Morning meal

Mark Sisson's Salmon Patty Cakes with two pastured eggs perfectly over medium-easy.  Starting the kids and me back on daily morning cups of Chinese herbal tea with a dollop of honey.

The weather is for shit the birds.  So so so so humid.  And dreary.  And grey.

Cap starts back on campus today.

I am full on bleeding.  Wishing for a red tent...creating my own in the ways that I can.

Off to give my honey his back-to-school haircut!

Peace and love.

Letting go-ing

Hmm.  Again, I look better than I feel.  Lighter and brighter.  I'll take it.  (I'll also take my reemerging jawline :-)

Yesterday was controlled go-go-go.  I guess a bit too much go-go-go, nonetheless.  I am worn out today.  For now I am opting to forego the go-ings I thought I'd do today: cleaning, shopping, decluttering, reorganizing...choosing letting go-ing.

Staying still in the growing heat and humidity of the day under the ceiling fan.  Enveloped in my Oakland shirt.

Sunrise

It has been so long since I woke early enough to see the sunrise hitting Winter branches.  My breath caught in my throat.

Fleeting tumble of mixed emotions: the inevitable waking with wonder about seepage when the blood loss is at its heaviest, feeling rested despite the rude awakening, the satisfaction that comes with a hoped for shift (family-bedding with the kids for the whole night+decreasing tv time for myself+going to bed earlier=better sleep), noticing how early the sky began lightening through the slats of the blinds, staring at the child asleep next to me, murmuring him back to sleep when his eyes fluttered open to ask me a question, calculating just how early in the morning it was when I left the house to go to school when I started Hunter at age 12, relaxing in the warm comfort of the bed to see if I might fall back asleep, stealthily getting out of bed pulling on fleece socks and vest, entering the quiet of the front room feeling I have a happily long whole day ahead of me, glancing up from Lula momentarily stunned by the gorgeous light hitting the barren beauty of the branches.

Peace.  And love.

Morning table (still life)

I set the kids' teas on the table.  A smile spread across my face as I noticed Sag's new mini-clipboard.  He had drawn a picture to illustrate just how cute he thought this clipboard was and clipped it on.

The kids went to the craft store with Daniel and Donna.  It was a rare opportunity for them.  They had $20 for duct tape and Rita's.  But, of course, they saw other things that tickled them.  When he walked in the door last night, he was aglow over his extra purchase.

I'm no tyrant when it comes to shopping.  But, it may not have happened had he been out with me.  His joy was contagious.

There is a shadow of a lamp stand in this photo.  Bittersweet.  I don't know how my parents came to have this lamp, but I remember it from my childhood.  And now, it lights our front room.  Merrily.  But, it tips.  It's built to stand on unwarped wooden floors.  (The opposite of what we have now.)  So, I have been on a mission to replace it.

Seeing it in this shot, though, I realize I want to keep it.  We won't be in this apartment forever.  Pursue a better lamp, for now, find a place for this one in our future space, later.  Sweet.

Today, a day of planning, shopping, cleaning, preparing...tomorrow we host Sag's early 10th birthday party.  15 kids, a sunny forecast, a whole lot of love and activity.

V

...is for vampire.  I look a fright.  The menses vampire hard at work draining me.

...is for very.  Sag woke me up around 5:30 trying to figure out why his lip hurt.  We fell back asleep and Gem never woke up.  Woke up again around 8:30 and Gem and I said, nearly simultaneously, "I just had the weirdest dream!"  Mine was very weird.  It involved giving birth to an otherworldly girl creature.  She was bluish and after coming out, stood (looking about four years old) and proceeded to pull an extra third ear which looked like a Spock/elf ear (her other two looked human) right off her head.  I then nursed her, nervously.  And a while later delivered the placenta myself...very weirdly and graphically.  The placenta looked so weird...kind of like the lungs in a box from House last night!

...is for verge.  Cap should be on his way home.  He could have taken one of two flights and both have already landed at JFK.  The first thing Sag said when he woke was, "Isä, Isä, Isä, Isä..."  We are all so looking forward to welcoming him home.

Morning light

Early to bed, early to rise, 20 minutes of Qigong to ease into the day.  Sweep the kitchen floor, touch base with mom who is coming over later, enjoy the last of the Paleo bread with pastured butter.  Kiss partner rushing out the door off to a day's work, feed children, flip through recipes with an eye for meats to look out for.  Snag a good space for the car, ramble amongst the colors and smells of early Fall farmer's market, be the sun around which two planets dart and bounce and dance.  Stop by to see Max, decide to give it a try after all, stride into a new chapter.

