Addendum

It occurred to me that I did not explain why it was notable that I looked relaxed and happy in the wedding photo...why it stood as a testament to positive change.

The photo was taken at about 5 p.m.  It was easily 90º out/under the big tent (the sides were not enclosed).  It was humid.  We had spent four hours in the car that day driving up to Rhode Island, arrived at the state park about half an hour before the ceremony began.  (Prior to our departure, I had spent two hours just preparing/packing food for Gem for the day.  In other words, I woke early and worked before getting in the car.)  My appetite plummets during hot and humid weather, especially if I am outdoors.  That day I ate a good breakfast at home but nothing on the road save for three French fries.  When the photo was taken I had started refreshing myself with the excellent iced tea, but dinner had not yet been served (and the appies were of no interest to me).

So, anyone who knows me well, knows that it is pretty remarkable that I look so relaxed and happy in this shot.  Travel day + hot, humid weather + no food fuel = relaxed and happy?  What?

Something energetic has shifted.  Relaxed and happy = energy/qi flowing = I ain't dead yet!

Peace.

Priming to unfurl

I am finding the season inspiring despite its tendency to throw down the gauntlet year after year.  (C'mon, I dare you to grow.)  Greens popping up in lovely varieties.  Seasonal delights like music to all of my senses.  Energy pulsing crescendo bursting at seams.

Islands of quiet provide respite...but the current keeps pulling me along.  I think this time of year is hardest for me in terms of being highly sensitive-ish.  The impulse of the natural world in Spring is undeniable and absolute...in supernatural overdrive.  Grow, strive, reach...(re)create, (re)birth, (re)new...there is no choice, there is no exit.  Resistance is not only futile, it is inviting Thanatos in for a cuppa.

I spent this morning with Kelly.  So, so long overdue.  We talked and talked and I was able to unpackage some of my feelings of the last weeks into a thought: Spring has made me her bitch this year (as she so often does)...but I have held steady.  I've been bending and bending and overall have been quiet and tired.  But, I have not broken.  I have definitely retreated, but I have not invited Thanatos in...(or have I)?

Concretely:

• I have been expressing my emotions more.  (Good for me, but hard for me and good and bad for those closest to me.)

• I have been facing my mortality, gaining some understanding of aging and more clearly seeing the rest of my life.  The last few weeks have been an opportunity to improve my health and my ego has been steadfast in doing what it does best: toot its own horn.  The id has been strong (fueled by the life energy of Spring?):  I want to do what I want to do.  Then ego chimes in: sure, be in the present, this moment is forever, live it!  For many, many years, super-ego would then rant and rave about laziness, slothfulness, shamefulness, gluttony, selfishness, etc.  But, the last few weeks, super-ego has been quite constructively critical.  It has been patiently and quietly saying: you can have more energy, you know what to do, you have the capacity...and it is time to understand that you are insisting on making withdrawals on your qi account when you are at a stage of life when making deposits is no-way-around-it crucial (using some Dragon's Way speak there).

• I have been feeding my urge for more plant-based meals.

• I have been sleeping a bit more, though not consistently well.  I still wake up tired more often than not...but subtly less so.

• I have not been going to the Y...the last time I worked out was Easter weekend.  I have been taking walks and practicing Qigong.

• I have been enjoying ice cream with splashes of PX sherry in the evenings.

• I have been reading anew.  (I do not know if I will ever knit again.)

• I have been experiencing a distinct boost of vitality in the boudoir.

• I have been happier despite the bouts of fatigue and retreat.

Peace and love.

Powered by change

That's how I feel about Spring...this Spring, for sure.  There is an incredible energy of change.

This morning I walked with Danielle to the library and back.  Walking and talking, a nice combo.  Now, my body is wanting to be still.  This dearth of energy seems to be hormonal...cycle-related.


