Walking the walk

This morning, son #2 was having a hard time.  He was hit with the quick bug I had and is feeling occasionally overwhelmed in its aftermath.  (Son #1 is feeling under the weather today.)

Fortunately, I had resumed meditating and practicing Qigong (the routine was thrown by my getting sick), and my calmer and clearer mind was able to feel compassion and assist in problem solving.

We did some talk processing, but the clincher was making a list.

Once he was squared away, I tripped over some of my own feelings of overwhelm.  Then, I made a list.

Things to be completed by Sag's family birthday party/Christmas gathering on Sunday:

• knit a hat, weave in ends of two hats, wrap two hats

• make candied pecans

• put a dent in the holiday cards (at the very least, the three for family members gathering)

• deep clean kitchen (it. is. so. nasty.)

• deep clean the bathroom

• dust all rooms

• vacuum all rooms

• pick up and wrap nephew dog's gift

• clean and organize my "desk" (still so much loose paper!)

• bake Christmas cookies: these and these

• put up tree and decorations

• prep party food: appies (hopefully the farmer's market will persevere pre-snowstorm), deviled eggs, steamed carrots, onigiri, cream cheese frosting.  (Cap is baking the cake, my mom is bringing meatballs, and we're bringing in a couple of pizzas.)

Breathe in, breathe out.  And smile.  And feel grateful.  My mantras.

train crossing at night.

found tucked in library book.

candied pecans o'clock.

curly Su?

I hope it's a happy Friday for you.

Peace and love.

A day in the life

What I wanted to do today was read.  Read NOS4A2 all day.  Because it is due tomorrow with no renewal, because it is a new book.  Instead, I rolled out of bed, cleaned up late night remnants in the kitchen, fed Gem some breakfast, rallied the kids for a stroll, and voted.

Then I made breakfast again.  For Sag and myself, and Gem, who decided to be Hobbit-y and have a second breakfast.

Then I paid some bills and kept Gem company while he worked on some Math.  And called gymnastics to let them know Sag has a sprained wrist and won't be in class.

Then I started to practice Qigong but was interrupted by a request.

Then I drove Cap to work.  He has been in a grading frenzy.

Then I ran some errands since I was going to be out.

Then I sat with Gem again while he worked on some more Math.  And discovered that the second session of swimming is full and put the kids on a wait list.

Then I made lunch.  I love this recipe for kale salad.  It is one of my most favorite, ever.  (The kids don't eat kale.  They had taco leftovers.)

Then Sag asked for cheese dip.  His lunch was nachos with taco fixings and he wished for cheese sauce (but he called it dip).  I started poking around the internet for cheese dip recipes and realized I was missing a crucial ingredient: cream cheese.

Then I started putting dinner together.  I prepped a marinade.  I pulled the chicken thighs out of their pouch (they had been defrosting in water all morning)...and one of the thighs had gone way bad.

Then I hoofed it over to Whole Paycheck and picked up a package of chicken thighs and a box of cream cheese.  I was wearing sweat pants.  And my slouchy knit hat because I still had bedhead.  And my fitted Red Sox hoodie looked awful funny zipped over my very baggy sweatpants.  So I unzipped the hoodie which revealed my baggy worn magenta iKnit t-shirt.  I considered changing for a split second and then decided I really didn't care.

Then I prepped the chicken, set it to marinate, and returned to Internet Land in search of cheese dip inspiration.

Then I made cheese dip.  Sag was ambivalent when he saw it.  It turned out he was expecting something quite a bit more Velveeta-esque.  No matter.  As soon as he took his first bite, he was smitten.

I used this Trisha Yearwood recipe as a base.  I subbed mostly ewegurt (sheep milk plain yogurt) and a bit of mayo for the mayo, I subbed a mystery (delicious) cheese from my mom's the other night for the Monterey Jack, I subbed a splash of sriracha for the cayenne, and I subbed an end slice of Whole Food's GF Light Sandwich bread, crumbed with a couple dashes of salt, for the 8 butter crackers.

Sag and I scooped up a quarter of the 9-inch pie plate with tortilla strips for a snack.  Yum.

And now, now it's time to make dinner.  The rice is in the cooker, my snapshots have been Instagrammed, I need to reprogram the DVR to allow for the Red Sox game to be watched at 8...  Once I am done cleaning up from dinner, I'll likely get a call about picking up my honey.  Then it will be time for the game.  And I have a feeling inertia and pooped-ness will settle down upon me.  I will not practice Qigong.  I will not hole up with my book.  I will sit in my red chair next to my native New Englander in his blue chair...and hopefully not gnash our teeth too much at the tv.

Peace and love.

Exhale

As I took my last bite of braised red cabbage and apple scrambled with chopped plum tomato and a pastured egg with a drizzle of fish sauce (Red Boat = sugar-free)...my body released a tiny moan of pleased satisfaction.  And I felt so lucky.  And I felt so grateful.  (The soup is butternut which deepened overnight into a super savory delight.)

