Paring down to simple

I was pleased that we made it through the week without dipping into our savings account.  Yesterday, mostly because we had barely anything typically breakfast-y left in the fridge and pantry and partly because "daddy got paid", the kids and I went out for breakfast.  (Cap opted to catch a few more winks.)  I had some coffee with cream and a quintessential Garden State breakfast sammie: Taylor ham, scrambled egg, jack cheese on a buttermilk biscuit.  'Twas yummy.

The kids and I chewed on thoughts and ideas, as well as, food.  Sag shared some memories of preschool.  Gem recounted something he read recently about how children have friends of both genders till about age 3 and how after that, we humans tend to make friends of the same gender.  I did a mini-lesson on economics, comparing different activities/things we buy/do that cost the equivalent of what our breakfast tab was.

The depressive state of earlier in the week has given way to something hard to describe...I'll call it muddle-brained...with emotional spikes.  All chemical, all the current soup of perimenopause + the season.  All ephemeral...if not in the actual how it feels, certainly in its inevitable passing on.  I saw Vinny (after a brief break during which he traveled to the Grand Canyon for the first time) and that always helps.  He gave me some new herbs to hone in a tiny cough that has developed inside me.  I also picked up some vitamin D + fish oil and evening primrose + flaxseed oil.  Vitamin D and evening primrose are mood supporters.

It's hard not to think about the level of dismantling I am doing to my days as a devolution.  As regressive, as backwards.  The reality is that reality is very much shaped by perception.  Think about this linearly and I get one thing, think about it non-linearly and I get another.  Honestly, I am not thinking about it that much, at all.  (Which I actually think is a positive.)

I have noticed I am happier out of the apartment, possibly because the apartment is physically harder to be in than usual (the dust factor, which is fairly high already has been exponentialized by my system reacting to the seasonal mold outdoors, ironically).

On my mind:

• what will I read next?

• $10 lunch special with my sweetie

• The Oranges (which we watched last night and I have mixed feelings about)

• if you can believe it, knitting

• Qigong, walking, the Y, tap...I am at the nexus of "barely"

• the seeming black hole of budgeting/financial competence

• becoming more one with the Dragon as we head into the final two weeks of class

Peace and love and keeping it real and simple.

Exhale

As I took my last bite of braised red cabbage and apple scrambled with chopped plum tomato and a pastured egg with a drizzle of fish sauce (Red Boat = sugar-free)...my body released a tiny moan of pleased satisfaction.  And I felt so lucky.  And I felt so grateful.  (The soup is butternut which deepened overnight into a super savory delight.)

Yesterday I read an interview with Ann Leary and was struck by something she said:

"I think what people who aren't alcoholics don't understand is that denial isn't a refusal to believe the truth on the part of the alcoholic. They actually believe their truth. You know, it's not that they're turning, you know, a blind eye. They actually are in a different reality than their family members."

As I shift into a Dragon-y phase, I am quietly stunned by my pieces as they fall into...a different more healthful design.  I am the same, I am still me...yet going to class and practicing the Qigong movements for just a few days has brought about a subtle sea change.

(Eating less; feeling naturally and actually hungry, as opposed to, the more familiar clawing anxious seeking comfort hungry; being aware of the ebb and flow of nourishment and inflammation/distention; feeling more focus; feeling more calm.)

I don't think I am a true addict, but I know I have the tendency in my DNA.  I wonder if this has landed me in the center part of a Venn diagram.  I am capable of going into "different realities" while simultaneously believing that in doing so, I am refusing to believe "the truth".  That's some serious push and pull and would explain some things.

Anyway, all the tension and chaos of the past few months are quickly being left in the dust.  I am feeling good.

The weather has turned autumnal again and I am obsessively enjoying my new robe, the second robe I have ever owned.  It is cozy and colorful and chenille.

I am rediscovering the joy of apples.  Local, low-pesticide fruits fresh from the orchard.  YUM.  The color, texture, fragrance, flavor...unbeatable.

I hope you are thoroughly enjoying something today.

Peace and love.

Dragon's Way

First class tonight and it KICKED MY ASS.

I'm gonna sleep well tonight...

Peace and love.

Boom

Haha, the photos uploaded crazy big, but I was quite delighted to post my last post from my luxe phone.  Posting musings and pics from a cabin in the woods.  Yay for small first world pleasures.

The tumbling, joyful, chaotic energy and activity of Fall continues.  In retrospect, I am really glad I took that California holiday.  I didn't realize how far reachingly nourishing it would turn out to be.  I was initially distracted by the jet lag.

The kids are due back any moment so it's bullet-time:

• Homeland.  Watch it.  The best thing to come to the boob tube since Arrested Development.  Both shows inform their genres (schools them clobberingly, really, on what is clearly possible) and then bust out of them, lifting us all to a transcendent place of...tv heaven.

• Dragon's Way: class has been awesome.  uplifting.  nourishing.  the food shift is going slow but is happening.  the practice shift is happening only a bit faster, but is, importantly, happening.  it feels like an organic part of my current process.

