It's friday

Windows are open for the first time in forever and it feels so good.

And potato salad is more delicious the second day.

yukon golds, avocado oil mayo, rice vinegar, salt/pepper, scallion, summer savory.

The fruit salad yesterday was pretty to look at, but, frankly, only serviceable in flavor.  I'm getting spoiled by super fresh local produce!

The green salad rocked and I made my best vinaigrette yet using: local blueberry patch honey, Dijon mustard, garlic powder, salt/pepper, ume (plum) vinegar and Spanish olive oil.

a mix of lettuces, cuke, cherry toms, orange bell pepper, toasted pecans, summer savory.

Cap chose the summer savory as our herb this week and using it has been a delight.  I was previously unfamiliar with this ingredient and really like it.  It even gifted me a tiny blossom.

I don't know if it's post-growth spurt plateauing or summer heat shut-in slow down, but the kids have been skipping lunch, fortified with snacks or nothing at all mid-day.  On my better days I am a happy snack cart wending my way through Minecraft-land.

I am super behind on paper work.  Realized this morning that two books I have out of the library were a week overdue...best make sure there are no bills overdue!

But all I want to do is read my next book!

Peace and love.

The week

We've been taking walks and it got hot.

Cooking up carrot-tofu scramble for Gem.

Our meat guy at the farmer's market has had Brussels sprouts for the last few weeks.  Not organic, but so fresh and lovely.

Love noticing the plates we are still using from my childhood.  I remember these plates coming out of the Mikasa box and being so thrilled.  (The steak, a rare boneless rib-eye, was delish.)

Fantastic book.  Loved it.  Gonna buy it.  (This was a library read.)  I'm a wannabe physics geek, but do believe this would appeal to folks from various walks of life.

My body/energy/hormones have been nutty.  Think slog.  Vinny put three of these little pressure things on my right ear to help me this week.

The heat in the atmosphere, the heat gathering in my body, particularly rising to my head...all roads lead to iced coffee!

Lists have been helpful this week to pull my sh*t together.  The universe's gift to ADDishness.

The change in weather has also meant: pesto.

Moments like this serve as a reminder: I am so, so lucky.  And grateful.  This time with my kids...I am so blessed.

Special treat: Grace went to Hawaii and brought back chocolate to sell in the store.  She knows freaks like me will plunk down $10 for a unique bar.

It was worth it.  Fruity and floral, flavorful and bouncy.  Once in a lifetime bar.

This book is a revelation.  Quietly disquieting.  It's making me gawk and making me laugh.  It's breaking my heart.

He has had these Spider-Man pajamas since he was around five.  He loves them and still squeezes into them.

The weather is in transition.  Cold and wet today.

Heard this lovely Roberta Flack cover of a Bee Gees song on The Americans this week.  It was an emotional scene and the song heightened the gorgeousness of the visuals wonderfully.

Peace and love.

Purple goodness

I do love purple.  My SIL gave me some squishy and sparkly purple yarn for my birthday.

I spent much of the weekend knitting the blanket.  (Not purple.)  And while it was satisfying, this kind of longterm knitting does take on a sloggy feel to it, for me.  You can't quite completely take the ADDish need for instant gratification out of this girl, as it turns out.

So, late last night, I cast on the purple for a scarf.  And this evening, I wove in the ends.  That super bulky yarn will knit up right quick for you, hear?

I love the sparklies.  For real.  But, I don't love the feel of the 51% acrylic.  Especially when it's paired with mohair which I am coming to realize is not a favored fiber of mine.  No worries.  I can easily wear this not directly on my skin.

I am looking to steam block it.  (Kelly, do you have a steam iron I can borrow?)  Blocking, like swatching, is an aspect of knitting I have yet to embrace very fully. But, these leaves curl slightly and blocking would likely help flatten them, making them more visually prominent.  If the yarn was wool, it'd be a no brainer to block.  But, word is that acrylic is blockable if done carefully (ie. don't stick the iron on those plastic filaments!)

Purple goodness.  Love it.

Warmth time light mood

Someone posted this on Facebook today and, man, I would love something like this...  We would all sleep so much better.

This morning I arrived early to the library.  Silke's birthday macarons were in my hands and the winter light crossed wires with the balmy Springish air.

We had a lovely chat, long overdue.  Birthday gifts were exchanged.  Warm bevvies were consumed.

After we parted ways, it was a string of busy-ness for me.  One thing after another after another.  I sipped a mango kombucha along the way.

