The space between rustic and refined

You may think granola is not refined...but I am telling you, this recipe makes an almost unrecognizable granola.  It's a bit like oat candy, more savory than sweet, complex, tasty.

Most of my day was spent in the kitchen yesterday with a nice break in between to spend some time with my honey.  (We ran errands and had lunch.)

I made granola, sautéed-braised cabbage/onion/apple, made pizza three ways (Daiya cheese on one, mozz on the other, turkey bacon for Cap, pork bacon for the rest of us) and cooked up another shakshouka (with Japanese eggplant this time, highly recommend).

I tinkered with this great pizza crust recipe and the results were happy-making.  Cap has been our resident pizza maker for years and he gave my pizza the thumbs up.  I am stoked to share in pizza making! 

Sag and I have some bean digesting sensitivities so I am decreasing my use of garfava flour which is a go to flour for many gluten-free cooks due to its higher protein and flavor profile.  (We don't use sorghum, another GF favorite for its texture profile because it doesn't agree with Gem's system).  I used M.A.G.'s all purpose rice flour bend for the base of the pizza crust.  I very unmethodically used less than 2 cups and subbed in some almond flour.  (Apparently one can sub in almond flour 1:1 for any GF flour called for in a recipe, up to 50%, without changing the end result too much.)  

Then, even more unmethodically, I added about 1/4 cup of arrowroot powder.  Because I remembered that "all purpose" means a mix of grain and starch...a skosh too late.  I figured (correctly, as it turned out) that the recipe could take it.  The result was a soft crust with a hint of chewiness and a nice toothsomeness created by the golden flaxmeal I used to handle the very tacky dough when working it onto the pizza stone and baking sheet (not toe self: put a pizza stone on the "to do" list...)

I didn't take a pic last night because I was too busy getting dinner on the table, and afterward, cleaning up and preparing the shakshouka.  But, here's a shot of this morning's cold pizza...

I enjoyed some of the shakshouka for breakfast this morning with two eggs.  And thought about making mistakes.  And being a kinesthetic learner.  And how this third batch of shakshouka was the best one of all because of the tweaking and learning I have done along the way of making it over and over again.  (For example, the ingredient list calls for a specific amount of salt but then never calls for it in the body of the recipe so, I believe I left it out the first two times.  Last night I tossed it in there at the start of the 20 minute stirring-reducing.)

Off to practice Qigong.  After that, it could be anything...hanging/folding laundry, baking oatmeal-raisin cookies, braising some pork shoulder, reading my book, diving into a mess of paperwork, finishing up the food shopping, watching Life of Pi (which I recorded weeks ago), doing something with one kid or the other or both, making a phone call or two or three...the possibilities are endless it seems.

Oh, and I can pickle those radishes!

Peace and love.

Nom nom

I am learning.  I am figuring out that when I slow cook meat, it does not take as long as the recipes say for the meat to be done.  Tonight's pork was supposed to cook on low between 8-10 hours.  Around the seven hours-plus mark I popped the cooker open and stuck a thermometer in the roast.  It zipped right up to 180º (which was 10º to 20º higher than what I was looking for) so I shut it off.

The meat is tender and succulent.  It may be too spicy for Gem, but I think Sag will like it (seasoned with Chili Powder and Arizona Dreaming).  Since Cap doesn't eat red meat, I am putting half of it in the freezer.

Peace and pork.

Lesson learned

Of course, sometimes, things go way wrong in the kitchen.  As much as I appreciate the science behind cooking and baking, I am not naturally drawn to it and, therefore, know little about it.  This is why I generally stick close to recipes, especially when I am making something for the first time.

But, I am a free spirit and optimist at heart and every now and again I am tickled by an idea and leap.  Without pause, without looking, without minding anything.

Which is how I made an Apple Date Cake that looked like this:

Where to start...I will make this again.  My mother used to bake an apple cake.  I loved it.  Kelly made an apple cake for Kate's birthday last Fall that brought it all back for me...and now I am semi-haunted.  Though this cake did not hold together, the apple cake-ness of it has grabbed my heart.

While making this cake, I was happy to pull out a Japanese grater that I don't often use, but love.  It's handy for grating things like daikon (that's what I remember my mom using it for, most).  I thought it would be good for the grated apple called for in this recipe since a bit of mush/wetness wouldn't hurt to moisten a cake.

Okay.  The recipe.  Here it is.  (This blogger's photos and aesthetic are pretty drool-worthy in my opinion.  I would not blame you for getting lost and maybe never finding your way back here.)

This is not a Paleo recipe and calls for 1 cup of garbanzo flour, in addition to 1 cup of almond meal and some potato starch (the almond meal is Paleo, the potato starch may or may not be Paleo, there's some division on white potatoes, but I have been consuming white potato in very small amounts).  My first thought was to replace the garbanzo flour (which is definitely not Paleo, I am avoiding legumes) with another cup of almond meal.