Yesterday I read an interview with Ann Leary and was struck by something she said:

"I think what people who aren't alcoholics don't understand is that denial isn't a refusal to believe the truth on the part of the alcoholic. They actually believe their truth. You know, it's not that they're turning, you know, a blind eye. They actually are in a different reality than their family members."

As I shift into a Dragon-y phase, I am quietly stunned by my pieces as they fall into...a different more healthful design.  I am the same, I am still me...yet going to class and practicing the Qigong movements for just a few days has brought about a subtle sea change.

(Eating less; feeling naturally and actually hungry, as opposed to, the more familiar clawing anxious seeking comfort hungry; being aware of the ebb and flow of nourishment and inflammation/distention; feeling more focus; feeling more calm.)

I don't think I am a true addict, but I know I have the tendency in my DNA.  I wonder if this has landed me in the center part of a Venn diagram.  I am capable of going into "different realities" while simultaneously believing that in doing so, I am refusing to believe "the truth".  That's some serious push and pull and would explain some things.

Anyway, all the tension and chaos of the past few months are quickly being left in the dust.  I am feeling good.

The weather has turned autumnal again and I am obsessively enjoying my new robe, the second robe I have ever owned.  It is cozy and colorful and chenille.

I am rediscovering the joy of apples.  Local, low-pesticide fruits fresh from the orchard.  YUM.  The color, texture, fragrance, flavor...unbeatable.

I hope you are thoroughly enjoying something today.

Peace and love.

Time of the body

When I turned 40 I was stoked.  Buoyed by a strong sense of "new beginning" (of the second half of my life), I vibrated promise.  And I wanted to ride that tantalizing burst of bliss to lots more.

(My thirties ran me ragged.  A surge of life "events" strung together closely resulted in inadequate capacity for stress management.  Infertility~baby~baby has multiple food allergies~another baby~second baby contracts pneumonia at one month~leaving a job/work I loved~moving into father-in-law's in the boondocks~moving to Sacramento...it was during our second year in Sacramento that I turned 40.)

In searching for my bliss, I focused on myself.  One of my guiding principles was that being happier would make everyone else in my family happier.  Within a year of turning 40 we moved to New Jersey and, here, I set about looking for someone to work with, someone who would expand my capacity for understanding what makes me tick so I could travel the road of least resistance towards personal joy.

I had met Kelly at a homeschooling event at the library and we became fast friends.  She introduced me to Master Lu and Vinny.  The rest, in a way, has been history.  As most of you know, Vinny has mad skills and has helped me, a lot, over the years.  I am definitely happier now than I was when I turned 40.

And yet...as I begin staring down 50, I am realizing that a new phase is upon me.  It is the time of the body.  I have had a fairly complicated relationship with my body since childhood.  I have carried body baggage into adulthood and never fully dealt with it.  Hence, the Oprah-like pendulum-ing of my weight (according to my backseat psychiatrist couch-think).

I have been having a hard time with fatigue for nearly two years.  During this time I've dabbled in self-education around hormonal issues (thyroid and perimenopause) and Paleo eating (which did seem to help a lot with my ADDishness).  Throughout, I saw Vinny.  He worked on me and I took the herbs he prescribed.

But, little has changed with the fatigue.  (My sleep issues, which peaked during this time, responded positively and dramatically to reducing caffeine and sugar.)

I signed up for the Y, I signed up for dance classes, I created schedules in an effort to get out/move my body, I considered yoga.  Nada.  I've been too tired or overwhelmed to actually do any of it.

In the last three months it has creepingly become undeniable: not only am I tired every morning when I wake up (recently I've been getting solid sleep and I know I am not emotionally depressed), but I am often ache-y and I am way too heavy.

Dragon's Way started last night and we practiced movements 1-4.  In a stunning moment of "oh !@#%", my new reality smacked me.  Hard.  These movements, which have never been hard for me, kicked my ass.

Describing the Qigong movements is a whole other post.  Suffice to say, for now, that though you have to be fairly exact in your execution for maximum benefit, the movements themselves are simple, gentle and slow.  Now, imagine me, doing these simple, gentle, slow movements and parts of my body starting to feel like lead within a minute of starting...not so much painful (though it is sometimes) but resistance to the simple, gentle and slow movements manifesting itself in a way that feels huge and immovable.  Now add guttural moans.  And sweat dripping off of me.  It was not pretty.

It was clarifying.  I've hit my tipping point.  Watershed moment.  47 is a prime number and I thought this year would be special.  I've been jiggling the key, working it, and I've been a little frustrated at the stickiness of the lock (blocked energy, prolonged fatigue, the metaphor fits).  Last night, the lock finally started to give a little.  A resounding "click" may be in my future.

The Qigong last night was powerful (practicing in a group generates some really lovely energy) and healing.  I was not ache-y this morning.  I practiced today.  I have eaten much less.  I have been more directed in my activity.  I have had more compassion for the kids.

I feel much more grounded.

In the past, I have focused on the food part of Dragon's Way, but this time, the food will be tertiary after the movements and the herbs.  After last night I know, in my bones, that practicing the movements can lead the way.  It will make the rest easier.