• nothing says "let's bang out some holiday cards!" like a weekend in foliage country.

• stuff is getting rassled up.  been taking my Chinese herbal sleep aids the last couple of nights.

• craft fair Friday, Halloween next week.  handmade takes time...eek!

• Louis C.K. with my honey this weekend.

• in less than a month Sag turns 11.  oh my.

• I have a ton of photos to process from the weekend (I took about 400!)  here is one I love that did not make the cut for our card because as Gem observed, "I have an eye patch".

Peace and love.

Hanging in the balance

Day 3 of Dragon's Way.  What is it that I/we have the urge to compartmentalize time.  Bracket it.

Ovulation-related hormone surge or dip had me nodding off in Vinny's waiting room yesterday afternoon.  Both pregnancies, I'd come home from work and nod off on the couch while sitting up.  (Muscle) memories.

And I cannot get enough dairy in me.

Balancing resting with the demands of daily life.  Always, but some days it feels more pointed than others.

I started the book yesterday.  Wow.  It's a good one.  Powerful swings from horror, heartbreak and hearty laughter.  A whodunit ensnared in cultural commentary.

Had myself an early dinner, solo, while the kids were at Video Game Design class.  It was a nice respite from the rush of the day.  The boys behind the counter were a delight to eavesdrop on.

Beginning to feel the instinctual shutting down for Winter.

Chopin, take it away.

Bits

Jet lag continues...though I am less draggy, my mind less mushy, with each passing day. 

I am exploring my new phone, digging Dragon's Way class which started last night, chipping away at bills-y kind of paperwork, getting back into the saddle of the schedule, etc.

I have Louise Erdrich's new book from the library for eight days.  Have not had the wherewithal to start it...

I read a poem I liked this morning.  You can read it here.

After Comic Con we walked from the Javits Center to Midtown Comics and from there to my mom's.  It was cool to be on foot passing the entrance to the Lincoln Tunnel...new perspective of a familiar landscape.

Peace and love.

Weekending monthbeginning

I've received healer's orders to rest today.  Not dwelling on the fact that I could not allow myself to that without the words of a higher authority.

So, quickly:

Went out to breakfast with the boys.  

I have procrastinated long enough and today is the day.  Eeny meeny miny moe...shall I do Dragon or Paleo?  I'm going with a modified Dragon's Way.  Qigong every day, eating warm and cooked foods, mostly veggies and fruit.  No grains, no sugar.  (That part is Paleo.)  I'm keeping eggs and thinking of going down to one serving of meat a day and if it feels okay, eventually cutting out meat completely.

For a month.  I am stoked to embrace the change of season, to embody it.  Detox and strengthen.  Clean out and settle in.

(Did I tell you I'm going to Oakland in October?  I'm going to Oakland in October!  My plan is to relax and rejuvenate: hugging redwood and eucalyptus trees, drinking in the essences of faraway friends, being quiet...and eating lots of good food.)

So, breakfast.  It was kind of a bust.  I've eaten my last meal at this once beloved former favorite spot of mine.  Something is up and I feel bad for the place.  But, I had fun with the kids.

Peace and love.

Recipe roundup

Last week I made a batch of Onion-Apple Pork Chops from Fast Paleo.  The kids gobbled the chops which were moist and flavorful.  I've been eating the onion apple topping.

This morning I made Classic Marinara from 3 Bowls.  I didn't use toasted and crushed fennel seeds, but did add Penzey's Tuscan Sunset seasoning which has fennel and some other stuff in it.  The fennel is lovely.  Give the impression of meatiness because of its association with sausage.  I didn't have plain applesauce (the kids fave is strawberry applesauce) so I did add honey to the sauce.  For me, it was about trying to cut the tartness of the citric acid.  The sauce is nice, not sure how well it's going to go over with the kids.  We will see at lunch.

I also made The Silver Palate's Eggplant Salad this morning.  It is a simple and yummy dish.  And Dragon's Way-friendly.  I had some for breakfast.

Two more dishes coming this week are: Everyday Paleo's Tastiest Slaw and Blissful Bites' Creamy Dulse Dressing.  (The latter link will take you to a review of the cookbook which mentions the dressing "the pumpkin seed dulse condiment".  As of yet no one has posted the recipe online.)

Peace and love (how the day goes when I get out of bed at 5:30).

Morning musing

I don't feel as terribly tired as I usually do on the second day of my period.  Is it a coincidence?  Or is it due to the chaos of early Spring shaking loose "stuff" (that had been stagnant) followed by starting Dragon's Way (and that kickass group practice Monday night)?

I feel lighter, and in fact, stepped on the scale this morning and saw I'd lost three pounds.  (I sometimes feel like I literally embody my Sun sign, the water bearer...)  It's a one-two punch: rotating in the water-releasing veggies of the Dragon Way and the hormonal shift that comes with starting my period which tends to release water retention.

My period arrived without the usual negative fanfare, too.  And a bit early.  Double yay because no PMS is awesome and I was dreading traveling to and from MA in the depth of my bleeding time.

Okay, enough about my menses.

