The hormonal thing

A glimpse into the crazy:

A few days ago, I felt almost angry at myself...easily reducing my life to maker-of-peach-jam and doing nothing to serve anyone outside the scope of my little family.

Then, yesterday, I cannot even remember how or who triggered this, I thought that I might want another baby.

Craaaaaaazy.

I will add that I think there is truth to be recognized in the crazy (generally, for all of us).  Little kernels...to bear witness to, to honor, to give a squeeze to before sending it along.  They are not necessarily lasting truths.  But, they can serve to shape our now somewhat more authentically.

The trick is to know, through intuition and/or skill, how to integrate what seems disparate, depressing, lunatic.  Or, more realistically, to get over the discomfort that may come with dawning realizations, to strip away the judgments, and go with it, after it, through it, with some verve.

I am lucky, because I do feel the spark of energy, I am enlivened by my emotions.  It's not blue that I feel, but the orange-turning-to-red of the fire that has been lit under my ass.

Peace and fiery love.

What's going on

 shot at dawn sometime last week.

Mucho sleeplessness.  Way too mucho.  Going on ten days or so now, nearly half my nights have seen less than an hour of sleep.

This is not good.

Part hormonal insomnia, part getting out of bed multiple times a night to sit in the kids' room, part circadian rhythm shifting.

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A few days ago a local teenager climbed an embankment not far from our place and stood in front of an oncoming train and died.  I have been haunted by this...due in some part to my sleep deprived state.

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Sleep deprivation is not good for hair plucking.  My system is a bath of peri/menopausal hormones, my brain chemistry is far from shooting on all cylinders...I'm in a state of restless stasis.  Pluck, pluck, pluck.

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My corrected corrective lenses are perched on my nose.  Much better.  I am feeling inclined to read again.

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Eleven weeks since my last period, another one came.  It's been qualitatively different.  Not normal is the new normal.

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The kids are growing a ton.  Gem is changing inside and outside.  I swear he goes to bed and wakes up and is another inch taller.  He is morphing into a teen.  The countdown to his birthday has begun.

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We're in the midst of a heatwave, but I have been so out of it I've barely noticed.  Of course, I am using the air conditioners assiduously.  And drinking lots of iced coffee and tea.

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I have been enjoying the game Candy Crush Saga.  It's my first social media tie-in game.  I've been playing it a lot.  On a related gaming note, Gem bought a Wii U.  It all happened quickly and was quite shocking because he has historically been a non-saver/-big spender.  But, he had amassed quite the bundle of coin since his last birthday and so we chipped in just a little bit and the kids have been enjoying the new Wii system thoroughly.

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I am entering a non-productive cycle of the vicious kind.  The sleep deprivation is affecting my capacity for stress management.  I am starting to feel bad about things that I can't control...or can't control easily or readily.  I am getting the bare minimum done on any given day...some days with more impromptu and nice flourishes than others.  But there is no rhythm.  Things feel haphazard and chaotic.  I have been okay with that for months, but now, not so much.

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Cap decided he wanted to replace our long suffering kitchen trash can before his impending trip to Japan.  We did our due diligence and checked out the selection at Bed Bath and Beyond...but we were not impressed.  The cans that had the features we were looking for were crazy expensive.  I found a great seeming can online at a restaurant supply store made by Rubbermaid in the USA.  Not cheap, but not as costly as the highest end stuff in BB and B.  Waiting for its arrival.

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Yep.  Feeling unmoored.  And grumpy.  Called our first, brief, official family meeting a few days ago and proposed a month of seriously increased structure.  I have been feeling quite a bit of tension holding the various strands of "home" together.  Anything that can help increase harmony by paring away missed and/or mixed expectations sounds good to me right now.  The kids were wary of committing to a month so we decided to assess how things were going after two weeks.

