Paring down to simple

I was pleased that we made it through the week without dipping into our savings account.  Yesterday, mostly because we had barely anything typically breakfast-y left in the fridge and pantry and partly because "daddy got paid", the kids and I went out for breakfast.  (Cap opted to catch a few more winks.)  I had some coffee with cream and a quintessential Garden State breakfast sammie: Taylor ham, scrambled egg, jack cheese on a buttermilk biscuit.  'Twas yummy.

The kids and I chewed on thoughts and ideas, as well as, food.  Sag shared some memories of preschool.  Gem recounted something he read recently about how children have friends of both genders till about age 3 and how after that, we humans tend to make friends of the same gender.  I did a mini-lesson on economics, comparing different activities/things we buy/do that cost the equivalent of what our breakfast tab was.

The depressive state of earlier in the week has given way to something hard to describe...I'll call it muddle-brained...with emotional spikes.  All chemical, all the current soup of perimenopause + the season.  All ephemeral...if not in the actual how it feels, certainly in its inevitable passing on.  I saw Vinny (after a brief break during which he traveled to the Grand Canyon for the first time) and that always helps.  He gave me some new herbs to hone in a tiny cough that has developed inside me.  I also picked up some vitamin D + fish oil and evening primrose + flaxseed oil.  Vitamin D and evening primrose are mood supporters.

It's hard not to think about the level of dismantling I am doing to my days as a devolution.  As regressive, as backwards.  The reality is that reality is very much shaped by perception.  Think about this linearly and I get one thing, think about it non-linearly and I get another.  Honestly, I am not thinking about it that much, at all.  (Which I actually think is a positive.)

I have noticed I am happier out of the apartment, possibly because the apartment is physically harder to be in than usual (the dust factor, which is fairly high already has been exponentialized by my system reacting to the seasonal mold outdoors, ironically).

On my mind:

• what will I read next?

• $10 lunch special with my sweetie

• The Oranges (which we watched last night and I have mixed feelings about)

• if you can believe it, knitting

• Qigong, walking, the Y, tap...I am at the nexus of "barely"

• the seeming black hole of budgeting/financial competence

• becoming more one with the Dragon as we head into the final two weeks of class

Peace and love and keeping it real and simple.

Day of the dead

I do not celebrate Day of the Dead.  But, I woke up feeling half dead.  Actually, I went to bed last night feeling half dead already.  I decided not to set my alarm, to let myself sleep in.  And I did.

And what the frak, weather?  We have a low pressure system hovering and Gem and I have been feeling the doom and gloom of it.  The windows are open for the high of 70º.  On November 1.

They say holidays can trigger anxiety/depression because of unresolved emotional issues which have gone psychologically awry.  I guess maybe Halloween is one such trigger, for me.  I certainly have had mixed emotions about it as an adult and parent.

We have missed two Halloweens in a row due to severe storms...then this year, the kids' longtime trick-or-treating partner decided he was no longer interested in going.  The kids decided not to go trick-or-treating, but late yesterday afternoon we received a query about going, from another good friend, and they changed their minds.  Sag dressed as a hobbit (what Gem went as last year very belatedly once the town deemed it safe post-Sandy) and Gem dressed as a birdwatcher.

They had a good time, overall, but received a couple of negative comments about being "too old" and, I kid you not, "pathetic".  (Apparently the person who called them pathetic was "joking" and Gem did not take it personally...but, Sag, who has a very tender heart and, at 11, is still very much a kid, found these attitudes/words hurtful and confusing.)  No one refused them candy, though, and once they returned home, they ate sweets and snuggled in bed with America's Funniest Home Videos, and had a grand time.

I, was pissed.  And though I try to keep my Facebook complaint-free, I brought my feelings to my tribe over there and the ensuing conversation, which drew friends from many areas of my life, helped me see the bigger picture and showered me with warm words of support.

Parenting kids through seasonal events, like most things, is a mixed bag.  There are the many positives which come from sharing and co-creating a history over years...but nothing stays the same and change can bring with it new and unexpected challenges.