Before the walk I zipped over to the big Whole Paycheck and stocked up on many items of change:

• nutritional yeast (good source of vitamin B12, which I want to get more of into the kids)

• Barleans fish oil (for me and the kids, absolutely no fishiness)

• Barleans Essential Woman (to boost me in the second half of my cycle...PMS time)

• hemp protein powder (trying out two brands in addition to the Vega which uses yellow pea powder)

• vitamin D3 supplement (for me...wish I'd thought to supplement during Winter)

• macadamia nut oil (for homemade mayo...moving to reduce the kids' consumption of canola, soy and safflower oils...increasing olive and coconut oils.  was looking for avocado oil for the mayo, but they didn't have any.  my mayo consumption is down to essentially zero, but Sag...that boy loves his mayo!)

With all my recent spendy-ness (in addition to the above, this for Danielle's first birthday, the specially ordered chocolate Easter bunnies, some other special birthdays, the base for an exciting art project ordered online...all the pesky shipping charges...), when I came across this book, I was bummed not to find it in the library database.  I wish I could take a look to see if it is worth buying. It looks so promising (gluten-free, dairy-free and sugar-free!) that on another day, in another week, or month, I might have just ordered it through our local bookshop.  Not right now, though.

One more thing I have changed recently is the kids' bedtime routine.  Usually around nine o'clock, I have them put their reading material aside and turn the lights down (they get into pjs and floss and brush around 8:30.)  I rub their bellies with ginger oil.  Sag takes a few spritzes of Rescue Sleep on the tongue.  I massage Gem's spine a few times with my finger tip.  I rub Sag's back with my hand in circular patterns.  I rub Gem's upper back and the back of his calves.  I try to get Sag's calves, too.  (Sag finds most massage very tickle-y.)  There is usually a request for a few drops of lavender onto their pillows.

That I am doing this, which was a long time coming, is a sign of my own increased Qi energy.  I am in better balance, in better energetic shape.  This time of day is tough for me.  I am often "done".  But, somehow, I have a new reserve and it's been put to good use.  Sag is very sensitive before falling asleep and is plagued by nightly "bad thoughts" (spiders, poison, abandonment, death).  Gem responds very sensitively to massage.  It's the best time for the two of them to receive this kind of, literally, hands on care.

Peace and love.

Stomach

Hmm.  My structures are falling apart and my stomach is involved.

Sunday, the day of Comic Con, I had a Dragon-y breakfast...I don't remember exactly what, but it was most likely a handful of toasted walnuts.

I brought some cashews and an apple with me for lunch.  But, I only ate maybe three cashews.  No apple, nothing to drink.

In between, there was an hour's drive to Queens, an hour of subway and walking to the conference center in Manhattan, five and a half hours in the conference center, and an hour of walking and subway back to Lisa and Takai's.

So, I held it together, but wise food/eating choices did fall by the wayside.

By the time I was collapsing onto my sister-in-law's couch, I wasn't even hungry.  But, I knew I should eat.  Tortilla chips, salsa, hummus, crackers and cheese were on the table.  I ate my apple and had some cheese.  I wanted protein, but beans have been giving me digestive problems, so although I had cut out cheese with Dragon's Way starting, I went for it.

For dinner I had one piece of beef short rib, a bite of roasted chicken and a pile of string beans with mushrooms (those mushrooms sang on my taste buds).  For dessert I had half a Mutsu apple (I stared down the GFCF apple pie Cap made, but I truly felt nothing...not even the tiniest stirring of craving...so weird!)

Monday I was a wet noodle.  A wet noodle who was craving protein so strongly that she ate four eggs (across two meals).  I also had a stomach ache so acute in the late afternoon that it was hard to walk/stand.  And I ended up skipping Dragon's Way class, reluctantly.

The protein craving continued today.  As did the swinging of utterly foul mood which, sadly for him, kept manifesting as resentment and anger towards my partner.  (Reparations have been made and we've agreed a night out together, sans kids, before he leaves for the west coast again this weekend, would be great.)

As soon as I am finished with Dandelion Fire (which has been my oasis today), I am going to move onto the third section of Women Food and God, entitled Food.  My emotional stuff seems rooted in deep and overwhelming feelings of rejection.  Old and mysterious stuff which is not real in the here and now, yet has been coloring my last 48 hours with the intensity of Sharpies.

