Winter-Spring

Shift.  A word in the air around me.

...from with Vanessa to without.

...from Kidney to Liver.

...from Winter to Spring.

...from Fear to Anger.

...from constricting to exploding.

...from dormancy to rebirth.

...from February to March.

...from Sunday to Monday.

* * * * *

A good idea I had today:

Ask Cap if he can plan and prep dinners for a week so that I can have time and space to focus on adjusting to Dragon's Way food.  He agreed, so it's a go.  Happy.

A good idea I had yesterday:

Caught up in waves of unreasoned and mystifying anger*, I bypassed egg dropping, grabbed a pillow, put it to my face and screamed.  A few times.  Literally got it out and, wow, I felt much better afterward.  Recalibrated, for sure.

A good idea I had last week:

Letting go of the trip to Chicago.  The kids were really looking forward to it, but I realized it was going to be less a family vacation and more a tagging along and getting time with Cap here and there while he conferenced.  And driving to Chicago and back with a week in between in early March?  Not so inviting given the Winter we've been having.

* no longer mystified by the anger...found this quote online that speaks to my experience: "The emotion most closely tied to the liver and the quality of spring is the explosive nature of anger."

* * * * *

I considered taking a blog break, but decided not to.  Expressing some of what I experience in the next week will be good for me.  And may be interesting for others.

...go to bed at 10pm and wake at 6am.

...eat in the Way of the Dragon.  (veggies and fruits that are cooked and selected for specific properties to facilitate self-healing and the building, collecting and storing of Qi...no meat, no dairy, minimal grains, no cold)

...tackle the massive piles of paperwork.

...get outside daily.

...practice Qigong daily.

...maintain balance, or a close semblance to it :-), with spending time with the kids, house work, spending time with Baxter (who will be arriving on Tuesday for a week), giving Cap attention, care and support, blogging, reading, knitting, playing with others...you know, all the rest of it.

* * * * *

I feel a hum of excitement.  A bud of promise.  Joy at my attunement, so unexpected after a period of burrowment.  I can see now that my last dose of personal Winter catapulted me right into the throes of coming Spring.

I look forward with clarity.  Aligned!

Tea love

I have a new tea love.  

Kelly gave me this tin for my birthday.  Thank you, my dear.  One of the numerous reasons that you ROCK. 

I've gotten this tea last few times I've been to Terra and can't get enough.  Interestingly, I'm not usually a raspberry kind of girl.  But, when this tea was recommended by the staff person at the tea shop that fateful day, her enthusiasm redirected my course and the rest is herstory.

Avatar

Wow.

If you love movies, really love movies, then go see Avatar in 3D if you can.  I kind of can't believe how much I loved it.  As this NYT review states, James Cameron, the director, truly "confirms the wonder" of cinema.

Wow.

Elephants

I really liked Rachael Yamagata's first album, Happenstance.  When her second album came out last Fall, I took a listen to this song, Elephants, and a few others and wasn't too excited.  In fact, I didn't like Elephants, at all.

Time is, indeed, a curious handmaiden.  I now really like this song.  Somehow it wormed its way back into my consciousness and I now have it on my Winter Wonders playlist* on my computer at home.

What's on your playlist lately?




* Currently on the playlist:
Brand New Day/Van Morrison
Crazy Love/Van Morrison
Japanese Folk Song/Thelonious Monk
Doodlin'/Horace Silver
Elephants/Rachael Yamagata
Love Vigilantes/Iron & Wine
Waiting/Norah Jones
I Was Made For You/She & Him
God Made The Automobile/Iron & Wine
True Love Waits/Radiohead
Girl In The War/Josh Ritter
Tusen Tankar (A Thousand Thoughts/Triakel
Ignorant Boy, Beautiful Girl/Loney, Dear
Duet/Rachael Yamagata
By Your Side/Sade
Offering/John Coltrane
Looking Out/Brandi Carlile

Johnny Weir rocks

Johnny Weir responds to commentators who questioned his gender, example he sets

click on the purple text above...