When I was their age, trick-or-treating became less fun because of the neighborhood hooligans who ran about chucking eggs at innocent bystanders and rumors of Nair flinging.  I had quite a primal reaction to the kids' first brush with (Halloween related) "loss of innocence" when my own memories and stored emotions came flooding back (were these unresolved feelings?  I don't know.)

Sleep, weather fronts moving on, and big mugs of Irish Breakfast tea with honey and cream all help.  And I am feeling much better now.

My most pressing concern of the moment is tackling our money situation.  I am feeling quite compelled to "zero sum" the next week.  We have less than what we typically spend for a week's groceries left in the account.  Can we get to next Friday without dipping into savings?

Stay tuned.

Peace and love.

Now what

Well, the Whole30 kinda sorta petered out.

This blog piece brought me close to tears this morning because a) I didn't realize how alone I felt in dealing with myself the last few days and it made me realize I was not alone; and b) I have been off-kilter, including emotionally, and the tears have been swirling just below the surface.

Melissa's voice and approach is very clear and black/white.  While I appreciate the clarity, the black/white rubs me uncomfortable sometimes.  But, man, was I ever glad to come across this today.  This paragraph is exactly what I experienced going away for five days and coming home:

Coming home, however, can be tough. You’re still tired from travel, you’re still in the mindset of treating yourself, and the Sugar Dragon is rearing his ugly head, thanks to the indulgences you’ve fed him while on the road. So what are your options? Ease back into a healthy routine with some less bad indulgences, as you’ve been doing… which hasn’t been working, and makes you unhappy. Or go cold-turkey back into a Whole30 when you get home, which may feel like a “punishment” for enjoying yourself while traveling—a very unhealthy mindset, and one we do not encourage.

I have been doing the former.  The tiredness post-travel has been unexpected (because I wasn't tired while I was away) and significant.  Between that and the Sugar Dragon being awoken, I was eating GF bread here and brown rice wraps there (as well as, commercially made mayo, Kerrygold butter and cheese) and not feeling happy.  My belly has been bloated, my nerves have been shot, and this morning, my stomach hurt when I woke up, which had completely gone away during the Whole30.  On top of it all, what I was eating didn't even taste good.  My palate/body has become very discriminating and anything processed (like the GF bread, the mayo and the shredded cheese) has little to no flavor, weird texture, and lands with an almost literal thud into my stomach.

Of course, my sleep issues have an impact.  The night before we left MA I had insomnia (I did continue magnesium while we were away, but I was drinking coffee again, rather than black tea, and also consuming foods with sugar in them) and so I came home sleep deprived.  I can see how sleep deprivation and inflammatory eating can and do feed and fuel each other.

What you don’t do is eat the bread, drink the wine, or order dessert because you’re tired, hungry, under-slept, and miss your husband/dog/own bed. You don’t ever, ever do that. And if you catch yourself trying to do that, use the last three years of experience to stop yourself in your tracks and say to yourself, “This is not a good enough reason to eat something that makes me less healthy.”

Now, I know.  And this has helped me change my outlook about going away again next week, for longer, from anxious dread to expansive optimism.

Eating while away will require energy and commitment.  Yes, it will be tricky preparing food, planning food, eating food whilst using the kitchens of friends and being out and about in different cities.  And carting a GFCF kid along (family vacation!)  But, this is my life, this is less of a challenge (since I have been doing this for awhile now albeit mostly at home and on again/off again) and more of a...what?  I don't know what to call it, other than my life.

My first meal came very late in the day, today.  I got caught up in going through the 500+ items in my Reader.  (I have been quite out of it.)  It was worth it because there was some good stuff embedded amongst the Onion and TLo funnies.  Like the piece above.

