Small moments

Taking in the nourishment of small moments:

• the spontaneous and emotional hugs and kisses from my children.

• discovering at check-out that every single item I bought was on sale ($12 and change for three skeins of chunky yarn and a big roll of wrapping paper...holiday shopping that jingles my bells).

• local florists who deliver meadow flowers in Ball mason jars.  (my friend is heading home today *big smile*.)

• cold salami sandwiches with mayo and mustard on Udi's bread.

• Les Revenants/The Returned.

• realizing that my immune system is one tough and fiery broad.

• Earl Grey tea with honey and milk.

• munchkins and moon rocks (with my little man, Leo).

• the joy of The Killers and a great cover.

Peace and love.

Themes

rhythm.

Every November, for a number of Novembers now, I feel a spark and a twinge when I am reminded of NaNoWriMo.  I think, how cool would that be, to write a novel?  Or a solid first draft of one?  And then I quickly dismiss the idea because how dare I disrespect the art form by even dreaming I could do something like that?  I am hardly a writer.

Today, a blogger I follow posted saying she will post daily for the month of November (unrelated to NaNoWriMo).  And I whispered-thought, hey, that, I can do.

Going to the farmer's market with Kelly on Saturday mornings has become a lovely routine.  The company of a good friend, being a step closer to the rhythm of the season, the genial contact with local farmers, fish mongers and culinary artisans...it all fills me with anticipation and gratitude.

This morning I picked up cider from a local orchard (where we get our weekly fruit share from) and eggs and ground sirloin from Anthony.

moments.

The berries were red and because of the cloudy light, had a wonderful matte quality to them.  I couldn't angle my shot properly to catch the color, but liked the silhouette well enough to appreciate the image for itself.

flow.

Something clicked for Gem this afternoon and he worked on some comics with an unusual fervor.  We talked about how cool it is to feel and be one with that flow.

arts.

I read Marbles today.  It was an incisive and funny memoir chronicling a journey from diagnosis to successful treatment (after four+ years!) of bipolar disorder.  It had a lot of heart and I am glad I read it.  It was featured in this piece highlighting graphic novels by women that Sherman Alexie turned me onto via his blog.

I have been enjoying American Horror Story: Coven in its many aspects, and, as a whole.  I am a sucker for wonderfully utilized music and have been riveted by their application of Fleetwood Mac, and Stevie Nicks, in particular, for Misty's storyline.

Peace and love.

Weekend update

I am overwhelmed, yo.

In one of those hyperly-noticing-every-little-and-big-thing-I-wish-was-done-but-isn't places.

Yuck.

Here are the (seventeen) tabs I currently have open in Chrome:

• Ikea Hack Standing Desk For Shorter Ladies.

•.Gummy Bears recipe.

• my Goole calendar:

• Sesame Kelp Noodles recipe.

• Fresh Ginger Syrup recipe.

• Momastery post that has had me very seriously pondering a 40 day internet fast.

• Momastery post with amazing letter to child posted during her 40 day internet fast which has had me seriously rethinking the fast thing.

• Texts From Mittens.

• The Two Simple Equations That Lead To Financial Success.

• Louis CK Was Almost Right About Smartphones, Loneliness, Sadness, The Meaning Of Life and Everything.

• Gluten-Free Oatmeal Chocolate Chip Cookies recipe.

• another Gluten-Free Oatmeal Chocolate Chip Cookie recipe.

• A Raft Of Grief.

• Pasta With Pea Sauce recipe.

• Fig And Almond Cake recipe.

• Wanna Be On Your Mind:

• Silver Dollar Pancakes recipe:

The first thing that's kind of killing me: most of these tabs come with multiple thoughts/ideas attached to them.  