But, then, I thought a "balance" with another Paleo flour would work better and decided to sub in 1 cup of coconut flour.  And, that was my mistake.  Apparently, coconut flour sucks up a ton of liquid when used in baking.

I could kind of tell, as I was scooping the dough into the pan, that this cake was going to be dry.  It was very sandy in texture.  The thought to add an egg or two tickled the outer edges of my mind, but I decided to see what would happen...trust in the process thus far.

It looked nice (albeit dry) coming out of the oven...

After it cooled, I cut the first slice out (sorry for the very golden photo)...

Though the flavors were there, and the bits baked around the dates, in particular, held together and were moist, it was a dry, crumbly mess (and so unlike the cake photographed in Scandi Home's post).

I will try this recipe again.  Next time I will use 2 cups of almond meal.  And if that doesn't work well, I may try using some coconut flour and add eggs.  Stay tuned.

Peace and love in learning.

New quarter

Some of the ingredients of our back-to-school-ish morning...

• Math Mammoth (this curriculum is more spiral than linear and I felt compelled to start assessing their skills going back to Grade 2 to cover our bases...for anyone who saw "Grade 2" on the cover of the book and freaked).  after doing a bit of research and thinking and discussing, Cap and I have decided not to buy a general curriculum for Gem, at this time.  we're going to continue developing content ourselves for everything but Math and Foreign Language (we're using Math Mammoth and Rosetta Stone for those).  we're going to plow through the Grades 2, 3, 4, Intro to Fractions, Multiplication 1, Multiplication 2, Division 1 and Multiplication and Division 3 books (yep, that's a lot of material) at a more rigorous pace this quarter (compared to last year).  as we approach the end of November/December, we will see where we are and assess whether we want to explore a different Math curriculum.  if the kids were attending our local public schools, Sag would be going into fifth grade this month, Gem into sixth.  we'd like to get them in the ballpark of "caught up" as would be reflected in their functional day-to-day needs, as well as, would be reflected on a standardized academic test.  while, of course, not having their natural curiosity in topics of mathematics, or the general process of learning, be diminished.

• snacks.  so key with us.  the scrumptious Macintosh apples and wheat-free tamari almonds helped carry us through to lunch.  and, my coffee juice.  very important (today's brew is Peet's Ethiopian left in our kitchen by Mary and Nate).

• tools at the ready: a clean table, sharp pencils (and our trusty excellent pencil sharpener---not photographed), eraser, good quality ruler that has its own place for simple retrieval and clean up, and my laptop.

• Thich Nhat Hanh.  we started our work session by sitting and reading/hearing the following insight:

"Your true home is in the here and now.  It is not limited by time, space, nationality, or race.  Your true home is not an abstract idea; it is something you can touch and live in every moment.  With mindfulness and concentration, the energies of the Buddha, you can find your true home in the full relaxation of your mind and body in the present moment."

I think we may incorporate these weekly.  A peaceful way to provide food for thought and living.  Something to chew on, with time, as the week progresses.

Peace and love.

Linkity linkity

I just can't quit her.

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Sad news about MCA.  Onion, I think he would have appreciated this.

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A nice blog about learning/teaching/unschooling.

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Feeling like I need a retreat...to catch up on all the piddly niggly shit stuff that just ain't getting attended to.

Peace and love.

Maiden voyage: check

Still shuddering a bit inside.  Hot latte is helping to soothe.

I am going out to dinner tonight to celebrate Kelly's birthday with some friends.  Cap has been working all weekend at two one-day conferences.  I didn't want him to have to fend for dinner with the kids tonight.  This meant shifting what I thought would be for lunch for the boys to dinner.  Which meant I needed to forage at Whole Foods for lunch...not only for the kids, but for Daniel, who will be spending most of the day with us.

That meant taking the car out.  I probably had enough time to walk, but it would be cutting it close time-wise...and also prolonging the inevitable.  My first drive was not going to happen without me.

What's my problem?

• I grew up in NYC.  My family didn't own a car for most of my childhood.  My mother never learned to drive.  I failed my driving test in Driver's Ed in high school.  I didn't learn to drive till my senior year of college, and my main reason for taking the driving test then was knowing I would not be required to parallel park.  I passed that test and got my CT license in 1988 shortly before graduating.  I did not own a car.  I moved to Japan for a year after that.  The year after that I lived in California and I drove a rental car once or twice not very well.  The year after that I lived in Japan again.  (I have never driven in Japan.)  In late 1991 I moved to Massachusetts.  The guy at the Plymouth DMV looked at me like I had two heads when I presented my California driver's license to him so I could get a Massachusetts one.  It wasn't a license, it was an ID card.  I was so out of it as a driver that I'd forgotten that when I moved to Cali I opted to get the ID card (which at that time looked exactly like a driver's license) for official identification purposes.  I don't remember why I did that, but it was probably because I didn't anticipate needing to drive.  I had no idea where my CT license was so I had to retake all the necessary tests in order to receive a MA license.  Luckily, I passed.  In early 1992, we bought our first car.  I was 26 when I truly began to drive.  A late bloomer of sorts.

