Small moments

Taking in the nourishment of small moments:

• the spontaneous and emotional hugs and kisses from my children.

• discovering at check-out that every single item I bought was on sale ($12 and change for three skeins of chunky yarn and a big roll of wrapping paper...holiday shopping that jingles my bells).

• local florists who deliver meadow flowers in Ball mason jars.  (my friend is heading home today *big smile*.)

• cold salami sandwiches with mayo and mustard on Udi's bread.

• Les Revenants/The Returned.

• realizing that my immune system is one tough and fiery broad.

• Earl Grey tea with honey and milk.

• munchkins and moon rocks (with my little man, Leo).

• the joy of The Killers and a great cover.

Peace and love.

Doing the math

I read this short piece on The Necessary Art of Subtraction recently.  The wisdom/strategy is obvious and simple, yet easy to miss.

My tendency is to add...and see how the chips fall in terms of what gets subtracted.  I find it difficult to actively subtract.

Here is what I have added and subtracted in these days after Thanksgiving and before Winter Solstice:

+

• dosage of magnesium supplement (really helps my sleep)

• meditation (doing the 10-day free trial)

• Qigong

• setting an alarm to wake up

-

• cane sugar

• grains

• dairy

Decluttering, keeping up with household cleaning, and tightening up the household budget continue to be glaring areas of need.  What must I subtract in order to bring these aspects of responsibility into the fold of my present intention/attention?

(post-sauna selfie in Plympton.)

Peace and love.

Grasshopper

Will this grasshopper ever learn? Last night I was starting to feel distinctly better virus-wise. But I felt heavy, bloated, and inflamed.

Over the weekend I'd had bouts of chemically-fueled anxiety...for want of a better way to put it. I'd be sitting there (usually quite literally, in my red chair) and, as if a switch was turned on, a circus would start to rehearse in the cavity of my chest. The swoops and somersaults of trapeze artists, the vibratory thumps and trumpets of elephants, the buzz and din of an excited throng...

I paused and experienced and it would inevitably pass in a few minutes.

I yelled at one of the kids over the weekend and generally had way less patience with them.

My decade-old eczema patch on my scalp flared up big time and was itchy, red and tender-to-the-touch...this weekend.

Yesterday, despite a lovely visit from an old friend of ours the day before which precipitated the putting on of clothes and  socializing and realizing that, indeed, the virus was on its way out, all I wanted to do (and did) was stay in my pajamas and curl into being as alone as I could.

Oh, and last night I had trouble falling asleep for the first time in weeks.

So, in retrospect, there would seem to have been some sort of significance to this weekend.

Last night the old voice(s) came out of the woodwork. Happily, I do not react and struggle anywhere near the levels I used to. But, the message inevitably gets transmitted: this is your fault, do something about it.

This is when I go into "shut it down" mode and begin to concoct "the plan". About going to the gym, about drasticating my diet, about practicing Qigong, etc.  About becoming blameless. About being the paragon I believe I never am.

There is nothing wrong with the impulse to want to transform, to improve self-care...but for me, there is something intrinsically Sisyphusian about having the impulse rear up during a moment of needing a "fix".  (Those pesky backslides.)

I interface better and more productively with ideas of self-care when I am not in the throes of what feels like a crisis in my heart, my brain, my central nervous system.

When I can get to the root of the old emotional stuff that comes up, oh, ONCE A MONTH (perimenopause is fickle and I am suddenly regular again), when I can feel out the edges and sharpen my tool, I can, and will, excise it and let it dissolve into the ether...or primordial ooze.

The old voices are important to recognize so they can be put in their place, at least, until they are dismissed forever.

PMS, get thee back into your corner.

Ad infinitum. I wonder if this process will continue up to the day I die. Or if some day I will achieve the next level of grasshopperdom and step off this particular hamster wheel (to mix my critter metaphors).

I made something yummy yesterday. Baked oatmeal, for the first time. My crazy brain was telling me late last night, as it was keeping me from sleep, that I should not eat this today because of inflammation and going Paleo in between all the celebrations coming up and the weight I'm gaining with all the hibernation eating I've been doing...

Well, I got my period this morning and I am feeling so much better, inside and out. The show's over, there's nothing left to see. 

(Except a shot of yummy.)

Peace.

Catching up

What I am now thinking of as a virus lingers. Hopefully it will move on in a few days. I surrender.

I have been reading a lot: Life As We Knew It, Calling Dr. Laura and The Fault In Our Stars. (All very good and recommended.)

Cap and I watched an incredible documentary called A Band Called Death. Highly recommended.

