Bliss

Back from Vinny's. Feeling good...

Taking time, making time

I'm noticing that I am not eating any slower. I have long been a "scarfer" and it's a hard habit to break. I would like to pay more attention to slowing down while I eat. Especially when I am eating less, until I adjust more wholly to eating for healing, it behooves me to take my time to eat.

I'm also noticing the challenges of eating at regular times of the day. I still don't often feel a true physical hunger. What I do sometimes feel is that hypoglycemic crashing when suddenly if you are somehow getting between me and my frantic food preparation, I will bite your head off.

Generally, I don't follow a schedule. This morning, I dove into paperwork catch up and was very productive for a couple of hours. A lot of odds and ends were taken care of. But, I had thought I was going to spend the morning cooking. So when the crash hit, I went tailspinning into the kitchen.

My mind went to the old standby. Eggs would be quick and filling and satisfying, it thought. But, my body, led by my eyes, grabbed the watermelon and put a small pan of water on the stove to boil.

Then my mind started talking: "rich foods in the morning". And I reached for the pine nuts. The delicious, so expensive pine nuts (to be fair, I know I will get much more bang for my buck eating pine nuts compared to, say, a steak or some other "expensive" food). I toasted a handful of those.

And though I still feel a hum of nervous energy beneath my skin, everything is okay. My body is insisting on healing itself and is kindly accommodating my pace and circumstances.

I am planning on practicing between 11:00 and 1:00 (a recommended time period). Off to take a shower and then drive Cap up to work. I will practice after the kids and I get back. Then we'll have our Floater Day lunch (more on Floater Day later) and I have an appointment with Vinny at 3:00. Dinner at Donna's tonight.

A day full of good stuff. Lucky girl. Truly.

Sounds like a plan

I've been feeling out of it knitting-wise. I have a number of projects languishing on needles, and even more, languishing in my mind.

There's a knitterly thing called Socktoberfest, a festival for knitting and loving on socks. I think it may be just the thing to bring some focus back to my knitting.

I have four pairs of socks promised/intended for various people including Gem and, a pair of my own on the needles since the summer. It would be good to get them "done" :-)

Happenings

The kids have been making a lot of mini-model sets lately.

Cap and the kids have resumed "table" activities with the start of Fall.


The kids are summarizing, making predictions, asking questions...their work touches on spelling, vocabulary, sentence structure, and other elements of writing.

I'm still thinking occasionally about eggs, but am not craving them anymore.

I've discovered the wonders of dipping fruit into boiling water. When you're eating for healing on the Dragon's Way, you eliminate cold foods (and drinks). Both in terms of the food's essence (according to TCM foods either have a cooling or warming essence), as well as, temperature and raw vs. cooked.

Yesterday I gave some cut up watermelon a hot water bath and was amazed at the change in flavor. There is so much flavor, but also, the experience somehow goes deeper. It feels so undeniably right. (Yes, you do lose some of the nutrient value of the foods by cooking them, if even briefly. However, for the purposes of acquiring qi and storing into your bank, any cool/cold essence/temperature will slow down the process.)

I had some more watermelon today and found myself tuning in to the color, and somehow the flavor, in a multi-sensory way. I felt like I was tapping into an old memory from another life. A rose colored silk couch...Victorian... Kind of crazy, even for someone as oral as I am. But, fun and opening, in a wonderful way.

I decided to warm my mango for lunch. As I was peeling it, I was immediately drawn to the color. In the organ system schematic we went over in class last night, the colors associated with each organ system was noted. Mango would probably fall under "yellow", which is "spleen" (mother/primary) and "stomach" (child/secondary).

Heh, heh, I just checked and the associated emotional activity for spleen is "overthinking". I feel as though I am coming out from a period of heavy overthinking. The environmental factor for the spleen is "dampness". I have definitely been feeling this.

On days like yesterday, when rain is coming or present, I can get achey in and around my joints and I felt that big time yesterday. My internal dampness reared up this weekend when my cat allergy flared up. I have extra mucous just waiting to go over the edge.

I am starting to pee a lot. Again, an indication of the extra water in my body. Practicing Qigong and eating for healing is releasing the excess water.

Hmm. The skin of the mango is green, though, which is the color associated with the liver which is the mother of all organs for those of us in "the West", and certainly is for me. Associated emotional activity? Anger. (In my case, way too much suppressed over years and years.)