When I was ready to set my mind to eating, it was, once again, a no brainer.  Cherry tomatoes sautéed in olive oil, seasoned with salt and pepper, a dollop of defrosted basil pesto stirred in, scrambled with three pastured eggs.  Ahhh.  Flavor and texture: present and wonderfully accounted for.  Magnesium supplement in one mug, English Breakfast tea with wildflower honey in another.

I finished Aisha Tyler's book yesterday (loved it) and started both Chris Kluwe's and Ahmir Thompson's (Questlove).  Kluwe's book is a pick it up now and then book, for me.  It's more essay collection than memoir.  I am hoping to dig deeper into Questlove's memoir today.  As ever, there is some paperwork that needs attending to and organizing/cleaning to be done.  I am a little less tired than I have been, but still tired.

Off to practice some Qigong and then see where the rest of the day takes me.

Peace and love.

Whole30 :: Day 29

Aaargh.

Second night in three of insomnia and not falling asleep till 4am.

Beautiful northern breezes chilling things down.

Appetite/food consumption is all out of whack.  Interesting near total disintegration post-time away.

Nice walk over to Kate's with Gem and Finn.  Gem is feeding Bob the cat and spritzing the ferns until we leave for Cali next week.

Cap and I growled at each other this morning.  We are in need of some recharging time together.

Sag slept in his own bed, all night, last night!

very quiet at the polling place yesterday (special primary for state senator).

he is settling in.  he is very attached to his parents.

inspired by the post of a high school friend on Facebook.  if ever there was a time to have a tomato mayo sandwich, the time is now.  but, I tell you, the bread is just not as tasty as I think it will be, the tomatoes, on the other hand, luscious.

I am feeling a bit overwhelmed.  I have so much to read and lack the attention span.  I have so much to organize and lack the oomph.  (New cookbook alert!  Three "new" books out from the library!  Paperwork galore!)

It will be a quiet day today, dry, sunny and breezy, it's all good, really.  Keep on truckin'.

Peace and love.

Whole30 :: Day 14

Bumpy day mood-wise.  Mostly feeling blue.  Fell asleep late, woke up late, behind the eight ball getting into the kitchen followed by deep wariness due to memories of last night's trauma involving flies gathering there, à la The Birds.

But, there were no flies this morning (my duct tape sealing job worked, it seems), and, in fact, today there is a wonderful breeze and I loved not having the air conditioner on.

I made a pot of chocolate chili using ground turkey.  Cap doesn't eat red meat and he likes chili, so I decided to give it a whirl.  Preparing the chili was therapeutic.  I felt much, much better when I was done.

I have been loving up our wooden spoon lately.  Just noticing how beautiful it is in its well-seasoned age.  Appreciating the gestalt of the moment when I reach for it in order to stir whatever ingredients have been assembled in a pot, awaiting alchemy.  I love this spoon.  I don't remember where we got it.  Maybe Tags in Porter Square.

After lunch (the Primal Thai Beef still delicious on day three), I gave the inside of the fridge a once over since Cap will be coming home later with our CSA share.  I pulled out the lamb I made yesterday.  It was not tasty last night (Gem did not care for it, either).  It was still not tasty this morning when I choked it down with some baba ganoush and sauerkraut.  I was loathe to throw it away and was wondering what to do with it...when Sag hit upon some unintentional inspiration.  He suggested making Rogan Josh (he thought there was still uncooked lamb) and I realized I could easily attempt a lamb 2.0.  So, I picked out as much of the rosemary needles as I could and placed the lamb in a pot with a tablespoon of Rogan Josh spice mix and a can of coconut milk.  It is now simmering on the stove alongside the turkey chili.  Fingers crossed.

Peace and love.

P.S.  Thank you to Sue, for the comment about my cooking creativity.  I don't think of my kitchen activity in that way and appreciated the perspective.  Funnily, today, I did feel like I used some creativity to turn the lamb around.

Whole30 :: Day 8

I feel pretty terrible physically (aches and aches and fatigue) and it is affecting my mental/mood state.

Back tomorrow with pretty pics and improved self...I hope.

Peace and love.

