Doing the math

I read this short piece on The Necessary Art of Subtraction recently.  The wisdom/strategy is obvious and simple, yet easy to miss.

My tendency is to add...and see how the chips fall in terms of what gets subtracted.  I find it difficult to actively subtract.

Here is what I have added and subtracted in these days after Thanksgiving and before Winter Solstice:

+

• dosage of magnesium supplement (really helps my sleep)

• meditation (doing the 10-day free trial)

• Qigong

• setting an alarm to wake up

-

• cane sugar

• grains

• dairy

Decluttering, keeping up with household cleaning, and tightening up the household budget continue to be glaring areas of need.  What must I subtract in order to bring these aspects of responsibility into the fold of my present intention/attention?

(post-sauna selfie in Plympton.)

Peace and love.

A few things

I am riding out a viral/hormonal/seasonal thing.  Shifts in and out of various states of being, on a daily basis, keeping me on my proverbial toes (actually I am spending much time in pajamas, stuck in the apartment).

I am nourishing myself with sleep, food, Qigong, books, movies and knitting.  I am finding that waking earlier is helpful to "productivity" because I am perkiest in the morning, and my system likes the tone that is set by waking early.  The flow gets going in earnest, uninterrupted, in the quiet.

Wake, practice Qigong, putter in the kitchen (put away items from day before + mentally or physically prepare + plan food stuff for the day), make a cup of tea...  This takes a good 60-90 minutes, I find.

I am noticing that I feel "better" (hard to quantify) if I stay off the laptop/cell phone till afternoon (which, frankly, leaves less time/attention for my internets activity, which have its uses and benefits...so it's not all good.)

Cabbage steam-sautéed in duck fat with an onion, seasoned with salt.  I think my Dad would love this.  It's yummy, but my digestive system has some reservations.

Celery root, or celeriac, is something I likely would never have tried if I weren't in a CSA.  I think they're beautiful.  And, surprisingly, I think they are delicious.  (Celery, along with carrots, were my absolute hated veg growing up.)

This breakfast made me happy: sunny side up eggs, sweet potato and celery root hash, and daikon kimchi.

I am totally surprised to have knitting suddenly come back into my life.  I had an idea for a project, found a pattern to my liking via Ravelry, bought the yarn last weekend when Cap and I went out for lunch, and my needles have been clicking away.  I'll post more when I can (the project involves a bit of secrecy, for now).

This book was amazing.  Very creative and clever.  So many of its subjects and themes resonated with me...it was uncanny.  I can't say enough about it.  I tried, over at Goodreads, and though my review was heartfelt, it was kind of clumsy.

I enjoyed this graphic novel very much.  I loved her illustrations, her stories, her recipes...I was tickled to have my food mind expanded by such an unassuming, yet engaging, young writer.

This movie blew my mind, ripped my heart out, and yet, made me glad to be alive.  Stunning, gorgeous, heartbreaking...so complex.  The direction was unbelievable, such a tour-de-force.  The ensemble was incredible, each performance utterly mesmerizing (the actors played multiple characters).  Tom Hanks has never done anything for me...but, wow.  He was really good in this.

Peace and love.

Laying low

I am under...something. The weather, my hormones, the season...

Healing myself with some ginger-lemon-honey tea...with evening primrose oil, with vitamin D. With books...and movies.

And with knitting. It has been about two years since I have knit something. I am knitting Elizabeth Zimmerman's Snail Hat for the kids and their cousins.

Peace and love.

Priming to unfurl

I am finding the season inspiring despite its tendency to throw down the gauntlet year after year.  (C'mon, I dare you to grow.)  Greens popping up in lovely varieties.  Seasonal delights like music to all of my senses.  Energy pulsing crescendo bursting at seams.

Islands of quiet provide respite...but the current keeps pulling me along.  I think this time of year is hardest for me in terms of being highly sensitive-ish.  The impulse of the natural world in Spring is undeniable and absolute...in supernatural overdrive.  Grow, strive, reach...(re)create, (re)birth, (re)new...there is no choice, there is no exit.  Resistance is not only futile, it is inviting Thanatos in for a cuppa.

I spent this morning with Kelly.  So, so long overdue.  We talked and talked and I was able to unpackage some of my feelings of the last weeks into a thought: Spring has made me her bitch this year (as she so often does)...but I have held steady.  I've been bending and bending and overall have been quiet and tired.  But, I have not broken.  I have definitely retreated, but I have not invited Thanatos in...(or have I)?

Concretely:

• I have been expressing my emotions more.  (Good for me, but hard for me and good and bad for those closest to me.)

• I have been facing my mortality, gaining some understanding of aging and more clearly seeing the rest of my life.  The last few weeks have been an opportunity to improve my health and my ego has been steadfast in doing what it does best: toot its own horn.  The id has been strong (fueled by the life energy of Spring?):  I want to do what I want to do.  Then ego chimes in: sure, be in the present, this moment is forever, live it!  For many, many years, super-ego would then rant and rave about laziness, slothfulness, shamefulness, gluttony, selfishness, etc.  But, the last few weeks, super-ego has been quite constructively critical.  It has been patiently and quietly saying: you can have more energy, you know what to do, you have the capacity...and it is time to understand that you are insisting on making withdrawals on your qi account when you are at a stage of life when making deposits is no-way-around-it crucial (using some Dragon's Way speak there).

