Throwback thuesday

Still holding on hard to this extraordinary egg 20+ years later.  News of best possible outcomes continue to trickle in.  Gratitude, joy and relief overfloweth.

Peace and love.

Small moments

Taking in the nourishment of small moments:

• the spontaneous and emotional hugs and kisses from my children.

• discovering at check-out that every single item I bought was on sale ($12 and change for three skeins of chunky yarn and a big roll of wrapping paper...holiday shopping that jingles my bells).

• local florists who deliver meadow flowers in Ball mason jars.  (my friend is heading home today *big smile*.)

• cold salami sandwiches with mayo and mustard on Udi's bread.

• Les Revenants/The Returned.

• realizing that my immune system is one tough and fiery broad.

• Earl Grey tea with honey and milk.

• munchkins and moon rocks (with my little man, Leo).

• the joy of The Killers and a great cover.

Peace and love.

Taking a breath

Sad at the moment.  A good friend is having surgery tomorrow.  I was surfing the web looking at flowers and plants, pondering whether to send to hospital or home, when it hit me: she could die on the table.

To clarify, this is highly, incredibly highly, unlikely.  The surgery itself carries no more risk than what I imagine is average.  But, these momentous events, yeah, I'm looking at you, cancer, have a way of reminding us just how tenuous our lives are.

Yet, we move on and forward.  And keep living.  Just as she will, I know, well beyond tomorrow.

Peace and love.

Catching up

What I am now thinking of as a virus lingers. Hopefully it will move on in a few days. I surrender.

I have been reading a lot: Life As We Knew It, Calling Dr. Laura and The Fault In Our Stars. (All very good and recommended.)

Cap and I watched an incredible documentary called A Band Called Death. Highly recommended.

I am sleeping...dreaming intensely and waking early (ready to go to bed by 9-10pm but that is difficult because I'm sleeping in the kids' room and they are still awake).

I am craving and eating lots of starchy carbs and eggs.

Having a bordering-on-bossy mug of Earl Grey to ease me into the day. Off to pull on some clothes and visit the farmer's market. (Yay for my market companion, Kelly, providing door-to-door service!)

Peace and love.

P.S.  Big news: Peru is a GO!!!

Themes

rhythm.

Every November, for a number of Novembers now, I feel a spark and a twinge when I am reminded of NaNoWriMo.  I think, how cool would that be, to write a novel?  Or a solid first draft of one?  And then I quickly dismiss the idea because how dare I disrespect the art form by even dreaming I could do something like that?  I am hardly a writer.

Today, a blogger I follow posted saying she will post daily for the month of November (unrelated to NaNoWriMo).  And I whispered-thought, hey, that, I can do.

Going to the farmer's market with Kelly on Saturday mornings has become a lovely routine.  The company of a good friend, being a step closer to the rhythm of the season, the genial contact with local farmers, fish mongers and culinary artisans...it all fills me with anticipation and gratitude.

This morning I picked up cider from a local orchard (where we get our weekly fruit share from) and eggs and ground sirloin from Anthony.

moments.

The berries were red and because of the cloudy light, had a wonderful matte quality to them.  I couldn't angle my shot properly to catch the color, but liked the silhouette well enough to appreciate the image for itself.

flow.

Something clicked for Gem this afternoon and he worked on some comics with an unusual fervor.  We talked about how cool it is to feel and be one with that flow.

arts.

I read Marbles today.  It was an incisive and funny memoir chronicling a journey from diagnosis to successful treatment (after four+ years!) of bipolar disorder.  It had a lot of heart and I am glad I read it.  It was featured in this piece highlighting graphic novels by women that Sherman Alexie turned me onto via his blog.

I have been enjoying American Horror Story: Coven in its many aspects, and, as a whole.  I am a sucker for wonderfully utilized music and have been riveted by their application of Fleetwood Mac, and Stevie Nicks, in particular, for Misty's storyline.

Peace and love.

Day of the dead

I do not celebrate Day of the Dead.  But, I woke up feeling half dead.  Actually, I went to bed last night feeling half dead already.  I decided not to set my alarm, to let myself sleep in.  And I did.

And what the frak, weather?  We have a low pressure system hovering and Gem and I have been feeling the doom and gloom of it.  The windows are open for the high of 70º.  On November 1.

