Friday's child

Oh, hormones.  Oh, womanly wiring.  Oh, menopause.  I've been gettin' the blues and it's taking my breath away.  I have felt humbled.  And feel so lucky.  There are so very many of us whose lives and well beings are crippled by powerful and uncontrollable chemical imbalances.  What we call anxiety, depression, etc.  I'd honestly forgotten how intensely bad it can feel (and I've never been to the point of needing medication).

I spent the afternoon with Cap which is always grounding.  We ran an errand that was over a year in the making and then were brutalized by Whole Paycheck.  (We are going to try doing the weekly food shopping at Trader Joe's next week.)

By the time we'd picked up the kids and the groceries were put away, the last thing I wanted to do was make meatballs.  But, the ground lamb really needed to be cooked, which got my butt in gear.  I decided to simplify a logistical aspect of the recipe (the recipe is fantastic and simple) and rather than baking them on a greased wire rack over a foil-lined baking sheet, I baked them right on the sheet (verdict: virtually no difference in the quality of the meatball).

I am so glad I made the meatballs.  I had a serving with roasted broccoli and roasted plum tomato.  It was a truly comforting winter warmer kind of meal.  I am feeling much better, the emotional jag has passed.

I've been enjoying a new show called The Americans.  Alongside the other new show I like, Nashville.  Here are some songs which have tickled my eardrums thanks to the shows...

Peace and love.

Cook cook cook

A quickie because I have been in the kitchen all day and want to read for an hour before things start back up for dinner.

Bone broth with ginger and garlic.  Sag has a cold but he didn't like this.  Too oily, he said.  Crap.  Plying him with other fluids.

The flu is knocking down our friends left and right.  I'm making three pot roasts in three days...recovery from these particular strains is slow and appetites are returning before the strength to cook.  Tucking desserts into the care packages, too.  Today, banana-coconut cookies.

I am trying to eat more fish...I made Sally's tuna salad again.  This is such a great recipe.  Yum.

There's a pork roast coming out of the slow cooker in a couple of hours.  I can't remember if the kids like this iteration or not.  Trying to get better about writing notes on recipes...though I cannot rely on my brain to remember to read the notes.

(On the tuna salad recipe I made a note that I used 1/2 a lemon rather than the 1 called for.  Totally missed it today, used the whole lemon and it's edible, but it really was too much lemon for me.)

Off to my book, UnWholly.

Peace.

Do not step away

(Cover your eyes/ears if you don't like cussing.)

Motherfucker.

That is what I said when this happened:

I was angry to ruin the dinner protein and the second pan in a month by burning it.  

(I am hoping that the pan may be salvageable.  I am vigorously ignoring it at the moment.  The first pan was an Ikea freebie handed down to me by Melody when she moved west.  I burned Kate's lice comb to the bottom of it.  This time I burned some lovely pastured chicken that I had thawed in time to marinate and everything.  Sigh.  In a pan we've had for many, many years and has served us very well.  A Marshall's purchase we likely won't be able to replicate in value.  Sigh.)

There is also a kernel of understanding forming.  That perhaps perimenopause, like pregnancy, is doing wacky shit to my brain.  (It could, I suppose, be related to aging...but my intuition points to the other.)  Maybe I should put a sign up in the kitchen.  DO NOT LEAVE STOVE UNATTENDED.  YES, YOU.  NO, YOU WILL NOT BE RIGHT BACK.  STAY.

I was in a bit of a tizzy.  I wanted some comfort...but also didn't want anyone worrying about the safety of my children.  I'm not sure how, but I was able to float back into some calm and talked to the kids about Plan B.  I wanted to avoid going out or getting take-out because I am tightening the financial belt.  I also didn't want to take them out, literally.  They'd just gotten home from a long playdate and it was cold and dark out.

Then, the proverbial "life gives you lemons, make lemonade" happened.  I listed the foodstuffs we had (including piping rice in the rice cooker)...Gem requested onigiri stuffed with something (we went with deviled ham, a first) and Sag wanted a grilled cheese.

And it was good.  All of it.

Peace.

And just like that

...I feel much better.