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The sky is lightening.  It is 5:30.  I cannot believe I've had another night with not a wink of sleep.  I am going to play a round or two of Candy Crush and then head into the kitchen.  My sister and brother-in-law are coming over for dinner and I am braising short ribs.  Yum.

Peace and love.

Last week

I guess I am in a non-blogging phase.  Which, for the record, I do not like.

The weekend was very split-personality.  Which, for the record, I do not like.

I seem to be having some period action after 8 weeks of menstrual radio silence.  Which, for the record, I do not like.

Whether I like it or not, life happens and time marches on.

So...

The kids are good.  Gem is on the cusp of becoming a teenager and he is transforming before our eyes.  Sag is experiencing springtime allergies for the first time and it has hit him like a truck.  OTC medication helped for 24 hours but were disrupting his sleep.  We switched him to homeopathic stuff which brought/are bringing symptoms to a level where coping is possible.  

(Interesting aside...for many years, Sag had "terrible (fill in age)-and-a-halfs" (as opposed to the "terrible twos")...we never understood the whys of it but came to expect the few weeks/couple of months during which he raged and roared and just seemed so uncomfortable in his skin.  We chalked it up to developmental growing pains...the unrest that can often precede a firm step forward in growing/growing up.  Then, as suddenly as they came on, these rough patches stopped, about four years ago.  The arrival of this Spring's allergies has highlighted the reality that Sag has been in a somewhat prolonged highly sensitive mode for about a month now.  The timing of it makes me wonder if there is...and was, a seasonal component to his difficulties around the time of his half-birthday.)

Last week we had time with their youngest cousin and with my Dad.  I don't think about it much, but it is really nice for them to be able to have this kind of (almost impromptu) time with extended family...something I did not grow up with myself.

(Barbra that is your travel pillow, by the way, on Gem's head.  I have it "out" to remind myself to mail it back to you!)

Switching back to mostly Paleo (not sweating it if I am eating out or PMSing bad...though even then I flexed just enough to allow occasional rice/corn/dairy...no gluten/sugar) has been pretty delicious.  I so appreciate color in life and forget how well having vegetables and fruit around can enhance one's colorscape.  Coffee has been fine without cream, my appetite has gone down a lot (though my ability to figure out serving size has not, concurrently...that shot of food in a pan is what was left after I took what I wanted and my intention was to cook up one serving!) and I have discovered a super simple way to prepare chicken that I love.

The chicken thing was enlightening because I have long been someone who could take or leave chicken.  It is great timing to have tasty chicken in the repertoire because I am wanting to eat less, generally, and specifically, less meat.  I suspect the cut and quality of the chicken are what makes this "recipe" a stand out.  I am getting boneless, skinless thighs from my meat guy at the Farmer's Market.  Cap has been using the chicken breast from Anthony for months now and I have been aware of the wonderful quality, but never ate much of it because...I thought I didn't really like chicken.  (This is the same farmer from whom we buy our gorgeous eggs.)  Well, despite being a dark meat girl, I never explored the world of dark meat chicken because Cap doesn't like it and the kids are not fans of eating chicken off the bone.  Deciding to follow the "getting started" recipes in Well Fed last week, kind of blindly, I asked for the boneless, skinless chicken thighs at Anthony's stall, not knowing they were a thing, and was pleasantly surprised to have two packages thunked down in front of me.

The "recipe" wasn't much of a recipe at all for anyone who cooks chicken with any regularity/intuition (not me).  It called for grilling the chicken, but had instructions on how to bake it instead, which was perfect for me.  (We have access to an outdoor grill, but living on the second floor, we don't really use it.)  The chicken is seasoned with salt, pepper and granulated garlic, placed in a baking dish and then baked at 400º for 30 minutes.

That's it.

It looks like the pic above (not very attractive, if you ask me) and tastes like gangbusters.  I cooked up 3 lbs. last week and went down to 2 lbs. this week.  (The kids liked it, but didn't ask for it again.)  It's a perfect little protein with veggies or on its own.

