Busy day coming up

Well, only two things were checked off of yesterday's list.  But, there was an impromptu lunch with Cap (the $10 lunch buffet at Mausam, their nan is baked on the premises and, oh, the butter nan is divine).  And, we were very close to one of the yarn shops in town so I popped in and found the "just right" yarn for Sag's hat.  And, our town being its righteous, delightful self, we found Finn's bully sticks "low odor" and "free range".

And this happened:

No more snack-sized ziplocs for my candied pecans!

Peace and love.

P.S.  I have added a third Christmas cookie to my list...

Doing the math

I read this short piece on The Necessary Art of Subtraction recently.  The wisdom/strategy is obvious and simple, yet easy to miss.

My tendency is to add...and see how the chips fall in terms of what gets subtracted.  I find it difficult to actively subtract.

Here is what I have added and subtracted in these days after Thanksgiving and before Winter Solstice:

+

• dosage of magnesium supplement (really helps my sleep)

• meditation (doing the 10-day free trial)

• Qigong

• setting an alarm to wake up

-

• cane sugar

• grains

• dairy

Decluttering, keeping up with household cleaning, and tightening up the household budget continue to be glaring areas of need.  What must I subtract in order to bring these aspects of responsibility into the fold of my present intention/attention?

(post-sauna selfie in Plympton.)

Peace and love.

When a door closes and a window opens

I've decided to draw this blog to a close and start a new one.  I haven't decided whether to change the name of the blog, or not, but the address will change.  This blog, at this web location, will be set to private rather than deleted.  If you want to be able to access it, you will have to do an extra step of login in order to see it.  I will also need to add the email addy you have associated with Google/Blogger to my list of members who can access the blog.  I will not be adding any posts to this blog after the "end date" which will be determined later.

Once the new blog gets going, I will let you know here.  The new blog will be public.  The new blog will not have identifying photos of the kids.  It will likely have much less detail about them, as well.  I'm not sure where or how I will share news of them and those irresistible "precious moments"...maybe Facebook, maybe Instagram, maybe a "family and friends" email newsletter (haha do not hold your breath on that one)...that aspect of things is not fleshed out...at all.

In addition to detaching my blogging from the kids to give them not only the privacy they are due, but also experiment with designing a more personal/individual space for me, I am looking to flex some old/new muscles of self-expression through the written word and the photo lens.  Less catching up and updating...more thought to creative and mindful sharing.  Less blip, more ripple.

There are some upcoming days (winter solstice, the new year, my birthday) that feel auspicious for launching a new venture...but knowing me, I may just start when the mood strikes.  Stay tuned.

Peace and love.

P.S.  I have learned, scouring my photo library of the last year, that I do not take photos of doors.

Grasshopper

Will this grasshopper ever learn? Last night I was starting to feel distinctly better virus-wise. But I felt heavy, bloated, and inflamed.

Over the weekend I'd had bouts of chemically-fueled anxiety...for want of a better way to put it. I'd be sitting there (usually quite literally, in my red chair) and, as if a switch was turned on, a circus would start to rehearse in the cavity of my chest. The swoops and somersaults of trapeze artists, the vibratory thumps and trumpets of elephants, the buzz and din of an excited throng...

I paused and experienced and it would inevitably pass in a few minutes.

I yelled at one of the kids over the weekend and generally had way less patience with them.

My decade-old eczema patch on my scalp flared up big time and was itchy, red and tender-to-the-touch...this weekend.

Yesterday, despite a lovely visit from an old friend of ours the day before which precipitated the putting on of clothes and  socializing and realizing that, indeed, the virus was on its way out, all I wanted to do (and did) was stay in my pajamas and curl into being as alone as I could.

Oh, and last night I had trouble falling asleep for the first time in weeks.

So, in retrospect, there would seem to have been some sort of significance to this weekend.

Last night the old voice(s) came out of the woodwork. Happily, I do not react and struggle anywhere near the levels I used to. But, the message inevitably gets transmitted: this is your fault, do something about it.

This is when I go into "shut it down" mode and begin to concoct "the plan". About going to the gym, about drasticating my diet, about practicing Qigong, etc.  About becoming blameless. About being the paragon I believe I never am.

There is nothing wrong with the impulse to want to transform, to improve self-care...but for me, there is something intrinsically Sisyphusian about having the impulse rear up during a moment of needing a "fix".  (Those pesky backslides.)

I interface better and more productively with ideas of self-care when I am not in the throes of what feels like a crisis in my heart, my brain, my central nervous system.