Monday evening as Sandy bore down on us, I think my brain was fried a little bit.  It did something to my chemistry.  I've been dogged by imbalance for days.  Something shifted overnight (perhaps the sugar in the cookies I indulged in at common meal last night?) and when I woke up this morning I could feel a distinct and happy difference...in my mood, my outlook, how my body/mind felt.

Grateful.

...our phone/internet/cable was restored.

On Tuesday morning I used up nearly an hour of my limited mobile phone minutes on hold with Comcast to generate a ticket for a technician to come out at some point in what I thought would be the distant future.  Because the telephone wires had been brought down by the tree section in the driveway, I knew it was going to take more than flipping a switch to restore service.

The landlord cleared the very large tree section (branch doesn't do it justice, it was a big thing) yesterday afternoon, Comcast came by this afternoon (serendipity) and now we are back online.

Grateful.

...Sag was diagnosed and began treatment for strep.

Late last night he began complaining of a very sore throat.  Honey didn't help, salt water gargle didn't help, ice cream did.  But he had a lot of trouble settling to sleep.  A backrub past eleven pm finally did the trick.

This morning, we discovered that our family physician was providing care with a shivering skeleton crew.  With no power and no phones.  She performed a rapid strep test which came back positive and prescribed antibiotics.

He's already starting to feel better.  He took a 3 hour nap.  We are gently feeding him ewegurt (a locally made sheep's milk yogurt) and toast.  By this time tomorrow, I think he'll be close to back to normal. 

If she hadn't been open, if we didn't have a neighborhood doctor, we'd likely be at an emergency room right about now.

Grateful.

Peace, love and light.

P.S.  I will leave our recent exposure to head lice (by a family who knew they had it) for another post...

Shocker

I've been sucked into the vortex that is 11/22/63 (link to NYT review which I will read after I am finished with the book) and so have not been reading It Starts With Food (which would be the more applicable companion piece to this Whole30 experience).  If I were, I might have nifty soundbites to better discuss "the shocker".

My taste buds changed relatively quickly and I saw that one coming.

But, recently, I have begun to notice...and I'm not sure how to describe this...that my food imagining, my food expectation...how I think about food...has undergone a dramatic change.

• I am eating less...though I still sometimes accidentally make myself more food than it turns out I wanted (imagine neural connections shorting unexpectedly creating temporary mind-body disconnect)

• I am, much more often than not, wanting no more than I have

• I am completely neutral/disinterested when I think of/am around foods I haven't been eating...more than I ever would have thought possible

Two little epiphanies I've had today:

• if I do go out to dinner tomorrow night, I don't think I'll have the chocolate cake.  I simply don't want it anymore.  I know I don't want the sugar, I know I don't want the gluten.  yesterday, I think my body was calling for the chocolate in its PMS state.  I'd actually asked Cap to make me sugar-free truffles about a week ago, but he's been too busy.  I've been hearing the call for chocolate, but hadn't put two and two together.  when he makes the truffles, I'll have a supply in the freezer...and will experiment more intentionally with call and response.

• fruity dessert recipes (which overpopulate the blogosphere this time of year), whether gluten-free, dairy-free, vegan, paleo or primal, are so often pretty to peruse and yes, would be impressive to serve at some tea party I'm never going to have, but I finally got it today: do not be a prisoner to your own illusion that this is how your fruit should be used.  let the fruit float your boat.  (and if you are eating local fruit in season, and have cut sugar and grains and dairy out, I swear you won't feel compelled to have a fruity dessert, baked or frozen, you will be that satisfied.)

I am amazed that in three weeks my brain has been so turned around.  That I am no longer going through my day thinking about my next meal is profound.  I am looking forward to digging even deeper...more meal planning/budget balancing, more integrating CSA veg into my days and more making the kids' food more Paleo.

Notes from our morning

A quick jot while the kitchen cools down. 

The boys and I spent a chunk of time at Kmart and Whole Paycheck.  I got myself one of those chairs that folds right up and goes in a sack you can sling over your shoulder.  I'm hoping that will get me to the pool more.  I bought pool passes to the town pool again this year and am determined to get there regularly.  Kmart did not come through on my main objective: a new Brita filter pitcher.  (What I really want is this, but we don't have the money or space for it right now.)

