Walking the walk

This morning, son #2 was having a hard time.  He was hit with the quick bug I had and is feeling occasionally overwhelmed in its aftermath.  (Son #1 is feeling under the weather today.)

Fortunately, I had resumed meditating and practicing Qigong (the routine was thrown by my getting sick), and my calmer and clearer mind was able to feel compassion and assist in problem solving.

We did some talk processing, but the clincher was making a list.

Once he was squared away, I tripped over some of my own feelings of overwhelm.  Then, I made a list.

Things to be completed by Sag's family birthday party/Christmas gathering on Sunday:

• knit a hat, weave in ends of two hats, wrap two hats

• make candied pecans

• put a dent in the holiday cards (at the very least, the three for family members gathering)

• deep clean kitchen (it. is. so. nasty.)

• deep clean the bathroom

• dust all rooms

• vacuum all rooms

• pick up and wrap nephew dog's gift

• clean and organize my "desk" (still so much loose paper!)

• bake Christmas cookies: these and these

• put up tree and decorations

• prep party food: appies (hopefully the farmer's market will persevere pre-snowstorm), deviled eggs, steamed carrots, onigiri, cream cheese frosting.  (Cap is baking the cake, my mom is bringing meatballs, and we're bringing in a couple of pizzas.)

Breathe in, breathe out.  And smile.  And feel grateful.  My mantras.

train crossing at night.

found tucked in library book.

candied pecans o'clock.

curly Su?

I hope it's a happy Friday for you.

Peace and love.

Doing the math

I read this short piece on The Necessary Art of Subtraction recently.  The wisdom/strategy is obvious and simple, yet easy to miss.

My tendency is to add...and see how the chips fall in terms of what gets subtracted.  I find it difficult to actively subtract.

Here is what I have added and subtracted in these days after Thanksgiving and before Winter Solstice:

+

• dosage of magnesium supplement (really helps my sleep)

• meditation (doing the 10-day free trial)

• Qigong

• setting an alarm to wake up

-

• cane sugar

• grains

• dairy

Decluttering, keeping up with household cleaning, and tightening up the household budget continue to be glaring areas of need.  What must I subtract in order to bring these aspects of responsibility into the fold of my present intention/attention?

(post-sauna selfie in Plympton.)

Peace and love.

Exhale

As I took my last bite of braised red cabbage and apple scrambled with chopped plum tomato and a pastured egg with a drizzle of fish sauce (Red Boat = sugar-free)...my body released a tiny moan of pleased satisfaction.  And I felt so lucky.  And I felt so grateful.  (The soup is butternut which deepened overnight into a super savory delight.)

Yesterday I read an interview with Ann Leary and was struck by something she said:

"I think what people who aren't alcoholics don't understand is that denial isn't a refusal to believe the truth on the part of the alcoholic. They actually believe their truth. You know, it's not that they're turning, you know, a blind eye. They actually are in a different reality than their family members."

As I shift into a Dragon-y phase, I am quietly stunned by my pieces as they fall into...a different more healthful design.  I am the same, I am still me...yet going to class and practicing the Qigong movements for just a few days has brought about a subtle sea change.

(Eating less; feeling naturally and actually hungry, as opposed to, the more familiar clawing anxious seeking comfort hungry; being aware of the ebb and flow of nourishment and inflammation/distention; feeling more focus; feeling more calm.)

I don't think I am a true addict, but I know I have the tendency in my DNA.  I wonder if this has landed me in the center part of a Venn diagram.  I am capable of going into "different realities" while simultaneously believing that in doing so, I am refusing to believe "the truth".  That's some serious push and pull and would explain some things.

Anyway, all the tension and chaos of the past few months are quickly being left in the dust.  I am feeling good.

The weather has turned autumnal again and I am obsessively enjoying my new robe, the second robe I have ever owned.  It is cozy and colorful and chenille.

I am rediscovering the joy of apples.  Local, low-pesticide fruits fresh from the orchard.  YUM.  The color, texture, fragrance, flavor...unbeatable.

I hope you are thoroughly enjoying something today.

Peace and love.

Autumn equinox

I took a wrong turn awhile back and have charged along a path that has led me to the edge of a cliff.  Snapping at Sag helped me see this clearly.  I described how I felt to him thusly:

"...it's like I'm at the edge of a cliff feeling nervous and uncomfortable and the slightest breeze makes me freak out..."

There is a part of me, my personality, that hates the idea of retreat...of going back...retracing steps.  I'm an Aquarian, which is all about leaping forward, airiness...there is something so earthbound about grounding.

And yet, grounding feels awfully good to me.  Probably because it is not in my nature to be grounded and so I often find myself imbalanced in the other direction.  Or I/my body attempt/s to ground my/itself in inappropriate (and ultimately unhealthy) ways...like overeating and doing stuff while sitting on my ass.