(Funny story: one of my siblings had come across my CT license at home in NY and figuring I didn't need it wherever I was in Japan or California, used it to make a fake ID.)

• I am a kinesthetic learner.  I need to "do" in order to figure it out when I am learning how to do something.  When it comes to driving, my confidence in driving is distilled down to routes.  The more times I've driven a particular route, the more confident I am in driving...that route.  Therefore, I may appear to be a confident driver overall, but the reality is that I am not.

• If Cap and I are in the car together, 99 out of 100 times, he will drive because I want him to.

• If I have to drive somewhere important (ie. first day at new job, first time visit with doctor, etc.), I will often do the drive the day/night before with Cap so I can "see" the route beforehand.  I can't do this simply by looking at a map.  I have to "do" it.

• Since moving to NJ, I have felt conflict and tension because living here has required more driving (older homeschooling kids with growing interests/circles) in more concentrated congestion of people, cars, streets, towns and than anywhere else I have lived.  I pretty much do not want to drive outside my familiar routes...but feel bad about it.

• When I do step outside my comfort level and drive places less familiar, it takes a big toll on me energy-wise.  I am very tense in every way before, during and after.  And then I'm a puddle.

• It wasn't until after I had kids in the car with me that I began to take driving as seriously as behooved me.  Having their safety be paramount pushed me to become a much better driver than I had been up till then.  (I was 34 when Gem was born.)  The last driving accident I caused was when I was quite pregnant with Gem.  I rear ended someone on my way home from work because I was trying to eat a messy sub while driving.  Even being pregnant didn't wake me up!  I had to have that live little baby, out of my uterus, for driving safety to begin truly sinking in.

This is all to say that I've been increasingly nervous about driving the Prius for the last 24+ hours...and why.  I couldn't do it yesterday, but today I was motivated.

So, I grabbed the manual and the kids and I got in the car.  (No name yet...soon we hope!)  I tried to remember how to start it and shift into reverse.  I couldn't do it!  I tried for a few minutes and then consulted the manual.  I had already read that section, but didn't remember.  I found the info I needed and we were on our way.

The streets were very quiet, thank goodness.  I realized quickly that there was much to distract my attention: the digital readout of the "speedometer" threw me off and my eyes were repeatedly drawn to watching those numbers change...the breaks were so responsive!...too responsive!...acceleration took longer than felt intuitive...too long!  I'd always remember, too late, to see if someone was behind me.  Like I said, thankfully, the streets were quiet so I wasn't being a hazard.

The car is very quiet, as you may know or have heard.  I was right to think it will take me awhile to adjust to not having the sound feedback you get driving a non-hybrid car.  I have no idea when I will actually begin to read and understand the information on the dash regarding whether you are in Eco mode or power mode, how much gas you have left, how much battery charge there is, what time it is, what the temperature is outside, etc. etc.  There is so much info lit up on the display screen!

We made it to the supermarket (five minutes away) and after we picked up stuff for lunch a big latte for me, we put the bags in the back of the car because I figured out how to open the hatchback door!  My body remembered what to do to start the car and shift into drive (though I couldn't tell you know.  My body knows more easily than my mind.

If I feel up for it, I will take another short trip later to the bookstore.  Eek!

Peace and love.

Baby come back

We are back from a lovely trip north.  We stayed with Jay and her family.  There was lots of cousin love and Party Down with Jay and Cap in the evenings.  (Amy left to go on silent retreat for a few days.)

We spent time with Cap's mom, dad, dad's companion, aunt and cousin (Alexandra and her girls).  We also saw Karen and her kids which was a rare treat.  Jamie graced us with her godmotherly presence twice in three days.

I didn't take many photos...here are my three favorites.

There is a seed of something growing and pushing, against some resistance, in my photography self.  One thing I've been considering is doing a photo-a-day kind of journaling.  We'll see.

While away I wandered "off the Paleo reservation" as Nom Nom Paleo would say.  I continued eating white potatoes by partaking of latkes again, this time made by Jay.  (I started eating them again when Cap made a huge batch of latkes Christmas Eve.)  Then she made some yummy white bean soup which I ate twice. Then, Karen made white potatoes with Penzey's Northwoods seasoning and they smelled so good I had to have some.  Then, yesterday, we had lunch with Cap's mom and I went ahead and ate my whole lobster roll.  For dinner, we rolled into our favorite Japanese restaurant at 8:30pm straight from the road.  I had some toro sashimi and a Mets roll, complete with tempura bits, rice and soy sauce.

I am amazed at how clearly I can feel the negative effects from these various bites of starch, legume, gluten and grain.  And when I think of all the other bites I could have had, of grains and sugar, bites I used to take without a second thought, I get a sense of the spectacular snowball effect I have been living with for years.