When I can get to the root of the old emotional stuff that comes up, oh, ONCE A MONTH (perimenopause is fickle and I am suddenly regular again), when I can feel out the edges and sharpen my tool, I can, and will, excise it and let it dissolve into the ether...or primordial ooze.

The old voices are important to recognize so they can be put in their place, at least, until they are dismissed forever.

PMS, get thee back into your corner.

Ad infinitum. I wonder if this process will continue up to the day I die. Or if some day I will achieve the next level of grasshopperdom and step off this particular hamster wheel (to mix my critter metaphors).

I made something yummy yesterday. Baked oatmeal, for the first time. My crazy brain was telling me late last night, as it was keeping me from sleep, that I should not eat this today because of inflammation and going Paleo in between all the celebrations coming up and the weight I'm gaining with all the hibernation eating I've been doing...

Well, I got my period this morning and I am feeling so much better, inside and out. The show's over, there's nothing left to see. 

(Except a shot of yummy.)

Peace.

Paring down to simple

I was pleased that we made it through the week without dipping into our savings account.  Yesterday, mostly because we had barely anything typically breakfast-y left in the fridge and pantry and partly because "daddy got paid", the kids and I went out for breakfast.  (Cap opted to catch a few more winks.)  I had some coffee with cream and a quintessential Garden State breakfast sammie: Taylor ham, scrambled egg, jack cheese on a buttermilk biscuit.  'Twas yummy.

The kids and I chewed on thoughts and ideas, as well as, food.  Sag shared some memories of preschool.  Gem recounted something he read recently about how children have friends of both genders till about age 3 and how after that, we humans tend to make friends of the same gender.  I did a mini-lesson on economics, comparing different activities/things we buy/do that cost the equivalent of what our breakfast tab was.

The depressive state of earlier in the week has given way to something hard to describe...I'll call it muddle-brained...with emotional spikes.  All chemical, all the current soup of perimenopause + the season.  All ephemeral...if not in the actual how it feels, certainly in its inevitable passing on.  I saw Vinny (after a brief break during which he traveled to the Grand Canyon for the first time) and that always helps.  He gave me some new herbs to hone in a tiny cough that has developed inside me.  I also picked up some vitamin D + fish oil and evening primrose + flaxseed oil.  Vitamin D and evening primrose are mood supporters.

It's hard not to think about the level of dismantling I am doing to my days as a devolution.  As regressive, as backwards.  The reality is that reality is very much shaped by perception.  Think about this linearly and I get one thing, think about it non-linearly and I get another.  Honestly, I am not thinking about it that much, at all.  (Which I actually think is a positive.)

I have noticed I am happier out of the apartment, possibly because the apartment is physically harder to be in than usual (the dust factor, which is fairly high already has been exponentialized by my system reacting to the seasonal mold outdoors, ironically).

On my mind:

• what will I read next?

• $10 lunch special with my sweetie

• The Oranges (which we watched last night and I have mixed feelings about)

• if you can believe it, knitting

• Qigong, walking, the Y, tap...I am at the nexus of "barely"

• the seeming black hole of budgeting/financial competence

• becoming more one with the Dragon as we head into the final two weeks of class

Peace and love and keeping it real and simple.

Library loot (and love)

I have very fond memories of lugging dozens of library books the half mile home, on foot (my mom probably did most of the heavy lifting in our trusty metal shopping cart), when I was a kid.  When I picture it in my mind, it is always the trip home, full of joyous anticipation and delight over treasures found.

We have a wonderful library in town, which is part of a fantastic consortium of libraries, which in turn, has given us access to just about any book/cd/dvd.  My recently re-raised consciousness about our finances has turned me away from my old-habits-die-hard habit of buying books.  

I love buying books.  I love the feel of a new book.  The virgin pages.  I love our local bookstore.  The smell as you step in, the warm "hellos" of the staff who we have become friendly with, the depth of their collection in a cozy space...

But, I do also love the library.  I am grateful for technology and social media.  I love having a list of books I want to read over at Goodreads (many of the books have come by way of authors, bloggers, NYT  and NPR interviews, etc.)  I love being able to cross check my list with the library consortium database.

Today, it took maybe 15 minutes to ascertain that my local library had a number of books on my "want to read" list, on its shelves.  I had to go over anyway to pick up some books I'd requested that had come in, as well as, our Friday night "classic" movie for tomorrow night (The Red Shoes).

