Ma(lady)

In lieu of what's in/on my mind which is: blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah...a pic I took today (the herb garden) and yesterday (me and the kids).

I got my period yesterday and it is forcing my hand: I must embrace irregularity and unpredictability one way or another.  The more joyful I am in the process, the better for me (and those around me).  

@#$%

I am allowing myself a day to feel this way.  To think about chowing down on a bag of potato chips or a slice or two of pizza.  To be borderline fetal.

Yesterday I was distracted by laundry folding and Shameless and became a cocoon.  Part of me resists all this inward-ing.  But it's pretty powerful.  I am dreaming up a storm and sleeping like a hibernating creature.

Peace and love.

Notes from our morning

A quick jot while the kitchen cools down. 

The boys and I spent a chunk of time at Kmart and Whole Paycheck.  I got myself one of those chairs that folds right up and goes in a sack you can sling over your shoulder.  I'm hoping that will get me to the pool more.  I bought pool passes to the town pool again this year and am determined to get there regularly.  Kmart did not come through on my main objective: a new Brita filter pitcher.  (What I really want is this, but we don't have the money or space for it right now.)

At Whole Paycheck, Sag waited very patiently for a turn with the cheese guy.  He had samples of smoked gouda and a new-to-him cheese, Amadeus.  He really liked the Amadeus so we got some of that and some d'Affinois which was on sale.  It was interesting watching him...I could completely understand the allure of cheese and appreciated the devotion in his process.  But, my own history with cheese, my passion for it...had been completely disconnected at the chemical/physical level.  I literally could leave it.  Had no interest in taking part.  And, unlike my experience with the chocolate on day 12, I did not feel a shred of loneliness being set apart from all those cheeses.

Wow.  I guess that's what they mean by rewiring the brain.

After loading up with stuff for dinner and beyond (it always goes beyond, especially at the big and shiny Whole Paycheck in a neighboring town), I treated myself to an iced Americano.  Zowee!  That is strong!  But, good...flavorful and hearty.  Taking baby sips.

The kitchen should be cooled down by now.  Off to clean out and reorganize the fridge and make some lunch.  Then, on to getting ready for common meal.

Peace.

Whole30 food : : 6

I walked into the kitchen hungry.  And a little sad.  "I just want a piece of toast...with butter."  It seemed so simple, just do it.  But this thing...commitment?...discipline? (qualities so unfamiliar to me) held me back.  Maybe it was my body communicating to my mind from a deep recess.  Just don't do it.

I was tired.  Which was a bummer.  The timing of my food and sleep last night was off.  There was a game of Carcassonne involved.  (We are teaching Cap how to play.)  I focused on the memory of the delicious little kiwi I enjoyed at 10pm.

My breakfast plates look comical.  A little sad, definitely simple.  I probably ate more blueberries than I needed (but they are hard to deny) and I was satisfied after one dog (with guac I did not photograph because it had an unattractive layer of oxidized brown on it).  (I discovered at dinner last night that hotdogs* dipped in guacamole is surprisingly satisfying and tasty.)

I guess it's always about one meal at a time.  Kind of like one day at a time.  Whether I like it or not (and I kind of don't), this portion of this story is shaping up to be one where addiction is showing up.  It's not like being addicted to heroin, but the denial and shame are insidious.

30 days, 30 days...my new mantra.

Peace.

*Hotdogs, even "natural" hotdogs without sugar, preservatives, nitrates, etc. are, of course, not a whole food.  They are providing me with convenient, emergency protein.  I am looking forward to building/having more energy to cook/prepare increasingly wholesome food, soon!  Meal planning is on the agenda today (I ate by the seat of my pants last week.)

Whole30 food : : 5

Day 5!  I am in much better spirits.  The break in the heat and humidity is playing a part, too.  Of that I am certain.  It's a dry 84º at the moment.  And there is a breeze.

Going off sugar, honey and maple syrup, I have found myself turning to fruit for sweetness.  As it turns out, the timing has been perfect.  We picked up our 10lbs. of local organic blueberries from our CSA this week and the local low spray fruit orchard had cherries for a second week in a row!  (She thought they'd only have enough for one week this year.)

I am noticing a difference in my satiation point.  On Wednesday, despite my gaseous distress, I scarfed down 3/4 of the container of dried apricots.  By yesterday, I knew I could survive on fruit other than apricots and was eating blueberries by the handful (and a well-timed pear).