It is bad enough now that I knew this morning I didn't want Chinese food, our traditional New Year's Eve fare, for dinner tonight.  (I'd been looking forward to the Crab Rangoon).  So, instead, I will make some Rogan Josh for myself.

Interesting aside.  In the past, when I have eliminated foods from my diet and then had them again, they have tasted really good and wonderful.  Not so with the rice or the bread.  They tasted...ordinary.  I hadn't missed them and they didn't explode in my mouth with pleasure.

My head is fuzzy and my energy is low.  Biding my time till the poison leaves my system again.

Trying to stay calm

Today has been one of those days.  A day when I can clearly see that our perceptions can go a long way towards mitigating our emotions.  And seeing that mind over matter can really matter.

I took Gem to get his blood drawn so it could be tested for mono/Epstein-Barr virus.  It did not go well for him.  No blood was drawn.  I came away with the realization that he really is too big to be physically overpowered by me (in a smooth and calm way).  I wish I'd had that clarity before I made the appointment, but...unlike a tooth extraction, I thought he might be able to handle a butterfly needle.  (He thought so, too.)

So, we're waiting to hear back from our family doc (who does e-mail...love that.)  We think we're going to proceed as though he does have mono, and treat him with at least 4 weeks of rest.

I have bought so much food (or ingredients for food) for celebrations that have not happened/I will not be present for.  It's kind of killing me.  Trying to stay positive and in the moment...tomorrow I am spending a lot of time in the kitchen making dips and veg and short ribs.  Therapeutic activity for me and therapeutic nourishment for Gem.

We are dropping the car off tomorrow night so a local mechanic with lots of Subaru experience can take a look-see on Wednesday sometime.  Craziness on the day before Thanksgiving.  Chaotic convergence.

Keeping the kids out of the fray as much as possible.  Keeping Cap close...when the poop hits the fan it helps so much knowing you're not in it alone.

 Sag with his new Mameshiba, Edamame.

the iPad has been a lifesaver.

Robotics

As August wound to a close, I asked the kids to think about new topics they wanted to explore this Fall.  Sag immediately said "Robotics".

And, so, in the past ten weeks, he has dipped his toes into this new-for-us field of study.  Lego has a robotics branch and his experiences (both in a class at a local enrichment center and as part of a newly formed homeschooling First Lego League team) have been predominantly in Lego Robotics.

Sag has an engineer/builder/scientist's curiosity.  And the imagination and creativity of an artist.  These innate qualities and his longtime passion for building with Lego dovetailed wonderfully for a focused period of growth in a new area.  (In both settings, having string teachers who were themselves artful in their guidance, was a true gift.)

Yesterday, his Robotics class had their tug-of-war derby.  It was their last class and families were invited to come watch.  I stayed home with Gem (who was still sick), but Cap went.  It was very exciting to receive a text that Sag's robot had won his division.

I am so grateful that Sag has walked away from this experience with such a deep sense of accomplishment.  Not so much that he performed so well in the culminating activity (though there is a special sense of pride that comes with that), but that he did this on his own, separate from us.  This experience required him to flex his wings of independence in different ways every week.

He did it, and he did it with a smile.  (Today he participates in his first ever First Lego League tournament with his team, The Learning Pirates!)

Light

There is something poignant about the light which burns itself out at the end of a November day in the northern hemisphere.  I have come to love Fall as an adult...as much as it tends to challenge me.

The music in the church was wonderful this morning.  It was funny being in an Episcopal church named St. Luke's...that was the name of the Episcopal church I belonged to growing up.  Many architectural elements and details of the inside of the church seemed nearly identical to my memory of my old church.

Sag came with me, but early music turned out not to be his thing.

The kids and I began watching a documentary about the Galapagos while I folded laundry and Sag worked on his poster for the Lego Robotics tournament.

I made kale with bacon for lunch and it was delish.

Sag and I went to his team practice this afternoon.  He is not pleased with the growing intensity of "work" and specifically, "homework", that this endeavor is involving.  As this is our first time participating, there is a learning curve for both of us.

Cap and the boys and Daniel are out back shooting some baskets before the Pats game.  I am heading back to the kitchen again.  Rice and beef sliders for dinner.

This and that

At the Farmer's Market.  Inspired by Daniel, Gem sampled some pickles.  He ended up getting a lemonade at The Bread Company.  Sag got a cinnamon bun (Tree-licious was sold out of cider donuts).  Daniel got a horseradish pickle on a stick.  The three of them loved the generous free samples of kielbasy, too.  It was enlightening because the kids have not liked the same kielbasy when I served it to them at home.  I wondered if it was the deliciousness of food enjoyed outdoors, but Gem pointed out that it might be that they were grilled.  So I bought some more and cooked them up on our new cast iron stovetop grill and lo and behold, they loved it.

