Autumn equinox

I took a wrong turn awhile back and have charged along a path that has led me to the edge of a cliff.  Snapping at Sag helped me see this clearly.  I described how I felt to him thusly:

"...it's like I'm at the edge of a cliff feeling nervous and uncomfortable and the slightest breeze makes me freak out..."

There is a part of me, my personality, that hates the idea of retreat...of going back...retracing steps.  I'm an Aquarian, which is all about leaping forward, airiness...there is something so earthbound about grounding.

And yet, grounding feels awfully good to me.  Probably because it is not in my nature to be grounded and so I often find myself imbalanced in the other direction.  Or I/my body attempt/s to ground my/itself in inappropriate (and ultimately unhealthy) ways...like overeating and doing stuff while sitting on my ass.

It's my mind that needs grounding, really.

And when it happens, the coming together of mind and body, it feels damn good.

I watched this Louis CK tidbit this week and, boy, did it resonate.

Then I read this piece by Melicious, the author of Well Fed, and girl, did it resonate.

And then, I read this (not-a-hot-mess-but-a-warm-one-which-she-admits) piece over at Momastery, and thought...yoga...hmm.

So, I am giving yoga a go for the first time in many years, tonight, with Donna, who is a big fan of the yoga studio she goes too.  Afterward, I will nibble on gnocchi, which I have been craving (on and off for months).  And, tomorrow, tomorrow I turn my back to the edge of this particular cliff and start retracing my steps...towards balance, towards paths I know I have felt healthier and happier treading upon.

It seems fitting to experience some transformation on the Autumn Equinox.

Peace and love and happy Fall.

Addendum four

Slept like crap (bedded down late, took forever to fall asleep, woke up tired and stiff).

"Allergy" head (eyes, nose, head stuffy/runny).

Stomach sour.

Mood down and out.

Finding it hard to be neutral about how sensitive my system is.  Can see the good (a bit), can see the bad (mostly).  Striving to see it just for what it is...to let go of the ping ponging and move on.

Whole30 food : : 26

I was down at the lab before 8am and had my fasting blood draw about 45 minutes later.  

From there it was on to the farmer's market for the best eggs, pastured beef and lamb, local corn for the menfolk, new pickles for Gem and me, local sheep cheeses for Sag (when I was handed a sample I hadn't asked for, I took it...and knew cheese will be coming back post-Whole30), and garlic stuffed olives...just for me.

The boys came down to help me with the bags and then settled into today's Pokemon episode.  Cap roused himself and I suggested breakfast out.  I was ravenous and unwilling to cook.  

We went to Toast.  I had a good cup of coffee (although the air conditioning in out section was on the fritz and I kind of wished I'd ordered an iced coffee).  I also had half a plate of corned beef hash with scrambled eggs.  I forgot to ask for it without the potatoes (if it was even possible).  I also ordered a side of sweet potato fries because they are gluten-free and vegan there and I really wanted Gem to try them.

It was interesting to be out for a meal after making the observations I had just yesterday.  More than anything, it was convenient, and nice, to be able to get out of the apartment, drive a few minutes and sit down to a meal together at an establishment that understands gluten-free.  Over half the food/drink we consumed was stuff we don't make at home (corned beef hash, home fries, deep fried sweet potato fries, milk shake, regular coffee).  We played a word game while we waited for our food (it is actually quite rare for the four of us to sit around a table for a meal together).

The bill came to just over $60 including the tip.  Was it worth that?  I guess that's one of the key questions for someone like me trying to wrangle a household budget that keeps teetering on the wrong side of balanced.

Another good thing that came out of going out: an opportunity for Sag and I to deconstruct and process his experience of "zealous" ordering and eating*.  He and I retired to the car early because he was feeling unwell after finishing his brunch of a milkshake and corned beef hash with scrambled eggs (he and I ordered the same thing, he ate just about his whole platter).  It was one of those incredibly awesome conversations full of clarity and enlightenment.

(he was very specific about setting up this shot.)

(*This morning's meal came after a night which included a thwarted attempt to see Ice Age 4 on opening night and going out for frozen yogurt instead.  Followed by intense emotional processing of how much it sucks to age and die.  "I've already lived 10 years...I only have 90 years left."  [This followed by ever pragmatic yet unhelpful older brother commenting, voice suspended in darkness, "90 years if you're lucky".]  The levity is not meant to take anything away from his experience.  He was very upset and fearful in the face of that yawning precipice of deep, dark night/nothingness.  I am sorry to say that a video I watched and he watched over my shoulder was a catalyst for his angst.  He, like his father, has a thing about fires burning down the house.)

I am feeling more energy today.  I'm curious to see what the blood work shows.  It seems like there may be a connection between my cycle and the lifting of the strong fatigue.  Maybe there is also a connection with the Whole30 being thrown in there, too.  If I remember correctly, this fatigue started before the Whole30...  For now, I will enjoy the return of some energy, wait to see what the blood work shows (thyroid issues?  low vitamin D?), and balance adding back in activity with resting.