I'm enjoying thinking about this stuff as it comes up. Looking forward to heading out to the supermarket for some scallions and bamboo shoots. And maybe some fennel.

Laughing in the shower

I figured something out while taking a shower. Or, rather, a puzzle piece fell into place. Or both. And, I laughed. It made so much sense, this piece of information. And it brought a lot of relief.

I'm sure the heat of the shower helped, as well, but the tightness and ache I'd been feeling all day in my triceps/deltoids has loosened. Now it hurts if I press where the tightness had been, but the area is much looser.

Now I wonder what will transpire for the tightness in my right hip to loosen up...

Basically, I was able to step back and see how I could apply the TCM principle of craving to my own emotional cravings of the last 6 months, year, last 6 years, etc. I am beginning to see benefits to identifying emotional, as opposed to, food cravings.

Even as I would indulge my food cravings (which made me feel "good"), there was a part of me that thought of this as "bad". As I begin to rethink cravings, whether it's for food or the desire for some sort of emotional fulfillment, it's critical that I move away from this kind of good/bad dichotomy.

A craving is real. It is communication. And, if it can be authentically met and responded to, at its root, balance will be achieved and flow will resume. If it is tended to superficially because the true message is not received, it will return. Our bodies, our organ systems are amazing. They will not give up on themselves, they will not give up on us.

Doing Dragon's Way, practicing Qigong and building up my qi, I am tapping into clarity that lights my way.

P.S. I just had some yummy food. I sautéed garlic from the farm with ginger, scallion and red onion, in olive oil. Added a toss of salt. Then I peeled and sliced an eggplant from Plympton into 1/2 inch rectangle-y pieces. Threw them into the pot. Chopped a tray of "gourmet" mixed mushrooms and tossed those in. Once every thing had spent some time together warming up, I added some water (about an inch?) and some drizzles of Bragg's. I covered it and let it braise for 10 minutes. It was delish.

P.P.S. Thanks for being a Dragon's Way lighthouse, Kelly.

Vulnerable

I've been feeling vulnerable the last couple of days. Trying not to hate feeling this way. Trying to be with it and keep moving.

Two people I love hate each other right now. It has been increasingly hard for me to deal with this. I have experienced a helplessness that is uncomfortable. And guilt. The weekend brought some of this to the forefront.

Then I ended up going off the rails with someone I love. Which never feels good. And left me feeling insecure. The feelings of insecurity really harken back to adolescence. Which kind of sucks, but I suppose can simply be taken as communication from my body/mind as I go a bit deeper with Dragon's Way.

I really wanted to eat eggs this morning. An old standby: poached eggs on toast with mayo. I started resisting at first, but then changed my mind set. Encouraged my mind to translate the urge a different way. My body and mind wanted comfort.

Deeper than giving myself a meal of poached eggs I saw there were other gifts and responses. So I toasted some walnuts. Dipped some watermelon into boiling water to take the cold off. Then poached some apples and pears. Next will be sautéeing eggplant (from Plympton) and mushrooms with some garlic, scallion, ginger and Bragg's.

It's not over. My uncomfortable feelings are jumping and crawling about right under my skin. But, I have things to do while I work towards transformation.

A weekend in pictures

Preparing food while the Y chromosomers sleep.

The acorns this year have stripes. I wonder why.

Colors are changing.

Hatching a plan.



The George Washington Bridge, upper deck. (Gem's preferred way of crossing.)

Sag communing with the wind.

Karen's.



Morning play.

A bulldozer of a cake. The perfect way to top off my "last (farewell) meal". Butter cream frosting, Mummu's spinach dip (it tastes best when made by her hands), and Jay's grown up mac and cheese with broccoli, tomato and bread crumbs.



Um, look at the color of Evie's hydrangeas. Never seen anything like that. Wow.

Back on monday

Bye.

DW observations

So far today...

• I ran to get something from one room to another. Not because I was in a rush, but because my body felt like it. It felt good (and shocked me :-)

• I had a few bites of the oatmeal leftover from Gem's breakfast. It tasted preternaturally sweet (brown sugar and maple syrup). My taste buds are recalibrating fast.

• "I can take care of myself." I spoke these words to Jay in response to her concern about my food needs at Theo's celebration Sunday. As soon as I spoke them I was infused with power. I felt a quiet, profound confidence. In myself, and in the Universe. This is qi.

My new socks. And my homework. Six chapters by Monday.