It's my mind that needs grounding, really.

And when it happens, the coming together of mind and body, it feels damn good.

I watched this Louis CK tidbit this week and, boy, did it resonate.

Then I read this piece by Melicious, the author of Well Fed, and girl, did it resonate.

And then, I read this (not-a-hot-mess-but-a-warm-one-which-she-admits) piece over at Momastery, and thought...yoga...hmm.

So, I am giving yoga a go for the first time in many years, tonight, with Donna, who is a big fan of the yoga studio she goes too.  Afterward, I will nibble on gnocchi, which I have been craving (on and off for months).  And, tomorrow, tomorrow I turn my back to the edge of this particular cliff and start retracing my steps...towards balance, towards paths I know I have felt healthier and happier treading upon.

It seems fitting to experience some transformation on the Autumn Equinox.

Peace and love and happy Fall.

Well

Went to the Y.

Enlisting a buddy in this process was critical. I would not have made it out of the cozy confines of home today if not for the plans I'd made with Danielle.

We were early for Zumba so we hopped onto the elliptical machines for 20 minutes. Wow those things are virtuous yet boring.

Zumba was hard to describe. I appreciated many things about it, including the instructor, who was quite inspirational. It was a small class due to the snow and I was grateful for the space and the unobstructed view of the teacher.

I was surprised that I did not hurt myself or feel any pain doing these two activities back-to-back. Also, that I did not have to rest from exertion.

I was less surprised that my mind managed to wander during these activities...but still surprised. Especially during Zumba, which was as much brain gym as body one, the things that popped into my head...

When it was all over, I had so many questions. Such as, how do people not spend hours and hours at the gym? There is so much to do! I so wanted to jump into the pool after Zumba.

My predominant emotion/mental state was confusion. I was tired but energized. Calm and not grumpy. I smiled more than a few times during Zumba, but also regretted going pad-less with all the jumping I was doing.

Once home, I have wanted more than anything to curl up in a blanket. After feeding the kids and myself, going over some Math work, and a long, hot shower, I finally snuggled down with a mug of hot tea at hand.

A few hours later, I am feeling something in my knees, in particular. I will down some Advil with my Americano before heading out to play with/babysit my young friend, Leo.

Since I have plans to go dancing tomorrow night, I have already nixed my plans to go to Athletic Conditioning at 9am. I will return to the gym Sunday for some more Zumba.

Peace and love.

Feels like monday

Cap made me a batch of salmon cakes this weekend.  For breakfast, I heated a couple in a pan and then topped them with homemade olive oil mayo (still good, this stuff lasts a long time!) and Melinda's hot sauce.  Nourishing.

(I had some popcorn last night...popped in coconut oil and drizzled with Kerrygold.  A bit of Paleo off roading.)

Lana posted a video clip of a moment on Ocean Beach yesterday, over at the 60 Seconds blog. Watching it made me feel dead.  In a good way, if that makes sense.  Going to the beach when it's cold out is one of my most favorite things to do.  Yet I have not done it in a long time.  A very long time.

One way to fully live is to do the things that truly make you happy.  I am not doing that.   I am bogged down by my body, my temperament, my sensitivities, my thoughts.

This is a familiar song.  I know I have felt this, recognized this, before.   It is, I realize as I sit here in February, part of my seasonal "stuff".  A partial shift awaiting completion.

Take a breath, prime the body...heave.  

Other things that woke me this morning:

Peace and love.

Yesterday

Yesterday marked one week of my lower back-pelvic-abdominal "issues".  Last night and this morning I have not needed to take pain medication.  Progress!

24 hours ago I took an Aleve on an empty stomach and learned why you may or may not want to do that: I spent most of the morning feeling stoned.  (I was desperate with pain and sleep deprivation and not in my right mind to start with.)

I spent much of the day reading (and finishing) a gripping and well written YA novel, Unwind.  

I had my first "food" craving since the new year, definitely hormonal, and it was interesting because no image of a particular food popped into my mind...I found myself mentally inserting former heavy weights like onion rings and ice cream onto the craving throne.  But, there was a distinct disconnect in muscle memory...in the chemical neural pathway.

What finally stirred a flutter of movement was the thought of chocolate.  Which, again, was interesting because in the last 6-12 months I have noticed a definite downturn in my chocolate cravings.

Thankfully, there was leftover skirt steak, rutabaga fries and guacamole in the fridge.  The flavors and fats of the beef and avocado were happily and totally satisfying and satiating.

I ended the day with episodes of two great tv shows: Parks and Rec and American Horror Story: Asylum.  I also watched the Project Runway All-Stars finale and was bored.  (Which was worse than being incensed watching this week's Top Chef.)

The day was also, as usual, punctuated with good food.  