Once there, in what really does feel like a home away from home in some ways, I gathered my pile, checked everything out, had a cup of tea with my sweetie, and brought my loot home.

Happy.

Here are links to the books:

Survival Lessons

Life As We Knew It

Transcendence

You Know When The Men Are Gone

Relish My Life In The Kitchen

The Lake

A Tale For The Time Being

The Moon By Whale Light

The Havana Room

Calling Dr. Laura

Chez Panisse Vegetables

Peace and love.

Kids and food

I love this.  Right before I took the shot I said, "close your eyes".  For no reason, really.

Later, they painted.  Homework for Cap.  Their art, like them, bound with simpatico yet distinct.

*    *    *    *    *

A yummy sounding soup popped up over at Orangette a few days ago.  Soup has been on my mind as the temps outside have dropped.  I realized that the seasonal nature of this recipe meant that I had all but one of the ingredients called for (canned coconut milk), which bumped it right up to the top of this week's meal planning because it would cost very little to make.

I haaaaaaaaaate preparing winter squash.  So tedious.  I decided to tackle as many squash as I could at once to get it out of the way.  Three sweet dumpling squash, two acorn squash and one buttercup squash turned out to be my limit.  I roasted the sweet dumpling squash (and finished it in one day) and saved the acorn and buttercup squash for the soup.

Warming and delicious.  I goofed and put in a tablespoon of sriracha rather than a teaspoon.  I added some water to take the edge off the heat.  Note to self: this soup was very straightforward to make having prepped the squash the day before.

We've had some sweet potatoes waiting in the wings in a bowl next to the squash on a shelf in the kitchen.  (I wonder what it's like to have a root cellar?)  I followed this recipe and roasted a few sweet spuds.  My potatoes needed a longer cooking time (I put them back in, raising the temp to 375º for an additional 10-15 minutes).  The kids both enjoyed these, Sag in particular.

I flipped through Gluten-Free Girl's latest cookbook (borrowed from the library) while half-watching the Pats game on Sunday night.  It's a nice looking book, and when I realized I had stuck post-its on nearly two dozen pages about halfway through the book, I laughed, stopped what I was doing, and put it on my Amazon wish list (which is how I keep track of such things).

She had a "recipe" for cooking quinoa which nudged me to make a pot.  Gem has always liked quinoa, but Sag has not.  I wanted to see if this recipe which guaranteed "fluffy" quinoa would do the trick.  I had my quinoa with a dab of Kerrygold and the roasted sweet potatoes.  Sag ate a few bites of his quinoa (with wheat-free tamari).  He didn't love it, but he didn't hate it, either.

I much prefer my quinoa cold, in salads.  Maybe because I don't taste the "nutty" flavor that most people use to describe quinoa, maybe because I find the texture of quinoa so enhanced when it is layered with other textures, but cold quinoa tossed with some veg (in this case: red onion, leftover roasted sweet spuds and "semi-homemade" sweet dill pickle relish), oil and vinegar (in this case: evoo and ume plum vinegar) and seasoning (in this case: garlic powder, salt and pepper) is a game changer for me.  Yum.

*    *    *    *    *

Buzzfeed posts some very entertaining, yet consistently ephemeral, food stuff.  But, this post woke me up.  I have a feeling this recipe will change my chicken roasting/eating life...forever.

Peace and love.

Heel getting all up in my grill

As most of you know, I am not good with money.  It is, my Achilles' heel.  I have worked to raise my awareness of this critical weakness of mine over the last five years and though progress is being made incrementally, it has also been inexorably slow going.

In August, we took a family vacation to California and I made the mistake of not constructing a vacation budget.  I kind of kept my eye on our spending and we spent roughly 50% above what my vague ceiling was.  Not good.  Some would say stupid.  Irresponsible, really, when you consider the fact that we are a single income family with two kids living paycheck-to-paycheck.

September was a blur.  On top of the usual seasonal surge of expenses (signing up for classes/activities, sorting through, discarding and purchasing cooler weather clothes for the kids, back-to-school expenses for Cap), a virus put three of us down for the count.

By the time I came up for air in October, I knew we were in a spot of trouble.  I very clearly realized that we were spending more than "we" were earning.  Our "cushion" (which normally expands and contracts throughout the year because Cap's consulting earnings, which typically go straight into the savings account, are irregular) was not bouncing back to normal levels after the vacation expense debacle.

So, it's back to the drawing board.

