The first thing that's kind of killing me: most of these tabs come with multiple thoughts/ideas attached to them.
For example, the gummy bears recipe...
~~~I've been wanting to decrease the kids' sugar intake~~~they might like these~~~ooh the molds are on sale at Think Geek~~~I'll order a bunch of stuff to get free shipping~~~the Think Geek box arrived days ago and remains unopened~~~I spent a long time looking for other stuff to order~~~if I had just gotten the molds and paid for shipping I would have spent $50 less~~~I shouldn't have spent all that money~~~are the kids going to even like these~~~when am I going to make these~~~
Exhausting. Stupid. Unstoppable.
Well, seemingly unstoppable.
The second thing that's kind of killing me: this current reality of my desktop (in/arguably a virtual environment) totally mirrors the current reality of my home/body/mind (in/arguably my actual environments). Lots of thoughts and ideas, intentions and dreams, converted into STUFF that PILES and GATHERS.
Sparks happy and bright devolve into dusty lumps forgotten-in-plain-sight.
This brings me down. Not in the good-for-me grounding way described here, but in a pulled under into the doldrums way.
And yet, and yet, I push through...through these moments that are not comfortable (unfortunately, they are not comfortable for my little family, either), but are simply a part of my life.
I had an impromptu late lunch with Donna today and we got to talking. I said something which surprised her: cooking is not in my nature.
Cooking is not in my nature.
Yup.
Cooking is something I do because I have to. It is something I have had to do, having a child with multiple food allergies. He was born allergic, thirteen years ago, so cooking for him/us is now old hat. But, that has not changed the fact that my deepest desires do not ever involve cooking.
I don't begrudge it, despite having my moments of resenting the tedium of the toil. (And it is something I have always enjoyed doing in celebratory spurts...Solstice parties, anyone?) Luckily, what is in my nature, is having my breath taken away by the experience of beauty...something home cooking of whole foods is replete with.
I love food and find joy in celebrating even the smallest occasion for breaking bread. The looks, the aromas, the textures, the flavors, the colors...the company, the communion, the connection... I have learned some neat tricks, I have gained skills and my time in this earthly realm has most certainly been enriched in pleasurable ways because I have cooked and cooked and cooked.
But, it's true. Cooking does not come naturally to me. And times like now when life "stuff" converges and leaves me drained, it's good to acknowledge that home cooking takes time and energy for me, more than others. I'm in a downshift right now and the imbalance is uncomfortable...but cooking will right itself again, soon, no doubt.
My view today. Although I felt pretty ill Saturday, it is clear now that I am not sick...at least not in the traditional sense.
My period came early and the flow is lighter.
My lower back/pubic bone/belly have become temporary hot spots. My back, in particular, is in pain/sensitive.
My emotions have been...challenging and intense, some of it felt like really old crud that was dislodged and is banging its way up my insides on its way out. The worst seems to be over, for now.
In the last few days I have realized that a woman never knows when her last period "is" only when it was. This made me inexplicably sad. Not for womankind, but for me, personally. So strange that despite looking forward to not having anymore periods, the thudding reality of letting go of a phase of my life hit me kind of hard.
I have also realized how much I hate being out of physical commission/in physical pain. It is insidiously demoralizing. It is not something I think of often...the last time something like this happened was a few years ago. It's a reminder of the blessing of my usual life.
Holy hormones, Batman. Last night I could not fall asleep. By 3:30am I was in so much pain (back and head), I staggered out of bed in search of the Aleve. I think it kicked in mercifully quickly and I was asleep by 4:00. This sleep was bookended by highly charged emotional states which had me blinded and Cap blindsided. I finally cried a bit close to noontime, which helped.
(I used to cry a lot more than I ever do now. It doesn't seem to come naturally to me anymore.)
Recovery has been taking longer than I want. But, it's happening.
Most of these pics are unprocessed. Raw, for what it's worth. The equivalent of putting something down on paper.