I made this chicken tomato soup for dinner (this is what it looked like right after turning the cooker on low for 6 hours...I opted to partially thaw the chicken overnight in the fridge), which may get the nickname "pizza soup" in our house because to Cap and me its flavors were very reminiscent of pizza.  I tweaked the recipe here and there and next time will tweak it more.  The soup was hearty and flavorful, but there wasn't enough "soup" for me.  Next time I will add more liquid/reduce the amount of chicken.  I used Anthony's pastured chicken breast and his birds are very plump and meaty.  Gem did not care for it, Sag thought it was okay and finished his bowl.

I really love Nom Nom Paleo's recipes.  For lunch I had leftover Curried Cream of Broccoli Soup and following her cue, plopped in a piece of protein (leftover pot roast).  This was such a nourishing, satisfying bowl.  The delicately flavorful soup and the rustic chunk of beef complemented each other nicely.  (Our powerful new stick blender scared me a bit so the soup was not as smooth as smooth can be...next time.  With one of their ubiquitous coupons, we got it for less than the Amazon price at Bed Bath and Beyond.)

My breakfast plate.  As you may have noticed, my food pics tend to be shot before I tuck in.  And I do have a "before" shot of breakfast yesterday.  Three pastured eggs (one was tiny) scrambled with a handful of organic baby spinach in Spanish olive oil.  With a dollop of Basil Salad Dressing on top.  What you may not know (and this will come as no surprise, likely) is that more often than not, I do not eat my meals in one sitting.  This is particularly true of breakfast.  Lately, I tend to start breakfast for myself first and then the kids drift in.  They are learning to do more for themselves in the kitchen, but it takes guidance.  This was my plate after it had been sitting for about twenty minutes.  Still tasty, a little more real.

Peace.

Concentration

"When you contemplate the big, full sunrise, the more mindful and concentrated you are, the more the beauty of the sunrise is revealed to you.  Suppose you are offered a cup of tea, very fragrant, very good tea.  If your mind is distracted, you cannot really enjoy the tea.  You have to be mindful of the tea, you have to be concentrated on it, so the tea can reveal its fragrance and wonder to you.  That is why mindfulness and concentration are such sources of happiness.  That's why a good practitioner knows how to create a moment of joy, a feeling of happiness, at any time of the day."  ~Thich Nhat Hanh

An interesting thing about these meditations...when I start to read them, I sometimes think it is not relevant to where I am...but by the time I am finished and give it a moment, something unfolds in my mind and a connection is discovered.

I set intentions to create four new daily "habits" with the new year: practicing Qigong, eating Paleo, taking a gentle walk, and playing piano.  The eating Paleo has maintained through the first week of 2013.  The other three have been spotty, no habits formed yet.

Reading this meditation made me realize that the four "habits" are actually all expressions of the same thing.  A striving towards mindfulness...requiring a formidable amount of concentration.

I have not been beating myself up, but I have not been thinking clearly about it, either.  If I were a monkette in a mountaintop retreat hut, I'd more easily incorporate new daily intentions to my life.  Since I am not, I am making adjustments.

This week, maybe next week, once eating Paleo no longer requires the full on concentration it has the first week (the physical/chemical adjustment---today's the first day I felt pretty great; the organizational demands of meal planning, food shopping, trying new recipes/preparing Paleo meals plus just-in-case meals for other tastebuds in the family), I will shift the bulk of my concentration to the next intention: practicing Qigong.

The Paleo eating is going very well.  I learn best through experience/doing and because this isn't my first foray into dropping sugar/grains/legumes/dairy/most oils, everything has come together well.  The fridge is packed with food and ingredients (ever present gluten-free flours need to be refrigerated; veggies take up more space than meat/dairy; nuts need to be refrigerated).

Today's lunch was leftover turkey stuffed butternut squash with a side of kale dressed with Leon's Miracle Sauce (with capers and anchovy). Yum.  (I love love love Trader Joe's pre-washed pre-cut organic kale in a bag...for $2.49!!!)

After a session with Vinny (my first of the new year), I was relaxed and energized.  If I was a monkette, I totally would have hopped into bed for a nap.  But, the rest of the day beckoned, specifically thoughts of the evening meal.  I checked the avocados which had been too hard yesterday and they were ripe (putting them in a brown paper bag with a ripe banana works every time...yay chemistry!)  So I made a recipe I've had since 2008, unearthed in my recipe cache reorg, and it was sooooooo tasty.

This Creamy Tuna Salad With No Mayo, Eggs, Soy or Dairy is the shizz.  It was so savory, textural, rich and satisfying that I completely forgot to put it on something other than my fork.  It is, truly, a meal unto itself.  Also shocking, it was so satiating that I did not finish my bowl.  If you know me, you know that's pretty dang unheard of...me, eating something I find delicious, and stopping because I have simply had my fill and am completely satisfied.