At Whole Paycheck, Sag waited very patiently for a turn with the cheese guy.  He had samples of smoked gouda and a new-to-him cheese, Amadeus.  He really liked the Amadeus so we got some of that and some d'Affinois which was on sale.  It was interesting watching him...I could completely understand the allure of cheese and appreciated the devotion in his process.  But, my own history with cheese, my passion for it...had been completely disconnected at the chemical/physical level.  I literally could leave it.  Had no interest in taking part.  And, unlike my experience with the chocolate on day 12, I did not feel a shred of loneliness being set apart from all those cheeses.

Wow.  I guess that's what they mean by rewiring the brain.

After loading up with stuff for dinner and beyond (it always goes beyond, especially at the big and shiny Whole Paycheck in a neighboring town), I treated myself to an iced Americano.  Zowee!  That is strong!  But, good...flavorful and hearty.  Taking baby sips.

The kitchen should be cooled down by now.  Off to clean out and reorganize the fridge and make some lunch.  Then, on to getting ready for common meal.

Peace.

P is for pep and peppermint and pulling-off-the-blinders

These dry, breezy, cool sunny/cloudy days that scream "spring" and "fall" in the mid-Atlantic region always, always, reset my system to GO.  Today I wondered...where in the world is it like this year-round?

So, what did I do with all my pep?  This manatee on a mission put a dent into her decluttering/cleaning.  I decided to go low tech in my rodent repelling and picked up some peppermint essential oil and cotton balls instead of the sonic gadget.

I bought this new-to-me cleaning product last weekend when the mysterious dust made its debut into my consciousness.  It's been on my list of things I'd like to do, for ages, to make some cleaning solution with vinegar.  I've been very happy with it so far.

The "after" shot of under the kitchen sink.  There is no way I would subject you to a "before" shot of this former disaster area.  It's kind of crazy how things can get as bad as they do.  But, I am a very concretely "out of sight, out of mind" person.  

In a positive way, this has allowed me to maintain very emotionally close friendships with friends who I have little to no contact with (visual or otherwise) for not only months, but years.  The key is that I never stop caring, and I am quite comfortable with the "not thinking about" (it just is, there is no baggage).

The pockets of clutter in our household represent the negative way in which "out of sight..." manifests.  There is something bordering on (seemingly) pathological going on because these pockets don't always exist behind closed doors.  Sometimes, they are in plain sight, yet my brain stops "seeing" the clutter.

By the way, there were some droppings under the sink.  Those cotton balls you can see are infused with peppermint oil.  Peppermint oil is considered a mouse deterrent.

I cleaned out the area next to my side of the bed.  I'd cleared it out about seven or eight months ago, but it quickly filled back up with "things to donate/find other homes for".  So, for about six months or so, this area was cluttered with, as it turns out, three garbage bags worth of stuff that literally just sat there, seen yet unseen.  

That framed poster was given to me about a year ago, a thoughtful hand-me-down from someone who was decluttering herself.  (She'd noticed I had a postcard of the same print.)  For a year it has been propped up against one wall or another.  I've reached out to my brother-in-law, who is handy, to see if he can help me put it up.

After cleaning up from dinner, I kept going and decluttered the counter top and washed down the stove.  (The stove top needs more work...and product.)  I was nonplussed to turn from the counter top and see this heinous pile of mess tucked in the corner right next to it.  Another no man's land that is in plain sight, yet gets seriously overlooked.

One step at a time.

That's the linen closet.  Usually, the laundry basket is in there overflowing with dirty laundry.  That is just classic...and sad.  I'm thinking I'm going to tackle this spot tomorrow.

Believe it or not, the day was not all about cleaning.  We also played Carcassonne, went to the library and did laundry.  The kids introduced a friend to their Minecraft server and gave him a tour, all virtual-like.  The kids wrote cards and watched a movie they borrowed from the library.  They did homework.

I have a new book from the library and am dying to get to it.  But, there is also laundry that needs folding.

Peace and love.

