Spirit

A quick update.  We had a Nor'easter blow through over the weekend.

We were in Saugerties where the cabin did not lose power.  We had a lovely weekend that included a lot of good food and snow and woods and bookshop browsing.  There are pictures.

Our town did not fare as well.  We returned to a cold, cold apartment that was without power or heat.  Cap was unusually decisive (which I was happy for) and we made some calls and packed some clean clothes in the fading light and drove over to Queens to stay with Lisa and Takai and the girls and Baxter.

We're here, it's incredibly cozy, and they recorded Amazing Race for us, so the kids and I watched it at 10pm :-)  This morning we got to walk Ellie to school and see her perform some Halloween songs and walk in her school's Halloween parade.

Unexpected blessings abound.  We are very lucky.

I am finishing up Gem's costume.  The kids were anxious about missing Halloween at home, but it is looking like the town will be postponing Halloween till Friday.  So, we will be trick-or-treating here with family tonight and then, perhaps, they will go again with their friends on Friday.

Peace and love and Spirit.

♥

Cap and I had fun in Hoboken tonight.  We had Indian food for dinner and then strolled over to Maxwell's to see matt pond PA. 

I love, love, love Matt Pond's songs/music.  It was an early show and the crowd was sparse.  It was also the last night of their lengthy and arduous Fall tour.  I stood front and center though, ironically, I could barely keep my eyes open while zenning out to the voice and sounds.

Ahhhhhhh...

Afterward, we admired the crisply clear view of the city across the water.  Then we came home.  The kids were so happy we were home early.

We're off to the Catskills tomorrow for a snowy weekend at the cabin with my sister and her family.

Peace, love and a mpPA to you.

Out-of-the-oven

Serious, serious, put-down-the-fork-and-walk-away deliciousness...  Oh my goodness.

Savory

The fragrant Rogan Josh (Indian lamb stew) is braising in the oven.  My first lamb stew.  Yum.  (Recipe tweaks: I didn't have the spice mix so Googled and made my own...also didn't have mushrooms...and added minced fresh ginger.)

Cap arrived home early this morning and is now up on campus.

The kids and I are having a somewhat leisurely morning.  I've been cooking.  They've been reading and hanging out.

Later, comic book store, picking Daniel up at school, and common meal.

Now, some dealing with slips and sheets of random paper.  I've discarded what can go and now must organize what is staying.

 

 coriander, garam masala, paprika, cayenne, nutmeg (no turmeric or mace).

Blur

Energy is up, what a turnaround.

There was cooking, picking up of CSA veg and fruit, and washing, stowing and cooking of said veg and fruit.

There was one playdate rescheduled (I was still tired this morning) and another in the late afternoon.

There was reading from Wildwood.  We are at the halfway point.

There was going through bags of papers.  Hope hope hoping I'll finish this component tomorrow.

There was wondering about a possible UTI brewing.

There was arranging to provide childcare for a friend.

There was dismay that a part of Gem's costume did not arrive in the mail.

There was touching base with a friend about a custom-made gift for Vanessa.

There was breakfasting, lunching, snacking, and dinnering.

There was discovering I have lost ten more pounds.  The running total now: 25 lbs.

There was savoring the last of the turkey-stuffed acorn squash.

There was a nice, long, hot shower.

There was enjoying the sounds of the boys taking a bath together.  Something they haven't done in ages.

There was bacon.

There was reading this moving story.

There was pausing to fill up with this song.

There was flow.  And contentment.  And so much more.

Paradise circus

This is not my kind of song.  But, it is used to great effect in the opening credits of Luther.  And it has grown on me.



My exhaustion has abated just enough to make room for "highly sensitive state" to join the party. It has taken some self-control (just a tiny bit) not to shout "STFU!!!" to the kids as they cavorted, went too far, cried, and then repeated the cycle, while they cleaned up their room.

But, as I have been noticing lately, I am calmer during these dips of energy.  And still able to function with clarity, as needed.  Tonight, I've had to deal with both the cable company (On Demand and the DVR are both out, the earliest a tech can come out?  Thursday...) and a plea request for one of the parents to step up and become the parent-coach of the Lego League team Sag is on.

In the past, these types of communicative interactions could undo me if they hit me at the wrong time of the month.  I'd get upset, defensive, overwrought (usually with guilt), dramatic...  I still have my moments (dealing with my landlord has become a personal nightmare), but in general, I feel like I've come out the other side.

