Filling

Repleting after depleting.  Tonight a veggie burger on half an Udi's bagel with mayo and arugula pesto with a side of carrot fries.

My mind is wandering from eating Dragon's Way.  This time of year it's hard for me to be all veg all the time.  My need for non-veg carbs and starches is steadfast.  (I am pleasantly surprised that my need for protein has been sated with egg whites and tofu.)

I am also distracted by the CSA veggies which are not being used.

And by the nuisance of a) being a short order cook at breakfast and lunch to meet the variety of desires/needs; b) cooking two separate dinners on the nights I cook/cooking my own dinner on the nights Cap cooks; and c) making food either for Dragon's Way or to use up CSA stuff that no one else likes/will eat.

The kids love what I make for them and are very enthusiastic in their gratitude.  So, I don't mind making food for them that they like (it just takes time and attention and sometimes I stress to try to streamline the process).  

But, I am feeling a sense of...something missing.  I rarely get to experience the deep joy of making food that I find interesting and nourishing and sharing that with others in my household...and having others share their joy in partaking, with me.  (I do have this pleasure once a month when we host common meal.)

(I want this so much that sometimes I blind myself to the reality that I simply don't have this in my life right now and try to force it...I internalize the belief that if I just try harder, I can make this transpire.)

I bought a book called Clean Food awhile back that I haven't cracked open to use yet.  I'm thinking about checking it out for recipes.  It would be nice to take a break from culling new recipes (adaptable to Dragon's Way or being GFCF) from the many food blogs I read.  Having not only one source, but a source which is hard cover copy.  Books are good.

Burrow

Yesterday afternoon and evening felt like transition.  That pressure of incredible force.  My sensory system, particularly my ears, were so sensitive I had to leave the kitchen twice during dinnertime because the kids' voices and energy were so overwhelming.  Fight or flight kicking in and out.  Uncomfortable.

This morning I feel calmer.  I am burrowing.  Saying good-bye to light and warmth is hard on levels I don't even know to acknowledge.  My everything is turning in.  (Yet my soul looks out waiting and wanting.)

Last night I watched The Walking Dead.  It was holding-of-breath and squirm inducing.  I will watch it again :-)

Today...  I am chucking 'the schedule' and cleaning the nest.  What's the use of a schedule that one can't keep to anyway.  (Some cleaning is supposed to be happening every day.)  Reminding myself to keep the "ahhhh" an "ahhhh" and not an "arrgh".

Sometimes it's lonely moving forward as one's self, into one's self.

 image pulled from web.

Small pleasures

My afternoon could have been about the pursuit of a reddish Kangol-style cap for Gem.  But, faced with an invite to play, he gave the whole costume business some deep thought and decided he could work with a red cap he already has.

So I dropped the kids off and found myself in one of those rare and wonderful situations.  Running errands solo!  I love it.  It feels very freeing being out and about myself getting things done.

First stop was the farmer's market (went for cider and pears and also picked up some greens and celeriac root):

Second was the post office (I have a huge pile of supplies to send to a high school friend and his troop in Afghanistan):

Third was the kind of stop that is rarer than rare.  A local boutique where I found what I needed, some winter cozies (my two beloved cashmere sweaters were enjoyed by critters over the summer) and it took all my Dragon-y strength to not try on and buy shoes.  All of it.  I'm happy I didn't, but ooh, there were a pair of ankle boots I was salivating over.  I stuck to the plan, happy I didn't have to drive out to Marshall's or T.J. Maxx, and leisurely tried on nearly a dozen sweaters.  I came away with a wonderful, drapey, soft sweater vest that I love (100% polyester moth bitches!) and a practical, vibrant, "teacher" sweater (the shop owner said it was popular with teachers and this former teacher could read between the lines---holds up well under the pressure of many, many, many washings :-) that will serve me well and brighten my cold winter mornings around the house:

Woods

I suppose with Thoreau on my mind it was inevitable.  I went for my walk this morning in the woods.  I'm lucky to have this swath of trees on a bit of rocky mountain right here in town.

As the woods enveloped me, I nearly choked, the rich fecundity of the air was so qualitatively different from what was circulating through my system calling itself oxygen.  These trees resuscitate me unconditionally, every time I step amongst them.

I felt a wave of gratitude.  This was chased by creeping grief.  I sensed an opening.  Did I grab transformation or did it grab me?  I whispered words which felt so sacred and then spoke them louder.  The transcendental ecstasy I tap into is electrifying.  The calm that pervades afterward a balm.

All good things...

My "All Me All The Time!" weekend is coming to an end. The boys just called for my dinner order. They'll be home soon.

I topped off my time of absolutely indulgent leisure with The Missing. A few clunky bits, but overall quite compelling. Set in New Mexico in the late 1800s, the setting (as it was then populated) itself was a character I was interested in, not to mention the leads were Cate Blanchett and Tommy Lee Jones who were a pleasure to watch.

My body is aching to squeeze my young 'uns.  Looking forward to settling in with them to watch Amazing Race tonight!