Morning has broken

Last night the facade cracked and my tears washed away the coats of denial and stiff upper lip and brought relief. Basically, I unmasked my sadness and let myself feel it. Wise Julia says it must have been time. Wise Barbra says being in touch with my feelings is a good place to start. Las tnight, in the throes of my despair, I could hear wise Judy saying if Momma ain't happy, then ain't no one happy.

As I lay in my bed, eyes wide open at 2:00 am this morning, I vowed to reconnect with my two boys and spend the day WITH them, not around them, not on the periphery.

We were out of bed before 7:00 (should help me stick to another vow, to start going to bed at 10:00. What's the point of being a grumpy, irritable, stay-at-home, homeschooling mom? I still love me my Jon Stewart, but I need more sleep!)

One of the first things First said this morning was that he wanted to be absent from homeschool.

We stuck to the getting dressed and making beds routine. I explained that we needed to have a loose deal of agreeing to each other's requests. His request was that he get to check out the rest of the Knex toys on Amazon (we had started that a couple of days ago).

They helped sort the laundry and I got the wash going.

Breakfast of Peanut Butter Panda Puffs and soy milk.

We went on a walk. I explained that I'd heard of a bakery that baked gluten-free items sometimes. We agreed to check it out. We ran into Danielle and checked out how the kitchen renovation is coming along. We walked to the Montclair Bread Company. It's about seven blocks away from the house. We saw where the stream from Rand Park (2 blocks from our house) ends up, a much stronger stream near the bakery.

The bakery was a revelation.

http://www.thebreadcompany.com/breadco/main.htm

First chose chocolate chip cookies, Kinder chose hot cross buns, I chose leek and lentil soup. On our way home, First suggested we sit in Rand Park and eat. Which we did. On our walk home, we noticed knots in trees which had been one of the answers to one of the riddles we read out of our riddle book at the end of breakfast.

"It's between heaven and earth and is not on a tree,
In this riddle I have told you, but you can't tell me."

Once home we continued with the wash. We made our Weather Tree (from the Christopherus First Grade Curriculum). The kids played some. We ate a lunch of leftovers and the yummy leek and lentil soup.

I talked to Jay.

The kids and I went out to the backyard for some time outside. I started flipping through Roots, Shoots, Bucket and Boots and loved what I saw. First climbed what he could of the Japanese Maple and then asked for help relocating the spider with the very ong, skinny legs. Kinder sent Ginger (his stuffed animal cat) up and down the slide. The mosquitoes and their bites became a distraction.

I talked to Sandy.

The kids' comforter covers arrived. I ripped open the boxes on the porch and tossed them into the wash. Yellow for First, rose for Kinder.

The kids played some more while I made some nikujaga (a Japanese meat and potatoes dish that is so simple and out of this world).

I talked to Julia while I cooked.

Today was a day that had me coming in and out the door frequently (the washing machine is in the basement, no access through the inside of the house). Every time I left, I worked on the traditional Japanese phrases: "ittekimasu" (I'm leaving) / "itterasshai" (Go) and "tadaima" (Just got back) / "okaerinasai" (Welcome back). It never fails to delight my ears to hear them say something in Japanese.

Kinder tonight at dinner: "oh, only one piece of nikujaga this time" (after eating the one piece of meat that came in his second helping and digging around the potatoes searching for more---the correct way would have been to say one piece of "niku" (meat) but I didn't care---it was so cute).

The day felt longer, it felt way more relaxed. The kids weren't getting into tiffs. I think part of that was that they weren't being left to their own "free" play for as long as usual. I actually kissed them good morning this morning. There was more eye contact, especially from First.

What a relief.

Now they're in bed snuggled under their new back-in-the-northeast down comforters. Chatting about the comics and movies they will write.

Late afternoon saw me at the computer doing work for my online course, Cap took the kids to the comic book store in Nutley (Kinder is into The Human Torch from Fantastic Four and Spiderman. First is into Uncle Scrooge, Donald Duck's uncle). They picked up some groceries for our healing-from-surgery downstairs neighbor and then sprawled out on the livingroom couch reading today's purchases.

Cap's now at work till 11:00. I need to make some calls to coordinate whose coming over when to visit with Jay and Lily who will be here tomorrow for an overnight from Boston. Then, The Office and Grey's Anatomy.

It's a start

Sometime over the weekend I realized I would start up the "Happy Little Homeschool" on Monday (today). A small, rosy, interior light just went on and I was ready. Were my verses memorized? No. Do we have a blackboard yet? No. Did any of the scissors other than the kitchen scissors make the move to NJ with us? Don't know, but it's looking unlikely.