Anyhoo, the title of this song is kind of apropos to how I view my current situation.  I am in paradise.  I am living the life I want.  I am damn lucky.  But, it's also feeling a bit circus-like, the energy plummet, the mood swing...my neurons are acrobatic.

Cyclic

In the last hour or so I have gone from feeling much better than I did yesterday to feeling like I've been hit by the exhausted bus.  I had a niggling suspicion and so checked the calendar and today is the textbook 14th day since the first day of my last menses.  I must be ovulating.

(Not to be wishing time away, but I am looking forward to a post-menopausal state of being.)

I have been somewhat distracted this morning.  But, I did make a kickass soup and a delectable chicken salad.  (The chicken from the stock takes on lovely sweet notes from the carrot and onion.  Yum.)  I've gotten a bit of organizing done.  Just a tiny bit.

Here are the pics from my night out with Cap.  We unexpectedly ate dinner at Costanera, a newish Peruvian restaurant in town.  I was thinking about Vanessa quite a bit while there.  It was a great meal made better by the conversation we shared about the future.  I feel so lucky to be in a relationship with someone where after twenty-plus years, we still dream together.

 Causa.

 Ceviche.

 Vegetarian duo.

mood hinted at though not quite captured.

Oh my goddess, I just want to drop and sleep.

Nesting

An intensely nesting sort of day.

The kids and I woke up to realize that we didn't hear Cap leave for Seattle in the wee hours of the morning.

After a quick breakfast (oatmeal for Gem, nachos for Sag), we whisked ourselves to Whole Paycheck for a few items.

Then, for me, it was all about cooking.  For them, about joining a Minecraft multi-player server and hanging out with Owen in there.

I made almond poppyseed crackers (grain-free), roasted sweet potato spears (the kids love these), Paleo bread (not pictured), and turkey-stuffed acorn squash.  I keep forgetting the turkey-stuffed squash recipe calls for red peppers.  They would look so much better studded with some red color...

I also have the season's first chicken stock going on the stove.  Tomorrow, there will be soup and chicken salad.

It feels good to be using up the CSA stash.  (I made apple sauce and tortilla patatas yesterday.)  We still have dozens of apples and I picked up a few veggies at our farm's stand at the farmer's market.  It is never ending, this cycle of making and eating good food.

I have been achy most of the day.  Dust doing its nasty business in my system.  Possibly brewing into a cold.  Off to fold laundry and watch an episode of Luther (I started watching it for Idris Elba, who is fantastic in it, but I am digging Rachel Wilson even more.  Sadly, this is not for the faint-of-heart.  There are moments of intense and gruesome violence.  Yes, I mean you, B.)

A peaceful Sunday to you.

Juggle

Sometimes it's all we can do to just hold everything.  But, when it's too much, holding brings us to a stop.  Or, we keep moving, but drop things.

This morning I decided to juggle and let some different balls drop into my hands.

So, this week, I'm bagging "table activities" and focusing on cleaning up.  The living room declutter, which is about 2/3 done, has ground to a stop.  The other rooms have been lying fallow.  My goal is not to finish anything, just to simply direct attention and mindfulness.

The other thing I've decided is to focus on Qigong practice and detangle from the food thing.  I am actually sick of eggs (I know) because my need for protein has been so consistent and nuts have not been quite cutting it.

So, this morning, I cleaned out the fridge to take stock of what's in there that is edible.  (I didn't wash it down, so don't look too closely in the pic :-)  Then, I zipped over to the farmer's market (too cold for tennis this morning so the kids stayed home with Cap) and picked up meat, dairy, veg and fruit.

I will continue eating Dragon-y veg and fruit, but am going to supplement with a rotation of proteins in moderation.  Between increased practice and a nice variety of food, I think my gearing-up-for-Winter body will be satisfied.

Now, I will go peel and core many, many apples for apple sauce.  And make something yummy for the kids' post-pool lunch.  Later, five hours with my man...maybe a movie, maybe dinner out, maybe a drive somewhere...

Simple is best

I just love it when something as simple as a small head of broccoli from the organic farm changes everything.

Said head chopped and sautéed in a small cast iron skillet after a kielbasy.  With garlic and olive oil.  And salt, pepper and red pepper flakes.  So so so so so good.