In other news, I have been spending a lot of time cooking.  And in between, I have been eating less, and well.

braised pork from A Spoonful of Ginger.

toasted macadamia nuts.

banana muffins.

bread crumbs.

apple sauce.

carrots.

shakshouka.

oatmeal raisin cookies.

Off to make some turkey meatballs for common meal tomorrow and then put together taco fixings for tonight.

Peace and love.

Dragon's Way

First class tonight and it KICKED MY ASS.

I'm gonna sleep well tonight...

Peace and love.

The space between rustic and refined

You may think granola is not refined...but I am telling you, this recipe makes an almost unrecognizable granola.  It's a bit like oat candy, more savory than sweet, complex, tasty.

Most of my day was spent in the kitchen yesterday with a nice break in between to spend some time with my honey.  (We ran errands and had lunch.)

I made granola, sautéed-braised cabbage/onion/apple, made pizza three ways (Daiya cheese on one, mozz on the other, turkey bacon for Cap, pork bacon for the rest of us) and cooked up another shakshouka (with Japanese eggplant this time, highly recommend).

I tinkered with this great pizza crust recipe and the results were happy-making.  Cap has been our resident pizza maker for years and he gave my pizza the thumbs up.  I am stoked to share in pizza making! 

Sag and I have some bean digesting sensitivities so I am decreasing my use of garfava flour which is a go to flour for many gluten-free cooks due to its higher protein and flavor profile.  (We don't use sorghum, another GF favorite for its texture profile because it doesn't agree with Gem's system).  I used M.A.G.'s all purpose rice flour bend for the base of the pizza crust.  I very unmethodically used less than 2 cups and subbed in some almond flour.  (Apparently one can sub in almond flour 1:1 for any GF flour called for in a recipe, up to 50%, without changing the end result too much.)  

Then, even more unmethodically, I added about 1/4 cup of arrowroot powder.  Because I remembered that "all purpose" means a mix of grain and starch...a skosh too late.  I figured (correctly, as it turned out) that the recipe could take it.  The result was a soft crust with a hint of chewiness and a nice toothsomeness created by the golden flaxmeal I used to handle the very tacky dough when working it onto the pizza stone and baking sheet (not toe self: put a pizza stone on the "to do" list...)

I didn't take a pic last night because I was too busy getting dinner on the table, and afterward, cleaning up and preparing the shakshouka.  But, here's a shot of this morning's cold pizza...

I enjoyed some of the shakshouka for breakfast this morning with two eggs.  And thought about making mistakes.  And being a kinesthetic learner.  And how this third batch of shakshouka was the best one of all because of the tweaking and learning I have done along the way of making it over and over again.  (For example, the ingredient list calls for a specific amount of salt but then never calls for it in the body of the recipe so, I believe I left it out the first two times.  Last night I tossed it in there at the start of the 20 minute stirring-reducing.)

Off to practice Qigong.  After that, it could be anything...hanging/folding laundry, baking oatmeal-raisin cookies, braising some pork shoulder, reading my book, diving into a mess of paperwork, finishing up the food shopping, watching Life of Pi (which I recorded weeks ago), doing something with one kid or the other or both, making a phone call or two or three...the possibilities are endless it seems.

Oh, and I can pickle those radishes!

Peace and love.

Monday, monday

The leaf has turned.  To the Paleo side.  Lunch was roasted rutabaga and sweet potato, haricot vert and baked chicken (in lieu of grilling outdoors).  I followed Well Fed's recipe for grilled chicken and it was delicious.  The kids liked it, too.  I cooked the chicken while working with the kids this morning.  Easy.

The fridge is packed with pre-cooked/prepped meal components:

• steam-sautéed red cabbage

• steam-sautéed Brussels sprouts

• steam-sautéed bell peppers (green, red, orange, yellow...I love my colors)

• roasted plum tomatoes

• roasted sweet potato and rutabaga

• steamed haricot vert

• sunshine sauce

• browned ground beef/lamb

• grilled turkey sausage

• baked chicken thighs

I also have a tub of baby spinach and plenty of eggs.  Cap is swinging by Trader Joe's tonight and will pick up basil (for a pesto sauce for which I will also need some homemade mayo) and some veg for raw consumption (Persian cukes, grape toms and snap peas).

I think this is going to be too much food.  There will be an easing in period of figuring out what (variety and balance) and how much (quantity and perishability).  One of the things I am curious to see is which meal components the kids will dis/like.  In the meantime, yum.

Had rare-for-me scary dreams last night involving scenes of personal danger.  Yuck.

Early morning quiet enabled an hour of listening to a This American Life podcast while practicing Qigong and squatting.  Very nice.

Peace and love.

 

Shifting

Tomorrow some beginnings will spring forth...the rebirth of familiar fauna, the arrival of new shoots.

• daily morning Qigong for me.  perhaps with the setting of an alarm clock to nudge me into an earlier to bed/earlier to rise pattern.

