Jottings

• sleep is shifting thanks to the Chinese herbal sleep aid.  (not surprised) it hasn't slipped right into smooth sailing.  one night an epic cinematic suspenseful dream.  one night hot flash mid-sleep awakening followed by a too cold/have-to-pee mid-sleep awakening the next night.  (same climate control both nights.)  Olympic fever has made it hard to go to bed earlier, but I am definitely sleeping later and getting closer to eight hours a night.  also falling asleep quicker with much less mental thought spiraling.  I can literally feel the sleep deprivation-crazy ebbing from my system.  (a crazy I tend not to feel until it's way too late, or, I am in recovery/repair mode.)

• eating some non-Paleo and/or junky food: brown rice wraps, cheese, potato chips, ice cream, dark chocolate, yogurt, corn tortillas, coconut cream pie, Thai iced coffee...  it has been mostly very enjoyable.  the potato chips went into minus balance zone almost right away (yet I went for a second go around a couple of days later...cycle related salt/fat craving, methinks).  noticed quite distinctly that last night's Rita's "twist" of vanilla and chocolate frozen custard did not fill me substantially in any way.  I needed to eat shortly afterward to get some protein.  meal planned yesterday to eat Paleo this week.  we have a weekend away coming up and next weekend we go on holiday for a week in VA.

• experienced a definite mood drop this morning (after days dotted with bright energy).  spurred me to fill in smiley-neutral-sad faces in my calendar.  (Donna's idea...thank you to all my friends and supporters who have tossed ideas my way in the wake of this "d-word" crisis.)  I think this is a post-ovulation drop.  it helped to do something concrete, outside of my head, to deal with feeling emotionally down.  it also occurred to me to call someone and make a date today.  it definitely helps to be in the company of friends when feeling this way.

• but first, because I had meal planned a light breakfast for myself (Dragon's Way style nuts and fruit), once I unloaded the dishwasher and washed up/loaded the stuff in the sink and made breakfast for the kids (and rejoiced that Cap had organized a messy corner of the kitchen and ignored the bordering-on-filthy kitchen floor), I grabbed my homemade iced coffee and bowl of cantaloupe and practiced Qigong in the front room.  the shifts in sleep, food and routine triangulated, finally, so I could practice in the morning as I am wont to do.  (eventually I am hoping to practice first thing in the morning, early enough so the kids are still asleep.)

• beginning to plan for MA and VA.  want to make more headway in figuring out the exercise thing before we go away.

• am loving the inspiration of watching the Olympics: archery, volleyball, dressage, weightlifting...so many sports I know little to nothing about that I want to try now!

Olympic fever

Sorry for the absence.  Things are bubbling and shifting.  Last week's unexpected crisis (the "depression" dx) has proven to be a positive opportunity for change.  It was a linchpin.

It opened me up in the way reckonings do.

So I have been talking and writing and thinking and doing...off blog.  Not on purpose, it's just how it has happened.  I am lucky, things have been good.

The weather's been getting me down energetically.  It's my alpha, I have no say.  Books have been picking up the slack and keeping in balance.  I finished Freedom which was devastatingly good and read Born Round in about 24 hours.  It was a stunning read.  Swaths of the memoir read as if Frank Bruni was actually me.  Not the exotic journalistic travels and being a NYT restaurant critic parts...but the whole internal workings of a being born with a powerful appetite for food thing?  Wow.  Very connective.

Now I am in the throes of Olympic fever.  It is so much fun for all of us, but especially me.  Already today we've watched cycling, swimming, archery, fencing, table tennis, soccer, tennis and basketball.  And it's barely noon!

Peace and love.

Foody

I have 13 minutes left in my hour break...I was so productive in the kitchen this morning, and the kids cleaned the bathroom...but there is still more to do before common meal tonight.

Last night's dinner.  I have thoroughly been enjoying quesadillas with brown rice wraps.  This one had the last of the garlic scape pesto in it.  So so yummy.  I am ready to go back to no sugar after a few nights of ice cream.  And just about ready to go back to no grains.  Thinking on the no dairy...

Purple basil.  So very pretty.  I love the color combination of purple and green.  This basil, from the farm, was incredibly fragrant.

I cleaned out the fridge and found quite a bit of salad turnips in there.  The tails had fuzzy white mold on them.  Washed, peeled and sliced.  Pickled in a ziplock with salt.  So very easy.

Sautéed summer squash with an onion (all from the farm).  Used ghee and Penzey's Tuscan Sunset and a bit of salt.

Made two pitchers of iced tea: Raspberry Earl and Ambrosia Plum.