I am sleeping...dreaming intensely and waking early (ready to go to bed by 9-10pm but that is difficult because I'm sleeping in the kids' room and they are still awake).

I am craving and eating lots of starchy carbs and eggs.

Having a bordering-on-bossy mug of Earl Grey to ease me into the day. Off to pull on some clothes and visit the farmer's market. (Yay for my market companion, Kelly, providing door-to-door service!)

Peace and love.

P.S.  Big news: Peru is a GO!!!

Paring down to simple

I was pleased that we made it through the week without dipping into our savings account.  Yesterday, mostly because we had barely anything typically breakfast-y left in the fridge and pantry and partly because "daddy got paid", the kids and I went out for breakfast.  (Cap opted to catch a few more winks.)  I had some coffee with cream and a quintessential Garden State breakfast sammie: Taylor ham, scrambled egg, jack cheese on a buttermilk biscuit.  'Twas yummy.

The kids and I chewed on thoughts and ideas, as well as, food.  Sag shared some memories of preschool.  Gem recounted something he read recently about how children have friends of both genders till about age 3 and how after that, we humans tend to make friends of the same gender.  I did a mini-lesson on economics, comparing different activities/things we buy/do that cost the equivalent of what our breakfast tab was.

The depressive state of earlier in the week has given way to something hard to describe...I'll call it muddle-brained...with emotional spikes.  All chemical, all the current soup of perimenopause + the season.  All ephemeral...if not in the actual how it feels, certainly in its inevitable passing on.  I saw Vinny (after a brief break during which he traveled to the Grand Canyon for the first time) and that always helps.  He gave me some new herbs to hone in a tiny cough that has developed inside me.  I also picked up some vitamin D + fish oil and evening primrose + flaxseed oil.  Vitamin D and evening primrose are mood supporters.

It's hard not to think about the level of dismantling I am doing to my days as a devolution.  As regressive, as backwards.  The reality is that reality is very much shaped by perception.  Think about this linearly and I get one thing, think about it non-linearly and I get another.  Honestly, I am not thinking about it that much, at all.  (Which I actually think is a positive.)

I have noticed I am happier out of the apartment, possibly because the apartment is physically harder to be in than usual (the dust factor, which is fairly high already has been exponentialized by my system reacting to the seasonal mold outdoors, ironically).

On my mind:

• what will I read next?

• $10 lunch special with my sweetie

• The Oranges (which we watched last night and I have mixed feelings about)

• if you can believe it, knitting

• Qigong, walking, the Y, tap...I am at the nexus of "barely"

• the seeming black hole of budgeting/financial competence

• becoming more one with the Dragon as we head into the final two weeks of class

Peace and love and keeping it real and simple.

Gestures

at home.

at the park.

I like gestures.  I find them arresting in a brain-tickling way.  They are invitations to connect and comprehend.  They are open to interpretation.  Listening to words can become tiresome (remember, I can barely hear lyrics to songs)...I am much more kinesthetic, visual, intuitive than verbal and auditory.  

When asked the classic question, if you had to choose between going blind and going deaf, hands down, I always chose going deaf.  This changed after my kids came into my life.  Listening to their sounds and voices, their thoughts and words...I would still choose going deaf, but it is not as simple a decision anymore.

It was interesting to capture these two images within a 24-hour period during which I also watched Blackfish.  I learned that there are indications that orcas have language.  In one of the most emotional scenes of a documentary that had many, a mother orca in captivity hung absolutely still in a corner of a tank (reportedly for hours) moaning and screeching, gesturing her grief, utterly bereft by the hole left in her being and soul after her calf was taken from her (and sold/transferred to another facility).  (Orcas remain with their mothers for the duration of their lives in the wild.)

There is a poetry to the stillness of gesture.  The completeness of the moment.  It's what draws me to modern dance.  It is minimalism that has the potential to express oceans without a sound.

Peace.

Exhale

As I took my last bite of braised red cabbage and apple scrambled with chopped plum tomato and a pastured egg with a drizzle of fish sauce (Red Boat = sugar-free)...my body released a tiny moan of pleased satisfaction.  And I felt so lucky.  And I felt so grateful.  (The soup is butternut which deepened overnight into a super savory delight.)

Yesterday I read an interview with Ann Leary and was struck by something she said:

"I think what people who aren't alcoholics don't understand is that denial isn't a refusal to believe the truth on the part of the alcoholic. They actually believe their truth. You know, it's not that they're turning, you know, a blind eye. They actually are in a different reality than their family members."

As I shift into a Dragon-y phase, I am quietly stunned by my pieces as they fall into...a different more healthful design.  I am the same, I am still me...yet going to class and practicing the Qigong movements for just a few days has brought about a subtle sea change.

