Alternate universe

Every now and again I wonder what my life would have been like if we had not had children. 

When the kids were itty bitty, I was astonished at how truly relentless parenting was.  Once the relentlessness relented a little, it was time to adjust.  I mourned the loss/delaying of things (work/career, travel, etc.)  Now, I am at the mid-point.  I am as close to post-kid as I was to pre-baby.  There is still much to do day-to-day...but I can feel the promise of more time, more space, more self.

Today, a friend from high school posted to Facebook that an HGTV piece on his home had been highlighted on the front page of their publication.  I clicked over and was delighted.  He has a wonderful home with incredibly appealing design elements.  I was a little wistful.  What would it be like to be in mid-life, with renewed creative energy churning, with job/career/home/financial life aligned and poised to cushion you into the second half of your life?

I will never know firsthand.  And that's okay.  This isn't a pity post!  Seeing Mark's place just brought home to me, in a stunningly visual way, an alternate view of "what if..."  Go look and enjoy.  (Oh, the private patio off the master bedroom with the hammock!)

Slow-mo

The work...the process of sifting through stuff and dust to reorganize and streamline...it was indescribably tedious yesterday.  I am sensitive to flow.  When I am part of it, I am juiced.  Thrumming with Life, with Energy, it feels amazing.  When I am not, I feel out of sync, disjointed.

Yesterday, I felt like was I moving in a molasses flood.  I was acutely aware of the blanket of DULL which lay over me and the room.

But, I kept going.  The ducking and denial that I would step into the past did not happen.  That's how powerful this recent shift within me, is.  I was in extreme slow motion, but I never stopped.  I was in somewhat-agony, but it never reached unbearable-pitch.

Rather than filling bags with stuff-to-sort-out-later, today, I will be going through old bags to clear them out of my frakkin' way.

I'm not feeling positive...yet.  There ain't nothing "good" about tedium in my book.  And the sense I got at some point yesterday evening, that keeping a clutter-free and dust-free space is relentless (not to mention being the head cheerleader of sorts when it comes to maintaining said space thusly)...well, that's an indication right there that I am not in flow.

But, in-between is okay.  Actually, it is so much better than any of the negative "d" words of the past: down and out, denial, depressed, dragging...I'll take it.  With a smile.  Which tips the scale towards plus.  Nice.

Looking pretty good 24 hours later!  The old shelf, a hand-me-down from Basha when she moved from Boston (for you old timers) will not stay there under the window.  Where it will go next is TBD.

This spot on the computer table, also known as, my desk, tends to fill up quickly with the minutiae of passing hours and days (foot tall piles are frequent guests).  I am curious to see what happens this week.  It doesn't really feel my desk most of the time.  Adding these little touches may help.

We picked up four of these red plastic bin inserts at Ikea the other day.  (The other two have been inserted into the white shelves.)  These bins contain smaller game containers and game accessories.  We love how it gives the shelf a cleaner look, while, hopefully, keeping the dust factor down.  (Our game shelf is the same type of shelf, Expedit, we bought for homeschooling storage, just a different color.  They don't make this color anymore.  Our first choice color for the homeschooling shelves were unavailable, but we actually really like the way the white looks in that corner.)

The silver lining to Gem's new environmental allergy situation (his symptoms continue to subside) is that we have a new impetus to redesign and manage our space with a critical eye towards keeping the space as dust-free as possible.  The less stuff we have, the easier it will to be clean frequently!

Reflecting on yesterday, I can see a greater Flow in place.  Fills me with gratitude and peace.

Scattery

Interestinger and interestinger...

I am pretty sure I am PMSing.  Impulsivity is coursing through my veins and my mind keeps scattering like quicksilver.  I was irritable yesterday, today that is fading.

Compared to "before", this is much easier.  Though my brain is in some sort of overdrive, the spots that my thoughts come to a rest on, haphazardly and fleetingly, have been, for the most part, things on my "to do" list and I have been following through.  (Mind body connection remains strong in that way.)

I haven't had the time/mental calm to actually think about much.  In a way it feels like sleep walking (more like sleep dashing)...which feels a little disconcerting...but, I can't argue with the fact that things are getting done.

There's a reasoned undercurrent to the frenzy.

Some of what I did today:

• talked to John, our CSA farmer, down at the farmer's market.  he is down (very tired), but not out (not discouraged).  the farm has had its share of difficulty since Irene passed through.  picked up scallions, garlic and lettuce from his stand.

• picked up some yummy ground meats (beef, pork, turkey) at the farmer's market, but the cheese people were out of Ewegurt!

