Grasshopper

Will this grasshopper ever learn? Last night I was starting to feel distinctly better virus-wise. But I felt heavy, bloated, and inflamed.

Over the weekend I'd had bouts of chemically-fueled anxiety...for want of a better way to put it. I'd be sitting there (usually quite literally, in my red chair) and, as if a switch was turned on, a circus would start to rehearse in the cavity of my chest. The swoops and somersaults of trapeze artists, the vibratory thumps and trumpets of elephants, the buzz and din of an excited throng...

I paused and experienced and it would inevitably pass in a few minutes.

I yelled at one of the kids over the weekend and generally had way less patience with them.

My decade-old eczema patch on my scalp flared up big time and was itchy, red and tender-to-the-touch...this weekend.

Yesterday, despite a lovely visit from an old friend of ours the day before which precipitated the putting on of clothes and  socializing and realizing that, indeed, the virus was on its way out, all I wanted to do (and did) was stay in my pajamas and curl into being as alone as I could.

Oh, and last night I had trouble falling asleep for the first time in weeks.

So, in retrospect, there would seem to have been some sort of significance to this weekend.

Last night the old voice(s) came out of the woodwork. Happily, I do not react and struggle anywhere near the levels I used to. But, the message inevitably gets transmitted: this is your fault, do something about it.

This is when I go into "shut it down" mode and begin to concoct "the plan". About going to the gym, about drasticating my diet, about practicing Qigong, etc.  About becoming blameless. About being the paragon I believe I never am.

There is nothing wrong with the impulse to want to transform, to improve self-care...but for me, there is something intrinsically Sisyphusian about having the impulse rear up during a moment of needing a "fix".  (Those pesky backslides.)

I interface better and more productively with ideas of self-care when I am not in the throes of what feels like a crisis in my heart, my brain, my central nervous system.

When I can get to the root of the old emotional stuff that comes up, oh, ONCE A MONTH (perimenopause is fickle and I am suddenly regular again), when I can feel out the edges and sharpen my tool, I can, and will, excise it and let it dissolve into the ether...or primordial ooze.

The old voices are important to recognize so they can be put in their place, at least, until they are dismissed forever.

PMS, get thee back into your corner.

Ad infinitum. I wonder if this process will continue up to the day I die. Or if some day I will achieve the next level of grasshopperdom and step off this particular hamster wheel (to mix my critter metaphors).

I made something yummy yesterday. Baked oatmeal, for the first time. My crazy brain was telling me late last night, as it was keeping me from sleep, that I should not eat this today because of inflammation and going Paleo in between all the celebrations coming up and the weight I'm gaining with all the hibernation eating I've been doing...

Well, I got my period this morning and I am feeling so much better, inside and out. The show's over, there's nothing left to see. 

(Except a shot of yummy.)

Peace.

Themes

rhythm.

Every November, for a number of Novembers now, I feel a spark and a twinge when I am reminded of NaNoWriMo.  I think, how cool would that be, to write a novel?  Or a solid first draft of one?  And then I quickly dismiss the idea because how dare I disrespect the art form by even dreaming I could do something like that?  I am hardly a writer.

Today, a blogger I follow posted saying she will post daily for the month of November (unrelated to NaNoWriMo).  And I whispered-thought, hey, that, I can do.

Going to the farmer's market with Kelly on Saturday mornings has become a lovely routine.  The company of a good friend, being a step closer to the rhythm of the season, the genial contact with local farmers, fish mongers and culinary artisans...it all fills me with anticipation and gratitude.

This morning I picked up cider from a local orchard (where we get our weekly fruit share from) and eggs and ground sirloin from Anthony.

moments.

The berries were red and because of the cloudy light, had a wonderful matte quality to them.  I couldn't angle my shot properly to catch the color, but liked the silhouette well enough to appreciate the image for itself.

flow.

Something clicked for Gem this afternoon and he worked on some comics with an unusual fervor.  We talked about how cool it is to feel and be one with that flow.

arts.

I read Marbles today.  It was an incisive and funny memoir chronicling a journey from diagnosis to successful treatment (after four+ years!) of bipolar disorder.  It had a lot of heart and I am glad I read it.  It was featured in this piece highlighting graphic novels by women that Sherman Alexie turned me onto via his blog.

I have been enjoying American Horror Story: Coven in its many aspects, and, as a whole.  I am a sucker for wonderfully utilized music and have been riveted by their application of Fleetwood Mac, and Stevie Nicks, in particular, for Misty's storyline.

Peace and love.

Craft and bake sale

Incredibly aromatic (soothing and energizing) bath salts.

Incredibly delicious Paleo carrot soup.  I was hesitant because I am not a fan of carrots, but this soup was out-of-this-world good.

