Throwback thuesday

Still holding on hard to this extraordinary egg 20+ years later.  News of best possible outcomes continue to trickle in.  Gratitude, joy and relief overfloweth.

Peace and love.

Exhale

As I took my last bite of braised red cabbage and apple scrambled with chopped plum tomato and a pastured egg with a drizzle of fish sauce (Red Boat = sugar-free)...my body released a tiny moan of pleased satisfaction.  And I felt so lucky.  And I felt so grateful.  (The soup is butternut which deepened overnight into a super savory delight.)

Yesterday I read an interview with Ann Leary and was struck by something she said:

"I think what people who aren't alcoholics don't understand is that denial isn't a refusal to believe the truth on the part of the alcoholic. They actually believe their truth. You know, it's not that they're turning, you know, a blind eye. They actually are in a different reality than their family members."

As I shift into a Dragon-y phase, I am quietly stunned by my pieces as they fall into...a different more healthful design.  I am the same, I am still me...yet going to class and practicing the Qigong movements for just a few days has brought about a subtle sea change.

(Eating less; feeling naturally and actually hungry, as opposed to, the more familiar clawing anxious seeking comfort hungry; being aware of the ebb and flow of nourishment and inflammation/distention; feeling more focus; feeling more calm.)

I don't think I am a true addict, but I know I have the tendency in my DNA.  I wonder if this has landed me in the center part of a Venn diagram.  I am capable of going into "different realities" while simultaneously believing that in doing so, I am refusing to believe "the truth".  That's some serious push and pull and would explain some things.

Anyway, all the tension and chaos of the past few months are quickly being left in the dust.  I am feeling good.

The weather has turned autumnal again and I am obsessively enjoying my new robe, the second robe I have ever owned.  It is cozy and colorful and chenille.

I am rediscovering the joy of apples.  Local, low-pesticide fruits fresh from the orchard.  YUM.  The color, texture, fragrance, flavor...unbeatable.

I hope you are thoroughly enjoying something today.

Peace and love.

Check!

I showed the kids Texts From Mittens (and immediately thereafter knocked the tab off my desktop).

I am incredibly lucky that my life is my life.  Never not know I feel this way.

Peace.

Happenings

The viruses continue to stalk and stake claim.  But, we have been paying them less heed.  Interestingly, it seems to not have made much of a difference...but there is an element of "ragged" coloring itself in with more force than is pretty.

So, though I sent the kids off to swimming class, I think the rest of the day will be a quiet one.  For them.  Me, I have a date with a friend for tea.

What's been happening:

• went to Ikea with Sag and Cap to flesh out this idea we've been brewing to possibly put a loft bed in the kids' room.

• decided to go back to bunking the beds we have.  one of the things Sag loves about his bed is the mattress and we realized that mattress probably cost as much, if not more, than the loft bed frame.  it's a good quality mattress.

• something ephemeral reached out to me from the spirit of the woman working the register at Ikea and I struck up a conversation with her.  above and beyond my usual: how are you doing?  it turned out she was going to a wake after work for a co-worker who died suddenly of a heart attack.  she was 28 and left an 8 year old.  we were gripped in such a moment of truth and sadness.  I asked her if I could give her a hug and she said yes.  and we hugged.  it was a really interesting moment.  I think both of us behaved in ways we normally wouldn't have, but it worked and felt right and was gratifying and connected.

• our 25th college reunion is coming up.  we had a long conversation about whether we wanted to go or not last night.  I have yet to attend a college reunion.  I kind of feel like if it's going to happen, 25 is it.  I bet it would be pretty fun.  but we have a summer vacation plan percolating and I am not sure it will be in the budget to bookend the summer with not usual fiscal events.  we shall see.

• fell off the Paleo wagon.  it literally does not feel good: super itchy skin, bloating, aches and pains, brain fog, irritability.  but, man, the draw is incredible once off.  off gluten again as of today, off everything else Monday.

• not a coincidence that my interest meter ran out around the time I fell off the wagon.  made it 7 weeks before I started feeling bored with my food options and routines.  also interesting: the bits of non-Paleo food I've been eating have not been very satisfying.  last night's white pizza with fresh garlic from Whole Foods was.  that was very tasty.

• I'm getting tired of meat.

• feeling loved.  as I so often do.  I am one lucky creature.