Peace and love.

P.S.  The sweet potato fries...left a coated feeling on my tongue which I did not like.  I only had a few and felt like the baked "fries" we eat at home are way more flavorful and nourishing.

P.P.S.  The offending video (he likes the music part of the song, just not certain lyrics and the video).

Nocturnes

I finished my first (non-YA, non-graphic novel) book of 2012!  Nocturnes was the perfect way to ease into this process.  Thank you to Cap for this collection of stories.  I loved the beautiful cover art and totally dug how the brand new paperback felt in my hands.  (This kind of tactile love just can't be found with a book borrowed from the library or an e-reader.)

Here's the review I left on Goodreads (you can find me over there as Äiti):

A great first book to ease into my 2012 practice of reading more fiction and non-fiction outside of the YA and graphic novel genres. This collection of stories had interesting structural elements (recurring characters and ties to music theory). And some of the plot lines were unusual and detailed in a way that caught my attention. And some of the narratives paths, both external and internal, resonated with familiar tingles and pangs.

But. (Could you detect the big but coming?) But...there was something of "trifle" which permeated the collection. And imbalance...times when I wanted more, times when I wanted less.Damning bottom line? I don't think this collection would have ever been picked up if it didn't have Ishiguro's pedigree backing it up.

::  ::    ::

I have jumped on the Downton Abbey bandwagon.  It was hard not to notice, and then ignore, the groundswell.  Season 1 is streaming on Netflix now.  I've watched the first two episodes and in a word, LOVE.  Yes, it's another English period piece about rich people and the servants who work for them...but it works.  The writing, the acting, the sets, the clothes...

The combination of incisive verbal zingers contrasting against lush visual eye candy is intoxicating and satisfying.  In typical (and admirable) BBC production fashion an hour packs an incredible, dense punch and unlike American telly fare, I have not yet been inclined to watch more than one episode per sitting.

Believe the hype.

::    ::    ::

The kids and I are wrapping up our read aloud of Wildwood.  It has been a long journey and we have one chapter left.  These final chapters have been intense and emotional.

::    ::    ::

Met Tiina for a cuppa this morning.  Time to hang with friends is so important to me and my sanity.

As I have mentioned before, eating out is becoming more complicated/simple the longer I am sugar- and grain-free.  I ordered poached eggs and toast because the aroma of bread in the café was overpowering and I felt I wanted a taste.

The eggs were not to my liking and the toast was underwhelming.  I had half a piece.  It proved to be a most excellent vehicle for the butter.  (Maybe it was the butter I was craving?)

The complicated is working with the whole look-smell-taste sensory thing when in an eatery and dealing with an at once more varietal and more limited menu than what I make myself at home and desire.

The simple is that I am realizing my home cooking is more and more to my taste.  And what I can get out is increasingly unsatisfying/unsatisfactory.

Which gives rise to another complication...how to adjust my own cultural tendency to view going out to eat as a treat and as a nice break from the mundane.  With each new dissatisfying venture out lately, the cognitive dissonance grows.  Will I find something new to replace the wilting pleasures?  Or will my need for this particular brand of pleasure transform?

::    ::    ::

Peace and love.

Alchemy

Day 2 of sugar-, honey- and maple syrup-free.  And grain-free.  And legume-free.

I guess my body is missing the sugars from honey and maple syrup because for the first time in months, I am craving grains!  I am drinking coconut water, which is Paleo approved, though for purposes of balance I am making an effort not to exceed a can per day.

Coffee with what's left of the milk has helped fill the void of tea with honey and milk.

In addition to the improved sleep of last night, I can feel that at 8pm, I am much more alert than I usually am this time of night.  I also feel lighter...and like I can feel myself in my body.  That I can feel my body as a distinct entity...that my Self is not just a blobby consciousness floating around in the air.  This is not a usual feeling for me.

But, I am also hungry despite having had 2 eggs scrambled in the last of the grass-fed butter, a serving of Rogan Josh (lamb stew) and half an avocado for dinner about two hours ago.

I am sipping some coconut water, but may have to eat something again.

As the dairy starts to dry up I am going to have to lean more on yummy veggie preparations to give my meals more variety...in flavor, texture and color.  However, I have not been planning and prepping for that.  Tomorrow, we head into the city to visit with Mitsi and then my Dad.  We have appointments with Vinny in the afternoon and then common meal at night.

Thursday some time will be devoted to recipe searching, veggie shopping and cooking.  Otherwise, I'm toast.  Pun intended.

Peace and love.

P.S.  I am having one of the easiest periods ever.

To occupy

I think a break from the blog may be imminent.

I am feeling the pinch of the Season.  I am Seasonally sensitive this time of year...the shorter days, the stress of holiday-related consumerism...  Even my menses is acting out-of-sorts.  I spotted a few times this cycle which I don't think has happened since being pregnant (...which I should most definitely not be...)  My digestion has been really challenging at the stomach point.