I did have way too much food prepped last week.  My brain must be foggier than I think because I thought I slashed items off this week's grocery list, but ended up spending more/buying just as much, it felt like.  Some patience will be needed as the process gets streamlined and sorted out.

Some seasonal stuff that happened last week: the annual film festival in town where Cap and I saw Free Angela and All Political Prisoners (directed by an alum of my high school...followed by dinner out while the kids were happily ensconced with friends) and herbs picked up at one of the annual plant sales in town.

The final pic is just something that caught my eye.  One of our drying racks broke which prompted this:

Peace and love.  (And less Ruzzle...though it comforts me when I am PMSing...and don't have ice cream or potato chips.)

Sweet saturday sigh

I can practically feel the yeast colonizing in me...I have been consuming much sugar.  The time to stop is right around the corner.

Cap and I had a nine o'clock appointment with our accountant this morning.  I loooooove having an accountant.  As you know, understanding money is not a forte and my consciousness has been unburdened of much stress thanks to forging this new relationship last year.

I read a terrific graphic novel today, The Voyeurs, by Gabrielle Bell.  It's not so much a novel as a collection of memoir vignettes in comic form.  I liked it a lot.  It was kind of mesmerizing to recognize myself in some of her self-characterization.

I have been focusing on getting more sleep (successfully though not so much on the falling sleep earlier thing) and cutting out gluten.  I'm in a hormonally indulgent phase and have been eating quite luxuriously.  (That's popcorn popped in coconut oil and drizzled with Kerrygold butter and sprinkled with truffle salt.)

Next week, bringing Qigong fully back into the picture and cutting out sugar.  And hopefully reading some more.

Peace.

Ma(lady)

In lieu of what's in/on my mind which is: blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah...a pic I took today (the herb garden) and yesterday (me and the kids).

I got my period yesterday and it is forcing my hand: I must embrace irregularity and unpredictability one way or another.  The more joyful I am in the process, the better for me (and those around me).  

@#$%

I am allowing myself a day to feel this way.  To think about chowing down on a bag of potato chips or a slice or two of pizza.  To be borderline fetal.

Yesterday I was distracted by laundry folding and Shameless and became a cocoon.  Part of me resists all this inward-ing.  But it's pretty powerful.  I am dreaming up a storm and sleeping like a hibernating creature.

Peace and love.

Friday's child

Oh, hormones.  Oh, womanly wiring.  Oh, menopause.  I've been gettin' the blues and it's taking my breath away.  I have felt humbled.  And feel so lucky.  There are so very many of us whose lives and well beings are crippled by powerful and uncontrollable chemical imbalances.  What we call anxiety, depression, etc.  I'd honestly forgotten how intensely bad it can feel (and I've never been to the point of needing medication).

I spent the afternoon with Cap which is always grounding.  We ran an errand that was over a year in the making and then were brutalized by Whole Paycheck.  (We are going to try doing the weekly food shopping at Trader Joe's next week.)

By the time we'd picked up the kids and the groceries were put away, the last thing I wanted to do was make meatballs.  But, the ground lamb really needed to be cooked, which got my butt in gear.  I decided to simplify a logistical aspect of the recipe (the recipe is fantastic and simple) and rather than baking them on a greased wire rack over a foil-lined baking sheet, I baked them right on the sheet (verdict: virtually no difference in the quality of the meatball).

I am so glad I made the meatballs.  I had a serving with roasted broccoli and roasted plum tomato.  It was a truly comforting winter warmer kind of meal.  I am feeling much better, the emotional jag has passed.

I've been enjoying a new show called The Americans.  Alongside the other new show I like, Nashville.  Here are some songs which have tickled my eardrums thanks to the shows...

Peace and love.

Tuesday turn

It's been a strange day.  And I am tempted to leave you with a strange photo I took today.  To unleash any and all connect-the-dots that can happen.

