Chanting Inner Peace

I thought Andy got a raw deal (this is project Runway talk).  In my opinion, Mondo should have won and Andy should have contended much more strongly for second.

I loved Andy's color story and found the music he set his show to a perfect match.  Energetic yet soothing, very mesmerizing paired with the clothes and styling.  (I think I am the one person who loved the head pieces as much as he did :-)

The Hollows

Ooh, here's one of my favorite mpPA songs.  Happy Hollows-een :-)

My mind was thinking hard on eggs any and all ways (scrambled! poached! over easy!) and bacon.  Feeling weaker in will with every thrum of desire I started talking out loud, not speaking in affirmations, but something along the lines of speaking affirmatively.  I "put one foot in front of the other" into the kitchen to toast walnuts and make tea.  I also had a Bosc pear from the farmer's market.

I felt better.  This week may be harder than last in terms of the food.  The proverbial honeymoon is over.  Cap is going to be away for a few days which also means I'll be fully back in charge of meal prep for the kids.

A slow Sunday morning.  They love this.  Sag came into the big bed in the early hours and was attached to my back for the rest of the night.  I've realized that I want to approach his continuing emotional intensity and pockets of acute anxiety differently.  I've been expansive and flexible, taking it in and adjusting as necessary moment-to-moment.  I've also given it a lot of slack, thinking it is related to developmental growth (the 9 year change is a major milestone in Waldorf pedagogy).  Sag will be turning 9 next month.

But, something has shifted for me.  It's been a few months.  The fear he experiences is real.  He's living hormonal surges on a regular basis that I'm guessing alters brain chemistry.  It's become clearer to me that he is suffering.  I'm devoting myself to his comfort.  To increase his sense of peace.  To quiet his mind.  (No small task.  The kid's afraid of death.  His own and those of the ones he loves.  But, but, but, this is part of growing up.  He is facing a significant cleaving from his early childhood.  It's natural to experience that as a death of sorts.  He is moving away from certain things as he moves towards others.  Whether he likes it or not. That is a hard lesson.)

This one is safely on the other side of that bridge.  He is now in teen-cusp and as comfortable in his own skin as ever.  (That's his beloved Hippo Pikachu The Hippo.)

For those of you celebrating, Happy Halloween :-)  Me, I have mixed feelings about this holiday, but that's for another post.  I'll leave you with this zombie professor and my other mister singing his Halloween song under a beautiful Florida sky two years ago.

Moving along

Today marks the end of the first week of practicing the Dragon's Way "set" of Qigong every day.  I have been practicing first thing upon waking.

As the initial big yet insubstantial blocks of resistance were pushed out of the way, I've noticed that this time of practice has become a time for me to think.  Imagine a Tetris-like board where, as little blocks of thought are thought, they are knocked off the board and the next blocks come tumbling down to occupy open space.

I've remembered Kelly's words of advice on how to be more meditative during #10.  Imagine the thought that comes to you as moving past you.  Bid it adieu.

During #10 today, I could feel the burn in my right arm.  I realized that it's probably from my use of the computer, specifically, the computer mouse.  I am right handed, so the right arm does get used more than the left generally.  I could feel more thoughts threatening, negatively, to glom onto the initial thought of discomfort.

So I boxed up the thought of discomfort and (oh am I really going to say it?) sent it packing :-)  For the next few minutes I "saw" my thoughts arrive to the left, bloom into center, and atop the conveyor belt move off stage right.  The thoughts quickly dissipated and what I then saw was different colors of light.  White, red, green.

And then the crashing piano chord told me it was all over (my current signal...I'll be moving further, into the next track, tomorrow).

I have long thought that meditating would be good for me.  I am wondering and hoping if I am beginning to cross a bridge into integrating more meditative time into my life via Qigong.

Also up for the coming week: getting back to taking morning walks, practicing #10 before going to bed and possibly making an appointment to see Vinny again.  He may be well enough to return to work.  I cannot begin to get my head around how much going cold turkey on his therapeutic presence has influenced my late Summer and Fall.