I spent money unwisely today.  Nothing too dramatic...just not with the thoughtfulness/patience I've been having for what feels like a solidly long time.  I feel plunked down into chaos...but that the chaos is one of many spaces which can be occupied.

I keep thinking about Qigong.  And learning that piano piece.  And knitting something.  And spending more connected time with the kids.  (And Cap when he can disconnect from the rest of his life, too.)

And I keep not bringing that stuff into the realm of doing.

Something about not occupying the spaces that are available to me, that I want to occupy...but I somehow don't....can't...won't.

Nudging myself to shift.

The kids, the dog and I had a good week last week.  Gem and I miss Baxter already.  He's been gone for two hours now.  Cap is home and we are on the cusp of the home stretch...of the semester, of the holidays...I have a chance to turn my experience around yet.  Maybe not sweepingly, but incrementally and definitively.

Here are some pics.  And a promise that if I go, I will be back.  Because occupying this space is important to me, too.

Whirly whirl

On Tuesday, I was here:

Gem and his new Warriors book in an exam room.

He does not have mono, appears to be at the tail end of a virus, and we've been told to watch the low grade fever and resume normal activity.  He is feeling better and better, temp hovering up to 99º still on most days.  (He lost 4lbs. in two weeks...focusing on fattening him back up!)

I was also here:

We never made it to the pizzeria, but his Tour de Favorite Foods is over.  In the end, the grand finale won out.  He really effin' loves the cheeseburgers at Five Guys.  Later on this day, Sag popped a fever high enough to give us pause.

Late Tuesday night, we decided Sag and Cap would not be going to Massachusetts (we had already decided Gem and I were staying home).

Yesterday was mental insanity for me most of the day.  

I was in multiple conversations with Massachusetts family about our change of plans...and managed to forget to call key people.

I was in multiple conversation with the mechanic about our car and the various long-not-dealt-with glitches and noises, etc.  (He was fantastic...drove down to the house pick up my set of car keys when I said I couldn't get them to him easily because we didn't have a second car and I had two kids under the weather.  He wanted to try to get the rear hatchback open...the door hasn't opened in months...and Cap's keys were not working for him.)

I was in multiple conversations with various family members from my side of the family about when we could get over to Queens to take my parents' holiday picture.  I really felt the effects of my lack of balance and energy (Qi) as the day wore on and I felt more and more stressed and pressed by wanting to please the most people possible and not being able to please everyone.  This is never a good scenario!  It's always easier, smoother and simpler to have a singular well-lit path.  Ridiculous when I consider that no one was pressuring me or demanding to be pleased.  It was all me.

I continue to see how things are better than they were before.  When Cap called after he was done with his class, I was able to tell him how overwhelmed I felt.  He took the disjointed details I was spilling out, reorganized them, and became a quiet, reasonable beacon.

The kids were deemed well enough to travel.  I packed Inge's Dip, potato chips, a just-in-case meal for Gem, a collection of cheeses, a box of crackers, a snack for the car, candied pecans for my mom...and as soon as Cap came home with the car, we endured the trip to Queens which took twice as long as usual due to holiday traffic.

The holiday pic was taken, my sister's Sauerbraten rocked, we kept the cousins as not-on-top-of-each-other as we could (germ control), and my sister popped in The Wizard of Oz (which my guys have never seen).  It was lovely.

And last night at 9:35pm, we were here:

With everything going on, it was the first chance we had to food shop for an unexpected Thanksgiving at home.  I think this is the first non-traditional Thanksgiving we are having since Sag was born on Thanksgiving Day ten years ago.  (The store was not as crazy as I'd imagined it might be.)

I hope it's a good day for you wherever you are and whatever you do.  Peace and love.

P.S.  Good news on the car front.  The mechanic, who happens to love Legacy wagons and has a ton of experience working on Subarus, was pleasantly and genuinely surprised to feel that our car has some legs left on it.  We are starting with a relatively minor repair and if that holds up the working theory, then we will likely keep the car knowing it has another good couple of years with additional, reasonable work given the car's mileage age.  Yay!

No alarms, no surprises

My breakfast.  I took this shot this morning...it feels like so long ago already.  The end of the pulled pork with zesty zauce, store bought guacamole (oh, to be back in northern Cali where avocado can be found fresh and ripe year round) and cilantro chimichurri.  Oh, the pork was scrambled with eggs.

My food nourishes me.  And is healing my body and its systems in new and wonderful ways.  But, it takes so much time and energy to pull it all together.  I am struggling to hold the other parts of my life.

I can only do what I can do.  One step at a time.  Focus and be present.

It has been hard to find flow this Fall.  I suppose it might be true of every Fall.  I love this season, but it's not really mine.

Pecans have been candied (for my mom), bacon is baking, thinking on what to make and bring for sustenance to the all day First Lego League tournament Sag is participating in tomorrow.

Sag's last Robotics class is today.  Sadly, I won't make it to the open classroom because Gem is still recovering from being sick.