Here are some pics which have accumulated in the camera:

It occurs to me now that maybe I was a bit PMS-y over the weekend.  My mind latched onto having sushi Sunday afternoon and would not shake the notion.  Cap brought me some in between sessions of his conference up at the University.  It was delicious, but too much.  I felt like I was going to explode afterward.  Ninety minutes later I was sitting in an Indian restaurant celebrating Kelly's birthday.  (I had a lamb samosa and mango lassi for dinner.)

I went on a shopping expedition with Leo and Danielle last week.   My quest for Mod Podge (for my lunchbox project) brought me to my favorite local art shop.  Ever since spotting the light boxes there during my pre-Xmas annual visit, I have been researching and considering.  Sag has been wanting one on and off for awhile having used them in his animation classes and learning how Minecrafters use them in their animations (via YouTube).  Here's our new lightpad.  It's nifty.

Dragon's Way food: zucchini, spinach, cherry toms, pine nuts, garlic and ginger.  Yum.

My as-of-yet unopened Mod Podge.  And the tablet stand I found on sale at Radio Shack.  The stand will come useful in the kitchen to pull up recipes.  It is time to make the shift...towards putting my scraps of paper and overstuffed binder of recipes to rest.

Peace and love.

On my mind

Does anyone else feel like 2012 is zipping along?  Honestly, it feels like it is FLYING, to me, at times.

I am touching down from the whirls of activity which have characterized the past few days.  I am happy.  And present.  Also a bit stunned.

Dragon's Way is good.  Class last night was wonderful.  Lovely and lighter vegetarian meals are gracing my days again.  I had a strict mindset in place, but my whole system is working in concert to give itself what it needs...and a break from one part feeling like it has to take control for the benefit of the whole.  (Yes, I'm looking at you, Mind.)

Wonderful to feel ease.  And to experience the embodiment of balance rather than the wishful thinking of it.

Amidst the much going on, I am noticing a steadiness in spending (see "stunned", above).  After decades of spending on credit, it means so much to be spending what we have.  But, the time has come to hit pause.  I am going to create a budget for essentials only for May and we will have a No Spend month.  We will stick to the budget and not spend even a penny on anything else.

The Prius is swell.  Driving it is rapidly becoming intuitive.  I still have half the manual to read and haven't been able to sync the Entune system (our mobile phone carrier is not included in their online set-up which means I have to go out to the car one day with my phone and the manual and maybe even my laptop?!...too complicated to do as of yet).

Last night I couldn't find the parking brake with my foot.  It was dark and rainy (the kids and I were trying to leave Dragon's Way) and I had to step out of the car  and crouch down to visually locate the thing three times before I managed to find it with my foot to release it.  Funny stuff like that keeps happening.

I am slowly working on an art project.  Which will eventually be part of Lana's project.  I have not perused the online exhibit yet (I want to finish my part first), but am really looking forward to it!

On deck for me this week:

• working on budget

• planning and prepping meals/snacks for Gem and myself for our 24 hours in Plympton and dinner in Forest Hills this weekend

• homeschooling

• Dragon's Way

• thinking on birthday gifts for two very special people in our lives

• reading the car manual

• tending to my menstrual self

• singing up for Ane Axford's six-month course (she's got an April "deal")

• coming up with a creative and/or fitting gift for the visiting Finns (reason for quickie visit to MA)

April has been an exceedingly "busy" month.  By the end of the month we will have gone away three out of the four weekends. 

I am looking forward to staying put in May.  Settling into Dragon's Way, settling into homeschooling...making time for decluttering (still have our room, the kitchen, the bathroom, the boys' room and the basement left!) and making time for homeschool planning for the Fall.

Cap and I are looking forward to beginning what will likely be a series of conversations about college for the kids.  What we think about it, how we'd like to plan for it, etc. 

Somewhat related to this, we would like to devote some time and energy towards thinking about how and why we would like to expand Gem's homeschooling, in particular.  If we had placed him in school when we moved here, he would be entering sixth grade/middle school in September.  It seems a good time to reflect and assess...keeping pace with cognitive/intellectual developmental leaps of late and bearing in mind where he'd be on a pre-college "track", whether of our own devising or finding one that exists already that jives with our pedagogy.

Exciting and fun stuff.

At the moment, I am settling into life now.  Which means folding laundry and watching some tv.  House and episodes of House of Lies (love The Cheadle), I think.  Sipping Chinese digestion tea with honey.  (Temps have dropped here again...tonight's low will be in the 30s.)

Peace and love.

Quickie

I have a post in draft from yesterday.  And some photos from today.  But, I am posting on the fly so there will be none of either.

Dragon's Way class starts in less than an hour.  My childcare fell through so I am bringing the kids with me.  They will play on their DSes with the sound off.  I have to feed them before we leave, the tater tots and hotdogs are warming in the oven and on the stove top.  We're out of frozen peas.  Oops.

This happens when I embark on a shift in my eating which requires needing more time to figure out my food...the kids' meals become convenience-heavy for a bit.