This morning, I've had a few blueberries and a few Bings and I am content.  It's still early in the day, but, WOW.  I kind of can't believe what a difference I am feeling.

Peace and love and summer fruit.

A book and a change

: :

Finished Rat Girl yesterday.  It started so slowly for me that I almost abandoned it.  I am glad I didn't.  You can check out my review via my Goodreads gadget along the right side of the blog.  (It's free to join and a great site...like Ravelry for readers.)

Also cool, I sent Kristin Hersh a tweet to thank her for another wonderful piece of art.  (There's a Twitter gadget on the right side of the blog, too, so you can see my latest tweets.)

On deck: Blue Has No South by Alex Epstein (recommended by Alex Chee via Twitter) or The Ticking Is The Bomb by Nick Flynn.  2012 has been about memoirs and short stories so far.

: :

Decided this morning in one of those quick-as-a-flash moments to stop illegally downloading music I borrow from the library.  Sag has been very patient with me...this has been a long time coming.  He has expressed his discomfort with my actions for a year or two.  Ever since he realized what I was doing.

I don't do this nearly as much anymore and I am as likely to buy a song on iTunes than wait to borrow a copy of the cd from the library.  But, I did it the other day, and today clarity finally hit me.

This is my next song purchase after I delete the cd from my iTunes:



 : :

Dentist this morning with Sag followed by time in the kitchen.  The chicken soup proved unwilling to make itself yesterday.  The kale salad, too.

However, the tub of dried apricots emptied with wild abandon.  Into my belly.

Peace and love.

Alchemy

Day 2 of sugar-, honey- and maple syrup-free.  And grain-free.  And legume-free.

I guess my body is missing the sugars from honey and maple syrup because for the first time in months, I am craving grains!  I am drinking coconut water, which is Paleo approved, though for purposes of balance I am making an effort not to exceed a can per day.

Coffee with what's left of the milk has helped fill the void of tea with honey and milk.

In addition to the improved sleep of last night, I can feel that at 8pm, I am much more alert than I usually am this time of night.  I also feel lighter...and like I can feel myself in my body.  That I can feel my body as a distinct entity...that my Self is not just a blobby consciousness floating around in the air.  This is not a usual feeling for me.

But, I am also hungry despite having had 2 eggs scrambled in the last of the grass-fed butter, a serving of Rogan Josh (lamb stew) and half an avocado for dinner about two hours ago.

I am sipping some coconut water, but may have to eat something again.

As the dairy starts to dry up I am going to have to lean more on yummy veggie preparations to give my meals more variety...in flavor, texture and color.  However, I have not been planning and prepping for that.  Tomorrow, we head into the city to visit with Mitsi and then my Dad.  We have appointments with Vinny in the afternoon and then common meal at night.

Thursday some time will be devoted to recipe searching, veggie shopping and cooking.  Otherwise, I'm toast.  Pun intended.

Peace and love.

P.S.  I am having one of the easiest periods ever.

What soothes you

I am in a better mood at the moment.

Between energy lag due to multiple adjustments (something that doesn't come naturally or easily for me) and a touch of PMS, I was tipping towards grumpy yesterday.

I started drinking milky peach tea towards the end of our stay at my brother's and I have continued.  It's yummy and makes me feel good.  Yesterday, I found a random bag of peach oolong in my tea basket and asked Donna to pick me up some whole milk (WTF WF no organic whole milk smaller than a gallon?!) and I've been enjoying lovely cuppas of milky peach tea with honey.

The caffeine did keep me up for a bit last night, but I still slept well enough that I got up out of bed of my own volition just before 7am.  Becoming slightly obsessive about holiday cards kept me from going to bed early as I'd planned, too.

Here's a shot of Cap and me from our photo shoot last night.  I like the overexposed effect on his face...which you won't see on the holiday card.

Last night, I "cooked" for the kids, but had take out with Cap.  I'd been wanting Chinese food for weeks.  General Gau's Chicken, specifically.  But, I know what lies beneath the gooey yumminess which is the sauce and had a feeling my body would not experience what my mind was.  

(Case in point, yesterday afternoon, in a moment of slight desperation, I cut myself a slice of my mom's tamagoyaki knowing it had sugar in it.  Popped it into my mouth and gasped because it tasted so unlike what I thought it was going to taste like.  The sugar was almost metallic tasting.  It was astounding and overwhelming.  I didn't finish it.)