• an immediate moratorium on buying books.  (my intention is set for at least one year.)  (most of you know this will not be a hardship for me.  I own dozens of books I have not yet read and access to an incredible consortium of libraries.)

• we are attempting a zero sum budget until the next pay check (Friday).  barring extraordinary circumstance(s) we are aiming to get through the week without dipping into our savings.  meals are planned, a skeleton crew of groceries has been bought, time to hunker down yet stay loose (for creativity and positivity).

• time to track our spending again.  for the month of November I am itemizing all spending, and going deeper than I have in the past.  I am noting the cost of individual items on the grocery bill, for instance.  this will help me to shop a little smarter: I can develop a cheat sheet at some point of staples to facilitate comparison shopping.

[tangent 1: I am grateful to see my process in play here, clearly.  by tackling this lifelong Achilles' heel in steps, concretely, as well as in a spiral progression, what once felt sickeningly overwhelming now feels much more manageable.  I can acknowledge that some people will read this post and wonder how/why it has taken me so long to get to where I am...and I am okay with that rather than stressed about it.  progress on both the emotional and mental fronts rocks!]

[tangent 2: I've recently gleaned two organizational tips from cookbooks which I plan to implement.  one involves making a kitchen inventory sheet for tracking shopping needs/spending.  the other, which builds on the first, is a shopping list sheet which is organized by mapping the grocery store(s) you shop in, creating a most efficient "flow" for shopping/spending.]

• creating a budget for the next few months will be interesting because...  November has Sag's birthday (gift and party) and Thanksgiving (special occasion dinner and travel).  December has our anniversary (gifts) and Christmas (holiday cards/postage, gifts and travel).  January has Cap's birthday (gift), my birthday (gift) and a family trip to Peru (travel).  we are heading into the most overwhelmingly spendy time of year for the manatee household!

Call me crazy, but I am kind of enjoying this.  For some reason, I feel not only up to the task of figuring some shit out, but I am looking forward to it.

Stay tuned.

Themes

rhythm.

Every November, for a number of Novembers now, I feel a spark and a twinge when I am reminded of NaNoWriMo.  I think, how cool would that be, to write a novel?  Or a solid first draft of one?  And then I quickly dismiss the idea because how dare I disrespect the art form by even dreaming I could do something like that?  I am hardly a writer.

Today, a blogger I follow posted saying she will post daily for the month of November (unrelated to NaNoWriMo).  And I whispered-thought, hey, that, I can do.

Going to the farmer's market with Kelly on Saturday mornings has become a lovely routine.  The company of a good friend, being a step closer to the rhythm of the season, the genial contact with local farmers, fish mongers and culinary artisans...it all fills me with anticipation and gratitude.

This morning I picked up cider from a local orchard (where we get our weekly fruit share from) and eggs and ground sirloin from Anthony.

moments.

The berries were red and because of the cloudy light, had a wonderful matte quality to them.  I couldn't angle my shot properly to catch the color, but liked the silhouette well enough to appreciate the image for itself.

flow.

Something clicked for Gem this afternoon and he worked on some comics with an unusual fervor.  We talked about how cool it is to feel and be one with that flow.

arts.

I read Marbles today.  It was an incisive and funny memoir chronicling a journey from diagnosis to successful treatment (after four+ years!) of bipolar disorder.  It had a lot of heart and I am glad I read it.  It was featured in this piece highlighting graphic novels by women that Sherman Alexie turned me onto via his blog.

I have been enjoying American Horror Story: Coven in its many aspects, and, as a whole.  I am a sucker for wonderfully utilized music and have been riveted by their application of Fleetwood Mac, and Stevie Nicks, in particular, for Misty's storyline.

Peace and love.

Catching up: the food

sausage-sweet potato frittata.

pumpkin cake with cream cheese frosting.

Thai nut relish.

Hosted a wee potluck brunch last weekend and served these dishes.  All the recipes are terrific.  A variety of flavors and textures, all satisfying.  The Thai nut relish was a revelation (unsweetened shredded coconut as a base?  genius).  Oh, I also reduced the powdered sugar in the frosting significantly and the texture of the frosting was unchanged.  Win!

pumpkin muffins with raisins and choco chips.

These muffins were fabulous.  Moist and tasty.  If eaten on the first day, also nicely crusty.  Delicious with a schmear of cream cheese or butter, too.  I used coconut crystals and reduced the sugar.

Kyoto cherry rose green tea.