• wearing my manatee knee-highs, which I love.  as most of us who grew up in the 70s, I wore knee socks a lot.  but once I was became a young adult, I ditched them because I was not a fan of my calves and felt knee socks accentuated the calves.  here I am decades later and I pulled on my birthday manatee socks with some trepidation because they were the dreaded length.  I LOVE them, Jamie!  they are so warm and cozy.  and, frankly, I think my calves appreciate the freaking support!  I am officially, again, old middle-aged.

•  Anna sent me some books.  the ones I was hemming and hawing about over at Amazon.  thanks, babe.  I am very happy to have the big old menopause doorstop of a book to peruse at my leisure over the next few years.  my stack grows and grows.  as Gem says, wish the could be 48 hours instead of 24.

• this has been cracking the kids and me up:

• and this woman just continues to inspire me and make me smile:

Peace and love.

Lucky as hell

Oh a dreary, dreary morning here today.  Rain just this side of freezing.  Here are some pics, memories of beauty and love, that cheer me to no end:

...the wisteria, and wild rose twined in it, against a post-storm clear winter sky; lunch with Donna (the curried sweet potato soup turned out to be loaded with clove and was not consumed...the salad, which I loaded with protein and avocado, was delicious); my very own herb garden...a birthday gift from Tiina who remembered my ruing the demise of my backyard chives as I plucked a plastic container of them at Trader Joe's one day.

I am so damn lucky.

Here's a song I heard on the radio yesterday.  Kind of fell in love with it:

Peace and love.

Gifts

Birthday package!  I think Jamie was disappointed because somehow these gifts lost their way a bit and took longer to arrive than expected.  But, I was thrilled to receive these goodies because 1) they're awesome, and 2) what's not to love about having the celebration stretch for as long as possible?

When Sag spotted the manatees, he crowed: "where did these adorable socks come from?!"

I am lucky and blessed to have such good friends.  People who see me, who think about me and love me.  I also love creativity and adore the gift certificate that Jamie made.  The photo is of me, from my blog.  The illustration of the bookstore is the visual logo of our indie bookshop.  I loooove this so much, I will use it as a bookmark and smile every time I see it.

Thank you, Jamie.

I have a wonderful nest egg for books for the year.  Part of me wants to trot up to the store and buy one right now.  But, I am finding restraint these days.  Between having a clearer financial beacon/set of practices, plenty of books to keep me busy for...a year, at least, on my bookshelves, and being more internally balanced/having a healthier relationship towards the act of shopping to "make" myself happy, I am going to hold onto my book fund for a rainy day.

There are a number of "things to do" calling my name.  The latest load of laundry is folded, a pot roast is in the oven, and my coffee is by my side.  This morning I am going to flip through The Wisdom of Menopause, a book I borrowed from Donna months and months ago.  And, maybe, The Thyroid Diet Revolution, a book I bought months and months ago which I have yet to really sit down with.

I leave you with an interesting blog piece I read this morning...and a quote and a song.

"It won't last, so be bold."

Peace and love.

Tuesday tidbits

Kate gave me a print of one of her photographs.  I love its melancholy, yet hopeful, beauty.  It reminds me of her, and always will.

A Tweedledum...or Tweedledee shot of me.  I was curious to see if my "skinny" jeans would fit yet.  I don't think "fit" is apt, but I did get them on.  I feel like I'm wearing a denim pair of Spanx.  And definitely having a Phylicia Rashad moment which only Jennifer would understand and she doesn't read the blog.  Basically, what rolls cannot be contained are pushed up over the top.
 

Danielle gave me this pretty pendant and the gift of picking out books for myself at our indie bookshop.  This was made by a local artisan who has an Etsy shop, but also sells her wares at the bookstore.

The tub and its grouting are bleached and somewhat scrubbed (I'll admit it, I three-quarters-assed it). the pork roast is rubbed and back in the fridge...I need to get a pot roast prepped and in the oven for a flu-struck family before I get over to Vinny's for treatment.

Peace.

Yum

I was thinking I'd take a day of rest from blogging, but when I took my first heavenly bite of breakfast, I thought: oh my god, I have to blog this!

The week between Christmas and New Year's Day is kind of a blur.  Forgive me if I am repeating myself.

One of my gifts from Cap was a bottle of porcini infused olive oil, bought at a local olive oil shop.  How is that even viable in today's economy?  I confess, the idea of an olive oil store was so absurd that I pretty much put it out of my mind when I heard about it.

