Freak

When I was little I worried a lot about what other people thought of me and how I presented myself to the world.  I was watchful and careful.

As a teenager and into young adulthood I explored and cultivated being 'different' and outside the box.  I stopped worrying about what other people thought of me, and shed my caution layer by layer.

Trying to have children (for five years) and then welcoming them forced me to strive for balance.  Not between being conventional and unusual, but between getting my freak on and taking care of business (I think part of the deal with parenting is that no one ever speaks to how much diligence and energy is required because if they did, not as many people would willingly have multiple children.  Or maybe it's because they're too exhausted or preoccupied to talk.)

This Fall has been an intense time of sensitivity for me.  I feel, simply and profoundly, involuntarily open and exposed.  Emotion, sensation, the moon phase, you name it, I am feeling it a thousandfold.  It's affecting how I take care of business.

I chopped into my finger yesterday and it knocked me out for the whole day.  I woke in the middle of the night and rolled over and my back started spasming.  I can't remember the last time that happened.  (This despite Cap so kindly working on my shoulders and back while we watched 30 Rock and The Soup...therapy for the body and the soul.)

Here's this morning's kicker.  I was looking at this page on my computer screen (Wendy is coming for a visit next week and has requested 'a fabulous coffee and baked good')...

and the intense aroma of chocolate began washing over me in waves entering my nostrils so powerfully I felt momentarily suffocated.  Now, there is chocolate in the room presently.  But, all was quiet on the olfactory front until this picture was staring me in the face, nearly an hour after I sat down at the desk.  And this chocolate smell, I don't recognize it.  It ain't coming from the bars I have (yes, I have two different bars-in-progress...)

Times like this I wonder if I was burned at the stake in a prior life.  Or lobotomized and put on medication.  Or placed in the special cave to live out my life of dreamy eyes and lopsided smiles/ranting and raving and raging tears.