Since late afternoon, I have been feeling hungry, both in quantity and quality, at a rate much higher than my normal.  I had a spinach and one egg scramble around 4pm.  While I got the kids' dinner going, I felt peckish so I had a small snack of macadamia nuts and dates.  Now I am feeling stabby pangs of hunger.

Is it animal protein withdrawal?  Maybe.  I am certain that practicing Qigong in class will help smooth my system out.  I don't have to hold out too long.

Peace and love.

DW : : Prep week

Took a shower, which always feels good.  Weighed myself knowing I've gained weight and I have...10-15 lbs. have crept back on...5 of them easily in the last seven days. 

(I am realizing my body is very sensitive to inflammation.  And that changing my diet is simply not enough.  Stress causes inflammation, too.  I'm thinking triangulating between Paleo-y diet - practicing Qigong/walking - self-care as a highly sensitive is where I'd like to get myself to this Spring and into the Summer.)

Rather than flitting and fretting about what may or may not happen this afternoon in regards to the new car, I decided to sit down and take/make notes on my Dragon's Way.  For ten minutes.  Before making lunch for the kids.

During Preparation Week:

• eliminate meat, fish and dairy from diet

I've been eating down my dairy.  As luck would have it, I've just discovered how fabulous Kerrygold Garlic Herb butter is.  I am trying to enjoy it as much as possible and not dwell on the fact that I won't be eating it for awhile after this weekend.  I don't eat much fish (though I'm thinking I'd like some sushi this weekend) and I have little desire for meat these days so no issues there.

• get 7-8 hours of sleep every night and squeeze in a nap if you can

This hasn't been happening, despite my being so tired all week.  What is wrong with me?!  I am going to try to follow through on the intention to increase my sleep this weekend and continue to do so for the next six weeks.

• find some time to do nothing

This has not happened.  See above.

• enjoy a "last meal" of favorite foods

This I have been doing non-stop since last Friday.  The issue here is instead of remembering it was supposed to be one last meal, I have been quite focused on eating whatever "prohibited" food (emphasis mine) one last time.  After a week of bacchanalia I feel pretty shitty.

• start keeping a journal

I'm doing that here.  I hope to keep it up this time.

• practice (the dreaded) Dragon Stands Between Heaven and Earth every day for as long as you can

Oops.  I forgot that this was part of Preparation Week.

The now and the now and the now

A few weeks ago I went to Terra with Tiina and ended up having a bite to eat rather than just a cuppa.

I love eating out.  But eating out does not love one who eschews sugar and grains.  It remains a challenge to balance these parts of me.  One thing I look forward to about doing Dragon's Way is taking a break from this challenge by removing both, in essence, from the equation for awhile.

As wonderful as Terra is in all its fair trade locally sourced organic goodness, it has become hard for me to eat there because just about everything has grains or legumes or sugar in it.  Intrigued, I saw they had a new addition to the menu: you can have any sandwich with a brown rice wrap.  Rice is grain, yes, but I was peckish.  I had the special "panini" with local cheddar and fresh tomato.  It was good.

Fast forward to now.  The week before doing Dragon's Way, as it is encouraged, I think about the foods that I anticipate letting go.  And savor them.  

I haven't been into meat lately.  The pastured lamb is staying in the freezer for now.  Having already let go of grains and sugar there hasn't really been much in the time-to-say-goodbye department.

Turns out, what I want to enjoy now is hot wraps.

I can pluck the Terra lunch and Pure Wraps experiences from different spots on my recent timeline.  And they bring me here.  The Pure Wraps whet my appetite for the wrap.  But, they don't work well "hot" because of the high coconut oil content.  While I am on the precipice of a cleanse...might as well indulge.

Breakfast: brown rice wrap heated in cast iron with thin slices of raw Mahón cheese (of course I discover a new favorite cheese just prior to bidding dairy adieu)...with the last big dollop of leftover saag panner.

Yum.

: :    : :    : :

Back to planning our Philly weekend.  It is so much work, but fun.  Late last night a series of wonderful strokes of initiative and luck and flow came together and we bought tickets to a Phillies game.  

The Phillies are Sag's second favorite baseball team and he had hoped to go to a game while we were in Philly.  I don't really pay attention to sports unless it pertains to Red Sox, Celtics or Patriots, and even then, my attention is fickle.  So, I was surprised and dismayed when Phillies tickets, this early in the season, versus the Mets for heaven's sake, were impossible to get through the team's website.

The tickets available on StubHub were prohibitive by cost and/or seat location.  We moved on.

Until the wee hours of last night.  I had Friday densely mapped out and Sunday was fully planned.  Saturday I had figured out the first half of the day.  Something about going back to the hotel for an afternoon swim followed by dinner in suburban Philly, which would actually be South Jersey, seemed...anticlimactic and not very "Philly".

I remembered that the Phillies game we'd hoped to attend was Saturday in the late afternoon.  The blank slot in my sheaf of notes was calling out for something...and the game would truly fit the celebrating-Sag's-tenth-birthday-vacation vibe.