That purple and green thing I was telling you about.  Love love love it.  Fresh and tender lettuce is high on my list of reasons to be part of a CSA or get your produce from the farmer's market.

Pesto made with purple and green basil.  Garlic, toasted pine nuts, salt and olive oil.

Put together a meat sauce for the kids with pastured ground sirloin, olive oil, granulated garlic, onion flakes and a jar of Amy's family marinara.  Gem likes his on rice, Sag prefers pizza toast.  The cherry toms are from Muth Farm and available at Terra.  They are amazing.

Roasted broccoli with Applegate Farm thick-cut bacon (my favorite of what is locally available).  I made a big batch for tonight and had some for lunch.

Aaaaand time.  (Went over by a few minutes.)

Canaries still chirping (in the mines)

This blogpost by Michael Moore was a valuable read.  It's provocative and outlying...backed up by irrefutable statistical evidence.  In other words, de rigueur Moore.

There are so many things in our society that just. must. give.

The book I am reading, Freedom, illustrates this, too.  It is well written (at times exhilaratingly so) and engaging...but so not feel good.

Comic relief

The Daily Show with Jon Stewart
Get More: Daily Show Full Episodes,Political Humor & Satire Blog,The Daily Show on Facebook

Shopping

I still haven't constructed an updated budget.  Which makes me leery of spending money.  But I am doing some shopping anyway to move forward on a few things.

For the car/my honey (our free trial ends tomorrow):

For my butt body (it's a pedometer):

For my kitchen (20% off best price available...it's a steam mop):

For my culinary self (reconditioned, 5 year warranty, made in USA, free shipping):

Peace.

Monday muse

Thunder in the sky saving me from dragging my reluctant ass to the pool.  (The kids want to go and of course I want them to go.  But our town pools are very strict about no swimming while there is rumbling, even in the distance.)

I am sipping some delicious iced tea and deep in the throes of processing numerous piles of paperwork.

Listening to my summer playlist which is full of pep, joy, groove...as well as touches of wistfulness.

One of the things I uncovered in my excavation was a slip of paper with two names on it: Cy Twombly and Tacita Dean.  I had written their names down while at an exhibit with Barbra last month.  This is the nature of my life, having inspiration strike...while reflection is often reserved for a later date.  Not that much reflection has happened today.  But, now it's in my virtual notebook and I can recycle the slip of paper...

This morning I spent what ended up feeling like an inordinate amount of time researching steam mops. A week ago I didn't even know steam mops were even a thing.  In my quest for efficient cleaning I have looked into them.  Sadly, they are not a reliable quick fix.  Some people have had great experiences/purchases, while others have hated the exact same product/brand.  My sad, sticky, soiled kitchen floor awaits a verdict...an action of some sort.

Cap and I saw Friends with Kids and enjoyed it.  This song was used to start the movie and I loved it (even though I've heard it before and had not been similarly impressed).

Doctor my eyes

Thank you for your kind, caring and thoughtful words and well wishes.  Thank you for bearing witness...with curiosity, love and a steady gaze.  I am lucky...and honored.

I am feeling, overall, at greater peace with each passing day.

I think it has to do with where I am in my menstrual cycle, I think it also has to do with coming off the Whole30.

I think it is also part and parcel with my process as it unfolds.  Whole30 did not bring about the change I thought it might.  My labs and meeting with my western doctor did not bring about the change I thought it might.

That sucked...it was a rough spot.  But, it actually forced some transformation...it pried open something inside.  The stress bubbled up and out.

I alluded a few posts back to how my easy smile shows almost nothing of what's really going on inside, sometimes.  I have realized in the past few days how easily I can trick myself into thinking I am "letting something go" when I am actually swallowing it, pushing it down into me.

I am fast moving past my disappointment.  Conversations and emails with friends and loved ones have been helping me truly let go of it.  Expressing my frustration, anger, confusion...raising my voice, feeling the emotional rush and letting it run a little rampant...it feels good, it is a release.  I am grateful.

Manatee love

I am feeling clearer and happier about my process.  I am enjoying non-Whole30 foods.  I am reveling in a relaxing Sunday.

Here is a shot of internet awesome.  Enjoy!

Some words

Feeling bumbly with written words.

Because since seeing the doctor Thursday afternoon I have been feeling the need to verbalize more in real time.

And, apparently, I can't do both right now.

Which is interesting.

So, bumbling right along...

The short story is that my doctor, a general family practitioner for whom I have a lot of respect, deduced that I am "depressed".  I couldn't quite get my head around that.  I declined taking medication.  She was okay with that.  We agreed I would start getting exercise every day (which hasn't happened yet).