I also love it when convenience foods and gadgets truly work for me.

The kids really love this bread.  This boxed bread mix and our trusty old bread machine came to my rescue this morning.  This loaf essentially made itself while the kids and I worked this morning.  The boys were very happy with their warm bread and butter at lunch.

Wishing you a wonderful week's end.  Peace and love.

Folk art foray

The kids and I went to the museum for a workshop on folk art.  Peg talked about the Mexican tradition of Day of the Dead and then we went into the galleries.  Afterward, the kids made Day of the Dead inspired skull masks.  They were really into it!

Our foray into folk art was a lovely respite in an otherwise busy/hectic day.  Halloween costumes, trips to a pumpkin patch, learning at home, learning outside of home, the comic bookstore, Moneyball (the movie)...there is a lot going on with and for the kids.

Cap is hella busy, as usual and I am sleep deprived and not practicing enough...  Actually, I am hardly practicing at all.  Planning on deflecting attention away from food and focusing on Qigong.  Once the Qigong is going, everything else will naturally flow from there.

Oh my goodness.  Gem just gave me a kiss.  He is definitely on the other side of his latest developmental dissonance.  More relaxed, so affectionate...ahhhh.

Glimpse

from Nat'l Geographic Photo of the Day.

Just. So. Gorgeous.  This is the kind of thing that feeds my visual soul...

Stomach

Hmm.  My structures are falling apart and my stomach is involved.

Sunday, the day of Comic Con, I had a Dragon-y breakfast...I don't remember exactly what, but it was most likely a handful of toasted walnuts.

I brought some cashews and an apple with me for lunch.  But, I only ate maybe three cashews.  No apple, nothing to drink.

In between, there was an hour's drive to Queens, an hour of subway and walking to the conference center in Manhattan, five and a half hours in the conference center, and an hour of walking and subway back to Lisa and Takai's.

So, I held it together, but wise food/eating choices did fall by the wayside.

By the time I was collapsing onto my sister-in-law's couch, I wasn't even hungry.  But, I knew I should eat.  Tortilla chips, salsa, hummus, crackers and cheese were on the table.  I ate my apple and had some cheese.  I wanted protein, but beans have been giving me digestive problems, so although I had cut out cheese with Dragon's Way starting, I went for it.

For dinner I had one piece of beef short rib, a bite of roasted chicken and a pile of string beans with mushrooms (those mushrooms sang on my taste buds).  For dessert I had half a Mutsu apple (I stared down the GFCF apple pie Cap made, but I truly felt nothing...not even the tiniest stirring of craving...so weird!)

Monday I was a wet noodle.  A wet noodle who was craving protein so strongly that she ate four eggs (across two meals).  I also had a stomach ache so acute in the late afternoon that it was hard to walk/stand.  And I ended up skipping Dragon's Way class, reluctantly.

The protein craving continued today.  As did the swinging of utterly foul mood which, sadly for him, kept manifesting as resentment and anger towards my partner.  (Reparations have been made and we've agreed a night out together, sans kids, before he leaves for the west coast again this weekend, would be great.)

As soon as I am finished with Dandelion Fire (which has been my oasis today), I am going to move onto the third section of Women Food and God, entitled Food.  My emotional stuff seems rooted in deep and overwhelming feelings of rejection.  Old and mysterious stuff which is not real in the here and now, yet has been coloring my last 48 hours with the intensity of Sharpies.

I fried up some kielbasy for the kids this afternoon.  Daniel was over and he loves the stuff, too.  Well, something snapped...or let go...and despite not eating meat this week (this week being as of yesterday), scarfed down five or six pieces.  They were yummy, warm and oh, so very satisfying.  (This was within an hour of making and eating some spiced roasted nuts...the protein craving has been intense!)

Soon after, my stomach started to hurt again.  And I just didn't feel well. 

Even an hour later, while putting the kids dinner together (which Cap had prepped), I felt "green".

I knew things were haywire when Sag asked for a side of meat sauce (leftover from his dinner last night) and after I spooned some into his bowl, I scooped a spoonful of the sauce for myself before putting it away.  It tasted so good I thought I'd have some for dinner on my Paleo bread.