(Eating less; feeling naturally and actually hungry, as opposed to, the more familiar clawing anxious seeking comfort hungry; being aware of the ebb and flow of nourishment and inflammation/distention; feeling more focus; feeling more calm.)

I don't think I am a true addict, but I know I have the tendency in my DNA.  I wonder if this has landed me in the center part of a Venn diagram.  I am capable of going into "different realities" while simultaneously believing that in doing so, I am refusing to believe "the truth".  That's some serious push and pull and would explain some things.

Anyway, all the tension and chaos of the past few months are quickly being left in the dust.  I am feeling good.

The weather has turned autumnal again and I am obsessively enjoying my new robe, the second robe I have ever owned.  It is cozy and colorful and chenille.

I am rediscovering the joy of apples.  Local, low-pesticide fruits fresh from the orchard.  YUM.  The color, texture, fragrance, flavor...unbeatable.

I hope you are thoroughly enjoying something today.

Peace and love.

Time of the body

When I turned 40 I was stoked.  Buoyed by a strong sense of "new beginning" (of the second half of my life), I vibrated promise.  And I wanted to ride that tantalizing burst of bliss to lots more.

(My thirties ran me ragged.  A surge of life "events" strung together closely resulted in inadequate capacity for stress management.  Infertility~baby~baby has multiple food allergies~another baby~second baby contracts pneumonia at one month~leaving a job/work I loved~moving into father-in-law's in the boondocks~moving to Sacramento...it was during our second year in Sacramento that I turned 40.)

In searching for my bliss, I focused on myself.  One of my guiding principles was that being happier would make everyone else in my family happier.  Within a year of turning 40 we moved to New Jersey and, here, I set about looking for someone to work with, someone who would expand my capacity for understanding what makes me tick so I could travel the road of least resistance towards personal joy.

I had met Kelly at a homeschooling event at the library and we became fast friends.  She introduced me to Master Lu and Vinny.  The rest, in a way, has been history.  As most of you know, Vinny has mad skills and has helped me, a lot, over the years.  I am definitely happier now than I was when I turned 40.

And yet...as I begin staring down 50, I am realizing that a new phase is upon me.  It is the time of the body.  I have had a fairly complicated relationship with my body since childhood.  I have carried body baggage into adulthood and never fully dealt with it.  Hence, the Oprah-like pendulum-ing of my weight (according to my backseat psychiatrist couch-think).

I have been having a hard time with fatigue for nearly two years.  During this time I've dabbled in self-education around hormonal issues (thyroid and perimenopause) and Paleo eating (which did seem to help a lot with my ADDishness).  Throughout, I saw Vinny.  He worked on me and I took the herbs he prescribed.

But, little has changed with the fatigue.  (My sleep issues, which peaked during this time, responded positively and dramatically to reducing caffeine and sugar.)

I signed up for the Y, I signed up for dance classes, I created schedules in an effort to get out/move my body, I considered yoga.  Nada.  I've been too tired or overwhelmed to actually do any of it.

In the last three months it has creepingly become undeniable: not only am I tired every morning when I wake up (recently I've been getting solid sleep and I know I am not emotionally depressed), but I am often ache-y and I am way too heavy.

Dragon's Way started last night and we practiced movements 1-4.  In a stunning moment of "oh !@#%", my new reality smacked me.  Hard.  These movements, which have never been hard for me, kicked my ass.

Describing the Qigong movements is a whole other post.  Suffice to say, for now, that though you have to be fairly exact in your execution for maximum benefit, the movements themselves are simple, gentle and slow.  Now, imagine me, doing these simple, gentle, slow movements and parts of my body starting to feel like lead within a minute of starting...not so much painful (though it is sometimes) but resistance to the simple, gentle and slow movements manifesting itself in a way that feels huge and immovable.  Now add guttural moans.  And sweat dripping off of me.  It was not pretty.

It was clarifying.  I've hit my tipping point.  Watershed moment.  47 is a prime number and I thought this year would be special.  I've been jiggling the key, working it, and I've been a little frustrated at the stickiness of the lock (blocked energy, prolonged fatigue, the metaphor fits).  Last night, the lock finally started to give a little.  A resounding "click" may be in my future.

The Qigong last night was powerful (practicing in a group generates some really lovely energy) and healing.  I was not ache-y this morning.  I practiced today.  I have eaten much less.  I have been more directed in my activity.  I have had more compassion for the kids.

I feel much more grounded.

In the past, I have focused on the food part of Dragon's Way, but this time, the food will be tertiary after the movements and the herbs.  After last night I know, in my bones, that practicing the movements can lead the way.  It will make the rest easier.

