Solstice sigh

Popping in to wish everyone a Winter Solstice full of light and wonder.  In the midst of the chaotic energy of the season, moments like the above have been restorative and nourishing.

Peace and joy.

Someone knit me something!

Our NYC family came over yesterday for a belated birthday and early Christmas celebration.  Us adult siblings no longer exchange gifts, so I was surprised when my sister produced a present for me.  I love it!  A neck cozy that warms me perfectly, in my favorite yarn: Noro.

Peace and love.

Walking the walk

This morning, son #2 was having a hard time.  He was hit with the quick bug I had and is feeling occasionally overwhelmed in its aftermath.  (Son #1 is feeling under the weather today.)

Fortunately, I had resumed meditating and practicing Qigong (the routine was thrown by my getting sick), and my calmer and clearer mind was able to feel compassion and assist in problem solving.

We did some talk processing, but the clincher was making a list.

Once he was squared away, I tripped over some of my own feelings of overwhelm.  Then, I made a list.

Things to be completed by Sag's family birthday party/Christmas gathering on Sunday:

• knit a hat, weave in ends of two hats, wrap two hats

• make candied pecans

• put a dent in the holiday cards (at the very least, the three for family members gathering)

• deep clean kitchen (it. is. so. nasty.)

• deep clean the bathroom

• dust all rooms

• vacuum all rooms

• pick up and wrap nephew dog's gift

• clean and organize my "desk" (still so much loose paper!)

• bake Christmas cookies: these and these

• put up tree and decorations

• prep party food: appies (hopefully the farmer's market will persevere pre-snowstorm), deviled eggs, steamed carrots, onigiri, cream cheese frosting.  (Cap is baking the cake, my mom is bringing meatballs, and we're bringing in a couple of pizzas.)

Breathe in, breathe out.  And smile.  And feel grateful.  My mantras.

train crossing at night.

found tucked in library book.

candied pecans o'clock.

curly Su?

I hope it's a happy Friday for you.

Peace and love.

Small moments

Taking in the nourishment of small moments:

• the spontaneous and emotional hugs and kisses from my children.

• discovering at check-out that every single item I bought was on sale ($12 and change for three skeins of chunky yarn and a big roll of wrapping paper...holiday shopping that jingles my bells).

• local florists who deliver meadow flowers in Ball mason jars.  (my friend is heading home today *big smile*.)

• cold salami sandwiches with mayo and mustard on Udi's bread.

• Les Revenants/The Returned.

• realizing that my immune system is one tough and fiery broad.

• Earl Grey tea with honey and milk.

• munchkins and moon rocks (with my little man, Leo).

• the joy of The Killers and a great cover.

Peace and love.

Tuesday 10

• combining my interests in Finland, aging and nature, this photo series rocks my world.

• I've been on a documentary kick and have loved this, this and this.

• Hyperbole and a Half has so entranced Sag he rued not bringing his gift cards to the bookstore yesterday when he spotted it on the shelves.  oh, and the shop was having "Cider Monday" with a warm cider station and mulling spices greeting you as you walked in!

• speaking of which, this article helped clarify my issues, critically, with the frenzy of consumerism associated with this time of year.  the underbelly of the beast is incredibly ugly, the beast a force of destruction.  I have taken a step back and am considering my purchases (and how I purchase) even more carefully.

• speaking of which, I do rely on an online vendor for our holiday photo cards.  I grew up with my mug smiling out of a Kodak photo card, every Christmas, literally since I was born.  Kodak is no more and we rode the tide over to Shutterfly (who took over Kodak customers) a couple of years ago.  long story short, this year's card arrived (all 150) and the text of the message was difficult to read.  I gave them a call, the rep took a look on her screen, agreed immediately and issued us credit for 150 more cards and their most express level of shipping!  excellent, excellent customer service.  (because I am a flibbertigibbet I realized as soon as I clicked "order", when reordering, that the edited cards look Halloween-y because I went with the thickest font in black (overcompensation for the original delicate font in white) on an orange background.)