I ordered beef with Chinese eggplant in spicy garlic sauce.  It was so delicious and warming.  It felt like the first "whole" meal I was having in a long time.  I ate heartily.  And was nourished.

(I weighed myself this morning, out of curiosity.  As I noted yesterday, I observed myself bloating for the better of the week.  Though I stuck to sugar-free and grain-free, I was not eating as well as I do at home and I was increasingly sleep deprived and stressed.  Turned out, I'd lost a pound since last weighing myself.)

My hope for the next few days is not to succumb to feeling overwhelmed.  To take each moment as it comes, to strive to find the essence of each moment and live it.  With as much joy and peace as I can, while allowing for all energies.

I see Vinny this afternoon, which I am very much looking forward to.

Love and light, and a cup or plate of something that nourishes you.

Stomach

Hmm.  My structures are falling apart and my stomach is involved.

Sunday, the day of Comic Con, I had a Dragon-y breakfast...I don't remember exactly what, but it was most likely a handful of toasted walnuts.

I brought some cashews and an apple with me for lunch.  But, I only ate maybe three cashews.  No apple, nothing to drink.

In between, there was an hour's drive to Queens, an hour of subway and walking to the conference center in Manhattan, five and a half hours in the conference center, and an hour of walking and subway back to Lisa and Takai's.

So, I held it together, but wise food/eating choices did fall by the wayside.

By the time I was collapsing onto my sister-in-law's couch, I wasn't even hungry.  But, I knew I should eat.  Tortilla chips, salsa, hummus, crackers and cheese were on the table.  I ate my apple and had some cheese.  I wanted protein, but beans have been giving me digestive problems, so although I had cut out cheese with Dragon's Way starting, I went for it.

For dinner I had one piece of beef short rib, a bite of roasted chicken and a pile of string beans with mushrooms (those mushrooms sang on my taste buds).  For dessert I had half a Mutsu apple (I stared down the GFCF apple pie Cap made, but I truly felt nothing...not even the tiniest stirring of craving...so weird!)

Monday I was a wet noodle.  A wet noodle who was craving protein so strongly that she ate four eggs (across two meals).  I also had a stomach ache so acute in the late afternoon that it was hard to walk/stand.  And I ended up skipping Dragon's Way class, reluctantly.

The protein craving continued today.  As did the swinging of utterly foul mood which, sadly for him, kept manifesting as resentment and anger towards my partner.  (Reparations have been made and we've agreed a night out together, sans kids, before he leaves for the west coast again this weekend, would be great.)

As soon as I am finished with Dandelion Fire (which has been my oasis today), I am going to move onto the third section of Women Food and God, entitled Food.  My emotional stuff seems rooted in deep and overwhelming feelings of rejection.  Old and mysterious stuff which is not real in the here and now, yet has been coloring my last 48 hours with the intensity of Sharpies.

I fried up some kielbasy for the kids this afternoon.  Daniel was over and he loves the stuff, too.  Well, something snapped...or let go...and despite not eating meat this week (this week being as of yesterday), scarfed down five or six pieces.  They were yummy, warm and oh, so very satisfying.  (This was within an hour of making and eating some spiced roasted nuts...the protein craving has been intense!)

Soon after, my stomach started to hurt again.  And I just didn't feel well. 

Even an hour later, while putting the kids dinner together (which Cap had prepped), I felt "green".

I knew things were haywire when Sag asked for a side of meat sauce (leftover from his dinner last night) and after I spooned some into his bowl, I scooped a spoonful of the sauce for myself before putting it away.  It tasted so good I thought I'd have some for dinner on my Paleo bread.

By the time my bread was toasted, my desire for the sauce had passed, no doubt by the new tightening around my stomach (from the spoonful I'd just had).  I had eggs instead.

There are some meridian spots running up the outside of my right thigh that are angry.  Last night in bed, I felt a piercing pain about 3/4 of the way up, nearly at my hip bone.  In the dark, I could feel a painful bump and couldn't tell if it was a nodule or a bug bite.  I had Cap come see and he confirmed it was not an insect bite.  He could feel it, but could not see it.  No redness (on the outside anyway).