It's a thoughtful, lovely recipe.  I rarely eat canned tuna because I find the tang that remains in the can, the sink, and sometimes in the tuna itself, overpowering and fairly unbearable.  I don't gag, but come pretty close to it.

Well, this tuna salad annihilates any and all fishy odor.  If it weren't for the distinct canned tuna texture, which does remain, you could forget that you were eating tuna.  So, if you are an omnivore, give this recipe serious consideration.  It is really incredible.

I have put together a second binder of recipes for the kids.  Gem, especially, has a selection of go-to meals that he loves.  This evening, factors coalesced in such a way that I made him one of his faves, Carrot Tofu Scramble.  My plan is facilitate the serving of food that makes the kids happy...beyond the hot dogs and sliders which I tend to rely on when my concentration lapses.

This recipe is easy and quick if you have a food processor.  And, look at those colors.  It makes me happy every time I make it.  Mostly because I know Gem will be thrilled and nourished, but it gives me some personal thrills, too.  (I will be forever grateful to my sister for passing the recipe along to us so many, many moons ago.)

Peace and love.

One hundred percent

"Be there truly.  Be there with 100 percent of yourself.  In every moment of your daily life.  That is the essence of true Buddhist meditation.  Each of us knows that we can do that, so let us train to live each moment of our daily life deeply.  That is why I like to define mindfulness as the energy that helps us to be there 100 percent.  It is the energy of your true presence."  ~Thich Nhat Hanh

Before I had kids I did not think about things like mindfulness.  Of course Buddhism and its tenets have existed for millenia, but pre-"new millenium" words like mindfulness were not bandied about amongst non-disciples like they are today.

So I cannot speak to my natural predisposition for being there with 100 percent of myself.  Maybe Cap could.  What I can tell you is that since I became a parent it has become quite impossible to do so.

I have attempted to end run myself into thinking that I am being there 100 percent at all times because not only am I mother, I am an attachment mother.  Ergo, all of it, all of me, is wrapped up in motherhood.  Motherhood = personhood.  A quid pro quo, at least till the kids become adults.

Which is it?  Maybe both.  Likely simply a process.  Moment-to-moment is all there is.  One can tap into the eternal juice in a variety of forms within a single physical lifetime.

This a mere scratch on the surface.  We could go all day.  Or, for days. 

I finished a dazzling graphic novel last night about a mother and daughter, motherhood, infant psychology (Donald Winnicott), analysis, memoir...it was dense but so connective (Virginia Woolf and Adrienne Rich were both used as touchstones throughout the narrative).  It seemed so much about this particular daughter-mother pair, but had, I thought, deep and broad universal reverberations in the end.  I loved it.

Off to go be there 100 percent with the next thing.

Peace and love.

Let there be light

While Cap slept (he started feeling crappy last night) and the kids did their chillaxing thing (Gem still feels under the weather, Sag felt good yesterday but less so today), I got out for a bit this morning to holiday shop and errand run.

I appreciated that the town gives free two-hour parking in the shopping districts during the holidays.

I appreciated walking into the butcher to order short ribs for tomorrow morning, crossing the street to the hardware store to pick up a replacement cord for the salt lamp, and quickly finding the last three books I needed at my beloved indie bookstore a block away.

I appreciated not being made to feel a fool when I realized I didn't know where the fuel door opener was in the car...I guess it was my first time getting gas.

I appreciated the warmth of being recognized by the guy who works at the indie sports shop and picking up a gift certificate for a boy who is going to be so appreciative when he opens it.

I appreciated the unexpected delight of being drawn into a shop I'd never been in before.  It was slightly dangerous (to the wallet), but the finds were really fun.

I appreciated my ability to not buy myself a cup of coffee knowing I had good caffeine waiting for me at home.

I appreciated the indie stationery store where, finally, I could buy a roll of wrapping paper.

I appreciated checking everything off my list (and then some).

We did have to cancel common meal tonight (after postponing it on Monday and canceling in November).  This opens up some time, but also means we have a surfeit of awkward foodstuff, again.  Not a biggie.

Also not a biggie, the fact that the above lamp has been non-functional for years...and that, in the end, it was a simple fix.  There was a time, a big chunk of my adult life, when the non-getting done of tasks like this would drive me crazy.  I would feel stupid and hate myself.  Something has really changed.  

When I decluttered last weekend and came across the lamp (there have been many items in my life that I have just tossed because I couldn't deal with the logistics of fixing them...but this lamp is special in many ways and so I've held onto it), my mind had been decluttered enough in the last year that I knew what I could do to try to fix it.

I wrapped the old cord with a rubber band so I could bring it to the hardware store with me.  Put this bundle on the (now decluttered) shoe shelf by the door where I only place high use items (keys) or things that are going "out" (library books to return, mail to send, etc.)  Within a week, I was in the hardware store showing the guy my bundle and in two minutes I had a replacement cord.  That cost $5.