• woke feeling flat and almost surly...surly without the teeth.  would have been happy to pull the covers over my head and stay in bed.

• saved by a text asking if I wanted to go to the mall.  I almost never want to go to the mall, but it was a perfect way to get out of the house and my mood.

• Ellie is turning six this week.  one of our all-time favorite books is, horrors, out of print, so I decided to go in another direction.  the mall is a good place to get some shopping done for a little who loves to get her girl on.  

• had a bit of an adventure going to a David's Cookies outlet in Fairfield (hence the photo) and inhaling nostalgic bakery aromas and receiving such open generosity of spirit from factory workers fielding my unusual request.  (I was lucky, and was able to get what I wanted by chance.)

• went to Vinny's, which was great as always.  discovered that I have been consuming cane sugar this whole time I thought I wasn't because the Magic Ginger contains it but it was not listed on the label.  O.o  the new label lists it plain as day.

• instant food for thought.  clearly, my system is not as addicted to sugar as I thought.  many of what I consider my "bad" food/eating habits decreased during the last six weeks and I was, as it turns out, incorrectly attributing some of that to cutting out cane sugar.

• I was also attributing my stomach/GI issues of the last month to having cut sugar out of my diet.  wrong.

• I am sticking to the TCM herbs and teas.  I know they help, my faith in them is true.  I am continuing to live essentially grain-free and sugar-free except for the odd times they are part of my TCM treatment (one of the herbs I am taking right now contains barley).

• I've told Cap to not kill himself looking for dark chocolate with zero sugar added for my Valentine treats.

• I treated myself and the kids to an easy dinner, going off budget/protocol.  they chose hotdogs over steak and savored some tater tots.  I chose steak.

• my session with Vinny really helped turn my day around.  one of the things we talked about was just being happy.  for most of us, it is very possible...very much within our reach, to live happier.  yet it is hard to do/maintain.  there isn't a magic formula, but planting the seed in our minds, in our belief systems is a place to start.  let it be our mantra: do what makes me happy.  be happy.

Peace and love.

P.S.  Still no Aunt Flo.  Vinny thinks she's coming.  I have my doubts.

Cold comfort

...literally.

My banana-coconut cookie dough is in the fridge as I type.

I started reading The Twelve Tribes of Hattie this morning.  The first chapter was brutal and galvanizing.  I put the book down and didn't know whether to laugh or cry.  So I made for the kitchen, desperate for comfort.

The truth was, I wanted to do both.  I need to do both.  Also, to scream.  My body is seriously trying to process my emotional life.  Things have been going well and I believe another layer, sedimentary, is rumbling...heating up.  I want to yank, but cannot find any cracks into which I can dig my fingers and pull.

Sheer rock...despite evidence of rock shear.  A challenging in-between.

I hate in-between.

My monthly is coming!

(Lunar) Spring is coming!

Change of season ~ change of season ~ change of season ~ change of season ~

P.S.  Flight Behavior was excellent for any Kingsolver fans out there.  Thank you, Barbra.

P.P.S.  Going to a show today with my honey.  Thank goodness, it will be good to get out of the apartment.

Holy, hormones batman

My view today.  Although I felt pretty ill Saturday, it is clear now that I am not sick...at least not in the traditional sense.

My period came early and the flow is lighter.

My lower back/pubic bone/belly have become temporary hot spots.  My back, in particular, is in pain/sensitive.

My emotions have been...challenging and intense, some of it felt like really old crud that was dislodged and is banging its way up my insides on its way out.  The worst seems to be over, for now.

In the last few days I have realized that a woman never knows when her last period "is" only when it was.  This made me inexplicably sad.  Not for womankind, but for me, personally.  So strange that despite looking forward to not having anymore periods, the thudding reality of letting go of a phase of my life hit me kind of hard.

I have also realized how much I hate being out of physical commission/in physical pain.  It is insidiously demoralizing.  It is not something I think of often...the last time something like this happened was a few years ago.  It's a reminder of the blessing of my usual life.