I am curious as to whether it's a stomach spot or not.  I see Vinny tomorrow...I hope I remember to ask him.

(By the way, the meat is not the cause of my stomach woes.  I have been eating meat with no problems for months.  By doing Dragon's Way, I am in a process of healing which is likely highlighting a problem spot: my stomach.  And, it may not literally be my stomach, but something going on, or not, in my stomach "system".  I tell you, I love this Traditional Chinese Medicine stuff.)

You know, as clearly as my stomach/stomach system needs attention, it isn't helpful to see it as the starting point for whatever is going on right now.  Life, and living, is one continual process.  Why I am experiencing what I am experiencing...there is not just one reason.  Trying to single out a reason, I honestly believe, is pointless.

What is more helpful and productive, is to be present with whatever is happening, as uncomfortable as that may be, and move forward from there.  (For me, the discomfort is both physical, like my stomach aches, but also, emotional/psychic, dealing with shame and self-criticism.)  So today, I rested.  I allowed my book to transport me.  I am continuing on in my quest to build up more and more Qi.

The latest twists in my journey (especially going sugar- and grain-free) have seen a leveling off of some of the more "crazy" highs and lows that I have experienced since adolescence.  And as good as I have been feeling, I do miss those crazy highs sometimes.

The last 48 hours have brought back some of the crazy lows.  Nothing sustained...but very raw patches nonetheless.  It doesn't have to mean anything...it just sucks...and is.

What I like about Women Food and God (and working with Vinny, and being in relationship with Cap, the kids, and my family and friends...) is that I gain glimpses of understanding by being with it/them.  Knowledge that breeds compassion...qualitatively different from analysis...though I cannot explain this any better at the moment.

As I get to know myself better, much layers itself intuitively.  I can't necessarily articulate it.  Maybe that is because I am more in the sapped column of Qi right now.  I can feel the pendulum swinging back up.  And my face relaxes into a smile for the first time in awhile.

Soothe

We are all feeling the change-of-season chaos...in mostly small and subtle ways.  Tired, but not getting sick, rough around the edges, but not falling apart, melancholy, but not depressed.  All of it momentary, not overwhelming.

I am doing a lot of soothing and being soothed.

Made my first ever pot roast.  Wow.  The epitome of comfort food.  I have fond memories of my mom's pot roast.  I'm not really sure why I never thought to make one before.  (This was not her recipe, but from The Primal Blueprint Cookbook.)  The kids loved it.  Gem's words after taking his first bite?  "It's magic."  (Too busy savoring to take a photo the first night.)

Cap needed a photo taken for professional use.  I am flattered he asked me.  (I am also his longtime barber :-)  For anyone who knows him, you'll be looking up in the sky for flying pigs because not only is he smiling in a photograph, but he decided to send this along to the conference folks who needed his pic!  I love it.  I love him.

If I had a photo of Vinny, it would be in this post, too.  Cap takes care of me day-to-day (he has been faithfully working on my rock hard shoulders for well over a week now) and Vinny takes care of me once a week.  

After the kids and I returned home from our Vinny sessions, I could have fallen asleep.  But, I couldn't.  I realized I was feeling a bit blue.  Then I realized I was starting to think about...mind-crave, things like Chinese food and ice cream.

It is fascinating and amazing to be in a place where I can take a step back when my mind starts to draw these fantastical pictures of what I supposedly want.  My emotions no longer become enmeshed like they did for years and years.  My pulse remains steady, my brain stays calm...my mind not only returns to my body, but it brings with it fresh input.

And so, almost as if in a trance, I walked into the kitchen, warmed some eggs, pulled out the almond meal and coconut flour and golden flaxseed meal...and baked a loaf of Paleo Bread.

I hope you are finding ways to be soothed and to soothe during this naturally chaotic time.

Peace and love.

Cusp

I am eagerly awaiting the change of weather due to come today/tonight.  It has been so humid for about a week.  Temps have been lower, in the 70s and 80s, but still truly not my kind of weather.

This is a quickie.

My body has been craving sleep, but I haven't managed to get into bed "early" (10pm for me these days...past me would often be asleep by 10!) for various reasons.  Last night, I got sucked into the movie Conviction.  I haven't seen a movie in awhile and so was happy about that.  And, it was an engrossing story, well acted.  And, Sam Rockwell.