In other news, I have been spending a lot of time cooking.  And in between, I have been eating less, and well.

braised pork from A Spoonful of Ginger.

toasted macadamia nuts.

banana muffins.

bread crumbs.

apple sauce.

carrots.

shakshouka.

oatmeal raisin cookies.

Off to make some turkey meatballs for common meal tomorrow and then put together taco fixings for tonight.

Peace and love.

Dragon's Way

First class tonight and it KICKED MY ASS.

I'm gonna sleep well tonight...

Peace and love.

The space between rustic and refined

You may think granola is not refined...but I am telling you, this recipe makes an almost unrecognizable granola.  It's a bit like oat candy, more savory than sweet, complex, tasty.

Most of my day was spent in the kitchen yesterday with a nice break in between to spend some time with my honey.  (We ran errands and had lunch.)

I made granola, sautéed-braised cabbage/onion/apple, made pizza three ways (Daiya cheese on one, mozz on the other, turkey bacon for Cap, pork bacon for the rest of us) and cooked up another shakshouka (with Japanese eggplant this time, highly recommend).

I tinkered with this great pizza crust recipe and the results were happy-making.  Cap has been our resident pizza maker for years and he gave my pizza the thumbs up.  I am stoked to share in pizza making! 

Sag and I have some bean digesting sensitivities so I am decreasing my use of garfava flour which is a go to flour for many gluten-free cooks due to its higher protein and flavor profile.  (We don't use sorghum, another GF favorite for its texture profile because it doesn't agree with Gem's system).  I used M.A.G.'s all purpose rice flour bend for the base of the pizza crust.  I very unmethodically used less than 2 cups and subbed in some almond flour.  (Apparently one can sub in almond flour 1:1 for any GF flour called for in a recipe, up to 50%, without changing the end result too much.)  

Then, even more unmethodically, I added about 1/4 cup of arrowroot powder.  Because I remembered that "all purpose" means a mix of grain and starch...a skosh too late.  I figured (correctly, as it turned out) that the recipe could take it.  The result was a soft crust with a hint of chewiness and a nice toothsomeness created by the golden flaxmeal I used to handle the very tacky dough when working it onto the pizza stone and baking sheet (not toe self: put a pizza stone on the "to do" list...)

I didn't take a pic last night because I was too busy getting dinner on the table, and afterward, cleaning up and preparing the shakshouka.  But, here's a shot of this morning's cold pizza...

I enjoyed some of the shakshouka for breakfast this morning with two eggs.  And thought about making mistakes.  And being a kinesthetic learner.  And how this third batch of shakshouka was the best one of all because of the tweaking and learning I have done along the way of making it over and over again.  (For example, the ingredient list calls for a specific amount of salt but then never calls for it in the body of the recipe so, I believe I left it out the first two times.  Last night I tossed it in there at the start of the 20 minute stirring-reducing.)

Off to practice Qigong.  After that, it could be anything...hanging/folding laundry, baking oatmeal-raisin cookies, braising some pork shoulder, reading my book, diving into a mess of paperwork, finishing up the food shopping, watching Life of Pi (which I recorded weeks ago), doing something with one kid or the other or both, making a phone call or two or three...the possibilities are endless it seems.

Oh, and I can pickle those radishes!

Peace and love.

Hello again

Sorry to drop out there, but Precious the Larger my laptop was acting funny so I took her to the local Genius Bar and, gasp, had to leave her there for a couple of days!  She is back home now, we'll see how she does...

I have been off cane sugar and gluten since Monday.  I am sleeping well and my stomach doesn't hurt.  I continue to wake up ache-y and wiped out.  Some days this passes, some days not so much.  My mood, which had gotten pretty bad before I finally stopped it already with the gluten and sugar, has been slowly improving.  I am starting a Dragon's Way on Monday and look forward to the Qigong push.  I'll also cut out dairy, grains and meat, at that point.  Holding onto eggs, at least theoretically, for now.

I have been spending an inordinate amount of time thinking about and buying clothes.  I tend not to shop regularly for clothes for myself.  I rely on items that are/were made well and therefore last, seemingly a lifetime.  I also purchase pieces impulsively because I am bored with what I have (and they just won't die) or I happen upon something super on sale.  Every now and again I'll buy a bunch of things all at once (things I think of as staple-ware) and then they all fall apart at the same time necessitating restocking.  Then there's my Oprah-esque body weight pendulum swinging.  Because I go back and forth, I try to keep things "just-in-case" when they are too big, but also tend to celebrate by buying when I am "smaller".  (Meaning: I have more clothes than I actually do or can wear.)