So I went back to the Phillies website.  No tickets.  Went back to StubHub.  I clicked back and forth between the two sites to get the views from various far flung sections of the stadium.  Gem is afraid of heights, particularly in open spaces, so all of these sections were dicey.  Cap and I could easily imagine scenarios of Gem freezing in his tracks faced with a flight of stairs ending in the heavens to get to nosebleed seats. 

I was about to throw in the towel.  I was scrolling into ticket costs pushing the extreme outer limits of our budget...when, I saw the word "infield".  Huh?!  There they were.  Four seats together, on the aisle, no less, at field level (though I have a hunch we are in the very back row), right behind home plate.  And the price, though pricey (and not as pricey as Red Sox tickets), was doable.

So lucky.  It turned out the we got the tickets at cost plus the StubHub handling fee.  I think they might have been tickets that became available through the Phillies organization at the last minute.  The boy is happy, the weather forecast is fantastic, we are stoked for this trip!

: :    : :    : :

Off to help the kids begin photocopying their comic book creations for the Craft and Bake Sale (next Monday), blend up some smoothies and meet up with friends for Ultimate.  Then those sliders and sweet potato fries which did not get made last night, folding laundry, packing, planning and preparing road food, and putting the finishing touches on the weekend's itinerary.

Vacuuming would be good, too.

Peace and love.

What's digesting

Next Monday I'm starting a Dragon's Way practice.  I am quietly gearing up and looking forward to it.  In the meantime, I am "being" in the process of finishing up/letting go of dairy and meat consumption.

cheddar cheese eggs and "Japanese" pork.

The "Japanese" pork is Berkshire pork kiriotoshi from Mitsuwa.  Kiriotoshi literally means "cut and dropped".  These are the pieces left over from portioning/slicing off larger cuts of this tasty meat.  It's still $14/lb, but a 1/2 lb of these delectable and thin slices cooks up in a breeze and is enough to feed the kids and me ($2.50/serving).  (I just sauté in olive oil and season with salt and pepper.)

I have some lamb in the freezer that I may stew this week before going off meat for six weeks.  I plan on savoring my milky teas this week.  I will peruse my paper and digital files for recipes and plan out a week or two of veg and fruit heavy dishes.

My efforts in planning and preparing gluten-free and Paleo/Primal meals for our weekend in Massachusetts really paid off.  Two coolers and two sacks for two nights and three days.  Oh, yes.

We went out to dinner Friday night with Jake and Evie (Cap's dad and his companion).  Gem chose the restaurant, a Japanese-Chinese restaurant he likes (here he is at the restaurant's original location in 2003...we took him out to lunch after his very first day at preschool). 

 for a kick, compare this pic with the shot of him yesterday titled "flow"!

hint: here is studying a mini-poster of his then passion, Thomas and friends.

I had tuna tataki and an avocado and "crab" salad.  The crabstick is made with wheat.  I knew that it did and decided to order it anyway.

I also had one of Jay's latkes later that night with a dollop of sour cream.  I knew it was going to satisfy and I figured I'd already had some wheat anyway.  The rest of the weekend I ate what I had brought up with me, except for the Easter ham and homemade au gratin potatoes.

And I felt great.  Gem, too.

Sleeping away from home generally means less quality sleep.  And sitting in the car for five hours in each direction...  It all adds up, but I have been feeling good.  I was very present all weekend and took delight in so much.  Back home, I haven't been plagued by the usual lethargy post-trip.  (The marathon tv-watching tiredness was a separate issue.)

Vinny noted today how responsive my body/system is (I like to think "springy" or "bouncy").  The chaotic transition time seems to be making way for some good Spring rebirth.

Peace and love.

 

Mellifluous monday

When I saw his very serious portrait-of-the-artist face, my heart burst.  This three year old is so special to me.  The drawings are "Wind".

He and his mom and I went to the bookstore, post office, art store and then lunch.  They are my errand buddies.

This afternoon, I helped the kids put together handwork project baskets.  Sag is going to sew a Creeper plush and Gem is going to loom knit a hat.

I ended up staying up late watching the Oscars last night (it was worth seeing/hearing Meryl get her award), but woke with the sun.  Went right to the kitchen...put some things away and then practiced the Dragon's Way series of Qigong movements.  Toasted some walnuts, drizzled honey on and ate them with some watermelon chunks.  Opted for Raspberry Earl with honey and milk for my morning tea.

I did not take a walk this morning, but got out with Leo and Danielle later on.

I had an interesting time at the art store...(reminded me that for some, maybe many, folks this kind of thing is all unconscious and much simpler)...I was checking out lightboxes after being inspired reading Julie's blog this morning.

My tendencies run toward instant gratification and to buy the best quality thing.  Not great qualities to have when shopping on a tight budget.  This is why I ran into such trouble with credit cards for many years.

Today, I was leaning towards the LED lightboxes, which were much more expensive than their lightbulb in a plastic box counterparts.  But, I surprised myself by deciding not to make a move and letting go of my need for instant gratification.  I think my smoothed out brain chemistry has clearly and significantly tamped down my need for quick sparks of (meaningless yet perceived as meaningful) pleasure.