I think my Turkish entree the other night probably had white flour in it.  I've been reacting, but not like a couple of weeks ago when I had the intense stomach pain.  I also had sugar that night, I tried Turkish coffee, which turned out to be presweetened.

The skin on my legs (between my ankels up to mid-calf) has been unbearably itchy at times, I have woken up overheated from deep slumber the past two nights, I have bright pink patches of skin on my cheeks and on my palms.  These issues used to be very prevalent and all but the itchy skin on the legs had completely ceased since going sugar- and grain-free.  The itchy skin had decreased dramatically, but still popped up every now and again.

My period is late, which I think is unrelated to the gluten ingestion.  But, it could totally be yet another manifestation of the general stagnation which seems to be the flavor of the month.

Anyway, my mental/ADDish stuff seems to be clearing up some.  This afternoon I unexpectedly had about an hour to myself and I made a bunch of phone calls that needed to be made (earlier in the day I had made a "to do" list to organize myself).

The second episode of this season's Downton Abbey finally recorded.  I restrained myself to watching just the one last night.  Off to watch the third episode (which recorded about a week ago).  The new episode, episode five, airs on Friday, I think.

Peace and love.

Edge

Can you see a glimmer of crazy in my eyes?  

Restless.  Pent up.  Keep moving.  Blinders.  Oh, my brain, my chemicals, my nervous system.  Jumpy, jumble, jelly.

Is this a result of cutting out honey and maple syrup?  Is it my body adjusting?  Is this my body's way of saying keep the honey and maple syrup?  Or is this the last bit of residual grain from the end of 2011 processing through?

What the hey.

Maybe he's caught in the legend,
Maybe he's caught in the mood,
Maybe these maps and legends,
Have been misunderstood.
R.E.M.

Food shopping is done, lunch with Donna was a lifesaver, heading to Vinny's soon and then date night with Cap.

And coconut juice.

And old school R.E.M.

That's a wrap!

 holiday cards are done!

After a fitful night of sleep (final caffeinated cuppa came too late in the night, even for me; restless sleep of sick child right next to me), I woke up and started holiday carding.

I feel like I'm beginning to sound like a broken record...but things were so much better this year with this seasonal task.  (Last year, in a fit of I-can't-deal-with-this, I decided not to send out a holiday card for the first time since we started sending them.)

I naturally and unconsciously dealt with the process in small, broken down steps.

A few weeks ago I began inputting the names and addresses of recipients into a document in the computer.  Something I've thought of doing before, many times, but something that never got to the "do"-ing.

Also a few weeks ago, I created a folder in my iPhoto for photos that were contenders for gracing the card.  I began searching for pics and putting them in the folder.

Then, I went onto the Kodak site and searched through the different templates to get a feel for what we wanted.  This card was created by consensus, amongst the four of us.

The master list of addressees took awhile.  My brain experiences data entry as extremely tedious (unlike Lego sorting, which it loves).  I kept at it every few days and after about two weeks, I was done.  I then had Cap add anyone I missed.  Then, we had the grand total.  (Over 100.)

One day I had to go to the post office so I bought a bunch of this year's delightful 'holiday baubles' stamps while I was there.

The list was done, the stamps were bought, now to create a card.  That we could all agree on.  Which did not happen quickly.

Our foliage photo op weekend up at my sister's cabin in the woods was transformed by a snow storm in October.  Our Xmas tree photo op at my sister's apartment the night before Thanksgiving was thwarted by posing overkill (we shot a bunch of pics for my parents' holiday card first).

It was finally mid-December and I gave an ultimatum.  If the card wasn't done and ordered by the 16th (the next day), I was going to let it go.  Personally, I wanted the cards out in the celebratory ether before Christmas, if they were going to happen at all.

The four of us huddled around the computer screen.  We took some Photobooth shots, we scrolled through photos, we matched pics with card templates.  And it was done.

The silver lining to the process taking as long as it did?  The discount at Kodak was deeper!  I ordered the cards online and Cap picked them up the next day at our local Target.  I was so stoked that I decided to write a "highlights" note to insert into the cards.

Cap's face looks ham-pink, unfortunately.  But, otherwise, it's a nice photo of us.  He selected the template, which I almost nixed.  I'm glad I didn't because it looks much nicer than it did on a screen.