This melancholy song, covered here by (another Wes alum) Amanda Palmer, is what came to mind as I sit here sad and forlorn. I made a parenting mistake which deeply hurt one of the kids.

Stress-free

I got about 4 hours of sleep last night and woke with a splitting headache in the vicinity of my right eye.  Moved to Sag's unoccupied bed and therapeutically rubbed my "heart" spot, my eyes (about an inch north, south, east, west of them), my breasts (women: this is something I rarely remember to do and it is so therapeutic...I highly recommend), my neck (on the right side), right under my collar bone (on the right side), my right temple, and my fingers and fingertips.

This took about an hour and then I got up.  It's been about thirty minutes and the pain is gone though I can still feel the spot.  Relief.

A few minutes ago, I read Gluten-Free Girl's latest blog post and was reminded again to breathe.  And relax.  She quoted a 100 year old man who recently ran his first marathon.  When asked the secret to a long life, this is what he said:

“The secret to a long and healthy life is to be stress-free. Be grateful for everything you have, stay away from people who are negative, stay smiling and keep running.”

This time of year is tough on so many of us.  For me/us, in addition to the holiday whammy of Thanksgiving and Christmas (and the seemingly so much that they entail: travel to visit family, big, honking meals, holiday cards, gift giving...which I have been consciously working to simplify more and more with each passing year), we observe and celebrate Sag's birthday, Cap's parents' birthdays, Cap's annual big reading conference, Cap's end-of-semester, our anniversary, and Winter Solstice.

The forces...they are sheer.

As I travel through Holiday Time 2011, I want to remember these words above.  I strive to be stress-free.

Peace and love.

Sensing a shift

Well, that was not the morning I had in mind.

Which is okay.

The short of it is that neither boy has strep.  Well, Gem might.  But, probably doesn't.  He would not, could not, do the swab successfully.  I give the doctor (different one from yesterday) a lot of credit for not losing her temper or mind (she gave her swabbing effort a good 15 minutes).  I give myself credit for expressing my anger to Gem while we waited for his result (very likely tainted by the swab hitting his tongue on its way out of his wildly-bouncing-around mouth).  

I am trying not to bottle that kind of stuff inside.  Expressing it while pure, allows the other person a more clear way to see/hear/feel you.  Rather than try to figure out why you seem distant/resentful/grumpy later on.  He heard me.  A short while later, he said he felt bad having people be mad at him.  I told him I wasn't mad anymore (another benefit to letting it out, it doesn't stay with you) and he was relieved.  It was over.

They are both sick.  Sag's tonsils/glands are huge, Gem's throat is sore and red.  We will just have to play the next few days by ear...including Sag's early birthday party which is scheduled for Sunday.

Which got me to thinking.  The main reason I brought them to the doctor's office today was that if they had strep, I wanted them both to start antibiotics today so they would be okay for the festivities on Sunday.  

The fear that Sunday would not be the Sunday I had in mind has, so far, cost me $30 in co-pays and three hours out of the house on a day where I had been planning to stay put and clean/organize (you know, that thing I'm always trying to get to/keep at).

Six months ago, a year ago, it likely would have cost me some erosion in my relationship with the kids because I would have been shooting rays of misdirected resentment to them, the doctor, the staff at the center, etc.  I am so much calmer...so much more even-keeled.  It's amazing.

I know enough now that when I begin conjuring how I want things to be, or worse, expecting things to go certain ways, I am living from a place of depletion.  I intuit the negative space/time/energy and unconsciously try to fill it with "positive".  It's a form of storytelling.

The problem is, that if you start to rely on these stories to be true, when they evaporate into thin air as reality happens and then happens some more, it can bring on a slew of challenging emotions.  And you have to dig yourself out from under them to get back to square one.

So, I am setting an intention.  Between Thanksgiving Day and the Winter Solstice, I am going to go offline.  I have done this before.  It's a way to retreat and refuel...and to open up some time for myself to better tune into my firsthand world.  I may begin before Thanksgiving, I will let you know before I disappear from here.

While the kids and I were walking from the car to Terra (Sag was receiving a treat for doing a great job with his swab...and Rita's wasn't open yet), Gem said, "I feel much better being outside."

Of course he did.

I know this, I know this so deep in my bones, yet I have been nearly criminally remiss in taking the kids outside, just to be outside, in the last couple of months.  Part of it has been this danged elephant in every room of our apartment.  The effin' clutter that just won't go.  Part of it has been the cooking and food and the going Paleo/Primal.  Part of it has been adjusting to a new (homeschooling) season with new routines.  Part of it is that they are computer/video/reading geeks, happy to spend recreational time indoors.

So, as we fast approach the shortest day of the year, I am heading out.  With the kids.  For the fresh air, the healing light, the therapeutic ambiance...out into our biosphere.

This will take time.  I need to give a little to get a little.