Small pleasures

My afternoon could have been about the pursuit of a reddish Kangol-style cap for Gem.  But, faced with an invite to play, he gave the whole costume business some deep thought and decided he could work with a red cap he already has.

So I dropped the kids off and found myself in one of those rare and wonderful situations.  Running errands solo!  I love it.  It feels very freeing being out and about myself getting things done.

First stop was the farmer's market (went for cider and pears and also picked up some greens and celeriac root):

Second was the post office (I have a huge pile of supplies to send to a high school friend and his troop in Afghanistan):

Third was the kind of stop that is rarer than rare.  A local boutique where I found what I needed, some winter cozies (my two beloved cashmere sweaters were enjoyed by critters over the summer) and it took all my Dragon-y strength to not try on and buy shoes.  All of it.  I'm happy I didn't, but ooh, there were a pair of ankle boots I was salivating over.  I stuck to the plan, happy I didn't have to drive out to Marshall's or T.J. Maxx, and leisurely tried on nearly a dozen sweaters.  I came away with a wonderful, drapey, soft sweater vest that I love (100% polyester moth bitches!) and a practical, vibrant, "teacher" sweater (the shop owner said it was popular with teachers and this former teacher could read between the lines---holds up well under the pressure of many, many, many washings :-) that will serve me well and brighten my cold winter mornings around the house:

Turning

I'm straddling a line with a smile.

On the one hand, I could be turning a corner in a maze.  Like a lab rat.

On the other, I could be turning in dance.  Like a dervish.

Last night's Ingudai Tibs and ginger shai were so so so tasty.  Sublime.  Nourishing.  And really, not too far off the Dragon's path.  Zombieland was just as fun the second time around.

This morning went off without a hitch.  Gem and I arrived just before the doors were unlocked to get our blood drawn.  We were second in a waiting room that soon filled to capacity.  As close to in and out as you can get in a doctor's office.

Today will include swimming for the kids, searching for a red beret for Gem's costume, and a Halloween party tonight.  The background will be a crisp and chilly and colorful late October day.

I picked this up last night when I saw these words on the back cover:

"...she has turned her attention in these poems to the solitary and difficult labors of the spirit---to accepting the truth about one's personal world, and to valuing the triumphs while transcending the failures of human relationships..."

Poems later would be nice.

Seasonal goodness

I sat back and watched, for the most part.  I could see in my mind's eye an old film.  I was carving under the Sacramento sun while the kids, half the ages they are now, with chubby cheeks, dancing about me in excitement.

Fist unconsciously squeezed shut against the cold winds blowing across the porch.  I asked him if he was cold and he answered, "a little, but I can handle it."

The expressions that cross over this kid's face.  He feels intensely.

This one was dubbed Cutekin.  I am moved by the hope shouting out from this creation.  The artist has been so easily stressed and frightened lately.

Can you see Pikachu?  Plans for a barfing pumpkin were nixed in the final minutes and Poke-love prevailed.

Roasting the seeds took me all the way back to Kindergarten or first grade.  Hanging out at Sarah Grant's house, clattering down the many wooden stairs, bursting into the warm kitchen for some freshly roasted pumpkin seeds.

I hope that you are enjoying some joys of the season, I do love this time of year.

Unwritten

Apparently this singer as nominated for a Grammy in 2007 for this song.  I had never heard of Natasha Bedingfield or this song, Unwritten, until my friend Mali shared it with me on Facebook as a song that makes her happy.

All signs should have pointed to my prompt dismissal of this song.  But, I love it.  It's one of those pop tunes that burrowed right to my brain to a sweet spot.  (A reason why I keep in mind to not cling too tightly to any "should"s.)

Another day

I'm feeling kind of boring.  My thoughts are skimming, fleeting...one person's ephemeral is another person's superficial, if only for lack of detail.