Made Chili For A Crowd for common meal and it was a hit.  This is a great recipe that I have never followed exactly (I always use ground turkey and sake, for example.  And I always add my Donna touch, a dash of cinnamon, as well as, a bit of honey.  Oh, and I skip the olives, too.)  The combination of spices and herbs are unusual and terrific.  The ingredient list is long, but it's actually a straightforward recipe that is not difficult to execute.  I always make it the day before, it tastes amazing after having time to meld.

Off to try to get out from under my cloak of blah.  Breakfast, working with the kids, and then the art museum for a homeschool class.  Late start!

Another update

We hosted a small common meal tonight and when Cap's chocolate chip cookies were being served up,

I really wanted one.  Look at these beauts!  I thought about having one, but more than wanting to eat it, I wanted to continue with this time of grain- and sugar-free.

So, I decided to add some luxe to my melon and berries (also on tonight's menu, both fruits local and organic) with a dollop of Valley Shepherd ewegurt (scroll down the link) and a drizzle of Pennsylvania maple syrup.

And I was content.

Wild.

It is not uncommon when eliminating system offending foods from one's diet, to discover secondary culprits.  After a few days of feeling soundly good, I am having some "tired" and "foggy" reactions again.  I think it might be dairy.

Last night, after a lovely Indian dinner with Elizabeth, I noticed it.  I felt it again this afternoon after eating my leftovers.  It happened again after dinner tonight (to a much lesser extent).  I called the restaurant I ate at last night and spoke to a lovely man who went over the ingredients of my lamb korma with me.  No flour or corn starch was used to thicken it up.

I rarely eat cream, I rarely eat lamb.  I am guessing that it was the cream that my gut didn't like.

Tonight, I had the ewegurt.  I already know that cow's milk yogurt doesn't feel good to me.  So far, I haven't had a problem with the sheep's milk yogurt, but, I think...I'm going to have to keep an eye out for reactions.

I've also noted that at this point, when eating at home (oftentimes alone), I am eating much less than what I would have considered my "normal".  Definitely doing more of a small meal/snack four to five times a day rather than three "square" meals.  But, when I am eating out or in a group, like tonight, I am eating more than I need or necessarily want.  It's hard to stop, or even think, when there is a plethora of delicious food at my fingertips.  Not to mention the wonderful distraction of conversing with good friends.

So, I keep on keepin' on.  I'm starting to think ahead to the five-plus hour road trip coming up on Monday and that I will need to prep some road food for myself.  Fun!  (Not sarcastic :-)

Pound progress

On Thursday or Friday last week, the day I was PMSing without knowing it, in a fit of craving something grain-y or sugary, I stepped on the scale thinking it might motivate me to stay strong.

I had lost two pounds.  It actually did help to see that.  (I am an instant gratification kinda gal.)

I can see and feel a difference in what I think of as "water" pounds.  Some of the veggies/fruit I've been eating are natural diuretics, but clearly, sleep deprivation, grains and sugar all act in a way to pack on the water.

I weighed myself today out of curiosity and discovered I've lost six pounds since starting my detox last Monday.  Exactly the amount of weight I'd put on since the beginning of the Summer.

Update

A pic of Sag in the world of Minecraft.  This game, still in beta, is the kids' latest obsession passion.

In other news, I made a green salad and a salad caprese (all ingredients bought in the morning at the farmer's market...we stopped to gaze at the queen bee at the honey stand, Sag got a glazed blueberry donut at Vacchiano Farms and Gem got some lemonade at The Bread Company) and Cap baked chocolate chip cookies and peanut butter cookies, and we broke bread with Danielle, Norb and their kids last night.

It was leisurely and lovely.  Danielle and Norb make quite the culinary team.  My favorite bite of the night was a curry-cranberry-carrot turkey burger of Danielle's own design grilled to perfection by Norb.  I've known Danielle since nursery school, I met Norb sophomore year of college on a visit out to Michigan where they went to school and met.  They met Cap for the first time...probably at their wedding, nearly twenty years ago, in D.C.

Now we've got a gaggle of boys between us and though times like last night are too rare, we are bonded by years and years of connection and true affection...and the incredible luck that plunked us down, of all places in the universe, within two blocks of each other in the Garden State.

In other news, we've been watching Little League on the telly.  Paramus, representing our current and fair state, plays today in the mid-Atlantic finals.  Their evening game was pushed up due to weather.  It has been raining steadily here since 2am, hopefully, they'll be able to play their game today safely (in CT).  The Little League World Series starts next week.