For example, the gummy bears recipe...

~~~I've been wanting to decrease the kids' sugar intake~~~they might like these~~~ooh the molds are on sale at Think Geek~~~I'll order a bunch of stuff to get free shipping~~~the Think Geek box arrived days ago and remains unopened~~~I spent a long time looking for other stuff to order~~~if I had just gotten the molds and paid for shipping I would have spent $50 less~~~I shouldn't have spent all that money~~~are the kids going to even like these~~~when am I going to make these~~~

Exhausting.  Stupid.  Unstoppable.

Well, seemingly unstoppable.

The second thing that's kind of killing me: this current reality of my desktop (in/arguably a virtual environment) totally mirrors the current reality of my home/body/mind (in/arguably my actual environments).  Lots of thoughts and ideas, intentions and dreams, converted into STUFF that PILES and GATHERS.

Sparks happy and bright devolve into dusty lumps forgotten-in-plain-sight.

This brings me down.  Not in the good-for-me grounding way described here, but in a pulled under into the doldrums way.

And yet, and yet, I push through...through these moments that are not comfortable (unfortunately, they are not comfortable for my little family, either), but are simply a part of my life.

Peace and love.

Delinquent

Ohhhhh I have been so negligent.  I am sorry.  The end-of-summer has brought with it a slew of activity: a week-plus in Northern California with the family, an overnight at my sister and brother-in-law's cabin upstate, and tomorrow, a Paleo birthday lunch for a dear friend.

I will be back here, regularly, hopefully tomorrow.  With lots of photos to share...and maybe an insight or two.

Peace and love.

P.S.  Here's an oldie but goodie, delivered to me earlier today from the Woodstock radio station.

Whole30 :: Day 9

The windows are open again.

(Part of me wants to drop the mic and exit the stage.)

I started feeling better last night and feel much restored by a solid 7 hours of sleep in a room with open windows.

But, as my eyes and mind clear, I see/feel so much clutter all around me, tangible and less tangible.

Let's move on.

The food situation has been good, occasionally tricky with fatigue in terms of what I've had at my disposal: food- and energy-wise.  I haven't been able to stick to the vague notion that I should try to have just one cookie a day, but I have stayed on the sugar-, grain- and dairy-free wagon.

 chocolate chili with garlic scape pesto.

lemon basil cookies with an iced decaf americano.

string beans from the farm with avocado oil mayo.

 desperation salad.

pastured egg scramble with scallion, scape pesto and purslane from the farm.

The kids are winding down their homeschooling work with me.  They are on break as of Monday until September.

I finished The Ticking Is The Bomb and loved it.  I'm waiting for a few books from the library now.  Dirty Wars is up next.  Also waiting for this and this and this.  It's funny, I really want to read this, but am waiting for it to come out in paperback so I can buy it.  It hadn't occurred to me to get it from the library...because I want it on my shelf.  I almost bought it at my indie shop a few weeks ago with a gift card, but decided to get two paperbacks for the same price.

On a related note, I am considering audiobooks.

Peace and love and Willie.

Hump day +1

Top bunk at sunrise yesterday.  Both kids had trouble falling asleep and then Sag had a very restless night, up and down a few times.  Here he finally slept and I staggered back to my bed (presently the fold out in the living room because I am an AC all-the-time person and Cap is an AC only-when-absolutely-necessary person).  I finally fell asleep around 5:30 am.

Believe me when I say that the level of sleep deprivation and disturbance I have been experiencing in 2013...sucks.  Yesterday morning when I woke up from my four hours, I was awash in negativity.  But, generally, I am accepting of it.  I think it is part of my menopausal story.  It is part of my parenting story.  Parts of me and my life that I would not have any other way.

Thanks to my work with Vinny over the years, and having a partner who gives me the space and time to be wholly who I am, I experience the natural stress that comes with sleep deprivation territory, but I do not pile on the stress that can come with "baggage" territory.  (The chorus of voices inside judging and criticizing from all possible angles.)