There is, of course, a longer rambling story.  And rambling + bumbling = awkward.  Maybe I'll go with bullets.

• I was upset with the diagnosis.  In part because I felt it wasn't an artful one and I expected more from the doc.  In part because it made me feel ashamed.  In part because it made me realize this process wasn't coming to a simple end.  In part because part of me wanted to believe it so I could be done with it.

• My thyroid came back "fine".  There are issues with thyroid testing and I don't know much about it.  Whether I fall under the category of "needs further testing" or not is something I may never know.  I have a friend who just recently received the diagnosis she had suspected as being the correct one (Hashimoto's thyroiditis) after over ten years of doing her own research and pushing myriad doctors to think/perform outside their boxes.

• My white blood cell count was low.  The doc said this is sometimes caused by a virus.  She noted that it was low two years ago, as well, and then dropped it.

• Note to self: get a copy of the latest lab results so I have my "numbers" at hand.

• My vitamin D was low.  Over-the-counter D supplement was recommended (still haven't picked those up).

• She said my cholesterol was high-ish and my diabetes risk was high-ish.  And then dropped it.  This info was not new, but the realization that these numbers have not moved much despite the diet change was interesting.

• She seemed to feel my results weren't "nothing", but that there was no clear direction to go.  So she made her call based on the info she had (which included asking me some questions about my energy level/fatigue, whether I was having "fun", etc.)

• Depression is a symptom of so many other things...in this day and age it is frustrating that a depression diagnosis is an end point rather than a launching pad.

• I am not opposed to treating depression symptoms with anti-depressants.  I know these meds have saved countless lives and helped many get past the rut of the symptoms in order to move forward with life more efficiently.

• I just don't believe, at this point in time, that taking the meds would be worth it for me.

• In the hours and days since I met with the doc, I have felt upset, relieved, confused.

• I have spoken to Vinny but won't be seeing him till the end of next week because he is at a conference.

• I have thought about how different the Whole30 experience was for me compared to going grain-free and sugar-free last August.  Namely, that not only did I not feel great, but in some ways I felt worse than I did when I started.

• I have been thinking of the Japanese concept of amae and how it may apply to my self-identity.

The boys are downstairs reading on the porch.  I am going to get off the computer and practice Qigong.  More soon.

Peace and love.

More data

I weighed myself this morning.  156.  Not the stunning rate of weight loss of August-September '11 when I cut refined sugar and grains from my diet.  Back then I dropped 15 lbs. in a month or so, something pretty outrageous.  This time it was 8 lbs. in 30 days.

This afternoon I meet with my doctor.  I am so curious about what my blood work showed!

Here are my before and after Whole30 shots.

Definitely less chubby/puffy.  You know what's scary?  How unstrong and unhappy I feel contrary to how I am posing/looking in these photos.

Today's internet gems

The day started off with lovely photos of the sky/landscape, taken from various spots around the world.

Then Lana posted a piece about lefties to Facebook.  Gem is left-handed and I appreciated this reminder of what it's like for lefties in our right-handed world.

A couple of hours ago, we were hit with some torrential rains.  The university lost power (unfortunately for Cap who had planned an evening of video editing tonight with his teachers).  Turned out we were on the edge of an incredible storm system which moved right over Manhattan (we're about 14 miles from the city as the crow flies).  Click that link for an incredible photo.

Finally, Lego + The Wire.  'Nuff said.

Peace.

Whole30 food : : 30

Breakfast: pastured egg scramble with ground lamb (cooked up last night) and a dollop of garlic scape pesto.  Iced coffee to drink.

I am quietly stunned to realize 30 days have passed.  I haven't even finished reading the book.  As with so much else in this life, in retrospect, it went fast.

I slept poorly last night.  I tossed and turned for awhile, realized the room wasn't cooling and discovered a pile of stuff was partially blocking the air conditioner.  Got out of bed to wait out the cooling of the bedroom and read some more of Freedom.  Ended up catching about six hours of zzzs.  Woke up all sorts of tired, ache-y, puffy, grumpy and sad.

Yesterday I went back and read all of my Whole30 posts.  I was curious to see what I could see.

• I did not experience an increase in energy as I had hoped I might.

• my cooking repertoire did not expand as I had thought it might.  neither did my consumption of vegetables.

• I thought I'd feel more "accomplished".

• during the last week I have noticed external indications of decreased systemic inflammation: two different lumps I've had on my body (one for about ten years, the other for about twenty years) have both...receded.  they are gone.  also, mosquitoes still like to suck my blood, but not as much, and the bites have not swelled or itched anywhere near to the levels that I have experienced all my remembered life.  as in, the few mosquito bites I've gotten in the past few weeks have not only barely registered, but they have not bothered me at all.