It probably helped that I wasn't leaving the shop quite empty-handed.  I found a wooden table top easel for $20 and also picked up a piece of foam board which we can use to tape watercolor paper onto for watercolor painting.

It's been a good day.  I give the Qigong almost all the credit.  It was so grounding...and felt so good even as it was made very clear how stagnant my energy is in spots (so tight in my hips!)  I am looking forward to it again tomorrow.

Off to make some dinner.  Peace and love.

Juggle

Sometimes it's all we can do to just hold everything.  But, when it's too much, holding brings us to a stop.  Or, we keep moving, but drop things.

This morning I decided to juggle and let some different balls drop into my hands.

So, this week, I'm bagging "table activities" and focusing on cleaning up.  The living room declutter, which is about 2/3 done, has ground to a stop.  The other rooms have been lying fallow.  My goal is not to finish anything, just to simply direct attention and mindfulness.

The other thing I've decided is to focus on Qigong practice and detangle from the food thing.  I am actually sick of eggs (I know) because my need for protein has been so consistent and nuts have not been quite cutting it.

So, this morning, I cleaned out the fridge to take stock of what's in there that is edible.  (I didn't wash it down, so don't look too closely in the pic :-)  Then, I zipped over to the farmer's market (too cold for tennis this morning so the kids stayed home with Cap) and picked up meat, dairy, veg and fruit.

I will continue eating Dragon-y veg and fruit, but am going to supplement with a rotation of proteins in moderation.  Between increased practice and a nice variety of food, I think my gearing-up-for-Winter body will be satisfied.

Now, I will go peel and core many, many apples for apple sauce.  And make something yummy for the kids' post-pool lunch.  Later, five hours with my man...maybe a movie, maybe dinner out, maybe a drive somewhere...

Stomach

Hmm.  My structures are falling apart and my stomach is involved.

Sunday, the day of Comic Con, I had a Dragon-y breakfast...I don't remember exactly what, but it was most likely a handful of toasted walnuts.

I brought some cashews and an apple with me for lunch.  But, I only ate maybe three cashews.  No apple, nothing to drink.

In between, there was an hour's drive to Queens, an hour of subway and walking to the conference center in Manhattan, five and a half hours in the conference center, and an hour of walking and subway back to Lisa and Takai's.

So, I held it together, but wise food/eating choices did fall by the wayside.

By the time I was collapsing onto my sister-in-law's couch, I wasn't even hungry.  But, I knew I should eat.  Tortilla chips, salsa, hummus, crackers and cheese were on the table.  I ate my apple and had some cheese.  I wanted protein, but beans have been giving me digestive problems, so although I had cut out cheese with Dragon's Way starting, I went for it.

For dinner I had one piece of beef short rib, a bite of roasted chicken and a pile of string beans with mushrooms (those mushrooms sang on my taste buds).  For dessert I had half a Mutsu apple (I stared down the GFCF apple pie Cap made, but I truly felt nothing...not even the tiniest stirring of craving...so weird!)

Monday I was a wet noodle.  A wet noodle who was craving protein so strongly that she ate four eggs (across two meals).  I also had a stomach ache so acute in the late afternoon that it was hard to walk/stand.  And I ended up skipping Dragon's Way class, reluctantly.

The protein craving continued today.  As did the swinging of utterly foul mood which, sadly for him, kept manifesting as resentment and anger towards my partner.  (Reparations have been made and we've agreed a night out together, sans kids, before he leaves for the west coast again this weekend, would be great.)

As soon as I am finished with Dandelion Fire (which has been my oasis today), I am going to move onto the third section of Women Food and God, entitled Food.  My emotional stuff seems rooted in deep and overwhelming feelings of rejection.  Old and mysterious stuff which is not real in the here and now, yet has been coloring my last 48 hours with the intensity of Sharpies.

I fried up some kielbasy for the kids this afternoon.  Daniel was over and he loves the stuff, too.  Well, something snapped...or let go...and despite not eating meat this week (this week being as of yesterday), scarfed down five or six pieces.  They were yummy, warm and oh, so very satisfying.  (This was within an hour of making and eating some spiced roasted nuts...the protein craving has been intense!)

Soon after, my stomach started to hurt again.  And I just didn't feel well. 

Even an hour later, while putting the kids dinner together (which Cap had prepped), I felt "green".

I knew things were haywire when Sag asked for a side of meat sauce (leftover from his dinner last night) and after I spooned some into his bowl, I scooped a spoonful of the sauce for myself before putting it away.  It tasted so good I thought I'd have some for dinner on my Paleo bread.

By the time my bread was toasted, my desire for the sauce had passed, no doubt by the new tightening around my stomach (from the spoonful I'd just had).  I had eggs instead.

There are some meridian spots running up the outside of my right thigh that are angry.  Last night in bed, I felt a piercing pain about 3/4 of the way up, nearly at my hip bone.  In the dark, I could feel a painful bump and couldn't tell if it was a nodule or a bug bite.  I had Cap come see and he confirmed it was not an insect bite.  He could feel it, but could not see it.  No redness (on the outside anyway).