Once I got home, I was excited to see if it would work.  And, of course, it did.  And I only felt happy.

You know what else makes me happy?

Baxter is with us a for a few days.  He's been asleep much of the morning, but just wandered over to the Christmas tree and sniffed at the presents under there.  Now he's curled onto a corner of the Christmas cloth that covers the tree stand.  Sweet.

The cards are not finished and I do have a couple of pounds of pecans to candy.  Plans continue to be made, for Christmas Eve and then our time in MA right after Christmas.  It's all good, actually, it's all wonderful, but a part of me is also looking forward to the very end of the year, a few days with absolutely no obligations.  Of quiet.

Peace.

Ding ding ding

I usually start my morning with a single cup of coffee made in the nifty single cup French press I found in the pantry during the big declutter we did in there a few months ago.  This is usually followed by a single cup of black tea mid-morning.

This morning felt different and I pulled out the coffee machine.  Here I am with a mug practically as big as my face.  I brought it home for the kids from D.C.  Love the quote.  (It's J.F.K.)

Something has shifted inside and I have noticed my appetite is ramping down.  This is something.  It is significant.  Or, at least, it feels significant.  For I am a woman with appetites.  Big ones.  

Over the last decade I have attributed these appetites (for food, for daydreams for books, for movies, for knitting, for love...and before I left it, for my profession) to my personality (sensitive/introvert) and have come to parse it even more, to my chemical make-up which ties very much into my hormonal life and neurology.  (It's all a circle of primal ooze...with a dash of stardust.)

Timing would indicate that perimenopause entered my building awhile ago.  And has played me.  Toyed with me.  Screwed me.  Nothing personal, it's just what it does.  I'm lucky.  Because I have breaks in between the toughest times.  And in even my toughest times I don't ever feel like throwing in the towel.  Putting it down temporarily, maybe, but never bowing out for good.

I do find it very hard to remember, though, through much of it, that it's not my fault.  That, somehow, if I would practice Qigong more or eat sugar less or walk away from the screen more or watch tv less...things would be better, that I would be a better person.  A better mom.  A better partner.  A better friend.

Don't get me wrong, realistically, all the above would likely add, incrementally, quality of life to my life.  But, I had a bit of an epiphany this morning.  My little light shone.  

Something has shifted despite my not having made any of the above adjustments in any significant manner (despite thinking I should).  I realized I felt a bit more normal.  Calmer.  More peaceful.  More contained.  Less hungry.  A lot less hungry.

Something shifted just because.  I had nothing to do with it.  

Now, my appetite(s) for self-loathing and self-doubt have really shrunk.  A lot.  But in the throes of listlessness, moodiness, restlessness...when it lasts for more than a day or two, I have seen that the well is deep and old brackish water can rise.

I am glad the bell has rung on this latest bout with punk ass Peri.  I lean forward with new momentum along the path lit by my little light.

Peace.

Am I every woman?

Tired of singing the same old song...but I'm going to cut myself some slack because Aunt Flo is really crowding my space.

I'll spare you the details but here are the highlights:

Wacky hormonal appetite.

Very foggy mind.

Emotional bitterness.

Dearth of energy.

Upper back and neck tightness.

Liver meridian points struggling.

Taking deep breaths when I remember to.  Lana posted this link on FB this morning and it was an oasis.  A really lovely piece.

Send the kids hugs.  I'm taking no guff from them today.

Peace.

Jottings

• sleep is shifting thanks to the Chinese herbal sleep aid.  (not surprised) it hasn't slipped right into smooth sailing.  one night an epic cinematic suspenseful dream.  one night hot flash mid-sleep awakening followed by a too cold/have-to-pee mid-sleep awakening the next night.  (same climate control both nights.)  Olympic fever has made it hard to go to bed earlier, but I am definitely sleeping later and getting closer to eight hours a night.  also falling asleep quicker with much less mental thought spiraling.  I can literally feel the sleep deprivation-crazy ebbing from my system.  (a crazy I tend not to feel until it's way too late, or, I am in recovery/repair mode.)

• eating some non-Paleo and/or junky food: brown rice wraps, cheese, potato chips, ice cream, dark chocolate, yogurt, corn tortillas, coconut cream pie, Thai iced coffee...  it has been mostly very enjoyable.  the potato chips went into minus balance zone almost right away (yet I went for a second go around a couple of days later...cycle related salt/fat craving, methinks).  noticed quite distinctly that last night's Rita's "twist" of vanilla and chocolate frozen custard did not fill me substantially in any way.  I needed to eat shortly afterward to get some protein.  meal planned yesterday to eat Paleo this week.  we have a weekend away coming up and next weekend we go on holiday for a week in VA.