• although issues with sleep, mood and lack of energy/fatigue have popped up and/or persisted, my mind has definitely been clearer.  I can certainly see clearer that the dual paths of hormones and auto-immune (and how they might intersect?) are worth further inquiry.

• there does seem to be a relationship between my reproductive hormonal cycle and the fatigue.  the second half of my cycle saw an increase in my fatigue with big spikes around ovulation and the start of my period (which reminded me of the tiredness I felt during the first trimester of both my pregnancies).

• my next push will be to move beyond "the food".  despite what feels somewhat like anemic achievement, I want to carry forth what I have learned about the food...to maintain the foundation of the Whole30.  to be clear that somewhat dashed hopes do not equal total loss.  I should be getting the lab results back tomorrow when I meet with my doctor.  I am seeing Vinny today.  it is time to integrate something "new".  add another layer.  hmm.  30 days of daily Qigong practice?

Peace.  (Kid wanting to use my laptop.)

Walking and talking

My favorite shot of the day.  Hit by a(nother) flash of inspiration and processed it black and white...and I loved it even more.

Peace.

Whole30 food : : 29

After an incredibly happy and relaxing afternoon spent with Kate and her brood, the kids and I came home hungry, hot and tired.  I cooled the kitchen down while they enjoyed their frozen juice cups.  (They literally froze juice in cups.)

I cooked up pastured ground lamb with salt, pepper, granulated garlic, onion flakes...and following a flash of inspiration, a couple of dashes of Rogan Josh spice mix.

I also cooked up a pastured rib eye steak seasoned with salt, pepper and granulated garlic.

I served up (already prepped) peas and watermelon for the kids and sliced up an avocado for myself.  And though the steak was delectable on its own, I decided to jazz up my bites with garlic scape pesto.

A great dinner to end a great day.

(Sag is pretty hard to photograph in water.  He loves water with a passion that engages him completely and intensely.  In other words, he is in near constant motion when in water.  The splashes of water in the second and seventh shots are him.  Gem likes being in the water, too, as you can see.)

Thrilling

For those of you who don't know...I love whales.  There are a bunch of blue whales in Monterey Bay!  I sosososososososo wish I was there.

Check it out.

Really?

Last week, I brought home a bunch of library books on Williamsburg and Jamestown.  We're going back there in August and I thought the kids might want to bone up on some of the area history before our return.

They didn't really want to.  But, they acquiesced when I encouraged them this morning.  Within a few minutes of picking up Jamestown: The First Colony, Sag made a strangled sort of sound and by the time I looked up from my own reading, he was cowering under the couch, tears in his eyes.

"From the shallop, the Englishmen watched the villagers strip George Cassen of his clothes and tie him to a pair of wooden stakes.  Using mussel shells, they cut each of his fingers, joint by joint, and then tossed each piece into the fire.  On board the shallop, the men could hear Cassen's agonizing screams as the villagers skinned him alive.  Then, they watched in horror as the villagers sliced open his belly and removed his bowels, which they threw into the fire.  Finally, they burned the nearly dead Cassen alive."

(p. 22  Jamestown: The First English Colony by Susan Harkins and William H. Harkins)

I was at a loss for articulate words.  Truly shocked.

Here is the School Library Journal review at Amazon:

"Grade 4-6–A well-researched, readable, no-frills introduction to the history of the first permanent English settlement in America, useful for reports. The facts are straightforward and chronologically presented, and the authors are careful to say what is unknown or conjecture. FYInfo pages present more details on topics such as The Virginia Company and Pocahontas. The Native American point of view is included but limited. The book design is utilitarian. Only two small maps are included, and neither one shows Virginia in relation to the whole country or to Europe. The other illustrations are stock images and drawings. This title is aimed at a slightly older audience than MaryLee Knowlton and Janet Riehecky's The Settling of Jamestown (Gareth Stevens, 2002), Elaine Landau's Explore Colonial Jamestown (Enslow, 2006), and Daniel Rosen's New Beginnings: Jamestown and the Virginia Colony, 1607-1699 (National Geographic, 2005).–Lucinda Snyder Whitehurst, St. Christopher's School, Richmond, VA"

Sag would be going into fifth grade if he were going to school.  He's right in the target reader group.  Clearly, I am a mainstream outlier in my incredulous reaction to this passage being included in a book for kids Sag's age.  Part of me wants to bring this passage to the attention of one of our children's librarian...part of me just wants to return the book and forget about it...part of me wants to read/review the book myself.