• the Hubble Space Telescope Advent Calendar!

• some really lovely illustrated children's books and picture books.  I used to collect them in my life before kids...some of these are quite enticing.

• I follow National Geographic photos on Instagram and Facebook.  if you are not on social media, check out their "Photo of the Day" on the website...you won't regret it.  their photos are stunning.

• "because when I am tired and frazzled, what I'm missing most is my own attention."  read that line recently and it hit a chord.  the author was Jennifer Louden and I now have two of her books (one borrowed from a friend, one from the library) waiting to be perused.

• I kind of can't get enough of this shot I took from the car and processed in Instagram.  it's a Plympton cranberry bog in late afternoon Thanksgiving Day light.

Peace and love.

Autumn into advent

Autumn is my favorite season.  One of the things I love this time of year, in this part of the world, is what is uncovered when the leaves fall from the trees (or vines, as the second photo shows).  It feels like Mother Earth presenting opened gifts to me, to us, over and over again.

I was surprised this morning to see that there was a nest in the wisteria out back.  And then, as swiftly, I wasn't surprised as I recalled the bursts of bird song and ruckus, very frequent, amongst the vines and purple blooms during the spring.  Puzzle piece falls into place.  This neighbor cat was drawn by what I imagine were faint yet irresistible scents still wafting from the old nest.

My holiday weekend came to a lovely close with an unexpectedly, luxuriously, long tea with a friend.  Somehow, I unearthed a treasure of a menu item at my favorite café in town.  How did I not know this existed?  It was called "Cream Tea" and included a medium pot of black tea with a scone, butter and jam.  Incredibly complete and comforting.

I hope your days or evenings, as we enter this darkest time of year here in the northern hemisphere, are bringing to light some moments of discovery and delight.

Peace and love.

Pumpkin pie

I baked a pumpkin pie for our (day after) Thanksgiving dinner and it was my favorite thing I made.  I loved the simple elegance of the recipe...and the resulting pie was delish.  Sag liked it (particularly the crust), Gem tried it (a testament to how visually attractive it was because he does not like pie), and somehow, Cap hasn't tried it yet.

Sag stuck a Milky Way mini into his slice.  What a great idea.  (The chocolates were part of his birthday gift from godmother Jamie.)

Peace and love.

Quickie

Stopping in just to say all is well. I had a significant breakthrough in my thinking and self-awareness for which I am grateful and relieved.

Sag's birthday signals the start of a crazy busy season for our family and it has most certainly begun.

Today I was so grateful for technology which allowed me to photograph (involved downloading a free camera timer app to my phone), design and order our holiday cards, all within an hour.

Here's a funny "awkward family photo" from our living room couch session:

Peace and love.

Paring down to simple

I was pleased that we made it through the week without dipping into our savings account.  Yesterday, mostly because we had barely anything typically breakfast-y left in the fridge and pantry and partly because "daddy got paid", the kids and I went out for breakfast.  (Cap opted to catch a few more winks.)  I had some coffee with cream and a quintessential Garden State breakfast sammie: Taylor ham, scrambled egg, jack cheese on a buttermilk biscuit.  'Twas yummy.

The kids and I chewed on thoughts and ideas, as well as, food.  Sag shared some memories of preschool.  Gem recounted something he read recently about how children have friends of both genders till about age 3 and how after that, we humans tend to make friends of the same gender.  I did a mini-lesson on economics, comparing different activities/things we buy/do that cost the equivalent of what our breakfast tab was.

The depressive state of earlier in the week has given way to something hard to describe...I'll call it muddle-brained...with emotional spikes.  All chemical, all the current soup of perimenopause + the season.  All ephemeral...if not in the actual how it feels, certainly in its inevitable passing on.  I saw Vinny (after a brief break during which he traveled to the Grand Canyon for the first time) and that always helps.  He gave me some new herbs to hone in a tiny cough that has developed inside me.  I also picked up some vitamin D + fish oil and evening primrose + flaxseed oil.  Vitamin D and evening primrose are mood supporters.