They say holidays can trigger anxiety/depression because of unresolved emotional issues which have gone psychologically awry.  I guess maybe Halloween is one such trigger, for me.  I certainly have had mixed emotions about it as an adult and parent.

We have missed two Halloweens in a row due to severe storms...then this year, the kids' longtime trick-or-treating partner decided he was no longer interested in going.  The kids decided not to go trick-or-treating, but late yesterday afternoon we received a query about going, from another good friend, and they changed their minds.  Sag dressed as a hobbit (what Gem went as last year very belatedly once the town deemed it safe post-Sandy) and Gem dressed as a birdwatcher.

They had a good time, overall, but received a couple of negative comments about being "too old" and, I kid you not, "pathetic".  (Apparently the person who called them pathetic was "joking" and Gem did not take it personally...but, Sag, who has a very tender heart and, at 11, is still very much a kid, found these attitudes/words hurtful and confusing.)  No one refused them candy, though, and once they returned home, they ate sweets and snuggled in bed with America's Funniest Home Videos, and had a grand time.

I, was pissed.  And though I try to keep my Facebook complaint-free, I brought my feelings to my tribe over there and the ensuing conversation, which drew friends from many areas of my life, helped me see the bigger picture and showered me with warm words of support.

Parenting kids through seasonal events, like most things, is a mixed bag.  There are the many positives which come from sharing and co-creating a history over years...but nothing stays the same and change can bring with it new and unexpected challenges.

When I was their age, trick-or-treating became less fun because of the neighborhood hooligans who ran about chucking eggs at innocent bystanders and rumors of Nair flinging.  I had quite a primal reaction to the kids' first brush with (Halloween related) "loss of innocence" when my own memories and stored emotions came flooding back (were these unresolved feelings?  I don't know.)

Sleep, weather fronts moving on, and big mugs of Irish Breakfast tea with honey and cream all help.  And I am feeling much better now.

My most pressing concern of the moment is tackling our money situation.  I am feeling quite compelled to "zero sum" the next week.  We have less than what we typically spend for a week's groceries left in the account.  Can we get to next Friday without dipping into savings?

Stay tuned.

Peace and love.

Craft and bake sale

Incredibly aromatic (soothing and energizing) bath salts.

Incredibly delicious Paleo carrot soup.  I was hesitant because I am not a fan of carrots, but this soup was out-of-this-world good.

Incredibly beautiful paper-crafting artform which dates back to the Renaissance.

Incredibly cool blow torched lemon brûlée cookies.

Incredibly beloved semi-annual event which was born from the mind and heart of a dear friend (performing original songs here) when she was seven.

It was another wonderful day nestled amongst loving old trees, hanging out with friends, connecting with our community.

Peace.

P.S.  The wares featured above were all conceived and executed in large and larger parts by our amazing kids.

Absence results in avalanche

I promised myself to post today to not let it go longer than a week since my last post.  And I do hope it won't be as long till my next one.

I was going to pick one photo to save time (which I only wanted to do in order to facilitate the actual happening of writing a post), but looking at my photo stream made me warm and fuzzy and I could not pick just one.

I am delighted by an unexpected turn of events.  This Fall has been defined by a surge in cooking and baking as I have mused about it here in this space.  The development in the last week or so is that I have made some food which has made me go "hmm".  And I find myself very curious and wanting to learn more about the science behind the alchemy of cooking.

I have requested Ratio and Gluten-Free Girl Every Day from the library.  Both authors are proponents of using ratios to develop recipes and deepen one's understanding of how recipes work.  I cannot imagine I will ever be creating my own recipes...but am kind of thrilled to be exploring cooking and baking in a new way.  Maybe I do like it, after all.

And now, the pics...

local intersection.  I had just stepped out of Anthropologie, a store I go into maybe once a year.  I like it every time, but then forget about it until someone or something reminds me and I go in again.

sweet rice flour!  we've started using it, but I have not batched "my" all-purpose flour mix yet.  (I need a snazzy name for it.)

