The sun goes down

Good night xo

Sand in my eyes

Last night I turned the tv off at 12:30ish.

(It is the annual time to dial back on the number of shows I record/watch...so much light, so little time to sit in the dark and stare at the colorful box.)

I went to check my e-mail one last time before shutting the computer down and ended up going to bed at near 2am.

Facebook is starting to bug me. They're changing things up and have removed the kid gloves. I've been streamlining my account for a few weeks now, and tinkered with it some more last night. I am considering deactivating my account altogether. It's becoming more and more challenging to maintain the level of privacy and control that I want over how my information is "shared" by them.

I'm not surprised. The internet can be wonderful, but in a capitalist society like ours, the "haves" are hell bent on making a buck and low on human goodness as a practice.

Completely changing the topic, the full moon has been wreaking a bit of havoc on my rhythm. I've been wanting and eating rich and sugary foods and eating more than Dragon portions/frequency.

I'm realizing that my ADDness has also spiked, seemingly concurrently. Interesting.

Also interesting is my growing awareness of how (bordering on highly) sensitive I am. It's hard not to wish sometimes that I could face natural and normal fluctuations of the lunar cycle, my reproductive cycle, the weather, etc. with less reaction, with less reverberations on my energy and my mood.

• Cutting back on tv.
• Going to bed earlier.

Keeping it simple, keeping it small, going with the flow.

Dragon dinner

Cauliflower, mushrooms, water chestnuts, garlic, ginger, salt, sugar, coconut aminos and safflower oil.

Yum.

Morning riches

I posted about my zucchini walnut stir fry over at One Year Four Seasons this morning. Some more Dragon's Way unfolding...

Ear-y

I was chillaxin' watching some tv tonight. After awhile I instinctively began massaging my arms. They've been tight for the past few months. Probably related to my use of the computer mouse, but that doesn't explain all of it...at least the timing doesn't quite fit.

Naturally, as I worked my way up and down my arms, my fingers migrated to my shoulders and neck, and then to my fingers. Working on my fingers felt amazing. I could feel blockages clearing out as some of my fingertips hummed and buzzed, felt numb and then clear. Wow.

Them somehow, my fingers knew to head up to my ears. Oh. My. God. I know the ears are a very good and critical body part to massage. But, I often forget. There were many spots on my ears that were "tight". It was incredibly painful, and relieving, to work along the outer curve of each ear. Slowly, lingering on the painful spots, helping stagnant energy move.

Ouch. It really hurt.

Someone once told me that this outer curve of the ear can be reimagined as the spine. Using this information, I realized that, especially on the left side, the section which felt like it might correspond to my 'female plumbing' was fiercely, rock hard. Mad about not being pregnant and holding a grudge big time?

Once I was done, I felt so much better. Calmer, happier, more alert, warm. My gut is gurgling away as energy releases and courses through.

Thanks, fingers...and intuition, I really needed that.

More Dragon notes

"Week 3 is almost always a pivotal week for The Dragon's Way. This is when a number of things can start to change---your emotions, your eating habits and your desires, and for many people, the body itself...Congratulate yourself. Your body is literally beginning to "wake up". It's very important to conserve your awakening Qi for healing...at this time...Be kind to yourself and rest as much as you possibly can during The Dragon's Way...Try to understand that healing yourself is the most important activity you can do. Then believe it."

I read these words yesterday (I haven't been reading and/or thinking about what I read, from the Dragon's Way book or from any of my current books, nearly as much as I want to be doing these days) and it made me pause.

I'm supposed to be resting?

resting. yes.

My energy really dipped today. I think it was mainly hormonal. But, I also haven't made an 'ADD' agenda for two days in a row now. What's that about? I don't know. I've been on track generally, basically have more to do than can fit on a day's list... In a way, I feel like I've focused on the things I haven't gotten to in awhile, the past two days.

Today, I baked bread and made soup. I caught up on blogging, on the homeschooling blog in particular. I made an appointment for Gem and took him to see Vinny this afternoon because he's under the weather. I listened to the kids' many piano compositions. Kept up with the dishes in the sink. Managed to shower. Did not impulsively go out to sushi with the kids (Vinny mentioned a place he liked and, believe me, Gem and I were ready to drive right on over...and Sag would have had us continuing onto the Lego store where the double VIP points period on Prince of Persia sets ends Friday!!!)

Blah blah blah.

Gem and I watched a movie after we got home. I wanted to do something quiet with him.

While making dinner (we skipped common meal due to Gem's cold) I thought about 'retreating' without really going anywhere. Resting and staying quiet for the next three weeks plus and delving deeper into this program and practice.

Yes, it's a challenge to balance this with homeschooling two kids (aka being with the kids nearly 24/7) and being a full-time homemaker (not an inherent talent, I'm afraid). But, if not now when? If not when I choose to do so, then when?

Hear me roar

The delight of ovulation has turned sour. (Seriously, in the last couple of years proof of TCM healing in my body has been evidenced by the way it practically sings during ovulation.)

It is as if my body is pissed that it's not pregnant. Pissed at me.

I've long felt PMSy around mid-cycle, and this afternoon I had some clarity around how I feel and why my body might feel this way.

What's been happening:

• ate a bar of dark chocolate in a 24 hour period.
• craving animal protein.
• feel knocked down tired.
• carbs, carbs, carbs.
• a bit edgy with the man.

Keeping track of the cycle does have its advantages.

Ponyo

I watched Ponyo today. It was pretty great. Sag walked in and out, Gem pretty much watched the whole thing. Neither child insisted on the dubbed version so I watched it in Japanese with English subtitles.

Gem and I talked about the movie over dinner (we watched it right before dinner). There were a few things he couldn't quite get his head around. It was an interesting conversation.