Right now, I'm in a restocking place...but also am anticipating/hoping to swing to a smaller place.  This kind of pondering is so...dull and dull-making.  But, as the cooler weather hit and I found myself with not much to wear other than my sweatpants...


As unappealing as it was, I needed to do consider new clothes.  Ordering online, returning much, trying things on in stores, not liking anything, making time to get to stores, taking time to check prices and find free shipping coupon codes...yuck.

I think I'm almost done.  Today I went to an L.L. Bean store and to make a long story short, they didn't have what I thought they would, I discovered that sometimes what's discounted online is not necessarily so in the store, and, seeing and feeling something can really change one's impression.

This sweater, which I can't remember ever noticing in their catalogue, drew me like a moth to a flame, in the store.  It was so cushy and comfy and the color was fantastic...more orange and less coral.  If it had fit me better, I would have snapped it right up, full price.  As it is, I am considering ordering it online despite my suspicion that I fall right between two sizes...but can't quite justify it.  They have three items I want more than I need, but they are all full price.  I suppose I'll wait till I get notification of their next sale.  But, they tend to run out of stock.  But, but, but.

Oh. My. God.  Just...stop.

Here's a lovely poem.

And a link to new music.

And one, two, three books I just requested from the library.

All free because I am trying NOT to spend money!  Go away thoughts of a pretty new sweater!

Peace and love.

Thrumming along on a thursday

My period came "early"...my body has gone perimenopausal rogue...you go, girl.

Good news, it has not decimated me energy-wise and yesterday I drove Sag to gymnastics and then the kids and I went to common meal (which was good but truly a shadow of its former incarnation).

Interesting news, as soon as I got my period, my body felt a huge sense of relief.  I didn't realize how pent up I was, it felt SO good, but also a little loony.

Not bad news, but on the flip side of yesterday's ability to follow the day's agenda, today I am vacillating between craving rest and feeling restless.  Later, I will take Gem to his first programming class (and get myself a spot of tea while waiting for him) and tonight, we head into the city to see Neko Case.

On a separate note, this piece and this piece are resonating recently.

I am feeling too tired to cook...but have some veg that need attention.  Maybe it will happen if I can get my mind-full with the thought...

Peace and love.

Autumn equinox

I took a wrong turn awhile back and have charged along a path that has led me to the edge of a cliff.  Snapping at Sag helped me see this clearly.  I described how I felt to him thusly:

"...it's like I'm at the edge of a cliff feeling nervous and uncomfortable and the slightest breeze makes me freak out..."

There is a part of me, my personality, that hates the idea of retreat...of going back...retracing steps.  I'm an Aquarian, which is all about leaping forward, airiness...there is something so earthbound about grounding.

And yet, grounding feels awfully good to me.  Probably because it is not in my nature to be grounded and so I often find myself imbalanced in the other direction.  Or I/my body attempt/s to ground my/itself in inappropriate (and ultimately unhealthy) ways...like overeating and doing stuff while sitting on my ass.

It's my mind that needs grounding, really.

And when it happens, the coming together of mind and body, it feels damn good.

I watched this Louis CK tidbit this week and, boy, did it resonate.

Then I read this piece by Melicious, the author of Well Fed, and girl, did it resonate.

And then, I read this (not-a-hot-mess-but-a-warm-one-which-she-admits) piece over at Momastery, and thought...yoga...hmm.

So, I am giving yoga a go for the first time in many years, tonight, with Donna, who is a big fan of the yoga studio she goes too.  Afterward, I will nibble on gnocchi, which I have been craving (on and off for months).  And, tomorrow, tomorrow I turn my back to the edge of this particular cliff and start retracing my steps...towards balance, towards paths I know I have felt healthier and happier treading upon.

It seems fitting to experience some transformation on the Autumn Equinox.

Peace and love and happy Fall.

Whole30 :: Day 12

One of the things I love about doing a Whole30 or The Dragon's Way is the assumptive knowledge that I/one will feel awesome during and after.  What is not to love about feeling awesome?

During this Whole30 I am noticing that, in a way, it is taking longer to feel awesome.  But, there is awesomeness embedded in my awareness of the fatigue and aches and pains which are taking longer to dissipate.

For example, I don't think I am eating much less than when I have done Whole30s before...but my body is experiencing it much differently.  I am encouraged by the fact that I am at a place where if I need to eat, even if there isn't anything at the ready, I am not wanting the ease/convenience of grabbing a piece a toast.  And I am way past cravings for anything not Paleo.

Cap and the kids went out for Japanese food the other night, mostly because the kitchen was in disarray with the fridge-on-the-fritz.  I opted to stay home because there was nothing I could eat at the restaurant...but also because I could envision myself eating an avocado roll or two.