• experienced a definite mood drop this morning (after days dotted with bright energy).  spurred me to fill in smiley-neutral-sad faces in my calendar.  (Donna's idea...thank you to all my friends and supporters who have tossed ideas my way in the wake of this "d-word" crisis.)  I think this is a post-ovulation drop.  it helped to do something concrete, outside of my head, to deal with feeling emotionally down.  it also occurred to me to call someone and make a date today.  it definitely helps to be in the company of friends when feeling this way.

• but first, because I had meal planned a light breakfast for myself (Dragon's Way style nuts and fruit), once I unloaded the dishwasher and washed up/loaded the stuff in the sink and made breakfast for the kids (and rejoiced that Cap had organized a messy corner of the kitchen and ignored the bordering-on-filthy kitchen floor), I grabbed my homemade iced coffee and bowl of cantaloupe and practiced Qigong in the front room.  the shifts in sleep, food and routine triangulated, finally, so I could practice in the morning as I am wont to do.  (eventually I am hoping to practice first thing in the morning, early enough so the kids are still asleep.)

• beginning to plan for MA and VA.  want to make more headway in figuring out the exercise thing before we go away.

• am loving the inspiration of watching the Olympics: archery, volleyball, dressage, weightlifting...so many sports I know little to nothing about that I want to try now!

Manatee love

I am feeling clearer and happier about my process.  I am enjoying non-Whole30 foods.  I am reveling in a relaxing Sunday.

Here is a shot of internet awesome.  Enjoy!

Shocker

I've been sucked into the vortex that is 11/22/63 (link to NYT review which I will read after I am finished with the book) and so have not been reading It Starts With Food (which would be the more applicable companion piece to this Whole30 experience).  If I were, I might have nifty soundbites to better discuss "the shocker".

My taste buds changed relatively quickly and I saw that one coming.

But, recently, I have begun to notice...and I'm not sure how to describe this...that my food imagining, my food expectation...how I think about food...has undergone a dramatic change.

• I am eating less...though I still sometimes accidentally make myself more food than it turns out I wanted (imagine neural connections shorting unexpectedly creating temporary mind-body disconnect)

• I am, much more often than not, wanting no more than I have

• I am completely neutral/disinterested when I think of/am around foods I haven't been eating...more than I ever would have thought possible

Two little epiphanies I've had today:

• if I do go out to dinner tomorrow night, I don't think I'll have the chocolate cake.  I simply don't want it anymore.  I know I don't want the sugar, I know I don't want the gluten.  yesterday, I think my body was calling for the chocolate in its PMS state.  I'd actually asked Cap to make me sugar-free truffles about a week ago, but he's been too busy.  I've been hearing the call for chocolate, but hadn't put two and two together.  when he makes the truffles, I'll have a supply in the freezer...and will experiment more intentionally with call and response.

• fruity dessert recipes (which overpopulate the blogosphere this time of year), whether gluten-free, dairy-free, vegan, paleo or primal, are so often pretty to peruse and yes, would be impressive to serve at some tea party I'm never going to have, but I finally got it today: do not be a prisoner to your own illusion that this is how your fruit should be used.  let the fruit float your boat.  (and if you are eating local fruit in season, and have cut sugar and grains and dairy out, I swear you won't feel compelled to have a fruity dessert, baked or frozen, you will be that satisfied.)

I am amazed that in three weeks my brain has been so turned around.  That I am no longer going through my day thinking about my next meal is profound.  I am looking forward to digging even deeper...more meal planning/budget balancing, more integrating CSA veg into my days and more making the kids' food more Paleo.

Whole30 food : : 19

My ambition at lunch time was to eat something yummy and nourishing that was simple to prepare.  As I sat, munching happily, it occurred to me to take a photo...and I hesitated.  A photo of roast beef wrapped around homemade guacamole?  But then, I thought: it was not your ambition to prepare a visually stunning, or even pleasing, dish for lunch.  This was not meant to be served to a guest.  This was not meant to be fancy.

So here's my food shot for the day.  Whole Paycheck's house roast beef and a scrumptious homemade guac (ripe organic avocado, 2 cloves pressed garlic, squeeze of lime, salt and pepper).  It was really satisfying.

(I don't miss bread.  And I am beginning not to miss the brown rice wraps.  It's a combination of getting used to eating things like roast beef wrapped around guacamole and thinking of it as "normal" and an increasingly heightened awareness of the negative effects of grains on the body/brain.)

I'm tired, but pushing myself to do the minimum, air conditioners cooling every room except the bathroom.  I cleaned the bathroom, cleaned much of the kitchen, went to Silke and Roger's to receive my rat feeding tutorial from Lukas, fixed the kids breakfast and lunch, and firmed up plans for a date day in Manhattan tomorrow (Beasts of the Southern Wild and an early dinner at Rosa Mexicano with my mom who celebrates a birthday next week).