What was so obvious hadn't quite hit me the right way (I guess). The kids need to start. They need a sense of closure to the summer, our big summer of chaos and transition.

Yesterday I drafted a schedule, which First really wanted. He was surprised and a bit dismayed that he didn't get any Free Play until late afternoon. Well, that's first grade for you.

Here's the schedule:

• Wake Up

• Get dressed.

• Make beds.

• Breakfast.

• Brush teeth.

• Take walk (we walked to Edgemont Park for the first time---there's a pond, playground, geese, ducks and what appeared to be a cormorant-like bird, a monument to Montclair war dead, two baseball fields....).

• Circle (this was lots of fun---the highlight for me was singing a Japanese song, "Ookina taiko/chiisana taiko" [Big drum/little drum], and banging on the big and small taiko that Cap made in Sacramento.

• Form Drawing/Drawing (First began a Form Drawing block and Kinder worked on filling his whole picture with color).

• Snack (apple sauce and peanuts---First wanted to know if this would be the regular snack on Mondays, this kind of consistent "rhythm" being something which they are used to from their time in Waldorf settings).

• Wash Snack Dishes.

• Recorder/Free Play (First and I did some warm-up clapping exercises and then explored making different sounds with our recorders---Kinder had Free Play in his room).

• Read Aloud (I had wanted Cap to pick the book, so that he'd be with us in spirit, but he didn't get around to choosing one, so I ended up picking Finn Family Moomintroll on the fly).

• Make Lunch (I ended up letting them play and made lunch by myself---I gave First the option to help with lunch, but he went with Free Play :-)

• Lunch.

• Quiet Time (they were a bit wild after lunch---unusually quiet during lunch---so I had Kinder choose a book and we read on the couch---Appelmando's Dream by Patricia Polacco. Then they brought quiet toys and books into their beds for Quiet Time---this is where we are in the schedule as I type. First came out at about the 30 minute mark but has settled back after a couple of pleas to stay with me).

• Errands (library to renew some books and the craft stores for scissors, among other things :-)

• Snack.

• Craft Activity (cut leaves for Weather Tree).

• Outdoor Play (the backyard today).

• Free Play/Clean Up Toys (while I make dinner).

• Dinner.

• Bath.

• Bedtime Stories.

• Brush Teeth.

• Bedtime.

Now, for some pleasure reading time for myself. Oh, I'm distracted by the sound of the UPS truck pulling away. I think we have a package!

Oh boy

Things came to an abrupt halt today. I was making a shopping list, organizing my larger list into three smaller ones by store: the craft store, the art supply store and Target. Cap asked a question about money and things got tense. But, then, it became evident that it was time to push aside the algae and really look at ourselves in the waters of reality. And we were able to do that, which was good. Because, oh boy, money has historically been a big trigger of stress for us.

The transition and chaos of moving trumped absolute financial attention, for two months. So today, instead of going out and getting my things to continue to plan and prepare our space and activities, I took over the pile of paperwork that Cap had been working with since I left Sacramento. Reacclimated myself to our online banking site, revisited and updated my household money worksheets, and paid some bills.

So, what does one do when one feels like there is nothing "extra" to spend on something as basic as homeschooling supplies? Well, for one, I think as the next months roll by, I'll be able to figure out how to better economize (use online resources and books from the library, start a new collection of reusable items for arts and crafts, etc.) I'll also have a better idea of how much is coming in and how much is going out. Knowing the bottom line is important.

I don't know. I had my ideas of how to try to be as fiscally responsible with our move and transition. But, I wasn't able to bring Cap onto my "page". If you're in a couple, you have to work through things like this together, and come up with solutions that work for you, as a couple. But, it's so hard sometimes to deal with the outcome compared to what I feel the outcome could have been and I just wish I could do it all my way.

So, what to do with the piles of shoes without a shoe shelf? It's all I can do to not clench internally every time I walk by them....many, many times a day.

For the first time, today, I wondered if for my emotional health, I should put First in school. It is hard to continue to deflect my feelings of guilt that I haven't started "school" yet. It's actually more than that, the guilt I feel is because I am giving them so little concentated attention around learning. Between setting up the apartment (we're not done yet), starting up my online course (I always forget how much time that takes) and the fact that they are happy to play with each other and without much supervision and intervention, the three of us haven't been spending much time really together the last four weeks.