Whole30 :: Day 7

Okay, honestly, who saw this coming?

I got my period this morning.

Clearly, my menses will always, always get the better of me, when it comes to the PMS blinders.  It's the nature of the she-beast, though, no?  Like this cycle, I have never been able to get past thinking/feeling "well, maybe it's PMS".  I have never been able to know that's what it is and settle down rather than shriek or feel desolate.

This time, my mind played a trick on me and I lost a week.  So, even though last Friday was the 28th day since my last period (and I was very regular for years), I very much thought my period wasn't due till this weekend.  Hence, not being sure of the PMS because the timing was a bit off.

Even though I knew it might be PMS, and even though I informed Cap of this, when I am in the throes, nothing is enough.  The nature of my she-beast.

I woke up this morning and my stomach/gut ached for the first time in a couple of days (a "symptom" the switch to Paleo had already begun to smooth out) and when I stepped out of bed, my feet were stiff and ache-y (another "symptom" that has come and gone over the past few years that had recently been gone).  I wondered what the heck was going on...till I went to the bathroom.

My mind feels pretty clear (yay!), but the de rigueur wiped out mantle is heavy on my shoulders.  It's okay, though, because rather than feeling/being mired in overwhelmed as I have been the past couple of days, I know in my bones that this is a brief way station on my path to well-being.

I made some mayo this morning while the kids ate breakfast (Gem held the bowl for me while I whisked, whisked, whisked).

And, though all I wanted was a cookie or two with my iced coffee, I forced myself to eat some protein, instead. On my way to the trashcan to chuck the last of the spurned home fries, I was overtaken by the desire not to waste food and tossed them, instead, into my favorite bowl with some mayo and pesto and hard-boiled eggs.  (Notice how different the color of the yolk is?  Anthony's hens have been suffering from the heat, too!  The eggs are smaller and the yolks nowhere near their usual orange when cooked.)

Peace and love.

Whole30 :: Day 6 addendum

My mood has been spike-y.  I feel fine then suddenly very grumpy.  Disproportionate, to the moment occurring outside of myself, but perfectly in alignment with what is going on inside.  This transition time of chemical re/calibration is possibly bumping up against a PMS time.

I feel getting some movement into my routine would help...more and more with each passing day.  But, it's hard to catch the rhythm when my sleep is still bumpy (tonight, again with the insomnia) and it's so not my weather outside.

I cried tonight, though, which was a little challenging (I was inhibited by a) wanting to not wake/shake up the kids; and b) wanting to not draw Cap out/back since he was retiring from a long and tiring day), but distinctly cleansing and restorative.  I thunk some thoughts during the cry, but in retrospect, see that the act released tension that had been building internally...and those thoughts that felt real and significant, at the time, feel much less so now.  Much.

It's interesting, really.  My instinct to not bother, though true, was enfolded in the benefit of not being bothered, as well.  Although my instinctual desire for comfort, while crying, was bald and raw, having someone else there would likely have interrupted and muddled the process.  A wrench, though a tool, is not always the fix.

Whole30 :: Day 5

Right on schedule, I have been wiped, ache-y and easily irritated/grumpy ("carb-flu").  Yesterday seemed to be the nadir.  I took a shot of my eyes because they reflected how tired I was.  It was interesting to see how much less puffy they looked already.

I felt so crappy on Friday that I canceled my appointment with Vinny...which I have been doing too much of the last couple of months.  My peace offering: pretty Japanese sweets.

I have been sleeping much better.  I think adding a magnesium dose in the evening has helped the kids and me to fall asleep more easily.  (I'd been giving us a half dose in the mornings for a few months now, so it was simple to add in the other half dose in the evening.)  We use this and for the kids I mix it with orange juice after dissolving it in a bit of hot water.

I ran out of food yesterday because I've been so wiped.  I finished the lettuce making this delicious, but protein-less, salad for lunch.  I had a tin of sardines, but did not find the thought of combining them with the peach appetizing.  For breakfast, I'd scrambled three eggs with pesto and enjoyed a side salad with it.