I am curious as to whether it's a stomach spot or not.  I see Vinny tomorrow...I hope I remember to ask him.

(By the way, the meat is not the cause of my stomach woes.  I have been eating meat with no problems for months.  By doing Dragon's Way, I am in a process of healing which is likely highlighting a problem spot: my stomach.  And, it may not literally be my stomach, but something going on, or not, in my stomach "system".  I tell you, I love this Traditional Chinese Medicine stuff.)

You know, as clearly as my stomach/stomach system needs attention, it isn't helpful to see it as the starting point for whatever is going on right now.  Life, and living, is one continual process.  Why I am experiencing what I am experiencing...there is not just one reason.  Trying to single out a reason, I honestly believe, is pointless.

What is more helpful and productive, is to be present with whatever is happening, as uncomfortable as that may be, and move forward from there.  (For me, the discomfort is both physical, like my stomach aches, but also, emotional/psychic, dealing with shame and self-criticism.)  So today, I rested.  I allowed my book to transport me.  I am continuing on in my quest to build up more and more Qi.

The latest twists in my journey (especially going sugar- and grain-free) have seen a leveling off of some of the more "crazy" highs and lows that I have experienced since adolescence.  And as good as I have been feeling, I do miss those crazy highs sometimes.

The last 48 hours have brought back some of the crazy lows.  Nothing sustained...but very raw patches nonetheless.  It doesn't have to mean anything...it just sucks...and is.

What I like about Women Food and God (and working with Vinny, and being in relationship with Cap, the kids, and my family and friends...) is that I gain glimpses of understanding by being with it/them.  Knowledge that breeds compassion...qualitatively different from analysis...though I cannot explain this any better at the moment.

As I get to know myself better, much layers itself intuitively.  I can't necessarily articulate it.  Maybe that is because I am more in the sapped column of Qi right now.  I can feel the pendulum swinging back up.  And my face relaxes into a smile for the first time in awhile.

Busy is the new...Qi?

There seems to be no stopping this Fall.

Sag played tennis with Max at 9am this morning.  (An hour that normally finds us barely out of our night clothes.)  The kid is enthused.  I see tennis racquets in our future.

Gem and I went to the Farmer's Market.  We picked up Dragon-y veg for me and meat for the rest of the family.

Sag swam at 11am.  Gem sat out to rest his body (the cold has already peaked).

Dropped the kids off at Danielle's and went food shopping.  And to Staples for more paper.

By the time I unloaded the groceries and put them away, it was time to fetch the kids.  (I did get to sit for a bit with my friend and chat.)

We were home for about 15 minutes.  Then it was up to campus to collect Cap and on to our comic book store.  The owner really came through for us and hooked us up with two passes for New York Comic Con! 

Once home, I put together the braised beef short ribs to bring to Queens tomorrow, and popped it into the oven.

Then, I sat for a bit.  This was followed by checking in to my online stuff.  Home school skiing/snowboarding!  Nixed by Gem.  Blogs blah, blah.  Facebook blah, blah.  More messages regarding a high school mini-reunion shaping up in NYC in a couple of weeks.  Someone from my seventh grade homeroom (or, official class, as we called it in our school) is flying in from L.A. and instigated the whole thing.  I'm looking forward to it.  I'd like to get my 'hausfrau hair' cut before said get together.

Cap made dinner for the kids and himself, I made dinner for myself.  He's giving me another reprieve from kid dinner making so I can give full attention to cutting out meat from my Dragon-y diet.  I'm getting a week, which will help me on my way as I finish out four more weeks of Dragon's Way.

After dinner we explored the Comic Con website.  Sag wants to go to the Adventure Time/Regular Show panel, Gem wants to go to the Sonic/Mega Man panel.  Of course, they are at the same time.  So we will split up.

There are children to coax to sleep early, laundry to be folded, calendars to sync, and a partner who I'd like to give some attention to.  We have an early morning tomorrow.  We'll be driving to Queens, depositing the short ribs and GFCF apple pie (Cap will be baking tonight) and then taking the subway to the convention center.  They open at 10am and the panels start at 10:45.

Busy is the new I-don't-know-what.  Not busy?  I am starting to get the feeling that this busy-ness is connected to new energy/Qi.  And that, in a way, I am not used to having this level of energy.  I definitely had moments of feeling overwhelmed having my period start while Cap was away.  But, generally, this is all good.

This is a pic of my Guild loot.  When Cap was in Sacramento, he stayed with Erika and Jerry and Malachi.  Jerry caught whiff of my Guild fandom on Facebook.  Turns out he is friendly with someone involved with The Guild and he had this loot waiting for Cap to bring home.  Lucky me :-)  I mention it here now because a) I am backlogged in photos, and b) Felicia Day is at New York Comic Con and I may catch a glimpse of her.  I will be wearing my Knights of Good t-shirt, geeking out.

Hope the weekend is bringing you some peace and love.

Ch-ch-ch-changes

Two days ago I started a second post about flow that I couldn't finish.  Maybe I will later today.