Knitting mojo

It comes and goes and I've gotten used to that.  I don't really miss it when it's gone...mojo is so visceral, as opposed to a 'head' thing, and so that makes sense to me.  It's gut aligned just so with Spirit and therefore the excision is clean when it goes.  So clean it doesn't hurt at all.

Its total return two days ago has been quite pleasurable.  Which surprised me.  A bit.  In a reverse way.  As in...how interesting that something I didn't miss could bring such joy when it comes back.

a semi-stealth project (more on it later).

frog away!

I started and completed a stealth project in one day, the day before yesterday.  So satisfying.  

I adore the depth and breadth of my stash.  I spent some time going through my yarn and then some time on Ravelry going through patterns.  

Then I went through various yarn choices for the patterns I liked.  This is my favorite feature of Ravelry.  For every pattern that is on there (thousands, I'm guessing) you have the option of clicking on a button and seeing what yarns actual knitters have used to knit the pattern.  You can then click on any of the yarn choices and be brought to a page which lists all the projects that have been knitted with that particular yarn, pictures and notes and all.  Love it.

By the time I was cozy and beginning to knit, I had probably spent about two hours in preparation.  After choosing the pattern and yarn, I wound the yarn into a ball, fished the needles and notions out of my semi-organized supplies, and decided I didn't need to photocopy the pattern (I left the pdf on the computer screen and walked over to check it when I needed to...I will likely photocopy it and put it in my binder at some point.)

I started to knit and it was love.  The yarn is a hand spun and hand dyed 100% merino wool that I picked up at the NJ Sheep and Fiber Festival three years ago.  The label only had content, weight and price info on it so I don't know who made it and/or sold it to me.  I do have a vague recollection of Gem choosing the color and of my thinking that I would use it to teach him how to knit.

It turned out to be the perfect skein for this project.  It is incredibly soft and yet has a firmness to it.  Now that it is knit up, I swear, I feel life surging through it whenever I touch it.  Energy...it's amazing.

That evening, I was dropped off at home after common meal and the boys went to the comic book store.  I settled down in front of my personal Big Love marathon and knit for hours, for the rest of the night.  The kids were occupied with their new comics once they were home and Cap put them to bed.

I'll show more pictures and reveal the pattern once the recipient of this gift has had her reveal.

Yesterday was an odd day in that I had a headache the whole day.  I used to get headaches fairly frequently, but TCM has helped me rebalance myself to a point where I now rarely get them.  When I do, like I did yesterday, it is now crystal clear to me that my body is communicating to me about an imbalance.  It's not always apparent to me where the imbalance is, or how to correct it, but for me, simply understanding it in this way helps to keep stress or anxiety about experiencing pain at a minimum.

I spent the morning hours preparing a vegetable soup with my homemade liquid gold for lunch, and Elizabeth's sloppy lentils for dinner.  After lunch T and her kids came over to play, braving the elements (the nor'easter started early yesterday morning).  Once they left, my headache got worse.  I hobbled through dinner, decided I wasn't up to blogging (a rare day off of blogging for me yesterday!), and realized my fingers were itching to get themselves on some fiber.

Because of my headache, it needed to be something simple.  So I reached for the long ago finished Sunday Market Shawl that has been hibernating in one of my baskets for months.  It was a project that I didn't like the looks of once completed.  But every single person who had seen it liked it.  I loved the yarn, Noro Cash Iroha, and didn't want to waste it on something I felt likely not to wear that much because I thought the garment was ugly.  

In my experience, frogging (unraveling a project) is not easy to do, until the moment comes, and then it is, in fact, very easy to do.

So I frogged the Sunday Market Shawl and began a new one, with the same luscious yarn, going down a couple of needle sizes.  I held in my mind the inspiration of the buttery sunny yellow SMS Kelly knit for Kate.  And Wendy's which I saw so long ago but remember quite clearly in the Florida light out on her deck.

I think mine is going to be somewhere in between these two envisioned memories, in terms of 'ladder pane' size (the very special feature of this project).  It felt really good casting on and seeing the stitches form in the size they did last night.  I look forward to more knitting today.