The cards ended up sitting on the table for a few days because we had company over the weekend.  This was followed by the urge to finish shopping solo while Cap worked with the kids on Monday and Tuesday.  By this morning, I knew it was now or never.

So, I plowed through nearly half the cards before I headed out for some more shopping.  I went back to the post office for international stamps and handed over my stamped pile.  I made my shopping stops.  I came home, refortified with lunch and then plowed through the rest of the cards.

I did not expect to finish them in a day.  I am convinced that my increased organization with the process and my improved attitude/demeanor during the process helped.  I love that the four of us truly worked together to create the card.

This is striking me as...funny and inane that I have devoted a whole post to holiday cards.

But, the feeling of "that's a wrap!" was so good...it's what drove me to share.  For folks with ADDishness, it is uncommon to finish what one starts.  This feeling of satisfaction is a rare commodity for some.  The more I experience events in a more attentionally typical way, the more I realize, with true wonder, how differently I've been living from most other people for a long while now.

Peace and love.

Whirly whirl

On Tuesday, I was here:

Gem and his new Warriors book in an exam room.

He does not have mono, appears to be at the tail end of a virus, and we've been told to watch the low grade fever and resume normal activity.  He is feeling better and better, temp hovering up to 99º still on most days.  (He lost 4lbs. in two weeks...focusing on fattening him back up!)

I was also here:

We never made it to the pizzeria, but his Tour de Favorite Foods is over.  In the end, the grand finale won out.  He really effin' loves the cheeseburgers at Five Guys.  Later on this day, Sag popped a fever high enough to give us pause.

Late Tuesday night, we decided Sag and Cap would not be going to Massachusetts (we had already decided Gem and I were staying home).

Yesterday was mental insanity for me most of the day.  

I was in multiple conversations with Massachusetts family about our change of plans...and managed to forget to call key people.

I was in multiple conversation with the mechanic about our car and the various long-not-dealt-with glitches and noises, etc.  (He was fantastic...drove down to the house pick up my set of car keys when I said I couldn't get them to him easily because we didn't have a second car and I had two kids under the weather.  He wanted to try to get the rear hatchback open...the door hasn't opened in months...and Cap's keys were not working for him.)

I was in multiple conversations with various family members from my side of the family about when we could get over to Queens to take my parents' holiday picture.  I really felt the effects of my lack of balance and energy (Qi) as the day wore on and I felt more and more stressed and pressed by wanting to please the most people possible and not being able to please everyone.  This is never a good scenario!  It's always easier, smoother and simpler to have a singular well-lit path.  Ridiculous when I consider that no one was pressuring me or demanding to be pleased.  It was all me.

I continue to see how things are better than they were before.  When Cap called after he was done with his class, I was able to tell him how overwhelmed I felt.  He took the disjointed details I was spilling out, reorganized them, and became a quiet, reasonable beacon.

The kids were deemed well enough to travel.  I packed Inge's Dip, potato chips, a just-in-case meal for Gem, a collection of cheeses, a box of crackers, a snack for the car, candied pecans for my mom...and as soon as Cap came home with the car, we endured the trip to Queens which took twice as long as usual due to holiday traffic.

The holiday pic was taken, my sister's Sauerbraten rocked, we kept the cousins as not-on-top-of-each-other as we could (germ control), and my sister popped in The Wizard of Oz (which my guys have never seen).  It was lovely.

And last night at 9:35pm, we were here:

With everything going on, it was the first chance we had to food shop for an unexpected Thanksgiving at home.  I think this is the first non-traditional Thanksgiving we are having since Sag was born on Thanksgiving Day ten years ago.  (The store was not as crazy as I'd imagined it might be.)

I hope it's a good day for you wherever you are and whatever you do.  Peace and love.

P.S.  Good news on the car front.  The mechanic, who happens to love Legacy wagons and has a ton of experience working on Subarus, was pleasantly and genuinely surprised to feel that our car has some legs left on it.  We are starting with a relatively minor repair and if that holds up the working theory, then we will likely keep the car knowing it has another good couple of years with additional, reasonable work given the car's mileage age.  Yay!

Fall gazing

Kid spotted #1:

Kid spotted #2:

Me spotted #1:

Me spotted #2:

I had a bite of nisu (Finnish cardamom bread Cap makes GFCF for us every name day celebration) the other morning.  It was a conscious decision.  And, as it turns out, not a good one.  (Unless one wants to say since I learned something some good came of it...)  Today, I was spacey.  In that ADDish way.  Shook me a little.