Ponyo was made by the creator of Tonari No Totoro (My Neighbor Totoro) which was a staple movie in our household when the kids were little (and one we've only ever seen in Japanese).

You can see the official trailer on YouTube here.

When it rains

...it pours.  In what I am now beginning to think of as somewhat ADD fashion, I rode a mood, hyperfocused, and shopped for a bunch of stuff I've wanted/we've needed.

It began at Target.  Danielle, Leo and I drove over this morning.  I like to buy mega packs of big boxes of Kleenex and big boxes of garbage bags and baggies at Target.  So every three months or so, I go to Target.

I usually find other things to buy which is why I don't go more frequently.  The good of it is that you really can find bargains.  The bad of it is that it can be hard to stay focused in a store like that.  ADD heaven...or hell.

I was looking for a Silpat, which they didn't have, but found a Lodge cast iron dutch oven instead.  I've been seriously shopping around for a dutch oven the last couple of years and have been discouraged by how expensive the Le Creuset ones are.  The closest Le Creuset outlet is over an hour away.  If you know me, you know that the fact that I have delayed my dutch oven gratification for this long is...out of character.

We have a Lodge cast iron skillet which we've been very happy with.  Although the dutch oven is not made in the U.S. (as the skillet is), the $60 price tag was most excellent for a brand I knew I could trust.

Funny story: a few minutes ago I searched the web for an image of the dutch oven and found that Amazon has it for $10 less.  So I'm returning the red one to Target and now await the blue one which should arrive within two weeks or so.  (Free shipping on Amazon=slow shipping...)

I look forward to making many things in this pot for many years...soups, chilis, roasts...mmm.

Onto the next thing...  Our car is a mess.  It's 10 years old (we bought it right before Gem was born), has over 150,000 miles on it (many of them 'hard') and I love it, but it's kind of a mess all over.  I've noticed lately that the interior of the car borders on disgusting kind of often.  One time too many, for me.  (It has become commonplace for some form of trash to tumble out of the car when a door is opened.)

I've been researching trash containers and organizers for cars on Amazon and looked at some of them at Target today.  Target didn't have the items I was most interested in checking out (though I did buy a AAA road emergency kit and some of those Armor All wipe thingies), which turned out to be lucky.  Something I've thought about before, but never acted out to completion, was to check Etsy.  And tonight I did!

I am so happy I remembered.  I love things that are handmade...the creativity, thoughtfulness, the unique choices in design, color, prints...and I love the direct relationship you have with the artisan/seller at Etsy.

I ordered a trash receptacle (you can hang off a seat) made out of a cute baseball fabric with a washable liner. 

Then I ordered a car organizer which can be hung off the back of one of the front seats.  It has pockets that can fit books, a Sigg bottle, sunglasses, etc.  (Sag was all over this, Gem was not.  It will be interesting to see if he changes his tne once he sees it in action.)  The shipping on this item was crazy because it's coming from Australia, which is also, really cool :-)

On a roll, I remembered the large pocket organizer Tiina has which I loved (I agree with her that it's a must have for ADD-brainer/homeschoolers like us).  She got hers at a school supply type store.  Her comment that maybe she would make one some day, and my response that she could sell it on Etsy, had remained in my mind, percolating.  I searched Etsy, and found something similar.

And then, because the difference was that it only has large pockets, I found another one with small pockets.  That's really cute.  Which I also bought.  (This is the one item of this spree which was more indulgence than serious practical necessity.)

Once I was done at Etsy, it was time to head back to Amazon.  I deleted the various car organizer things I'd put into my cart and set about finally taking action on a task I've been working on for well over a month: purchasing a rice cooker.  Our rice cooker has been cooking rice so unevenly that Sag has stopped eating rice at home.  Our rice cooker has been with us since our commitment ceremony in 1993.  Our rice cooker was a gift...so buying a new one has been kind of daunting.

I went to a local Asian market last week, but they didn't have any of the models I was interested in.  I've been waiting about a month to go to the super duper Japanese market on the Hudson River (to comparison shop), but it just hasn't happened, with no likely date in sight.  So, tonight, I took the plunge.  And bought the Zojirushi Neuro Fuzzy 10 cup rice cooker, online.  Phew.  I think it's going to rock our world.

While I was at it, I bought two more of these nifty containers (I had picked up two at Target today).  One of my attention strands for the year is delving deeper into living GFCF.  As part of that, I've begun buying some different GF flours like teff, millet and masa harina.  My friend, Lisa, recently sent me some Montina flour.  These GF flours stay fresher for much longer if they are stored in the fridge.  We have some great Tupperware from our Plympton days, but need more for our new flours.  These containers have a nice sealing feature, the plastic is BPA-free, and I've found OXO products to be very durable and functional.  (Cap made some pirakka using the millet flour and the crust was a revelation!)

So, yeah...a lot of money was spent at once.  It helps me to know myself a bit better, and to understand that this is how some people operate...that I am not an isolated freak or loser.  There was a time when I would shop like this, but mindlessly (ie. on books that would that sit unread on my shelves, on clothes I could have gotten much cheaper, on yarn that remains bagged and stored and unknit years later).  It's valuable to be able to discern the difference because it feels almost subtle compared to the 'rush' of activity and the motion of the mood...which feels remarkably the same.

Not to beat a dead horse, but...in the past, I would finish a spree and pretty soon begin to feel sick and really bad because of what I had done.  Tonight?  I feel a sense of accomplishment and quiet satisfaction.  That my purchases were the result of giving careful thought to what I wanted/we needed, giving the process a lot of time and space (and yes, delaying gratification), and following through to the end by spending our money in places and ways that fit our philosophies and needs.

Making room

Drawing up the meal plan this morning (it proved to be too much/not the right time yesterday) I intuitively reached a solution, a simple formula to hold the Dragon's Way and GFCF together.