Light and love to you.

Continuing

Eyes opened around 3am for the second time in three days.  I tried a variety of relaxation techniques and stayed in bed/in the dark till about 5am.  By then I was wide awake and the sky was lightening.

Right before I got out of bed, I made a mental list of...what to call it...symptoms?...issues?...states of being?...that I have been dealing with during this post-Barcelona time.  (Some of these things have been present since before Barcelona and even during...but they have all been significantly impacting me ever since.)

• social anxiety

• insomnia

• GI irregularity/discomfort

• brain fog/attention deficit

• my version of PMS (physiological menstrual stress/symptoms)

• anxiety

• irritability

That's quite the list.  It woke me up a bit, metaphorically, though perhaps actually, too :-)

It remains notable to me that depression and self-loathing, which dominated my lows (when I had them) during my 20s and 30s, are gone in my 40s.  (I do feel occasionally blue, don't get me wrong, but nothing like I used to.)  My work with Vinny has a lot to do with that.

I didn't walk yesterday morning, but I did practice Qigong for 20 minutes.  I could feel benefits from that for the rest of the day.  Powerful stuff.

Turning my mind's eye again to going a bit deeper into my personal study of ADD and getting off gluten (thanks, Tamar)...while continuing to practice Qigong.

Bleary-eyed

Pinging and ponging between WTF and it is what it is.

Insomnia again last night.  Triggered by Sag and Finn scaring the heck out of each other around 1:30am in the dark.

Scorcher today.  I'll be the one sucking in air conditioning while cooking and cleaning for common meal.  With one mid-day walk for a tired pooch.  He survived his first night away from mommy and daddy and boy is he pooped.

(This is not his usual spot, he prefers to be more in the room amidst the humans, or, on his bed.  But, someone upstairs had just come in or out which riles him up and brings him to the door.)

Watched Splice last night, which was just about what I expected in terms of level of entertainment (think B movie with cerebral type eye candy...heavier on camp than creep of which it had both).

Peace and love.

Early waking

I think to myself that I want to be waking earlier.  It happened this morning.  I thought it was 8:30 and panicked a little bit because I'm meeting Donna for breakfast.  A quick glance to Cap's alarm clock and I was relieved, but also surprised: 6:30.

Realized as I came more awake, that the head of cauliflower I roasted yesterday and then proceeded to eat over the course of a few hours has led to my GI system being...not restful.  Poor guts.

The good of waking early is getting things done.  I am a morning person that way.  I made the ensaladilla rusa for common meal tomorrow night.  Yum.

Off to breakfast.

Endless

I wish I could bottle this crisp sunny breezy morning.  Riles me up with joy.

My heart goes out to the souls departed and the ones who are surviving the tornadoes and storms in the South.

Soothed by this piece:



The rhythm of qigong grounds me as the creaks quiet and the energy flows.

I dreamt last night that a vampire came close and I discovered I was one of them deep down inside...

Marveling minutiae

Yesterday late afternoon, I free fell into Free Cell.  I usually play at least once a day on the iPhone.  It's not an addiction, per se, but it certainly does something to me neurochemically.  Hmm.  Maybe it is an addiction.

Anyway, I played on and off for a few hours, the latter part of the evening while watching the Red Sox game.  My "limited screen" awareness didn't kick in until it was way too late.  Not till I came out of my playing fog.

It was a strange evening.  I didn't eat dinner until quite late and even then I wasn't very hungry.  I did have the mind-body connection enough to eat something at hand (though I felt that tug of take out...this is the "activation" issue my brain has...an ADD strand).  I also managed enough clarity to keep this late meal small.

I stayed up late to watch Glee after the game was over.  I was really tired, but something kept me upright.  I was leaden by the time I dragged myself to wash up before hitting the hay.  **TMI alert**  I was surprised by a huge poop followed by a gut-cleaning release.  (I've been taking a TCM herb concoction called Master Cleanse for over a week now which definitely seems to be doing something along those lines...)

I laid awake for a bit wondering if I had insomnia.  By this point it was past 1am.

Then, I fell asleep.  And slept well.  I woke once and was surprised that neither of the kids had migrated to the bed.

**TMI alert**  This morning I was surprised to see light, bright pink on the toilet paper after my morning pee.  A period beginning with no usual PMS.  No cramping.  No raging emotion.  I did finish my burnt caramel-Hawaiian sea salt bar yesterday, one delicious section after the other.

A period in more flow.  Brownish blood is indicative of stagnation (the older the blood is, the darker and browner it will be).  Pink blood always makes me happy.