A recent discovery at Terra.  I had it iced on one of the last warm and humid days of the exponential Indian summers we had this year.  I have been enjoying it hot with a spoonful of local honey since turning the heat on last week.

roasted sweet potatoes.

Another gem of a recipe from Martha Stewart's site.  I did not have Old Bay seasoning so subbed with poultry seasoning that I need to get through speedily because of its recent "expiration" date.  This was simple to put together and highlighted the natural goodness of sweet spuds, well (flavor/texture/color).

cornbread stuffing with ground turkey, pecans and raisins.

Making this stuffing was a valuable first step in tinkering my way towards the scrumptiously sublime stuffing of my dreams.  It was much better than the horror of last year's stuffing.

• loved the pecans and raisins.

• if I make cornbread stuffing again, will decrease or eliminate the sugar in the cornbread.

• ground turkey, while nice for the non-red meat eating member of our family, didn't quite cut it, flavor-wise.

• the chicken broth (store bought...Imagine or Pacific Foods) was too one note...bordering on cloying.

• I forgot to plan for making gravy...gravy likely would have helped this stuffing go down easier.

• I gave most of this stuffing away to gluten-free friends and they loved it.

I have the ingredients for my next effort lined up and ready to go.

shakshouka.

Lovely, lovely breakfast food.  Teaches me patience every time while I wait for the eggs to cook just so.

cabbage head.

1. Wish I had a cleaver.

2. Confession: a cabbage bigger than one's head brings with it a tide of CSA fatigue.

beef-pork meatballs.

Delectable.  I don't think I will ever make beef-only meatballs ever again.  The pork added a fantastic je ne sais quoi to these nuggets of yummy.  I adapted the recipe quite a bit, but found it to provide a solid base.

sweet relish.

Sag and I love sweet relish.  But, of course, sweet relish contains loads of sugar.  It occurred to me this week that I could make sweet relish at home controlling for sugar.  After some Googling, I decided to pick up a jar of Bubbies (the store didn't have the relish so I bought the pickles).  I chopped up half the pickles, added some of the pickle juice and stirred in 2 Tbs local honey.  This relish nearly filled a repurposed salsa jar.

spaghetti carbonara.

I don't remember how I came to start reading Kate Christensen's blog.  I have not read her fiction, but she is a writer who likes food.  I like writerly things/people.  I like food.  She is from Boston and I like Boston.  So, somehow, I found her blog and I like to read it.  She posted a Carbonara recipe last week that entranced me.  I had never made Carbonara at home.  It is a dish that I have adored the occasional times I have had it.  I did not grow up eating it.  It always struck me as an otherworldly combination of crazily indulgent ingredients.

So, I was genuinely struck by the simple and straightforward recipe.  Pasta+bacon+garlic+olive oil+eggs+Parmesan cheese+black pepper.  Really?  Not only could I do that, but I realized that the relatively short list of ingredients was a signal for alchemical magic ahead.

Yum, yum, yum.  This was utterly comforting, nostalgic and perfect.  As I ate, this song came on and folded in a whole other layer of memory.

(I am a believer in every moment being perfection in it of itself...but it's not always easy to read the moment as so.  Eating this for dinner last night, many, many things came together and I became one with perfect.)

Peace and love and happy taste buds.

Absence results in avalanche

I promised myself to post today to not let it go longer than a week since my last post.  And I do hope it won't be as long till my next one.

I was going to pick one photo to save time (which I only wanted to do in order to facilitate the actual happening of writing a post), but looking at my photo stream made me warm and fuzzy and I could not pick just one.

I am delighted by an unexpected turn of events.  This Fall has been defined by a surge in cooking and baking as I have mused about it here in this space.  The development in the last week or so is that I have made some food which has made me go "hmm".  And I find myself very curious and wanting to learn more about the science behind the alchemy of cooking.

I have requested Ratio and Gluten-Free Girl Every Day from the library.  Both authors are proponents of using ratios to develop recipes and deepen one's understanding of how recipes work.  I cannot imagine I will ever be creating my own recipes...but am kind of thrilled to be exploring cooking and baking in a new way.  Maybe I do like it, after all.

And now, the pics...

local intersection.  I had just stepped out of Anthropologie, a store I go into maybe once a year.  I like it every time, but then forget about it until someone or something reminds me and I go in again.

sweet rice flour!  we've started using it, but I have not batched "my" all-purpose flour mix yet.  (I need a snazzy name for it.)