This is one of the challenges of going Paleo, for me.  There is very little "store bought" that is Paleo.  Ultimately, it works well for our household budget and for my overall health, to buy ingredients to make whole food rather than pre-packaged/pre-made food.  But, on days that I am not up for cooking, it can be a drag.  Add on top of that emotional challenges because of hormones or what have you, and it's a perfect storm of being really needy and feeling too bruised to ask for help.

I did manage to ask for help, though, and Cap made me a protein dish and a vegetable dish.  So, for dinner last night and breakfast and lunch today, I have enjoyed the No-Fuss Salmon Cakes from It Starts With Food and baba ganoush (recipe from Well Fed).  It really does taste wonderful to enjoy food a loved one has made for you.  That's love on a plate, right there.

Peace and love.

Whole30 :: Day 1

I woke in a mood, felt better after playing in the kitchen, then shot back into a mood trying to figure something out with Cap on the phone (some day I would be interested in reading about communication amongst longterm couples...or...communication amongst women experiencing chemical/hormonal swings).

Doing a Whole30 is going to put me "in a mood" at least a few more times.  Please send Cap and the kids hugs.

The kids are fighting something.  They are both tired.  We have spent a lot of time indoors, which is largely my fault.  I am looking forward to this heat wave breaking so we can get out in the sun.

This one received a punishment for kicking his brother a couple of days ago.  When he can't Minecraft/YouTube, he draws.  (His brother received a punishment this morning for waking his mother up when it wasn't an emergency.  Dudes, when it comes to my sleep, it is on!)

Things are shifting with Gem entering adolescence.  There is conflict between these two in new ways.  Growing pains.  But, togetherness remains.  (Sag has taken to asking Gem to help him with his vision therapy exercises.)

Some of the yummies from our CSA share this week...pondering peach and apricot recipes that do not include sugar...the super bunch of basil became a boatload of pesto (shared with a friend, I am the only pesto lover in my family)...the lettuces, so tender and happy-making...look at that chard, how utterly gorgeous...the sweet onion and cucumbers and parsley were perfect for the creamy cucumber salad from Well Fed...

I skimmed the later chapters of It Starts With Food yesterday and am glad I did.  There were useful reminders of concrete aspects of the process (as opposed to the scientific applications/theories which I think they do a good job of summarizing in the earlier chapters), some of which have already come up on Day 1.

Eat three meals (no snacking for someone like me who is not active), think of the meals as Meal 1/Meal 2/Meal 3 to disengage from pre-conceived notions of breakfast/lunch/dinner, eat minimum servings of protein/vegetable/fats, and eat even if not feeling particularly hungry.

The above is today's lunch.  A palm-size serving of protein, the rest of the plate full of veg, with the avocado doing double duty as a fat.  (There is also avocado oil mayo in the cucumber salad.)  I was not hungry, but remembered Melissa and Dallas' words, so fixed up a plate of food right nice.

(Breakfast was a disaster.  I ate a cold, half-assed portion of Japanese-style thin sliced pork sautéed with scallion, garlic and olive oil leftover from last night...while standing and moving around the kitchen getting the kids' breakfasts...inhaling.  Melissa and Dallas talk about that, too.  Sitting down to eat, relaxing and chewing slowly...contemplating...nourishing.)

I was fascinated because though I was not feeling hungry, I had no trouble eating and enjoying my lunch.  About 90 minutes after I ate, I regretted not putting more of the cucumber salad on my plate.  I was hungry!

Baba ganoush is on deck (pondering halving the recipe or buying another eggplant...if I wait till Saturday I can buy another just like it from Farmer John) and there is a gorgeous cabbage to contemplate.

Life is good...but, of course, it's not, in many ways.  I have been feeling sad, angry, and close to hopeless after the Zimmerman verdict.  This piece and this piece have been standouts for me...have helped me process and contextualize and feel grateful for our capacities to communicate, connect and add meaning to our shared co-existence, to our spiritual collective.

