Hit repeat

It was meditative watching him tumble on the trampoline.  Part of me wants to loop into that state of bliss all day.

But, other stuff of life needs doing.  Tough to get motivated on this gloomy, foggy, damp unseasonably warm nearly winter morning.

Peace and love.

Day of the dead

I do not celebrate Day of the Dead.  But, I woke up feeling half dead.  Actually, I went to bed last night feeling half dead already.  I decided not to set my alarm, to let myself sleep in.  And I did.

And what the frak, weather?  We have a low pressure system hovering and Gem and I have been feeling the doom and gloom of it.  The windows are open for the high of 70º.  On November 1.

They say holidays can trigger anxiety/depression because of unresolved emotional issues which have gone psychologically awry.  I guess maybe Halloween is one such trigger, for me.  I certainly have had mixed emotions about it as an adult and parent.

We have missed two Halloweens in a row due to severe storms...then this year, the kids' longtime trick-or-treating partner decided he was no longer interested in going.  The kids decided not to go trick-or-treating, but late yesterday afternoon we received a query about going, from another good friend, and they changed their minds.  Sag dressed as a hobbit (what Gem went as last year very belatedly once the town deemed it safe post-Sandy) and Gem dressed as a birdwatcher.

They had a good time, overall, but received a couple of negative comments about being "too old" and, I kid you not, "pathetic".  (Apparently the person who called them pathetic was "joking" and Gem did not take it personally...but, Sag, who has a very tender heart and, at 11, is still very much a kid, found these attitudes/words hurtful and confusing.)  No one refused them candy, though, and once they returned home, they ate sweets and snuggled in bed with America's Funniest Home Videos, and had a grand time.

I, was pissed.  And though I try to keep my Facebook complaint-free, I brought my feelings to my tribe over there and the ensuing conversation, which drew friends from many areas of my life, helped me see the bigger picture and showered me with warm words of support.

Parenting kids through seasonal events, like most things, is a mixed bag.  There are the many positives which come from sharing and co-creating a history over years...but nothing stays the same and change can bring with it new and unexpected challenges.

When I was their age, trick-or-treating became less fun because of the neighborhood hooligans who ran about chucking eggs at innocent bystanders and rumors of Nair flinging.  I had quite a primal reaction to the kids' first brush with (Halloween related) "loss of innocence" when my own memories and stored emotions came flooding back (were these unresolved feelings?  I don't know.)

Sleep, weather fronts moving on, and big mugs of Irish Breakfast tea with honey and cream all help.  And I am feeling much better now.

My most pressing concern of the moment is tackling our money situation.  I am feeling quite compelled to "zero sum" the next week.  We have less than what we typically spend for a week's groceries left in the account.  Can we get to next Friday without dipping into savings?

Stay tuned.

Peace and love.

Stick a fork in me

...'cause I am done.

I am on the brink of overwhelmed.  It's all I can do to muster calm and breath...and see the joy that lies on the edges of where I am.

Sleep, stomach, hair plucking, weather...all rolled up in a big ball of UGH.

Thistooshallpassthistooshallpassthistooshallpassthistooshallpass.

Peace, peace and peace.

Whole30 :: Day 29

Aaargh.

Second night in three of insomnia and not falling asleep till 4am.

Beautiful northern breezes chilling things down.

Appetite/food consumption is all out of whack.  Interesting near total disintegration post-time away.

Nice walk over to Kate's with Gem and Finn.  Gem is feeding Bob the cat and spritzing the ferns until we leave for Cali next week.

Cap and I growled at each other this morning.  We are in need of some recharging time together.

Sag slept in his own bed, all night, last night!

very quiet at the polling place yesterday (special primary for state senator).

he is settling in.  he is very attached to his parents.

inspired by the post of a high school friend on Facebook.  if ever there was a time to have a tomato mayo sandwich, the time is now.  but, I tell you, the bread is just not as tasty as I think it will be, the tomatoes, on the other hand, luscious.