It's been busy. The weekend in D.C. was great in many ways. (Unfortunate in only one: dire lack of sleep the first night, only marginally improved the second night.) Fulfilling. But, returning has meant diving into getting ready for Thanksgiving. And Sag's birthday. He was born on Thanksgiving Day and his birthday falls on it once again.
I'm also PMSing and am feeling, acutely, the effect of Mercury in retrograde.
Not feeling good. But I am not forsaking flow. I keep swimming into undertows, but gratefully, am finding reserves and unexpected strength in my limbs as I swim my way out and tread about.
This afternoon I felt self-loathing. Something I haven't experienced in a long time (but used to, quite often). A very real sign that things are off in my internal universe. (This will be dealt with, once this busy-ness lets up a little.)
Feeling a bit overwhelmed. It's busy, I'm hormonal (waiting for Aunt Flo to come now so I don't have to travel with her), I am feeling like there is not enough time in the day/energy in my being.
Woke up early with an alarm so as not to feel behind the eight ball. Too scattered to flow right into Qigong.
Meditating on this, the best pic from yesterday at Maker Faire (shot by Cap). To connect with the joy and peace that can be found in each moment. It's there.
I had a tiny bit of PMS at the end of last cycle. Then DMS (during menstrual syndrome) after my period started which was more intense. Then after barely a week in between I went into what I was jokingly describing as POS (pre-ovulation syndrome). Which I've never experienced before.
I ain't laughing anymore. Last night I experienced a powerful surge of chemical storminess that had me flailing and shrieking for a lifeline. Problem is, how I am feeling doesn't translate well during such moments and I appeared to Cap a bitter and angry hormonal maniac.
Two things happened back-to-back that on a "normal" day I would find barely to a little annoying. I know because they are things that have happened before. Familiar. When I am PMS hormonal, these familiar non-events suddenly bloom into problems with no solutions and drive me crazy.
I take it personally, really hard.
In the last year or so, the surges have not been so difficult/I have found it easier to ride them out while silencing the beast, so to speak. I've been much more able to just keep my mouth shut knowing that how I felt was going to pass.
Not so much last night. I opened my mouth wide and the scream was not silent.
Fury, hurt, fear (of rejection), utter and base desperation...where does it all come from? Is it old stuff buried/held in me? Is it less emotional and more powerfully chemical (from having consumed more grain/gluten lately...from having switched up my herbs...from a new perimenopausal level reached)?
Unleashed. Unhinged.
After my system, which literally felt like it blew up, restored some equilibrium, hindsight refocused immediately to 20/20. But, by then, the damage had been done to my partner. It was a TKO and he climbed into bed before I did. Which, almost never happens. Unless he's sick.
I attacked. Viral (hopefully not bacterial). Took my baby down.
My blood was throbbing. I took some emergency herbs. Watched the penultimate episode of Weeds on my laptop. And went to bed.
One kid climbed in and then another. Their warm bodies anchored me as I was buffeted about by dreary dreams. When I awoke, I swear, my belly felt crampy. My first thought: am I getting my period again (two weeks early)? My second thought: am I having a miscarriage (even though, technically, structurally, there is no way this could be true)?
Lingering crazy. (But that's how strong the throes were last night. I felt like I was in the clutches of something impossible.)
In TCM, an episode of diarrhea can be viewed positively. It's an example of the body/system expelling something that had been stuck...something that it doesn't need or want. I am wondering if I can take this perspective with last night's episode of what felt like chemical/emotional vomiting.
At least now that this has happened, I can raise my awareness and cordon myself off next time: to spew in private and clean myself up before re-entering relationship to others. Interestingly, I have never liked vomiting (I know...who does?) Something about the loss of control...
(I have a deep old rusty need to keep stuff in. In such diametric opposition to my Aquarian nature. Maybe this is why my shoulders/neck are so tight lately?)
I can see now that when I am feeling that PMS-y vomit coming on, I have an instinct to latch onto Cap for protection.
For saving.
But, no one can save you from vomiting. The instinct might feel real, but in reality it simply doesn't make sense. Vomit needs to happen, it's actually good for you, and it is unstoppable.