The grip of inflammation is loosening on my body and I can feel the effects of muscle tension all over.  "Normally", I don't feel these pains because when I am eating inflammatory foods my body goes into what I imagine as a sort of traction.  The energy, or whatever, becomes so immovable, held in place by the inflammation response, that I don't feel how tight my muscles actually are.

I am almost mid-way and I am happily keep on keeping on.

There has been a brief weather respite and last night we took a walk at Gem's suggestion.  Today has been muggy again and it has been raining for a couple of hours.

I am enjoying the rearranged kitchen.  Sag has been vocal about his dismay.  I felt crappy this afternoon, but, again with the creeping bits of awesome, my mind took its time sifting through the algebra of the experience...and I realized a cup of Chinese herbal tea was just what my internal doctor was ordering.  (It has been a dog's age since I've had this tea!)  Then, I noticed what the cup of tea reflected in the kitchen table's new location.

I spent time organizing the new fridge.  Out came the labeler.  I love this gadget.  The new fridge is slightly different than the old one and I liked puzzling over what to put where, maximizing ease of use and space.

Boy, did that thing fill up fast.  (The beginning of the week tends to see a fuller fridge because we food shop weekly on the weekend.)  Our CSA share comes on Tuesdays, so some of this needs to be eaten down by then!  The most significant difference between the two fridges is that this one doesn't have a "meat" drawer.  So we are losing one of the produce crisper drawers to meat/cheese.

I made a new-to-me recipe tonight: Primal Thai Beef.  It was the bomb.  A serious flavor bomb.  I had most of the less-perishable ingredients on hand which made putting this together a snap (and economical).  The sauce is what really makes the dish.  I think the protein could be switched out with another type of meat, or tofu, no problem.  We have a buttload of ginger powder so I subbed that for the fresh ginger.  I was skeptical of adding the onion and garlic (along with the bell pepper) after the meat was halfway browned, but it totally worked.  I skipped the carrots because that's how your hated-carrots-as-a-kid blogger rolls.  Also, this recipe calls for zero salt.  I knew fish sauce is very salty, but, again, I was skeptical.  The resulting dish totally did not need salt.  And, finally, it was so refreshing to make something Thai-inspired that didn't call for coconut milk!

So, so good, you guys.  Eating this made me really happy.  Sag loved it, Gem did not try it.  I will be making this again, no doubt.

Peace and love.

Whole30 :: Day 11

Kitchen 2.0.  

We like rearranging furniture and have done so numerous times in this apartment.  But, the kitchen, with its limited space, three windows and a pantry (in the right far corner not in the picture), has remained as is for seven years.  This has been a teeny thorn in my side and I have spent considerable energy trying to figure out a way we could make a change.

Since we had to empty and move the old fridge out, Cap pounced on the opportunity (while cleaning, he's rock solid, that one) to re-envision the space.  We love how shifting the fridge opens up the space and invites the natural flight to flood in.  (The breakfast bar will slide in and out of its spot as needed.)

I am feeling inspired to do another declutter/reorg of the kitchen.  I may even finally put up some curtains or shades.  I would so love to put a table in there, but there just isn't the space.

For now, I am breathing easy and am very tired.  This morning was a flurry of farmer's market with Kelly followed by chatting with iced coffees followed by clearing out the fridge and freezer and toting bags and bags over to Danielle's basement fridge followed by feeding the kids as the delivery guys arrived.  I ate somewhere in there, but a little too late.  I was a jittery time bomb by the time the fridge was being carried up and had to hide away for some introvert time.

A few asides:

• so great to have friends who bear witness.  Kelly noticed that I have dropped some bulk.  on the advice/directive of the book, I have not weighed myself.  it is notoriously difficult for me to truly see how I appear, so I appreciated the feedback.

• I am thinking of getting a serious haircut but am wondering if my much thinned head of hair will make a good cut too challenging.

• been turned onto a delectable online clothing store.

• love this photo from a 1970 Jet magazine.

• appreciated this piece.  deeply.  considering it.

• this recipe for Primal Thai Beef caught my eye.  bet it would be good with pork or chicken or turkey, too.

• sad but important essay.

Peace and love.

Whole30 :: Day 8

I feel pretty terrible physically (aches and aches and fatigue) and it is affecting my mental/mood state.

Back tomorrow with pretty pics and improved self...I hope.

Peace and love.

Whole30 :: Day 5

Right on schedule, I have been wiped, ache-y and easily irritated/grumpy ("carb-flu").  Yesterday seemed to be the nadir.  I took a shot of my eyes because they reflected how tired I was.  It was interesting to see how much less puffy they looked already.