• piggybacking on gluten-free, and going sugar-free.  a tweet I saw today said it all: "The key to a healthy diet is to cook or live with someone who does."  the last few weeks I have loosened up on meal planning, which is not good for the budget...but it has been good for taking pressure I wasn't even aware of, off of my shoulders.  removing a component like sugar from one's whole foods leaning diet means making a commitment to cooking/baking more of your own food.  it takes a commitment of true time and energy, in addition to a sense of mission/intent/discipline.  I have recovered enough energy to renew my commitment to cooking more.  and improving the health of myself and our family.

• sigh.  it's that time again.  renewal.  making a list of my tv commitments and cutting down.  I heart watching tv.  but it's the thing that has got to give a bit right now.

Game of Thrones

Mad Men

Amazing Race (ends soon)

The Good Wife

House of Lies (ends this week)

Shameless (ends this week)

Top of the Lake

The Following

Revolution

The Mindy Project

Nashville

The Americans

Southland

The Soup

Project Runway (ends soon)

Parks and Rec

Community 

Legit

Hannibal

Spartacus (ends this week)

Real Time

sheesh.  not including the shows ending this week, that's 15 16 hours a week.  I was going to reduce to 7 hours a week, but I don't think I can...  (wow...in addition to these shows I marathon watched two Cinemax series...Hunted and Banshee...in late winter/early spring!  and Downton Abbey was on for two months there...and The Walking Dead...and Justified!)  I also have the first season of Call The Midwife on my dvr and am recording the second season.  *deep cleansing breath*  yes, I love good tv.  oh my god I just remembered I started watching Hannibal...and it's really good.  and the baseball season just started so we're watching Red Sox games.  the Good Wife...I crossed it out, but dang, two weeks ago they put out a top notch episode.  it was so good.  Nashville is my guilty pleasure.  Amazing Race and Project Runway are ending in the new few weeks.  I could drop Project Runway now except I've given it so much of my time already I kind of want to see who wins.  it has been an interesting season with crazy judging.  a friend on Facebook pointed out that things will slow down with summer, which is true.  it feels good to just take an accounting.  to face the situation.  and looking at this list, yes, it's long, but if I cut The Following and Revolution, there isn't much garbage in there.  I guess what will be culled will be culled organically, as time and new commitments dictate.  (see above, setting morning alarm.)

• new rule pertaining to electronics: no electronics until after day's table activities, cleaning work and outdoor time are done.  this is a biggie and will be tres challenging for the kids and me.  but I think the bump to a different reality will be enlightening.  I have no idea how I am going to deal with checking my e-mail.

Here are some photos that tell other parts of the story of my day/weekend:

the upside to sugar is enjoying a bowl like this: vanilla ice cream with a splash of Pedro Ximenez sherry.  so, so scrumptious.

switched the seasonal shelf to a Spring tableau.  I asked the kids if they were still into it and their response was immediate and unequivocal: yes.

the Japanese corner.  the rock and its stand belonged to my paternal grandfather.  the card came from an aunt.  the card holder is from Japan, too.

the gnomes are from our Waldorf days.  they arrived in Christmas stockings, I think.  the rock was painted by Sag in an art class a few years ago.

decluttered the linen closet and now have a supermarket paper bag full of old linens to donate to our local animal shelter.  these towels on top were a commitment ceremony gift to us...twenty year towels.  special.

some chemical shifting within has already begun.  I eschewed the Chinese food I thought I wanted for lunch for simpler home fare.  the last of the goat Brie with baby spinach in a brown rice wrap with grape tomatoes on the side.  yum.

this is what my corner of the apartment looks like at the moment.  a way station for decluttered stuff from the kids' room and the living room.  some day, hopefully sooner rather than later, this area will be my morning Qigong spot.  visions of Qigong, meditation and yoga dance in my head.  it is a process...always.

Peace and love.

Do do do

Not surprisingly, Sag is much more relaxed doing geometry exercises than straight computation equations.  Doing naturally engages him where figuring comes a bit harder.  (Math work has become very challenging and time-consuming for him lately.)

After wavering a bit, I've decided to go ahead with my birthday gathering tomorrow evening.  Lots of folks are sick...it will be a cold night...but timing is kind of everything when it comes to birthdays and scheduling with friends who have kids/families.

I wasn't feeling great myself, yesterday, but my immune system has powered through, it seems.  Feeling much better today.  Once the kids get through their schooling stuff and I finish up my party favor playlist (which I'd be happy to send to anyone, just let me know), I will move along to doing some cleaning and food prep.

What I am making for the shindig: deviled eggs with basil aioli and capers, nut and seed bread, olivada, raspberry brownie bites and sesame kelp noodles (with the Winter Faire sauce).

I've meal planned and made a grocery list for next week (Sat - Fri meal planning seems to be what works for us right now).  I have no formula yet, but have intuitively aimed to buy and spend less.  (And the list is looking good...shorter and less meat to buy!)

Practical practices beginning to form (sorry to those of you for whom this stuff is head-scratchingly obvious):

• choose recipes/dishes based on what we already have in the pantry/fridge.  