I am disturbed, not only by the graphic and horrific description of how this man was tortured and killed, but also that this depiction lends itself so easily to thinking of "the villagers" as a psycho/sociopathic being/mob.

Hopefully, Sag will not be terrified by these images come bedtime.  (Not holding my breath on that one.)

Whole30 food : : 28

I discovered this morning how forgiving garlic scape are.

They have been sitting in the bottom of a crisper drawer in the fridge for nearly a month.  I've been peeking at them to see how they were perishing faring week after week as my kitchen mojo refused to come back enough to whip up some scape pesto.

Scape pesto, my clarion call of summer.  Scape pesto, my absolute favorite thing to have come from making a commitment to Farmer John and our local CSA five years ago.  Scape pesto, what has finally arrived this 2012 season in my kitchen.

The pastured eggs were from new chickens and tiny!  The iced coffee was lovely straight from the fridge.  I used ghee to scramble the eggs with a dollop of pesto.  Yum.  (The pesto: garlic scape trimmed and chopped, then blitzed in the mini-food processor with toasted pine nuts, salt and olive oil.  All to taste.)

I'm making lamb sliders later...the pesto will pair nicely with those, I think!

Boob tube

Folded laundry this afternoon...which is almost always accompanied by watching something on tv.  I caught last week's episode of Louie, which was pretty darn brilliant and funny, as usual.  Sag then joined me for The Big Year which I found on HBO On Demand.

It was therapeutic to laugh to Louie and watch a feel good movie with my boy.  I am also grateful to Cap who went foraging for food and brought me home a particularly tasty bag of roast beef.  I was tempted to have some farmer's market cheese with the roast beef, but for now, I'm going to wait till I am done with my 30 days!

It has occurred to me that yesterday I had dairy (sample of cheese at farmer's market), vegetable and/or legume oil (the sweet potato fries) and sugar (a few squares of dark chocolate).  So although I had honed in on the oil as the likely trigger for my various reactions last night and into this morning, the truth is that I can't untangle the three.

This motivates me to stay as "clean" as can be the next few days and then, as the book suggests, reintroduce foods one at a time to observe changes.

Back to the boob tube: the summer shows are starting to heat up.  Breaking Bad returns tonight, Project Runway later this week...Falling Skies is my frothy summer fun show...True Blood, Burn Notice, The Closer's final batch of episodes...the aforementioned Louie...  I'm thinking of checking out a new show premiering tonight, Political Animals.

It's feast or famine.



P.S. My book brain has been reactivated, too: I'm itching to start Freedom (I loved The Corrections).

Whole30 food : : 27

Today's food pic is my mug of iced coffee.  I've got a pitcher in the fridge.  Yesterday I made a carafe of iced green tea.  Upgrading my drinks from water is about my speed these days.  I go from the air conditioned living room, hungry, to the kitchen where my heat non-sensitive spouse is taking care of business.  The wall of heat and humidity hits me and my appetite falls away.

I am in a daze today.  My mood has been heinous...masking a bit of despair, I think, most likely powered by hormonal imbalance/shift.  (I eagerly await my blood test results.  A definitive answer about thyroid and/or vitamin D would be wonderful.)

I installed new anti-virus and anti-malware software onto Sag's PC, updated the iMac software, opened a Steam account for Gem, and helped them each buy a new game (they spent their own money and were psyched the games were half-price).

I had a thought and discovered that, indeed, the adult school has a course on Java programming.  Sag is interested in learning and I've been working on figuring out how to manage that.  I may take the course and teach him as I learn.

As Whole30 winds down, I am struck by what hasn't changed, today.  It's okay.  It's all information, it makes me aware.  I am tired of being tired...I just have to keep going.

Summer shedding

The Year We Left Home

This one wasn't on my list for 2012, but I loved it.  Here's my Goodreads review:

Wow, I loved this book. From the first chapter, I was enchanted with how easy and simple Thompson made it look to turn phrases which were so clever and resonated so clearly.

Soon my appreciation moved from the artfulness of her writing to her ear for dialogue and eye for detail, her use of time as a storytelling device, and weaving their way through all of it, her characters who came to life as they inhabited their stories, as well as the story of their family.

This novel moved me.

I'd never even heard of Jean Thompson before reading The Year We Left Home. A delicious surprise.

Addendum four

Slept like crap (bedded down late, took forever to fall asleep, woke up tired and stiff).

"Allergy" head (eyes, nose, head stuffy/runny).

Stomach sour.

Mood down and out.

Finding it hard to be neutral about how sensitive my system is.  Can see the good (a bit), can see the bad (mostly).  Striving to see it just for what it is...to let go of the ping ponging and move on.