Well.

This porcini infused oil has elevated my nearly daily plate of scrambled eggs in ways I never dreamed.  It is so damn good.  Aromatic, savory, delicate yet powerful...incredibly yummy.  Coincidentally, my sister-in-law introduced me to truffle cheese while we were in Massachusetts.  Another astonishing, unbelievably lovely bite.

I see truffle salt in my future.

If this post appeals to you even a tiny bit, please do yourself a transformative favor and try some porcini or truffle infused olive oil or cheese or salt.  The stuff is pricey, but a smidge at a time is truly all you will need.

Forget Calgon, fancy fungi, take me away!

P.S.  Here's a piece on the shop that I missed over the summer.  Can't wait to go :-)

And just like that

...I feel much better.

Monday evening as Sandy bore down on us, I think my brain was fried a little bit.  It did something to my chemistry.  I've been dogged by imbalance for days.  Something shifted overnight (perhaps the sugar in the cookies I indulged in at common meal last night?) and when I woke up this morning I could feel a distinct and happy difference...in my mood, my outlook, how my body/mind felt.

Grateful.

...our phone/internet/cable was restored.

On Tuesday morning I used up nearly an hour of my limited mobile phone minutes on hold with Comcast to generate a ticket for a technician to come out at some point in what I thought would be the distant future.  Because the telephone wires had been brought down by the tree section in the driveway, I knew it was going to take more than flipping a switch to restore service.

The landlord cleared the very large tree section (branch doesn't do it justice, it was a big thing) yesterday afternoon, Comcast came by this afternoon (serendipity) and now we are back online.

Grateful.

...Sag was diagnosed and began treatment for strep.

Late last night he began complaining of a very sore throat.  Honey didn't help, salt water gargle didn't help, ice cream did.  But he had a lot of trouble settling to sleep.  A backrub past eleven pm finally did the trick.

This morning, we discovered that our family physician was providing care with a shivering skeleton crew.  With no power and no phones.  She performed a rapid strep test which came back positive and prescribed antibiotics.

He's already starting to feel better.  He took a 3 hour nap.  We are gently feeding him ewegurt (a locally made sheep's milk yogurt) and toast.  By this time tomorrow, I think he'll be close to back to normal. 

If she hadn't been open, if we didn't have a neighborhood doctor, we'd likely be at an emergency room right about now.

Grateful.

Peace, love and light.

P.S.  I will leave our recent exposure to head lice (by a family who knew they had it) for another post...

Post-storm

We are all fine and the car is fine. And, surprisingly, we have power.

The worst of it has been that a ginormous tree branch came down in the driveway. The driveway is impassable and the phone line was brought down. So for now, no landline, no Internet, no cable tv and no car.

Our landlord has more significant issues at his primary home so we are sitting tight.

I am very grateful we didn't lose power. I have been cooking, which is therapeutic.

Honestly, I am a bit of a mess. If you know me, you know how sensitive I am to low pressure systems. Well, Sandy was the mother of them, felt like, and I suffered.

By 6pm last night I was pacing. So restless and wired. I had a headache that was more pressure than pain that did not relent until this morning.

I fell into bed before anyone (we made a shelter camp in the kids' room) out of sheer adrenalized exhaustion. I half slept and half intense-dreamed the whole night as the wind continued to gust.

This morning I held it together long enough to fix the kids something to eat and communicate with the landlord and neighbors and the phone company (30 mins on hold).

Lost it mid-morning to Cap.

Could not stop the shaking inside. Like fury, clawing desperation, spiraling out and out.

Cap and the kids accommodated my meltdown. I felt much better afterward, it brought some pure relief.

They are now at Danielle's for Internet and play. I am catching up with texts, emails and tweets. I need to call my mom. She lives on the collapsed crane block and was evacuated yesterday.

I also just need to breathe. To enjoy the silence.

I am, truly, so grateful. We were very lucky. My heart goes out to those who were less lucky and who face and are facing terrible loss and recovery.

Peace and love.

Breathe

Surprised...and encouraged by my own look of determination.  I was really effed up and seriously challenged by an event that occurred yesterday afternoon.  Grateful...so grateful for my life...partner, kids, friends and family.  (And my peapod earrings which are yummy and tickle me.)

Doctor my eyes

Thank you for your kind, caring and thoughtful words and well wishes.  Thank you for bearing witness...with curiosity, love and a steady gaze.  I am lucky...and honored.