• choose recipes which have ingredients in common so, for example, a can of coconut milk can be split amongst two dishes that need half a can each.

• pay attention to the freezer and stay on top of what can and should be used (both ingredients and leftovers), as well as, tossed...before shopping for more.

• rotate meat recipes on a wider scale (the yields tend to be bigger which means less variety during the week); repeat yummy, new veg recipes more frequently to gain practice/efficiency in making them.

I am encouraged by how things have unfolded in this aspect of my life.  I am hoping to turn my attention to developing a meaningful and sustained Qigong practice next month...without losing steam in the Paleo eating/planning/shopping arena.  Fingers crossed.

Peace.

Your true home

"Your true home is in the here and now.  It is not limited by time, space, nationality, or race.  Your true home is not an abstract idea; it is something you can touch and live in every moment.  With mindfulness and concentration, the energies of the Buddha, you can find your true home in the full relaxation of your mind and body in the present moment."  ~ Thich Nhat Hanh

Turning a new leaf, using "the new year" as a point upon which to pivot even as I chuckle at the arbitrariness of it all.

I don't know from Buddha, by the way.  As with spiritual words and ideas from other traditions, the forms of "god" or "higher power" do not compute for me.  Energy and balance, these things I can feel and know.  Spirit and sacred, I have felt and known these, too.  But, there is no structure, no hierarchy, for me, per se.

I guess there is no way around calling these resolutions.

• practice Qigong

• go outside

• eat Paleo

• play music

Every day.  For one year.  Relieving myself of having to think about it for one year.  Getting through each "special" circumstance that comes up over the course of a week, month, year: Fridays, PMS, birthdays, sometimes seemingly anything and everything, that can dissolve my resolve to do with thoughts of wish and wash.

I practiced Qigong this morning.  Toe dance, kick forward and kick backward.  Dragon-stands-between-heaven-and-earth.  A half hour of energy work.  The kick backward kicked my ass, my standing leg, on each side, burned and felt like it was going to snap by the end of the counts.  Dragon-standing gave me the usual challenge of my mind overcoming everything like a molasses flood.  A paltry three minutes.  More later before I check myself off for having practiced today.

There was heat generated and hopefully, released, there is serious heat inside of me.  Alchemy.

At a basic level, our bodies are our true homes.  How we function in, what we contribute to, the world around us, is determined by how optimally balanced we are in our bodies.  Peace of mind, flowing energy, happy hearts...it all germinates from healthy bodies.

Peace and love.

Ding ding ding

I usually start my morning with a single cup of coffee made in the nifty single cup French press I found in the pantry during the big declutter we did in there a few months ago.  This is usually followed by a single cup of black tea mid-morning.

This morning felt different and I pulled out the coffee machine.  Here I am with a mug practically as big as my face.  I brought it home for the kids from D.C.  Love the quote.  (It's J.F.K.)

Something has shifted inside and I have noticed my appetite is ramping down.  This is something.  It is significant.  Or, at least, it feels significant.  For I am a woman with appetites.  Big ones.  

Over the last decade I have attributed these appetites (for food, for daydreams for books, for movies, for knitting, for love...and before I left it, for my profession) to my personality (sensitive/introvert) and have come to parse it even more, to my chemical make-up which ties very much into my hormonal life and neurology.  (It's all a circle of primal ooze...with a dash of stardust.)

Timing would indicate that perimenopause entered my building awhile ago.  And has played me.  Toyed with me.  Screwed me.  Nothing personal, it's just what it does.  I'm lucky.  Because I have breaks in between the toughest times.  And in even my toughest times I don't ever feel like throwing in the towel.  Putting it down temporarily, maybe, but never bowing out for good.

I do find it very hard to remember, though, through much of it, that it's not my fault.  That, somehow, if I would practice Qigong more or eat sugar less or walk away from the screen more or watch tv less...things would be better, that I would be a better person.  A better mom.  A better partner.  A better friend.

Don't get me wrong, realistically, all the above would likely add, incrementally, quality of life to my life.  But, I had a bit of an epiphany this morning.  My little light shone.  

Something has shifted despite my not having made any of the above adjustments in any significant manner (despite thinking I should).  I realized I felt a bit more normal.  Calmer.  More peaceful.  More contained.  Less hungry.  A lot less hungry.

Something shifted just because.  I had nothing to do with it.  

Now, my appetite(s) for self-loathing and self-doubt have really shrunk.  A lot.  But in the throes of listlessness, moodiness, restlessness...when it lasts for more than a day or two, I have seen that the well is deep and old brackish water can rise.

I am glad the bell has rung on this latest bout with punk ass Peri.  I lean forward with new momentum along the path lit by my little light.

Peace.

10pm already

It has been a heck of a busy day.  Lots of Emmy dresses to gawk at.  Well, that and a slew of other things.

Sag and I started our day with a post-Qigong park stroll and playground romp.  I took a bunch of pics but haven't processed them yet.

It was a good day.  Tomorrow promises more...goodness and busy-ness.  Tonight I nurse a possible cold...or yet another kink being worked out of my system (like the thumb "injury" that was intense but passed in 24 hours this weekend).