Chinese lump candy (aka rock candy).  the kids, particularly Gem, have been loving it.  some less processed sweet for the stomach system.

pumpkin chocolate chunk bars.  the first of three items I baked in the last week that came out vastly differently than I thought it would.  it tasted good, but the texture was very wet.  it was like a pumpkin pie without the crust.  the recipe poster's photo shows a much cake-ier looking bar so I was disappointed...and wondered what went awry.

we returned upstate for pumpkins.  the kids enjoyed our trip to Gill's Farm last year so we made a day of it with auntie and uncle.

boys on rock in woods.

beautiful birches.

more often than not, lately, all I want for breakfast is a piece of toast with Kerrygold and a big ass mug of black tea (English or Irish Breakfast) with honey.  must be the bits of stardust in me that hail from the British Isles rallying for some recognition.

pumpkin bacon scallion biscuits.  the greatest of expectations dashed upon a cruel and rocky shore.  these were a shocking bust.  and I am fairly certain it was me...and that I can tweak my performance to turn out a better product.  these were soft on the inside, bordering on mushy.  the outside was crusty...but I was seeking a flakey experience throughout.

I made something a couple of weeks ago, it was the oatmeal raisin cookies, and I questioned the use/quality of nutmeg (an ingredient I normally dig, especially in savory dishes).  well, I finally checked the date on the jar and, oops, it was way past expiration.  at the market, they were out of "regular" nutmeg so I decided to get a jar of whole ones.  I enjoyed the "return to a simpler time" aspect of grating the nutmeg...and, not surprisingly, the wonderful aromatherapy.

apple cider donut hole.  making these was a mixed bag.  I guess you could say the hype (in my head and heart) could not quite be lived up to.  the logistical pain of frying donuts for the first time will never be as challenging as it was yesterday and so I can envision myself making these again and having the total experience be a happier one.  the donut "holes" themselves were really good.  I mean, a warm and crispy fried dough ball?  what's not to like?  these were light and pleasing.  they were not cooked well through, though.  next time they need to be smaller.  and I need a working candy thermometer for next time.  I really had no idea what temperature the oil was.  and speaking of oil...Cap is our resident fryer and being a kinesthetic learner, I had to experience frying to understand the ins and outs of how/how much dang oil is used to deep fry.  it's a frakking lot.  and...honestly, it felt like a waste.  so, next time, I guess I'll make more donuts.  but it would have to be for a crowd because, really, they are best still warm from frying.  see?  my complicated mixed feelings.  also disappointing: Cap didn't want one (he wasn't feeling well) and the boys did not like them.  I am usually not invested in the rest of the family loving, or even liking, what I make, but this one made my heart twinge a bit.

pumpkin tea cake with cream cheese frosting.  sometimes, I will change what I call something to reflect a shift in ingredients.  for example, the pumpkin bacon scallion biscuits were called pumpkin bacon chive biscuits in the original recipe.  but, this one, I could not call these pumpkin bars, not with this frosting, which elevated/transformed the final product to more of a cake.  I am now using coconut crystals or honey or maple syrup as substitutes for cane sugar when I bake.  but, for this frosting, I decided to use the powdered sugar called for because the thought of a brown cream cheese frosting made me sad.  this came out wonderfully.  the cake was dense and it had a rustic, hearty quality that paired nicely with the sweet, sticky frosting (which was way too sweet for me...and raised the burning question: how much can you decrease the sugar in a frosting without negatively impacting the texture of it?)  I froze half the cake and plan on serving it at a brunch this weekend.  I am going to make a non-dairy frosting for it using vegan cream cheese and will use less sugar.  I may make a tiny test batch using coconut crystals to see how unsightly the resulting brown is.

celery root, sweet potato and red onion.  I adapted this Martha Stewart recipe to use up the celery root from last week's CSA share.  I thought the apple, even a tart one, would make it sweeter than I wanted...but the celery root had more of a kick to it than I expected and next time, I will put the apple in.  this was pure CSA goodness.  we are very much entering root vegetable season here and I will be making variations of this kind of peel, cube, par boil and skillet fry for weeks and weeks to come.  Martha Stewart's website is becoming a reliable source of recipes for me.  (another thing that makes me go hmm.)

we are in the midst of a delicious and bountiful apple season.  the simple pleasures of gazing upon Mother Earth's color spectrum, inhaling the delicate and unadorned scents and biting into juicy, crunchy, sweet, flavorful apples has been incredibly happy-making.

I have also been amassing tabs in my Google Chrome...of things I wanted to share here...

• homemade mosquito spray.

• coconut white chocolate recipe.  I have ordered the cocoa butter and am stoked to make this!