At Theo's birthday party.  Sag had a wonder-full day.  He got to play with an electric bass (that's a bass, right?), a real bow and arrows, and a real whip.  He was in heaven.  (Thank you to cousin Kyle who made it all possible!)

Also at Theo's party.  My sister by marriage (on the right) and my sister in spirit.  These two became friends over twenty years ago and we met Jamie through Jay.  Jamie is one of Sag's godmothers and has been a big part of both boys' lives and looms large in their hearts.  I loved getting this snapshot of these old buds.  The affection just oozes.

Declutter 2011 has begun!  I am tres excited.  Cap's presence and cooperation are making the process more efficient and focused.  We'll be doing the whole apartment, room by room, an afternoon here, an afternoon there.  It's going to take awhile, but we are committed.  I am so looking forward to see how things unfold in terms of increased simplicity and cleaner air.

This evening we're having some split culture.  Sag was interested in this show and is having an evening out with Cap (my so-far-not-really-a-bad-cold kept me home).  Gem and I are home watching this:

Happy weekending to you.  Peace and love.

Glimpses of the past

Today the kids and I went to the Israel Crane House (part of the Montclair Historical Society) for a Passport to the Past home school day.  The program was wonderful.  Our guide, Jane, was a bundle of passionate and bright energy who clearly loved what she does (including interacting with inquisitive and active kids).

I think my boys were pleasantly surprised by how much they enjoyed the activities.  I was thrilled to finally be partaking of this very local treasure trove of a resource.

Sag was the first to volunteer when the presentation started.  He was "2011" in the timeline.  I get tickled watching the kids in these types of situations because they are much more open and willing to take risks than I ever was a kid/student.  The human timeline was an imaginative way for all of us to travel back in time...to get us to where we would be in the following hours.

Each student was given a passport.  They were to have their passports stamped after completing activities in various rooms throughout the complex.  Here is Gem in the General Store getting his passport stamped.

Studying his passport.

They used quill pens and ink to write letters.  We left them to dry and re-gathered with Jane for a tour of the Crane House.

In the dining room of the Crane House.  Jane was, as you can see here, completely willing and able to truly "be" with the kids.  The white gloves on her hands allowed her to handle the artifacts, which was just about everything in the house!  (Original, "old" things, as opposed to replicas, which we were welcome to touch.)

After the tour, the kids' letters were still not quite dry.  So, we climbed upstairs to the school room.  Our guide here is holding an abacus.

The slate boards and slate pencils completely took me back to "Little House" and I was in a happy dreamy place.  We learned about the long "s".

Dunce hat and chair.

If you click to embiggen, you can see the flame at the end of this sealing wax stick.

Ever curious.

Applying the seal.

In the General Store, these post office boxes were built into part of the counter area.  I'd never seen glass paned P.O. boxes before!

The kids also made sachets.  Sag's was mostly chamomile, Gem's had a bit of everything...with the scent of cloves dominant.

(There was also a passport stop into the exterior kitchen.  When we first got there, it was incredibly smoky and the kids couldn't tolerate it.  By the time we made it back, about two hours later, the butter had been churned and the apple fritters made...and the smoke had cleared.  I was prepared to downplay this part of the tour because Gem wouldn't be able to eat much, if anything, of what was being prepared.  As it was, the kids were thirsty and we were all hungry for lunch and ready to go home.  The guide in this room made us some hasty pudding.  It was really nice that he had something to try.  Though he didn't really care for it.)

Parting shot of the Israel Crane House.  It has a remarkable history beginning with Israel Crane who made a fortune in Montclair in the early 1800s (he created, among other things, the Newark-Pompton Turnpike which is now Route 23, which just happened to run right in front of the General Store he opened in Montclair allowing local folks to shorten their previous 7 mile trip to Wayne for groceries and dry goods.)  

About a hundred years later, the house left the family and was taken over by the YWCA.  The YWCA provided young African-American women with a place to live while learning societal and career arts.  The YWCA remained there for about fifty years.  When they decided they needed to update their facility, and raze the building, the town swooped in, desperate to preserve this piece of town history.

In 1965, with three weeks' notice, the Crane House was moved about a mile, to its current location.  The photos documenting this trip were marvelous.  The history of the house, as much as, the wonderful activities, helped us tap into our senses of wonder and delight.  What a gift.

I hope you received a gift today, too.

Frisson

You know that visual special effect you see sometimes in the movies where someone steps through a portal which looks like thick blurry waves to get from one dimension to another?

I feel like I did that last night.

I was getting to bed a skosh "late" again.  As I lay there, I remembered something I had experienced the day before.  I had a strong urge to talk to Cap about it and so got out of bed.  (You'd be surprised...or maybe not...at how often, in my foggy state, I would not have gotten out of bed to talk.  I did a lot of fantasizing while instead.  Here is an example of another clear benefit of the detox happening.  Have a clear thought based in real time--->act on it.)