I have been finding it very hard to sustain concentrated attention on anything.  Unless I hyperfocus, like I did on knitting that shawl, or the Project Runway finale (spoiler alert: I was, perhaps unhealthily, bitterly disappointed...I considered throwing the remote at the tv.)

Physically, change is afoot and I am feeling it acutely at times.  Weird sensitive stuff like my toes burning, itchy and tickly, after clipping my toenails.  Or lying in bed trying to fall asleep and realizing that certain far off sounds were coming in super sharp and clear, way louder than they "should" have been.  Digestive stuff.  Reproductive stuff.

As I munch my toasted walnuts and sip my orange juice, as my evolving playlist plays, I sit here and wonder what today will bring.  Pumpkin carving, breathing a little deeper, forward motion.  The book about women and ADD?

He rocks

I highly recommend watching the interview Jon Stewart did with President Obama last night.  You can watch it here.  Jon is courageous and stays true to himself.  Barack holds his own.  He's a fast thinker, very open, and incredibly eloquent.

In other tv news, the original movie cast of The Sound of Music will be appearing on Oprah tomorrow.  I've set my dvr!

Hey now now

Day 4.  My favorite number.  Another dream with some tension but also a good friend holding my hand (it was you, Kelly :-)  Qigong went even "faster" today.  During #10 I noticed some pain/achiness in my arms but then felt heat in my hands.  My soul smiled in recognition and welcome.  This morning's batch of pine nuts looks and tastes different.  I started with a luscious Bosc pear from the CSA orchard (Boscs are my favorite), made a cup of hot Cold Prevention tea with honey (only about 6 bags left!) and toasted some pine nuts.  After about ten nuts I am sated.

What a difference four days makes.

Loving this tune, a playlist recommendation from Melissa.

Needles down

Happy to be finished.  It's beautiful, but didn't turn out quite as I thought it would, shape-wise.  The colors are vibrant and wonderful.  I ain't dwelling on it. 

Back to the Giants.  I'm taking a fond trip down memory lane cheering them on.  (I lived in San Francisco in '89-'90.)

Numbers

Just to clarify.

I don't put much weight in numbers (no pun intended!)  I'm more qualitative.  I don't own a scale big enough to weigh people.  (Food and fiber?  Yes.)

(The reason I know how much I weigh is because my mother has a scale and I weigh myself whenever I go to her place.)

Numbers can be useful.  Take this story, for instance.  I highly recommend it.  Here's another piece from the same site about portion size/control which relates nicely.

But, numbers can be tricky.  Rather, we can allow numbers to play tricks, in our minds. 

When I shared the number of pounds I weigh, it was to give some a better idea, a more complete picture of the physicality I'm talking about and dealing with these days.  Whatever the number is at any given time, I do not dwell on it, personally.  I also do not attribute any positive or negative quality to it.  A number, in this case, is just a number.

An attempt

With no apologies.  An attempt is an act.  It is a doing.

This dogwood tree has leaves that change color in particularly lovely shades.  Live, in the diffused light of a cloudy day, the orange is saturated with distinct gray tones which just send me.  That's me swooning in the kitchen as I look out and down upon these leaves.

I went outside to try to capture the leaves from underneath.  All yellow!

I trotted back upstairs determined to do my best through an open window.  Apparently, there's more light in the world than the naked I can see (food for thought :-)  My shots have the leaves looking much lighter than they appear to my eyes and brain.

I thought briefly that if I learned more about my camera/photography I could perhaps get the shot that I want.

But, then I thought a more appealing challenge would be to try to paint it.

Djinn

by Rae Armantrout

Haunted, they say, believing

the soft, shifty

dunes are made up

of false promises.

Many believe   

whatever happens   

is the other half

of a conversation.

Many whisper

white lies

to the dead.

"The boys are doing really well."

Some think

nothing is so

until it has been witnessed.

They believe

the bits are iffy;

the forces that bind them,

absolute.

Source: Poetry (June 2008).

A bit of light

Another night, another dream.  Some tension in the story, but no anxiety.  Adventure with a feminist flavor that began during a night and ended with the breaking of a new day.