Less is more but I want more

Breakfast. Toasted walnuts and Master Lu's "Digestion" tea with honey. If you have never toasted walnuts and eaten them warm, please do. I don't think you will regret it (unless you're allergic to walnuts). I just toss a handful into my little skillet and heat them up. You do have to be mindful so the nuts don't burn/smoke. They are so rich and robust and warming.

The tea is a staple for me and the kids. A member of the family, really.

This plant keeps growing! I am concerned that the pale green leaf is suffering from lack of space/nutrients. I really must find a bigger pot for this plant which thrives, not despite me, which I had long thought, but because of me.

So...the wanting more. I want a camera. And an iPod (with a deck for the kitchen and to be able to connect to the car stereo). I am inclined to just get these items for myself. Dip right into the savings which really isn't savings because we still owe my parents money for rescuing us from credit card debt.

Ego and will.

Sleep

I'm dreaming more. Falling asleep more easily. Staying asleep. I am not waking comfortably. My stomach/gut continues to announce itself with some form of heat. And I don't feel rested though I definitely have more energy when I open my eyes.

I love that Dragon's Way is a 24 hour process. That my qi is moving and flowing even as I sleep.

Practiced #10 for 5 minutes yesterday morning. Let's see what I can do this morning.

Winding down

Gem always has a little something to eat and drink before going to bed. It seems to me to border on being a compulsion, but I am not here to judge. Let's call it a ritual...part of his rhythm.

I find it deeply satisfying to have a clean kitchen at the end of the day. It fills me with peace. Are you reading this, Cap? ;-)

Sag has taken to hanging the dream catcher right by his pillow to keep the bad dreams at bay. The amazing thing about this dream catcher, which my parents brought home to us from a trip out west years and years ago, is that it works. Every time that someone has given it intention, for protection, it has come through for us.

This has been their set up for awhile. Sometimes, Sag gets up into his lower bunk, but more often than not, they sleep together on the floor.

Their new slippers arrived today. Gem's are kind of hilarious. In real life they look like they're made of Elmo. For real. Sierra Trading Post came through with free shipping and everything.

Good night to you.

Enough about me

Mason and Gabriel are over. DS and banana bread and talk of various super heroes and alternate universes. Life is good.

So...

...seeing Vinny was, as usual, very helpful. He was very directed in his work on my body and energy and I felt so much more like the me that is familiar and true afterward. It's always a relief, and quite moving, to be returned to myself. 'Cause it all feels real when it's happening, the good, the crazy, the bad. But, it feels best when it's the good. Landing on terra firma.

He recommended that I ease into the foods this week and that if I cut out meat and dairy, that's good enough. He stressed that the qi gong practice is more important to hook into. We discussed movement #10, which is my Achilles' heel. No discussion, actually, it just needs to be done. The more I do it, the better it will be for me.

#10: The Dragon Stands Between Heaven and Earth. My nemesis. I think of it as a standing meditation pose. The challenge for me is that I find it very difficult to quiet my mind. And stay still. And have some discipline. Sigh. It is not complicated...I have a serious block against it.

So, I enjoyed our meal at Yifat and Max's. I stayed away from meat and dairy, though I could not refuse the chocolate chip cupcake topped with pomegranate whipped cream. Max whipped the cream and added pomegranate molasses to it, his own flourish, which he was so excited to share with us. At the best of times, life distills down to the giving and receiving of love, whatever form that takes.

P.S. I have broken out in itchy hives on my lower legs and forearms. It's possible that they are bug bites, but unlikely. I think I would have felt or heard it getting bit so many times in such a short span of time.

P.P.S. Talking to Yifat tonight illuminated some things for me...so lucky and grateful to have insightful and caring friends.

Abundance of cuteness

A certain abundance of cuteness is turning 2. We will be celebrating his birthday this weekend in Plympton.

Inspired by a hat that Melody recently knit for one of her boys, I went stash diving and found some Wool-Ease Chunky that Gem had picked out awhile ago for a project, which has since been abandoned.

I started the hat using one pattern and ended with Melody's pattern. (Thanks, Melody!) It knit up quickly and is cozy...but it is also incredibly dense. I wondered if it would be too heavy, but it feels okay.

Gem thinks it looks like an Acorn Hat. I'm inclined to agree. Cute, cozy, washable...pretty perfect.

Lull

I feel like I am in a cocoon. The sounds I hear are muted. Sensation...subsided.