Catching moments here and there, like our unplanned reverie at Terra today, are good.  Nourishing in many ways.  But, as Vinny so often reminds me, I need to push myself a little.  So, I am letting go of my screen time to make way for practicing Qigong (myself and with the kids) and for time outside.

And decluttering.

And eating Paleo/Primal.

And homeschooling.

And celebrating Sag's birthday/Thanksgiving/our anniversary/Solstice/Christmas...the late November to end of December season.

The key is to not lose my Self in all this.  To become one with it, to breathe with it, to live it.

Juggle

Sometimes it's all we can do to just hold everything.  But, when it's too much, holding brings us to a stop.  Or, we keep moving, but drop things.

This morning I decided to juggle and let some different balls drop into my hands.

So, this week, I'm bagging "table activities" and focusing on cleaning up.  The living room declutter, which is about 2/3 done, has ground to a stop.  The other rooms have been lying fallow.  My goal is not to finish anything, just to simply direct attention and mindfulness.

The other thing I've decided is to focus on Qigong practice and detangle from the food thing.  I am actually sick of eggs (I know) because my need for protein has been so consistent and nuts have not been quite cutting it.

So, this morning, I cleaned out the fridge to take stock of what's in there that is edible.  (I didn't wash it down, so don't look too closely in the pic :-)  Then, I zipped over to the farmer's market (too cold for tennis this morning so the kids stayed home with Cap) and picked up meat, dairy, veg and fruit.

I will continue eating Dragon-y veg and fruit, but am going to supplement with a rotation of proteins in moderation.  Between increased practice and a nice variety of food, I think my gearing-up-for-Winter body will be satisfied.

Now, I will go peel and core many, many apples for apple sauce.  And make something yummy for the kids' post-pool lunch.  Later, five hours with my man...maybe a movie, maybe dinner out, maybe a drive somewhere...

Stomach

Hmm.  My structures are falling apart and my stomach is involved.

Sunday, the day of Comic Con, I had a Dragon-y breakfast...I don't remember exactly what, but it was most likely a handful of toasted walnuts.

I brought some cashews and an apple with me for lunch.  But, I only ate maybe three cashews.  No apple, nothing to drink.

In between, there was an hour's drive to Queens, an hour of subway and walking to the conference center in Manhattan, five and a half hours in the conference center, and an hour of walking and subway back to Lisa and Takai's.

So, I held it together, but wise food/eating choices did fall by the wayside.

By the time I was collapsing onto my sister-in-law's couch, I wasn't even hungry.  But, I knew I should eat.  Tortilla chips, salsa, hummus, crackers and cheese were on the table.  I ate my apple and had some cheese.  I wanted protein, but beans have been giving me digestive problems, so although I had cut out cheese with Dragon's Way starting, I went for it.

For dinner I had one piece of beef short rib, a bite of roasted chicken and a pile of string beans with mushrooms (those mushrooms sang on my taste buds).  For dessert I had half a Mutsu apple (I stared down the GFCF apple pie Cap made, but I truly felt nothing...not even the tiniest stirring of craving...so weird!)

Monday I was a wet noodle.  A wet noodle who was craving protein so strongly that she ate four eggs (across two meals).  I also had a stomach ache so acute in the late afternoon that it was hard to walk/stand.  And I ended up skipping Dragon's Way class, reluctantly.

The protein craving continued today.  As did the swinging of utterly foul mood which, sadly for him, kept manifesting as resentment and anger towards my partner.  (Reparations have been made and we've agreed a night out together, sans kids, before he leaves for the west coast again this weekend, would be great.)

As soon as I am finished with Dandelion Fire (which has been my oasis today), I am going to move onto the third section of Women Food and God, entitled Food.  My emotional stuff seems rooted in deep and overwhelming feelings of rejection.  Old and mysterious stuff which is not real in the here and now, yet has been coloring my last 48 hours with the intensity of Sharpies.

I fried up some kielbasy for the kids this afternoon.  Daniel was over and he loves the stuff, too.  Well, something snapped...or let go...and despite not eating meat this week (this week being as of yesterday), scarfed down five or six pieces.  They were yummy, warm and oh, so very satisfying.  (This was within an hour of making and eating some spiced roasted nuts...the protein craving has been intense!)

Soon after, my stomach started to hurt again.  And I just didn't feel well. 

Even an hour later, while putting the kids dinner together (which Cap had prepped), I felt "green".

I knew things were haywire when Sag asked for a side of meat sauce (leftover from his dinner last night) and after I spooned some into his bowl, I scooped a spoonful of the sauce for myself before putting it away.  It tasted so good I thought I'd have some for dinner on my Paleo bread.

By the time my bread was toasted, my desire for the sauce had passed, no doubt by the new tightening around my stomach (from the spoonful I'd just had).  I had eggs instead.

There are some meridian spots running up the outside of my right thigh that are angry.  Last night in bed, I felt a piercing pain about 3/4 of the way up, nearly at my hip bone.  In the dark, I could feel a painful bump and couldn't tell if it was a nodule or a bug bite.  I had Cap come see and he confirmed it was not an insect bite.  He could feel it, but could not see it.  No redness (on the outside anyway).