Yesterday was supposed to be a beach day (celebrating a common meal friend's birthday), but Sag had a stomachache and fever so it turned into a quiet, healing day. 

Gem caught up in his Math (he expressed satisfaction and pride in a way that, upon reflection, he doesn't often get the opportunity to) and scored an 89% on the chapter test (I joked with him that that was an 'Asian F'...he didn't get it...anyone else watch Glee? ;-)

I finished 100 Cupboards, a YA novel that Daniel recommended.  I loved it.  I have put in a request to the library for the second book (it's a trilogy).  I nursed some GI difficulty myself later on in the day.

Sag took it easy.  He played on the iPad, he played Minecraft (it took some perseverance, but we figured out how to upload the latest pre-release update), and he strummed on his electric guitar (a child size one we gave him a few years ago).

We enjoyed a cozy evening watching Ice Age for the first time.  It was funny and delightful.

This morning we have already been food shopping and are nestling in for the rest of the day.  Sag's almost completely better, my gut showed itself to still be sensitive while we were out and Gem's system seems to be holding it together for now (after a slightly fragile evening).

It's tough to really sink into Dragon's Way while tending to two kids sans partner.  But, I have continued with the walnuts and honey breakfast, have cut out coconut juice entirely and am drinking only herbal tea with honey.  I've been finishing off the leftovers I've had in the fridge that don't conform to the guidelines (ie. the chimichurri is raw, the ground pork I cooked up mid-week).

Tomorrow, I will transition more completely to Level 1 food.

I mentioned I was hungry in my last post.  I realized later on that day that despite feeling "hungry" (and, really, just the awareness of hunger feels like "hunger" to me because I am so unaccustomed to that feeling...) I had plenty of energy.  I went about my morning and was very productive, very much in flow.  No weakness, no dizziness, etc.

After eating a more substantial lunch, I was tired!

It's almost as if I also don't recognize this more quiet energy as "energy" yet.  The more frenetic, buzz of energy that I recognize, is an ultimately tiring kind of energy...  Interesting...I am relearning what it is to feel certain, authentic and primal things.

One of the things I've never quite gotten my head around is how Master Lu talks about eating until 70% full.  The ability to sense this accurately feels completely foreign to me.  People can do that?!  But, this time (I think this is the third time I am doing DW), I am beginning to see that I can feel something between "hungry" and "full"...and that I can achieve this after eating.

I don't eat slowly enough to really feel it while I'm eating yet.  But, I can definitely manipulate how much I eat, visually and mentally, to put me on course to eat till I am 70%ish full.  I can still feel the pulling on my mind that what I see on my plate is not "enough" food.  But, the calm in my mind is stronger now and I eat and then I feel...satisfied.

When the calm is pushed into the background and I have my mind on things like finishing food off, like the loaf of Paleo bread that finally came out without being undercooked in the center, which I do not want to throw away, but I don't want to freeze it either...or my mind is whirled about in a dance of creative fantasy and I think the leftover ground pork needs to be nestled in sautéd shallots and softly scrambled pastured eggs...as they say in Project Runway, my editing skills are railroaded...and I feel stuffed...I go over the top.

And, as I mentioned above, I feel tired afterward.  (As my digestive system churns up my energy to work on the overload of food.)

Things are better, though.  When I'm tired, I am not tired for as long as I used to be.  I am also not as completely tired.  It can feel global, but after some rest, I am able to move on much more quickly than before.

I am sleeping so much better.

My moods, which can still pop up or down unpredictably, regulate much smoother and quicker after those rushes or dips.

I am keeping an eye out on the numbers on the scale.  I don't need the number to tell me whether I am feeling good or not, but dropping the number on the scale has been a part of this experiment for me from the start (the numbers of my blood work, too...for my next birthday, in January, I am planning on having a meeting with our family doc to see where all my numbers are).

The plateau is over and I have dropped five more pounds.  Breaking the 160 barrier was something.  I was about 160 when I became pregnant, both times.  I've been in close vicinity of 160 most of my adult life.  Times I've traveled above that have been stress times, times I've sunk below that have been stress times, too.

When I began this latest experiment of modifying what I eat/do, I was above 160 (by 15).  My blood numbers (most recently taken three+ years ago) were elevated, too. 

Going to Barcelona, in May, opened my eyes to the fact that I was, at core, stronger than I would have expected.  I withstood ten days of international travel (crossing time zones, very little sleep/jet lag, lots of walking despite normally being sedentary, different eating/food routines) with no issues.  No aches or pains, no GI problems.

When I turned 40, I embraced the beginning of the rest of my life.  Now, at 45, I am grabbing consciousness close and sculpting myself...inside and out, to better enjoy the rest of my days.

I am grateful to be experiencing some very real changes.  Thanks for being a part of it, with me.

Peace and love.

Hungry

Decided to have ten toasted walnut halves with my rosemary honey from Barcelona for breakfast.  Another step of easing into Level 1 eating.

I just heaved a big wicker basket of laundry down two flights of stairs (teetering in my clogs, next time "sensible" shoes).

I'm hungry.

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