Surprised...and encouraged by my own look of determination. I was really effed up and seriously challenged by an event that occurred yesterday afternoon. Grateful...so grateful for my life...partner, kids, friends and family. (And my peapod earrings which are yummy and tickle me.)
This blogpost by Michael Moore was a valuable read. It's provocative and outlying...backed up by irrefutable statistical evidence. In other words, de rigueur Moore.
There are so many things in our society that just. must. give.
The book I am reading, Freedom, illustrates this, too. It is well written (at times exhilaratingly so) and engaging...but so not feel good.
Noting the feeling that I am letting readers down with yet another photo of guacamole, a protein, a veg and fruit...that I have a need or expectation to impress...be remarkable. That's something to let go of.
Temps are going to continue to be in the 90s this week, with humidity. If I could consider living in a different climate, I would. I shut down in this kind of weather. I miss being outside. Breathing in fresh air, being bedazzled by light and wind and trees and sky.
The other thing that shuts down in this weather is the kitchen. I am done feeling bad about it (which I have been and, worse, been keeping it bottled up). Making a shift to deal with it. Case in point: tomorrow we're hosting common meal and I've decided I am not cooking. We'll pick up some rotisserie chickens, a watermelon and I'll make a big salad. Maybe I'll ask Cap to make a big pan of corn bread during the night tonight.
Making a shift to deal with it.
I went to Vinny yesterday. Was so glad he could squeeze me in. We talked for a bit (by the end of which my heart was racing) and then he brought out the big guns.I left calmer and feeling more grounded. I saw a lot of purple while he worked on me. He said purple symbolized change.
Although I was tired and sore, again, when I woke up, and my stomach started hurting after I ate breakfast, I can see and feel evidence of change. Of movement. My mental block about the weather/cooking...the gunk leaking out of my left eye since last night... See how there is no redness on the eyeball itself? This stuff is being pushed out from within. The eye is connected to the liver, which is figuring significantly in my process right now. The liver is also strongly tied to emotions.
I talked to Vinny about reintroducing honey to my system. I do think honey will move me towards more balance. But, I have been curious about the effects of 30 days "clean". One of the things he talked about was the line that can present itself when something you started to do because you wanted to begins to take on aspects of chaining you down rather than setting you free.
It may be that I will not need 30 days to make the difference in my life that I want right now. I am certainly beginning to wonder about what happens after the 30 days. I know I don't want to live zero tolerance for grains and sugar for the rest of my life. That would be too disconnective...from family, from friends, from how I live and celebrate life.
If I am not seeking a permanent break from grains and sugars, then questions do start to creep in about the benefits of doing 30 days if I am not feeling well. For sure, this is an opportunity. I am open to the mystery, open to the chance to discover more about myself, open to deeper change.
To forgive myself for not being perfect...to remember that, truly, there is no "perfect".
To push myself to activate the courage and strength...the will, to heal myself by walking onward down the path rather than take the same loop and retreading, over and over again.
I wondered if the day would come, and it has. Sag now likes avocado. Especially guacamole.
I was eager to have him try some of my homemade. Both avocados had been, sadly, a bit roughed up. I scooped out what I could around the bruises. (The final product is definitely less vibrantly green for the bruising.) I used my beloved garlic press and crushed in two small cloves of garlic. I added a squeeze of lime. I sprinkled on some salt and a grind or two of pepper. Lastly, I tossed in a dash of coconut aminos.
My stomach started to hurt while I was finishing. I decided to eat anyway and had some roast beef, guacamole, lettuce wraps.
I am in some sort of dip. It feels like a hormonal/chemical imbalance. Which I know will right itself soon. I didn't have anything "ready" to eat this morning and have been in sort of a food rut because I haven't been cooking (the kitchen is still not done and 50% of our food prep surfaces are piled high with junk to "process"). I thought a piece of toast with butter would be quick and nice. I wasn't craving it, per se, but the mental wishing felt grounded in reality in a way that was...surprising. Was it a hormonal/chemical effect?