• I have been feeding my urge for more plant-based meals.

• I have been sleeping a bit more, though not consistently well.  I still wake up tired more often than not...but subtly less so.

• I have not been going to the Y...the last time I worked out was Easter weekend.  I have been taking walks and practicing Qigong.

• I have been enjoying ice cream with splashes of PX sherry in the evenings.

• I have been reading anew.  (I do not know if I will ever knit again.)

• I have been experiencing a distinct boost of vitality in the boudoir.

• I have been happier despite the bouts of fatigue and retreat.

Peace and love.

The week

We've been taking walks and it got hot.

Cooking up carrot-tofu scramble for Gem.

Our meat guy at the farmer's market has had Brussels sprouts for the last few weeks.  Not organic, but so fresh and lovely.

Love noticing the plates we are still using from my childhood.  I remember these plates coming out of the Mikasa box and being so thrilled.  (The steak, a rare boneless rib-eye, was delish.)

Fantastic book.  Loved it.  Gonna buy it.  (This was a library read.)  I'm a wannabe physics geek, but do believe this would appeal to folks from various walks of life.

My body/energy/hormones have been nutty.  Think slog.  Vinny put three of these little pressure things on my right ear to help me this week.

The heat in the atmosphere, the heat gathering in my body, particularly rising to my head...all roads lead to iced coffee!

Lists have been helpful this week to pull my sh*t together.  The universe's gift to ADDishness.

The change in weather has also meant: pesto.

Moments like this serve as a reminder: I am so, so lucky.  And grateful.  This time with my kids...I am so blessed.

Special treat: Grace went to Hawaii and brought back chocolate to sell in the store.  She knows freaks like me will plunk down $10 for a unique bar.

It was worth it.  Fruity and floral, flavorful and bouncy.  Once in a lifetime bar.

This book is a revelation.  Quietly disquieting.  It's making me gawk and making me laugh.  It's breaking my heart.

He has had these Spider-Man pajamas since he was around five.  He loves them and still squeezes into them.

The weather is in transition.  Cold and wet today.

Heard this lovely Roberta Flack cover of a Bee Gees song on The Americans this week.  It was an emotional scene and the song heightened the gorgeousness of the visuals wonderfully.

Peace and love.

Cook cook cook

A quickie because I have been in the kitchen all day and want to read for an hour before things start back up for dinner.

Bone broth with ginger and garlic.  Sag has a cold but he didn't like this.  Too oily, he said.  Crap.  Plying him with other fluids.

The flu is knocking down our friends left and right.  I'm making three pot roasts in three days...recovery from these particular strains is slow and appetites are returning before the strength to cook.  Tucking desserts into the care packages, too.  Today, banana-coconut cookies.

I am trying to eat more fish...I made Sally's tuna salad again.  This is such a great recipe.  Yum.

There's a pork roast coming out of the slow cooker in a couple of hours.  I can't remember if the kids like this iteration or not.  Trying to get better about writing notes on recipes...though I cannot rely on my brain to remember to read the notes.

(On the tuna salad recipe I made a note that I used 1/2 a lemon rather than the 1 called for.  Totally missed it today, used the whole lemon and it's edible, but it really was too much lemon for me.)

Off to my book, UnWholly.

Peace.

Night time

Tonight: broke out the essential oil infuser because Gem was stuffy.  Lemongrass.  Poor thing threw up for a couple of hours.  I am pretty certain it was from post nasal drip irritation and not a GI bug.  He hadn't eaten anything since breakfast (he felt crappy all day) so it was the tiniest amounts of liquid brought up by powerful heaves.

Sag had fun with Cap co-creating a comic book.  Then proceeded to have a very tough time falling asleep.  This afternoon he had an intense session with Vinny to work out the kinks of his gymnastics injury.  (Did I mention he hurt his neck?)  I explained to Sag that sometimes after intense bodywork with Vinny I feel kind of uneasy as the "stuff" that was loosened up works itself through my system before it departs.

Cap and I were going to watch Avengers tonight...both kids are finally asleep, but it may be too late to start.

Peace.

Equinox eve

This image is called Autumn Vibration.  Happy Autumnal Equinox.

I have popped a couple of sleep aid herbs.  Again.  It's been happening more and more often.  I felt a little bit like an addict when I asked Vinny if I could have another bottle of them this week.  They are not addictive in and of themselves...but I feel like I am not taking full responsibility for my actions knowing I can fall back on taking them on nights I feel I can't fall right asleep.

Or I could be rationalizing.

I feel a bit manic tonight.  But, I have had caffeine and sugar this evening.  It could be externally chemical.  I have felt out of control in various ways the last few weeks.  Something clicked for me today.  I did many things which should have made me feel happy.  But, they didn't.