I felt so crappy on Friday that I canceled my appointment with Vinny...which I have been doing too much of the last couple of months.  My peace offering: pretty Japanese sweets.

I have been sleeping much better.  I think adding a magnesium dose in the evening has helped the kids and me to fall asleep more easily.  (I'd been giving us a half dose in the mornings for a few months now, so it was simple to add in the other half dose in the evening.)  We use this and for the kids I mix it with orange juice after dissolving it in a bit of hot water.

I ran out of food yesterday because I've been so wiped.  I finished the lettuce making this delicious, but protein-less, salad for lunch.  I had a tin of sardines, but did not find the thought of combining them with the peach appetizing.  For breakfast, I'd scrambled three eggs with pesto and enjoyed a side salad with it.

This is one of the challenges of going Paleo, for me.  There is very little "store bought" that is Paleo.  Ultimately, it works well for our household budget and for my overall health, to buy ingredients to make whole food rather than pre-packaged/pre-made food.  But, on days that I am not up for cooking, it can be a drag.  Add on top of that emotional challenges because of hormones or what have you, and it's a perfect storm of being really needy and feeling too bruised to ask for help.

I did manage to ask for help, though, and Cap made me a protein dish and a vegetable dish.  So, for dinner last night and breakfast and lunch today, I have enjoyed the No-Fuss Salmon Cakes from It Starts With Food and baba ganoush (recipe from Well Fed).  It really does taste wonderful to enjoy food a loved one has made for you.  That's love on a plate, right there.

Peace and love.

Fat and happy

My cousin, Koko, took a picture of me at the family wedding we attended in Rhode Island a couple of weekends ago.  I think it perfectly captured my most prevalent recent state: fat and happy.

I've woken from the chaos of Spring and found myself, well, pretty fat and pretty happy.  And sleep deprived.  I am tackling the sleep first.  I know in my bones that until I am consistently getting more sleep, not much else can happen.

How am I doing this?

• watching my caffeine intake/timing.

• going to bed as early as I can (midnight these days...shooting for 10:30/11:00).

• taking my Chinese herbs/practicing Qigong (herbs I am good at, Qigong is still not happening much).

• putting my sleep needs ahead of the kids' and Cap's without totally abandoning them.

For me, being fat/overweight is both a natural and unnatural state.  I identify very much with Oprah in terms of being someone for whom the pendulum between "optimal" weight and "natural" weight swings back and forth frequently...and seemingly without cease.

"Number" weight isn't all encompassing, but I find it a useful way to talk about weight because it is a language easily accessed by most.  I am very physically "dense".  I have no idea whether it's the proverbial "big boned" thing or what, but even at my "thinnest", I've been heavier than anyone would expect.  (For example, fitting into size 4 jeans and weighing 130-something pounds.)

After this Spring I have swung to the heavier side of the spectrum.  172 for anyone keeping track.  (Which, of course, is no one.  That was me being semi-defensive against a random voice in my head.)  Funny story, my eyes are really starting to go (on my third or fourth bi-focal scrip and most people only require two), and for a few days I thought the scale was saying 167.  I'd marveled to Cap that despite a Spring of going off Paleo I'd only gained two pounds.

I have some issues with "looking" fat.  But, as I age, I am finding my focus has shifted less from concern over how I look and more towards how I feel.  There is no denying it.  When I go off the Paleo rails, eventually, I start to feel physically old.  Aches and pains galore flare up and it takes some will not to pop an Advil or two.  I have long (long) flirted along the outskirts of various chronic-type modern maladies: fatigue, anxiety, depression...all of these settle down on me quite firmly when I am not eating Paleo.

Actually, depression has not come back easily.  I have been happier in the last year.  I will insert here that the label/diagnosis "depression" has never sat well with me when it came to me.  I know I have "presented" that way a number of times in my adult life, but there was always a small whisper inside that said, "really?"  I never quite believed it.  (I think my mood/energy are affected by various factors including: hormones, chemicals, food, digestion, movement, time outdoors, the weather, the emotional weather around me, sensory input/overload...in a nutshell, my tends-toward-higher sensitivity.)

Anyhoo, this is all to say that I am starting a Whole 30 tomorrow.  I've pulled out my Whole 30 book and some cookbooks.  Our weekly CSA share arrives this evening, tomorrow I will hit the kitchen full force.  I will finish the Whole 30 right before our trip to California...during which time I intend to eat whatever I want...but have fancied ordering my super burrito on a plate sans tortilla...we'll see.