The stomach thing feels familiar. When I am not eating sugar, during certain hormonal times it seems to make my stomach sour and hurt. I noticed I ate more fruit than usual yesterday...was I feeding something chemical? In TCM, there is a correlation/special relationship between sweets and the stomach system. On the one hand, the lack of sugar input could be highlighting a deeper imbalance. Practicing Qigong would help, but I feel so depleted I can't even get started. On the other hand, the lack of sugar could be unnecessarily hard on my system because my body simply needs some sugar to function optimally and happily.
Today I feel like I could just stop the Whole30 experiment and start a new experiment of actively pursuing moderation. But, the voice telling me that would be copping out is strong. So, for now, I'm putting blinders on and knuckling down. Tomorrow I am halfway to 30 days.
I knew starting at the beginning of my cycle, which was a coincidence, would make it easier to get going. The second half of my cycle is the hormonal whack-a-mole. As much of a drag as it can be, it makes sense: once the egg drops, it's instinctual, all the body wants is for that egg to be fertilized so it can create and support new life. If that doesn't happen, the hard wiring has to disengage itself, a delicate proposition which often seems to process a bit rough.
TMI alert: do not read the next paragraph if you don't want to know about my poop.
Something I noticed when I started Whole30 was that, almost immediately, my system became constipated. Not badly, but noticeably. Vinny picked up on it right away and gave me herbs to help in that department. These herbs (called...wait for it...Master Cleanse) had worked powerfully for me a couple of months ago when I took them in preparation for the change of seasons. (So much so that I reduced my dosage quickly.) This time? Nothing. For almost a week.
Ah, I think that might be coming to play right about now. The storm before the calm.
Still shuddering a bit inside. Hot latte is helping to soothe.
I am going out to dinner tonight to celebrate Kelly's birthday with some friends. Cap has been working all weekend at two one-day conferences. I didn't want him to have to fend for dinner with the kids tonight. This meant shifting what I thought would be for lunch for the boys to dinner. Which meant I needed to forage at Whole Foods for lunch...not only for the kids, but for Daniel, who will be spending most of the day with us.
That meant taking the car out. I probably had enough time to walk, but it would be cutting it close time-wise...and also prolonging the inevitable. My first drive was not going to happen without me.
What's my problem?
• I grew up in NYC. My family didn't own a car for most of my childhood. My mother never learned to drive. I failed my driving test in Driver's Ed in high school. I didn't learn to drive till my senior year of college, and my main reason for taking the driving test then was knowing I would not be required to parallel park. I passed that test and got my CT license in 1988 shortly before graduating. I did not own a car. I moved to Japan for a year after that. The year after that I lived in California and I drove a rental car once or twice not very well. The year after that I lived in Japan again. (I have never driven in Japan.) In late 1991 I moved to Massachusetts. The guy at the Plymouth DMV looked at me like I had two heads when I presented my California driver's license to him so I could get a Massachusetts one. It wasn't a license, it was an ID card. I was so out of it as a driver that I'd forgotten that when I moved to Cali I opted to get the ID card (which at that time looked exactly like a driver's license) for official identification purposes. I don't remember why I did that, but it was probably because I didn't anticipate needing to drive. I had no idea where my CT license was so I had to retake all the necessary tests in order to receive a MA license. Luckily, I passed. In early 1992, we bought our first car. I was 26 when I truly began to drive. A late bloomer of sorts.
(Funny story: one of my siblings had come across my CT license at home in NY and figuring I didn't need it wherever I was in Japan or California, used it to make a fake ID.)
• I am a kinesthetic learner. I need to "do" in order to figure it out when I am learning how to do something. When it comes to driving, my confidence in driving is distilled down to routes. The more times I've driven a particular route, the more confident I am in driving...that route. Therefore, I may appear to be a confident driver overall, but the reality is that I am not.
• If Cap and I are in the car together, 99 out of 100 times, he will drive because I want him to.