In other news, I started reading Women, Food and God, an interesting read.  Some things she talks about have resonated quite strongly with me, but there's something about her writing style that is clunky (is it her or her editor or both?)  I've had to re-read numerous sentences in order to understand what she was saying.  There is a distinct lack of organizational flow in the first part of the book which outlines, essentially, the "why".

I thought I was going to plunge into the second part of her book, the "hows", but another book has come in from the library, A.D. New Orleans After The Deluge, and I can feel my attention going that way...

In other news, my essentially grain-free, sugar-free eating continues.  I am having the occasional craving which seems quite connected to PMS-y hormonal surges/dips.  I've noticed that in non-home eating situations I am eating more than when I am at home.  And that, though, full (and gently poking myself to try to remember this feeling for the next time), I am not going into the spacey/foggy/lethargic food comas that had become so commonplace for me.

I find it very interesting that, like clockwork, I am no longer "hungry" for something to eat at 9:30/10:00pm in front of the tv.  Not surprisingly, more often than not, I am hungry within an hour of waking up in the morning.  (It really helps to feel physical hunger again, to discriminate between actual hunger and hunger of the psyche/soul.)

Yesterday, for the first time since I began, I felt good.  The balance has tipped so that I feel less achey, less tired, less irritable.  I have been tempted to ease grains and sugar back in, but have decided, for now, to wait until I have the next order of detox in place (the fourth one, practicing Qigong is not fully in force yet, either...): begin regular exercise.

I've decided to join the Y and just do it.  But, I can feel the resistance inside me.  The plan, now, is to join in September, after our week in Massachusetts and their week of sprucing up shut down.  I am going to try walking, swimming, the elliptical and zumba.  The climate control is critical.  But, but, but, but...I feel a strong anxiety about it, too.  A claustrophobic germophobic kind of thing.  Sigh.

For now, I will simply start walking.  Around the block, in the neighborhood, in the park.  Perhaps after a few weeks of walking I will feel ready to incorporate other ways to move my body into my habits.  Perhaps I will no longer feel the need to do anything else.

This morning, I had some matchsticks of Oktoberkase (Valley Shepherd Creamery at the farmer's market) and cherry tomatoes from our farm share.  I've been savoring the tomatoes this season.  They have been delectable.  And they pair so well with cheese!  And tender leaves of lettuce.  I have not missed the bread at all.  Though I marvel at the convenience of pre-made, pre-sliced store-bought bread with new awareness every time I toast some for the boys...

Slowing down and simplifying...at times I can feel the strain on the seemingly hard-wired parts of my brain.  I can understand how bringing meditation into the picture could ease this strain.  Sleep is the best meditation...and for me, the next best thing, my dreaded Dragon Standing Between Heaven and Earth, needs to come next.

Peace and love to you.

Hello in there

I forgot to tell you I was going away for the weekend. 

We spent a lovely few days with my mother-in-law...a woman who I admire greatly under normal conditions, who has blown my mind this year as she has recovered from a life-altering and physically debilitating health condition.  It was really good to see her.

We also met Jamie's new kitty, Maya, and spent the afternoon at her place on Sunday.

We also saw Karen and her crew Friday evening for play and dinner.

We also met a distant cousin who has been living in Massachusetts as an au pair.  She returns to Finland this weekend.

We also took a sauna in my father-in-law's homemade one.

We also set foot in a mall for the first time in forever as a trio.  New bathing suits were needed and Gem picked up some Warriors books.

My jet lag is nearly gone.  Moving on, moving on.

This morning my eyes landed on this pale purple beauty and my body responded strongly.  I crushed three large cloves into a dollop of coconut oil...once the garlic softened I added two pastured eggs and gently scrambled...dash of sea salt, a couple of grinds of black pepper, and breakfast was good to go.

Wishing you love  and peace...

From the kitchen

Here's the nikujaga recipe for Kelly (and maybe Jamie? :-) and anyone else who might want to give it a try. It should get big enough to read if you click on it. If not, message me and I'll send you the recipe via e-mail.  The recipe comes from a book I bought when living in Cambridge, at the Japanese bookstore that used to be in Porter Square (not sure if it's still there): Stone Soup Easy Japanese Home Cooking edited by Setsuko Watanabe, published by Kodansha.  It's a nifty bilingual cookbook.