I am feeling, overall, at greater peace with each passing day.

I think it has to do with where I am in my menstrual cycle, I think it also has to do with coming off the Whole30.

I think it is also part and parcel with my process as it unfolds.  Whole30 did not bring about the change I thought it might.  My labs and meeting with my western doctor did not bring about the change I thought it might.

That sucked...it was a rough spot.  But, it actually forced some transformation...it pried open something inside.  The stress bubbled up and out.

I alluded a few posts back to how my easy smile shows almost nothing of what's really going on inside, sometimes.  I have realized in the past few days how easily I can trick myself into thinking I am "letting something go" when I am actually swallowing it, pushing it down into me.

I am fast moving past my disappointment.  Conversations and emails with friends and loved ones have been helping me truly let go of it.  Expressing my frustration, anger, confusion...raising my voice, feeling the emotional rush and letting it run a little rampant...it feels good, it is a release.  I am grateful.

Whole30 food : : 12

I wish I had thought to take a photo of my lunch at Terra today.  But, I was grooving on the slow food vibe and some unexpected time alone while I waited for Donna.  And it never even occurred to me.  I tend to think of this as a good thing...except for the fact that I literally cannot share it with you now.

Instead, I was happy to order just a salad (kind of unthinkable in my pre-Whole30 days) with a protein boost of hard-boiled egg.  I savored a Persian Nectar iced tea.  I perused the fair trade wares and picked up some gifts.  I bought a sweet potato for my next sausage frittata.

I'm not going to lie, my eyes definitely lingered over the selection of prettily wrapped dark chocolates across the café.  But, I didn't feel any physical craving.  None.  It actually made me feel a little lonesome.  (Not analyzing that one!)

My friend arrived as I was tucking into my luscious green salad spiked with dill with sliced egg on top.  We fell into talking immediately.  No thoughts of photographing food whatsoever.

So, today, I have a photo I took yesterday, of a meal I had again tonight for dinner.  Except today I added a big dollop of guacamole to the mix.  This is baked chicken thigh/leg with sautéed komatsuna.  (I love the jellied bits...yum.)

Bouncing bits

Where to start...my mind is all over the place.

PMS/sugar --> sleep disturbance --> pint of Ben & Jerry's in one sitting more sugar = unfortunate cycle.

Haven't we been here before?



This ain't over.

Meanwhile...

• drumsticks were hella on sale at Whole Foods.  I have some marinating overnight in wheat-free tamari, coconut sugar, garlic powder, ginger powder, sake and maple syrup.  will bake and broil tomorrow.

• the Bloggess is coming to our local indie bookshop!  I am thrilled even though it is likely I won't be able to go.  (Cap is coming home that same night.)  I've started reading her memoir and am enjoying it.

• have I mentioned the show House of Lies?  it's on Showtime and I'm catching episodes here and there on demand.  I go back and forth between feeling giddy about it to thinking it's pretty uneven and no great shakes.

• I have all three episodes of the second season of Sherlock in our dvr.  looking forward to watching those.

• Peep Show is hilarious.  I've told Cap we should watch this together.  we shall see if I can wait as long as this might take!

• my cup spilleth over with gratitude: our new kitchen gadgets (which make things go smoother), our health (two incidents today served as intensely sad reminders that mental health should never be taken for granted), and our extended family vacay coming up in August (Williamsburg again!)

• and Skype.  Skype is very good when partner/dad is halfway around the world with wifi.

• two artists I love have new music coming out: Regina Spektor and Sigur Rós.

Peace and love.

These days and nights

...reading Last Night In Twisted River.

...watching Lucy Liu in Southland (love this show and cast...she is a new addition).

...drinking Amy & Brian's Coconut Juice.

...considering the pros and cons of caffeine.

...knitting the Cavendish throw in Noro Matsuri.

...sleeping like a bear in Winter.

...expanding and contracting as if exiting a chrysalis.

...dreaming about travel/retreat.

All of this and more...with so much gratitude and love.

Chaotic kick

I have been shaking things up a bit...living the chaos before a cleanse.  Today I (finally) had a macaron from the French bakery that opened up in town over the Summer.  They are gluten-free, but do contain sugar.  I've given them as gifts twice, but have abstained myself.

I went with pistachio.  It was interesting and very, very tasty.