Hope your mojo is working for you these days, in whatever realm it comes to you.

Passion pit

Back to night time watching of my premium cable "stories". Finished watching Season 2 of The Tudors which was pretty depressing (but has me close to reading something about Anne Boleyn...I am that fascinated.)

On to catching up with the current season of Big Love, a show which gets better and better each year, in my opinion. Last night I watched the second episode and, as usual, was most riveted by Nicki (played by Chloë Sevigny).

The episode closed with this song which caught my ear. Turns out the band is from Cambridge!

Undeniable

the desk.

I have a high tolerance for clutter.

I also have a desire to live more cleanly and simply.  Which would be facilitated by less clutter.

The journey continues...the path ahead seems endless.

In the last few years I've worked on excising feelings of guilt and self-loathing that would often come when 'suddenly' realizing I am facing a physical mess.  (Because when you have a high tolerance for clutter, you literally don't 'see' it much of the time.)

Unsurprisingly, the resulting relief from these negative and literally depressing emotions has opened up space for more joy and clarity.

Today, and for the rest of the week, I am going to direct my focus to the piles (what you see in this pic tenfold, maybe).  I've already alerted Cap to the fact that I will spend minimal time in the kitchen this week (nixing homemade bread, for example).

Taking a big swing at getting back in the swing.

Lala

An administrative note.

I have started using lala.com to share music.  I now know that you have to be a registered user to be able to listen to tracks I share here.

It is free to sign up and I have, thus far, gotten no unsolicited mail from them or anyone else they could have sold my info to.  It seems pretty safe and is easy.

You can use it like iTunes and buy songs and stuff, but I just use it to share music so I can't speak to the other elements of the site.

YouTube doesn't always have the songs I want to share, and lala has come through in this regard, in spades.

So, if you're into the music sharing component of this blog, I hope you feel comfortable registering over at lala.

Ever permeable

As I propel myself through this morning I am my Air-y self.  Friends are coming over in less than an hour now and I have an agenda: shower, clean the bathroom, attend to the kitchen sink, vacuum...

But equal attention goes to things like this:

closing my eyes and feeling summer.

(peach jam from the farm spooned into the mouth direct from the jar)

And this:

Vanessa's bathroom cup.

And sharing my piece with you who will hear.

She's still got it

A long, long time ago, I watched a movie called Near Dark and loved it.  Though it was my favorite movie for awhile, in the 20 or so years that have passed since I saw it, it had somewhat fallen off my radar. 

Until last year, when The Hurt Locker was released.  The two movies are directed by the same person: Kathryn Bigelow.

I watched The Hurt Locker Friday night and thought it was great.  It's intense, lean, and well-made.  The movie holds together like a musical chord.  Distinct elements of action, lighting, character, story, vision and sound, melding and twining to form a lasting impression both unified and pitch perfect.

I really liked it.

Neither movie is for everyone, especially those who don't like violence or tension in their film fare. 

The central characters in Near Dark are vampires, in The Hurt Locker they are soldiers in Iraq whose job it is to neutralize explosives that endanger local communities.  Both movies are about navigating terrain between survival and death, all while living in a very heightened state of adrenalin-rush.

She's still the one

Louise Erdrich.

Her first novel, Love Medicine, changed my life.

I own all of her books.  (Except for Shadow Tag, her latest, which I borrowed from the library.)

When I saw her, at the now defunct Wordsworth in Harvard Square about 10 years ago, Laura was with me and I was out of my mind with swoon.  (I remember very little of that event.)

The novel before Shadow Tag, Plague of Doves, I never finished.

Shadow Tag came out in a burst of controversial fanfare.  It is a fast read (the only kind of read I can muster, sadly, for what feels like the longest time).  A novel that certainly can be described as a departure.  But, masterful nonetheless.

And you 30 Rock fans will know what I mean when I say, "Twist!"

Goodness

breakin' out the Martinelli's...just because.