I am curious as to whether it's a stomach spot or not.  I see Vinny tomorrow...I hope I remember to ask him.

(By the way, the meat is not the cause of my stomach woes.  I have been eating meat with no problems for months.  By doing Dragon's Way, I am in a process of healing which is likely highlighting a problem spot: my stomach.  And, it may not literally be my stomach, but something going on, or not, in my stomach "system".  I tell you, I love this Traditional Chinese Medicine stuff.)

You know, as clearly as my stomach/stomach system needs attention, it isn't helpful to see it as the starting point for whatever is going on right now.  Life, and living, is one continual process.  Why I am experiencing what I am experiencing...there is not just one reason.  Trying to single out a reason, I honestly believe, is pointless.

What is more helpful and productive, is to be present with whatever is happening, as uncomfortable as that may be, and move forward from there.  (For me, the discomfort is both physical, like my stomach aches, but also, emotional/psychic, dealing with shame and self-criticism.)  So today, I rested.  I allowed my book to transport me.  I am continuing on in my quest to build up more and more Qi.

The latest twists in my journey (especially going sugar- and grain-free) have seen a leveling off of some of the more "crazy" highs and lows that I have experienced since adolescence.  And as good as I have been feeling, I do miss those crazy highs sometimes.

The last 48 hours have brought back some of the crazy lows.  Nothing sustained...but very raw patches nonetheless.  It doesn't have to mean anything...it just sucks...and is.

What I like about Women Food and God (and working with Vinny, and being in relationship with Cap, the kids, and my family and friends...) is that I gain glimpses of understanding by being with it/them.  Knowledge that breeds compassion...qualitatively different from analysis...though I cannot explain this any better at the moment.

As I get to know myself better, much layers itself intuitively.  I can't necessarily articulate it.  Maybe that is because I am more in the sapped column of Qi right now.  I can feel the pendulum swinging back up.  And my face relaxes into a smile for the first time in awhile.

Fiddlesticks

Fiddlesticks (as I heard Sag exclaim recently)..."I" am reduced to a hard kernel...withered grey.

I think I am in recovery from Comic Con.  On the day of I was marveling at my stamina which I knew was connected to my strengthened Qi.  Now, I am observing that...as true as that was, I didn't have quite enough Qi to carry me through.

I've been craving protein while cutting out meat from the diet (and already not consuming dairy and beans)...how inconvenient.  I've eaten a lot of eggs in the last 24 hours.

If I am not being quiet (which is, fortunately, most of the time), I am raging.  Please send my partner a Guinness.

My lunch helped.  Working for one's grapefruit is a meditation (I peel every single layer off).

Devouring the second book of the 100 Cupboards trilogy is helping, too.  I love the tale this guy is telling...

Remembering to breathe and cleanse and stop complaining.  Wishing you peace and love.

Must...wind...down...

The kids have been into making these "Kitty" play sets, inspired by Leo, his paper crafting and their cooperative play and imagination.  These are: Kitty Burning Castle, Kitty Dojo, Kitty Swimming Pool, and Kitty Mine.

I won't say anything (more) about how once you clear a space in this home, something else will come to fill it, ahem.

For now, going to the library for the monthly homeschool get together is off.  We have a play date with Tiina and her kids this afternoon (they have a half day) and one outing feels enough.  (My general rule of only one thing "out" per day has so gone out the window lately...)

I had an interesting night of sleep.  I woke multiple times from pain in my arms.  I almost got out of bed to take an Aleve, but was too tired.  I think it may have been from swimming, but also may have been connected to the "stuff" being loosened up inside. 

Come to think of it, I do feel a bit toxic inside.

I felt a distinct "no" when I turned on my Qigong "music" (it's Master Lu describing the movements and then counting off) this morning.  Standing upright felt all wrong.

Now that Cap's gone, I am back to being kids' cook, as I enter Dragon's Way food.  To add to this exercise, we have $184 for the next eight days.  That's not our groceries budget, that's for everything.

Hmm, my shoulders have tightened and now they ache...

I leave you with a song I may have posted recently, I can't remember.  It's Sag's favorite right now and we often hear him singing or humming snippets of it during our days.

Peace and love.

Plateau

I was playing around with Photo Booth and was surprised with this image captured.  The dreamy and wondrous quality is so the opposite of how I was feeling in the moment...and have been feeling.

I am at a plateau.  My weight loss has tapered off, my energy has fallen off, my mood is no longer reliably bright and shiny.

The good thing about this plateau is that there is plenty of room for solid footing.  

We have been having an incredibly humid, wet and low pressure entry into Fall.  I am really sensitive to this kind of weather and that I haven't curled up into a catatonic fetal ball is saying something.

Change-of-season is a chaotic time in TCM.  Been feeling that, too.