I am finding that David Lebovitz's recipes/writing are a balm.  They consistently give me a lift.  Our very short local cherry season has come to a close, but this recipe for Cherry Mess caught my eye.  I am clipping it to Evernote (just created a CSA recipes folder) for consideration in 2014.

I recently started subscribing to the 101 Cookbooks feed and was rewarded this morning with an intriguing sounding combination of ingredients: coconut oil, avocado, toasted macadamia nuts and squash blossoms!  Very Paleo.

Last thing I'll leave you with is a made-for-Netflix show that is big on my radar: Orange Is The New Black.  I plan on starting it soon.

Peace and love.

Fat and happy

My cousin, Koko, took a picture of me at the family wedding we attended in Rhode Island a couple of weekends ago.  I think it perfectly captured my most prevalent recent state: fat and happy.

I've woken from the chaos of Spring and found myself, well, pretty fat and pretty happy.  And sleep deprived.  I am tackling the sleep first.  I know in my bones that until I am consistently getting more sleep, not much else can happen.

How am I doing this?

• watching my caffeine intake/timing.

• going to bed as early as I can (midnight these days...shooting for 10:30/11:00).

• taking my Chinese herbs/practicing Qigong (herbs I am good at, Qigong is still not happening much).

• putting my sleep needs ahead of the kids' and Cap's without totally abandoning them.

For me, being fat/overweight is both a natural and unnatural state.  I identify very much with Oprah in terms of being someone for whom the pendulum between "optimal" weight and "natural" weight swings back and forth frequently...and seemingly without cease.

"Number" weight isn't all encompassing, but I find it a useful way to talk about weight because it is a language easily accessed by most.  I am very physically "dense".  I have no idea whether it's the proverbial "big boned" thing or what, but even at my "thinnest", I've been heavier than anyone would expect.  (For example, fitting into size 4 jeans and weighing 130-something pounds.)

After this Spring I have swung to the heavier side of the spectrum.  172 for anyone keeping track.  (Which, of course, is no one.  That was me being semi-defensive against a random voice in my head.)  Funny story, my eyes are really starting to go (on my third or fourth bi-focal scrip and most people only require two), and for a few days I thought the scale was saying 167.  I'd marveled to Cap that despite a Spring of going off Paleo I'd only gained two pounds.

I have some issues with "looking" fat.  But, as I age, I am finding my focus has shifted less from concern over how I look and more towards how I feel.  There is no denying it.  When I go off the Paleo rails, eventually, I start to feel physically old.  Aches and pains galore flare up and it takes some will not to pop an Advil or two.  I have long (long) flirted along the outskirts of various chronic-type modern maladies: fatigue, anxiety, depression...all of these settle down on me quite firmly when I am not eating Paleo.

Actually, depression has not come back easily.  I have been happier in the last year.  I will insert here that the label/diagnosis "depression" has never sat well with me when it came to me.  I know I have "presented" that way a number of times in my adult life, but there was always a small whisper inside that said, "really?"  I never quite believed it.  (I think my mood/energy are affected by various factors including: hormones, chemicals, food, digestion, movement, time outdoors, the weather, the emotional weather around me, sensory input/overload...in a nutshell, my tends-toward-higher sensitivity.)

Anyhoo, this is all to say that I am starting a Whole 30 tomorrow.  I've pulled out my Whole 30 book and some cookbooks.  Our weekly CSA share arrives this evening, tomorrow I will hit the kitchen full force.  I will finish the Whole 30 right before our trip to California...during which time I intend to eat whatever I want...but have fancied ordering my super burrito on a plate sans tortilla...we'll see.

I've also pulled out Master Lu's hormone-free menopause book.  And I have been visualizing a return to the elliptical machine at the Y...waiting for that one to manifest as my sleep makes a firmer, truer shift.  I practiced Qigong a tiny bit this morning.  A re/start.  (Our CSA farmer's report, which was in my inbox this morning, stated that there is no high heat in the longterm forecast after this week till mid-August, which will help get me outdoors for walks around the block...though he also said this current heatwave was not predicted...)