It's hard not to think about the level of dismantling I am doing to my days as a devolution.  As regressive, as backwards.  The reality is that reality is very much shaped by perception.  Think about this linearly and I get one thing, think about it non-linearly and I get another.  Honestly, I am not thinking about it that much, at all.  (Which I actually think is a positive.)

I have noticed I am happier out of the apartment, possibly because the apartment is physically harder to be in than usual (the dust factor, which is fairly high already has been exponentialized by my system reacting to the seasonal mold outdoors, ironically).

On my mind:

• what will I read next?

• $10 lunch special with my sweetie

• The Oranges (which we watched last night and I have mixed feelings about)

• if you can believe it, knitting

• Qigong, walking, the Y, tap...I am at the nexus of "barely"

• the seeming black hole of budgeting/financial competence

• becoming more one with the Dragon as we head into the final two weeks of class

Peace and love and keeping it real and simple.

Keen

 

I worship sunlight during Fall.

  

I attune to Mother Earth as she avails herself of her veils profoundly, beautifully.

I feel the flight of light acutely and my heart breaks. 

I crane my soul to locate the embers and stoke the fire back to life.

Peace and love.

Heel getting all up in my grill

As most of you know, I am not good with money.  It is, my Achilles' heel.  I have worked to raise my awareness of this critical weakness of mine over the last five years and though progress is being made incrementally, it has also been inexorably slow going.

In August, we took a family vacation to California and I made the mistake of not constructing a vacation budget.  I kind of kept my eye on our spending and we spent roughly 50% above what my vague ceiling was.  Not good.  Some would say stupid.  Irresponsible, really, when you consider the fact that we are a single income family with two kids living paycheck-to-paycheck.

September was a blur.  On top of the usual seasonal surge of expenses (signing up for classes/activities, sorting through, discarding and purchasing cooler weather clothes for the kids, back-to-school expenses for Cap), a virus put three of us down for the count.

By the time I came up for air in October, I knew we were in a spot of trouble.  I very clearly realized that we were spending more than "we" were earning.  Our "cushion" (which normally expands and contracts throughout the year because Cap's consulting earnings, which typically go straight into the savings account, are irregular) was not bouncing back to normal levels after the vacation expense debacle.

So, it's back to the drawing board.

• an immediate moratorium on buying books.  (my intention is set for at least one year.)  (most of you know this will not be a hardship for me.  I own dozens of books I have not yet read and access to an incredible consortium of libraries.)

• we are attempting a zero sum budget until the next pay check (Friday).  barring extraordinary circumstance(s) we are aiming to get through the week without dipping into our savings.  meals are planned, a skeleton crew of groceries has been bought, time to hunker down yet stay loose (for creativity and positivity).

• time to track our spending again.  for the month of November I am itemizing all spending, and going deeper than I have in the past.  I am noting the cost of individual items on the grocery bill, for instance.  this will help me to shop a little smarter: I can develop a cheat sheet at some point of staples to facilitate comparison shopping.

[tangent 1: I am grateful to see my process in play here, clearly.  by tackling this lifelong Achilles' heel in steps, concretely, as well as in a spiral progression, what once felt sickeningly overwhelming now feels much more manageable.  I can acknowledge that some people will read this post and wonder how/why it has taken me so long to get to where I am...and I am okay with that rather than stressed about it.  progress on both the emotional and mental fronts rocks!]

[tangent 2: I've recently gleaned two organizational tips from cookbooks which I plan to implement.  one involves making a kitchen inventory sheet for tracking shopping needs/spending.  the other, which builds on the first, is a shopping list sheet which is organized by mapping the grocery store(s) you shop in, creating a most efficient "flow" for shopping/spending.]

• creating a budget for the next few months will be interesting because...  November has Sag's birthday (gift and party) and Thanksgiving (special occasion dinner and travel).  December has our anniversary (gifts) and Christmas (holiday cards/postage, gifts and travel).  January has Cap's birthday (gift), my birthday (gift) and a family trip to Peru (travel).  we are heading into the most overwhelmingly spendy time of year for the manatee household!