It led to a second ill-advised food/eating decision at dinner tonight.  Slippery, slippery slope.

So, now I know.  I am renewing my commitment to get back to a truer, more essential, sugar- and grain-free way of eating and living.  With an emphasis on Paleo (little to no dairy either).

Cap and I grabbed some "us" time tonight.  The kids had a great time with Daniel and Donna and we stayed home with Thor and Chinese take-out.

Yellow leaves and autumnal light to you.

P.S.  Have I mentioned I want a laptop?  A screen of my own.  The hard press is on here.  I dream it, I visualize it, I mention it to Cap and the kids every day...

Bits

Busy, preoccupied...time change, my "monthly".

• the moussaka was fresh and bright...not the moussaka I've had in restaurants.  good, but didn't knock my socks off.  may be better today after a night of "seasoning" in the fridge.  it took a long time to make (not only because I am such a manatee.)

• older kid had some GI issues after I fell asleep and the sore throat niggling him is more of a presence this morning.  likely viral, but may scoot him to the doc to rule out strep.

• a bit ADDish about the common meal menu for tomorrow night...I am not usually this indecisive...which makes me feel disorganized...

• early birthday party for Sag in...five days?!  gotta get my ass in gear.

• new nightly rhythm of rubbing the kids seems to be helping them fall asleep easier...though that could be due to the time change.  tip: not to wait until lights out (the time of which can vary).  I've been having them get ready for bed at around the same time and rub them soon after.  that way I am not too tired yet.  afterward, depending on how they feel, they can go to sleep or read/talk for awhile in bed.

• Minecraft.  the kids love this game.  it has led them to join their first multi-player server (a lesson in letting go for me).  the game has lovely background music that has stopped me in my tracks many a time.  I stop...and I listen and I feel peaceful.  Sag loves the music, too.  in recent days we've bought the soundtrack and downloaded free sheet music that a fan has transcribed.

Jostle

I feel insignificant, jostled, overwhelmed.

But, I am aware of the flipside.  Forces greater than myself are at play.

I resist the sense of losing control.

But, acknowledge the turbulence of the still shifting season...as well as, shifting into Dragon's Way.

Old, old lower back injury flaring up big time.  Tears.  ADDishness has returned.  (This has been bumming me out...interesting that I didn't think of it as a "flare up" but a "return"...)  States of being that feel unfamiliar, yet deeply rooted.

I did go swimming this morning and truly enjoyed it.

House was good :-)  And I forgot Glee, which early on seems much stronger than last season.

Peace.  (And my chlorinated eye...ADD Girl forgot her goggles despite going back to the apartment three times for other forgotten items.)

Slow-mo

The work...the process of sifting through stuff and dust to reorganize and streamline...it was indescribably tedious yesterday.  I am sensitive to flow.  When I am part of it, I am juiced.  Thrumming with Life, with Energy, it feels amazing.  When I am not, I feel out of sync, disjointed.

Yesterday, I felt like was I moving in a molasses flood.  I was acutely aware of the blanket of DULL which lay over me and the room.

But, I kept going.  The ducking and denial that I would step into the past did not happen.  That's how powerful this recent shift within me, is.  I was in extreme slow motion, but I never stopped.  I was in somewhat-agony, but it never reached unbearable-pitch.

Rather than filling bags with stuff-to-sort-out-later, today, I will be going through old bags to clear them out of my frakkin' way.

I'm not feeling positive...yet.  There ain't nothing "good" about tedium in my book.  And the sense I got at some point yesterday evening, that keeping a clutter-free and dust-free space is relentless (not to mention being the head cheerleader of sorts when it comes to maintaining said space thusly)...well, that's an indication right there that I am not in flow.

But, in-between is okay.  Actually, it is so much better than any of the negative "d" words of the past: down and out, denial, depressed, dragging...I'll take it.  With a smile.  Which tips the scale towards plus.  Nice.

Looking pretty good 24 hours later!  The old shelf, a hand-me-down from Basha when she moved from Boston (for you old timers) will not stay there under the window.  Where it will go next is TBD.

This spot on the computer table, also known as, my desk, tends to fill up quickly with the minutiae of passing hours and days (foot tall piles are frequent guests).  I am curious to see what happens this week.  It doesn't really feel my desk most of the time.  Adding these little touches may help.