I'm buying a bunch of veggies and have planned in three evening meals of stir fries for myself, I've confirmed that tofu is on-list and will pay attention to that as a source of protein, I'm making two more pots of seaweed soup this week (I tend to really get into things and enjoy them over and over again: turns out that's called 'hyperfocus' :-), and I'm going to be open to rice and egg whites.

And, I am not planning on making any new recipes on the GFCF side.  For the kids and Cap, on my dinner nights, I will make spaghetti with cornbread, meatloaf, and burgers with sweet potato fries.  Oops, I am planning one new thing, the GFCF burger buns.  But, rather than mid-week, I am going to make those next weekend.  I tend to have more time and space on the weekends.

(As I was flipping through the Dragon's Way book this morning for some specific info, I noticed that this week's chapter's subtitle included the words "transition" and "pushing through".  Yeah, that's what I'm feeling...)

(not sure what the Unicorn is doing there...)

Lush life

The kids wanted out (I cannot blame them).  The weather has been gorgeous.  Sunny, breezy, weaving and waving back and forth from warm-hot to cool-brisk.  Daniel's over, Cap's up at school all day for a conference, I've been tidying and cleaning and preparing snacks and lunch...going off-list, but feeling somewhat productive.

So, when our downstairs neighbor seemed done with her yard work, out we went.

I had a shocking moment when, as I leaned into the wisteria to take pictures, I was suddenly engulfed in intense thrumming buzzing and realized the tree was full of ginormous bumble bees.  I jolted back, my brain and sensory system flooding with adrenalin, and my camera was flung from my hands!  I've had my trusty camera for going on six years.  I dropped it within the first few days of owning it and hadn't dropped it again till today.  It was a doozy of a landing, but luckily, there seems to be no harm done other than some scratches on the body and a small dent in one of the corners.

Buddhist quote

From my "buddhist quote" thingy on my iGoogle:

"We live in illusion and the appearance of things. There is a reality. We are that reality. When you understand this, you see that you are nothing, and being nothing, you are everything. That is all."

Blake says

Some new-to-me music. I've been a bit melancholic today and this tune slides right in there... Thanks, Shannon :-)

What's new

Little notebook, update

Filling out the day's things-to-attend-to three to four days in advance doesn't work.  After a day or two, I tuned out my little notebook.  So, I'm going to try to do this every night before to keep my mind fresh to my specific and concrete daily goals.

Thinking

Practicing Qigong this morning I thought:

• when I practice so early, there are certain movements I don't do for fear of disturbing the peace of others as they rest...#6 and #9.  Skipping #9 often leads to skipping #10.

• I could feel my brain/mind bouncing back and forth...I bordered on feeling dismay, but kept pulling myself back into balance from that.  As the Spring green maple leaves danced about with the breeze out the window (I've started practicing facing Eastward to hone in on my Liver...the view is wonderful :-) my mind caught on their beauty and life.  I realized why it feels so good to me to be outside in Nature.

When I am in Nature, my brain relaxes a lot.  The elements demand attention, and I succumb wholly.  And nothing splinters, like it does when I am inside sometimes.  Note to self (again and again...yet more addition and subtraction): get outside more.  It will help me feel more whole more of the time.

Speaking of addition and subtraction, I'm not sure what to do about my food.  Driving home from our wonderful and leisurely playdate, the kids and I talked dinner.  (When they are playing with friends, they often do not eat well.  So, as soon as we hit the car, they realize they are pretty hungry.  And the rest of the day they tend to feel quite grumpy and fragile.  I need to think about this, too.)

I knew making the burger buns as originally planned was out.  They were going to have to rise for 30-40 minutes before baking.  Also, to be completely honest, without my own food "stuff" set, it's hard to not want to eat/share the new, interesting, yummy stuff I make for the rest of the family.

So we went to Whole Foods, were stunned by their expansion construction (the M-town Whole Foods: the little Whole Foods that could!), and picked up some provisions for them.

What I grazed for dinner last night: Alphatots, frozen shoestring fries, a coconut ice cream sandwich and popcorn with soy butter and salt.

How I felt last night: dizzy, dazed, confused (I called Cap to ask him to pick me up some garlic knots* while he was out at the comic book store with the kids and then frantically called him back a minute later saying "no no no that's gluten!"), tired, flat.  I can't tease out whether gluten/wheat has this effect on me (I had some more of the Chinese take-out eggplant for lunch and the ice cream sandwich had gluten in it) or whether my system is overwhelmed by trying to hold too much.

By the time I was going to bed, I felt unwell to the core.  Not sick, per se, but very quietly, deeply, off.

When I meal plan today or tomorrow, I am going to build in a plan for my DW meals.  I need to subtract something to allow for the space to do the DW food prep and the more structured sitting-down-to-eat which remains elusive.

I can feel a flutter of panic as I think about the accounting work which I also really want to add which means two things need to be subtracted.  Well, this is my work for today, to do these figures.  There's something else, which I will simply push to next week: subtracting some tv to make room for an earlier to bed and earlier to rise (I'm thinking a walk around the block first thing in the morning sounds nice...)

* I've been watching a show called Parenthood and a character in an episode I watched yesterday (this is how out of it [though I am beginning to recognize that when I am "out of it", inside, I am actually quite restless and unable to be still long enough to focus on much at all] I was, I was watching tv in the early evening.

Some more to think on: watching tv..."unwinding"...may be a band-aid, may be genuinely therapeutic.  There may be something to my affinity for the tv and computer screens that is related to my type of brain.

Dragon-y dilemma

Sigh.

I just took a misstep.

Holding Dragon's Way, being GFCF, exploring ADD and maintaining momentum with kids and home is proving to be...a lot.  And not completely possible.

So, as I do this incompletely, I observe and tinker...finetune, streamline.