More books

A book my parents gave me.  It's one of the first books I remember owning and reading.  Gem chose this for a read aloud after Wildwood.  We enjoyed it.  It's got some spots of old fashioned racist crap and some spots of laugh-out-loud hilarity.  Overall, a clever and engaging book.

A classic in our home.  Given to us years ago by friends who are Irish, this book is funny. funny, funny. Sag picked this for read aloud.

My pick for read aloud.  She is one of my favorite authors.  She was my first.  If I read this book, which I've had since it was published in 1999, I don't remember it.  We are intrigued and I am already enamored.

I have this out from the library.  I flipped it open because my John Irving book was in the bedroom where Gem had a rare late morning.  I am fascinated by the science of fe/male brain/hormonal differences.  But also turned off by the generalities that the author utilizes in talking about fe/males, so far.  Provocative and challenging.  I am considering buying the book.

This one I added to my "to read" list.  It's the memoir Paul Weitz (Wes grad) adapted for his movie "Being Flynn".

Another one added recently to my "to read" list.  Essays about life tied into knitting.  Yes, please.

Also added to the "to read" list.  Alex Chee (Wes grad) mentioned this book in a recent blog post.  Lit up my brain..

Mellifluous monday

When I saw his very serious portrait-of-the-artist face, my heart burst.  This three year old is so special to me.  The drawings are "Wind".

He and his mom and I went to the bookstore, post office, art store and then lunch.  They are my errand buddies.

This afternoon, I helped the kids put together handwork project baskets.  Sag is going to sew a Creeper plush and Gem is going to loom knit a hat.

I ended up staying up late watching the Oscars last night (it was worth seeing/hearing Meryl get her award), but woke with the sun.  Went right to the kitchen...put some things away and then practiced the Dragon's Way series of Qigong movements.  Toasted some walnuts, drizzled honey on and ate them with some watermelon chunks.  Opted for Raspberry Earl with honey and milk for my morning tea.

I did not take a walk this morning, but got out with Leo and Danielle later on.

I had an interesting time at the art store...(reminded me that for some, maybe many, folks this kind of thing is all unconscious and much simpler)...I was checking out lightboxes after being inspired reading Julie's blog this morning.

My tendencies run toward instant gratification and to buy the best quality thing.  Not great qualities to have when shopping on a tight budget.  This is why I ran into such trouble with credit cards for many years.

Today, I was leaning towards the LED lightboxes, which were much more expensive than their lightbulb in a plastic box counterparts.  But, I surprised myself by deciding not to make a move and letting go of my need for instant gratification.  I think my smoothed out brain chemistry has clearly and significantly tamped down my need for quick sparks of (meaningless yet perceived as meaningful) pleasure.

It probably helped that I wasn't leaving the shop quite empty-handed.  I found a wooden table top easel for $20 and also picked up a piece of foam board which we can use to tape watercolor paper onto for watercolor painting.

It's been a good day.  I give the Qigong almost all the credit.  It was so grounding...and felt so good even as it was made very clear how stagnant my energy is in spots (so tight in my hips!)  I am looking forward to it again tomorrow.

Off to make some dinner.  Peace and love.

Begging pardon

...for my fuss earlier.  I was/am PMSing.

If I've learned one thing over the past few years, it's to just be myself. I've been turning my back on waffling and feelings of guilt quite successfully.  And my old nemesis, self-loathing?  Way, way gone.

As I indicated earlier, this "self" changes all the time in terms of energy...which then dictates mood and capacity, variably.

So, today, I am in my pjs for the second day in a row.  And I am staying that way even as my energy shifts somewhat.  Rather than running my outdoor errands (thanks to Cap for taking those on), I am focusing the energy I've regained towards massive organizing.  Getting all the bits of mental confetti sorted and down on paper.

Oh, yes.  Today has been about making list after list.

Dinners are planned through next weekend and Cap is out now doing the food shopping.

Calendars have been synched.  We usually do three months in advance, once a month.  March birthdays have been noted.  Appointment phone calls have been made.

March/Spring brings a definite renewal type of energy to my homeschooling.  On the agenda, new, for the next couple of months: music, art, science, handwork, writing mechanics, writing, and housework.  It's going to be a squeeze on top of the usual Qigong, math, Spanish, read aloud and reading.