A couple of days ago, I was thinking about the Y and started feeling a heavy pressure on my chest.  It was uncomfortable.  I identified it as "resistance" and even mentioned it here on the blog.  I remembered the physicality of the feeling last night lying in bed and wanted to talk about it.  With someone I trust...though in that moment, I had no idea, consciously, how deep that trust was going to have to go.

In talking to Cap, I was able to deconstruct..."Inquire" (using the lingo from the book)...and it was hard.  It was scary and painful for a few minutes.  And it took longer than that to wend my way to where I got.  He was patient.  I thought we were both brave.  Fumbling and bumbling are risks that come with true communication and not everyone is up for that, all the time.

The idea, that for me came from reading this book right now (but is not wholly original to it), that through the muck which gets triggered, memories can be identified and put in their place...and that by remembering in those moments to bring yourself back into your body, your sensory experience can be completely transformed...I was able to apply that as I talked and shared and moved through and came out the other side.

It felt so enormous and shook me for a bit.  But, really, it was a blip, a breath (albeit not an easy one), and it was over.  (I consider myself lucky.  There are many folks out there who have had to deal with things much worse than I have.)

I feel ready to go to the Y now.  My resistance wasn't resistance to the Y.  (Though my mind was able to come up with reasons that it was.)  My mind mistranslated the signals my body was giving.  In a way, my mind overreacted to the signals. 

Old memories of being sexually molested (passively and actively), briefly and by strangers came back to me as I spoke.  The "feeling", black space, yawning, threatening to swallow me up whole...that's what felt to me like the heavy pressure on my chest that moment a couple of days ago.  Thinking of the Y, my mind connected back to memories of isolated library stacks, crowded subway cars, a quiet block on my long walk home from the train station...and my feelings of being trapped transferred to the Y, a place I have not made my own yet, but a space where I could make these fearful associations of stranger-danger situations.

Once I was able to give voice to what it was I was feeling and remembering, which felt so precarious, I was able to take the huge out breath that has been waiting for years.  For it has been years that I have wanted to create a new habit of getting regular exercise and have been unable to.  I have felt this resistance over and over again...and just haven't had the tools to understand it enough to get past/over it.

Now that I know what that was about, I feel free to move forward.  The world, certainly in terms of the Y, looks and smells and feels different.  I've stepped through the wiggly cell-bending portal.  It really is something.

(So, yes.  Detoxing of grains/sugar = getting more sleep = increased clarity of mind = better flow between body and mind = happier me.  So far, so excellent.)

Clarification

The insecurity is no longer there...the memories are.  The trick, the work, is to consciously get back into your body, to your now, real and sensory, while you recognize and raise awareness about the memory/mind which triggers escapist behavior...

And now, a bit late, off to bed.

Where now leads

An easy-to-make and delicious snack: wheat-free tamari almonds.

3 cups raw almonds (if you can afford it, go for organic)
3 Tbs wheat-free tamari

• preheat oven to 375º
• spread almonds on baking sheet and bake at 375º for 8 minutes (if your oven is unreliable, like mine, start checking the nuts for burning at the 6 minute mark.  you do not want these to burn!)
• place almonds right into a mixing bowl and pour in the wheat-free tamari
• stir well, but gently
• spread almonds back out onto the baking sheet and cool
• store in an airtight container (I put mine in the fridge.)

Playing with the kids.  Is it just me, or am I "lighter"?

Delving into "Inquiry" which is what the second part of Geneen Roth's book is about.  Interesting stuff.  Making me realize that the insecurity I shouldered much more consciously as a child and teen is still present...under the surface.

Update

A pic of Sag in the world of Minecraft.  This game, still in beta, is the kids' latest obsession passion.

In other news, I made a green salad and a salad caprese (all ingredients bought in the morning at the farmer's market...we stopped to gaze at the queen bee at the honey stand, Sag got a glazed blueberry donut at Vacchiano Farms and Gem got some lemonade at The Bread Company) and Cap baked chocolate chip cookies and peanut butter cookies, and we broke bread with Danielle, Norb and their kids last night.

It was leisurely and lovely.  Danielle and Norb make quite the culinary team.  My favorite bite of the night was a curry-cranberry-carrot turkey burger of Danielle's own design grilled to perfection by Norb.  I've known Danielle since nursery school, I met Norb sophomore year of college on a visit out to Michigan where they went to school and met.  They met Cap for the first time...probably at their wedding, nearly twenty years ago, in D.C.

Now we've got a gaggle of boys between us and though times like last night are too rare, we are bonded by years and years of connection and true affection...and the incredible luck that plunked us down, of all places in the universe, within two blocks of each other in the Garden State.

In other news, we've been watching Little League on the telly.  Paramus, representing our current and fair state, plays today in the mid-Atlantic finals.  Their evening game was pushed up due to weather.  It has been raining steadily here since 2am, hopefully, they'll be able to play their game today safely (in CT).  The Little League World Series starts next week.