Tonight, I was tired.  In part, no doubt, because of my interrupted night of sleep.  I did practice, which was good.  I added the zoo and subtracted the museum.  By the time we got home from the museum zoo it was raining and the kids and I snuggled down for an episode of Amazing Race (Season 7).

Afterward, we picked up Cap at school and stopped in for an order of Chinese take-out.  Common meal was canceled and the kids had leftovers.  I was feeling uninclined to stir-frying up my own veggies and so opted for the eggplant with spicy garlic sauce.

Sag jumped on the white rice that came with our order.  Our rice cooker has been on the fritz for awhile now and he will no longer eat the rice made in it.  He loves the stuff though, and scarfs it whenever he can get it not made in our machine.

So I had some of Cap's veggie fried rice with my eggplant.

The eggplant dish is fine for Dragon's Way.  The veggie rice is okay.  The problem for me was that neither of these dishes were gluten-free.  I couldn't hold it all.  I ate it.

I'm on the lookout for grouchiness to descend tomorrow late afternoon, we'll see what happens.  The kids and I will be at a play date with friends tomorrow afternoon.

I had what now feels like lofty ambitions for making cookies before the play date and burger buns and burgers in the evening.  But, I'm thinking I need to map out my Dragon's Way food for tomorrow and make time to prepare what I need and to visualize when and where and how I will eat.  I can already feel healing taking place and want to commit more fully to the eating aspect of the practice (I ate lunch standing up again today...sigh.)

Adding things in and subtracting others.  It's simple...but not necessarily easy.

More notes on Dragon's Way

• Breakfast should be your richest meal, lunch your biggest, dinner your smallest.  

Last night I went over to Donna's after Vinny's.  Her son was away and it was a chance for us to hang out sans kids and finish a conversation we'd started last week.  It was amazing.  An hour turned into two and then three.  We talked, listened, shared, watched Lucy play, put on jackets and eventually went inside as dusk turned to night and the balance tipped towards the warmth of the house.

We drank tea, I had some cantaloupe, she had an ice cream sandwich, and then she had more tea and I enjoyed a mug of hot water.

By the time I got home it was 9:30.  I felt hungry.  Not overwhelmingly so, but my stomach had much less in it than it is used to having.  (It is very interesting that my stomach, and mind, have adjusted easily to this transition of having less food to work with.  It has been easier for my stomach than my mind.)

I knew I was going to be up for awhile (it was a LOST night) and felt a stab of fear that it was going to be hard to be up and conscious and feel hunger.  I went into the kitchen, but nothing called out to me.  I made some hot tea with honey, grabbed my herbs (I take them in pill form) and plopped down in front of the tv.

The feeling of hunger, which I think was truly more a feeling of absence...or roominess, passed.  And this morning, I realized that my stomach didn't hurt.  (It is recommended not to eat past 7 or 8pm to prevent digestion of your dinner from taking Qi that could otherwise be storing up as you sleep.)  Usually I feel something in my stomach when I wake up.  An ache, a heaviness, a hardness...some sort of energy blockage with a physical manifestation. 

I think it's actually been a few days since not feeling that way, but I didn't notice it till today.

• "Believe it or not, walnuts or pine nuts are excellent foods, and I recommend that you include them with breakfast each morning.  The walnuts and fruit are suggested to give you a really solid Qi foundation and a good amount of quality energy to begin your day."

• "Your stomach literally hates to receive cold things."

• Inborn Qi vs. Acquired Qi.  The Qi we are born with (Inborn) is like our savings account of life force.  We are born with a fixed amount and when this Qi is gone, we die.  Acquired Qi works like a checking account.  We can add Qi to this account throughout our lives, at any time.  But, if we spend from this account more than we put in, then the Qi automatically begins to be deducted from our savings account.

"Unfortunately, most people don't build up enough Acquired Qi in their checking accounts and must routinely withdraw 'funds' from their savings account of Inborn Qi for the day-to-day expenditures of life's activities.  What are these activities?  They include respiration, metabolism, healing from internal and external assaults, sleeping, eating, digestion, elimination, thinking, feeling, intuition, working, dealing with stress, balancing emotions, and more!  This is particularly true for anyone coping with the demands of today's world and who is constantly on the go, mentally, physically, and even emotionally."

"Your life is like a candle---you can be born with a small candle or a tall candle.  You have no choice in this.  How you protect its flame is now up to you.  If you've been given a long candle and you burn it carelessly, you will not last as long as a shorter candle that protects its flame.  The better you protect your light, the longer it remains lit."

Pushing out from the root

'Tis the season.

My Dragon's Way teacher talked about how during Spring, along with the plants and trees, our Qi pushes stagnant and/or blocked energy, (what I sometimes can't help but think of as old, nasty stuff), up, up, and out.

I saw Vinny yesterday and confirmed that this has been happening for me lately, namely in the form of lower body gas and severe itchiness on the skin of my shins.

For the itchiness he suggested pricking the inside of my big toe, near the top.  This provides the build-up energy to release, literally.

This morning I had a rude awakening just before 5am (as Lung transitions into Large Intestine).  To the front of my left ankle was on fire with itchiness.  I scratched and scratched but it was providing no relief.  I didn't know where my pricking needles were so decided to go to Plan B.  I got up and got my Chinese herbal skin cream.

It's not an insta-cure, but it does the job to soothe the itch and I did, to my surprise, fall back asleep.

I'm a little discombobulated this morning, but grateful.  Our plans are shifting and instead of a museum workshop on "Illustrating A Narrative Using Mixed Media" we'll be visiting the zoo with Danielle and her crew who are off from school this week.

Looking forward to being out in the air and sun.

Antidote

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/lee-stranahan/unschooling-how-igood-mor_b_543880.html

Dragon's Way notes

• Last night during our group Qigong practice, I noticed that I wasn't yawning nearly as much as I usually do (in class or at home).