Cap will continue doing his thing with the kids two mornings a week, plus the daily homework he gives them.

Bonus: I am so stoked.  Cap's agreed to get the kids up and fed breakfast by 8:30 every morning.  This means I can delve into my new morning routine tomorrow!  Wake at 7 and have an hour and a half essentially to myself.

I'm going to load my Qigong music (with Master Lu naming and counting off the movements) onto my iPod so I can practice in the kitchen away from the laptop.  This will help me break my habit of going online first thing every morning.  I can unload the dishwasher, practice Qigong, eat a simple breakfast and then get dressed and go out for a walk.

My brain is doing a happy dance.  It's probably going to take a few days, or even longer, for my body to catch up.  But, it will be good.  Very good.

Edge

Can you see a glimmer of crazy in my eyes?  

Restless.  Pent up.  Keep moving.  Blinders.  Oh, my brain, my chemicals, my nervous system.  Jumpy, jumble, jelly.

Is this a result of cutting out honey and maple syrup?  Is it my body adjusting?  Is this my body's way of saying keep the honey and maple syrup?  Or is this the last bit of residual grain from the end of 2011 processing through?

What the hey.

Maybe he's caught in the legend,
Maybe he's caught in the mood,
Maybe these maps and legends,
Have been misunderstood.
R.E.M.

Food shopping is done, lunch with Donna was a lifesaver, heading to Vinny's soon and then date night with Cap.

And coconut juice.

And old school R.E.M.

And a lovely time it was

Yesterday afternoon the kids and I hosted a Minecraft homeschoolers gathering.  Seven kids with their laptops and my guys on our desktop.  It was fun!

The introvert in me wipes out after an event like this.  I was tired last night and feel a bit more tired this morning.  But, it was totally worth it.  We met brand new folks and got to know people we've only caught glimpses of here and there.  All of us were pretty stoked.  This game is truly something.

This morning I fortified with a heaping plate of protein.  The last of the pot roast and kick ass pastured eggs showered with Parmesan.

I am moving slowly towards getting our room ready for weekend guests.  Jay, Amy and the kids are coming!  Our holiday cards are in the house and I jotted a nice little "highlights" note last night.  I'd really rather do those than clean, but what can I say, I am less governed by my impulses these days and so off I go to tidy up.

Here's a shot from our late night Photo Booth shoot two nights ago (we almost used this one but decided Sag's face was just a touch too tucked behind Gem's melon of a head):

Peace and love y'all.

Serotonin

This time of year can be tough.  Here are some ways to boost your serotonin levels and even things out:

• sunshine

• massage

• exercise

• remembering happy events

Read all about it, here.

Paradise circus

This is not my kind of song.  But, it is used to great effect in the opening credits of Luther.  And it has grown on me.



My exhaustion has abated just enough to make room for "highly sensitive state" to join the party. It has taken some self-control (just a tiny bit) not to shout "STFU!!!" to the kids as they cavorted, went too far, cried, and then repeated the cycle, while they cleaned up their room.

But, as I have been noticing lately, I am calmer during these dips of energy.  And still able to function with clarity, as needed.  Tonight, I've had to deal with both the cable company (On Demand and the DVR are both out, the earliest a tech can come out?  Thursday...) and a plea request for one of the parents to step up and become the parent-coach of the Lego League team Sag is on.

In the past, these types of communicative interactions could undo me if they hit me at the wrong time of the month.  I'd get upset, defensive, overwrought (usually with guilt), dramatic...  I still have my moments (dealing with my landlord has become a personal nightmare), but in general, I feel like I've come out the other side.

Anyhoo, the title of this song is kind of apropos to how I view my current situation.  I am in paradise.  I am living the life I want.  I am damn lucky.  But, it's also feeling a bit circus-like, the energy plummet, the mood swing...my neurons are acrobatic.

Soothe

We are all feeling the change-of-season chaos...in mostly small and subtle ways.  Tired, but not getting sick, rough around the edges, but not falling apart, melancholy, but not depressed.  All of it momentary, not overwhelming.

I am doing a lot of soothing and being soothed.