Addendum three

For the first time since starting the Whole30 I had to unbutton my pants after dinner.  That is some serious inflation since I have definitely lost weight in the last few weeks.

It's actually a case of the more things change, the more they stay the same.  Anyone who has known me for a long time and knows me well knows that I have a history of eating my fill and then having my stomach blow up like a balloon.

Now I understand that that is completed related to eating inflammatory food.

And another thing...

One of my eyes starting bothering me while I was reading after dinner (I am reading the most wonderful book y'all!)  I starting rubbing and itching and within a few minutes I had to get up to look in a mirror because it was really bugging me.  It looked worse than this under the lower lid.  Very irritated and red.  I flushed my eye out with water numerous times and it burned.  I couldn't find any foreign objects in it.

I'm chalking it up to a liver system manifestation of the systemic inflammation caused by whatever seed/legume oil the sweet potato fries were deep fried in.  (And, maybe the sugar from the few pieces of dark chocolate I snacked on before dinner.)

Yowza.

Addendum too

Cap served the leftover sweet potato fries from the restaurant at dinner...and I inhaled them!

Wowowowow.

They did taste better than they had this morning...but clearly there was some sort of reignited pattern...a "REOPENED FOR BUSINESS!" sign burning bright.  Once I had finished them, I woke up in a daze, my nasal passages stuffy-runny in that reactive inflammatory way.

Wowowowow.

My stomach doesn't hurt.  But it feels...burdened.

Food for thought...literally.

Addendum

Ooh, the bloat!

Note to self: was it the oil the sweet potato fries were fried in or the white potatoes...or both?  It's been very interesting to me that since starting the Whole30 my digestion has been off kilter.  Things slowed down almost immediately.  The Master Cleanse herbs haven't made a significant difference.  The only thing that forces the issue, literally, is dried apricots.  And not in a gentle way.

I have been very sedentary in the last month due to the fatigue.  I'm sure that ain't helping any.

The other thing is that I am drinking less.  Though that wouldn't explain the incredibly fast onset of change.  I think.  Who knows?

Interesting, interesting.

Whole30 food : : 26

I was down at the lab before 8am and had my fasting blood draw about 45 minutes later.  

From there it was on to the farmer's market for the best eggs, pastured beef and lamb, local corn for the menfolk, new pickles for Gem and me, local sheep cheeses for Sag (when I was handed a sample I hadn't asked for, I took it...and knew cheese will be coming back post-Whole30), and garlic stuffed olives...just for me.

The boys came down to help me with the bags and then settled into today's Pokemon episode.  Cap roused himself and I suggested breakfast out.  I was ravenous and unwilling to cook.  

We went to Toast.  I had a good cup of coffee (although the air conditioning in out section was on the fritz and I kind of wished I'd ordered an iced coffee).  I also had half a plate of corned beef hash with scrambled eggs.  I forgot to ask for it without the potatoes (if it was even possible).  I also ordered a side of sweet potato fries because they are gluten-free and vegan there and I really wanted Gem to try them.

It was interesting to be out for a meal after making the observations I had just yesterday.  More than anything, it was convenient, and nice, to be able to get out of the apartment, drive a few minutes and sit down to a meal together at an establishment that understands gluten-free.  Over half the food/drink we consumed was stuff we don't make at home (corned beef hash, home fries, deep fried sweet potato fries, milk shake, regular coffee).  We played a word game while we waited for our food (it is actually quite rare for the four of us to sit around a table for a meal together).

The bill came to just over $60 including the tip.  Was it worth that?  I guess that's one of the key questions for someone like me trying to wrangle a household budget that keeps teetering on the wrong side of balanced.

Another good thing that came out of going out: an opportunity for Sag and I to deconstruct and process his experience of "zealous" ordering and eating*.  He and I retired to the car early because he was feeling unwell after finishing his brunch of a milkshake and corned beef hash with scrambled eggs (he and I ordered the same thing, he ate just about his whole platter).  It was one of those incredibly awesome conversations full of clarity and enlightenment.

(he was very specific about setting up this shot.)

(*This morning's meal came after a night which included a thwarted attempt to see Ice Age 4 on opening night and going out for frozen yogurt instead.  Followed by intense emotional processing of how much it sucks to age and die.  "I've already lived 10 years...I only have 90 years left."  [This followed by ever pragmatic yet unhelpful older brother commenting, voice suspended in darkness, "90 years if you're lucky".]  The levity is not meant to take anything away from his experience.  He was very upset and fearful in the face of that yawning precipice of deep, dark night/nothingness.  I am sorry to say that a video I watched and he watched over my shoulder was a catalyst for his angst.  He, like his father, has a thing about fires burning down the house.)