Holy hormones, Batman.  Last night I could not fall asleep.  By 3:30am I was in so much pain (back and head), I staggered out of bed in search of the Aleve.  I think it kicked in mercifully quickly and I was asleep by 4:00.  This sleep was bookended by highly charged emotional states which had me blinded and Cap blindsided.  I finally cried a bit close to noontime, which helped.

(I used to cry a lot more than I ever do now.  It doesn't seem to come naturally to me anymore.)

Recovery has been taking longer than I want.  But, it's happening.

Peace.

Proof positive

That this plant is alive is a miracle.  I would not say it is thriving (only a single strand).  But it looks pretty well.  The color robust, the feel close to succulent.

This is the first plant that has survived my black thumbs...ever.  I have killed cacti.  I have raised this plant since it came to me in the form of a snippet.  It was tiny.  A baby.

On a morning like this, post-insomnia (first night off the "relaxing" herbs in an effort to clear out a cough that has become persistent), tricky time of the month...foul mood, second-guessing myself, tired...

on a morning like this, catching a glimpse of this plant, my plant, made me feel a little better.  (Talking to Kelly did, too.  Thanks, babe.)  A simple reminder that miracles happen.

Peace.

States of being

Huh.

I did not plan or intend to be away from the blog for so long.

Insomnia (perimenopause related, methinks) has reared its bigass head this week.  3 out of the last 6 nights I have had trouble falling asleep.  As in lying in bed for hours upon hours.  I am getting a handle on things with Vinny's help.  Saw him Tuesday and am going again Saturday.

I am bewitched.  But not bothered (too much) or bewildered.

I am also...

stabbed with melancholy : : the light this time of year kills me...the low slant at 1:30pm momentarily breaks my heart.  daily.

intrigued by my latest book : : I tend to drink my fiction in big gulps, but The Wind-Up Girl, so far, is well-suited for a sip here, a sip there.

pulling my hair out : : literally.  this is not a big deal...yet.  but it's something.  (think bewitched.)

indulging in inspiration : : Kate herself is very inspirational.  but I am also inspired by her writing, her designs, her aesthetics, her pedagogy, her photography...I was going to put her new book on my holiday wishlist, but then went ahead and treated myself (I thought it might sell out!)

brought back to bliss : : seeing beauty in the midst of the tedium of doing/correcting math.

soothed by song : :

Peace and love.

Do not step away

(Cover your eyes/ears if you don't like cussing.)

Motherfucker.

That is what I said when this happened:

I was angry to ruin the dinner protein and the second pan in a month by burning it.  

(I am hoping that the pan may be salvageable.  I am vigorously ignoring it at the moment.  The first pan was an Ikea freebie handed down to me by Melody when she moved west.  I burned Kate's lice comb to the bottom of it.  This time I burned some lovely pastured chicken that I had thawed in time to marinate and everything.  Sigh.  In a pan we've had for many, many years and has served us very well.  A Marshall's purchase we likely won't be able to replicate in value.  Sigh.)

There is also a kernel of understanding forming.  That perhaps perimenopause, like pregnancy, is doing wacky shit to my brain.  (It could, I suppose, be related to aging...but my intuition points to the other.)  Maybe I should put a sign up in the kitchen.  DO NOT LEAVE STOVE UNATTENDED.  YES, YOU.  NO, YOU WILL NOT BE RIGHT BACK.  STAY.

I was in a bit of a tizzy.  I wanted some comfort...but also didn't want anyone worrying about the safety of my children.  I'm not sure how, but I was able to float back into some calm and talked to the kids about Plan B.  I wanted to avoid going out or getting take-out because I am tightening the financial belt.  I also didn't want to take them out, literally.  They'd just gotten home from a long playdate and it was cold and dark out.