Made my first ever pot roast.  Wow.  The epitome of comfort food.  I have fond memories of my mom's pot roast.  I'm not really sure why I never thought to make one before.  (This was not her recipe, but from The Primal Blueprint Cookbook.)  The kids loved it.  Gem's words after taking his first bite?  "It's magic."  (Too busy savoring to take a photo the first night.)

Cap needed a photo taken for professional use.  I am flattered he asked me.  (I am also his longtime barber :-)  For anyone who knows him, you'll be looking up in the sky for flying pigs because not only is he smiling in a photograph, but he decided to send this along to the conference folks who needed his pic!  I love it.  I love him.

If I had a photo of Vinny, it would be in this post, too.  Cap takes care of me day-to-day (he has been faithfully working on my rock hard shoulders for well over a week now) and Vinny takes care of me once a week.  

After the kids and I returned home from our Vinny sessions, I could have fallen asleep.  But, I couldn't.  I realized I was feeling a bit blue.  Then I realized I was starting to think about...mind-crave, things like Chinese food and ice cream.

It is fascinating and amazing to be in a place where I can take a step back when my mind starts to draw these fantastical pictures of what I supposedly want.  My emotions no longer become enmeshed like they did for years and years.  My pulse remains steady, my brain stays calm...my mind not only returns to my body, but it brings with it fresh input.

And so, almost as if in a trance, I walked into the kitchen, warmed some eggs, pulled out the almond meal and coconut flour and golden flaxseed meal...and baked a loaf of Paleo Bread.

I hope you are finding ways to be soothed and to soothe during this naturally chaotic time.

Peace and love.

Scattery

Interestinger and interestinger...

I am pretty sure I am PMSing.  Impulsivity is coursing through my veins and my mind keeps scattering like quicksilver.  I was irritable yesterday, today that is fading.

Compared to "before", this is much easier.  Though my brain is in some sort of overdrive, the spots that my thoughts come to a rest on, haphazardly and fleetingly, have been, for the most part, things on my "to do" list and I have been following through.  (Mind body connection remains strong in that way.)

I haven't had the time/mental calm to actually think about much.  In a way it feels like sleep walking (more like sleep dashing)...which feels a little disconcerting...but, I can't argue with the fact that things are getting done.

There's a reasoned undercurrent to the frenzy.

Some of what I did today:

• talked to John, our CSA farmer, down at the farmer's market.  he is down (very tired), but not out (not discouraged).  the farm has had its share of difficulty since Irene passed through.  picked up scallions, garlic and lettuce from his stand.

• picked up some yummy ground meats (beef, pork, turkey) at the farmer's market, but the cheese people were out of Ewegurt!

• ordered/bought "not" back-to-school gifts for the kids.

• spent the afternoon poolside with Tiina while our kids frolicked in the water...town pools close Monday.

• braved Staples and was happy to find their eco-notebooks.

• went food shopping.

• scheduled and rescheduled some appointments for next week.

• read.  Fist, Stick, Knife, Gun is worth your time if you care about the intersection of poverty, violence, education and home life in the United States.

• ordered/bought birthday, birthday bird, and back-to-school presents for nephew and nieces.

All while summoning focus through wildly bucking synaptic energy or the slightly dazed before or after.  I'm a little worn out.  But, smiling.

me and my new prescription swim goggles.

P.S.  Thanks to Wendy for pointing me in this direction.  I cannot remember the last time I have had such fast service, for such a well designed product, all for a reasonable price.

P.P.S.  I've been working on my own Fall schedule (hence the goggles)...will report here once all is set!

P.P.P.S.  Part of my problem today may have been not enough protein...or not a steady enough stream of it.  I had a small grass-fed steak with homemade pesto aioli for dinner tonight and have been feeling much better since that hit my system.

Will you still love me tomorrow

A lull has come on.

Every now and again I feel like I have nothing interesting or fresh to say.  I am tired right now, no doubt about that.  I am coming out of an ADDish fog (started post-Barcelona) which is allowing me some clarity.  It is time to "reset".

In the meantime:

• I'm over at Google+.  Let me know if you want an invite.

• Finn is now back home with Sandy and Mike.  He will be missed, but in my foggy state I am also happy to have one less soul to be responsible for.