We picked up four of these red plastic bin inserts at Ikea the other day.  (The other two have been inserted into the white shelves.)  These bins contain smaller game containers and game accessories.  We love how it gives the shelf a cleaner look, while, hopefully, keeping the dust factor down.  (Our game shelf is the same type of shelf, Expedit, we bought for homeschooling storage, just a different color.  They don't make this color anymore.  Our first choice color for the homeschooling shelves were unavailable, but we actually really like the way the white looks in that corner.)

The silver lining to Gem's new environmental allergy situation (his symptoms continue to subside) is that we have a new impetus to redesign and manage our space with a critical eye towards keeping the space as dust-free as possible.  The less stuff we have, the easier it will to be clean frequently!

Reflecting on yesterday, I can see a greater Flow in place.  Fills me with gratitude and peace.

I ♥ Ikea

Since returning from Massachusetts, I have been turning my attention to the Fall and our learning time at home.  Between the weather (lots of low pressure and rain...I would curl up and die in a region like Seattle, I am sure of that now) and PMS and acclimating to having a child with new allergies, it has been slow going.

But, it's been going.  Most importantly, as I mentioned yesterday, my line of thinking has been traveling a path clear of muck.  I'm a person who has never been short on ideas.  The communication and execution were more my issues.

Yesterday morning I finally began deconstructing the two shelves that have contained the kids' homeschooling "stuff" for the last year.  The binders, the notes, the workbooks, the slantboards...  It's not an ideal storage area because it's behind the big table and is hard to get to and hang out by.  But, I also realized that the two shelves were also no longer tenable.  Our stuff had outgrown the space.

I tossed some ideas out to Cap and he was very receptive.  Our learning space is undergoing some changes, becoming more academic, to match up with the kids' needs as they develop...as well as, our visions on how to be there for them as they transition to being curious about more abstract concepts.

Case in point.  (A great deal I found on Amazon.  Haven't used it yet, but it has arrived, is easy to set up and break down and I am very excited about it!)

Thus, yesterday evening's date night became a childless Ikea run.  It was uncharacteristically mellow over there and we were fairly surgical in our in and out.

Cap's feeding the kids breakfast as I type, then we will drive him up to campus, then we'll hit the farmer's market, and I may brave Target later (having the darndest time finding NasalCrom).  But, for the most of the day, I will be taming this beast:  (See the pretty new shelves?  Quadruple the storage space!)

Scattery

Interestinger and interestinger...

I am pretty sure I am PMSing.  Impulsivity is coursing through my veins and my mind keeps scattering like quicksilver.  I was irritable yesterday, today that is fading.

Compared to "before", this is much easier.  Though my brain is in some sort of overdrive, the spots that my thoughts come to a rest on, haphazardly and fleetingly, have been, for the most part, things on my "to do" list and I have been following through.  (Mind body connection remains strong in that way.)

I haven't had the time/mental calm to actually think about much.  In a way it feels like sleep walking (more like sleep dashing)...which feels a little disconcerting...but, I can't argue with the fact that things are getting done.

There's a reasoned undercurrent to the frenzy.

Some of what I did today:

• talked to John, our CSA farmer, down at the farmer's market.  he is down (very tired), but not out (not discouraged).  the farm has had its share of difficulty since Irene passed through.  picked up scallions, garlic and lettuce from his stand.

• picked up some yummy ground meats (beef, pork, turkey) at the farmer's market, but the cheese people were out of Ewegurt!

• ordered/bought "not" back-to-school gifts for the kids.

• spent the afternoon poolside with Tiina while our kids frolicked in the water...town pools close Monday.

• braved Staples and was happy to find their eco-notebooks.

• went food shopping.

• scheduled and rescheduled some appointments for next week.

• read.  Fist, Stick, Knife, Gun is worth your time if you care about the intersection of poverty, violence, education and home life in the United States.

• ordered/bought birthday, birthday bird, and back-to-school presents for nephew and nieces.

All while summoning focus through wildly bucking synaptic energy or the slightly dazed before or after.  I'm a little worn out.  But, smiling.

me and my new prescription swim goggles.

P.S.  Thanks to Wendy for pointing me in this direction.  I cannot remember the last time I have had such fast service, for such a well designed product, all for a reasonable price.

P.P.S.  I've been working on my own Fall schedule (hence the goggles)...will report here once all is set!

P.P.P.S.  Part of my problem today may have been not enough protein...or not a steady enough stream of it.  I had a small grass-fed steak with homemade pesto aioli for dinner tonight and have been feeling much better since that hit my system.