• When I walked into class last night, my teacher noticed immediately that I seemed 'happy'.  I felt a smile burst on my face and felt like the freaking Sun as I answered, "I am happy, thank you."

• It is usual for me to start heating up while I practice.  As I practice with more regularity after a fallow period, I've noticed that sometimes I break a sweat.   Last night in class, I didn't feel a rush of heat till #6.  I haven't been practicing this one at home because I'm not always sure my downstairs neighbor is home/awake.

• I did yawn during this morning's practice.  Getting the lying prone blockages out.

• I did practice #6 because I happened to notice my neighbor leaving for work.  As I practiced, I could feel reverberation all the way up the meridian line along the inside of my thigh.  I did the brush hitting up that line last night in an attempt to alleviate the maddening itchiness on my shins.  I absolutely love feeling the connections, on top of knowing that they're there.

• As I transition more fully in the food aspect, I'm noticing that I don't feel as hungry as I thought I would.

• I am aiming to read more of the book and handouts this time around.  My teacher mentioned the various points of self-healing that comprise this program, and reading/rereading the written material is one which I have not taken full advantage of.

"It is difficult to say how old the practice of Qigong is.  Some believe it goes back far more than five thousand years.  The word Qigong literally means "energy work", but the actual practice is far deeper than its description.  It is a powerful self-healing discipline that is particularly effective for women who want to prevent or alleviate menopausal symptoms.  As we've said, Qigong can help you connect your body, mind, and spirit by allowing you to gain control of and direct your own Qi or life force.  Its biggest benefit is that it can develop your intuition and let you see the world in a different way.  This view is one that can take you beyond the senses."  (from the Dragon's Way book)

Glutenated

I was glutenated (voluntarily yet unexpectedly) over the weekend.  I feel like it had a negative impact on me chemically.  You can read all about it here.

Taste buds

I'm shifting food gears and heading deeper into Dragon's Way territory.  My mind is caught up to the body, which always feels nice :-)  I thought about eggs when I walked into the kitchen, but I didn't want them (small sigh of relief).  The things was, though, that I didn't want walnuts either.

I meditated on it (realizing this in retrospect...at the time it was likely equal part ADD moving right along to the next thing that caught my attention and ADD strategy moving right along to ride a sprint to wash the soaking items in the sink and put away the items in the drying rack) and after taking care of some tasks and making a new recipe, Quinoa Breakfast Bars with Blueberries (I'll be blogging about this over at One Year Four Seasons later), I sat down to eat.

watermelon.

red grapes.

toasted pine nuts.

Sag practiced some knife skills he was so excited to have some watermelon.  My kids love fruit and will love the infusion of red fruit in our lives over the next six weeks (not all DW fruit is red, but most are).  They ate about 3/4 of the watermelon I thought might last me a week.  Every day something new to learn.

The pine nuts were pretty perfect.  They are so rich and so flavorful.  Very satisfying.  Everything was satisfying.  The essence of each food unique and strong and healing.  

I like to see in my mind's eye my taste buds blossoming as is so much of our half of the Earth, opening to give and receive, to take part in the cycle of Life, anchored resolutely in Natural Spirit and Universal Energy.

Party down

Funny stuff...how come I never heard about this show till Cap mentioned it recently? We are watching Season One on Starz On Demand...I think it's out on DVD, too...

Creating peace (one task at a time)

Tonight "picking up living room" was left on my list.  I was stuffed from dinner (normally enervating), but was energized by my motivation to get this one last item checked off.  I figured I had an hour before doing bath time with the kids so I got out the timer and got to work.

I love modeling these strategies!  I love that the kids are hearing and seeing and understanding that I am trying something new to help me stay on track.  They have front row seats to a grown up identifying an issue, testing possible solutions and jumping about with joy as she succeeds.

I set and reset the timer for ten minute increments.  One of the times it went off I was reaching my hand over the mouse to check e-mail.  Snagged!

It took less than an hour to do a general pick up and boy, did that feel good, to get it done.

As I picked up and organized, I made a pile of my current books and it looked so lovely.  Warm and inviting and peaceful.

Sucker for the smell

I am incredibly olfactory.  A highly sensitive smeller rather than a super smeller, I'd say.  Doesn't matter if they're good or bad, scents barrel their way right into my central nervous system and have their way with me.

I don't mind, it's been this way forever.

The other day, I was at Whole Foods and had to wait for some salmon sushi to be rolled.  I was alone and the store was pretty empty so I strolled around trying to hold the thought that this was dangerous impulse shopping territory.

Moments like these can actually be useful for me.  Having just a bit of time and space for myself, in the right environment, allows threads that typically don't make it to each other, to magically weave together quickly...magnetically.

The chaos of Spring has dried out my skin.  My scattered mind had noticed this, but hadn't yet gotten around to doing anything about it.  I found myself walking the health and beauty care aisle and standing in front of this:

I opened one and took a sniff...heaven.  Turns out there is grapefruit essential oil in there...one of my favorites.  It's a small meditation now when I remember to put some on my hands at night before turning in.

Short sprints

One of the ADD books mentions utilizing 'short sprints' of mood, motivation and/or energy to get the things you want to do, done.

This would have never occurred to me because I think of myself as such a slow moving entity.  A manatee :-)

But, as these words and ideas seep into my subconscious and stick there, because somewhere down there a part of me knows it makes sense...or at the very least it sounds worth trying, I am finding myself moving and acting in short sprints and getting things done.

The day's agenda helps, keeping it simple helps, sprinting to the end of a task (when energy/focus starts to flag) helps, self-talk helps.  This is so interesting and rewarding.