• ordered/bought "not" back-to-school gifts for the kids.

• spent the afternoon poolside with Tiina while our kids frolicked in the water...town pools close Monday.

• braved Staples and was happy to find their eco-notebooks.

• went food shopping.

• scheduled and rescheduled some appointments for next week.

• read.  Fist, Stick, Knife, Gun is worth your time if you care about the intersection of poverty, violence, education and home life in the United States.

• ordered/bought birthday, birthday bird, and back-to-school presents for nephew and nieces.

All while summoning focus through wildly bucking synaptic energy or the slightly dazed before or after.  I'm a little worn out.  But, smiling.

me and my new prescription swim goggles.

P.S.  Thanks to Wendy for pointing me in this direction.  I cannot remember the last time I have had such fast service, for such a well designed product, all for a reasonable price.

P.P.S.  I've been working on my own Fall schedule (hence the goggles)...will report here once all is set!

P.P.P.S.  Part of my problem today may have been not enough protein...or not a steady enough stream of it.  I had a small grass-fed steak with homemade pesto aioli for dinner tonight and have been feeling much better since that hit my system.

Catching up

Well, that was pretty painless.  The middle, and biggest, stage of the taxes are done.  I'll have Cap give them a look see tonight.  Tomorrow, I will transfer all the rough draft info onto forms in pen, write checks (we always owe because of the consulting type gigs that Cap does), stamp envelopes, and the taxes will be done.

I find myself with a pocket of alone time here.  Cap is up at school and the kids are at Tiina's.  I guess I'll catch up with the blog.  Working backwards...

It is National Poetry Month here in the States.  I am a latecomer to poetry appreciation.  But, I really dig it now.  The little bits here and there that I come across and read (I don't read much poetry...haven't been reading much of anything lately, come to think of it.)  Mary Oliver is a favorite.

I pulled down our poetry volumes (mostly the collections geared towards children) and put them in a basket.  I asked the kids to search for a poem that spoke to them and they both found Shel Silverstein poems they liked.  (Lesson 1: poetry doesn't have to be drab or "old"...it can even make you laugh!)

We'll be reading poems for the rest of the month.

They really do love comics.  A few nights ago they went to the comic book store with Cap.  Their box was empty (they have "subscriptions" to a number of titles).  No worries, once home, they searched out comics already in the house and enjoyed some pleasant night time reading.

Gem loves grape juice.  We've been buying it more often lately and I have been enjoying it, too.  I like mine cut with some seltzer.

These photos just seem a pair.  The kids have been reading Science and Social Studies books and writing them up.  Culling facts, citing page numbers, searching for additional resources on the topic, categorizing which branches the subject(s) of the books would fit on the trees of "Science" and "Social Studies"...  Oh, and also whether they are interested in further study of the topics.  (So far, Benjamin Franklin has gotten a "yes" from Gem and we requested a book about Mr. Franklin from the library.)

The above photo is Gem doing a computer search of additional resources.

The lower photo is Sag doing some free reading.  He was either waiting for me to be done doing something with Gem, or was done for the day and was hanging out.  I took the pic because he was wearing his Pokemon trainer outfit.  He has a favorite trainer (his name is Blue, I think) and has put together an outfit which closely resembles Blue's.  Adorable.

How I wished I had a better telephoto lens when I spotted this squirrel out the front window.  I opened the window and reached my arm out as far as it would go and snapped the shot.  As soon as the window opened, this critter went into, subtle, but high alert.  S/he was gone after the first shot.

Last weekend, I made beef short ribs for my sister-in-law, deviled eggs for my brother, and brownies for, frankly, myself.  I spent most of the morning and early afternoon cooking and baking and ducking out for some book shopping for the girls.  Then we headed into Queens to meet the new baby.

I took these shots because the colors were so strong...almost primal, in real life.

Owen brought over these nifty building thingies last week.  The boys got right down to it.  (Practically in front of the door, glad they took my suggestion of moving into the middle of the room where there was more space :-)

Perfect.  The kids will be home momentarily.  Off to make dinner.  All caught up.

Apron love

If you told my 20-something self that not only would I be wearing an apron in the future, but loving said apron...  You would have been met with tinkling merry, yet also incredibly derisive, laughter, or possibly, a playful shove or punch in the arm followed by a probationary period of my wondering what the hell was wrong with you.

I plucked this beauty up from my mom's stash of gifts she's received but can't use/doesn't want.  It's a Hanae Mori apron :-)  Love it.