I'm excited to spend a big chunk of time with Cap.  I had an epiphany yesterday (via an email from the TCM Center which had a bit of advice in it from Master Lu...while I was sitting in Vinny's waiting room...very meta) and am curious about what will unfold from it.  This is probably going to sound so simple it will seem crazy.  I am delighted in anticipation of change that I hope will come.

I want to spend more time with Cap.  I need to spend more time with him, to be happier...and more whole.  I married the guy so we could spend the rest of our lives together.  

Adjusting to less time with each other, as well as, expanding our attention to include the kids, has been a journey.  Necessary and what we signed up for.  In the last few years, I think I have been suppressing my need for more time with and attention from Cap for two reasons (which were somewhat intertwined): he felt a lot of pressure to receive tenure and then a promotion (and generally be the family provider) and I didn't want to be needy/unreasonable.

These days the timing is better.  I have more mind space and clarity and am beginning to be able to pluck into the murky sub levels of consciousness to retrieve feelings and see them for what they really are.  He has officially gotten his promotion (though the pay bump is not-yet-concrete since faculty have been working without a contract for over a year while the State struggles with budgetary issues) and is enjoying a somewhat more relaxed stance with his working summer now fully underway.

We are still decluttering, we still need to talk shop about homeschooling, and now, I've thrown this concept into the ring: more time together on a regular basis.  For now, I am really looking forward to tomorrow.  A movie with my sweetie...just like the old days.  (The restaurant has a gluten-free menu, too!)

Peace and love.

Whole30 food : : 14

I wondered if the day would come, and it has.  Sag now likes avocado.  Especially guacamole.  

I was eager to have him try some of my homemade.  Both avocados had been, sadly, a bit roughed up.  I scooped out what I could around the bruises.  (The final product is definitely less vibrantly green for the bruising.)  I used my beloved garlic press and crushed in two small cloves of garlic.  I added a squeeze of lime.  I sprinkled on some salt and a grind or two of pepper.  Lastly, I tossed in a dash of coconut aminos.

My stomach started to hurt while I was finishing.  I decided to eat anyway and had some roast beef, guacamole, lettuce wraps.

I am in some sort of dip.  It feels like a hormonal/chemical imbalance.  Which I know will right itself soon.  I didn't have anything "ready" to eat this morning and have been in sort of a food rut because I haven't been cooking (the kitchen is still not done and 50% of our food prep surfaces are piled high with junk to "process").  I thought a piece of toast with butter would be quick and nice.  I wasn't craving it, per se, but the mental wishing felt grounded in reality in a way that was...surprising.  Was it a hormonal/chemical effect?

The stomach thing feels familiar.  When I am not eating sugar, during certain hormonal times it seems to make my stomach sour and hurt.  I noticed I ate more fruit than usual yesterday...was I  feeding something chemical?  In TCM, there is a correlation/special relationship between sweets and the stomach system.  On the one hand, the lack of sugar input could be highlighting a deeper imbalance.  Practicing Qigong would help, but I feel so depleted I can't even get started.  On the other hand, the lack of sugar could be unnecessarily hard on my system because my body simply needs some sugar to function optimally and happily.

Today I feel like I could just stop the Whole30 experiment and start a new experiment of actively pursuing moderation.  But, the voice telling me that would be copping out is strong.  So, for now, I'm putting blinders on and knuckling down.  Tomorrow I am halfway to 30 days.

I knew starting at the beginning of my cycle, which was a coincidence, would make it easier to get going.  The second half of my cycle is the hormonal whack-a-mole.  As much of a drag as it can be, it makes sense: once the egg drops, it's instinctual, all the body wants is for that egg to be fertilized so it can create and support new life.  If that doesn't happen, the hard wiring has to disengage itself, a delicate proposition which often seems to process a bit rough.

TMI alert: do not read the next paragraph if you don't want to know about my poop.

Something I noticed when I started Whole30 was that, almost immediately, my system became constipated.  Not badly, but noticeably.  Vinny picked up on it right away and gave me herbs to help in that department.  These herbs (called...wait for it...Master Cleanse) had worked powerfully for me a couple of months ago when I took them in preparation for the change of seasons.  (So much so that I reduced my dosage quickly.)  This time?  Nothing.  For almost a week.

Ah, I think that might be coming to play right about now.  The storm before the calm.

What's going on

• first indication of inflammation going down: gums stopped bleeding on day 3 (while flossing)

• no weighing of self allowed on the Whole30...liberating, yet annoying

• mood definitely grumpy...with tinges yesterday of self-loathing

• headache dominated on day 2 but non-issue since then

• stiff ache-y neck and head on left side day 4

• trouble falling asleep day 4, up early day 5 (most "awake" upon waking so far)

• "crashy" periods of fatigue in afternoon days 3 and 4

This is boring.  Apologies.  Maybe this info will come in handy for me someday.