(thanks Kelly :-)

Sacred singing

Sacred Singing today.  A bunch of us gather once a month at E's to sing songs and break bread.  We sing songs that communicate something to us spiritually.  I spent some time this morning flipping through Rise Up Singing and surfing my mind and selected three songs to bring with me:

Somos El Barco (L. Wyatt), If I Had A Hammer (L. Hays and P. Seeger), and Imagine (J. Lennon) (follow the links for video clips of the songs).

It is my turn to bring bread this week.  It has been an internally chaotic week and so I decided to buy instead of bake.  I'll be picking up a Celebration Bread from a local organic bakery to bring with me.

Looking forward to communing in song and sharing food.

Namaste.

Friday 5

(in no particular order...)

1. Japchae.  A delicious Korean noodle dish that Melody fed me.  So good.  Glass noodles made from sweet potatoes, with carrot, spinach, mushroom and onion...seasoned with salt, sugar and soy sauce, cooked with vegetable and sesame oil.  Yum, yum, yum.

2. Johnny Weir.  Dude's such a free spirit.  I love him.  Thoroughly enjoyed his skating at these Winter Games.  Looking forward to catching some eps of his docu-reality show on the Sundance Channel.

3. Shadow Tag.  The latest from my favorite author.  The library called today to let me know it's in.  Picking it up tomorrow and am determined to read it before it's due back in 2 weeks.

 

4. My girl back in Lima.  Wearing one of the shirts she bought on one of our shopping outings.  I miss her something fierce.

5. The kids and I listened to "Here Comes Science" for the first time today, another gem of a CD from They Might Be Giants.  Sag fell in love with this song, he's definitely got his dad's (and mine, too) DNA.

Like riding a bike

...living (and blogging...not the same thing, but the two are quite intertwined in my own experience...) without Vanessa, that is.  The new normal is catching up with us in time.

Monday I was pretty depressed...fully depleted.  I stayed in my pajamas the whole day and let myself be the shade of gray I was feeling.  I had nothing scheduled till Dragon's Way class.  I had every intention of attending class after having missed the previous two classes and understanding that Qigong will be the bedrock of re-balancing myself, but in the end, my inertia, and the comfort of home as more flakes started to fall...I stayed home.

Yesterday Gem woke me at 3:30am.  He stood there so calmly by my bedside saying he had thrown up.  I am blessed with the ability to wake instantly (and not grumpily) when woken in the middle of my sleep.  I helped him get cleaned up, dealt with his bedding, shuttled Sag into the big bed, and got Gem resettled back to sleep.

I stayed up knowing there was a chance that he'd throw up again.  I was also wide awake since an hour had passed with all the activity.  I cozied up in the afghan on the red chair and enjoyed myself a Tudors mini-marathon.  I was within earshot of Gem and checked on him frequently.

He was sick all day.  For him and me it was a hazy dazy day and evening.  A boost of gratitude to the Universe that Cap's schedule has flexibility on certain days.  This semester, Tuesdays are good for the unexpected.  He took Sag to art class, dropped off our library items and picked me up some subs from University Sub Shop. 

(This is where my dad's DNA kicks in.  I'll hear/read about food somewhere and then become quietly and patiently obsessed with having it.  A few years ago, South Orange/Maplewood native Zach Braff blogged about University Sub Shop and I've wanted to try the reportedly amazing subs ever since.  :-)

By late afternoon we were in a curling trance and I worked on an iPhoto book of Vanessa pictures.

By evening Gem was teary.  He finally ate a bit of apple sauce of bits of homemade bread, and thankfully, they stayed down.  (The water and tea during the day had not.)  He looked so luminous, fragile and the echoes of his baby face were so powerful and moving for me, I asked him if I could photograph him.  He said yes....and then fell asleep.

 

He slept through the night, as did I, and we are all feeling more like ourselves this morning.  

We've spotted and enjoyed our first big icicle of the season, had Dum Dums before breakfast (thanks Mummu :-), and Sag and I are off to the local art museum for a homeschoolers workshop on painting on canvas.