And here are some shots of the birthday cake I made for Cap yesterday.  A yellow layer cake with lingonberry jam filling and coconut frosting.  GFCF, of course.

It was lovely.  I had a slice for breakfast (I think it was even better this morning). 

For the cake, I used Bette Hagman's Featherlight Yellow Cake recipe, our old standby.  However, I used superfine white rice flour this time and the texture of the cake was changed (and in my opinion, improved) significantly.  The result was more refined...more like a sponge cake.  Very smooth, the cake nearly melts in your mouth.  

The lingonberry jam is a seasonal favorite, it definitely has a 'Nordic winter' feel for me.  It also provides a bit of 'summer in winter' for the palate/table, which I have been craving these days.

I tried a new frosting, Coconut Cream Frosting from Elana's Pantry, and found it to be tasty and a perfect match for this cake.  Cap likes coconut and I was happy to find something to celebrate him fittingly.

This evening we have the Patriots game followed by the Golden Globes.  (I'll be rooting for Katey Sagal who is amazing as Gemma in Sons of Anarchy.  And, I'll be oohing and aahing and being snarky about dresses and the like :-)  For dinner I'm making a pot of soup with the last of the homemade chicken stock and corn bread in the cast iron skillet (there's no going back to a regular loaf pan for me when it comes to corn bread...thank you, Alton Brown!)

Anything interesting going in your kitchen lately?

Not so merrily down the stream

...of consciousness, that is.

I'm suffering from meat/dairy withdrawal (I made the family a roasted chicken for dinner...a glutton for punishment as much as a glutton for foods I love that are "bad" for me...)

I also appear to be experiencing some PMS.

{insert heavily sarcastic and/or expletive-filled commentary here}

Good news: our much postponed trip to Massachusetts is coalescing for the weekend.

Potentially bad news: there's a winter storm possibly brewing off the NJ-MA coast.

Off to bury my head in Sons of Anarchy Season 1 or Parks and Recreation Season 2.  Sons of Anarchy is probably not for everyone quite a bit more than Parks and Recreation.  I'd heard that the second season of Parks and Recreation was funny and have been watching the episodes on "Watch Instantly" via Netflix.  There are moments that rival 30 Rock, for sure.

Food for thought: I am mildly obsessing over Chanel no.19.  I used to wear it a loooong time ago when Marci gave me some in high school.  Next time I'm at a mall I'm going to give it a smell (problem is, I rarely go to malls).

Food for thought: Trying not to be bowled over by the thought of planning and saving for a trip to Peru next January.

Food for thought: How shall I celebrate my birthday?

Dopamine

I'd say Dopamine plays a role in my life. Love this kind of food for thought about brains.

Physical 3

Taste buds.  Mine are big.

My sensitivity, also big, encompasses my taste buds.  Those nerve endings light up big time.

So when I say I love food, I really really do.  Not all food, but what I love, I love big and deep.  I love flavor and I love richness.

Avocado.

Dark chocolate.

Chicken skin.

Pork butt.

Cheese.

Uni (sea urchin).

Liver (chopped/liverwurst).

Poached eggs with mayo on toast.

You get the picture.

It occurs to me that being a Dragon with my food and Qigong practice will help me eliminate the sugar-salt dependence I tend towards when I am in Qi depletion/imbalance mode.  The sugar-salt thing is sated by junk/take-out/processed foods, becomes a PMS symptom, and definitely tangles itself up in my overeating.

Julie's comment to my previous post has inspired me to expand on this thought: at some point down the road, or maybe now, from the outset, I know that I need to leave a window cracked open for the foods that I love.

One of the distinctions I am striving to make for myself in this process is being free/not being a slave.

The stormy need for sugar-salt, when it arises, feels like a prison.  Freeing myself of this, which has been possible in the past, would be a good thing.

Depriving myself of sublime food experiences for the rest of my life would be like enslaving part of who I am for a perceived greater good.  Yes, I want to break deep and old patterns of overeating.  But, a blanket obliteration of all foods which do not fall under the Dragon's Way would be heavy-handed and fatally flawed.

I already know that dairy, cheese, on the above list, is too tricky for me.  Once I have a bite, it is impossible for me to stop.  Part of it is its easy accessibility, physically and mentally.  Part of it is chemical, I think.  So I know that I need to cut that out completely until I am better equipped with the ability/capacity to stop after one bite or serving.