Knit well into the night.  I could feel the pull of winter dark crowding in.  I may finish the shawl today.

Practicing Qigong was distinctly easier today.  I was less tight, more open.  Time did not bog down as much.  There was more flow.

I always forget about the release of water.  The prescribed foods for Dragon's Way all serve a function in the self-healing process.  One of the properties that some of the foods have is to help the body release excess water that the body is retaining unnecessarily.

For me, this step towards balance comes quickly.  Within the first 24 hours I start peeing this extra water out and the process continues for days.  I saw Tiina yesterday and she noticed right away that I looked as if I had lost weight.  I'm pretty sure that I probably had more pounds on me than when I had last seen her, about a month ago, but it is likely that I was retaining less water and therefore looked less puffy all around.

(Another interesting aside.  It is often my experience that people express surprise that I am overweight.  They could be skilled liars, but for the most part, I believe them in their perceptions.  I do "carry" my excess weight pretty well, and since I don't think of myself as "fat" in a negative way, I think I generally appear content.  But, the reality is that I am about 25 pounds over weight.  Maybe this will surprise some of you: I am 5'4" and weigh about 160-165lbs.)

One more thing before I go.  I've been thinking about the vision of a baloney sub dancing in my head.  I stripped it down to this: the act of eating is not the comfort I thought it was.  The act of eating something really delicious gives me pleasure.  Eating for comfort is comforting because I am attempting to increase my chances of experiencing pleasure.  In actuality, it's a gamble and more often than not I am left feeling worse because what I ate was not only sublime, but not even satisfying.

So, when I start thinking about food...fantasizing about it, really, part of it may just be me.  I have a pretty rich interior life.  But, part of it may be that in that moment my body is experiencing a chemical and/or emotional and/or energetic dip.  And as a direct result my brain gets and sends the message to up the pleasure.

Oh, one other one more thing.  I remembered while practicing this morning that there is a passage in Master's Lu Dragon's Way book about the importance of rest during the first weeks of Dragon's Way.  I've been feeling this need for rest, intuitively, but mostly as an afterthought.  I'm kind of wiped.

Dragging

Of heavy heart and light mind.

Driving to Donna's to pick up the CSA share I had visions of a baloney sub dancing in my head.  I don't even eat baloney subs when I am eating meat and gluten!

That's the light mind.

The heavy heart I won't go into.

Man, what is it with this weather.  It's 70º and humid on a late October evening.  Ugh.  Climate change is such a sign of the entropic chaos dance we're all doing.

There's a slice of heavy heart for you.

I want to crawl under the covers or knit.  But, instead, I am off to go pick up the boys at the museum.

I'm out

Taking the opportunity to head over to a friend's house for some connection.  Her boys and my boys connect, too, it works out well.

I need to uplift myself.

Put together a picnic basket of lunch stuff for the kids and me.  When I don't cook these types of Dragon's Way veggies for awhile, I forget how easy it is.  In my mind it becomes this overwhelming task.  I don't get it.

This is a garlic, ginger, zucchini, plum tomato, water chestnut stir fry.  Sautéed in safflower oil, seasoned with salt, sugar and red pepper flakes.  It smelled so good cooking up.  No feelings of deprivation here (though definitely some hunger as I catch up to various adjustments of timing, calories, etc.)

Morning again

toasted walnuts with honey and hot tea. and a Pokemon card.

Vivid dreams of narrowly escaped disaster involving driving cars on icy roads in bright sunlight.

Had some Daily Show laughs before going to bed while knitting somewhat intensely on Azzu's Shawl.

Felt like crap upon waking.

Succeeded again in not opening Firefox and going straight to Master Lu in iTunes (these small successes mean a lot in these early days).

How is it that 30 minutes of gentle energy exercises can feel so mountainous?  Is the heaviness, so leaden, all in the head?

I was oozing sweat by the end (not dripping...as if channels are tight and overstuffed) and have noticed that #9, which I have historically hated, has been embraced with a new connective fervor this time around.