Call me crazy, but I am kind of enjoying this.  For some reason, I feel not only up to the task of figuring some shit out, but I am looking forward to it.

Stay tuned.

Day of the dead

I do not celebrate Day of the Dead.  But, I woke up feeling half dead.  Actually, I went to bed last night feeling half dead already.  I decided not to set my alarm, to let myself sleep in.  And I did.

And what the frak, weather?  We have a low pressure system hovering and Gem and I have been feeling the doom and gloom of it.  The windows are open for the high of 70º.  On November 1.

They say holidays can trigger anxiety/depression because of unresolved emotional issues which have gone psychologically awry.  I guess maybe Halloween is one such trigger, for me.  I certainly have had mixed emotions about it as an adult and parent.

We have missed two Halloweens in a row due to severe storms...then this year, the kids' longtime trick-or-treating partner decided he was no longer interested in going.  The kids decided not to go trick-or-treating, but late yesterday afternoon we received a query about going, from another good friend, and they changed their minds.  Sag dressed as a hobbit (what Gem went as last year very belatedly once the town deemed it safe post-Sandy) and Gem dressed as a birdwatcher.

They had a good time, overall, but received a couple of negative comments about being "too old" and, I kid you not, "pathetic".  (Apparently the person who called them pathetic was "joking" and Gem did not take it personally...but, Sag, who has a very tender heart and, at 11, is still very much a kid, found these attitudes/words hurtful and confusing.)  No one refused them candy, though, and once they returned home, they ate sweets and snuggled in bed with America's Funniest Home Videos, and had a grand time.

I, was pissed.  And though I try to keep my Facebook complaint-free, I brought my feelings to my tribe over there and the ensuing conversation, which drew friends from many areas of my life, helped me see the bigger picture and showered me with warm words of support.

Parenting kids through seasonal events, like most things, is a mixed bag.  There are the many positives which come from sharing and co-creating a history over years...but nothing stays the same and change can bring with it new and unexpected challenges.

When I was their age, trick-or-treating became less fun because of the neighborhood hooligans who ran about chucking eggs at innocent bystanders and rumors of Nair flinging.  I had quite a primal reaction to the kids' first brush with (Halloween related) "loss of innocence" when my own memories and stored emotions came flooding back (were these unresolved feelings?  I don't know.)

Sleep, weather fronts moving on, and big mugs of Irish Breakfast tea with honey and cream all help.  And I am feeling much better now.

My most pressing concern of the moment is tackling our money situation.  I am feeling quite compelled to "zero sum" the next week.  We have less than what we typically spend for a week's groceries left in the account.  Can we get to next Friday without dipping into savings?

Stay tuned.

Peace and love.

Craft and bake sale

Incredibly aromatic (soothing and energizing) bath salts.

Incredibly delicious Paleo carrot soup.  I was hesitant because I am not a fan of carrots, but this soup was out-of-this-world good.

Incredibly beautiful paper-crafting artform which dates back to the Renaissance.

Incredibly cool blow torched lemon brûlée cookies.

Incredibly beloved semi-annual event which was born from the mind and heart of a dear friend (performing original songs here) when she was seven.

It was another wonderful day nestled amongst loving old trees, hanging out with friends, connecting with our community.

Peace.

P.S.  The wares featured above were all conceived and executed in large and larger parts by our amazing kids.

Catching up: the natural world

These four shots are from around the house.  I appreciate all the seasons, but Autumn is my favorite.  I find the drowsing of the Earth quite beautiful.  The way the colors fade, how what is underneath, the bones of our matter, are exposed...  How simultaneously new underneaths are created and precious parts are given shelter.  How surges of life can give us delirious hope amidst the chaos of entropy.

These three shots are from a walk the kids and I took in a local park.  It was early morning but the light felt like late afternoon.  The slant of the world discombobulates.

These two were taken around the library.  Glancing fascinators.

Peace and love.