I fried up some kielbasy for the kids this afternoon.  Daniel was over and he loves the stuff, too.  Well, something snapped...or let go...and despite not eating meat this week (this week being as of yesterday), scarfed down five or six pieces.  They were yummy, warm and oh, so very satisfying.  (This was within an hour of making and eating some spiced roasted nuts...the protein craving has been intense!)

Soon after, my stomach started to hurt again.  And I just didn't feel well. 

Even an hour later, while putting the kids dinner together (which Cap had prepped), I felt "green".

I knew things were haywire when Sag asked for a side of meat sauce (leftover from his dinner last night) and after I spooned some into his bowl, I scooped a spoonful of the sauce for myself before putting it away.  It tasted so good I thought I'd have some for dinner on my Paleo bread.

By the time my bread was toasted, my desire for the sauce had passed, no doubt by the new tightening around my stomach (from the spoonful I'd just had).  I had eggs instead.

There are some meridian spots running up the outside of my right thigh that are angry.  Last night in bed, I felt a piercing pain about 3/4 of the way up, nearly at my hip bone.  In the dark, I could feel a painful bump and couldn't tell if it was a nodule or a bug bite.  I had Cap come see and he confirmed it was not an insect bite.  He could feel it, but could not see it.  No redness (on the outside anyway).

I am curious as to whether it's a stomach spot or not.  I see Vinny tomorrow...I hope I remember to ask him.

(By the way, the meat is not the cause of my stomach woes.  I have been eating meat with no problems for months.  By doing Dragon's Way, I am in a process of healing which is likely highlighting a problem spot: my stomach.  And, it may not literally be my stomach, but something going on, or not, in my stomach "system".  I tell you, I love this Traditional Chinese Medicine stuff.)

You know, as clearly as my stomach/stomach system needs attention, it isn't helpful to see it as the starting point for whatever is going on right now.  Life, and living, is one continual process.  Why I am experiencing what I am experiencing...there is not just one reason.  Trying to single out a reason, I honestly believe, is pointless.

What is more helpful and productive, is to be present with whatever is happening, as uncomfortable as that may be, and move forward from there.  (For me, the discomfort is both physical, like my stomach aches, but also, emotional/psychic, dealing with shame and self-criticism.)  So today, I rested.  I allowed my book to transport me.  I am continuing on in my quest to build up more and more Qi.

The latest twists in my journey (especially going sugar- and grain-free) have seen a leveling off of some of the more "crazy" highs and lows that I have experienced since adolescence.  And as good as I have been feeling, I do miss those crazy highs sometimes.

The last 48 hours have brought back some of the crazy lows.  Nothing sustained...but very raw patches nonetheless.  It doesn't have to mean anything...it just sucks...and is.

What I like about Women Food and God (and working with Vinny, and being in relationship with Cap, the kids, and my family and friends...) is that I gain glimpses of understanding by being with it/them.  Knowledge that breeds compassion...qualitatively different from analysis...though I cannot explain this any better at the moment.

As I get to know myself better, much layers itself intuitively.  I can't necessarily articulate it.  Maybe that is because I am more in the sapped column of Qi right now.  I can feel the pendulum swinging back up.  And my face relaxes into a smile for the first time in awhile.

Fiddlesticks

Fiddlesticks (as I heard Sag exclaim recently)..."I" am reduced to a hard kernel...withered grey.

I think I am in recovery from Comic Con.  On the day of I was marveling at my stamina which I knew was connected to my strengthened Qi.  Now, I am observing that...as true as that was, I didn't have quite enough Qi to carry me through.

I've been craving protein while cutting out meat from the diet (and already not consuming dairy and beans)...how inconvenient.  I've eaten a lot of eggs in the last 24 hours.

If I am not being quiet (which is, fortunately, most of the time), I am raging.  Please send my partner a Guinness.

My lunch helped.  Working for one's grapefruit is a meditation (I peel every single layer off).