Gem came to me around 3am and though I sensed him, I didn't wake right away. And when I did, my mind was alert, but my body was comatose. I was able to get my mouth to work well enough to rouse Cap so he could help him.

I woke on my own at 5:20. Probably because I was drenched in sweat. It was the oddest thing. The night clothes I had on were nearly soaked through. I was discombobulated till I realized I needed to change because I was uncomfortable. Afterward, I fell back asleep.

I woke again shortly before 8am. But, it took my body about half and hour to catch up, which is when I finally got out of bed. The boys' bodies felt warm and good on either side of me.

It's amazing...powerful to feel the effects of Dragon's Way at night, in my sleep. I don't understand, but I hold on.

I don't understand, but I hold on. Those were words that came to me via White Bison this morning. Words that bring light to moments that could go either way, light or dark.

I foresee a quiet day. Vinny this afternoon and common meal at Yifat and Max's tonight.

I am not hungry this morning.

Grrr

Oh, I am in a mood.

Three loads of laundry folded while watching three episodes of tv. Up too late with cranky kids who are overtired. Working on a semi-stealth knitting project, with a deadline, that is starting to feel like it's not going to work. And, guess what? I'm hungry! Take me away, sleep, take me away.

Ahhh

This is the smile brought on by egg whites.

As Gem and I drove home from the Y, I started thinking about bread. And eggs. By the time we were home I was getting wigged out. I was close to tears wanting a fried egg sandwich. With mayo.

Cap had rice going in the rice cooker so I decided to wait for that and to sauté something to go with it. Scallion, red onion, olive oil, salt, pepper, and two egg whites. It was heavenly.

I am noticing already how boosted the flavors of my food taste. And, how I didn't miss the bread, egg yolk or mayo. Gonna keep on truckin'.

It's in the genes

It's weird to start resembling my mother's face after a lifetime of not.

Fits and starts

Hungry, faint, all around wobbly continues. But, I'm less tired. I can detect that through the layers. I took a walk while chatting with Karen on the phone. A catching up and breathing out that felt good. She has been very sick. Wash those hands, people.

I came home and hit the kitchen. I'm doing my cooking and eating on the fly. I sautéed scallions, mushrooms and tofu in olive oil and added a dash of Bragg's. I was consumed by a frenetic energy from being so hungry. I starting eating as I walked through the apartment and to the computer.

What on Earth? I'm always getting on the kids to not walk through the apartment while eating and if I ever see anyone with food or drink anywhere near the computer, I'm all hell to the no!

It'll smooth out. I know. But, the crazy...wow.

Gathering qi

Kelly helped me with her wise and loving words yesterday. (Thank you :-)

She explained that doing Dragon's Way in the Fall is different than the Spring. Because we here in the northern hemisphere are internally driven to begin storing fat for the winter, it feels counter, not only to intuition, but to the way our bodies "feel", to cut out animal fats and proteins. And to be eating less. And not carbing up.

It feels very different to me. 24 hours in, I am hungry. I was hungry and grumpy by yesterday afternoon and this morning I haven't gotten past movement 6 because my hunger is driving me to distraction. I woke hungry, fed my online self, then began to practice. Gem woke up and migrated to the big bed.

Sag woke up and migrated, too, but he didn't fall back asleep and came back out soon afterward. His "tummy" hurt. I deflected his request to play with the DS and we snuggled and I rubbed his stomach spots on his feet and legs. Then he asked me to read to him which is a rare occurrence and I jumped at the chance. He chose a classic: Captain Underpants :-)

Funny how spending authentic time with your child (or anyone, really) can stave off the pangs of hunger for a spell. What's magical is when spending time with the words of a friend can do the same.

What Kelly told me yesterday was this: think of this process as storing qi. Transform the urge to store fat to the urge to store qi. That's what the Dragon's Way is: replenishing your personal bank of qi...most of us grown ups are operating with a deficit of qi, or with a teetering barely balance. Most of us are unaccustomed to even feel our qi and so the urge to have it in abundance, to gather it when we need more, is not primal.

But, maybe it never is... Maybe that sort of balance just "is" and there is no urgency that accompanies it. Maybe what I think I need to feel is moot. But, I can think of this hunger in a different way. Shift it, to make it work for me, rather than against me.