September has long been a time of hitting "refresh" for me.  This year, though I have been creating the kids' my and our family schedules with more clarity, there has still been a slew of activity whipped up in a short amount of time.  Managing the assorted calendars has left me kind of breathless.

Tomorrow, the kids start back to swimming.  After lunch, we take off for Plympton to celebrate Theo's fourth birthday.  (Amazing...FOUR.)

We'll be back Monday and then Cap is being a trooper and giving me a week off (two if I need it) from cooking for the kids/family.  I am removing dairy from my diet (on top of grains and sugar) and I cannot do it without his help.  For this manatee, working with veggies requires extra time.  The washing, peeling, chopping, and cooking...  So, for a week or two I will focus on developing new routines and a new repertoire of recipes and meals just for me.

The following week, I start my swimming class!  I am very excited for this.  I enjoy swimming, but haven't really swam for a long time.  A class seemed just the thing to ease me into a new practice of joyful and peaceful exercise.  

I should also be starting a Dragon's Way class with Vinny the same week.

Off to watch Louis CK on Bill Maher...and unload the stress of incessant physical disorder and motes of dust that have been choking me.

Happy Autumn Equinox!

Listening right now:

Slow-mo

The work...the process of sifting through stuff and dust to reorganize and streamline...it was indescribably tedious yesterday.  I am sensitive to flow.  When I am part of it, I am juiced.  Thrumming with Life, with Energy, it feels amazing.  When I am not, I feel out of sync, disjointed.

Yesterday, I felt like was I moving in a molasses flood.  I was acutely aware of the blanket of DULL which lay over me and the room.

But, I kept going.  The ducking and denial that I would step into the past did not happen.  That's how powerful this recent shift within me, is.  I was in extreme slow motion, but I never stopped.  I was in somewhat-agony, but it never reached unbearable-pitch.

Rather than filling bags with stuff-to-sort-out-later, today, I will be going through old bags to clear them out of my frakkin' way.

I'm not feeling positive...yet.  There ain't nothing "good" about tedium in my book.  And the sense I got at some point yesterday evening, that keeping a clutter-free and dust-free space is relentless (not to mention being the head cheerleader of sorts when it comes to maintaining said space thusly)...well, that's an indication right there that I am not in flow.

But, in-between is okay.  Actually, it is so much better than any of the negative "d" words of the past: down and out, denial, depressed, dragging...I'll take it.  With a smile.  Which tips the scale towards plus.  Nice.

Looking pretty good 24 hours later!  The old shelf, a hand-me-down from Basha when she moved from Boston (for you old timers) will not stay there under the window.  Where it will go next is TBD.

This spot on the computer table, also known as, my desk, tends to fill up quickly with the minutiae of passing hours and days (foot tall piles are frequent guests).  I am curious to see what happens this week.  It doesn't really feel my desk most of the time.  Adding these little touches may help.

We picked up four of these red plastic bin inserts at Ikea the other day.  (The other two have been inserted into the white shelves.)  These bins contain smaller game containers and game accessories.  We love how it gives the shelf a cleaner look, while, hopefully, keeping the dust factor down.  (Our game shelf is the same type of shelf, Expedit, we bought for homeschooling storage, just a different color.  They don't make this color anymore.  Our first choice color for the homeschooling shelves were unavailable, but we actually really like the way the white looks in that corner.)

The silver lining to Gem's new environmental allergy situation (his symptoms continue to subside) is that we have a new impetus to redesign and manage our space with a critical eye towards keeping the space as dust-free as possible.  The less stuff we have, the easier it will to be clean frequently!

Reflecting on yesterday, I can see a greater Flow in place.  Fills me with gratitude and peace.

Happy feet

Yes.

In other news...

• Gem seems to have a reaction to upticks in artificial color/flavors in his system.  Makes him emo.  He's been chowing on Peeps and jelly beans and last night, at dinner, Donna mentioned my upcoming trip to Spain...he disintegrated, emotionally, right before my eyes.  He was teary for a couple of hours and had a good cry before falling asleep (a gentle but vigorous belly rub helped).  To be fair, he has been more emotional lately.  But, there was something about the quality of this emotional dip that made me think there was something other than natural hormonal shenanigans going on.

• Practiced qigong again this morning.  So far, so good.  

• Did spend less time at a screen yesterday.  Did read more (sections of Women with Attention Deficit Disorder and Planting Seeds).  Felt more mentally clear and able to face challenging situations more authentically.  (Getting angry, expressing it directly at the point of feeling it, calming down, recognizing my desire to invite compassion, communicating my awareness of what I learned about how I acted and my desire to move on more mindfully, expressing my realization of how badly that person must have already been feeling when they connected with me and had to share bad news, apologizing for the fact that I must have only made them feel worse...I was heard and reassured that my reaction felt natural and that it was understood as an emotional reaction and not a personal attack.)

Peace and love to you.

Shallows

Sleep was experienced much in the shallows last night by the the boys.  They woke many times, wandered into the big bed, only to be turned around by a father who himself has been experiencing sleep in the shallows for some days now.