• apple honey "lemonade" recipe.  "aid digestion and boost immunity"?  yes, please.

• daily rituals of creative minds.  this reinforced things I already strive for and think highly of.

• 8 fascinating facts about anxiety.  5,6 and 8 were the ones that surprised me (both because I recognized myself in them and I never made a connection to these experiences and anxiety).

• re-Sendakify Sendak.  thanks to Lana for this one.  a must for fans of kid lit.

• a lovely poem.

• making lemonade out of lemons.  if by lemonade we mean gorgeous and haunting black and white photos...and by lemons we mean a frightening and destabilizing medical experience.  this one is from Lana's photo blog.

• 15 Peruvian foods you have to try.  I don't want to jinx anything by saying we're going to Peru in a few months, but that is the plan.  one of the things making me anxious about this trip is wondering what Gem is going to eat/how to feed him.  I was pleased to see that apart from the desserts on this list, most seemed gluten- and dairy-free.

• another lovely poem.

• GO: A Kid's Guide To Graphic Design.  looks like a cool book.  Kidd's first novel, The Cheese Monkeys, blew me away.  this one is not a novel, it's about graphic design and aimed for humans 10 and up.

• gorgeous and stunning nature photography.

• headspace.  a meditation app I am thinking about trying.

• pumpkin muffins on my to do list.

• pumpkin truffles on my to do list.

• raw almond butter cups on my to do list.

• my latest percolating obsession: stuffing.  of the 25 on this list, I'm going to try the Kitchn one first.  (gluten-free, of course.)

• I am wanting meat less these days and was delighted to see this come across my virtual desk this morning: 37 vegetarian dishes for Thanksgiving.

Phew.  Okay, that was a lot.

Peace, my loves. 

Weekend

There was time with grandparents.  There was a Baba dinner: steaks (beef and salmon), potatoes, broccoli and rice.  There was a football game.  There was a massage.

There was time in the pool.  There was a serious workout due to being the only kid present.  There was backstroke, breast stroke, butterfly, freestyle, diving and practicing flip turns.

There was Comic Con.  There was catching up with a favorite artist (who was impressed with the depth of Sag's knowledge of his oeuvre).  There was a trip to Kinokuniya.  There was a late lunch of Carnegie Deli.

There was homework.  There was too much homework and not enough time.  There was pouting.

There was a birthday breakfast out.  There was catching up, good coffee and Sunrise Quesadilla.

There was a drawing throwdown.  There was a really nice camaraderie and respect fest between birthday buddies (born 36 years apart).

There was time with a dear friend.  There was catching up and the jolt of realization that this friendship was born in 1989.  (There was a smile for a photograph!!!)

There was a long awaited, hotly anticipated release of two Pokemon video games.  There was leaving the house at 8:40 to get to the early opening at Gamestop.  There was hours of playing.  There was much joy.

There was coffee on Donna's front steps.  There was sweet, sweet Daisy.  There was drenching sun and long conversation.

There was more...it was a weekend full to the brim.  

(Cap lost his keys Saturday and, thankfully, I found them on Monday.  Turns out replacing Prius keys costs an arm and a leg.)

(I got to tour Tiina's in-the-midst-of-renovation house.)

(I drove Gem and myself into Manhattan.  It went well, but I hate driving on highways and the anticipatory anxiety was an ass.)

(The Red Sox lost a nail biter Friday night and won a nail biter Saturday night.)

(I have not been able to settle into the first of my three library books.)

(I have a ton of tv piling up in the DVR.)

Peace and love.

Common meal

We hosted a quiet, lovely common meal tonight that turned out to be us and Silke, Roger and Lukas.  I made the turkey meatballs yesterday because meatballs taste even better the day after and they were scrumptious.  I defrosted and reheated the butternut squash soup I'd made for the last time (we had to cancel), tweaked it with some grade B maple syrup and it was hearty and comforting.  Cap made corn bread and used coconut sugar so I could eat it.  For dessert, I served the granola and latest batch of oatmeal cookies.  Both were hits.

I took Gem to the doctor this morning to get tested for strep (it was negative).  He's feeling a little poopy, Cap is fighting a cold, and I may or may not be.