Of course, putting him in school wouldn't deal with the root of the problem, I still would not be giving him the time and attention I want to be if he was in school and I was at home. But, it would provide me with what I really need right now, which is a free babysitter! If I could have a babysitter for five days, six hours each day, I can't even imagine how much progress I would make, how much ground I could cover...

Hum

There's been a hum in my head, in my atmosphere. A busy-ness, an anticipation, a storm before the calm (I hope).

The kids have been spending all sorts of time on their own since we moved in about four (already?!) weeks ago. I've been wrapped up in getting our home somewhat settled, and getting my online course and students somewhat settled. The nuts and bolts of starting to homeschool were truly left for the last minute.

What's been nice is my lack, for the most part, of guilt, that unhelpful state of mind which can be so paralyzing.

Here's what my "To do and get" list looks like:

• wooden mop

• feather duster

• choose read aloud book

• learn songs for: dusting, mopping, washing (from the Mary Thienes-Schunemann cds)

• choose verses, songs, fingerplays for Movement and Beginning Our Day (I made my intial choices this afternoon)
Good Morning: Seasonal Treasury p. 13
Movement game: ST p. 16
Quieting verse: ST p. 15
Michael Row Your Boat Ashore: Joyful Movement p. 70
Counting verse: ST p. 21
Riddle: ST p. 20 (The kids are very into riddles and jokes right now.)
Five Little Leaves: ST p. 48
Okina taiko (Japanese song)

• sand/water tray (sand for form drawing; water for wet-on-wet painting)

• learn some jumprope chants

• sidewalk chalk

• t-shirts

• plastic sheet? cedar chips?

• non-toxic poison ivy control

• Day of the Dead (a festival I am thinking I'd like to incorporate into our yearly rhythmn)

• new mealtime blessing: ST p. 10

• learn handwork warm-up verse: Five Little Bells from JM p. 52

• recorder warm-up: clapping game from JM p. 78

• candied apples recipe: ST p. 61

• leaf banners nature craft activity from Earthways

• Festivals, Family and Food: craft ideas with found items from nature and wool

• porch sweeping verse: Autumn p. 54

• First day of fall ceremony (in lieu of the Waldorf/Celtic festival, Michaelmas)
verse
a family story telling of an act of bravery
presentation of wooden swords with a verse
song: This Little Light of Mine

• Halloween Lantern Walk @ Sunbridge College

• make a schedule to be posted/visually accessible for kids

• black board

• Sheep and Fiber festival

• apple picking (I located an organic orchard 2 hours away after too many minutes of scrolling through the New York NOFA site---my eyes are still burning)

The kids are asleep, worn out by our pizza and movie night last night with Danielle, Owen and Lukas. My kids get really ramped up and unnerved by movies. It was Toy Story. We watched about 30 minutes of it and boy were they a mess for most of the morning. So, tonight they sleep, Cap and I are about to veg out to Elf. Tomorrow, the Sheep and Fiber festival.

I'm back

I'm in a new town, in a new climate, in a new time zone. The Happy Little Homeschool will open for business on Monday. I can't wait for everything to be just right, because it ain't gonna be, anytime soon. Things are definitely good enough, though. Piles, schmiles.

I bought Donna Simmons' First Grade Curriculum for Waldorf homeschoolers. In a short time it has helped me focus my concentration and attention. Kinder has become First. He decided a couple of weeks ago he was going to do first grade, and the short and happy of it is that his clarity and will have prevailed.

I also bought Donna's Form Drawing book and we'll be starting with a two week block (unit) of making straight lines and curves. In the air, in sand, in mud, with fingers, with toes, on paper, with block crayon. We walked Baxter this afternoon (Takai and Lisa's dog who we're dogsitting for a week) and found straight lines and curves amongst the trees, signs, stream, etc.

We'll also start recorder and working with wool (which will lead up to learning how to knit). We picked out our recorders at Montclair Music the other day. Evergreen for him, apple green for me. Kinder was bummed that he wasn't getting one and then decided that I should get him an electric guitar instead. He longs to rock out.

Tomorrow, weather permitting, we will head down to the Garden State Sheep Breeders' 12th Annual Sheep and Fiber Festival. Here's a link to their website:

http://www.quintillion.com/gssb/festival/index.html

I'm hoping that we'll be able to touch some sheep, feel some raw wool, watch some spinning and maybe buy some wool that we can dye at home. This is one of the things I love about Waldorf, the emphasis on the whole. Let's look at some sheep before we start learning to knit. See where it all begins.