Peace and love.

Push

Slept about seven hours and was woken up by Sag apologetically asking me a question that could not wait (for him).  I felt like I could have slept some more, but awake was awake.  My body ached and felt leaden.

The light was bright out the windows and the air felt dry (yesterday was muggy, sheets of heavy cold rain washed it all away during the night).  I pushed myself forward.  Turned the laptop on and pushed past the urge to check my email.

Repeated my practice of yesterday.

Notes:

• feeling a lot of energy/stagnation resolutions (current quick-n-hot spots) at my bottom and top.  evacuations out the bottom have been purposeful and efficient.  I'm guessing most of us are constipated to some degree and don't even know it.  my head...this one is going to take some time.  but, I wish I could drill a tiny hole at the top of my skull to let out the energy faster.  there's more pressure there than I'd like.  when I practice, especially Dragon's Way #10, my head starts pulsing a song of swelling.  (stroke runs in my genes...hope practicing can assuage this malady somewhat.)

• every time I have gone grain-free and sugar-free I have felt ache-y.  and irritable.  today is no different.  practicing definitely helped take the edge off.  we will be spending the afternoon in Brooklyn, outdoors, at the Brooklyn Book Festival.  part of me feels it might risk the feelings/better opinions of whoever I am around, but a larger part feels this will be a good way to stay out of my head: reap the benefits of sunshine, friends and the letters.

• my thumb is much better this morning.  surprisingly so.  it really hurt last night.  I have wondered if it was my body's way of forcing the issue of my unbalanced laptop use.  I use my right thumb to manipulate the trackpad.  this morning, after a night of rest and practicing, I can feel there is tightness running up my right arm...could be from favoring my thumb to the disfavor of other muscles...also could be another part of the message.

• after our hike yesterday, I felt tired/sleepy.  the air had been, and still was, very heavy.  since it was Cap's night to make dinner, I decided to practice the Dragon's Way movements (#1-#8).  felt better afterward, perked up, and had a good rest of the evening (except for the thumb injury).

• DW #7: felt a nub of stagnation/pain so "I am here, you cannot ignore me" on the inside of my left foot...it was shocking.  I never feel much of anything doing this one, and when I do, it feels good.  interesting.

Okay.  Kid waiting to use my laptop.  Gotta fly.

Peace.

Verily enjoy the vernal equinox today

I slept abut six hours, mostly with Sag who had a really hard time getting to sleep last night.

After getting out of bed it took some will power and self-talk to not check my email (that is a slippery slope leading to my Reader, Facebook and Twitter).  I unfolded and smoothed out my Four Energy Gates xerox and turned the laptop on.  (Check that link out for videos!)  Yo-Yo Ma's Bach Cello Suites were my background music this morning.

≈ 4 minutes of Gate #1

≈ 4 minutes of Gate #2

≈ 4 minutes of Gate #3

≈ 4 minutes of Gate #4

≈ 6 minutes of Dragon's Way #10

≈ 5 minutes of squatting

Look at how bright I was by the time I was squatting!

After I was done with my Qigong practice, the kids and I got dressed and went to the park.  (They had been reading comics in the room while I practiced.)  We drove with their scooters.  I was surprised to see so many folks at the park at 9:30 on a Saturday morning.  (Clearly, I could stand to get out more.)  We ran into Max, Eli and Lucy and got to catch a glimpse of Giles (our old car).

The kids scooted and played on the playground while I walked a couple of loops on the park paths.  I enjoyed watching the ducks and geese and hearing the splash of the fountain in the pond through the tunes on my iPod.  I forgot my phone so didn't have a watch or camera...which was completely okay.  I used my brain to process what I was seeing and to gauge time.  My Vibrams kept my feet and ramble feeling very fine.

Back in the car, I realized we didn't have enough time to go to the farmer's market if Sag was to eat breakfast and get to his swimming class on time.  I dropped them off and went to the market solo.  I enjoyed the bustle of the market in the cooler autumn air.  In addition to the usual meat and eggs, the patriarch of Vacchiano's Farm sold me on beef short ribs.  I also picked up low-spray apple cider, a quart of new pickles and three bunches of fading chives.

By the time I got home, Cap decided to take Sag to class because I hadn't eaten yet.  When you're eating Paleo, breakfast can't be resolved with a quick bagel or doughnut pitstop.  So, grateful, I settled into preparing myself a pastured egg scramble with chives and bell pepper from the farm sautéed in olive oil made from Catalonian olives (a Fairway splurge that was so worth it!)

Aprés breakfast I enjoyed a steaming mug of black peach tea with wildflower honey.  Very satisfying.

A happy vernal equinox to you.  Sending wishes that you are finding deep balance on this most balanced of days.

Peace.

Equinox eve

This image is called Autumn Vibration.  Happy Autumnal Equinox.

I have popped a couple of sleep aid herbs.  Again.  It's been happening more and more often.  I felt a little bit like an addict when I asked Vinny if I could have another bottle of them this week.  They are not addictive in and of themselves...but I feel like I am not taking full responsibility for my actions knowing I can fall back on taking them on nights I feel I can't fall right asleep.