This morning I photocopied the tax forms, addressed the envelopes, wrote one check (instead of two, yay!) and handed everything over to Cap, who was going to the post office.  Afterward, I felt a very familiar letdown of energy as the adrenalin left my body.

Typically, this sort of energy letdown would lead to a haze of unfocused inactivity which could last for hours...or honestly?...for the rest of the day.

Today, I could feel the haze settling almost from outside my body.  And this external awareness helped me click into the strategies I've been reading about.  The out-of-body clarity I think came from the new herbs I'm taking kicking into full gear (which happened after the intense PMS and start of period roared through me...who knows maybe that intensity was part of the herbs kicking in).

So I made bread, cleaned the bathroom, practiced Qigong and made a new recipe for dinner.  Four of the five things on my list, accomplished.  As strange as this may seem to you, this does feel like an accomplishment to me.  I did more than these things today, but without a list guiding me, these are all things which could have easily fallen by the wayside.  Day after day after day...until my mood latched onto the activity for one random and unplanned reason or another, or, some sort of emotional trigger forced my hand (like cleaning the bathroom to avoid the shame of a guest walking into my really gross bathroom).

I have one more thing left on my list, so I'm off to do that now.

Peace and love, people.

Giggle

no, not on the Dragon's Way list.

Yesterday was crazy.  A perfect storm of one opportunity to the next to simply let things go from morning till night.  Just do and do again.

I felt energized all day and kept the voice at my ear screaming "taxes, taxes!" at bay and eventually it fell away.

I tried Amy's GFCF mac and cheese for dinner and was very pleasantly surprised.  It's a satisfying bit of processed food.

Today has opened up, as these things sometimes happen, so I'm off to the eye doctor and then will work on the taxes the rest of the day with the usual breaks to feed and care for children.

The return

toasted walnuts with honey.

I'm starting a Dragon's Way class tonight.

I have been craving meat lately and quelling the need by eating it, and feeling happy.  Over the weekend I had a steak, which doesn't happen very often.  It was utterly satisfying.

Yesterday, as I was moving along on my 'getting-things-done', it occurred to me that maybe I should ease up on my desire to 'do the food' while doing Dragon's Way.  I felt like it would be stressful to cut out animal protein when my body is wanting it so much lately.  I allowed myself the flexibility to see what happens.

This morning, interestingly enough, I didn't want my usual two eggs on toast.  I kind of felt like Panda Puffs with a banana and rice milk.  And then, somehow, my mind went to: just have the walnuts (that were ready to go in the fridge because I had planned on eating Dragon's Way and stocked up on ingredients over the weekend).

So, I toasted some walnuts on the stove, drizzled them with honey, and munched.

I have a list of items for today.  I've done one already which was to bake bread (technically, it will be done, the bread is in the machine as I type).

My working on taxes will have to shift a bit because I did not get the response I needed from my bank about a figure I need from them.  Hopefully, Cap will have that number for me by day's end.  I can get started on the state form and Danielle gave me a heads up about a new schedule M that is causing confusion.

I feel restless.  I can feel a heat rising inside.  Is it a resistance to going back to the list?  Or is it a desire to get back to the list?  

A playdate at a nearby playground has materialized overnight.  I want to add it to my list, but does that mean I should subtract something, taking a cue from one of the books?  I should try that rather than continue feeling a bit queasy and indecisive about whether to go or not.

Little notebook

smile.

I'm smiling because last night I remembered the keyboard shortcut which allows me to use the built-in camera on the computer without the countdown (which is loud).  Which means I can sneak shots of unsuspecting children who don't normally like to have their picture taken.

But, I am also smiling because I am picking up strategies and information from two of the ADD books I've started to read and they worked well today.

The biggest smile, which is mostly inside and with my whole being, is due to paradigm shifting.  Always exciting when that happens :-)

Ah...I can feel my thoughts, specific ideas, swirling around my head and I am having difficulty putting words to keyboard.  A characteristic of ADD wouldn't you know.  For the moment, I am going to resist the urge to go to bullet points.  And, I'm grabbing the timer.

In one of the books, they suggest using a timer to help keep you on track.  And rather than itemize a task by name only, to itemize using a time frame.  So, I just decided to blog about this for 30 minutes.  And I am setting the timer for 10 minute intervals to help me remain on task.

I used the timer this afternoon to work on the taxes for 2 hours, which was one of my day's items.  It was so interesting...and unexpected, to experience time in a different way.  Though each block was 10 minutes long, they certainly didn't feel equally long/short.  It definitely helped me stay focused.  I did get distracted by checking e-mail and interacting with the kids, but I didn't lose track.  I was able to get back to my designated task at hand, and, as it turned out, every time the timer went off, I was working on the taxes!

I didn't finish the taxes.  But, I felt so productive, having used so many of the minutes to do what it was I had set out to do.  I felt really good, and so fulfilled.  I'm tearing up typing this because I am realizing that there are people who feel this kind of satisfaction most of the time.  I wasn't even clearly aware of this lack in my experience (or had long ago suppressed it because it was no fun being aware of it and not being able to do anything about it).  I've been living long term with the slow burn of frustration and ennui that comes with derailed intentions and never ending roads ahead.

Another suggestion in one of the books was to make a specific list of things you want to do that day (as opposed to week/month, or to have a running mental list).  I have done this in the past, but only here and there, never as a practice.  Or, as part of a larger calendar, such as a week's schedule (in a very schooly way).

I have a 2010 week-at-a-glance spiral bound notebook calendar that I bought on one of my Manhattan trips with Vanessa.  I like it because it reminds me of her.  This year I am using the electronic calendar in my home computer (my cell phone is not a 'smart phone') for the first time and loving it.  I had bought the paper calendar to jot my appointments with Vinny, but this hasn't worked out, practically.