#10 is still a big pain in my psychic ass though.

One bowl

By the time noon rolled around I was definitely hungry.  Which was interesting because:

• I rarely feel hungry

• I ate dinner very late last night (another rare occurrence and no doubt a factor in my active dreaming)

I actually pulled the eggs out of the fridge thinking of quick protein.  It's my go to and I was willing to forgive myself and not stress.  But, I forced myself to slow down a bit.  I pulled out my garlic press from the drawer (how I love my garlic press) and pulled off three cloves from the large head on the counter.  I retrieved the scallions and safflower oil from the fridge.  The ginger joined the garlic on the cutting board.

I had some baby spinach in the crisper waiting for just this moment, apparently.  Everything went into the pot with some coconut aminos and a dash of red pepper flakes.

I washed and dried my favorite bowl which I am beginning to think of as my "one bowl" (still have to read the book!)  The aroma wafting out and around the pot held my attention and focus.  I put away the eggs and decided to save the water chestnuts and bamboo shoots for later.

I plated and ate.

One meal at a time.  One bowl at a time.

Now to go sip some tea with honey and rebuff the chocolate littering the computer desk.

Morning

I forgot to set my alarm last night.  (I'm okay with that.)

Right before I woke up I dreamt that I was first in line in the office of one of the local schools, waiting to express interest/intent in enrolling the kids.  There was some mild hubbub and anxiety involved about protocol.  And my lack of understanding of said protocol.  Inner calm ultimately prevailed and the last thing I remember seeing is glorious autumn maple trees as I exited the building.

I heard the recycling tumbling into the truck signaling the arrival of Monday morning.

I did not open Firefox!  Went straight to iTunes and Master Lu's voice and piano stylings.  I practiced the whole set of 10.

(Questions for Kelly about #9: fists tight throughout or just when exhaling?  tailbone tucked in our let out while exhaling?  what to do with pelvic floor during exhale - flexed/tightened or relaxed?)

I sweat a bit, definitely warmed up, my mind wandered a bit...but not too far.  No one else was up, which definitely helped my concentration.

I don't know if anyone else can see a difference, but I feel better already.  Pink, warm, grounded, happy.

Today's plans to go to a friend's house for a chocolate/fair trade workshop have been canceled due to illness at their house.  

In between working with the kids and doing some house work, I'll be listening to and tinkering with my "Keep Going" playlist (I've changed the name a few times and still don't love it).  And knitting some rows of Azzu's Shawl in the beautiful Taiyo ('sun' in Japanese) I picked up locally during Wendy's visit.

Off to eat some toasted pine nuts.  Have a wonder-full day.

Just sayin'

My Facebook friends have been coming through with some wonderful songs.  Just sayin'  :-)

Tell me a song that makes you happy.

The magic of music

A playlist.  Songs that will uplift and convert to energy.  I need this.

Please leave recommendations.

Peace and love.  And thank you in advance.

Fresh starts

There was a line in Mad Men the other night that went something like this: there is no such thing as a fresh start...life is constantly just going.  It really resonated with me.  It was a perfect line as part of the story (if you haven't seen this drama, I highly recommend it), but it was also one of those lines that reverberates right off the screen into real life.

There is a part of me, real and true, that loves a fresh start.

But, I know that sometimes my desire for a fresh start trips me up.  Ties me up.  Takes me out of the moment.

I can feel that as I look forward to Monday to "start" the rest of my life in terms of Qigong and food, that I am seeking that fresh start.  I am manufacturing it rather than simply being it.

Though I am not going to do the in between week of cutting out meat and dairy before going whole hog onto the DW food that is part of Dragon's Way, I am having a "last supper" tonight and will have poached eggs tomorrow morning.

I feel there may be some curiosity about what I'm eating tonight.  (I love you guys...)