I am feeling a bit overwhelmed.  I have so much to read and lack the attention span.  I have so much to organize and lack the oomph.  (New cookbook alert!  Three "new" books out from the library!  Paperwork galore!)

It will be a quiet day today, dry, sunny and breezy, it's all good, really.  Keep on truckin'.

Peace and love.

Whole30 :: Day 17 (actual)

Wow.  Waking up early in order to take the dog out (he is getting up in years and cannot hold it as he once could) and the breezy gentle summer weather we've been blessed with the past week have combined to bring me to 3 o'clock in the afternoon with most of my commitments for the day DONE.

Cutting out sugar and grains has certainly played a part in my mental clarity and calmer nerves.  (Calmer nerves = better sleep, for one.  A big one.)  (I am not sure about dairy.  I don't think it has any clear detrimental effect on my system, but it is a fairly potent gateway food group.)  I have been having thoughts of staying sugar- and grain- and dairy-free into the near and far future, past the 30 days.  It feels good enough not to be denied.

Today's CSA contestants:

Mystery melon.  In the farmer's newsletter, he just says "melon".  I let last week's Korean melon sit out too long (it had begun its ripe-y collapse on its underside...doh!) so I have been watching this one like a hawk.  It wasn't giving off sweet melon scent yet, but it sounded ripe-ish upon tapping so I decided to cut it open.

It looked a lot like a cantaloupe on the inside.  The flesh was a lovely grapefruit pinkish orange color...and not so ripe closer to the rind.  Oh well.  Still refreshing.

I had beets from last week and newer ones from this week.  I love beets.  But, I do not love how stain-y their juice is.  After today, I think I am officially over that.  I loved how Nom Nom Paleo guided me through preparing these beets.  I have not tasted the final product yet, looking forward to doing that at dinner.

Total color therapy.  I felt peaceful energy wash over and through me while gazing at these beautiful gems.

The peaches are being very cooperative, this week.  They are ripening one by one and waited until the sugar plums were all gone.

My delicious lunch plate: baked pastured chicken thigh (boneless/skinless seasoned with salt, pepper and garlic powder), baba ganoush and almost caramelized peppers and onion.  All veg from the CSA share and the chicken from the farmer's market.  Love.  And, yum.

Gem and I stepped out to take Baxter on his mid-day walk.  Gem likes to hold the leash which freed me up to snap this shot.  (And bag the poop.  Baby steps.)

Wishing you a good weekend.

Peace and love.

Whole30 :: Day 14

Bumpy day mood-wise.  Mostly feeling blue.  Fell asleep late, woke up late, behind the eight ball getting into the kitchen followed by deep wariness due to memories of last night's trauma involving flies gathering there, à la The Birds.

But, there were no flies this morning (my duct tape sealing job worked, it seems), and, in fact, today there is a wonderful breeze and I loved not having the air conditioner on.

I made a pot of chocolate chili using ground turkey.  Cap doesn't eat red meat and he likes chili, so I decided to give it a whirl.  Preparing the chili was therapeutic.  I felt much, much better when I was done.

I have been loving up our wooden spoon lately.  Just noticing how beautiful it is in its well-seasoned age.  Appreciating the gestalt of the moment when I reach for it in order to stir whatever ingredients have been assembled in a pot, awaiting alchemy.  I love this spoon.  I don't remember where we got it.  Maybe Tags in Porter Square.

After lunch (the Primal Thai Beef still delicious on day three), I gave the inside of the fridge a once over since Cap will be coming home later with our CSA share.  I pulled out the lamb I made yesterday.  It was not tasty last night (Gem did not care for it, either).  It was still not tasty this morning when I choked it down with some baba ganoush and sauerkraut.  I was loathe to throw it away and was wondering what to do with it...when Sag hit upon some unintentional inspiration.  He suggested making Rogan Josh (he thought there was still uncooked lamb) and I realized I could easily attempt a lamb 2.0.  So, I picked out as much of the rosemary needles as I could and placed the lamb in a pot with a tablespoon of Rogan Josh spice mix and a can of coconut milk.  It is now simmering on the stove alongside the turkey chili.  Fingers crossed.