A walk in the woods, shopping at Fairway (a foodie heaven) for the first time, watching two movies, spending the day with the whole family, lamb samosas, triple caramel chunk ice cream...  I was out of sync.  I appreciated all these things...but the appreciation barely nicked the surface of my feelings.

Which brings me to another thought: it's strange how functional I can appear when I am experiencing such disconnect.  To most, not to everyone.  The kids know something is up.  Their well being has been disintegrating this week and today they were both quite fragile.

Is this the rationalizing?

It doesn't matter.  And I don't mean to alarm anyone.  I have enough mental clarity and, hopefully, the wherewithal, to put some strategies into play.  I've asked Cap to help, though, his self-preservation instincts may kick in involuntarily.  I have been beastly to him this week.

Last week I went to bed earlier.  That helped me wake up earlier...but it didn't make me practice Qigong or get out to walk.

On deck:

• practice Qigong every day: 4 energy gates, Dragon's Way movements and squatting.

• no sugar, no grains, no dairy, no legumes, no vegetable oils (except olive oil).

• go outside/take a walk every day.  even if it's just around the block.

My energy, and hence my productivity, vitality and joy, are all down.  I don't know what happened, but, again, it doesn't matter.  I know there are things I can do, all for free, all at my fingertips, which will help.

Sleep will follow.  Mindful activity will follow.  I've been floundering.  It's time to walk a different path.

Peace.

P.S.  I'm thinking this will mean less time on the laptop.  Hopefully I won't stray too far or long from the blog.

Burst

Underwater.  In stasis.

Flummoxed.  Dismayed. 

I had a tiny bit of PMS at the end of last cycle.  Then DMS (during menstrual syndrome) after my period started which was more intense.  Then after barely a week in between I went into what I was jokingly describing as POS (pre-ovulation syndrome).  Which I've never experienced before.

I ain't laughing anymore.  Last night I experienced a powerful surge of chemical storminess that had me flailing and shrieking for a lifeline.  Problem is, how I am feeling doesn't translate well during such moments and I appeared to Cap a bitter and angry hormonal maniac.

Two things happened back-to-back that on a "normal" day I would find barely to a little annoying.  I know because they are things that have happened before.  Familiar.  When I am PMS hormonal, these familiar non-events suddenly bloom into problems with no solutions and drive me crazy. 

I take it personally, really hard.

In the last year or so, the surges have not been so difficult/I have found it easier to ride them out while silencing the beast, so to speak.  I've been much more able to just keep my mouth shut knowing that how I felt was going to pass.

Not so much last night.  I opened my mouth wide and the scream was not silent.

Fury, hurt, fear (of rejection), utter and base desperation...where does it all come from?  Is it old stuff buried/held in me?  Is it less emotional and more powerfully chemical (from having consumed more grain/gluten lately...from having switched up my herbs...from a new perimenopausal level reached)?

Unleashed.  Unhinged.

After my system, which literally felt like it blew up, restored some equilibrium, hindsight refocused immediately to 20/20.  But, by then, the damage had been done to my partner.  It was a TKO and he climbed into bed before I did.  Which, almost never happens.  Unless he's sick.

I attacked.  Viral (hopefully not bacterial).  Took my baby down.

My blood was throbbing.  I took some emergency herbs.  Watched the penultimate episode of Weeds on my laptop.  And went to bed.

One kid climbed in and then another.  Their warm bodies anchored me as I was buffeted about by dreary dreams.  When I awoke, I swear, my belly felt crampy.  My first thought: am I getting my period again (two weeks early)?  My second thought: am I having a miscarriage (even though, technically, structurally, there is no way this could be true)?

Lingering crazy.  (But that's how strong the throes were last night.  I felt like I was in the clutches of something impossible.)

In TCM, an episode of diarrhea can be viewed positively.  It's an example of the body/system expelling something that had been stuck...something that it doesn't need or want.  I am wondering if I can take this perspective with last night's episode of what felt like chemical/emotional vomiting.

At least now that this has happened, I can raise my awareness and cordon myself off next time: to spew in private and clean myself up before re-entering relationship to others.  Interestingly, I have never liked vomiting (I know...who does?)  Something about the loss of control...

(I have a deep old rusty need to keep stuff in.  In such diametric opposition to my Aquarian nature.  Maybe this is why my shoulders/neck are so tight lately?)

I can see now that when I am feeling that PMS-y vomit coming on, I have an instinct to latch onto Cap for protection. 

For saving.

But, no one can save you from vomiting.  The instinct might feel real, but in reality it simply doesn't make sense.  Vomit needs to happen, it's actually good for you, and it is unstoppable.

Listen to your body.

I'm outie.  Busy day ahead.  Thank you for reading.

Peace.

O sleep

Each of the last few days has been revelatory in the new pockets of energy experienced.  With the energy has come more smiles, more laughter and more peace.

Last night, though...a sleep setback. 

The post-common meal hungries were particularly strong (the kids and Cap often need a second dinner because they didn't get too distracted playing and not liking the food).  I enjoyed a dinner plate of salad with roasted chicken and feta cheese and a piece of watermelon for dessert, but in this post-ovulation second half of my cycle...I was hungry again a few hours later.