This morning, Sag is sick.  His tonsils are swollen and he thinks a doc visit would be better today rather than waiting a day.  He has a fever, too.  You can see the flush of his cheek here.

I was already aiming for a quiet day today.  Yesterday got really tense and emotional at times (Gem and I are going through our own Spring things).  This will slow things down even more as Sag won't be going to Tiina's (which made him cry) or to baseball practice (which he doesn't know yet).

Balance sometimes forces the issue.  I am grateful for that.

Retreat

Any time leading up and into intentional cleansing has a particular quality.  I usually shut down a bit.  Begin to retreat, a bit, to gather my energy, to rest.

This morning:

Raspberry Earl tea with a dollop of honey and the last of the coconut creamer.  (I'll be moving into green tea and Master Lu's tea mixes over the next few days.)

Quietly contemplating these souls.  There has been so much growth the past few weeks, physical and otherwise.  It's exciting, but equilibrium has been thrown off all about, for sure.

Taking my Master Cleanse herbs, as well as, the ones for my ankle (injured in Japan, but the resulting problems didn't crop up till a few weeks ago).  I wish practicing Qigong was as easy as popping these babies...  (Also began flaxseed/primrose oil and bee pollen...intending to work in fish oil soon.)

Feeling the pull of self-doubt and negative self-image.  Resist, resist.  Looking forward to doing a bit of escaping into A Game of Thrones, the book, when it comes in for me at the book store (the library system is all out, due to the HBO show debuting this week).

Waiting for balance to be restored in my unique-and-I'm-working-on-it brain/central nervous system/mind.  

Example:

I sent my beloved slippers back to Bean for replacement ones (the sheep fleece lining wore down before the rest of the slipper did).  I've been delaying doing this for months, even as the problem worsened, because...well, I couldn't imagine being without my slippers for a week or two.  Then, an opportunity arose.  A pair of Wellies that came for Gem had to be returned on Bean's dime.  I am such a freak when it comes to paying for shipping.  I hate doing it (the dark side of resistance :-)  So, I impulsively popped the slippers into the box with the Wellies and sent them away.

Oh, the nightmare aftermath of being impulsive (truly, feels like it almost never works for me to be impulsive).  I knew I was going to the local outdoor shop to exchange my Barcelona shoes for a bigger size (and different color...madder rose!)  While there, I decided to finally take the plunge and get some Birks to be worn as summer slippers, something I'd been inspired to do by seeing Silke's indoor shoes.

I didn't find exactly what I wanted (the purple ones have been discontinued?!), but I found a pair that will work just fine.  But, you know me, color matters.  Especially if I am plunking down $100 for a pair of shoes I will be wearing for 10 years, into the ground.  So, they had to be special ordered.

And now, I am without house shoes for the time being.

I've tried going barefoot treading carefully, I've tried double socking my feet, I've tried changing my socks as needed multiple times a day.  I am that tactile defensive on my feet.  One drop of water, I feel it seep right to my skin on the sole of my foot and that sock is done.  Each stick of my bare foot to some random sticky spot on the floor and I get the willies.

It's exhausting being in the kitchen right now.  And it shows.  Poor Cap is picking up the slack for me, fresh veggies lie fallow in the fridge.  My Dragon's Way food is slow to get going.  I could use my replacement slippers.  I could use my new house shoes.  I could use a chemical reboot.  I could use a new perspective.

You see, balance needs restoring.  And, maybe, you can understand why I've been feeling as of late, that meds or a lobotomy could feel better than this.

Off to Danielle's.  Time out.  Happy children.  Temporary chemical reboot.  You never know where it all can lead.

Phew

This note was written, unbeknownst to me till we returned, by Gem at 8am when we left for the supermarket.  Some of you reading this know that it is highly unusual for me to be going food shopping (ie. leaving the house, which would necessitate my being in street clothes, and hence, no longer in my pajamas) at this early hour.  Beyond that, that one of my kids would be in their street clothes and ready to head out at that hour?! 

You may pick yourself up off the floor now.  (The other two members of our family were still asleep when we returned.)

It's been quite a day.  Food shopping, qigong-ing, soup making (stock was percolating on the stove all day yesterday), dish washer filling/running/emptying, work tray and shelf organizing, hours of school-at-home-ing, chicken salad making, catching up with an old friend phone calling, package opening, dark chocolate egg popping, bathroom cleaning forewoman-ing, laundry folding, blog reading...

It's amazing to me that some people, maybe even most people, are able to be this organized and productive all the time.

For me, there needs to be a harmonic convergence of brain chemicals, reproductive hormones (are those the same things?), atmospheric pressure and environmental calm, in order to have a day, or dare I say it, a chain of days like this.

I'm kind of pooped.  Time for dinner and maybe finishing No Country For Old Men (watched about 2/3 of it before Gem's angst about life and growing up required my undivided attention and care).

Good evening to you.