So, after a brief battle with the voices and a flurry of texting with Cap, I decided to postpone common meal one day and cancel my plans to go to tap class in the evening (the session started three weeks ago and I have not made it there yet...)  I headed into the kitchen and surprised myself with my productivity.  In retrospect, I believe it was kitchen therapy at work.

Roasted broccoli, cauliflower, zucchini and fennel from the farm...

baked chicken thighs seasoned with salt, pepper, garlic and Galena Street rub (huh, I just noticed at their site they list sugar in the ingredients...didn't notice that on my jar)...

weeded, washed, spun and stored two heads of lettuce...

made mayo using Nom Nom Paleo's old school method of whisking.  The trick is to have helping hands hold the bowl and keep you company...

I believe this method was quicker than using the blender...crazy...

and beautiful...

made pesto, too.  I used the beautiful bunch of licorice basil from our CSA share and some garlic scape, pine nuts, olive oil and salt.  It came out quite tasty.  The licorice flavor nearly obliterated in the blitz of blades.

By the time I looked up from all this Cap was home from work.  I finally ate something (a plate of chicken and veg, natch) after having no appetite all day.  Settled into folding laundry and watching an episode of The Newsroom.

I tweaked the kids' bedtime routine a little and talked to them about needing some sleep after the debacle of the night before.  They fell asleep rather quickly, I slept a solid seven hours despite Sag coming in at some point during the night, and woke up to this...

Common meal tonight, cooking and cleaning today.  I boiled my spuds for potato salad and have used this opportunity to write to cool down the kitchen.  I am also making a green salad and a fruit salad.  Cool kitchen, lots of chopping.

Here are some links and a song (it makes me sad but sometimes life is like that)...

• adding to my dreamy dream list

• caramel love

• outdoor art love

• eggy love

• as someone who loves a good hummus but has all but eliminated beans from her diet (even when I am not Paleo) this recipe for mung bean hummus has me very intrigued.  mung beans are actually seeds and not beans and I think won't give me the same digestive hassle.

• I like the idea of flavor boosters and love condiments, in general.  this one is on my list to make and give a go.

Peace and love.

Pupa

I've entered the next pupa phase.  Gettin' back on the Paleo path.  Today is going to be a quiet day of feeling chemically-induced crappy (this withdrawal is not the hardest its been, but tougher than the last time) and watching episodes of The Newsroom.

We had a lovely time at a family wedding near the water in Rhode Island over the weekend.

I dig this photo evidence: my hair is a hot mess (I believe more and more the plucking is due to peri/menopausal hormonal/chemical shifts), my body is like sausage...but I am radiating positive vibration.  My smile comes from a deeper well of contentment than a year ago.  I am part of this unified, happy and playful family.  The Spring was so chaotic...something inside me unstoppably tuned into the churning energies of new life and growth, of spinning momentum.  I feel I have been released into Summer.  There is relief (presently ironic given how much I have historically hated the type of hot and humid weather we have had for weeks), there is a blinking-into-light-like-a-mole, there is serenity.

I read Beautiful Ruins.  Loved the first half and the ending, felt it was kind of meh in between.  An entertaining and fast summer read, though, if you are looking for fiction.  A lot of people loved this book.  Maybe you will, too.

I am feeling like I have my Reader back with InoReader.  Here are some recent bits which resonated:

• What's In Prince's Fridge?

• Gluten-Free Goddess talking about FODMAPs and probiotics

• a recipe for dark chocolate truffles grain-free, vegan, sweetened with honey and stevia

• perhaps the most succinct clarion call I have ever seen regarding the lunacy of war and the lives and deaths of American soldiers

• I love this guy's writing...honest and vulnerable, thoughtful and intelligent

I leave you with my latest iTunes purchase...peace and love, people!

Nashville

Mrs. Coach's* daughters on the show Nashville are sisters in real life!  I had no idea.  I loved their performance of this Lumineers cover.


*Mrs. Coach (nickname) = Tami Taylor (Friday Night Lights) = Connie Britton (the actress) = Rayna James (Nashville)