In the meantime, the things I read add nourishment to my moments here on Earth:

• some words from Pema.

• on refrigerator blindness and how to cure it.

• mung bean dosa recipe.  (Gem and Cap loves dosas.)

• and the following, which Ane Axford posted on Facebook.  it's something I've considered for myself but have not been able to successfully integrate.  which has resulted, over and over again, in "avoidance or unhealthy withdrawal".  during this "rebuilding" Summer, I am tossing this idea, a "space of my own", into the mix.

I haven't met an HSP yet who doesn't need a space of their own to be alone in a predictable way. It's important to have your own sacred space with protective boundaries to allow you alone time and solitude when and how you need it. It is important to inform anyone who needs to be informed about what these protective boundaries are so that they can intentionally be observed. This is much different that avoidance or unhealthy withdrawal. This is time with yourself away from stimulation. When your nervous system is always taking in and processing, you need quiet protected space to be with you and you alone. 

We are each different with the time we need and the type of space we need to be alone. Some like the forest or a long walk, others like an altar in a special room in your home. Some like an hour a day and others like a day a week, and some can only get 20 minutes (parents!). Given your lifestyle and your circumstances, imagine what time with yourself would feel good right now where you are. You don't need to get anything new, just arrange what you have in a new way. And, maybe it does feel important to you to get something new. Listen and trust in what your sensitive body tells you when you ask it what all-one time looks like for you. If it feels like a big relaxing sigh and you can breathe easier when you think of it, you have it!

~ Ane Axford

Peace and love.

Photofall

Another photo "fall" (like waterfall)...random order computer generated.

We have had tiny pockets of warmer temps here and there, but the trees are still quite bare.  I am happier for the longer days, but do love a shot of stark branches against sky.

Cap records and then watches Japanese programming late at night after the rest of us have gone to bed.  So when one of the rest of us turns the tv on the next day, we sometimes catch a glimpse of Japan.  This program brought my paternal grandfather rushing back into my consciousness.  Not only was he a lover of classical music, but in the years preceding his passing, he would often while away the time watching classical concerts on NHK on his widescreen.

Last week, Cap and I met my sister and her one and only for dinner in the city.  The hellish two hour trip in was well worth the precious time communing over one of the few cuisines we can't enjoy in our restaurant haven of a town.  (Our trip home?  Under thirty minutes.)

Snow in March.  Again.  For Cap and me it's a lovely reminder of the day in 2001, another snowy March one, that we discovered we were pregnant with Sag (which felt as wondrous as the "spring" flurries).

Windows.  At the library.  Shot during a leisurely Sunday lunch with my sweetie.

There is something eternally yummy about seeing a kid read while walking.

We had lunch and hung out with my dad and then he stayed with the kids while we went into the city to have dinner with my sister and Mike.  The kids were happy to have time with their granddad.

Endorphin face.  Did the elliptical with Danielle this week.

Leo and me.  He turned four in January and is less and less a "little" boy every time I see him.

The mystique of the red velvet cupcake.  I get it...and I don't.  This one was delicious.

Snow again.  This was shot at night out a front window.

I have a thing for window seats.  Since I was a little girl and wanted one so bad.  I have created them ever since, in every space I could.

This morning we celebrated Gem's name day.  It was delicious.

This afternoon, while Sag and Cap were at gymnastics, Gem and I hit the library.  He needed books about potatoes for his latest research project.  He found others, as well.

My breakfast plate this morning was a veritable United Nations: Ethiopian coffee, Irish butter, and Finnish cardamom bread.  Yum.

When my favorite eatery moved from its cozy and seemingly perfect original location to the café space in the library a couple of years ago, I thought it was a death knell of sorts.  I have been so pleasantly surprised by how they have transformed this institutional space into a warm and welcoming haven.  Not only have I continued my patronage, but I do believe I drop by even more.