The original plan to get Mexican from our local favorite place was nixed for a variety of reasons.  Sag is being included in this last supper as we are going to resume a no bringing in gluten policy Monday, as well.  He really wanted something with fries.  Cap was not wanting the dairy-full offerings of Habaneros.  I have actually been eating "out" a lot lately, what with Wendy visiting, going upstate last weekend, etc.  So I was feeling quite flexible.

We decided on a local Italian place.  Cap and Sag are having chicken tenders and fries.  I ordered the linguine with meatballs and onion rings.  And our tireless hunter-gatherer has tried in vain to get me some Ben and Jerry's Pistachio ice cream.  I am "settling" for B&J's Fresh Georgia Peach Willie Nelson's Country Peach Cobbler (another Ben and Jerry's flavor).

Enough about me and food.

Gem's been asking to go to Target for a few weeks so I took him this afternoon.  I picked up some supplies for the soldiers a friend from high school is leading in Afghanistan.  It's crazy that they don't have enough soap, toothpaste, razors, etc.

To calm down after that outing (I get really antsy after an hour in buildings/rooms without windows, whether it be Target or a museum) I enjoyed a quick and lovely knit.  I may have a new favorite yarn (Silk Garden Chunky).

Knitting again

Sorta.

Ball bands were broken and yarn was wound.  Patterns were pored over and some were printed.  Projects were cast on.  Projects were frogged.

It was eventful.

All parties are now resting.

  

This morning there is breakfast to be had, a farmer's market to be visited (apple cider and cider donuts!), and a swimming lesson to which kids must be transported.

Physical 3

Taste buds.  Mine are big.

My sensitivity, also big, encompasses my taste buds.  Those nerve endings light up big time.

So when I say I love food, I really really do.  Not all food, but what I love, I love big and deep.  I love flavor and I love richness.

Avocado.

Dark chocolate.

Chicken skin.

Pork butt.

Cheese.

Uni (sea urchin).

Liver (chopped/liverwurst).

Poached eggs with mayo on toast.

You get the picture.

It occurs to me that being a Dragon with my food and Qigong practice will help me eliminate the sugar-salt dependence I tend towards when I am in Qi depletion/imbalance mode.  The sugar-salt thing is sated by junk/take-out/processed foods, becomes a PMS symptom, and definitely tangles itself up in my overeating.

Julie's comment to my previous post has inspired me to expand on this thought: at some point down the road, or maybe now, from the outset, I know that I need to leave a window cracked open for the foods that I love.

One of the distinctions I am striving to make for myself in this process is being free/not being a slave.

The stormy need for sugar-salt, when it arises, feels like a prison.  Freeing myself of this, which has been possible in the past, would be a good thing.

Depriving myself of sublime food experiences for the rest of my life would be like enslaving part of who I am for a perceived greater good.  Yes, I want to break deep and old patterns of overeating.  But, a blanket obliteration of all foods which do not fall under the Dragon's Way would be heavy-handed and fatally flawed.

I already know that dairy, cheese, on the above list, is too tricky for me.  Once I have a bite, it is impossible for me to stop.  Part of it is its easy accessibility, physically and mentally.  Part of it is chemical, I think.  So I know that I need to cut that out completely until I am better equipped with the ability/capacity to stop after one bite or serving.

In all of this, I don't think there is only one answer, one solution.  All I know is what I am thinking and doing now.

So the next few days will be spent on preparation.  Monday I will begin Dragon's Way Level Two food and daily Qigong practice.  After six weeks of Dragon's Way (the prescribed amount of time) I will see what's what.

I may, at that point, decide to include poached eggs with mayo on toast one time a week.  Then, maybe, two weeks after that, dark chocolate once a week.

I am anticipating that during and after six to eight weeks of Qigong and eating for healing, that other strands will begin falling in line/coming together.  That I will be sleeping better, that I will be taking walks, that my mind, body and soul will be more connected.  Pathways more open, Qi better flowing.

I do want to push myself, and have it make organic sense, to continue healing myself for the balance of a year, after the six to eight weeks.  I do not want to become a slave to the process.  But, I do want to be with the process for enough time that my overall goal of improving my health and decluttering my internal body can take deep root.