• If I have to drive somewhere important (ie. first day at new job, first time visit with doctor, etc.), I will often do the drive the day/night before with Cap so I can "see" the route beforehand. I can't do this simply by looking at a map. I have to "do" it.
• Since moving to NJ, I have felt conflict and tension because living here has required more driving (older homeschooling kids with growing interests/circles) in more concentrated congestion of people, cars, streets, towns and than anywhere else I have lived. I pretty much do not want to drive outside my familiar routes...but feel bad about it.
• When I do step outside my comfort level and drive places less familiar, it takes a big toll on me energy-wise. I am very tense in every way before, during and after. And then I'm a puddle.
• It wasn't until after I had kids in the car with me that I began to take driving as seriously as behooved me. Having their safety be paramount pushed me to become a much better driver than I had been up till then. (I was 34 when Gem was born.) The last driving accident I caused was when I was quite pregnant with Gem. I rear ended someone on my way home from work because I was trying to eat a messy sub while driving. Even being pregnant didn't wake me up! I had to have that live little baby, out of my uterus, for driving safety to begin truly sinking in.
This is all to say that I've been increasingly nervous about driving the Prius for the last 24+ hours...and why. I couldn't do it yesterday, but today I was motivated.
So, I grabbed the manual and the kids and I got in the car. (No name yet...soon we hope!) I tried to remember how to start it and shift into reverse. I couldn't do it! I tried for a few minutes and then consulted the manual. I had already read that section, but didn't remember. I found the info I needed and we were on our way.
The streets were very quiet, thank goodness. I realized quickly that there was much to distract my attention: the digital readout of the "speedometer" threw me off and my eyes were repeatedly drawn to watching those numbers change...the breaks were so responsive!...too responsive!...acceleration took longer than felt intuitive...too long! I'd always remember, too late, to see if someone was behind me. Like I said, thankfully, the streets were quiet so I wasn't being a hazard.
The car is very quiet, as you may know or have heard. I was right to think it will take me awhile to adjust to not having the sound feedback you get driving a non-hybrid car. I have no idea when I will actually begin to read and understand the information on the dash regarding whether you are in Eco mode or power mode, how much gas you have left, how much battery charge there is, what time it is, what the temperature is outside, etc. etc. There is so much info lit up on the display screen!
We made it to the supermarket (five minutes away) and after we picked up stuff for lunch a big latte for me, we put the bags in the back of the car because I figured out how to open the hatchback door! My body remembered what to do to start the car and shift into drive (though I couldn't tell you know. My body knows more easily than my mind.
If I feel up for it, I will take another short trip later to the bookstore. Eek!
I've noticed that every time I start the Dragon's Way, I go whole hog in the opposite direction. (Except for the first time...this did not happen then.) I don't know what it means, what explains it. I do know it makes it that much harder to really get going. And, I believe, that excepting for the first time, I have never fully committed to the program.
I can feel resistance to my resistance this time.
I want to sabotage my self-sabotage.
Double negative is a positive.
(How bad it's gotten: as our time in Philly came to a close, I said to Cap. time to tighten the belt! and then proceeded to get takeout for dinner three out of the past four nights. consolation: I have been feeding the kids healthily.)
Something I'd like to learn along the way this next while...how to more effectively...no, a better word here would be authentically...or deeply...or truly...or all the above...restore myself through solitude. I could have planned better for this week, but I didn't. And my "alone" time (my timeout from the outside world...I barely had time away from the kids) was spent escaping rather than recharging.
Awareness, recognition, is the first step.
One of my obstacles is that despite being an introvert, I am highly interpersonal. Backtrack. That is not an obstacle. That is simply who I am. The obstacle is that I can and do use social media to connect interpersonally with friends and friendly folk (no matter the ethereal quality of these connections, they feed me in ways that seem to matter). And my screen time tends to blot out using my time in different ways, that would be more restorative to my body, mind and spirit.
Like sleeping. Or practicing. Or reading. Or hanging out with my kids or partner with my laptop closed. Or taking a walk.