Update

A pic of Sag in the world of Minecraft.  This game, still in beta, is the kids' latest obsession passion.

In other news, I made a green salad and a salad caprese (all ingredients bought in the morning at the farmer's market...we stopped to gaze at the queen bee at the honey stand, Sag got a glazed blueberry donut at Vacchiano Farms and Gem got some lemonade at The Bread Company) and Cap baked chocolate chip cookies and peanut butter cookies, and we broke bread with Danielle, Norb and their kids last night.

It was leisurely and lovely.  Danielle and Norb make quite the culinary team.  My favorite bite of the night was a curry-cranberry-carrot turkey burger of Danielle's own design grilled to perfection by Norb.  I've known Danielle since nursery school, I met Norb sophomore year of college on a visit out to Michigan where they went to school and met.  They met Cap for the first time...probably at their wedding, nearly twenty years ago, in D.C.

Now we've got a gaggle of boys between us and though times like last night are too rare, we are bonded by years and years of connection and true affection...and the incredible luck that plunked us down, of all places in the universe, within two blocks of each other in the Garden State.

In other news, we've been watching Little League on the telly.  Paramus, representing our current and fair state, plays today in the mid-Atlantic finals.  Their evening game was pushed up due to weather.  It has been raining steadily here since 2am, hopefully, they'll be able to play their game today safely (in CT).  The Little League World Series starts next week.

In other news, I started reading Women, Food and God, an interesting read.  Some things she talks about have resonated quite strongly with me, but there's something about her writing style that is clunky (is it her or her editor or both?)  I've had to re-read numerous sentences in order to understand what she was saying.  There is a distinct lack of organizational flow in the first part of the book which outlines, essentially, the "why".

I thought I was going to plunge into the second part of her book, the "hows", but another book has come in from the library, A.D. New Orleans After The Deluge, and I can feel my attention going that way...

In other news, my essentially grain-free, sugar-free eating continues.  I am having the occasional craving which seems quite connected to PMS-y hormonal surges/dips.  I've noticed that in non-home eating situations I am eating more than when I am at home.  And that, though, full (and gently poking myself to try to remember this feeling for the next time), I am not going into the spacey/foggy/lethargic food comas that had become so commonplace for me.

I find it very interesting that, like clockwork, I am no longer "hungry" for something to eat at 9:30/10:00pm in front of the tv.  Not surprisingly, more often than not, I am hungry within an hour of waking up in the morning.  (It really helps to feel physical hunger again, to discriminate between actual hunger and hunger of the psyche/soul.)

Yesterday, for the first time since I began, I felt good.  The balance has tipped so that I feel less achey, less tired, less irritable.  I have been tempted to ease grains and sugar back in, but have decided, for now, to wait until I have the next order of detox in place (the fourth one, practicing Qigong is not fully in force yet, either...): begin regular exercise.

I've decided to join the Y and just do it.  But, I can feel the resistance inside me.  The plan, now, is to join in September, after our week in Massachusetts and their week of sprucing up shut down.  I am going to try walking, swimming, the elliptical and zumba.  The climate control is critical.  But, but, but, but...I feel a strong anxiety about it, too.  A claustrophobic germophobic kind of thing.  Sigh.

For now, I will simply start walking.  Around the block, in the neighborhood, in the park.  Perhaps after a few weeks of walking I will feel ready to incorporate other ways to move my body into my habits.  Perhaps I will no longer feel the need to do anything else.

This morning, I had some matchsticks of Oktoberkase (Valley Shepherd Creamery at the farmer's market) and cherry tomatoes from our farm share.  I've been savoring the tomatoes this season.  They have been delectable.  And they pair so well with cheese!  And tender leaves of lettuce.  I have not missed the bread at all.  Though I marvel at the convenience of pre-made, pre-sliced store-bought bread with new awareness every time I toast some for the boys...

Slowing down and simplifying...at times I can feel the strain on the seemingly hard-wired parts of my brain.  I can understand how bringing meditation into the picture could ease this strain.  Sleep is the best meditation...and for me, the next best thing, my dreaded Dragon Standing Between Heaven and Earth, needs to come next.

Peace and love to you.

Placebo

If this is a placebo effect, it is one big mother of one.

The kids were building a fort in the living room so I made my way into the kitchen.  I needed to think about lunch and dinner.  I poked around in the fridge.  I was actually able to see into the fridge pretty clearly.  (One of those things that "tightens up" when I am single parenting is the kitchen.  I am much more inclined to keep the fridge decluttered, for example.)