In other news, I started reading Women, Food and God, an interesting read.  Some things she talks about have resonated quite strongly with me, but there's something about her writing style that is clunky (is it her or her editor or both?)  I've had to re-read numerous sentences in order to understand what she was saying.  There is a distinct lack of organizational flow in the first part of the book which outlines, essentially, the "why".

I thought I was going to plunge into the second part of her book, the "hows", but another book has come in from the library, A.D. New Orleans After The Deluge, and I can feel my attention going that way...

In other news, my essentially grain-free, sugar-free eating continues.  I am having the occasional craving which seems quite connected to PMS-y hormonal surges/dips.  I've noticed that in non-home eating situations I am eating more than when I am at home.  And that, though, full (and gently poking myself to try to remember this feeling for the next time), I am not going into the spacey/foggy/lethargic food comas that had become so commonplace for me.

I find it very interesting that, like clockwork, I am no longer "hungry" for something to eat at 9:30/10:00pm in front of the tv.  Not surprisingly, more often than not, I am hungry within an hour of waking up in the morning.  (It really helps to feel physical hunger again, to discriminate between actual hunger and hunger of the psyche/soul.)

Yesterday, for the first time since I began, I felt good.  The balance has tipped so that I feel less achey, less tired, less irritable.  I have been tempted to ease grains and sugar back in, but have decided, for now, to wait until I have the next order of detox in place (the fourth one, practicing Qigong is not fully in force yet, either...): begin regular exercise.

I've decided to join the Y and just do it.  But, I can feel the resistance inside me.  The plan, now, is to join in September, after our week in Massachusetts and their week of sprucing up shut down.  I am going to try walking, swimming, the elliptical and zumba.  The climate control is critical.  But, but, but, but...I feel a strong anxiety about it, too.  A claustrophobic germophobic kind of thing.  Sigh.

For now, I will simply start walking.  Around the block, in the neighborhood, in the park.  Perhaps after a few weeks of walking I will feel ready to incorporate other ways to move my body into my habits.  Perhaps I will no longer feel the need to do anything else.

This morning, I had some matchsticks of Oktoberkase (Valley Shepherd Creamery at the farmer's market) and cherry tomatoes from our farm share.  I've been savoring the tomatoes this season.  They have been delectable.  And they pair so well with cheese!  And tender leaves of lettuce.  I have not missed the bread at all.  Though I marvel at the convenience of pre-made, pre-sliced store-bought bread with new awareness every time I toast some for the boys...

Slowing down and simplifying...at times I can feel the strain on the seemingly hard-wired parts of my brain.  I can understand how bringing meditation into the picture could ease this strain.  Sleep is the best meditation...and for me, the next best thing, my dreaded Dragon Standing Between Heaven and Earth, needs to come next.

Peace and love to you.

This and that

The hot topic (npi) locally is the weather.  It has been a hot summer this year.  But, it's become super hot.  Temps didn't go much below 80º overnight while the humidity rose and today the high will be over 100º.  And it will be humid.  Very humid.

I am cleaning as we're expecting company this afternoon.  Afterward, we'll be dropping the kids with Donna and then having a date night.  Cap and I are so tired we are pretty uninspired.  Date night fun TBA.

In the meantime, I have the air conditioners going and am hoping we don't get snagged in a power outage.  The power boxes have begun melting down around town.

And here are some phone pics from the last few days...

#1: waiting for sushi after the tooth extraction...I love the color tones in this shot including the ghostly glow of the iPhone screen.

#2: day 2 of Apple camp...I love how you can see the instructor's face in the screen next to Sag.

#3: broke out my Barcelona shoes...these espadrilles were made in Spain and I love them...they make my feet look so pretty!

June

Another day, another month...June.

For as long as I can remember, I have been internally bound by the "school" calendar.  September brings with it a feeling of intense promise (even as here in the northern hemisphere things are clearly beginning to show signs of winding down for Winter) and June, well, June brings with it a sense of bittersweet.  I loved school and the close of another year, another set of relationships with teacher and classmates, was sad.  But, of course the stretching ahead of open days and nights...very sweet, as well.

When Gem was born in June, almost eleven years ago, this month took on a different quality.  He was "due" in May, but decided to join us out here in June.  Cap and I are both January babies and now here we had a Summer-cusp-ling.  I still taste the bittersweet in the back corners of my brain chemistry, but it is all but swept away by the rush of celebration which now reigns supreme when it comes to June.

Two really great blog posts came across my virtual desk this morning, both worthy of sharing here.  

The first is a must read for anyone who cares about someone living with autism, or more generally, about language and communication...truly and deeply.  The author really nails the point, one I thought about a lot, passionately, when I was teaching.  (And which applies in simply being human...all autism aside.)

http://autism.typepad.com/autism/2011/06/theres-no-such-thing-as-nonsense.html

The second one parsed the very important difference between "patience" (as in you must have so much patience to homeschool...or work with kids with autism come to think of it!) and "perspective".  I can't tell you how many times I've heard that over the last two decades teaching and learning alongside children outside the box.  (It actually started when I was 12 and began babysitting, something I really enjoyed and spent a lot of time doing until I left home for college.)