If it's in the cards, I want to live and live and live.  I want to spread all the love and joy and peace that I can.  Currently, I am bogged down by my physical self to the point that it is interfering with my metaphysical being.  There is imbalance.

It feels counter-intuitive and challenging to step off the dreamy clouds I normally nimbly navigate in order to be concrete and daily ground grounded and mundane.  I must let go of my ego.  Time for some humility.  I have to admit to myself that I am not above what I am saying I need and want to do, in order to move forward.

I need to participate enough in my own physical realm to make it work for and with me.

Physical 2

The d-word.  Discipline.  The word is simply not in my life lexicon.

But, routines, habits, patterns, those can all be found.  So with some planning, new habits can be aimed for.

And feeling good, that always works.  So if I can push through the first few weeks of hard work, the neural pathways towards new patterns can be established and then positively reinforced with endorphins and strong currents of Qi.

My goal is to commit a year to reset my system:

• Dragon's Way Level Two food (nuts, veggies, fruit, fish, rice/barley, egg whites)

• practice Qigong every day...all 10 movements in the Dragon's Way set (Qigong before any screen time)

There are, as I stated in Part 1, many strands. 

Getting out into fresh air, walking, sleeping, being a homebody, being an avid consumer of culture, popular and otherwise (books, blogs, tv, movies, music, Facebook)...lots of layers come to mind.  Being off Chinese herbs and going without Vinny treatment for three months and counting.  Full-time parenting and homeschooling two growing boys and feeling more of a learning curve there lately.  Fending off the fatigue that comes with thinking about being on a hamster wheel.

Hit pause.

The whole hamster wheel thing begins to veer into territory better left alone for now.  That touches on my mind.  And as wonderful a place as my mind can be, it also tends to reign supreme.  It is too overwhelming to think about if and how I can change my mind, how I think about things, how I am.  There's also the question of should: the wisdom and the folly.

For now, the Qigong and food are big pieces that will require much concentration of time and attention.  The challenge is for me to turn my mind off enough to just be with the process.  Like with my recent knitting experience.  But bigger. 

My ADDishness is a nuisance when considering this undertaking.  Cap has agreed to take on more of the cooking duties for a month so that I won't have to deal with making two sets of meals three times a day.  Just anticipating only having to concern myself with my own food opens up my mind and heart to possibility.  Chips away at dread.

Physical

A few days ago, while Wendy was still here and I talked to her about some of what has been on mind re: the physical, it seemed so much clearer.  A head cold does intrude.

I could start with now, I could start with a long, long time ago.

A thought I had last night while lying awake and wanting to be falling asleep: for most of my life I have either thought I was overweight (and wasn't at all) or have been overweight without giving it much thought/fully realizing it (being surprised at my appearance in photos, a season returning and not being able to fit into its clothes).

My weight gains and weight losses have never been by design.  In our society weight gain is rarely by design.  But weight loss usually is.  The three times in my adult life that I have lost overage in my body mass have been due to:

• change in diet/culture: the year I lived alone in Japan right after college.

• illness brought on by stress: the year I had gastritis and was put on medication and the BRAT (banana, rice, apple sauce, toast) diet.

• continual unconscious massive calorie burning: the third year Sag and I nursed.

Turning my attention to the physical is not all about my experience of being overweight.  And yet it dominates.  A lot of strands come together.  Because of my age, my eagerness and excitement over redefining the second half of my life, I have been thinking about the internal physical aspects of being overweight.

I am overweight because I eat too much.  And I am sedentary.  The whys seem less and less crucial to figure out as I age (comfort eating, emotional issues, love of eating, compulsive about eating but not about exercising...) 

It would, simply, be better for my physical comfort and controllable longevity to lose some excess weight.

Not to 'look' better, but to give my internal organs, and myself and my kids, more time.

Michael Pollan comes to mind: "Eat food. Not too much. Mostly plants."

Dragon's Way and Qigong comes to mind.