Peace and love.

P.S.  Thank you to Sue, for the comment about my cooking creativity.  I don't think of my kitchen activity in that way and appreciated the perspective.  Funnily, today, I did feel like I used some creativity to turn the lamb around.

Whole30 :: Day 9

The windows are open again.

(Part of me wants to drop the mic and exit the stage.)

I started feeling better last night and feel much restored by a solid 7 hours of sleep in a room with open windows.

But, as my eyes and mind clear, I see/feel so much clutter all around me, tangible and less tangible.

Let's move on.

The food situation has been good, occasionally tricky with fatigue in terms of what I've had at my disposal: food- and energy-wise.  I haven't been able to stick to the vague notion that I should try to have just one cookie a day, but I have stayed on the sugar-, grain- and dairy-free wagon.

 chocolate chili with garlic scape pesto.

lemon basil cookies with an iced decaf americano.

string beans from the farm with avocado oil mayo.

 desperation salad.

pastured egg scramble with scallion, scape pesto and purslane from the farm.

The kids are winding down their homeschooling work with me.  They are on break as of Monday until September.

I finished The Ticking Is The Bomb and loved it.  I'm waiting for a few books from the library now.  Dirty Wars is up next.  Also waiting for this and this and this.  It's funny, I really want to read this, but am waiting for it to come out in paperback so I can buy it.  It hadn't occurred to me to get it from the library...because I want it on my shelf.  I almost bought it at my indie shop a few weeks ago with a gift card, but decided to get two paperbacks for the same price.

On a related note, I am considering audiobooks.

Peace and love and Willie.

Whole30 :: Day 3

Strange.  Last night, for the first time in a long time, I had "bad thoughts" before falling asleep (unstoppable imaginings, almost cinematic, of loved ones meeting their doom).  I had these a lot when we lived in Sacramento.  I have never quite figured out why this happens.  A manifestation of stress chemicals, I suppose.

What was odd about last night was that I felt sleepy and got into bed at a "good" hour.  There was some drama with the kids as we began experimenting with Gem staying up later than Sag (his teen hormones are kicking in and he is not sleepy at bedtime).  But, once I lay down, Sag finally asleep (in my bed), my mind wandered and quickly locked into the bad thought du jour.

I fell asleep pretty quickly, nonetheless.  No getting up, to practice Qigong or play Candy Crush.  I woke up around 6:30 which has not happened naturally in ages.  I woke Gem up at 7:15 and accompanied him to his first paying job.  (He is feeding the cat and spritzing the ferns for friends while they are away.)

Here is a shot of Gem vacuuming yesterday.  He is growing and growing, doing and doing.  I am in awe.

I am in the "really-no-sugar-again?" transition.  No aches or pains, I think because I had gone for five days without sugar the week before, but I am feeling unmistakably dull alternating with prickly.  I am cheered by my breaks for food: the colors, textures and flavors combine to nourish all my senses.  (And I am loving flossing and brushing by 7pm and being done with eating for the day). 

romaine and red lettuces, hard boiled pastured eggs, avocado, Dijon-honey-ume vinaigrette.

I enjoyed an apricot from our CSA orchard with my breakfast salad.  It was tasty.  I can't remember the last time I had a fresh apricot.  Have I ever?  Fruits are supposed to be kept at a bare minimum during the Whole30.  The peach I had with lunch yesterday was too much.  I could feel its sweetness overwhelming me.  The apricot was smaller and less sweet.

We have a few more days of heat wave to contend with.  The kids and I are staying indoors, for the most part.  It is wearing, but I am not complaining.  I am very grateful for air conditioning.  And hydration.  And face towels.

Peace and love.