Maybe it's the emotional digestion I've accomplished this month.

Maybe it's the Master Cleanse herbs.

Maybe it's the few days in a row of qigong practice.

Maybe it's the occasional flaxseed/evening primrose oil I've been taking.

Feeling groovy.  I hope you find your groove today, too.

P.S.  Reading this piece over, I noticed I used the word "late" repeatedly.  A construct of time, as well as, of judgment/expectation/predetermination.  Another point of minutiae it could be argued.  But, a detail that is not lost on me.

P.P.S.  Periods, perimenopause and menopause don't have to be rough.

P.P.P.S.  Attending quietly and restfully to my body today.  Skipping qigong this morning, seeing Vinny this afternoon, considering practicing #10 tonight.

Fortifying

My hummingbird-like anxiety excitement had me out of bed at 6:45.  That's hella early for me these days.

Buoyed by sweet Facebook birthday wishes I have been in the kitchen prepping ingredients and boiling eggs (no occasion is complete without deviled eggs, I say).

I was hungry, so I fortified myself.

I'll be in the kitchen if you need me.  Till I see Vinny for my birthday treatment.  Then I'll be back there again.

A glimpse

In the freezer right now.  A pretty perfect snowball.  I love seeing it there.  It's a mood lifter.

Heading off to clean and clean some more.  I've been putting it off and off and off.  Somehow it never gets done that way.  My motivation today is the lovely dinner party I will be hosting tomorrow evening.  My friends know my flaws and love me despite of them.  But, it will feel good to commune and celebrate in a clean and clear space.  (That one's for you, Wen :-)  So, I will persevere!

And so it goes

The snow has changed over from driving sheets to big fluffy falling flakes.

Karen called to say both her kids are sick.  Poor Will.  It's his birthday today.  And we were supposed to see them tomorrow.

Then Gem threw up.

It's been quite the morning.

Grounded

Last night we learned there is a blizzard coming our way.  We decided to heed the warnings of the National Weather Service and postpone our trip to MA.

Cap's at the market picking up some provisions.  We had been winding down on perishables in preparation for not being here for a few days and now find ourselves needing to stock up in case we get snowed in...and also so we'll be able to leave at the crack of day on Tuesday...road food and GFCF food ready to go.

The kids are watching a movie Santa left for Sag.  Their cold symptoms are definitely on the downswing.  They are enjoying Christmas-time.

I enjoyed Easy A with Cap last night and we were in bed before midnight after a long day.  My cough has inched itself into my chest after weeks of hanging north.  Today I will be cooking (Silk Nog ice cream, turkey chili, carrot tofu scramble, veggie soup) and hitting the financial paperwork.  I'd also like to organize my herbs and start taking them again.

It's so strange to me...I've been taking my Chinese herbs for years in slightly varying configurations without a hitch.  But, since resuming my treatments with Vinny about a month ago, after a three month hiatus, I have not been able to get into a groove with the herbs (or the Qigong, but that's happened before and is less mysterious).

I'll see Vinny again in about 10 days.  In the meantime, despite a road trip to Massachusetts, I'd like to get back to a routine of taking the herbs and practicing Qigong.  My goal is to be traveling to Japan and California with more energy and strength.  (That trip is coming up in early February.)

Now that Solstice and Christmas are in the rear view, and my 45th birthday is approaching, I feel a surge of energy and inspiration towards self-renewal.  The trick is to balance this energy with the earthly activity that simply needs to get done.

Peace and love.

Perched

self-portrait.  12.23.10.

Showered and about to dive off into the rest of the day.  Doc appointment (hopefully) for Sag.  The last of the Xmas shopping/making.  Vacuuming.  Xmas meal planning.  Food shopping.

There's plenty of concrete tasks.  But, the ephemeral, it sticks in my craw.

P.S. Cap is back.  My grounding force, my Earth guy.

Stream of consciousness update

• not doing holiday cards this year.  it came to me about a month ago maybe.  it is, simply, something I no longer want to do.  if you know someone who might care, please pass the news along.

• my long coat saga came to an abrupt end this morning.  I'd decided I wanted one of those coats that basically looks like you're wearing a sleeping bag.  in my middle aging I've discovered that I do not like being cold.  I guess my blood is thinning or something because I feel colder more easily than ever before.  there has been a chain of events involving my mom and Xmas and bday gifting and my own debating over colors and style vs. comfort.  and a bit of comparison shopping which led to a long night last night of online shopping the one-day sale at Macy's.  (something I have never done, online or at a brick and mortar store...but I must say it worked out well...saved 50% on many random items we have needed for awhile (and just a couple I've wanted as opposed to needed).  plus my favorite, free shipping.  it was slow going checking all the prices against Amazon to make sure I was really getting a bargain.  anyway, when I went to L.L. Bean to finally take the plunge this morning, the coat was no longer available in my size and the color I wanted.  it was there last night when I decided not to order it till I confirmed for sure with my mom that I could order it before Xmas.  so it goes.