Devouring the second book of the 100 Cupboards trilogy is helping, too.  I love the tale this guy is telling...

Remembering to breathe and cleanse and stop complaining.  Wishing you peace and love.

Busy is the new...Qi?

There seems to be no stopping this Fall.

Sag played tennis with Max at 9am this morning.  (An hour that normally finds us barely out of our night clothes.)  The kid is enthused.  I see tennis racquets in our future.

Gem and I went to the Farmer's Market.  We picked up Dragon-y veg for me and meat for the rest of the family.

Sag swam at 11am.  Gem sat out to rest his body (the cold has already peaked).

Dropped the kids off at Danielle's and went food shopping.  And to Staples for more paper.

By the time I unloaded the groceries and put them away, it was time to fetch the kids.  (I did get to sit for a bit with my friend and chat.)

We were home for about 15 minutes.  Then it was up to campus to collect Cap and on to our comic book store.  The owner really came through for us and hooked us up with two passes for New York Comic Con! 

Once home, I put together the braised beef short ribs to bring to Queens tomorrow, and popped it into the oven.

Then, I sat for a bit.  This was followed by checking in to my online stuff.  Home school skiing/snowboarding!  Nixed by Gem.  Blogs blah, blah.  Facebook blah, blah.  More messages regarding a high school mini-reunion shaping up in NYC in a couple of weeks.  Someone from my seventh grade homeroom (or, official class, as we called it in our school) is flying in from L.A. and instigated the whole thing.  I'm looking forward to it.  I'd like to get my 'hausfrau hair' cut before said get together.

Cap made dinner for the kids and himself, I made dinner for myself.  He's giving me another reprieve from kid dinner making so I can give full attention to cutting out meat from my Dragon-y diet.  I'm getting a week, which will help me on my way as I finish out four more weeks of Dragon's Way.

After dinner we explored the Comic Con website.  Sag wants to go to the Adventure Time/Regular Show panel, Gem wants to go to the Sonic/Mega Man panel.  Of course, they are at the same time.  So we will split up.

There are children to coax to sleep early, laundry to be folded, calendars to sync, and a partner who I'd like to give some attention to.  We have an early morning tomorrow.  We'll be driving to Queens, depositing the short ribs and GFCF apple pie (Cap will be baking tonight) and then taking the subway to the convention center.  They open at 10am and the panels start at 10:45.

Busy is the new I-don't-know-what.  Not busy?  I am starting to get the feeling that this busy-ness is connected to new energy/Qi.  And that, in a way, I am not used to having this level of energy.  I definitely had moments of feeling overwhelmed having my period start while Cap was away.  But, generally, this is all good.

This is a pic of my Guild loot.  When Cap was in Sacramento, he stayed with Erika and Jerry and Malachi.  Jerry caught whiff of my Guild fandom on Facebook.  Turns out he is friendly with someone involved with The Guild and he had this loot waiting for Cap to bring home.  Lucky me :-)  I mention it here now because a) I am backlogged in photos, and b) Felicia Day is at New York Comic Con and I may catch a glimpse of her.  I will be wearing my Knights of Good t-shirt, geeking out.

Hope the weekend is bringing you some peace and love.

Physical 2

The d-word.  Discipline.  The word is simply not in my life lexicon.

But, routines, habits, patterns, those can all be found.  So with some planning, new habits can be aimed for.

And feeling good, that always works.  So if I can push through the first few weeks of hard work, the neural pathways towards new patterns can be established and then positively reinforced with endorphins and strong currents of Qi.

My goal is to commit a year to reset my system:

• Dragon's Way Level Two food (nuts, veggies, fruit, fish, rice/barley, egg whites)

• practice Qigong every day...all 10 movements in the Dragon's Way set (Qigong before any screen time)

There are, as I stated in Part 1, many strands. 