So, this morning, I was glad to find a possible new use for this little notebook.  In the block for a day, there's room to write in about 8 items.  For today, I filled in 7:

• 2 hrs. taxes

• veggie soup

• bread flour

• Qigong

• walk

• V's photo album - pack

• fold laundry

And, I am stunned to report that 6 of the items are crossed off.  I managed my time so that everything got done.  With no stress.  That is key.  You know, there are right times and places...and I think this unfolding is happening because of that.

I did not pack the photo album for Vanessa.  I did e-mail her to get the absolute correct mailing address (I don't want this to get lost!)  And Sag says he wants to include something in the package so I gave him a few days to do that.

The thing about this list as a strategy is that the things on the list are not inherently overwhelming.  But, for someone like me, without the list, the items never get done because they don't get attended to.  They get lost in the ether as something else comes my way (and something always does) and my mind is captured by the movement (not necessarily the content!)  Tasks are completely forgotten till the end of the day round up of events...

Sounds so familiar (from the books):

• "People with ADD often...try to do everything at the same time (EAST).  They may begin multiple organizing projects with great enthusiasm---purchasing storage boxes, shelving, and paint but months later, the shelving hasn't been taken out of the boxes and the paint cans are still unopened."

• "ADD brains tend to be reactive---that is, they react to whatever comes into their immediate vicinity---making it harder for adults with ADD to stay on track with projects."

• "Adults with ADD often tend to slip into micro-focus when they're organizing---they get lost in the details instead of focusing on the larger task.  For example, if your task is to declutter your family room, but you find yourself organizing photos in your photo album you've slipped into micro-focus..."

• "Typically, adults with ADD grossly underestimate the amount of time a task will require."  (Since becoming a parent, I tend to overcompensate for this by setting aside huge blocks of time to get tasks done and then don't get them done anyway!)

• "Adults with ADD seem to both underdo it and overdo it, as paradoxical as this seems."

• "Adults with ADD often add things to their life---objects, activities, commitments---without doing the necessary subtraction...All this addition increases the chronic stress in the lives of many adults with ADD."

Okay, the timer is about to go off.  I could go on, but I need to move along to my next intentional activity: watching The Amazing Race with the kids.  

My shoulders have tightened typing these sentences.  They bring up suppressed stress, unhappiness and anger.  Breathe in, breathe out.

The timer went off.  I'm off.

Tickled

by the yellow curl.

by unstoppable energy.

Notes

• start tracking periods again.  it may help with planning to know when the chemical dips and chaos happens.  if there is a pattern, it will reveal itself through keeping track.

• start making a day's agenda in the morning...or the night before.  for my brain, this may be more helpful than a regular calendar of events or a week's schedule.

• start taking walks.  remember to put it on the day's agenda.  getting fresh air helps me a lot but I often don't remember to do it.

Like a klieg light

I burned my tongue on a lovely chai tea soy latte at Terra yesterday.  I met Silke for tea and was early.  It was peaceful.  And good.

Our time together was also, as always wonderful.  There's an immediacy to our connection as we catch up without kids and other grown ups.

Afterward we walked, she with her bike, to the library.  There, I discovered with some dismay that they were completely out of 1040 forms.  (I am loathe to use up expensive printer ink to print out forms and whatnot.)

I also picked up my latest batch of requested items.  Three books on ADD and a young adult novel called The Shadow Project.

Later we enjoyed a delicious family dinner.  Cap made burritos.

After dinner I played Wii with the kids while Cap cleaned up.  (Our general kitchen rule is that the cook does all clean up.  Our styles in the kitchen are quite different and this rule is at my request.)

While Cap tucked the kids in and made himself some movie watching dessert, I sat down with one of the ADD books: Add-Friendly Ways To Organize Your Life.  It is co-authored by a professional organizer and a psychologist who specializes in ADD.

I read the first 20 pages, my jaw dropping lower and lower as the sentences started flying past my eyes.

It was like a klieg light  clanked on, shining brightly on me, on aspects of my life.  Incredible.  Wow wow wow wow wow.

Scrambled

The chemicals in my body are resetting.  The weepiness has subsided, as has the strong lethargy.  I did wake up with a stomachache and a seemingly random spot on my right thigh has hurt since yesterday evening.

Donna called me during the day yesterday and it really helped to talk, be heard, and listen.  It helped immensely to hear her identify some things about me which she understands from loving and seeing and knowing me.  She definitely caught some strands which were swirling around my head.

I started crying, but held back.  That happened a couple of other times yesterday.  It's progress.  I used to be able to cry freely when I was younger.  Now, I do only with or through someone else's story, never my own.  As uncomfortable as I was yesterday, it was a shaking up of something pretty deep and if it's part of loosening up my ability to more freely express myself, it's ultimately a good thing.

I didn't fall asleep till after 2 am and had a bit of a hard time waking up.  When I did, I remembered that I still have to do the taxes.  Oops.

I thought about non-GFCF food yesterday in the throes of my depression, but I didn't crave it.  And I didn't have any.  The main thought/image I had was of subs.  Hmm.

I did have four kombuchas in four days after a long dry spell.  None in the fridge at the moment.  We'll see how that goes.

No more tv till I get my financial catch up, including the taxes, done.

And now, for some Qigong.

Down in the dumps

It's a mystery, it's a pendulum, it's impermanent.

Last night was good.  We had dinner with old family friends.  My mom came in from the city, I held a baby for long periods of time, the whole meal was wonderful and completely GFCF.