I am feeling more energy today.  I'm curious to see what the blood work shows.  It seems like there may be a connection between my cycle and the lifting of the strong fatigue.  Maybe there is also a connection with the Whole30 being thrown in there, too.  If I remember correctly, this fatigue started before the Whole30...  For now, I will enjoy the return of some energy, wait to see what the blood work shows (thyroid issues?  low vitamin D?), and balance adding back in activity with resting.

Peace and love.

P.S.  The sweet potato fries...left a coated feeling on my tongue which I did not like.  I only had a few and felt like the baked "fries" we eat at home are way more flavorful and nourishing.

P.P.S.  The offending video (he likes the music part of the song, just not certain lyrics and the video).

So lucky

We spent the afternoon at Danielle's.  The boys played Minecraft with O and I hung out with my friend and her little guy.  It was very therapeutic.  I feel so lucky to be able to watch him grow.  (I knit him that striped blanket when he was born!)

Whole30 food : 25

"Don't let go, don't let go..."

Love when music provides just the right inspiration/directive.

Because I am in a mood and just about ready to be done.  Yet, typing "25" just shone a splash of comfort: blog as lighthouse...writing the process of moving on.  Even if only by a smidge.

Slept more and better than the deprived night before, but still tired.  Unfortunately, I am waking into a foul mood.

Not wanting to cook ---> wanting to eat out/get take-out ---> remembering eat out/take-out options for us are extremely limited (not to mention rough on the wallet) ---> realizing I don't really want to eat out/get take-out anyway ---> diving into the "go to" food du jour (ruing the lack of variety till I sink into satiation).

Grass-fed rib-eye steaks have been one of my "go to" proteins.  Seasoned with salt, pepper and granulated garlic, seared for four minutes on each side, rested for five minutes, done.  And delicious.

Peace and love.

Whole30 food : : 24

Banana with almond butter has become a go to snack post-ovulation.  Bananas are considered sugary as far as fruits go.  I wonder if my taste for them will shift with my hormones.

Slept like crap last night: between the kids piling in (one as I was going to bed) and my staying up too late because I couldn't put my book down, I don't think the sugar from yesterday's dark chocolate experiment could get a word in edgewise (but maybe it did).

Canceled my dinner outing.  (Bummed to miss the occasion and the rich, buttery French food.)  I don't feel quite as bone tired as I did yesterday.  Resting...and aiming to finish my book so I can go to bed earlier tonight.

My sister sent me this photo to cheer me up earlier this week.  It does the trick every time I look at it.

Peace and love.

Chocolate

I decided to try some chocolate to see if it would assuage my mood.  I had one old Valrhona 65% dark chocolate disk: too sweet and way too dry. 

Cap brought me back a Green & Black's 85% dark chocolate bar (which has milk powder in it, wtf?) and the first square was divine.  Instant joy and a flood of well-being.  Second square about 15 minutes later: nothing.

Now I have an almost headache.  My stomach doesn't feel great, either, but that I think is period related.  My head feels tight (not unlike how I felt during dinner at Rosa Mexicano) and my mood has dropped.

This experiment was enlightening.  Will settle in and wait for my sugar-free truffles.  Dark chocolate is powerful alchemy in a good way.  Sugar is powerful alchemy in a not-so-good way.

Live fast die old

Yes.

Shocker

I've been sucked into the vortex that is 11/22/63 (link to NYT review which I will read after I am finished with the book) and so have not been reading It Starts With Food (which would be the more applicable companion piece to this Whole30 experience).  If I were, I might have nifty soundbites to better discuss "the shocker".

My taste buds changed relatively quickly and I saw that one coming.

But, recently, I have begun to notice...and I'm not sure how to describe this...that my food imagining, my food expectation...how I think about food...has undergone a dramatic change.

• I am eating less...though I still sometimes accidentally make myself more food than it turns out I wanted (imagine neural connections shorting unexpectedly creating temporary mind-body disconnect)

• I am, much more often than not, wanting no more than I have

• I am completely neutral/disinterested when I think of/am around foods I haven't been eating...more than I ever would have thought possible

Two little epiphanies I've had today:

• if I do go out to dinner tomorrow night, I don't think I'll have the chocolate cake.  I simply don't want it anymore.  I know I don't want the sugar, I know I don't want the gluten.  yesterday, I think my body was calling for the chocolate in its PMS state.  I'd actually asked Cap to make me sugar-free truffles about a week ago, but he's been too busy.  I've been hearing the call for chocolate, but hadn't put two and two together.  when he makes the truffles, I'll have a supply in the freezer...and will experiment more intentionally with call and response.