Chinese lump candy (aka rock candy).  the kids, particularly Gem, have been loving it.  some less processed sweet for the stomach system.

pumpkin chocolate chunk bars.  the first of three items I baked in the last week that came out vastly differently than I thought it would.  it tasted good, but the texture was very wet.  it was like a pumpkin pie without the crust.  the recipe poster's photo shows a much cake-ier looking bar so I was disappointed...and wondered what went awry.

we returned upstate for pumpkins.  the kids enjoyed our trip to Gill's Farm last year so we made a day of it with auntie and uncle.

boys on rock in woods.

beautiful birches.

more often than not, lately, all I want for breakfast is a piece of toast with Kerrygold and a big ass mug of black tea (English or Irish Breakfast) with honey.  must be the bits of stardust in me that hail from the British Isles rallying for some recognition.

pumpkin bacon scallion biscuits.  the greatest of expectations dashed upon a cruel and rocky shore.  these were a shocking bust.  and I am fairly certain it was me...and that I can tweak my performance to turn out a better product.  these were soft on the inside, bordering on mushy.  the outside was crusty...but I was seeking a flakey experience throughout.

I made something a couple of weeks ago, it was the oatmeal raisin cookies, and I questioned the use/quality of nutmeg (an ingredient I normally dig, especially in savory dishes).  well, I finally checked the date on the jar and, oops, it was way past expiration.  at the market, they were out of "regular" nutmeg so I decided to get a jar of whole ones.  I enjoyed the "return to a simpler time" aspect of grating the nutmeg...and, not surprisingly, the wonderful aromatherapy.

apple cider donut hole.  making these was a mixed bag.  I guess you could say the hype (in my head and heart) could not quite be lived up to.  the logistical pain of frying donuts for the first time will never be as challenging as it was yesterday and so I can envision myself making these again and having the total experience be a happier one.  the donut "holes" themselves were really good.  I mean, a warm and crispy fried dough ball?  what's not to like?  these were light and pleasing.  they were not cooked well through, though.  next time they need to be smaller.  and I need a working candy thermometer for next time.  I really had no idea what temperature the oil was.  and speaking of oil...Cap is our resident fryer and being a kinesthetic learner, I had to experience frying to understand the ins and outs of how/how much dang oil is used to deep fry.  it's a frakking lot.  and...honestly, it felt like a waste.  so, next time, I guess I'll make more donuts.  but it would have to be for a crowd because, really, they are best still warm from frying.  see?  my complicated mixed feelings.  also disappointing: Cap didn't want one (he wasn't feeling well) and the boys did not like them.  I am usually not invested in the rest of the family loving, or even liking, what I make, but this one made my heart twinge a bit.

pumpkin tea cake with cream cheese frosting.  sometimes, I will change what I call something to reflect a shift in ingredients.  for example, the pumpkin bacon scallion biscuits were called pumpkin bacon chive biscuits in the original recipe.  but, this one, I could not call these pumpkin bars, not with this frosting, which elevated/transformed the final product to more of a cake.  I am now using coconut crystals or honey or maple syrup as substitutes for cane sugar when I bake.  but, for this frosting, I decided to use the powdered sugar called for because the thought of a brown cream cheese frosting made me sad.  this came out wonderfully.  the cake was dense and it had a rustic, hearty quality that paired nicely with the sweet, sticky frosting (which was way too sweet for me...and raised the burning question: how much can you decrease the sugar in a frosting without negatively impacting the texture of it?)  I froze half the cake and plan on serving it at a brunch this weekend.  I am going to make a non-dairy frosting for it using vegan cream cheese and will use less sugar.  I may make a tiny test batch using coconut crystals to see how unsightly the resulting brown is.

celery root, sweet potato and red onion.  I adapted this Martha Stewart recipe to use up the celery root from last week's CSA share.  I thought the apple, even a tart one, would make it sweeter than I wanted...but the celery root had more of a kick to it than I expected and next time, I will put the apple in.  this was pure CSA goodness.  we are very much entering root vegetable season here and I will be making variations of this kind of peel, cube, par boil and skillet fry for weeks and weeks to come.  Martha Stewart's website is becoming a reliable source of recipes for me.  (another thing that makes me go hmm.)

we are in the midst of a delicious and bountiful apple season.  the simple pleasures of gazing upon Mother Earth's color spectrum, inhaling the delicate and unadorned scents and biting into juicy, crunchy, sweet, flavorful apples has been incredibly happy-making.

I have also been amassing tabs in my Google Chrome...of things I wanted to share here...