In all of this, I don't think there is only one answer, one solution.  All I know is what I am thinking and doing now.

So the next few days will be spent on preparation.  Monday I will begin Dragon's Way Level Two food and daily Qigong practice.  After six weeks of Dragon's Way (the prescribed amount of time) I will see what's what.

I may, at that point, decide to include poached eggs with mayo on toast one time a week.  Then, maybe, two weeks after that, dark chocolate once a week.

I am anticipating that during and after six to eight weeks of Qigong and eating for healing, that other strands will begin falling in line/coming together.  That I will be sleeping better, that I will be taking walks, that my mind, body and soul will be more connected.  Pathways more open, Qi better flowing.

I do want to push myself, and have it make organic sense, to continue healing myself for the balance of a year, after the six to eight weeks.  I do not want to become a slave to the process.  But, I do want to be with the process for enough time that my overall goal of improving my health and decluttering my internal body can take deep root.

If it's in the cards, I want to live and live and live.  I want to spread all the love and joy and peace that I can.  Currently, I am bogged down by my physical self to the point that it is interfering with my metaphysical being.  There is imbalance.

It feels counter-intuitive and challenging to step off the dreamy clouds I normally nimbly navigate in order to be concrete and daily ground grounded and mundane.  I must let go of my ego.  Time for some humility.  I have to admit to myself that I am not above what I am saying I need and want to do, in order to move forward.

I need to participate enough in my own physical realm to make it work for and with me.

Oh

Just had a thought: lately, if I am bothered by someone (as opposed to something though if the something is making me all flustered then the thing would be considered, too), there is a pattern: I'm PMS-y...my system is experiencing some sort of hormonal surge or drop.

Because I am a female of a certain age (I'm assuming here...maybe it has more to do with the years long process of recalibrating I am undergoing), my PMS attacks are no longer happening a few days before my period.  Yesterday it was an ovulation spike (the lightbulb went on really bright as I was shoveling yet another handful of Glutino pretzels into my mouth...alternating the salt with squares of Divine choc).  I've also noticed in the last half year or so that I have emo waves as my period is ending, rather than before it comes.

The shifts of timing have thrown me off balance, but in a wonderful way, have opened my eyes.

What's helpful about this type of knowledge is that when I realize what's happening inside me, I can attempt to check myself.  Keep my trap shut and wait for it to pass because it will, it always does.  But, most of us menstruatin' women know that this is sometimes impossible.  It's part of the package, the wild powerful womanly craziness that is PMS.

This isn't to say that I completely ignore who/what is bothering me.  There is inevitably a hurt or frustration or confusion that is running below the surface.  Something worth excavating and either studied or tossed aside as useless detritus.

But, that urge to express and expunge, a primal need dictated by hormonal activity...it is by definition uncontrollable...by embracing it and knowing it, I can be with it a little better...hold it till the storm quiets.

Sand in my eyes

Last night I turned the tv off at 12:30ish.

(It is the annual time to dial back on the number of shows I record/watch...so much light, so little time to sit in the dark and stare at the colorful box.)

I went to check my e-mail one last time before shutting the computer down and ended up going to bed at near 2am.

Facebook is starting to bug me. They're changing things up and have removed the kid gloves. I've been streamlining my account for a few weeks now, and tinkered with it some more last night. I am considering deactivating my account altogether. It's becoming more and more challenging to maintain the level of privacy and control that I want over how my information is "shared" by them.

I'm not surprised. The internet can be wonderful, but in a capitalist society like ours, the "haves" are hell bent on making a buck and low on human goodness as a practice.

Completely changing the topic, the full moon has been wreaking a bit of havoc on my rhythm. I've been wanting and eating rich and sugary foods and eating more than Dragon portions/frequency.

I'm realizing that my ADDness has also spiked, seemingly concurrently. Interesting.

Also interesting is my growing awareness of how (bordering on highly) sensitive I am. It's hard not to wish sometimes that I could face natural and normal fluctuations of the lunar cycle, my reproductive cycle, the weather, etc. with less reaction, with less reverberations on my energy and my mood.

• Cutting back on tv.
• Going to bed earlier.

Keeping it simple, keeping it small, going with the flow.