Or I could be rationalizing.

I feel a bit manic tonight.  But, I have had caffeine and sugar this evening.  It could be externally chemical.  I have felt out of control in various ways the last few weeks.  Something clicked for me today.  I did many things which should have made me feel happy.  But, they didn't.

A walk in the woods, shopping at Fairway (a foodie heaven) for the first time, watching two movies, spending the day with the whole family, lamb samosas, triple caramel chunk ice cream...  I was out of sync.  I appreciated all these things...but the appreciation barely nicked the surface of my feelings.

Which brings me to another thought: it's strange how functional I can appear when I am experiencing such disconnect.  To most, not to everyone.  The kids know something is up.  Their well being has been disintegrating this week and today they were both quite fragile.

Is this the rationalizing?

It doesn't matter.  And I don't mean to alarm anyone.  I have enough mental clarity and, hopefully, the wherewithal, to put some strategies into play.  I've asked Cap to help, though, his self-preservation instincts may kick in involuntarily.  I have been beastly to him this week.

Last week I went to bed earlier.  That helped me wake up earlier...but it didn't make me practice Qigong or get out to walk.

On deck:

• practice Qigong every day: 4 energy gates, Dragon's Way movements and squatting.

• no sugar, no grains, no dairy, no legumes, no vegetable oils (except olive oil).

• go outside/take a walk every day.  even if it's just around the block.

My energy, and hence my productivity, vitality and joy, are all down.  I don't know what happened, but, again, it doesn't matter.  I know there are things I can do, all for free, all at my fingertips, which will help.

Sleep will follow.  Mindful activity will follow.  I've been floundering.  It's time to walk a different path.

Peace.

P.S.  I'm thinking this will mean less time on the laptop.  Hopefully I won't stray too far or long from the blog.

The age of miracles

This shot looked so perfect on my phone yesterday, I was bummed Sag's hand is cut off there at the top.  You can see the kid has been watching some Olympics :-)

My energy and mood continue to hold up.  I have not had the wherewithal to take the kids to the pool in a few summers, no less the first half of this one.  (And this, despite buying passes year after year.) As I sat watching them, feeling the late afternoon August warm seeping into my skin, I could feel something had shifted.

I was grateful.

Not surprisingly, with more energy comes more getting to things that have been waiting-in-the-wings.  And this means less sitting in my chair reading and writing (or blogging, more accurately).

I did start a new book yesterday (it's a new one and cannot be renewed) and, get this, a few pages in, I felt the urge to practice Qigong.  I felt a bit stiff, put the book down, got up and practiced.  I felt better, sat back down and resumed reading.

These things seem both small and big.

Peace.

Jottings

• sleep is shifting thanks to the Chinese herbal sleep aid.  (not surprised) it hasn't slipped right into smooth sailing.  one night an epic cinematic suspenseful dream.  one night hot flash mid-sleep awakening followed by a too cold/have-to-pee mid-sleep awakening the next night.  (same climate control both nights.)  Olympic fever has made it hard to go to bed earlier, but I am definitely sleeping later and getting closer to eight hours a night.  also falling asleep quicker with much less mental thought spiraling.  I can literally feel the sleep deprivation-crazy ebbing from my system.  (a crazy I tend not to feel until it's way too late, or, I am in recovery/repair mode.)

• eating some non-Paleo and/or junky food: brown rice wraps, cheese, potato chips, ice cream, dark chocolate, yogurt, corn tortillas, coconut cream pie, Thai iced coffee...  it has been mostly very enjoyable.  the potato chips went into minus balance zone almost right away (yet I went for a second go around a couple of days later...cycle related salt/fat craving, methinks).  noticed quite distinctly that last night's Rita's "twist" of vanilla and chocolate frozen custard did not fill me substantially in any way.  I needed to eat shortly afterward to get some protein.  meal planned yesterday to eat Paleo this week.  we have a weekend away coming up and next weekend we go on holiday for a week in VA.

• experienced a definite mood drop this morning (after days dotted with bright energy).  spurred me to fill in smiley-neutral-sad faces in my calendar.  (Donna's idea...thank you to all my friends and supporters who have tossed ideas my way in the wake of this "d-word" crisis.)  I think this is a post-ovulation drop.  it helped to do something concrete, outside of my head, to deal with feeling emotionally down.  it also occurred to me to call someone and make a date today.  it definitely helps to be in the company of friends when feeling this way.

• but first, because I had meal planned a light breakfast for myself (Dragon's Way style nuts and fruit), once I unloaded the dishwasher and washed up/loaded the stuff in the sink and made breakfast for the kids (and rejoiced that Cap had organized a messy corner of the kitchen and ignored the bordering-on-filthy kitchen floor), I grabbed my homemade iced coffee and bowl of cantaloupe and practiced Qigong in the front room.  the shifts in sleep, food and routine triangulated, finally, so I could practice in the morning as I am wont to do.  (eventually I am hoping to practice first thing in the morning, early enough so the kids are still asleep.)