• spent hours yesterday at the computer processing photos for two projects.  one was my mom's birthday gift.  her bday was in July.  it felt good to check that off the list.

• low level colds pervade our household.  it's been that kind of Fall.

• saw The Girl Who Played With Fire this week and thoroughly enjoyed it.  Lisbeth is really quite a character.  the movies are well done...despite having to carve away so much detail of the story structure and content of the novels, the spirit of the story and characters, the author's vision, really shines on.  I will not manage to see the third movie in the theater as I had hoped.  there is one local showing left tonight...if Cap were going to be home I'd venture out, but he teaches tonight.

• speaking of Cap...I am anticipating reporting some very good news here tomorrow.

Light

We seek it in different ways.

Last night as I snuggled with my 9yo I don't know why but I asked him if he felt bad a lot of the time.  He said yes without hesitating.  I wasn't surprised.  And of course I felt sad.  I prodded a bit and we came to understand that it's not a lot of the time but sometimes.  And my nerves dialed down.

I thought, though, wondered...if he will be vulnerable in adolescence...more than average.  As I gazed at this beautiful sensitive soul filling the soft yet solid body alternately folding into me and rolling away from me.

During this time where night is longer than day I connect naturally to the dark.

This morning I decided to go for it and catch some light.  Outside the tall old trees sway and buck as rain and wind pelts down and around.  Inside, I reverted to the original plan and used the big head of cabbage to make Cole slaw.

I was going to make it yesterday so it would have the time it likes to season overnight in the fridge.  Didn't happen.  After a lengthy session with Vinny which revealed just how tight my back and body is, and a solid 90 minutes at the comic book store, I was beyond done by the time the kids were fed dinner and the 50+ pounds of veggies were carried upstairs and stored in the coldest-spot-in-the-apartment linen closet now also root cellar.

I'll just braise the cabbage, I thought as I finished off the mint choco ice cream.  That's more wintry anyway.  (Eating ice cream that has chocolate in it at 10:30 pm, while comforting, is really a bad idea.  I didn't fall asleep till after 2am...)

This morning I am seeking light where and how I can.  So I made Cole slaw after all.  I look forward to its cool crunchy tang as I sit down at common meal tonight.  I look forward to the taste of summer it will bring to the table in a warm well-lit room keeping pitch black 5pm at bay.

Morningtime

listening to the 9th birthday playlist.

Morning tummies have been fed (there was Fenway cake involved).  The kitchen is just about back to baseline and the dishwasher is humming along.  Gem is darting in and out of rooms scavenging to a hunt of Sag's design.  Cap is doing environmental and electronic cleaning and reorganizing, poised to shower the kids, and will be creating cake #2 for this afternoon's festivities.

I will attempt to sneak out to do some last minute (the most popular kind when one is ADDish) natal-celebratory shopping.

Have a lovely day-before-Sag's-birthday ♥

Greek coffee

I like to think you never know.  And live in the moment.  And when the moment simply feels right, like it was made for this, I do things like drink my first little cup of Greek coffee, ever.  Even if it's past 8pm.

image borrowed from Bespoke by Brouhaha.

The blogger from who I borrowed the above photo describes Greek coffee as: espresso with mud with a lot of sugar (her ratio is 1:1) that then has the hell boiled out of it.  I found it very close to hot chocolate...without the dairy.  And I thought it was yummy.

But, as I had quietly expected, I did have trouble falling asleep (and no, I didn't get the bathroom cleaned, I watched The Office and Community instead).  I was dog tired, but my eyes were doing this intense weird thing where they were drooping but I couldn't close them.  It was like each lid contained the same force...both positive? both negative?...and were doing the opposite of magnetic thing.

What I hadn't expected was waking up about five hours after falling asleep, seconds before the alarm, as I was bawling in a dream just having seen the horrorific sight of someone who had hung himself.  When I say horrorific, I mean as in the genre of horror movies.  Or in this case, tv.  I've been watching The Walking Dead and this corpse looked like a zombie.

Off to make meatballs.  (Have I mentioned Sag requested a "meat party" for tonight's family gathering?)  And today I really do have to clean the bathroom.