By the time my bread was toasted, my desire for the sauce had passed, no doubt by the new tightening around my stomach (from the spoonful I'd just had).  I had eggs instead.

There are some meridian spots running up the outside of my right thigh that are angry.  Last night in bed, I felt a piercing pain about 3/4 of the way up, nearly at my hip bone.  In the dark, I could feel a painful bump and couldn't tell if it was a nodule or a bug bite.  I had Cap come see and he confirmed it was not an insect bite.  He could feel it, but could not see it.  No redness (on the outside anyway).

I am curious as to whether it's a stomach spot or not.  I see Vinny tomorrow...I hope I remember to ask him.

(By the way, the meat is not the cause of my stomach woes.  I have been eating meat with no problems for months.  By doing Dragon's Way, I am in a process of healing which is likely highlighting a problem spot: my stomach.  And, it may not literally be my stomach, but something going on, or not, in my stomach "system".  I tell you, I love this Traditional Chinese Medicine stuff.)

You know, as clearly as my stomach/stomach system needs attention, it isn't helpful to see it as the starting point for whatever is going on right now.  Life, and living, is one continual process.  Why I am experiencing what I am experiencing...there is not just one reason.  Trying to single out a reason, I honestly believe, is pointless.

What is more helpful and productive, is to be present with whatever is happening, as uncomfortable as that may be, and move forward from there.  (For me, the discomfort is both physical, like my stomach aches, but also, emotional/psychic, dealing with shame and self-criticism.)  So today, I rested.  I allowed my book to transport me.  I am continuing on in my quest to build up more and more Qi.

The latest twists in my journey (especially going sugar- and grain-free) have seen a leveling off of some of the more "crazy" highs and lows that I have experienced since adolescence.  And as good as I have been feeling, I do miss those crazy highs sometimes.

The last 48 hours have brought back some of the crazy lows.  Nothing sustained...but very raw patches nonetheless.  It doesn't have to mean anything...it just sucks...and is.

What I like about Women Food and God (and working with Vinny, and being in relationship with Cap, the kids, and my family and friends...) is that I gain glimpses of understanding by being with it/them.  Knowledge that breeds compassion...qualitatively different from analysis...though I cannot explain this any better at the moment.

As I get to know myself better, much layers itself intuitively.  I can't necessarily articulate it.  Maybe that is because I am more in the sapped column of Qi right now.  I can feel the pendulum swinging back up.  And my face relaxes into a smile for the first time in awhile.

Fiddlesticks

Fiddlesticks (as I heard Sag exclaim recently)..."I" am reduced to a hard kernel...withered grey.

I think I am in recovery from Comic Con.  On the day of I was marveling at my stamina which I knew was connected to my strengthened Qi.  Now, I am observing that...as true as that was, I didn't have quite enough Qi to carry me through.

I've been craving protein while cutting out meat from the diet (and already not consuming dairy and beans)...how inconvenient.  I've eaten a lot of eggs in the last 24 hours.

If I am not being quiet (which is, fortunately, most of the time), I am raging.  Please send my partner a Guinness.

My lunch helped.  Working for one's grapefruit is a meditation (I peel every single layer off).

Devouring the second book of the 100 Cupboards trilogy is helping, too.  I love the tale this guy is telling...

Remembering to breathe and cleanse and stop complaining.  Wishing you peace and love.

Gift of music

There's a free sampler of Josh Ritter songs available right now at Noise Trade.  He is a wonderful songwriter, check him out!

Whole hearted

Gem has always enjoyed babies.  He is loving having a baby cousin.  The love is mutual.  She was having a bit of a hard time last night with stranger anxiety, but in his arms, she never shed a tear.

New York Comic Con: part 1

In a word: WOW.  It was exciting, dramatic, engrossing, inspiring.  There was tons of walking and, honestly, a lot of waiting on lines.  One angel, an exceedingly mellow and good crowd (it was sold out), one douche bag.  Five-plus hours of breathing canned air, seeing no sun, living as one with a massive comic/anime/gaming loving throng.  There were a lot of smiles, some tears, special edition comics, autographs, $1 on-the-spot sketches by admired artists, not-yet-released video games, panels, swag...  One day was not enough.  The kids want to go again next year.

I am beat.  I'm going to let this pics speak for themselves.  More photos, that Gem took and were taken of Gem by Cap, to come later (we split up for parts of the day).