I blog (and am currently subscribed to 88 blogs in my Google Reader), I Facebook, I Twitter, I Goodreads, I Flickr. (Jamie, see how right you are? I am thus far resisting Pinterest.)
I do think about taking an internet break. But, it would be a drastic change. It feels catastrophic in proportion...which may be a reason to shake things up a bit. Where's the good, the healthy, the balance, in living with the specter of catastrophe? And, honestly, there's an all-or-nothing attraction to excising something that feels so essential.
I have felt this way, at other times, about tv. And clutter.
I also have had thoughts like: this would be easier to do/not do if I didn't have the kids to think of...alternating with understanding that it is because I have kids that I want to do/not do certain things...alternating with realizing that it is since having kids that my life has changed in some deeply traumatic ways.
(I don't blame them and I am living my dream. I have always wanted kids and feel very lucky to be a parent. What I am talking about here is just how big a deal it can be to have children...in terms of time, energy and resources. I happen to be someone who has had significant personal growing to do as an adult. Having kids has been a mix of hindering and helping. But, I suppose everything and/or anything can be perceived in such ways. And, ultimately, it is best to observe and not dwell. What matters is that you keep moving.)
Spring, Spring. A time of growth and change and birth so intense it sometimes feels furious. My personal is inevitably tied into our family and so my full plate is not purely my own. Which is of my choosing, but still weighs me down. I don't resent it (a sign of development...I used to much more), but I do long for solitude in a more intense way...the simplification of a unit of one, in order to reconnect again with others in the web, with peace and presence and intention.
Next up for me/the family:
• buying a car (and all that entails...process has been going on for awhile, hoping to close the deal soon)
• Dragon's Way (and all that entails: practicing every day, adjusting diet, attending class)
• continuing to think about monitor the kids' food stuff
• returning to more structured home school schedule after a vacation week "off"
• dealing with a fast filling schedule of busy weekends into June
• continuing with apartment declutter
• the basement declutter
• revamping household budget and finance running
Am I whining? About first world problems? These are most definitely first world problems...but I hope I am not whining. I am teetering on feeling buried and there was some self-loathing creeping in this morning. Getting these thoughts out and down "on paper" has helped. As has the Earl Grey with the last of my Barcelona honey.
...go outside every day...make it a walk around the block.
...ask the doctor about getting hormones checked.
My mood has plummeted today. I am pretty sure all of the above would help prevent a swing like this. Or at least allow me to navigate it with some grace and dignity.
Instead, I am barely present for the people I choose to have in my life and all I want to do is cry or bang my head (musically, not literally).
This is my go to head banging tune (thanks, Shannon)...
A few days ago, I said to a friend who asked me how I was doing, "I am feeling tired of being so sensitive to seemingly everything."
And then I kind of let it go...thinking, in part, it was the ranting of a PMS jag (though it came during my period...I'm calling it DMS) and not worth exploring.
But then, I mentioned it to Cap a few days later.
And then, this afternoon, I brought it up when I saw Vinny.
A few minutes ago, I went here and suddenly, I didn't think I was as crazy as I had started to recently feel. (There is a lot of info at this site...the short of it is I was reminded of the world of HSP that is out there.)
It's a relief, just to take a breath (or two) and bathe in the positives and the actions available to me rather than the frenetic stabs of anxiety and confusion which can come with being very sensitive.
I've just requested this, this and this from the library.
: : : : : :
I spent the morning in the kitchen. here are some pics.
I cannot get enough of this dressing. But, I find the process of washing, drying and cutting (into thin ribbons) kale incredibly tedious. So, I often think about this dressing, but choose not to make the salad.
*Ding*! I had an epiphany over the weekend. I could make the dressing and toss it with salad greens! So far, the greens are holding up to the dressing nicely. They may be soggy by tomorrow. We shall see.
Gem is still not a fan of the protein smoothies. But, I am continually adjusting and calibrating and he is reluctantly drinking them. Sag and I find them quite yummy.