Striving to get more veggies back into the rotation post-GI bug recovery.  A duo of bacon: Brussels sprouts with kimchi and roasted broccoli with garlic.

Another shot from the library.  This place is the source of such varied inspiration.  I love it.  I call this one: Twenty Face.

Peace and love.

Friday's child

Oh, hormones.  Oh, womanly wiring.  Oh, menopause.  I've been gettin' the blues and it's taking my breath away.  I have felt humbled.  And feel so lucky.  There are so very many of us whose lives and well beings are crippled by powerful and uncontrollable chemical imbalances.  What we call anxiety, depression, etc.  I'd honestly forgotten how intensely bad it can feel (and I've never been to the point of needing medication).

I spent the afternoon with Cap which is always grounding.  We ran an errand that was over a year in the making and then were brutalized by Whole Paycheck.  (We are going to try doing the weekly food shopping at Trader Joe's next week.)

By the time we'd picked up the kids and the groceries were put away, the last thing I wanted to do was make meatballs.  But, the ground lamb really needed to be cooked, which got my butt in gear.  I decided to simplify a logistical aspect of the recipe (the recipe is fantastic and simple) and rather than baking them on a greased wire rack over a foil-lined baking sheet, I baked them right on the sheet (verdict: virtually no difference in the quality of the meatball).

I am so glad I made the meatballs.  I had a serving with roasted broccoli and roasted plum tomato.  It was a truly comforting winter warmer kind of meal.  I am feeling much better, the emotional jag has passed.

I've been enjoying a new show called The Americans.  Alongside the other new show I like, Nashville.  Here are some songs which have tickled my eardrums thanks to the shows...

Peace and love.

Tuesday turn

It's been a strange day.  And I am tempted to leave you with a strange photo I took today.  To unleash any and all connect-the-dots that can happen.

• woke feeling flat and almost surly...surly without the teeth.  would have been happy to pull the covers over my head and stay in bed.

• saved by a text asking if I wanted to go to the mall.  I almost never want to go to the mall, but it was a perfect way to get out of the house and my mood.

• Ellie is turning six this week.  one of our all-time favorite books is, horrors, out of print, so I decided to go in another direction.  the mall is a good place to get some shopping done for a little who loves to get her girl on.  

• had a bit of an adventure going to a David's Cookies outlet in Fairfield (hence the photo) and inhaling nostalgic bakery aromas and receiving such open generosity of spirit from factory workers fielding my unusual request.  (I was lucky, and was able to get what I wanted by chance.)

• went to Vinny's, which was great as always.  discovered that I have been consuming cane sugar this whole time I thought I wasn't because the Magic Ginger contains it but it was not listed on the label.  O.o  the new label lists it plain as day.

• instant food for thought.  clearly, my system is not as addicted to sugar as I thought.  many of what I consider my "bad" food/eating habits decreased during the last six weeks and I was, as it turns out, incorrectly attributing some of that to cutting out cane sugar.

• I was also attributing my stomach/GI issues of the last month to having cut sugar out of my diet.  wrong.

• I am sticking to the TCM herbs and teas.  I know they help, my faith in them is true.  I am continuing to live essentially grain-free and sugar-free except for the odd times they are part of my TCM treatment (one of the herbs I am taking right now contains barley).

• I've told Cap to not kill himself looking for dark chocolate with zero sugar added for my Valentine treats.

• I treated myself and the kids to an easy dinner, going off budget/protocol.  they chose hotdogs over steak and savored some tater tots.  I chose steak.

• my session with Vinny really helped turn my day around.  one of the things we talked about was just being happy.  for most of us, it is very possible...very much within our reach, to live happier.  yet it is hard to do/maintain.  there isn't a magic formula, but planting the seed in our minds, in our belief systems is a place to start.  let it be our mantra: do what makes me happy.  be happy.

Peace and love.

P.S.  Still no Aunt Flo.  Vinny thinks she's coming.  I have my doubts.