In my pocket

I was having a hard time this morning and almost didn't drive out to the health food store about 20 miles away to get an ingredient for my first ever hamburger buns.  I tried to get Cap to come with me and make it a field trip, but he had his own muse to follow (which involved cleaning the kids' room with the kids and doing a super thorough vacuuming so I am not complaining :-)

I was extremely motivated by my excitement about these burger buns.  My friend Lisa had sent me a bag of Montina flour in the mail 2 weeks ago, my bun pan arrived from Amazon last week, and all I needed to round out the 'new' components for this recipe was the non-dairy milk powder that waited for me at Nature's Pavilion.  (B, I was thinking of you, the store is in Pompton Plains :-)

I was digging through my jacket pocket for my lip balm and what not (record highs projected for today, no jacket necessary!) and my fingers felt something that instantly slowed me down.  The stones I had picked up at the beach on Sunday.

And I felt somewhat better.  Better enough to walk out the door and into the world to get my ingredient and a whole lot more.

Natural magnetism

Someone shares my love of the sea.  When he was in utero, I remember driving out to the tip of Provincetown and feeling him awaken and energize inside me.

Back from a weekend in Massachusetts.  Lovely visits with family (of origin and choice) abounded.  The drive home was arduously long and this morning came way too early with a child throwing up in bed.

Qigong

I've been practicing the standing dragon pose every morning while listening to Samskeyti by Sigur Rós.  It's about 5 minutes long.  Next week I'm going to add another song I can groove meditatively to...I see a Qigong playlist in my future :-)

I've been practicing every night next to the bed, right before I lay down.  Last night, I lay down first, then hopped back up remembering to practice.  Amazing how something can change in a matter of days.

Last night I felt a distinct opening of the gateway of my neck/shoulders as I practiced (a matter of minutes).  They felt tight and heavy as I started.  Then I felt throbbing...an achey throbbing as the Qi and blood worked its way through the tight channels.  Then relief and calm and warmth spread.

I've noticed from night one that if I practice before laying down, the bed feels incredibly soft...actually, it feels tender.  As if it is welcoming my body with love.  My body 's receptors are so open and alive that it feels pleasure and comfort on every square centimeter as it touches down.  Bliss.

Maybe the last thing today

Maybe.  I'm not making any promises.

My mood is swinging and dipping (I can now add sadness to the irritation of earlier) despite the fact that I have been GFCF for 10 days now and, more importantly, have been practicing (though just a bit) for 3 days.  I know those are small numbers.  It will be interesting to note what happens next month when the numbers are higher.

I've been thinking that I might have a slight case of ADD.  

The following items are from The Adult ADHD Self-Reporting Scale put out by Harvard Medical School professors.  I definitely don't have the "H" in ADHD.  Seven of the eighteen questions popped out at me for their familiarity, some to great degree, some to lesser.

• Do you have trouble wrapping up the final details of a project, once the challenging parts have been done?

• When you have a task that requires a lot of thought, how often do you avoid or delay getting started?

• Do you have difficulty keeping your attention when you are doing boring or repetitive work?

• Do you have difficulty concentrating on what people say to you, even when they are speaking to you directly? 

• Are you distracted by activity or noise around you? 

• Do you have difficulty waiting your turn in situations when turn taking is required?

• Do you interrupt others when they are busy?

Interesting.

One more thing

I found myself getting really irritated with the kids this morning with their usual trying-to-talk-to-me-while-I'm-on-the-phone.  It baffles me how they are still, at ages 8 and 9, so oblivious to this line (of mine) drawn in the sand.  When I am calm enough to see the situation objectively, I suppose the truth may be that this line is invisible to them.  It certainly has no meaning.  Perhaps we are speaking different languages when it comes to seeing eye-to-eye on this matter.

What I do know is that sometimes I take it personally and sometimes I don't.  Life all around is much better when I don't.  Simple fact.

This morning, I was taking it personally.  I didn't feel good, I'm sure they didn't feel good to see and experience my reaction.  (Which must seem unpredictable to them because sometimes I deal with it calmly and sometimes I am clearly frustrated.  Unpredictability in a parent sucks.)

I was wondering if my night time hunger the last two nights may be related to reproductive type hormones.  Now, with my mood swinging towards volatile, I wonder with more conviction if my hormones are shifting.

As luck would have it, Donna came by with Daniel to take the kids to their house to play.  Daniel has been sick and is finally better.  He was home from school and they swung by after a morning of running errands.

Perfect timing because no one should have to be around me when my mood is this wobbly.

And then

...I hear two voices.  Sometimes one at a time, sometimes in call and response, sometimes in a jumbled mass.

(They do not always wake at the same time.  But, this morning they did.)

And I go to them.  There's no stopping me, there's no where else I'd rather be.  I sometimes don't recognize my voice when I call out to them "good morning".  I rediscover myself every time I see them again after sleep.

I go from tired and dulled to uplifted and energized in that instant.

Sometimes it's just a kiss and a squeeze.  Sometimes there's snuggling.  Sometimes there's a conversation of some sort.

I am really fucking lucky.

Insight

Here's another little nugget.  Obvious yes, but want to note the observation.

The past two nights I've stayed up later than I have been.  Last night I really should have gone bed.  I felt very sleepy by 11:00 or so.  But, didn't go to bed till 12:30.  What's more, both nights, I ate something past 10pm because I was hungry.

Two nights ago it was a small bowl (the smallest of bowls, really) of chicken salad leftover from dinner.  Last night it was a small bowl of tortilla strips.  Twice.

Both morning-afters I woke feeling my stomach.  It didn't hurt, but it didn't feel good.  Once up, I could see my face was bloated and could feel the bloat all over.  And my face looked as tired as I felt.

The picture I took of myself yesterday morning?  Case in point.

I've been sleeping fine, doing the pose before lying down the past two nights has helped me fall asleep pretty promptly.  And I have been waking up pretty consistently in the vicinity of 7:30 I've been noticing.

I have been doing the standing pose every day since Tuesday.  That, no doubt, helps things move along.  But, the burden would be lessened if I went to bed earlier and skipped the late night snack.

Waking up bright and refreshed?  A worthy goal.