I internalized this belief, that I am patient/have a lot of patience, and through the personal work I have been doing around being ADDish in the last year or so, I have been deconstructing and dealing with some confusion.  Because you see, I am not that patient.  I love instant gratification.  I don't like waiting.  My mind had been sold a bill of goods to a certain extent, that I was patient and that being patient was "good" (patience of a saint).  I wanted to be good, so "patient" I was.

But, my body was not so patient.  So I have been living with this dichotomy.  Not a big deal, we all do it, most of us have more than one going at any given time.  

Living to be happy and healthy and peaceful means figuring these things out as we go along, to lighten the load so we have the most energy we can...to do the best we can in whatever we choose to do.

This blog post was an epiphany moment for me.  It "got" me and helped me understand my own experience more clearly...succinctly.  I am grateful.

http://www.swissarmywife.net/2010/12/the-secret-to-my-patience/

I don't know if I will blog about Barcelona today...though pleasurable, it does take time away from daily living kind of stuff.  And this post ended up waxing much longer than I thought.  Wishing you a great start to a new month and eventual new season.  Love and light.

Game ball

The coaches on the kids' baseball team gives out game balls at the end of the game.  Usually three.  I don't know if they do this after every game, or just the ones where the team was victorious (the Thunder are undefeated).

I've been wondering how my kids were going to receive game balls.  They are perfect as they are, but they are not shining stars when it comes to baseball.  Their greatest strength thus far has been their ability to get on base by walking.  (The other great strength being their ability to be very much in the moment about this whole experience and enjoying it.)

Gem received his first game ball last night,  He was absolutely thrilled and Sag was a tiny bit jealous.  Turns out, getting on base is an important skill.  Because then you can be the game-winning run coming across the plate in an exciting walk-off single with the bases loaded and two outs (right after your brother was hit by a pitch!)

I don't think I will ever forget the look of pure wonder, joy and pride on his face.  I'm glad I didn't have my camera...my eyes took in everything I needed in that moment.

Listening

The Explosions in the Sky song which was excerpted for the Friday Night Lights theme song.



Our brief foray into looking for a new apartment is now over.  We looked at a place around the corner from our current place and it had definite things going for it, but was not perfect.  I was most disappointed to find a just okay kitchen rather than the great-looking "eat-in" kitchen shown in the ad.

Afterward, we drove around town looking at other rentals from the outside as we whiled our way towards Rita's for celebratory cold ones (a local ices and frozen custard place) to mark the start of the kids' baseball season.

Before I went to bed, I asked Cap to conversate with me (one of Sag's words that I love).  I like change and changing things up.  The excitement gets my brain chemistry going.  That feeling of lighting up is yummy.  But, I hate waiting.  And being in limbo.  And, frankly, change and waiting come hand-in-hand (way too much for my liking :-)

So, we talked to help assuage my mild sense of anxiety.  And decided that we are not going to pursue moving this Summer.  Between my going away for two weeks in May, his going away for two weeks in June, and his working to finish his book somewhere in between...it would be stressful to add looking for a place and then actually moving, into the picture.

Life is funny this way: once I saw how something that seemed so perfect "on paper" (in this case on a website) was, of course, not perfect, I began to see our place from a shifted perspective.  The things I've always liked about our apartment began to shine brighter than they have in awhile.  The things I don't like I began to see as problems that have workable solutions.

My points of focus are becoming clearer as we head into the heart of Spring:

• Barcelona.

• I have been reenergized by this book, particularly the intro, to make our kitchen and home entirely gluten- and casein-free.  Gem cares now (and he honestly never did before) about gluten- and dairy-full foods that he sees us eating.  These foods have started to smell good to him and he is experiencing inner conflict that is new.  I want him to feel that we are with him, because we are (Sag is completely on board).  It is the loving thing that we want to do.

• In addition to the GFCF thing, CSA starts in June and I will be more active around food making, decreasing meat consumption, and exploring juicing.

• Keeping our place clean is a thorn in my side.  A deep clean and declutter is in our future.  Refreshing our space...renewing it, will be almost like moving...but better :-)

• Continuing with our homeschooling as we work with boys whose needs are changing.  Their intellectual curiosity continues to grow...how they use their minds, how they learn, is streamlining as they mature.  I am excited by, and up for, this challenge.  There is no "summer off" for us lifelong learners :-)

What is blossoming within you these days?  What new growth are you nurturing with your Sun, Rain and Air?

I am off to the Holy Name MS Fashion Show fundraiser today, a seasonal, family affair.  My SIL's (Lisa) aunt is the chairwoman and I've been going for years.  Aesthetically, it is a far cry from the song I started this post off with, but it's all me :-)