• homemade mosquito spray.

• coconut white chocolate recipe.  I have ordered the cocoa butter and am stoked to make this!

• apple honey "lemonade" recipe.  "aid digestion and boost immunity"?  yes, please.

• daily rituals of creative minds.  this reinforced things I already strive for and think highly of.

• 8 fascinating facts about anxiety.  5,6 and 8 were the ones that surprised me (both because I recognized myself in them and I never made a connection to these experiences and anxiety).

• re-Sendakify Sendak.  thanks to Lana for this one.  a must for fans of kid lit.

• a lovely poem.

• making lemonade out of lemons.  if by lemonade we mean gorgeous and haunting black and white photos...and by lemons we mean a frightening and destabilizing medical experience.  this one is from Lana's photo blog.

• 15 Peruvian foods you have to try.  I don't want to jinx anything by saying we're going to Peru in a few months, but that is the plan.  one of the things making me anxious about this trip is wondering what Gem is going to eat/how to feed him.  I was pleased to see that apart from the desserts on this list, most seemed gluten- and dairy-free.

• another lovely poem.

• GO: A Kid's Guide To Graphic Design.  looks like a cool book.  Kidd's first novel, The Cheese Monkeys, blew me away.  this one is not a novel, it's about graphic design and aimed for humans 10 and up.

• gorgeous and stunning nature photography.

• headspace.  a meditation app I am thinking about trying.

• pumpkin muffins on my to do list.

• pumpkin truffles on my to do list.

• raw almond butter cups on my to do list.

• my latest percolating obsession: stuffing.  of the 25 on this list, I'm going to try the Kitchn one first.  (gluten-free, of course.)

• I am wanting meat less these days and was delighted to see this come across my virtual desk this morning: 37 vegetarian dishes for Thanksgiving.

Phew.  Okay, that was a lot.

Peace, my loves. 

Whoosh

Wow.  Today flew.

I/we've been sleeping later into the morning as we combat the cold virus in our midst which has not gotten bad, but is hovering.  This accounts for some of that "lost time" feeling for me.

A chunk of the day was spent across from Gem has he grappled with mathematics.  This shot is from a pee break.  It was a tough afternoon for him.  I realized he was not working as independently as I thought he was...and he is beginning to realize the pains of truly hunkering down and paying attention to details...all the details.

I took Sag to Vinny's with me today.  One of his gymnastics classmates sat on his hand, hard, this week, accidentally, and I wanted to nip any damage in the bud.  Here I was waiting for him to get out of the car, he was very nearly at the end of a chapter and wanted to finish.

"our house" all-purpose flour mix

1 cup brown rice flour

1 cup blanched almond flour

1/3 cup potato starch

1/3 cup tapioca starch

1/3 cup arrowroot starch

I am feeling ridiculously pleased with myself for "figuring out" a new all-purpose flour blend for our household.  This works well for pizza crust, so far.  As soon as our order of sweet rice flour hits the front porch, I will sub that in for the brown rice flour.  I'll let you know how it goes with various recipes as I make them.

Peace and love.

Exhale

As I took my last bite of braised red cabbage and apple scrambled with chopped plum tomato and a pastured egg with a drizzle of fish sauce (Red Boat = sugar-free)...my body released a tiny moan of pleased satisfaction.  And I felt so lucky.  And I felt so grateful.  (The soup is butternut which deepened overnight into a super savory delight.)

Yesterday I read an interview with Ann Leary and was struck by something she said:

"I think what people who aren't alcoholics don't understand is that denial isn't a refusal to believe the truth on the part of the alcoholic. They actually believe their truth. You know, it's not that they're turning, you know, a blind eye. They actually are in a different reality than their family members."

As I shift into a Dragon-y phase, I am quietly stunned by my pieces as they fall into...a different more healthful design.  I am the same, I am still me...yet going to class and practicing the Qigong movements for just a few days has brought about a subtle sea change.

(Eating less; feeling naturally and actually hungry, as opposed to, the more familiar clawing anxious seeking comfort hungry; being aware of the ebb and flow of nourishment and inflammation/distention; feeling more focus; feeling more calm.)

I don't think I am a true addict, but I know I have the tendency in my DNA.  I wonder if this has landed me in the center part of a Venn diagram.  I am capable of going into "different realities" while simultaneously believing that in doing so, I am refusing to believe "the truth".  That's some serious push and pull and would explain some things.

Anyway, all the tension and chaos of the past few months are quickly being left in the dust.  I am feeling good.