Getting out into fresh air, walking, sleeping, being a homebody, being an avid consumer of culture, popular and otherwise (books, blogs, tv, movies, music, Facebook)...lots of layers come to mind.  Being off Chinese herbs and going without Vinny treatment for three months and counting.  Full-time parenting and homeschooling two growing boys and feeling more of a learning curve there lately.  Fending off the fatigue that comes with thinking about being on a hamster wheel.

Hit pause.

The whole hamster wheel thing begins to veer into territory better left alone for now.  That touches on my mind.  And as wonderful a place as my mind can be, it also tends to reign supreme.  It is too overwhelming to think about if and how I can change my mind, how I think about things, how I am.  There's also the question of should: the wisdom and the folly.

For now, the Qigong and food are big pieces that will require much concentration of time and attention.  The challenge is for me to turn my mind off enough to just be with the process.  Like with my recent knitting experience.  But bigger. 

My ADDishness is a nuisance when considering this undertaking.  Cap has agreed to take on more of the cooking duties for a month so that I won't have to deal with making two sets of meals three times a day.  Just anticipating only having to concern myself with my own food opens up my mind and heart to possibility.  Chips away at dread.

More notes on Dragon's Way

• Breakfast should be your richest meal, lunch your biggest, dinner your smallest.  

Last night I went over to Donna's after Vinny's.  Her son was away and it was a chance for us to hang out sans kids and finish a conversation we'd started last week.  It was amazing.  An hour turned into two and then three.  We talked, listened, shared, watched Lucy play, put on jackets and eventually went inside as dusk turned to night and the balance tipped towards the warmth of the house.

We drank tea, I had some cantaloupe, she had an ice cream sandwich, and then she had more tea and I enjoyed a mug of hot water.

By the time I got home it was 9:30.  I felt hungry.  Not overwhelmingly so, but my stomach had much less in it than it is used to having.  (It is very interesting that my stomach, and mind, have adjusted easily to this transition of having less food to work with.  It has been easier for my stomach than my mind.)

I knew I was going to be up for awhile (it was a LOST night) and felt a stab of fear that it was going to be hard to be up and conscious and feel hunger.  I went into the kitchen, but nothing called out to me.  I made some hot tea with honey, grabbed my herbs (I take them in pill form) and plopped down in front of the tv.

The feeling of hunger, which I think was truly more a feeling of absence...or roominess, passed.  And this morning, I realized that my stomach didn't hurt.  (It is recommended not to eat past 7 or 8pm to prevent digestion of your dinner from taking Qi that could otherwise be storing up as you sleep.)  Usually I feel something in my stomach when I wake up.  An ache, a heaviness, a hardness...some sort of energy blockage with a physical manifestation. 

I think it's actually been a few days since not feeling that way, but I didn't notice it till today.

• "Believe it or not, walnuts or pine nuts are excellent foods, and I recommend that you include them with breakfast each morning.  The walnuts and fruit are suggested to give you a really solid Qi foundation and a good amount of quality energy to begin your day."

• "Your stomach literally hates to receive cold things."

• Inborn Qi vs. Acquired Qi.  The Qi we are born with (Inborn) is like our savings account of life force.  We are born with a fixed amount and when this Qi is gone, we die.  Acquired Qi works like a checking account.  We can add Qi to this account throughout our lives, at any time.  But, if we spend from this account more than we put in, then the Qi automatically begins to be deducted from our savings account.

"Unfortunately, most people don't build up enough Acquired Qi in their checking accounts and must routinely withdraw 'funds' from their savings account of Inborn Qi for the day-to-day expenditures of life's activities.  What are these activities?  They include respiration, metabolism, healing from internal and external assaults, sleeping, eating, digestion, elimination, thinking, feeling, intuition, working, dealing with stress, balancing emotions, and more!  This is particularly true for anyone coping with the demands of today's world and who is constantly on the go, mentally, physically, and even emotionally."

"Your life is like a candle---you can be born with a small candle or a tall candle.  You have no choice in this.  How you protect its flame is now up to you.  If you've been given a long candle and you burn it carelessly, you will not last as long as a shorter candle that protects its flame.  The better you protect your light, the longer it remains lit."