Kid art

I continue to sleep at night! It has been nice. Four nights (?) in a row, I think.

The weather has been of the muggy and heavy variety and I have been sweaty and under its thumb.

The kids' paper mâché projects came home today and I was struck, once again, by how differently their art is expressed. I'd say Sag's art is emotional...and Gem's is soulful.

And here, some local flora in wet and cloudy conditions.

Peace and love.

Thursday things

Woke up to news that a storm is bearing down on us. Despite the weather (we have already had some driving rain and the temperature has dropped a good ten degrees) and a sigh-inducing five hours of sleep which commenced sometime after 3 a.m., it has been a productive day. Trouble is, insomnia is an oomph stealer and I need to power through some more tasks.

Sag slept in...he has a sore neck and upper back...after watching him at gymnastics yesterday I can't say I am surprised. He needs more instruction than he is getting. I think he's much bigger and older than they are used to in a newbie and because of this, is and will be prone to injury without proper training.

Gem helped me with laundry and recycling going up and down stairs in and out of rain all morning. It feels good to have gotten that taken care of.

With laundry folded and hung, I made my way to the kitchen. Washed and spun the ginormous head of red leaf lettuce...and put it in the fridge ready for wraps and salads.

Regretted having bought the tub of baby spinach last week and then sautéed it with shallots, pine nuts and raisins.

Washed two bunches of spinach from the farm and then decided to sauté those with a small onion from Anthony's farm. This spinach is now ready to be combined with protein: tofu, ground meat, eggs, cheese.

Oh, the new kitchen trash can arrived! It has been a pleasure using it while cooking today. I almost want to name it Precious...but that would be asking for trouble. I am so pleased to have found a can that is not cookie cutter, red, and made in the USA (by Rubbermaid). I expect this red refuse receptacle to be with us for many years of culinary fun and  adventure to come.

I have been enjoying the coffee Momoko gave me as a good-bye present. I ground some beans this morning and made a small pot. I have been taking sips of iced coffee with cream...will time my last cup of the day to help with the oomph but not mess with my fragile sleep Eco-system.

Off to make some carrot tofu scramble. And hard boil some eggs. And choose a protein to defrost for tomorrow.

I do believe I have found some oomph.

Peace and love.

The week

We've been taking walks and it got hot.

Cooking up carrot-tofu scramble for Gem.

Our meat guy at the farmer's market has had Brussels sprouts for the last few weeks.  Not organic, but so fresh and lovely.

Love noticing the plates we are still using from my childhood.  I remember these plates coming out of the Mikasa box and being so thrilled.  (The steak, a rare boneless rib-eye, was delish.)

Fantastic book.  Loved it.  Gonna buy it.  (This was a library read.)  I'm a wannabe physics geek, but do believe this would appeal to folks from various walks of life.

My body/energy/hormones have been nutty.  Think slog.  Vinny put three of these little pressure things on my right ear to help me this week.

The heat in the atmosphere, the heat gathering in my body, particularly rising to my head...all roads lead to iced coffee!

Lists have been helpful this week to pull my sh*t together.  The universe's gift to ADDishness.

The change in weather has also meant: pesto.

Moments like this serve as a reminder: I am so, so lucky.  And grateful.  This time with my kids...I am so blessed.

Special treat: Grace went to Hawaii and brought back chocolate to sell in the store.  She knows freaks like me will plunk down $10 for a unique bar.

It was worth it.  Fruity and floral, flavorful and bouncy.  Once in a lifetime bar.

This book is a revelation.  Quietly disquieting.  It's making me gawk and making me laugh.  It's breaking my heart.

He has had these Spider-Man pajamas since he was around five.  He loves them and still squeezes into them.

The weather is in transition.  Cold and wet today.

Heard this lovely Roberta Flack cover of a Bee Gees song on The Americans this week.  It was an emotional scene and the song heightened the gorgeousness of the visuals wonderfully.

Peace and love.