• Watched Rabbit Hole which was good.  Especially Aaron Eckhart.  The Fighter and Vicky Cristina Barcelona are on deck.

• Sleep has been all over the place.  As has digestion.  Big no-nos when it comes to health.

• Tomorrow morning I commence walking in the early morn.  Cap has early departures out of the house for the next three weeks so I will be walking and back by 7:45am.  Generally speaking regular physical activity has a way of creating space for other things to fall into place in a positive way.  I am hoping, though not expecting, for something good to be effected.

• Sag has picked acoustic guitar for music study in the Fall.  Any feedback would be appreciated.

• Gem is mulling over what foreign language to study.

• They are both ruing not having the summer "off", but have declined a more intensive "school at home" for the rest of July and August "off".

Peace and love to you.

Marveling minutiae

Yesterday late afternoon, I free fell into Free Cell.  I usually play at least once a day on the iPhone.  It's not an addiction, per se, but it certainly does something to me neurochemically.  Hmm.  Maybe it is an addiction.

Anyway, I played on and off for a few hours, the latter part of the evening while watching the Red Sox game.  My "limited screen" awareness didn't kick in until it was way too late.  Not till I came out of my playing fog.

It was a strange evening.  I didn't eat dinner until quite late and even then I wasn't very hungry.  I did have the mind-body connection enough to eat something at hand (though I felt that tug of take out...this is the "activation" issue my brain has...an ADD strand).  I also managed enough clarity to keep this late meal small.

I stayed up late to watch Glee after the game was over.  I was really tired, but something kept me upright.  I was leaden by the time I dragged myself to wash up before hitting the hay.  **TMI alert**  I was surprised by a huge poop followed by a gut-cleaning release.  (I've been taking a TCM herb concoction called Master Cleanse for over a week now which definitely seems to be doing something along those lines...)

I laid awake for a bit wondering if I had insomnia.  By this point it was past 1am.

Then, I fell asleep.  And slept well.  I woke once and was surprised that neither of the kids had migrated to the bed.

**TMI alert**  This morning I was surprised to see light, bright pink on the toilet paper after my morning pee.  A period beginning with no usual PMS.  No cramping.  No raging emotion.  I did finish my burnt caramel-Hawaiian sea salt bar yesterday, one delicious section after the other.

A period in more flow.  Brownish blood is indicative of stagnation (the older the blood is, the darker and browner it will be).  Pink blood always makes me happy.

Maybe it's the emotional digestion I've accomplished this month.

Maybe it's the Master Cleanse herbs.

Maybe it's the few days in a row of qigong practice.

Maybe it's the occasional flaxseed/evening primrose oil I've been taking.

Feeling groovy.  I hope you find your groove today, too.

P.S.  Reading this piece over, I noticed I used the word "late" repeatedly.  A construct of time, as well as, of judgment/expectation/predetermination.  Another point of minutiae it could be argued.  But, a detail that is not lost on me.

P.P.S.  Periods, perimenopause and menopause don't have to be rough.

P.P.P.S.  Attending quietly and restfully to my body today.  Skipping qigong this morning, seeing Vinny this afternoon, considering practicing #10 tonight.

I'm elliptical

Woke this morning and my GI system was growling.  I consumed a lot of dairy yesterday trying to "get rid" of it all before the new start today.

Pause.

I mean, really...how muddled is that mind set?  Let me "dispose" of this stuff into my body because it's the easy way out.  No guilt about putting it into the trash, no hassle of trying to find another home for it.

Pause again.

Interesting, you could say that about the clutter in the apartment, the stuff that, in my opinion, we have way too much of.  (Part of the issue is our lack of functional storage space.)  Things are disposed of all over the place, muddling efforts for clarity.

Anyway, I could tell running out the door was not a good idea.  My gut was "talking" to me.  So I practiced qigong instead.  And realized about 20 minutes into it that my brain chemistry was being altered.  By the time I was done it had been 30 minutes, I had broken a sweat and felt, if not a rush of endorphins, a really nice hug of them.

I almost did it again.

Sought from an external source what I can give myself.