I spotted some mystery "wet" in one of the crisper drawers.  As I unloaded the potatoes, carrots and red cabbage to clean this up, I realized I should use these veggies since there is a new shipment coming in this afternoon.  (I also discovered a mystery "thick and dry and brown" under the kitchen table when I pushed it back so I could open the fridge door wide enough to pull the crisper drawer out!)

Pretty smoothly and easily, I made three dishes using up the potatoes, carrots and red cabbage.  Half the cabbage became some of Jamie's mom's cole slaw, the potatoes were split between roasted and a small batch of potato salad for me (I'm the only one who eats it...and I *should* stay away from starchy veg, but...I figured it was a good use of the two potatoes that wouldn't fit into the roasting pan), the carrots were popped into the roasting pan before I realized I could have used it in the cole slaw.

I only threw out the eggplant and one tomato from last week's CSA share because they went too ripe before I could serve/make something with them.  I still have a bunch of peaches...which I should blanch, peel and get into the freezer...

This is how I imagine most people operate.  Staying organized, staying on top of things...I am curious to see how things continue.

Quickie

We have a young friend coming over at 11am so this will be quick.

• Really sleepy and tired by 10pm but Sag was up and asking me to stay awake.  He fell asleep by 11pm (after agreeing with Cap that Cap could stand in for me) and I fell asleep soon after.  I could feel a second wind coming on as I got into bed, but I made it.  Phew :-)

• Woke around 4:00am when Gem crawled into bed (Sag was already in).  I had to pee (another sign of deregulation/change...normal for me, for decades, has been to go through the night without having to go to the bathroom) and tried to fall back asleep in the bed, but moved to Sag's bed after awhile.

• Fell back asleep till 8:00 when Gem woke me up.  I didn't feel as crappy as I did yesterday morning, but I felt tired and like I could have slept for another couple of hours.  I wondered, as I lay there with my eyes barely able to open, will I ever wake up with a bounce in my soul and my step, ever again?

• Once up, I remembered my promise to myself and went into The Dragon Stands Between Heaven and Earth as soon as I stepped into the living room.  Gem was in front of me asking me something within a minute.  This is something I need to work on.  Establishing with the kids that when I am practicing, much like when I am on the phone, to stop and consider whether their need for me is critical, and to hold off, as much as possible, on interrupting me.

• My body was tight and heavy in the pose.  With the interruption, I realized I was still too tired to practice.  Having eaten a bit, I see that relaxing on my own ideas of "practice first thing", leting go of the "should" is in order.

• The increased mental clarity I felt yesterday afternoon continued into the evening.  I did notice my impulsive/compulsive iPhone solitaire playing continued, but to a lesser degree.  I was even able to recognize how restless I felt before I started playing at one point in the early evening.  I was waiting for Donna to arrive to pick up Daniel and didn't want to start cooking Sag's omelette for dinner because I didn't want to be interrupted.  I was literally circling the living room trying to figure out what to do while I waited and felt too "jazzed" for reading and didn't want to sit at the computer.  So I played Solitaire.

• I definitely spent less time at the computer yesterday.

• Sag called me a slacker yesterday and I felt really called out even as I knew in my heart that he didn't mean it the way I was taking it.  (He was pissed over a very particular incident.)  I have a definite pool of guilt towards the kids and Cap as a result of this foggy/tired person I have been.  As I progress away from these states of being, I really look forward to letting go of the guilt.

• Mood-wise, I am definitely working with a shorter fuse and have had a few bursts of irritability.  Mostly with the kids.

• I kept getting hungry yesterday and needed to refuel frequently.  I was surprised when after dinner I didn't feel hungry anymore.  My tea was enough.  The first time I didn't eat something post-dinner in...forever.  Helps with sleep and weight gain.

• I started taking my Chinese herbs and drinking my Chinese tea again yesterday.  I see Vinny on Saturday for the first time in about two months.

• Yogurt and fruit was too cold for me this morning.  Literally.  Drinking tea to warm myself back up.

• Note to self and the world: interruptions really derail me.  (This is by far, the trait that makes me ADDish.)

Well, this wasn't so quick, but I want to try to get it all down...off to shower and hosting our little friend!

Right now

The kids are singing while playing a game (which is part of their Math time).  The lively energy is cheering.