Incredibly beautiful paper-crafting artform which dates back to the Renaissance.

Incredibly cool blow torched lemon brûlée cookies.

Incredibly beloved semi-annual event which was born from the mind and heart of a dear friend (performing original songs here) when she was seven.

It was another wonderful day nestled amongst loving old trees, hanging out with friends, connecting with our community.

Peace.

P.S.  The wares featured above were all conceived and executed in large and larger parts by our amazing kids.

Shifting

Tomorrow some beginnings will spring forth...the rebirth of familiar fauna, the arrival of new shoots.

• daily morning Qigong for me.  perhaps with the setting of an alarm clock to nudge me into an earlier to bed/earlier to rise pattern.

• piggybacking on gluten-free, and going sugar-free.  a tweet I saw today said it all: "The key to a healthy diet is to cook or live with someone who does."  the last few weeks I have loosened up on meal planning, which is not good for the budget...but it has been good for taking pressure I wasn't even aware of, off of my shoulders.  removing a component like sugar from one's whole foods leaning diet means making a commitment to cooking/baking more of your own food.  it takes a commitment of true time and energy, in addition to a sense of mission/intent/discipline.  I have recovered enough energy to renew my commitment to cooking more.  and improving the health of myself and our family.

• sigh.  it's that time again.  renewal.  making a list of my tv commitments and cutting down.  I heart watching tv.  but it's the thing that has got to give a bit right now.

Game of Thrones

Mad Men

Amazing Race (ends soon)

The Good Wife

House of Lies (ends this week)

Shameless (ends this week)

Top of the Lake

The Following

Revolution

The Mindy Project

Nashville

The Americans

Southland

The Soup

Project Runway (ends soon)

Parks and Rec

Community 

Legit

Hannibal

Spartacus (ends this week)

Real Time

sheesh.  not including the shows ending this week, that's 15 16 hours a week.  I was going to reduce to 7 hours a week, but I don't think I can...  (wow...in addition to these shows I marathon watched two Cinemax series...Hunted and Banshee...in late winter/early spring!  and Downton Abbey was on for two months there...and The Walking Dead...and Justified!)  I also have the first season of Call The Midwife on my dvr and am recording the second season.  *deep cleansing breath*  yes, I love good tv.  oh my god I just remembered I started watching Hannibal...and it's really good.  and the baseball season just started so we're watching Red Sox games.  the Good Wife...I crossed it out, but dang, two weeks ago they put out a top notch episode.  it was so good.  Nashville is my guilty pleasure.  Amazing Race and Project Runway are ending in the new few weeks.  I could drop Project Runway now except I've given it so much of my time already I kind of want to see who wins.  it has been an interesting season with crazy judging.  a friend on Facebook pointed out that things will slow down with summer, which is true.  it feels good to just take an accounting.  to face the situation.  and looking at this list, yes, it's long, but if I cut The Following and Revolution, there isn't much garbage in there.  I guess what will be culled will be culled organically, as time and new commitments dictate.  (see above, setting morning alarm.)

• new rule pertaining to electronics: no electronics until after day's table activities, cleaning work and outdoor time are done.  this is a biggie and will be tres challenging for the kids and me.  but I think the bump to a different reality will be enlightening.  I have no idea how I am going to deal with checking my e-mail.

Here are some photos that tell other parts of the story of my day/weekend:

the upside to sugar is enjoying a bowl like this: vanilla ice cream with a splash of Pedro Ximenez sherry.  so, so scrumptious.

switched the seasonal shelf to a Spring tableau.  I asked the kids if they were still into it and their response was immediate and unequivocal: yes.

the Japanese corner.  the rock and its stand belonged to my paternal grandfather.  the card came from an aunt.  the card holder is from Japan, too.

the gnomes are from our Waldorf days.  they arrived in Christmas stockings, I think.  the rock was painted by Sag in an art class a few years ago.

decluttered the linen closet and now have a supermarket paper bag full of old linens to donate to our local animal shelter.  these towels on top were a commitment ceremony gift to us...twenty year towels.  special.

some chemical shifting within has already begun.  I eschewed the Chinese food I thought I wanted for lunch for simpler home fare.  the last of the goat Brie with baby spinach in a brown rice wrap with grape tomatoes on the side.  yum.

this is what my corner of the apartment looks like at the moment.  a way station for decluttered stuff from the kids' room and the living room.  some day, hopefully sooner rather than later, this area will be my morning Qigong spot.  visions of Qigong, meditation and yoga dance in my head.  it is a process...always.

Peace and love.

Photofall

Another photo "fall" (like waterfall)...random order computer generated.

We have had tiny pockets of warmer temps here and there, but the trees are still quite bare.  I am happier for the longer days, but do love a shot of stark branches against sky.