10pm last night I was chatting in the kitchen with Cap while he made me a signature, masterful, grilled cheese sandwich (Udi's white sandwich bread buttered with Kerrygold sprinkled with garlic powder on one side...my cheese last night was smoked gouda).  And then I stayed up till midnight watching the Olympics.

I fell asleep pretty quickly and went into dream sleep again.  Can I digress?  I had noticed...for at least the past few years...that I was no longer remembering my dreams.  It never occurred to me, I don't know why, that I wasn't remembering because I wasn't having them.  Since the weekend, I have been waking up remembering my lengthy and cinematic dreams.  They've had lots of narrative and suspenseful tension.  It has been a homecoming of sorts and I've come to feel that I am sleeping not only longer, but more deeply for a longer stretch of the night, thanks to the herbs.

Sleep deprivation is an insidious and bad thing for well-being.  My eyes have been opened (no pun intended...but I like it) to how significant an obstacle it had become in my own path of healing.  I see Vinny again today.  I'm glad to have some observations to report and wonder what he'll say.

This morning, I was roused from dream-sleep by the clattering clamor of a powerful downpour on the metal box in the bedroom window that has kept me sane this persistently hot and/or humid summer.  A disharmonic convergence.  My eyes couldn't unsee the daylight, my stomach couldn't unfeel the late night sandwich deposit, my mind couldn't unwake the abrupt transition from my olympic dream.

Less than six hours of sleep.  And a rain system pressed down on us for the duration of the day.  I feel tired...but not as tired as I felt when I first got out of bed nearly two hours ago.  I feel happy...I feel the energy of possibility.  And that?  Pretty wonderful.

12

He took a rare tumble racing his brother from the car to the house.  (He was born cautious.)  He was stoked because he won anyway.  His dirt-slapped knees reddening by the second sent me back to my own childhood summers.  (I was not born cautious.)

He was so calm as he assured me that, no he didn't need my help, nor my instructions.  He knew what to do.  He cleaned himself up and opted for calendula over Neosporin.  (That he let me apply gently with my fingertips.)

Can you see what he's reading?  The kids were introduced to The Hunger Games playing Minecraft.  Gem decided to try reading the books, aware that they are somewhat darker than his usual fare.

(Yesterday at the library, I mistakenly put a copy of Dragonball Z in his hands thinking it was Doctor Slump.  "Oh, your aunt loved these when she was a kid!"  He was pretty shocked at some of the content...though more fascinated/tickled than offended.  I requested Doctor Slump from the library last night, we'll see what he thinks of that one next week.)

Whole30 food : : 16

Noting the feeling that I am letting readers down with yet another photo of guacamole, a protein, a veg and fruit...that I have a need or expectation to impress...be remarkable.  That's something to let go of.

Temps are going to continue to be in the 90s this week, with humidity.  If I could consider living in a different climate, I would.  I shut down in this kind of weather.  I miss being outside.  Breathing in fresh air, being bedazzled by light and wind and trees and sky.

The other thing that shuts down in this weather is the kitchen.  I am done feeling bad about it (which I have been and, worse, been keeping it bottled up).  Making a shift to deal with it.  Case in point: tomorrow we're hosting common meal and I've decided I am not cooking.  We'll pick up some rotisserie chickens, a watermelon and I'll make a big salad.  Maybe I'll ask Cap to make a big pan of corn bread during the night tonight.

 Making a shift to deal with it.

I went to Vinny yesterday.  Was so glad he could squeeze me in.  We talked for a bit (by the end of which my heart was racing) and then he brought out the big guns.  I left calmer and feeling more grounded.  I saw a lot of purple while he worked on me.  He said purple symbolized change.

Although I was tired and sore, again, when I woke up, and my stomach started hurting after I ate breakfast, I can see and feel evidence of change.  Of movement.  My mental block about the weather/cooking...the gunk leaking out of my left eye since last night...  See how there is no redness on the eyeball itself?  This stuff is being pushed out from within.  The eye is connected to the liver, which is figuring significantly in my process right now.  The liver is also strongly tied to emotions.

I talked to Vinny about reintroducing honey to my system.  I do think honey will move me towards more balance.  But, I have been curious about the effects of 30 days "clean".  One of the things he talked about was the line that can present itself when something you started to do because you wanted to begins to take on aspects of chaining you down rather than setting you free.

It may be that I will not need 30 days to make the difference in my life that I want right now.  I am certainly beginning to wonder about what happens after the 30 days.  I know I don't want to live zero tolerance for grains and sugar for the rest of my life.  That would be too disconnective...from family, from friends, from how I live and celebrate life.

If I am not seeking a permanent break from grains and sugars, then questions do start to creep in about the benefits of doing 30 days if I am not feeling well.  For sure, this is an opportunity.  I am open to the mystery, open to the chance to discover more about myself, open to deeper change.  

To forgive myself for not being perfect...to remember that, truly, there is no "perfect".

To push myself to activate the courage and strength...the will, to heal myself by walking onward down the path rather than take the same loop and retreading, over and over again.