P.S.  I am re-entering normalcy bit-by-bit.  Last week's drama was severe sleep deprivation.  Things are looking up.  Hoping to get back to more regular blogging anon!

P.P.S.  Peace and love by the bucketful.

The week

We've been taking walks and it got hot.

Cooking up carrot-tofu scramble for Gem.

Our meat guy at the farmer's market has had Brussels sprouts for the last few weeks.  Not organic, but so fresh and lovely.

Love noticing the plates we are still using from my childhood.  I remember these plates coming out of the Mikasa box and being so thrilled.  (The steak, a rare boneless rib-eye, was delish.)

Fantastic book.  Loved it.  Gonna buy it.  (This was a library read.)  I'm a wannabe physics geek, but do believe this would appeal to folks from various walks of life.

My body/energy/hormones have been nutty.  Think slog.  Vinny put three of these little pressure things on my right ear to help me this week.

The heat in the atmosphere, the heat gathering in my body, particularly rising to my head...all roads lead to iced coffee!

Lists have been helpful this week to pull my sh*t together.  The universe's gift to ADDishness.

The change in weather has also meant: pesto.

Moments like this serve as a reminder: I am so, so lucky.  And grateful.  This time with my kids...I am so blessed.

Special treat: Grace went to Hawaii and brought back chocolate to sell in the store.  She knows freaks like me will plunk down $10 for a unique bar.

It was worth it.  Fruity and floral, flavorful and bouncy.  Once in a lifetime bar.

This book is a revelation.  Quietly disquieting.  It's making me gawk and making me laugh.  It's breaking my heart.

He has had these Spider-Man pajamas since he was around five.  He loves them and still squeezes into them.

The weather is in transition.  Cold and wet today.

Heard this lovely Roberta Flack cover of a Bee Gees song on The Americans this week.  It was an emotional scene and the song heightened the gorgeousness of the visuals wonderfully.

Peace and love.

Ma(lady)

In lieu of what's in/on my mind which is: blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah...a pic I took today (the herb garden) and yesterday (me and the kids).

I got my period yesterday and it is forcing my hand: I must embrace irregularity and unpredictability one way or another.  The more joyful I am in the process, the better for me (and those around me).  

@#$%

I am allowing myself a day to feel this way.  To think about chowing down on a bag of potato chips or a slice or two of pizza.  To be borderline fetal.

Yesterday I was distracted by laundry folding and Shameless and became a cocoon.  Part of me resists all this inward-ing.  But it's pretty powerful.  I am dreaming up a storm and sleeping like a hibernating creature.

Peace and love.

Friday's child

Oh, hormones.  Oh, womanly wiring.  Oh, menopause.  I've been gettin' the blues and it's taking my breath away.  I have felt humbled.  And feel so lucky.  There are so very many of us whose lives and well beings are crippled by powerful and uncontrollable chemical imbalances.  What we call anxiety, depression, etc.  I'd honestly forgotten how intensely bad it can feel (and I've never been to the point of needing medication).

I spent the afternoon with Cap which is always grounding.  We ran an errand that was over a year in the making and then were brutalized by Whole Paycheck.  (We are going to try doing the weekly food shopping at Trader Joe's next week.)

By the time we'd picked up the kids and the groceries were put away, the last thing I wanted to do was make meatballs.  But, the ground lamb really needed to be cooked, which got my butt in gear.  I decided to simplify a logistical aspect of the recipe (the recipe is fantastic and simple) and rather than baking them on a greased wire rack over a foil-lined baking sheet, I baked them right on the sheet (verdict: virtually no difference in the quality of the meatball).

I am so glad I made the meatballs.  I had a serving with roasted broccoli and roasted plum tomato.  It was a truly comforting winter warmer kind of meal.  I am feeling much better, the emotional jag has passed.

I've been enjoying a new show called The Americans.  Alongside the other new show I like, Nashville.  Here are some songs which have tickled my eardrums thanks to the shows...

Peace and love.

Lucky as hell

Oh a dreary, dreary morning here today.  Rain just this side of freezing.  Here are some pics, memories of beauty and love, that cheer me to no end:

...the wisteria, and wild rose twined in it, against a post-storm clear winter sky; lunch with Donna (the curried sweet potato soup turned out to be loaded with clove and was not consumed...the salad, which I loaded with protein and avocado, was delicious); my very own herb garden...a birthday gift from Tiina who remembered my ruing the demise of my backyard chives as I plucked a plastic container of them at Trader Joe's one day.

I am so damn lucky.

Here's a song I heard on the radio yesterday.  Kind of fell in love with it:

Peace and love.

Gifts

Birthday package!  I think Jamie was disappointed because somehow these gifts lost their way a bit and took longer to arrive than expected.  But, I was thrilled to receive these goodies because 1) they're awesome, and 2) what's not to love about having the celebration stretch for as long as possible?

When Sag spotted the manatees, he crowed: "where did these adorable socks come from?!"

I am lucky and blessed to have such good friends.  People who see me, who think about me and love me.  I also love creativity and adore the gift certificate that Jamie made.  The photo is of me, from my blog.  The illustration of the bookstore is the visual logo of our indie bookshop.  I loooove this so much, I will use it as a bookmark and smile every time I see it.

Thank you, Jamie.

I have a wonderful nest egg for books for the year.  Part of me wants to trot up to the store and buy one right now.  But, I am finding restraint these days.  Between having a clearer financial beacon/set of practices, plenty of books to keep me busy for...a year, at least, on my bookshelves, and being more internally balanced/having a healthier relationship towards the act of shopping to "make" myself happy, I am going to hold onto my book fund for a rainy day.

There are a number of "things to do" calling my name.  The latest load of laundry is folded, a pot roast is in the oven, and my coffee is by my side.  This morning I am going to flip through The Wisdom of Menopause, a book I borrowed from Donna months and months ago.  And, maybe, The Thyroid Diet Revolution, a book I bought months and months ago which I have yet to really sit down with.

I leave you with an interesting blog piece I read this morning...and a quote and a song.

"It won't last, so be bold."

Peace and love.

Flying in the dark

I am barreling towards Winter Solstice.  As usual.  The forces of time and space and sense press in on me.  I feel like I am inside a sturdy old barrel the flow rushing me towards the mother of falls.

No splintering crash for me though.  I clearly see shooting out over the water and into the spray in slow-mo...  In the next frame I am on to the next thing.  A change of scenery.

December light.  Scarce, spare...still breath-taking...or maybe it's especially so.

I went to a lighting store with Leo and Danielle this week.  Never having owned my own home, this outing proved unexpectedly exotic.  A space packed with lights.  In December?  Electric heaven.  I surprised myself by loving this hanging crystal ring light.

I have been catching up on episodes of The Mindy Project.  They are little power shots of vitamin D, great for breaking up the long December dark.

Peace and safe flying.

States of being

Huh.

I did not plan or intend to be away from the blog for so long.

Insomnia (perimenopause related, methinks) has reared its bigass head this week.  3 out of the last 6 nights I have had trouble falling asleep.  As in lying in bed for hours upon hours.  I am getting a handle on things with Vinny's help.  Saw him Tuesday and am going again Saturday.

I am bewitched.  But not bothered (too much) or bewildered.

I am also...

stabbed with melancholy : : the light this time of year kills me...the low slant at 1:30pm momentarily breaks my heart.  daily.

intrigued by my latest book : : I tend to drink my fiction in big gulps, but The Wind-Up Girl, so far, is well-suited for a sip here, a sip there.

pulling my hair out : : literally.  this is not a big deal...yet.  but it's something.  (think bewitched.)

indulging in inspiration : : Kate herself is very inspirational.  but I am also inspired by her writing, her designs, her aesthetics, her pedagogy, her photography...I was going to put her new book on my holiday wishlist, but then went ahead and treated myself (I thought it might sell out!)

brought back to bliss : : seeing beauty in the midst of the tedium of doing/correcting math.

soothed by song : :

Peace and love.