We brought home two of these 15 pound bags of organic "Japanese" rice (a California premium short grain rice) from Mitsuwa the other day. I refilled our rice tub this morning and look forward to seeing whether the kids will notice a difference. They sure do love their white rice and I have a feeling they will really enjoy this stuff.
Speaking of which, time to go put dinner together. Have you tried quinoa pasta? It's wonderful (and perfect for when I want a bit of grain...I am finding, so far, that quinoa doesn't make me bloat like rice does...and it doesn't make my brain foggy like wheat does.)
Oh shoot, I just noticed this stuff has corn in it (I had some at Donna's house last week). My jury is still out on corn. I don't feel any immediate negative results from consuming corn...but I do think it might have an addictive (sugar-y) effect on my chemistry.
I may be laying low, electronically, this week. I am down, emotionally. I feel like my energy is sapped. Not sure why or how. I want to throw what energy I do have into getting some IRL (in real life) stuff done: getting back on track with the more structured homeschooling, cooking up some vegetable dishes and preparing and filing our taxes.
But you know, there is always stuff that needs to get done. Something else is going on. Maybe some new and complex PMS, maybe some seasonal change chaos, I don't know. Bear with me if I don't check in here for a bit.
A headache started. It portended more to come. It's the sugar withdrawal.
Last week, I took a pill which masked the pain I could still feel as "wrong" just below the surface.
Today. I thought of the dark chocolate bar I had stashed in my desk. In a brown paper bag, even. Little blue pill or a square of chocolate? The decision wasn't as easy as one might think. There is, that slippery slope.
I chose chocolate.
This bar can be broken up into 30 squares. I broke off one square and let the medicine do its work. The headache has been fed for now.
Can I really consume just one square a day? It will be an exercise in mindfulness this month.
P.S. Sag does still have strep. I am trying to stay positive in the face of giving him a stronger antibiotic. Meditating on the Sun, the balm of the blanket of warmth that has dropped on us from the sky, the rhythm of folding laundry, the pleasure of a new book.
Cap is home, which means, secondarily, that so is the car. So this morning we piled in and drove over to Target where Gem bought a new game he's been saving up for.
We were in the vicinity of Barnes and Noble so I dragged the fam in to sate my new addiction to buying books (I had some gift cards burning a hole in my wallet). Gem scored again, finding the new 39 Clues book, Cap picked up some music mags and I found one of the three memoirs I was looking for. (They didn't have this or this in stock.)
On the way home, there was much joy when we realized that Rita's has reopened for the season.
It's another day of taking it easy. Both kids had little fevers yesterday, they are in recovery...rolling along rather than bouncing back. I am on the cusp of depressed. Food-related chemical sensitivity.
Reading (Birchbark House read aloud among others), Rosetta Stone, loom knitting and sewing, Qigong and homework...easing back into structured activity.
For me, Another Bullshit Night In Suck City (which I am loving...so happy to be reading again), getting back to making regular food for the kids, knitting the Cavendish throw (just over three balls of yarn left), living with the consequences of eating some rye yesterday (ouch)...easing into what feels like yet another day in transition.
The three of us will be heading out into the world for the first time since the kids got sick. Today is Sag's last day of Robotics and families are invited to come and watch the competitive games to close out the session. Thankfully, Donna can give us a ride. Cap is at a conference in Providence.
Instinct is to spat out frustration. Recalibrating to calm instead. Hence the ellipses.
In a pocket of sleep deprivation and immune system hard-at-work. Could not resist the siren song of gluten-free store bought blueberry muffins. I particularly enjoyed the crunch of the sugar crystals on top.
And I thought: I miss this texture. And I wondered: what in a sugar-free world can replicate this crunch? And then because my mind is shot: the thought fled, unanswered.
Nots to self:
It has been harder to completely forego sugar and grains this time.
I don't miss dairy, per se, but I can feel my body calling for some fat. Grass-fed butter may be the bridge I need.
I am feeling a wired overload. After this blog post, I am shutting off my devices for the day.
The negative thoughts are not real. They are expressions of chemical messages...surges and dips... Let them walk on by.