Something slightly more interesting: yesterday I thought: yes, yes, moderation is key.  After four days I could feel/see some positive difference amidst the aches and fatigue and grouchiness.  My clothes were certainly fitting differently yesterday.

(I don't like being overweight, but it's never bothered me that much.  Except for the time period between ages 12 and 18 when I felt bad about my body shape/weight and I wasn't overweight at all.  Fucked up.  Yes.)

There is a part of me that gets intensely curious about the quantified "mass" that drops off when I lose weight.  And about how certain people always remark on how "great" I look when I am in the lean side of the pendulum swing.

What I do know, at this point, is that how my clothes fit and how puffy or chubby I look (and when I can weigh myself, how much I weigh) are easily notable markers on how I am doing inflammation-wise, inside.  And my goal is to reduce that systemic inflammation, as much as possible.

I am feeling, again, how remarkable this Paleo thing is.  Because it's only been a few days and I can already see a difference.  At times yesterday, I was ready to bag the Whole30 thinking if moderation was the answer then why keep on with the extremism?

(Yet another inner voice rising with alarm: you know why, because "moderation" doesn't work for you!)

But, I'm curious.  There is a supposed "reset" of the system that happens if you stick to this (no grains, no sugar, no dairy, no legumes, no white potatoes, no vegetable/seed oils*) for 30 days.  What exactly will that reset feel like?  How will it translate for me?  Will it help to excavate deeper into what holds me back from optimum being and living?

More than curiosity, I realize now, it is hope that drives me.

Finally, a mouse update.  A very nice guy from the pest control company came mid-week and put down a number of poison bait things.  His demeanor and words went a long way towards assuaging my guilty feelings that my bad housekeeping brought the rain of mice turds down on our home.  He said usually within 2-3 weeks of this treatment mouse activity ceases.

When I opened the door of the bedroom this morning to step into the vestibule on the way to the bathroom, I saw one of the peppermint cotton balls dead center in front of me rather than tucked under the heating baseboard.  In a pretty direct line, I saw into the bathroom that the three cotton balls that had been stuffed into an opening of the wall were scattered about on the bathroom mat in front of the toilet.

It had been over a week since I saw any sign of activity and my heart sank.

I feel bad, but I hope the mouse found some of the poison bait last night (though there are no bait things placed in this immediate area...doh!)  I didn't see any poops so I'm wondering if it was a drive-by with no lingering.  Maybe they were going for the bait things in the nearby kitchen.

All I know now is that I am worn thin and have more sympathy for my nerves than the mouse/mice.

Between Barbra being here and then going Whole30, I haven't been decluttering for over a week.  Cap and I are hoping to tackle the kitchen this weekend.

Oh my goodness, speaking of Cap, he has had a week of serving on a jury that has gotten increasingly taxing by the day.  Send him some cheery energy if you can.

Off to Qigong and then the farmer's market!

Peace.

ETA:

*olive oil is okay and I use that, ghee and coconut oil in addition to rendered fat from meats to sauté/cook stuff.

365 : : 2

I think hope today is going to be the toughest day.  I am so tired, in every way, Photobooth to the rescue.  (I chuckled at my naïvely energetic self of yesterday glancing at the posts...reading, food, photography, Whole30!)

I slept about nine hours last night.  (Cannot remember the last time I slept that much.)  

Not having something to watch on tv was a huge mental burden lifted.  I didn't realize how much cache food and tv have on my mental space/energy.  As in, "tonight I will watch/eat ____", "in a few hours I will watch/eat ____", "in a few minutes I will watch/eat ____", "now I will watch/eat ____".  The core starts with something I enjoy/have enjoyed in the past, but then it spins itself into something much larger and less real...quite powerful and disconnected.

I started getting tired in the late afternoon.  I decided not to caffeinate myself because I wanted to be able to sleep unencumbered.  I enjoyed some dried apricots after dinner (my "sugar" fix) and talked myself down from eating the whole package.

Slept well.

This morning, I am moving very slowly.  I don't feel as bad as I did the first time I removed grains and sugar (was I doing dairy at the time?  cannot recall.)  I have a bit of a headache.  I feel very leaden.  The bags under my eyes...oy.

I took a bunch of shots and I look dead in some of them.  I liked this one because I can see the black under my eyes, but I can also see a spark of life in them.

Pest control will be here soon to talk mice (Cap has been doing some big cleaning in the kitchen moving the stove and fridge to get into normally dark tight spaces...no evidence of mice activity, which is a relief).  After that, I am clearing the day.

Peace.

Quiet

When I was with Barbra in Barcelona I had a "day 2" of my period and missed Girona.  My "day 2"s are defined by an undeniable need to rest and be quiet.  Today I will miss Hoboken.

Soothing myself with local cherries (the season is so very very brief) and a hot latte.

Peace and love.