• beginning to plan for MA and VA.  want to make more headway in figuring out the exercise thing before we go away.

• am loving the inspiration of watching the Olympics: archery, volleyball, dressage, weightlifting...so many sports I know little to nothing about that I want to try now!

Whole30 food : : 30

Breakfast: pastured egg scramble with ground lamb (cooked up last night) and a dollop of garlic scape pesto.  Iced coffee to drink.

I am quietly stunned to realize 30 days have passed.  I haven't even finished reading the book.  As with so much else in this life, in retrospect, it went fast.

I slept poorly last night.  I tossed and turned for awhile, realized the room wasn't cooling and discovered a pile of stuff was partially blocking the air conditioner.  Got out of bed to wait out the cooling of the bedroom and read some more of Freedom.  Ended up catching about six hours of zzzs.  Woke up all sorts of tired, ache-y, puffy, grumpy and sad.

Yesterday I went back and read all of my Whole30 posts.  I was curious to see what I could see.

• I did not experience an increase in energy as I had hoped I might.

• my cooking repertoire did not expand as I had thought it might.  neither did my consumption of vegetables.

• I thought I'd feel more "accomplished".

• during the last week I have noticed external indications of decreased systemic inflammation: two different lumps I've had on my body (one for about ten years, the other for about twenty years) have both...receded.  they are gone.  also, mosquitoes still like to suck my blood, but not as much, and the bites have not swelled or itched anywhere near to the levels that I have experienced all my remembered life.  as in, the few mosquito bites I've gotten in the past few weeks have not only barely registered, but they have not bothered me at all.

• although issues with sleep, mood and lack of energy/fatigue have popped up and/or persisted, my mind has definitely been clearer.  I can certainly see clearer that the dual paths of hormones and auto-immune (and how they might intersect?) are worth further inquiry.

• there does seem to be a relationship between my reproductive hormonal cycle and the fatigue.  the second half of my cycle saw an increase in my fatigue with big spikes around ovulation and the start of my period (which reminded me of the tiredness I felt during the first trimester of both my pregnancies).

• my next push will be to move beyond "the food".  despite what feels somewhat like anemic achievement, I want to carry forth what I have learned about the food...to maintain the foundation of the Whole30.  to be clear that somewhat dashed hopes do not equal total loss.  I should be getting the lab results back tomorrow when I meet with my doctor.  I am seeing Vinny today.  it is time to integrate something "new".  add another layer.  hmm.  30 days of daily Qigong practice?

Peace.  (Kid wanting to use my laptop.)

And so it begins

Here I am again at the first day of the rest of my life.  A post by Gluten-Free Goddess resonated yesterday...I appreciated what she mused about time.

I've been eating sugar and not only grains, but gluten, like a lunatic.  To "party" before the change.  (Lunacy = continuing to party even though it makes you feel like crap.)

On the precipice, here I am:

• grouchy (just ask my suffering partner...he's the one that gets lashed with my acid tongue).

• mucousy.

• teary eyes (not from crying).

• fuzzy mind.

• during butt punches I could feel my butt getting warm from the outside yet felt no internal heat.  I'll call this: wall of non-feeling very impermeable.  in other words, energy channels are blocked and/or stagnant.  in other words, internal inflammation flourishing.

• weight: 164 lbs.  (the least of my problems, really, but the return of the pendulum is hard to ignore.)

Changes afoot:

• deleted my e-mail inbox from 800 to 700.  by end of week down to under 100?  10?

• good time for a tv break.  the kids and I are watching Next Food Network Star but most of my shows are on hiatus.  True Blood was kind of a dud last night.  but I may watch it for Tara.  Breaking Bad starts July 15.

• last day of Whole30 will be July 18.  so yes, quieting down the tv screen for the next 30 days.

• perhaps the computer screen will quiet down, too.

• pushing myself to practice Qigong and go outside every day, even if it is just for 20 minutes or a walk around the block.

• specific work for the family: create a new budget by July 1, continue declutter, plan out summer homeschooling.

• specific personal work: get started with highly sensitive reading and modules, push to really consider a knitting project.

Peace and love.

From this pocket of the universe

Last night I took an Aleve to manage a headache so I could fall asleep.  (Which I did at 2am bathed in the cool air duet provided by ceiling fan and air conditioner.)

This morning I woke with no aches or pains as the I had the previous morning.  I was joyful but then realized it might have been due to the Aleve still in my system.

In the hours since waking my wrists have been tickled with nerve-y signals.

My body is telling me to move on from this new baseline of no Qigong and no herbs.

: :    : :    : :

Clearing off the big table this morning of my piles.  Sigh.  Always with the piles.

This afternoon I have a mind to wash the kitchen floor.  The humidity is bringing out all its sticky qualities.

Some quiet, cool cleaning before our four-day week.

: :    : :    : :

Ditties bringing me into Summer...

 

: :    : :    : :

A welcome profile on a great basketball player.

: :    : :    : :

Peace and love.