The weather has turned autumnal again and I am obsessively enjoying my new robe, the second robe I have ever owned.  It is cozy and colorful and chenille.

I am rediscovering the joy of apples.  Local, low-pesticide fruits fresh from the orchard.  YUM.  The color, texture, fragrance, flavor...unbeatable.

I hope you are thoroughly enjoying something today.

Peace and love.

Time of the body

When I turned 40 I was stoked.  Buoyed by a strong sense of "new beginning" (of the second half of my life), I vibrated promise.  And I wanted to ride that tantalizing burst of bliss to lots more.

(My thirties ran me ragged.  A surge of life "events" strung together closely resulted in inadequate capacity for stress management.  Infertility~baby~baby has multiple food allergies~another baby~second baby contracts pneumonia at one month~leaving a job/work I loved~moving into father-in-law's in the boondocks~moving to Sacramento...it was during our second year in Sacramento that I turned 40.)

In searching for my bliss, I focused on myself.  One of my guiding principles was that being happier would make everyone else in my family happier.  Within a year of turning 40 we moved to New Jersey and, here, I set about looking for someone to work with, someone who would expand my capacity for understanding what makes me tick so I could travel the road of least resistance towards personal joy.

I had met Kelly at a homeschooling event at the library and we became fast friends.  She introduced me to Master Lu and Vinny.  The rest, in a way, has been history.  As most of you know, Vinny has mad skills and has helped me, a lot, over the years.  I am definitely happier now than I was when I turned 40.

And yet...as I begin staring down 50, I am realizing that a new phase is upon me.  It is the time of the body.  I have had a fairly complicated relationship with my body since childhood.  I have carried body baggage into adulthood and never fully dealt with it.  Hence, the Oprah-like pendulum-ing of my weight (according to my backseat psychiatrist couch-think).

I have been having a hard time with fatigue for nearly two years.  During this time I've dabbled in self-education around hormonal issues (thyroid and perimenopause) and Paleo eating (which did seem to help a lot with my ADDishness).  Throughout, I saw Vinny.  He worked on me and I took the herbs he prescribed.

But, little has changed with the fatigue.  (My sleep issues, which peaked during this time, responded positively and dramatically to reducing caffeine and sugar.)

I signed up for the Y, I signed up for dance classes, I created schedules in an effort to get out/move my body, I considered yoga.  Nada.  I've been too tired or overwhelmed to actually do any of it.

In the last three months it has creepingly become undeniable: not only am I tired every morning when I wake up (recently I've been getting solid sleep and I know I am not emotionally depressed), but I am often ache-y and I am way too heavy.

Dragon's Way started last night and we practiced movements 1-4.  In a stunning moment of "oh !@#%", my new reality smacked me.  Hard.  These movements, which have never been hard for me, kicked my ass.

Describing the Qigong movements is a whole other post.  Suffice to say, for now, that though you have to be fairly exact in your execution for maximum benefit, the movements themselves are simple, gentle and slow.  Now, imagine me, doing these simple, gentle, slow movements and parts of my body starting to feel like lead within a minute of starting...not so much painful (though it is sometimes) but resistance to the simple, gentle and slow movements manifesting itself in a way that feels huge and immovable.  Now add guttural moans.  And sweat dripping off of me.  It was not pretty.

It was clarifying.  I've hit my tipping point.  Watershed moment.  47 is a prime number and I thought this year would be special.  I've been jiggling the key, working it, and I've been a little frustrated at the stickiness of the lock (blocked energy, prolonged fatigue, the metaphor fits).  Last night, the lock finally started to give a little.  A resounding "click" may be in my future.

The Qigong last night was powerful (practicing in a group generates some really lovely energy) and healing.  I was not ache-y this morning.  I practiced today.  I have eaten much less.  I have been more directed in my activity.  I have had more compassion for the kids.

I feel much more grounded.

In the past, I have focused on the food part of Dragon's Way, but this time, the food will be tertiary after the movements and the herbs.  After last night I know, in my bones, that practicing the movements can lead the way.  It will make the rest easier.

In other news, I have been spending a lot of time cooking.  And in between, I have been eating less, and well.

braised pork from A Spoonful of Ginger.

toasted macadamia nuts.

banana muffins.

bread crumbs.

apple sauce.

carrots.

shakshouka.

oatmeal raisin cookies.

Off to make some turkey meatballs for common meal tomorrow and then put together taco fixings for tonight.

Peace and love.