• fruity dessert recipes (which overpopulate the blogosphere this time of year), whether gluten-free, dairy-free, vegan, paleo or primal, are so often pretty to peruse and yes, would be impressive to serve at some tea party I'm never going to have, but I finally got it today: do not be a prisoner to your own illusion that this is how your fruit should be used.  let the fruit float your boat.  (and if you are eating local fruit in season, and have cut sugar and grains and dairy out, I swear you won't feel compelled to have a fruity dessert, baked or frozen, you will be that satisfied.)

I am amazed that in three weeks my brain has been so turned around.  That I am no longer going through my day thinking about my next meal is profound.  I am looking forward to digging even deeper...more meal planning/budget balancing, more integrating CSA veg into my days and more making the kids' food more Paleo.

Whole30 food : : 23

Doing the Whole30 has certainly broken my coconut juice and mango kombucha habits.  There is nothing wrong with either of these drinks, health-wise, in my opinion.  Were they making me healthier?  Probably not.  Did I rely on them to give me happy boosts?  Probably.  Is there a benefit to not drinking them?  Yes, to our checking account.

I have rediscovered the simple joys of drinking water.  Partly, this is due to the fact that I have not replaced the electric kettle which conked out within a month of purchase.  My tea brewing really suffers if there isn't an electric kettle around.

I got my period early (yesterday afternoon's teariness suddenly explained) and am pretty danged tired.  So much so that I canceled my appointment with Vinny this afternoon.  I went to feed the rats early so I could have the rest of the day free to chill.  I have turned on the air conditioner ungodly early to avoid the late afternoon/early evening melts that seem to come out of nowhere.  (Yesterday was so lovely, with a breeze, had the windows open all day and then, boom, around 7pm it felt like the apartment turned into an oven.)  Also, I just feel better in the dry cool of the air conditioned air.

I'm glad it came early because I am hoping this will shift the timing of my period in August.  This may mean I won't be traveling to Williamsburg on the second day of my period.  (And that my period will essentially be done by the time we're down there.)  The bad news is that the second day of this cycle will be tomorrow.  I may cancel going into the city for Momoko's graduation dinner and the molten Valrhona chocolate cake.  (Which, incidentally, I am starting to feel I may forego anyway now that my little spike of PMS hormones has smoothed out.)

Anyway, back to tea.  As I washed up in the kitchen after our breakfast, I felt a tug for some iced tea.  In my one and only Terra outing during the Whole30, I had an iced herbal tea which I found completely refreshing and satisfying.  I didn't miss the honey at all.  It's become a little beacon of positivity in my mind's eye.  When the kids and I went to the library yesterday, I peeked in, but they were still on vacation.

So, after washing the oatmeal pot (Gem's breakfast request), I placed a pot of filtered water on a burner and went foraging in the tea basket.  Because I have my period, I decided to go caffeine-free.  Gentle appealed.  But, I still wanted flavor.  I chose Queen Bee, a tea Cap picked out for me last winter.  A tea that promotes balance, specifically tuning into cycles...sweet, floral, fragrant.  Perfect.

Once the tea is cool enough, I will pour it into one of our glass pitchers and get it real cold in the fridge.  Looking forward to that first restorative sip.

Sweet purple sugar plums!

...sounds like a great new way to express astonished delight, doesn't it?

It may be because I am off sugar, but this start to the fruit CSA has been memorable.  The cherries, the blueberries, the peaches and today, the sweet purple sugar plums.  The summer fruit has been delectable and distinctive.

What's going to happen come winter?

Whole30 food : : 22

Tried a new recipe today.  Placed equal parts olive oil and balsamic vinegar (about 1/2 cup each) to generously cover the chicken (4 leg/thigh pieces), 4 scallions chopped, 6 cloves garlic pressed, in large Ziploc bag and massaged.  Marinated for about two hours.  Transferred to baking dish and baked in 350º oven for about 30 minutes and then on high broil for about 5 minutes.

The verdict?  Smelled heavenly while baking.  Looked amazing coming out of the oven.  I think they could use some seasoning.  Next time, I will marinate longer and bake for a skosh longer.  The chicken was succulent and good...but I wanted more oomphy flavor.

Also...I was a bit distracted when making this dish.  I forgot to put the mustard in (would have probably upped the flavor overall) and I missed the 30-45 minutes cooking time and thought it said 30 minutes.  The recipe calls for salt and pepper, but then failed to insert when/how to season...which is how I missed the seasoning step.

This was easy to put together and I will definitely try it again!

P.S.  Shannon had the first piece and I was still full from my lunch.  I had one bite with some of her homemade sauerkraut and that was a winning combination.