Then, the proverbial "life gives you lemons, make lemonade" happened.  I listed the foodstuffs we had (including piping rice in the rice cooker)...Gem requested onigiri stuffed with something (we went with deviled ham, a first) and Sag wanted a grilled cheese.

And it was good.  All of it.

Peace.

Ding ding ding

I usually start my morning with a single cup of coffee made in the nifty single cup French press I found in the pantry during the big declutter we did in there a few months ago.  This is usually followed by a single cup of black tea mid-morning.

This morning felt different and I pulled out the coffee machine.  Here I am with a mug practically as big as my face.  I brought it home for the kids from D.C.  Love the quote.  (It's J.F.K.)

Something has shifted inside and I have noticed my appetite is ramping down.  This is something.  It is significant.  Or, at least, it feels significant.  For I am a woman with appetites.  Big ones.  

Over the last decade I have attributed these appetites (for food, for daydreams for books, for movies, for knitting, for love...and before I left it, for my profession) to my personality (sensitive/introvert) and have come to parse it even more, to my chemical make-up which ties very much into my hormonal life and neurology.  (It's all a circle of primal ooze...with a dash of stardust.)

Timing would indicate that perimenopause entered my building awhile ago.  And has played me.  Toyed with me.  Screwed me.  Nothing personal, it's just what it does.  I'm lucky.  Because I have breaks in between the toughest times.  And in even my toughest times I don't ever feel like throwing in the towel.  Putting it down temporarily, maybe, but never bowing out for good.

I do find it very hard to remember, though, through much of it, that it's not my fault.  That, somehow, if I would practice Qigong more or eat sugar less or walk away from the screen more or watch tv less...things would be better, that I would be a better person.  A better mom.  A better partner.  A better friend.

Don't get me wrong, realistically, all the above would likely add, incrementally, quality of life to my life.  But, I had a bit of an epiphany this morning.  My little light shone.  

Something has shifted despite my not having made any of the above adjustments in any significant manner (despite thinking I should).  I realized I felt a bit more normal.  Calmer.  More peaceful.  More contained.  Less hungry.  A lot less hungry.

Something shifted just because.  I had nothing to do with it.  

Now, my appetite(s) for self-loathing and self-doubt have really shrunk.  A lot.  But in the throes of listlessness, moodiness, restlessness...when it lasts for more than a day or two, I have seen that the well is deep and old brackish water can rise.

I am glad the bell has rung on this latest bout with punk ass Peri.  I lean forward with new momentum along the path lit by my little light.

Peace.

Hey

Just wanted to check in because it's been a really lovely day and our evening, in particular, has been full of cozy.  (I am waiting for the sauna---the one my father-in-law built---to heat up...this gal is gonna sleep well tonight.)

I realized my present experience is in such contrast to where I was yesterday/last night.  I felt reassured and wanted to reassure any of you here, in case you were concerned.

I am feeling much better.  Almost unrecognizably so.  Which is kind of scary.  But hormones...chemicals...they can really pack a punch when telling a story.

Peace and love and a big pink hug.

D.C.

Most of these pics are unprocessed.  Raw, for what it's worth.  The equivalent of putting something down on paper.

It's been busy.  The weekend in D.C. was great in many ways.  (Unfortunate in only one: dire lack of sleep the first night, only marginally improved the second night.)  Fulfilling.  But, returning has meant diving into getting ready for Thanksgiving.  And Sag's birthday.  He was born on Thanksgiving Day and his birthday falls on it once again.

I'm also PMSing and am feeling, acutely, the effect of Mercury in retrograde.

Not feeling good.  But I am not forsaking flow.  I keep swimming into undertows, but gratefully, am finding reserves and unexpected strength in my limbs as I swim my way out and tread about.

This afternoon I felt self-loathing.  Something I haven't experienced in a long time (but used to, quite often).  A very real sign that things are off in my internal universe.  (This will be dealt with, once this busy-ness lets up a little.)

Enjoy the holiday, if you are celebrating.

Peace and love.