Daily gentle walking comes to mind.  (In the woods?  Bonus points.)

Why is it so hard to connect the part of my mind that thinks of these strategies to the part that executes my behavior?

Kiddus interruptus.  More later.

Orange

I do love orange.  Though this morning it is barely making a dent.  My body is on the precipice of succumbing to a cold.  (Teetering on undeniability/denial.)

There is a companion piece to "Metaphysical" called "Physical" in the works.  Maybe I'll labor it out in the next few days.

Peace, love, and catharsis to you.

Metaphysical

There is change.  All the time.  But there are recurring themes.  And moments when some thing pings back to you, be it a few seconds later or a few decades later, and it is infused with new meaning.  Time and awareness diving and swimming about in metaphysics.

A wonderful discovery.  Farmer John, our organic CSA farmer, sells pumpkins at the farmer's market.  And they cost a fraction of what we have paid in years past at "pumpkin patches".

Met a friend this morning at my favorite place "out" to meet friends.  A constant that is not static.

Tree and sky.  A combination I will never tire of.  That renews me every time I take a moment to look.  Never exactly the same way twice.

Working on a project for Shannon, whose birthday was in September.  Some tangerine stash yarn called to me and began it all.  The process forces encourages me to be with it rather than to be myself.  This is something I resist big time.  I like easy going.  I am a manatee.  Discipline?  Hard work with no clear end/known result/kindred spirit beside me?  Yuck. 

But, I am at a point in my knitting where the easy is boring and the truth is an itch that needs to be scratched: my creative and intellectual potentials are no longer being met by knitting yet another garter stitch scarf if that's not what the yarn is wanting.

Since yesterday morning: I've knit garter, I've knit stockinette, I found a pattern, I discarded said pattern, I started with straight needles, I switched to circular needles, I started with size 10s, moved down to size 8s, moved up to size 13s.  The yarn is off the needles and rewound.  I will persevere.

Finally, this song.

I went through a CSNY phase in high school.  I have always loved harmony and still do.  Singing in harmony is high on my list of things to do/experience.  Helplessly Hoping was never a favorite, though I remember finding the repeating verse (I guess it's technically the chorus) romantic and wonderfully phrased: they are one person, they are two alone, they are three together, they are for each other.

I recently re-listened to some CSNY for the first time in a long time and was surprised (and not surprised) to find myself drawn to this song.

Here at the right time

"But my love for you was always sure,
The bucket was broken,
But the water was pure..."

JETeye

The current photo, 'dew drops', adorning my blog header was taken by my close friend, Jamie.  You can follow her photographic journey over at her blog JETeye.  Jamie is very open about her process and I find many of her photos inspiring.

Thank you for the use of your photo, Jame.

Rhinebeck yarn

I came in well below budget.  I made some rookie mistakes this trip.  (I did not see all the yarn there was to see.)  I came away with two skeins of yarn.  I love them for different reasons.

pretty, pretty.

Skein on top: Hope Spinnery Wind-Spun Yarn (how cool is that?)  100% Island Organic Wool.  Purple Twist (naturally dyed).

Skein on bottom: Blue Moon Fiber Arts Socks That Rock (my very first skein of this rockstar of a yarn in the sock knitting community, made in the Pacific Northwest of the USA).  100% Superwash Merino-lightweight.  Slayer (Buffy!).

Last night

Tonight was our last night together this visit.  Cap cooked up salmon, mashed potatoes, corn bread and veggies.  After dinner I doled out some Pokemon loot from the comic book store.  The kids spent well over an hour opening, sorting, and trading cards.

Last nights...inevitably bittersweet.

Amazing autumn

Farmer's market in town:

Sandy and Mike's cabin:

Rhinebeck (NYS Sheep and Wool Festival):

Glance

It was another one of those days.  I am so lucky.  Beauty is there for the seeing.

Out and in

Contour drawing at the art museum.

Hanging in the woods.

Calvin and Hobbes.

Pokemon theme song singing.