Peace.

Killer killers

Many thanks to Cap who had what turned out to be just the right music on in the kitchen this morning. The Killers...the unexpected balm.

Ch-ch-ch-changes

Two days ago I started a second post about flow that I couldn't finish.  Maybe I will later today.

Yesterday was supposed to be a beach day (celebrating a common meal friend's birthday), but Sag had a stomachache and fever so it turned into a quiet, healing day. 

Gem caught up in his Math (he expressed satisfaction and pride in a way that, upon reflection, he doesn't often get the opportunity to) and scored an 89% on the chapter test (I joked with him that that was an 'Asian F'...he didn't get it...anyone else watch Glee? ;-)

I finished 100 Cupboards, a YA novel that Daniel recommended.  I loved it.  I have put in a request to the library for the second book (it's a trilogy).  I nursed some GI difficulty myself later on in the day.

Sag took it easy.  He played on the iPad, he played Minecraft (it took some perseverance, but we figured out how to upload the latest pre-release update), and he strummed on his electric guitar (a child size one we gave him a few years ago).

We enjoyed a cozy evening watching Ice Age for the first time.  It was funny and delightful.

This morning we have already been food shopping and are nestling in for the rest of the day.  Sag's almost completely better, my gut showed itself to still be sensitive while we were out and Gem's system seems to be holding it together for now (after a slightly fragile evening).

It's tough to really sink into Dragon's Way while tending to two kids sans partner.  But, I have continued with the walnuts and honey breakfast, have cut out coconut juice entirely and am drinking only herbal tea with honey.  I've been finishing off the leftovers I've had in the fridge that don't conform to the guidelines (ie. the chimichurri is raw, the ground pork I cooked up mid-week).

Tomorrow, I will transition more completely to Level 1 food.

I mentioned I was hungry in my last post.  I realized later on that day that despite feeling "hungry" (and, really, just the awareness of hunger feels like "hunger" to me because I am so unaccustomed to that feeling...) I had plenty of energy.  I went about my morning and was very productive, very much in flow.  No weakness, no dizziness, etc.

After eating a more substantial lunch, I was tired!

It's almost as if I also don't recognize this more quiet energy as "energy" yet.  The more frenetic, buzz of energy that I recognize, is an ultimately tiring kind of energy...  Interesting...I am relearning what it is to feel certain, authentic and primal things.

One of the things I've never quite gotten my head around is how Master Lu talks about eating until 70% full.  The ability to sense this accurately feels completely foreign to me.  People can do that?!  But, this time (I think this is the third time I am doing DW), I am beginning to see that I can feel something between "hungry" and "full"...and that I can achieve this after eating.

I don't eat slowly enough to really feel it while I'm eating yet.  But, I can definitely manipulate how much I eat, visually and mentally, to put me on course to eat till I am 70%ish full.  I can still feel the pulling on my mind that what I see on my plate is not "enough" food.  But, the calm in my mind is stronger now and I eat and then I feel...satisfied.

When the calm is pushed into the background and I have my mind on things like finishing food off, like the loaf of Paleo bread that finally came out without being undercooked in the center, which I do not want to throw away, but I don't want to freeze it either...or my mind is whirled about in a dance of creative fantasy and I think the leftover ground pork needs to be nestled in sautéd shallots and softly scrambled pastured eggs...as they say in Project Runway, my editing skills are railroaded...and I feel stuffed...I go over the top.

And, as I mentioned above, I feel tired afterward.  (As my digestive system churns up my energy to work on the overload of food.)

Things are better, though.  When I'm tired, I am not tired for as long as I used to be.  I am also not as completely tired.  It can feel global, but after some rest, I am able to move on much more quickly than before.

I am sleeping so much better.

My moods, which can still pop up or down unpredictably, regulate much smoother and quicker after those rushes or dips.

I am keeping an eye out on the numbers on the scale.  I don't need the number to tell me whether I am feeling good or not, but dropping the number on the scale has been a part of this experiment for me from the start (the numbers of my blood work, too...for my next birthday, in January, I am planning on having a meeting with our family doc to see where all my numbers are).

The plateau is over and I have dropped five more pounds.  Breaking the 160 barrier was something.  I was about 160 when I became pregnant, both times.  I've been in close vicinity of 160 most of my adult life.  Times I've traveled above that have been stress times, times I've sunk below that have been stress times, too.

When I began this latest experiment of modifying what I eat/do, I was above 160 (by 15).  My blood numbers (most recently taken three+ years ago) were elevated, too. 

Going to Barcelona, in May, opened my eyes to the fact that I was, at core, stronger than I would have expected.  I withstood ten days of international travel (crossing time zones, very little sleep/jet lag, lots of walking despite normally being sedentary, different eating/food routines) with no issues.  No aches or pains, no GI problems.

When I turned 40, I embraced the beginning of the rest of my life.  Now, at 45, I am grabbing consciousness close and sculpting myself...inside and out, to better enjoy the rest of my days.

I am grateful to be experiencing some very real changes.  Thanks for being a part of it, with me.