I've also pulled out Master Lu's hormone-free menopause book.  And I have been visualizing a return to the elliptical machine at the Y...waiting for that one to manifest as my sleep makes a firmer, truer shift.  I practiced Qigong a tiny bit this morning.  A re/start.  (Our CSA farmer's report, which was in my inbox this morning, stated that there is no high heat in the longterm forecast after this week till mid-August, which will help get me outdoors for walks around the block...though he also said this current heatwave was not predicted...)

In the meantime, the things I read add nourishment to my moments here on Earth:

• some words from Pema.

• on refrigerator blindness and how to cure it.

• mung bean dosa recipe.  (Gem and Cap loves dosas.)

• and the following, which Ane Axford posted on Facebook.  it's something I've considered for myself but have not been able to successfully integrate.  which has resulted, over and over again, in "avoidance or unhealthy withdrawal".  during this "rebuilding" Summer, I am tossing this idea, a "space of my own", into the mix.

I haven't met an HSP yet who doesn't need a space of their own to be alone in a predictable way. It's important to have your own sacred space with protective boundaries to allow you alone time and solitude when and how you need it. It is important to inform anyone who needs to be informed about what these protective boundaries are so that they can intentionally be observed. This is much different that avoidance or unhealthy withdrawal. This is time with yourself away from stimulation. When your nervous system is always taking in and processing, you need quiet protected space to be with you and you alone. 

We are each different with the time we need and the type of space we need to be alone. Some like the forest or a long walk, others like an altar in a special room in your home. Some like an hour a day and others like a day a week, and some can only get 20 minutes (parents!). Given your lifestyle and your circumstances, imagine what time with yourself would feel good right now where you are. You don't need to get anything new, just arrange what you have in a new way. And, maybe it does feel important to you to get something new. Listen and trust in what your sensitive body tells you when you ask it what all-one time looks like for you. If it feels like a big relaxing sigh and you can breathe easier when you think of it, you have it!

~ Ane Axford

Peace and love.

Pupa

I've entered the next pupa phase.  Gettin' back on the Paleo path.  Today is going to be a quiet day of feeling chemically-induced crappy (this withdrawal is not the hardest its been, but tougher than the last time) and watching episodes of The Newsroom.

We had a lovely time at a family wedding near the water in Rhode Island over the weekend.

I dig this photo evidence: my hair is a hot mess (I believe more and more the plucking is due to peri/menopausal hormonal/chemical shifts), my body is like sausage...but I am radiating positive vibration.  My smile comes from a deeper well of contentment than a year ago.  I am part of this unified, happy and playful family.  The Spring was so chaotic...something inside me unstoppably tuned into the churning energies of new life and growth, of spinning momentum.  I feel I have been released into Summer.  There is relief (presently ironic given how much I have historically hated the type of hot and humid weather we have had for weeks), there is a blinking-into-light-like-a-mole, there is serenity.

I read Beautiful Ruins.  Loved the first half and the ending, felt it was kind of meh in between.  An entertaining and fast summer read, though, if you are looking for fiction.  A lot of people loved this book.  Maybe you will, too.

I am feeling like I have my Reader back with InoReader.  Here are some recent bits which resonated:

• What's In Prince's Fridge?

• Gluten-Free Goddess talking about FODMAPs and probiotics

• a recipe for dark chocolate truffles grain-free, vegan, sweetened with honey and stevia

• perhaps the most succinct clarion call I have ever seen regarding the lunacy of war and the lives and deaths of American soldiers

• I love this guy's writing...honest and vulnerable, thoughtful and intelligent

I leave you with my latest iTunes purchase...peace and love, people!

Quipping

Coming to you from...

...the keys of my new Air-y Apple gadget

...the throes of middle-aged menopausal "fat-fuzzy-frazzled" miasma

...super mugginess and daily flash flood warnings

...more sleep deprivation

...explaining, not complaining...as you can see, I am still here...somewhat upright and kind of smiling.

Thinking about this summer season as a time of tackling some niggling things off my life list (mundane and not-so-mundane...but mostly mundane):

• tap dancing

• finishing the lap blanket that has been unknit for nearly two years now

• my Superhero Lunchbox

• homeschool planning

• writing a household budget

• getting back to reading

• getting back to writing

Gawd.  Making the above list is enough to send me crawling back beneath the nearest rock.  It's all a bit overwhelming these days.  (We also have vacationing in MA and CA planned for August.)

Anyhoo, here are a few things to read and listen to:

• a piece about food and Boston

• a yummy sounding egg bake recipe

• a bittersweet rumination of life's twists

• a song I have long loved not knowing it was a COVER. loving up the original.

Peace and love.