Sag was raring to go to gymnastics so that's where we were this afternoon.  He loves it, which provides a primal and passionate motivation.  But, it is not easy for him and his efforts and perseverance take my breath away every time.  Here he is on his nemesis, the rope.  I was never able to move up a rope as a child (or a teen...or an adult).  He hasn't yet, but I think he will, in due time.

Peace and love.

Time of the body

When I turned 40 I was stoked.  Buoyed by a strong sense of "new beginning" (of the second half of my life), I vibrated promise.  And I wanted to ride that tantalizing burst of bliss to lots more.

(My thirties ran me ragged.  A surge of life "events" strung together closely resulted in inadequate capacity for stress management.  Infertility~baby~baby has multiple food allergies~another baby~second baby contracts pneumonia at one month~leaving a job/work I loved~moving into father-in-law's in the boondocks~moving to Sacramento...it was during our second year in Sacramento that I turned 40.)

In searching for my bliss, I focused on myself.  One of my guiding principles was that being happier would make everyone else in my family happier.  Within a year of turning 40 we moved to New Jersey and, here, I set about looking for someone to work with, someone who would expand my capacity for understanding what makes me tick so I could travel the road of least resistance towards personal joy.

I had met Kelly at a homeschooling event at the library and we became fast friends.  She introduced me to Master Lu and Vinny.  The rest, in a way, has been history.  As most of you know, Vinny has mad skills and has helped me, a lot, over the years.  I am definitely happier now than I was when I turned 40.

And yet...as I begin staring down 50, I am realizing that a new phase is upon me.  It is the time of the body.  I have had a fairly complicated relationship with my body since childhood.  I have carried body baggage into adulthood and never fully dealt with it.  Hence, the Oprah-like pendulum-ing of my weight (according to my backseat psychiatrist couch-think).

I have been having a hard time with fatigue for nearly two years.  During this time I've dabbled in self-education around hormonal issues (thyroid and perimenopause) and Paleo eating (which did seem to help a lot with my ADDishness).  Throughout, I saw Vinny.  He worked on me and I took the herbs he prescribed.

But, little has changed with the fatigue.  (My sleep issues, which peaked during this time, responded positively and dramatically to reducing caffeine and sugar.)

I signed up for the Y, I signed up for dance classes, I created schedules in an effort to get out/move my body, I considered yoga.  Nada.  I've been too tired or overwhelmed to actually do any of it.

In the last three months it has creepingly become undeniable: not only am I tired every morning when I wake up (recently I've been getting solid sleep and I know I am not emotionally depressed), but I am often ache-y and I am way too heavy.

Dragon's Way started last night and we practiced movements 1-4.  In a stunning moment of "oh !@#%", my new reality smacked me.  Hard.  These movements, which have never been hard for me, kicked my ass.

Describing the Qigong movements is a whole other post.  Suffice to say, for now, that though you have to be fairly exact in your execution for maximum benefit, the movements themselves are simple, gentle and slow.  Now, imagine me, doing these simple, gentle, slow movements and parts of my body starting to feel like lead within a minute of starting...not so much painful (though it is sometimes) but resistance to the simple, gentle and slow movements manifesting itself in a way that feels huge and immovable.  Now add guttural moans.  And sweat dripping off of me.  It was not pretty.

It was clarifying.  I've hit my tipping point.  Watershed moment.  47 is a prime number and I thought this year would be special.  I've been jiggling the key, working it, and I've been a little frustrated at the stickiness of the lock (blocked energy, prolonged fatigue, the metaphor fits).  Last night, the lock finally started to give a little.  A resounding "click" may be in my future.

The Qigong last night was powerful (practicing in a group generates some really lovely energy) and healing.  I was not ache-y this morning.  I practiced today.  I have eaten much less.  I have been more directed in my activity.  I have had more compassion for the kids.

I feel much more grounded.

In the past, I have focused on the food part of Dragon's Way, but this time, the food will be tertiary after the movements and the herbs.  After last night I know, in my bones, that practicing the movements can lead the way.  It will make the rest easier.

In other news, I have been spending a lot of time cooking.  And in between, I have been eating less, and well.

braised pork from A Spoonful of Ginger.

toasted macadamia nuts.

banana muffins.

bread crumbs.

apple sauce.

carrots.

shakshouka.

oatmeal raisin cookies.

Off to make some turkey meatballs for common meal tomorrow and then put together taco fixings for tonight.

Peace and love.