I hope your day or night brings you closer to your true Self.

approx. 18-24 inches long.

Dum Dum love.

The final hours

I had to wake the kids up so that they'd have enough time to "be" before leaving the apartment for the airport.  We've been watching the Olympics deep into the night and they were still sound asleep at 8:30.

We gave V her gifts, the usual grilled cheese sandwiches were had for breakfast, the week-long Monopoly came to its joyful conclusion, final panels of Calvin and Hobbes were shared...

The ride to the airport was so silent.  In a very peaceful way.  Then we reminisced about the first car ride.  Vanessa said she thought it was going to take the kids longer to warm up to her than it did.

Though Gem wouldn't make eye contact and Sag stared and stared (in his mind surreptitiously ;-) while Cap and I made small talk on our drive home from the airport, by the end of the ride they were both chatting amiably with her, the ice well on its way to be being broken.

At the airport we were faced with the much-sooner-than-expected good-byes for Vanessa, Cap and the boys.  Terminal C at Newark Airport: what's up with having no amenities for people seeing loved ones off before said loved ones have to go through security?  You ask that we arrive three hours early for international departures and then do not provide the space for leisurely send-offs.

So they said good-bye and went home.  Vanessa and I went through security and into the brightly lit muted hum of the shops and food courts and departure gates.

We ate disco fries.  A New Jersey specialty I had heard of and had never tried.  Fries smothered in melted cheese and gravy.  They were good.

We browsed a book shop.  (Vanessa picked up the seventh 39 Clues book for the kids who were very happy when I passed it along later :-)

We had to wait on line one last time, for passport verification before they called passengers for boarding, we started to cry and couldn't stop holding each other.

And then I let go and gently steered her towards the breezeway entrance.  I scrambled through the milling passengers still waiting to board, to get a clear view of the back of her head and watched her walk away, her shoulders shaking as she sobbed.

And she was gone.

Burrowing

I just uploaded the last batch of photos. Looking at them was way too bittersweet. I am not going to post any today, it makes me too sad.

I've drowned my sorrows in Wii (won a gold in Skeleton :-), Olympics on tv (the biathlon and Nordic combined events are cooler than I would have ever thought), hugging and holding the kids, and a rare slice of Sicilian topped with my homemade pesto (which Vanessa loved so...)

Moving on to the new season opener of Amazing Race.

Pics tomorrow. Maybe.

My necklace

made by Vanessa.

The winter games

Last night: snow jumping.  The kids have been primed by the Mario and Sonic Winter Olympics Wii game and are digging the real thing.

Fiber love

 

beauty.

In my family of origin, I am the fiber artist wanna be.  Both my mother and sister are gifted crafters and their talents spread across many disciplines.  My sister wowed me with this handknit last night.  It's Elizabeth Zimmerman's Seamless Yoke sweater.  The colors in the yoke use the Hermione yarn I gave her for her birthday, the same yarn she used for my gloves.

(She also knit a jumper for our niece.  I can't believe I didn't get a picture of it!  Too busy enjoying my Carvel ice cream cake...which tasted exactly the same as it ever did...love the chocolate crunchies...  She used the cotton candy pink mohair that was gifted to my stash by mother's good friend a few years ago...a circle of love.)

I finished Vanessa's scarf last night.  Garter stitch over and over was all I could muster, but a simple knit using wonderful yarn (discontinued...say it ain't so!) turned out a pretty perfect scarf for a girl who loves purple and eye-catching detail.  (The colors are darker and richer in real life...)

 

Noro rocks.

Before the waterfall

love.

We had a late lunch at the Tick Tock (couldn't have Vanessa leave NJ before eating in a diner...check out their gallery for pics) before heading over to Queens for our niece/cousin's 3rd birthday party.

 

  

 

As we stepped out into the night air after hours of food, play and family, V asked me the word for what turned out to be 'waterfall'.  And a few minutes later she said she was going to be like a waterfall tomorrow with crying.

It is now "tomorrow".  Vanessa goes home today.  To her other home.