Catching up: the food

sausage-sweet potato frittata.

pumpkin cake with cream cheese frosting.

Thai nut relish.

Hosted a wee potluck brunch last weekend and served these dishes.  All the recipes are terrific.  A variety of flavors and textures, all satisfying.  The Thai nut relish was a revelation (unsweetened shredded coconut as a base?  genius).  Oh, I also reduced the powdered sugar in the frosting significantly and the texture of the frosting was unchanged.  Win!

pumpkin muffins with raisins and choco chips.

These muffins were fabulous.  Moist and tasty.  If eaten on the first day, also nicely crusty.  Delicious with a schmear of cream cheese or butter, too.  I used coconut crystals and reduced the sugar.

Kyoto cherry rose green tea.

A recent discovery at Terra.  I had it iced on one of the last warm and humid days of the exponential Indian summers we had this year.  I have been enjoying it hot with a spoonful of local honey since turning the heat on last week.

roasted sweet potatoes.

Another gem of a recipe from Martha Stewart's site.  I did not have Old Bay seasoning so subbed with poultry seasoning that I need to get through speedily because of its recent "expiration" date.  This was simple to put together and highlighted the natural goodness of sweet spuds, well (flavor/texture/color).

cornbread stuffing with ground turkey, pecans and raisins.

Making this stuffing was a valuable first step in tinkering my way towards the scrumptiously sublime stuffing of my dreams.  It was much better than the horror of last year's stuffing.

• loved the pecans and raisins.

• if I make cornbread stuffing again, will decrease or eliminate the sugar in the cornbread.

• ground turkey, while nice for the non-red meat eating member of our family, didn't quite cut it, flavor-wise.

• the chicken broth (store bought...Imagine or Pacific Foods) was too one note...bordering on cloying.

• I forgot to plan for making gravy...gravy likely would have helped this stuffing go down easier.

• I gave most of this stuffing away to gluten-free friends and they loved it.

I have the ingredients for my next effort lined up and ready to go.

shakshouka.

Lovely, lovely breakfast food.  Teaches me patience every time while I wait for the eggs to cook just so.

cabbage head.

1. Wish I had a cleaver.

2. Confession: a cabbage bigger than one's head brings with it a tide of CSA fatigue.

beef-pork meatballs.

Delectable.  I don't think I will ever make beef-only meatballs ever again.  The pork added a fantastic je ne sais quoi to these nuggets of yummy.  I adapted the recipe quite a bit, but found it to provide a solid base.

sweet relish.

Sag and I love sweet relish.  But, of course, sweet relish contains loads of sugar.  It occurred to me this week that I could make sweet relish at home controlling for sugar.  After some Googling, I decided to pick up a jar of Bubbies (the store didn't have the relish so I bought the pickles).  I chopped up half the pickles, added some of the pickle juice and stirred in 2 Tbs local honey.  This relish nearly filled a repurposed salsa jar.

spaghetti carbonara.

I don't remember how I came to start reading Kate Christensen's blog.  I have not read her fiction, but she is a writer who likes food.  I like writerly things/people.  I like food.  She is from Boston and I like Boston.  So, somehow, I found her blog and I like to read it.  She posted a Carbonara recipe last week that entranced me.  I had never made Carbonara at home.  It is a dish that I have adored the occasional times I have had it.  I did not grow up eating it.  It always struck me as an otherworldly combination of crazily indulgent ingredients.

So, I was genuinely struck by the simple and straightforward recipe.  Pasta+bacon+garlic+olive oil+eggs+Parmesan cheese+black pepper.  Really?  Not only could I do that, but I realized that the relatively short list of ingredients was a signal for alchemical magic ahead.

Yum, yum, yum.  This was utterly comforting, nostalgic and perfect.  As I ate, this song came on and folded in a whole other layer of memory.

(I am a believer in every moment being perfection in it of itself...but it's not always easy to read the moment as so.  Eating this for dinner last night, many, many things came together and I became one with perfect.)

Peace and love and happy taste buds.