Peace and love.

Soothe

We are all feeling the change-of-season chaos...in mostly small and subtle ways.  Tired, but not getting sick, rough around the edges, but not falling apart, melancholy, but not depressed.  All of it momentary, not overwhelming.

I am doing a lot of soothing and being soothed.

Made my first ever pot roast.  Wow.  The epitome of comfort food.  I have fond memories of my mom's pot roast.  I'm not really sure why I never thought to make one before.  (This was not her recipe, but from The Primal Blueprint Cookbook.)  The kids loved it.  Gem's words after taking his first bite?  "It's magic."  (Too busy savoring to take a photo the first night.)

Cap needed a photo taken for professional use.  I am flattered he asked me.  (I am also his longtime barber :-)  For anyone who knows him, you'll be looking up in the sky for flying pigs because not only is he smiling in a photograph, but he decided to send this along to the conference folks who needed his pic!  I love it.  I love him.

If I had a photo of Vinny, it would be in this post, too.  Cap takes care of me day-to-day (he has been faithfully working on my rock hard shoulders for well over a week now) and Vinny takes care of me once a week.  

After the kids and I returned home from our Vinny sessions, I could have fallen asleep.  But, I couldn't.  I realized I was feeling a bit blue.  Then I realized I was starting to think about...mind-crave, things like Chinese food and ice cream.

It is fascinating and amazing to be in a place where I can take a step back when my mind starts to draw these fantastical pictures of what I supposedly want.  My emotions no longer become enmeshed like they did for years and years.  My pulse remains steady, my brain stays calm...my mind not only returns to my body, but it brings with it fresh input.

And so, almost as if in a trance, I walked into the kitchen, warmed some eggs, pulled out the almond meal and coconut flour and golden flaxseed meal...and baked a loaf of Paleo Bread.

I hope you are finding ways to be soothed and to soothe during this naturally chaotic time.

Peace and love.

Continued pause

We are back home, arrived yesterday afternoon.  It was an uneventful trip, one rest area was closed because they had no power, but otherwise, we didn't see much water or debris from our I-95 vantage points.

Luckily, our place never lost power and sustained no damage.  Others in our town were not so lucky, and there are areas of the state that are under water.

Today we spent the day in Queens.

But, the big news is that while we were away, Gem's body revealed that he has new allergies.  They appear to be environmental (cats, mold and/or grass) and, wow, what a whole new ball of wax.  He is exhausted in every way by his symptoms and the way his body has responded to these symptoms.  Late afternoon till he falls asleep have been getting tougher and tougher, the last two nights he hasn't been able to keep his dinner down because of severe post nasal drip.

I am pretty tired and frayed...challenged to say the least, at moments (few and far between) overwhelmed.  We have an appointment with Vinny tomorrow and we'll get in to the pediatrician soon for a referral for an allergist.

In the meantime, tomorrow will be a day of true resettling and rest.  I'll be unpacking, cleaning, food shopping, meal planning...and tending to the boys and their various needs.  I have to get the rent check in the mail, look over the tenant's insurance quote, get the egg order form printed and out, get the quarterly tax form printed and out (yup, we're late on first and second quarters)...

I have phone calls to make to friends far away who I have not connected in awhile and one who has a family member in crisis...and one whose birthday I missed while away.

I have some ideas sitting in my Evernote for getting the new quarter of homeschooling zhushed that I would love to pay some attention to...

I have veggies and fruit that arrived today (the farm is in bad shape...no power, no water, and damage) that need attention...

I am calm.  The stress of tending to the kid does dissipate once he falls asleep and his body is peaceful (he has been sleeping through the night though the nights have been on the shorter side).  I have a great life.  Period.

Here is one of my favorite shots from our vacation.  I will be back when I can, with more photos, more tidbits, more being back.

Peace and love to you.

Sag at Nantasket Beach.

Another update

We hosted a small common meal tonight and when Cap's chocolate chip cookies were being served up,

I really wanted one.  Look at these beauts!  I thought about having one, but more than wanting to eat it, I wanted to continue with this time of grain- and sugar-free.

So, I decided to add some luxe to my melon and berries (also on tonight's menu, both fruits local and organic) with a dollop of Valley Shepherd ewegurt (scroll down the link) and a drizzle of Pennsylvania maple syrup.

And I was content.

Wild.

It is not uncommon when eliminating system offending foods from one's diet, to discover secondary culprits.  After a few days of feeling soundly good, I am having some "tired" and "foggy" reactions again.  I think it might be dairy.

Last night, after a lovely Indian dinner with Elizabeth, I noticed it.  I felt it again this afternoon after eating my leftovers.  It happened again after dinner tonight (to a much lesser extent).  I called the restaurant I ate at last night and spoke to a lovely man who went over the ingredients of my lamb korma with me.  No flour or corn starch was used to thicken it up.

I rarely eat cream, I rarely eat lamb.  I am guessing that it was the cream that my gut didn't like.

Tonight, I had the ewegurt.  I already know that cow's milk yogurt doesn't feel good to me.  So far, I haven't had a problem with the sheep's milk yogurt, but, I think...I'm going to have to keep an eye out for reactions.