I was/am feeling a little desperate.  It's my Spring thing.  It's nature's Spring thing.  We're all connected.  There is a surging, pushing, forceful energy that comes with Spring.  It demands growth.  It is a call for change that comes from the deepest roots and reaches for the outermost edges.

Yes, I want to be healthy/healthier.  Yes, I want to lose weight.  Yes, I want to look good.  Yes, I want to feel good.  Yes, I want to live as long as I can and enjoy my life, particularly my children and my partner.

I don't know why it is so hard to just do it.

Any of it.

A few weeks ago I set out to practice Dragon's Way leading up to my going away.  And somehow, I flitted away from that.  And then I "figured out" that joining the Y was the answer.  (There was the home elliptical machine in the middle there, too.)

It's easier for me to set my eyes on these externals and rationalize, rather than patiently train them inwards and contemplate.

Returning to the mantra: keep things simple. 

In the face of all this energy, to combat freely flowing radicals, to bring it down a notch.

Eat less, eat mostly veggies, practice qigong, limit screen time, read more, talk to friends.

Simple.

Retreat

Any time leading up and into intentional cleansing has a particular quality.  I usually shut down a bit.  Begin to retreat, a bit, to gather my energy, to rest.

This morning:

Raspberry Earl tea with a dollop of honey and the last of the coconut creamer.  (I'll be moving into green tea and Master Lu's tea mixes over the next few days.)

Quietly contemplating these souls.  There has been so much growth the past few weeks, physical and otherwise.  It's exciting, but equilibrium has been thrown off all about, for sure.

Taking my Master Cleanse herbs, as well as, the ones for my ankle (injured in Japan, but the resulting problems didn't crop up till a few weeks ago).  I wish practicing Qigong was as easy as popping these babies...  (Also began flaxseed/primrose oil and bee pollen...intending to work in fish oil soon.)

Feeling the pull of self-doubt and negative self-image.  Resist, resist.  Looking forward to doing a bit of escaping into A Game of Thrones, the book, when it comes in for me at the book store (the library system is all out, due to the HBO show debuting this week).

Waiting for balance to be restored in my unique-and-I'm-working-on-it brain/central nervous system/mind.  

Example:

I sent my beloved slippers back to Bean for replacement ones (the sheep fleece lining wore down before the rest of the slipper did).  I've been delaying doing this for months, even as the problem worsened, because...well, I couldn't imagine being without my slippers for a week or two.  Then, an opportunity arose.  A pair of Wellies that came for Gem had to be returned on Bean's dime.  I am such a freak when it comes to paying for shipping.  I hate doing it (the dark side of resistance :-)  So, I impulsively popped the slippers into the box with the Wellies and sent them away.

Oh, the nightmare aftermath of being impulsive (truly, feels like it almost never works for me to be impulsive).  I knew I was going to the local outdoor shop to exchange my Barcelona shoes for a bigger size (and different color...madder rose!)  While there, I decided to finally take the plunge and get some Birks to be worn as summer slippers, something I'd been inspired to do by seeing Silke's indoor shoes.

I didn't find exactly what I wanted (the purple ones have been discontinued?!), but I found a pair that will work just fine.  But, you know me, color matters.  Especially if I am plunking down $100 for a pair of shoes I will be wearing for 10 years, into the ground.  So, they had to be special ordered.

And now, I am without house shoes for the time being.

I've tried going barefoot treading carefully, I've tried double socking my feet, I've tried changing my socks as needed multiple times a day.  I am that tactile defensive on my feet.  One drop of water, I feel it seep right to my skin on the sole of my foot and that sock is done.  Each stick of my bare foot to some random sticky spot on the floor and I get the willies.

It's exhausting being in the kitchen right now.  And it shows.  Poor Cap is picking up the slack for me, fresh veggies lie fallow in the fridge.  My Dragon's Way food is slow to get going.  I could use my replacement slippers.  I could use my new house shoes.  I could use a chemical reboot.  I could use a new perspective.

You see, balance needs restoring.  And, maybe, you can understand why I've been feeling as of late, that meds or a lobotomy could feel better than this.

Off to Danielle's.  Time out.  Happy children.  Temporary chemical reboot.  You never know where it all can lead.