Mark Sandman/Morphine

Mark Sandman was a musician embedded in the Cambridge/Boston music scene. At the time we were living in Cambridge, he was in a band called Morphine. (The name of the band was apparently derived from Morpheus, the god of dreams, rather than the painkiller... though, sadly, he probably knew a thing or two about those having been robbed and stabbed in the chest while driving a cab...)

I don't know what brought me back to Morphine yesterday while YouTube surfing. I haven't listened to them in many, many years. But, I stumbled upon their music again, there they were, and it was amazing. His voice, their sound, the words, the mood... Beautiful, haunting, romantic...hooking into me more at 43 than it did at 30.

Mark died in 1999 at the age of 46. His heart gave out while performing.

C-c-c-crashing

Grumpy. Hungry. Class looking less and less likely with each passing minute.

Sag's GI system is not cooperating. I've put in a call to my brother to see if he can come watch the kids after work. But, he hasn't called back...he may not even be in the state for all I know (he travels frequently for work).

I'm realizing there's a connection between feeling bored and eating.

And today when our plans to go to the park and meet up with friends were scrapped because of aforementioned uncooperative GI system, the perky energy from earlier in the day was gone, taking with it any natural inclination to do something productive like wash the kitchen floor.

I'm feeling a little dizzy. But, I'm also already feeling some clarity in my system. I feel a lightening. Hence the dizziness perhaps... Talking in circles. Time to go.

I've toasted some walnuts and been noshing on those. Making spaghetti with meat sauce for the Y-chromosomers. I am jonesing for some eggs. But, I will sauté mushrooms and scallions and tofu for my dinner instead. Maybe I'll make some apple or pear compote for the morning.

DW week 1, day 1

I am feeling it. Deep joy. Dragon's Way starts today.

I look tired. I am tired. And my face and body are full from all the meat and cheese and ice cream I've been consuming this week...ostensibly to say "good-bye". I had onion rings a couple of days ago. I hadn't had onion rings, a food I used to love, in a long time actually.

I noticed that the letting go of these foods was very mental, as opposed to, physical. But, emotional nourishment through food is a big part of my relationship to eating. The shift that I am encouraging in myself is to dwell in the positive emotions and associations rather than the negative ones.

I woke up this morning to a child who needed help. I took a few breaths and got out of bed. And helped. He decided to stay awake. (And has been quite a snuggle bunny ...I think he's going to be tired this afternoon and evening.) (Another thought...the now nightly ritual of back rubs is opening him up in some wonderful ways...the snuggling...that kind of connection and nonverbal communication is so powerful.)

I check my "e-mail" a lot. This involves my actual e-mail account, Google Reader, Ravelry, and Facebook. In the morning, I usualy blog, as well. Well, as it worked out this morning, I wrote a blog post last night and set it to post for today. I wanted to clear some space for qi gong. I did still check my e-mail, but then I practiced qi gong for the first time in over a week...maybe two.

It was delicious. The gentle stretching of the tendons infuses me with well-being. Why why why why why then do I not practice every day? It's the frakking paradox of my life. I did movements #1-9. Still have a block going against #10. But, I figured I'd have the chance to practice that one tonight at the first class meeting.

Afterward I was perky with energy and showered, dropped off our library items and shopped for some healing foods, all before 10am. (Those of you who work 9-5 may feel horrified that this feels like some sort of accomplishment...being home with the kids is a whole different world for me...)

I made a veggie soup with red onion, garlic, ginger, celery, carrot and broccoli. I used some of the chicken stock I made the other day and tossed in some vegetable bouillon. Gem requested home fries so I spent some time peeling fingerling potatoes, some of which I was calling finger-tip-ling potatoes. The kids and I finished off a bowl of red grapes as I cooked and they read at the kitchen table.

I never got to toasting my walnuts, but did make watermelon "juice" for the first time using all the parts of a few slices of watermelon. I did drink half a small glass. I envisioned myself a dragon for that one. It was...challenging.

I actually am unsure that I will make it to class tonight. Sag's GI system continues to be sensitive and I'm not sure I want to saddle a friend with potentially having to deal with that and all it can entail...

Regardless, I am enjoying this shift in focus...the quiet energy...the lift in mood.

Fall Equinox

We went on our Fall Equinox walk a day early and without our usual companions. Silke, Roger and the kids have been in Germany all summer. They return at the end of the month. It will be so good to see them. They are missed.

Cap is up at school on Mondays this semester so we went on our pond walk on Sunday. It was a balmy, beautiful afternoon.

Happy Equinox. May you feel the power of balance today.