I've also noted that at this point, when eating at home (oftentimes alone), I am eating much less than what I would have considered my "normal".  Definitely doing more of a small meal/snack four to five times a day rather than three "square" meals.  But, when I am eating out or in a group, like tonight, I am eating more than I need or necessarily want.  It's hard to stop, or even think, when there is a plethora of delicious food at my fingertips.  Not to mention the wonderful distraction of conversing with good friends.

So, I keep on keepin' on.  I'm starting to think ahead to the five-plus hour road trip coming up on Monday and that I will need to prep some road food for myself.  Fun!  (Not sarcastic :-)

Frisson

You know that visual special effect you see sometimes in the movies where someone steps through a portal which looks like thick blurry waves to get from one dimension to another?

I feel like I did that last night.

I was getting to bed a skosh "late" again.  As I lay there, I remembered something I had experienced the day before.  I had a strong urge to talk to Cap about it and so got out of bed.  (You'd be surprised...or maybe not...at how often, in my foggy state, I would not have gotten out of bed to talk.  I did a lot of fantasizing while instead.  Here is an example of another clear benefit of the detox happening.  Have a clear thought based in real time--->act on it.)

A couple of days ago, I was thinking about the Y and started feeling a heavy pressure on my chest.  It was uncomfortable.  I identified it as "resistance" and even mentioned it here on the blog.  I remembered the physicality of the feeling last night lying in bed and wanted to talk about it.  With someone I trust...though in that moment, I had no idea, consciously, how deep that trust was going to have to go.

In talking to Cap, I was able to deconstruct..."Inquire" (using the lingo from the book)...and it was hard.  It was scary and painful for a few minutes.  And it took longer than that to wend my way to where I got.  He was patient.  I thought we were both brave.  Fumbling and bumbling are risks that come with true communication and not everyone is up for that, all the time.

The idea, that for me came from reading this book right now (but is not wholly original to it), that through the muck which gets triggered, memories can be identified and put in their place...and that by remembering in those moments to bring yourself back into your body, your sensory experience can be completely transformed...I was able to apply that as I talked and shared and moved through and came out the other side.

It felt so enormous and shook me for a bit.  But, really, it was a blip, a breath (albeit not an easy one), and it was over.  (I consider myself lucky.  There are many folks out there who have had to deal with things much worse than I have.)

I feel ready to go to the Y now.  My resistance wasn't resistance to the Y.  (Though my mind was able to come up with reasons that it was.)  My mind mistranslated the signals my body was giving.  In a way, my mind overreacted to the signals. 

Old memories of being sexually molested (passively and actively), briefly and by strangers came back to me as I spoke.  The "feeling", black space, yawning, threatening to swallow me up whole...that's what felt to me like the heavy pressure on my chest that moment a couple of days ago.  Thinking of the Y, my mind connected back to memories of isolated library stacks, crowded subway cars, a quiet block on my long walk home from the train station...and my feelings of being trapped transferred to the Y, a place I have not made my own yet, but a space where I could make these fearful associations of stranger-danger situations.

Once I was able to give voice to what it was I was feeling and remembering, which felt so precarious, I was able to take the huge out breath that has been waiting for years.  For it has been years that I have wanted to create a new habit of getting regular exercise and have been unable to.  I have felt this resistance over and over again...and just haven't had the tools to understand it enough to get past/over it.

Now that I know what that was about, I feel free to move forward.  The world, certainly in terms of the Y, looks and smells and feels different.  I've stepped through the wiggly cell-bending portal.  It really is something.

(So, yes.  Detoxing of grains/sugar = getting more sleep = increased clarity of mind = better flow between body and mind = happier me.  So far, so excellent.)

Update

A pic of Sag in the world of Minecraft.  This game, still in beta, is the kids' latest obsession passion.

In other news, I made a green salad and a salad caprese (all ingredients bought in the morning at the farmer's market...we stopped to gaze at the queen bee at the honey stand, Sag got a glazed blueberry donut at Vacchiano Farms and Gem got some lemonade at The Bread Company) and Cap baked chocolate chip cookies and peanut butter cookies, and we broke bread with Danielle, Norb and their kids last night.

It was leisurely and lovely.  Danielle and Norb make quite the culinary team.  My favorite bite of the night was a curry-cranberry-carrot turkey burger of Danielle's own design grilled to perfection by Norb.  I've known Danielle since nursery school, I met Norb sophomore year of college on a visit out to Michigan where they went to school and met.  They met Cap for the first time...probably at their wedding, nearly twenty years ago, in D.C.

Now we've got a gaggle of boys between us and though times like last night are too rare, we are bonded by years and years of connection and true affection...and the incredible luck that plunked us down, of all places in the universe, within two blocks of each other in the Garden State.

In other news, we've been watching Little League on the telly.  Paramus, representing our current and fair state, plays today in the mid-Atlantic finals.  Their evening game was pushed up due to weather.  It has been raining steadily here since 2am, hopefully, they'll be able to play their game today safely (in CT).  The Little League World Series starts next week.