A roofer rang the doorbell at 7:45 am asking me to move my car out the back.  I was sound asleep.  (Did I mention that two nights ago I didn't fall asleep till 4am?  Such is life...)  They've draped these super long tarps off the roof to slide the old roof pieces down.  Looks kinda cool.

Inspired by this post (I'm on ADDish time...) I washed the kitchen floor.  I so appreciated the simplicity of using hot water, a cup of vinegar and a bit of elbow grease to get a nice clean.

What's up for you right now?

Gluten gut

I hear my body talking...complaining...occasionally squawking.

For a week or two I've been mindfully decreasing my grain intake, particularly wheat.  I've noticed on the plus side that, I have quickly begun to experience feeling hungry in the morning again.  That just feels "normal"...and nice.

On the minus side (which I guess is a plus in terms of the whole knowledge=power thing), on the occasions that I have consumed something gluten-y, I have begun to experience and be more aware of bodily ills and symptoms that wheat is hard for my system to digest.

• itchy rashy red skin

• bad mood

• restless/unfocused mind

• gut pain

• digestive irregularity (of all types)

Yesterday's pasty...a hard lesson learned.  I felt like I had a lead ball in my stomach for hours after I ate it.  Then I was in a fiercely bad mood followed by incredible mental restlessness.  I went to bed late, but had no insomnia (interesting).  This morning, as soon as I ate (I was not hungry, but breakfast always seems the thing to do when starting my day), my stomach started to hurt.  This does not happen if I am regularly consuming wheat/gluten.  But, I think, the bit of a break was enough to resensitize me and my body.  It wasn't my stomach that was actually having trouble this morning, the issues had landed further along my digestive system.  I'll spare you the rest.

I tend to think it's never just one thing.  And I tend to think things always change. 

I am looking forward to continuing to refine my diet according to what my body tells me.  Gluten-free, less grains...more veggies.  Protein is a must for me so continue with grass-fed pastured meat and eggs.  Cheese seems, for now, okay.  Beans are beginning to become problematic.  I noticed it first with lentils, and now chickpeas.  Soy seems fine, so far.  I tend to consume fermented soy (natto) which may be why.

Next week Cap and I will begin to construct a new schedule, with an eye to building new routines for the Fall.  I am joining the Y (Gem upon hearing this: "let's see if it lasts more than a month this time"...ouch!) and am lobbying for a daily block of time for myself. 

I am someone who bounces back and forth between scheduled is good vs. unscheduled is good.  And I am wanting more of a schedule these days.  (A sign, for sure, of the chaos I am feeling inside.)

I am realizing that I have been in a near constant state of never knowing when either or both the kids are going to need me...but knowing that I need to be available for when those moments come up.  For my ADDish self, this can be a hellish purgatory.  If I delve into something on my own, I hate being interrupted.  I hate it so much that I become inhibited from starting anything and then I feel crappy because I feel unproductive.  By the end of the day I am physiologically tired and then I begin again vis-a-vis Cap.

So, yes, more structure is sounding very good about now.

I will also resume seeing Vinny and taking herbs and I think practicing Qigong will follow.  Vinny is leading a Dragon's Way class this Fall and I am hoping to join the Qigong class.

In the meantime, I'm putting one foot in front of the other, one thought in front of the other.  Thanks for moving along with me.

Peace and love.

Morning yum

Bing cherry jam from the farmer's market (Treelicious) and kiwi jam from Barcelona.  Made for a lovely breakfast with eggs from yesterday's farm delivery scrambled gently in olive oil, seasoned with salt and pepper.

I continue to be overwhelmed with bouts of insomnia/persistent sleep deprivation.  It has been motivating, in a way, to realize that my physiological disarray (hormonal-neurological-emotional soup) is likely due to deepening entry/full arrival into a new phase of my life: perimenopause.

This doesn't really change how I want to deal with anything (practice Qigong, take my herbs, keep rebalancing and recalibrating in pursuit of inner and outer peace, being gentle), but moving away from confusion (which at moments led to near panic) helps to transform some of the feeling of chaos into a jumble of pushes and pulls that feels more manageable.

I am still laughing, weakly, remembering the phrase I read a couple of days ago that perimenopause can last anywhere from two to fifteen years...

Which reminds me of a video my local homeschoooling fellow HCHS alum friend Elizabeth posted this morning on Google+ (I'm still there waiting for more folks to join me!) about living with indignant joy...

Peace and love and furious happiness to you.