I want to kick nudge myself off this plateau.  There is some energy here.  Feels a bit chaotic.

Our time with Anna and the kids was fun, loving, warming and wonderful.  Today I got to buy Elsa (our goddaughter) yarn and knitting needles!  Be still my heart.  I am full up with gratitude.

Sugarless sleep

I am grateful.  Just 24 hours of no honey and maple syrup on top of no "regular" sugar resulted in a noticeably better night of sleep.  

When my body hit the bed I felt a distinct relaxing spread throughout me.  In retrospect, I can see how my body received a clear signal to rest simply by getting horizontal in the dark.  (As opposed to "time to think" or "time to daydream" or "time to ruminate" or "time to stare blankly into the dark".)

I fell asleep very quickly.  Quicker than usual.

When I woke up, I wasn't bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.  (Will I ever be again?  We shall see...)  But, I felt rested in a way that I haven't for a long time.  It wasn't a chore to open my eyes.  I felt lighter inside. And, again, I could feel a distinct physical connection and relationship between my body and the bed.

There is something about sugar which cuts my mind-body connection.  Literally.

(Incidentally, I went with the photo above because my skin also feels different this morning.  It is super soft and supple.  So interesting!  I don't know that I look "brighter", but rubbing my fingers on my face feels nice.)

Tucked in

Watching Wanda Sykes (vintage 2003) with Cap and Jay.  Feeling happy.  Just like old times.  I think this photo is funny.  My head is enormous, Cap's is small and Jay's is tiny!  I am pretty tired and am heading to bed.  Our drive here last night was brutal due to rain and wind, in the dark, for five hours.

I am feeling tucked in, spending time back in the mother state with family and friends.

Peace and love.

Christmas eve

Tiina and her family came over to celebrate the holiday.  The dinner table was a lovely melange of cultural traditions and flavors: braised beef short ribs (with wheat-free tamari and coconut crystals), kale salad with date and anchovy dressing, latkes, sushi rice, jello, lanttulaatikko (rutabaga casserole), porkanalaatikko (carrot casserole), rossoli (winter salad), joulutortut (Christmas star cookies) and pakastepuolukat karamellikastikkeella (frozen cranberries with caramel sauce).

Santa tracker on the computer screen.

It was wonderful fun having them over.  Amazing to think of the friendship born of a fateful meeting on a playground, by chance, five years ago.  Both our families have Finnish and Japanese blood woven into them, another coincidence.

I'm pooped.  Did not sleep well last night.  I think the combination of sleep deprivation and a bit of sugar intake at dinner (the coconut crystals, the pickles and pickled beets in the rossoli and the caramel sauce Tiina made special for me with agave and maple syrup) dealt my system a hit.  After our friends left I crumpled into a chair feeling simultaneously caffeinated and leaden.

In our little family, we continue a Christmas Eve tradition Cap grew up with.  Everyone chooses one small present from under the tree and opens it.  I opened a handknit mini-sweater ornament.  Cap opened a frame photo of him with the kids at Fenway Park.  Gem opened a set of watercolor pencils and a pack of watercolor paper ATCs (artist trading cards).  Sag opened this...

headlamp!

Our gifts remind us that we are loved, life is fun and we have much to be thankful for.

Winter solstice

I had a thought...and followed through.  Again, with this thing which is un-ADDishness.  

My thought was this: I would like to go on our Solstice hike on the day of the Solstice.  Since our friends with whom we started this tradition switched from homeschooling to schooling, it has been challenging to line up schedules to hike on the actual days of solstices and equinoxes.

We have even skipped hikes because the timing didn't mesh.

This Winter Solstice, I wanted to return to the source.  To be in nature, a familiar vantage point from which to note, observe and live rhythm.  I hoped our friends would join us (this would require pulling one of their kids out of school early), but was prepared to go through with the hike ourselves if they couldn't.

Everything aligned and we walked around the pond together.  The setting sun was somewhat muted due to the clouds.  Yet the silvery sable landscape caught patches of burnished orange and rust as the sun set through the stark winter branches.  While we stopped to snack, on tangelos from Florida and marzipan potatoes from Germany, the clouds cleared enough to give the treetops that warm glowing Inness light.

Our walk was a string of stunning, perfect moments.  How lucky we are, how grateful I am, to experience such wonder.  Simply by being who we are and being where we are.

Wishing you much love and light on this darkest day of the year.