In other news, I started reading Women, Food and God, an interesting read.  Some things she talks about have resonated quite strongly with me, but there's something about her writing style that is clunky (is it her or her editor or both?)  I've had to re-read numerous sentences in order to understand what she was saying.  There is a distinct lack of organizational flow in the first part of the book which outlines, essentially, the "why".

I thought I was going to plunge into the second part of her book, the "hows", but another book has come in from the library, A.D. New Orleans After The Deluge, and I can feel my attention going that way...

In other news, my essentially grain-free, sugar-free eating continues.  I am having the occasional craving which seems quite connected to PMS-y hormonal surges/dips.  I've noticed that in non-home eating situations I am eating more than when I am at home.  And that, though, full (and gently poking myself to try to remember this feeling for the next time), I am not going into the spacey/foggy/lethargic food comas that had become so commonplace for me.

I find it very interesting that, like clockwork, I am no longer "hungry" for something to eat at 9:30/10:00pm in front of the tv.  Not surprisingly, more often than not, I am hungry within an hour of waking up in the morning.  (It really helps to feel physical hunger again, to discriminate between actual hunger and hunger of the psyche/soul.)

Yesterday, for the first time since I began, I felt good.  The balance has tipped so that I feel less achey, less tired, less irritable.  I have been tempted to ease grains and sugar back in, but have decided, for now, to wait until I have the next order of detox in place (the fourth one, practicing Qigong is not fully in force yet, either...): begin regular exercise.

I've decided to join the Y and just do it.  But, I can feel the resistance inside me.  The plan, now, is to join in September, after our week in Massachusetts and their week of sprucing up shut down.  I am going to try walking, swimming, the elliptical and zumba.  The climate control is critical.  But, but, but, but...I feel a strong anxiety about it, too.  A claustrophobic germophobic kind of thing.  Sigh.

For now, I will simply start walking.  Around the block, in the neighborhood, in the park.  Perhaps after a few weeks of walking I will feel ready to incorporate other ways to move my body into my habits.  Perhaps I will no longer feel the need to do anything else.

This morning, I had some matchsticks of Oktoberkase (Valley Shepherd Creamery at the farmer's market) and cherry tomatoes from our farm share.  I've been savoring the tomatoes this season.  They have been delectable.  And they pair so well with cheese!  And tender leaves of lettuce.  I have not missed the bread at all.  Though I marvel at the convenience of pre-made, pre-sliced store-bought bread with new awareness every time I toast some for the boys...

Slowing down and simplifying...at times I can feel the strain on the seemingly hard-wired parts of my brain.  I can understand how bringing meditation into the picture could ease this strain.  Sleep is the best meditation...and for me, the next best thing, my dreaded Dragon Standing Between Heaven and Earth, needs to come next.

Peace and love to you.

Oy the aches

And so things unravel.  Painfully.  But with what I will insist on seeing as promise.

I slept just about eight hours last night!  And I woke of my own accord.  This meant a more peaceful waking.

But, there continue to be aches and tightness, inside and out.  My body feels "sick".  I do have a fear that one of these years I am going to push things too far.  As it is, with each passing year, my body is going to have to work harder and longer to heal...to expunge the stagnation and toxins that have built up.

Finally letting up on this last cycle of misuse and disuse of my system, my body is starting to, trying to, truly breathe again.  Masking agents are being unwoven, unwrapped.  Things are starting to hurt.  And show their age.  I am happy to respond to the drumbeats of revolt.  I hope it's not too late.

I lay down on the floor and stretched out my lower back and hips.  How is it possible that I haven't "felt" how incredibly bound up I am?  Ow, ow, and ow.  Miasma of sedentary-life sludge.  Slow slosh as my knees and hips rock side to side.

My stomach is bloated and hard and hot.  Ew.  Dead animal full of gas comes to mind.  Double ew.

I am so worn.  I go into Dragon Standing Between Heaven and Earth while on my back just to combat the creeping dismay.  This clears and inspires me enough to stand up and do 30 Toe Dances and 20 Kick Forwards.  I feel more grounded.  My hands reach for my belly and my flesh is pliable and soft again.

Qigong, I'm telling you.  This stuff is like magic.

So, I'm up and at 'em.  My shoulders and the spot where my neck meets my back, are heavy, tight and hurt (yesterday it was my neck...progress?)  I am hungry now, but my stomach also has that acidy hollow feel to it (I forgot, and have been reminded, that yogurt doesn't really agree with me...I just don't feel good after eating it).  My mood is hopeful peeking out from temples and brow that also feel heavy with a bit of ache mixed in.

Today will be my third day of being essentially grain- and white sugar-free.  For me, it will not be enough for a solid reset of how my body processes grains/sugar (I'm using information from Dr. Mercola's book here).  My blood sugar and cholesterol readings from my last blood draw (about a year ago) indicated my body was starting to have trouble processing what was coming in.  I know that I am unwell enough to put my body through a more thorough detox.

So, I will keep going.  My birthday is about six months from now, my gentle and hopeful parameter.