Cap records and then watches Japanese programming late at night after the rest of us have gone to bed.  So when one of the rest of us turns the tv on the next day, we sometimes catch a glimpse of Japan.  This program brought my paternal grandfather rushing back into my consciousness.  Not only was he a lover of classical music, but in the years preceding his passing, he would often while away the time watching classical concerts on NHK on his widescreen.

Last week, Cap and I met my sister and her one and only for dinner in the city.  The hellish two hour trip in was well worth the precious time communing over one of the few cuisines we can't enjoy in our restaurant haven of a town.  (Our trip home?  Under thirty minutes.)

Snow in March.  Again.  For Cap and me it's a lovely reminder of the day in 2001, another snowy March one, that we discovered we were pregnant with Sag (which felt as wondrous as the "spring" flurries).

Windows.  At the library.  Shot during a leisurely Sunday lunch with my sweetie.

There is something eternally yummy about seeing a kid read while walking.

We had lunch and hung out with my dad and then he stayed with the kids while we went into the city to have dinner with my sister and Mike.  The kids were happy to have time with their granddad.

Endorphin face.  Did the elliptical with Danielle this week.

Leo and me.  He turned four in January and is less and less a "little" boy every time I see him.

The mystique of the red velvet cupcake.  I get it...and I don't.  This one was delicious.

Snow again.  This was shot at night out a front window.

I have a thing for window seats.  Since I was a little girl and wanted one so bad.  I have created them ever since, in every space I could.

This morning we celebrated Gem's name day.  It was delicious.

This afternoon, while Sag and Cap were at gymnastics, Gem and I hit the library.  He needed books about potatoes for his latest research project.  He found others, as well.

My breakfast plate this morning was a veritable United Nations: Ethiopian coffee, Irish butter, and Finnish cardamom bread.  Yum.

When my favorite eatery moved from its cozy and seemingly perfect original location to the café space in the library a couple of years ago, I thought it was a death knell of sorts.  I have been so pleasantly surprised by how they have transformed this institutional space into a warm and welcoming haven.  Not only have I continued my patronage, but I do believe I drop by even more.

Striving to get more veggies back into the rotation post-GI bug recovery.  A duo of bacon: Brussels sprouts with kimchi and roasted broccoli with garlic.

Another shot from the library.  This place is the source of such varied inspiration.  I love it.  I call this one: Twenty Face.

Peace and love.

Portal

I call this one "portal".  I was walking up the driveway lugging frozen meat and fresh eggs from the farmer's market.  It was quiet at 8:30 on a winter weekend morning.  I glanced and was riveted by the mass of thin branches vaguely green trafficking in what felt deeply like possibility.

In other news, the hot fudge sauce I was making for Ellie's family birthday party tonight "seized".  Sucks.

Oh, and this gem tumbled into my lap this morning.  Not for everyone, like everything else in the world, but to give you a hint, it's a tumblr called My Uterus Is Here, and He Is Pissed.

Peace.

Celebratory

A celebratory day today...my name day, Sag's belated name day and Sag's family birthday party.  Things are quiet for a bit right now post-clean up and pre-tree trimming.

The nisu Cap made was lovely to look at and even more yummy to eat.  He was unsure as to what would explain this loaf's incredible success.

Our traditional name day gifts are books.  I insisted he not get me a hardcover book but he got me one anyway.  This book is topping many year-end lists, I even saw a list today that didn't include it because the listmaker felt it stood in a class by itself and ventured to describe it as best of the decade.  I am looking forward to reading it, needless to say.

Our nephew dog got into the singing action.  He is so sweet and special.  (My sister knit her sweater...she got the skillz.)

The littlest little enjoying her ice cream.  It was an entrancing lesson watching her eat.  So intent and careful...giving the process her total attention and concentration.

Peace and joy.

Taking a new turn

I feel I am neglecting the blog.  And I miss the opportunity to reflect.  But it was busy again today.

Sag started a gymnastics class.  It was a watershed moment.  

He has been interested in gymnastics for a few months.  (The original spark was watching his cousin in her gymnastics class one day when he accompanied his aunt to pick her up.  The Olympics and YouTube have provided continued inspiration.)

This class brought together a confluence of positive factors.  He has a longtime friend in the class.  There is another boy.  The teachers are both men.  (I think he was fully expecting to be the only male for miles around...I think I was, too.)  Being a homeschool class, the class happened in the early afternoon and the gym was a peaceful oasis.  The two teachers split the six kids into two groups of three.  (That is a kickass teacher:student ratio!)  The cost of the class is very affordable.  The owner of the gym/school is a former Olympian.  The gym was clean and comfortable and very well-stocked.  There is a waiting area adjacent to the gym floor with big plate glass windows.

The reason the just about perfect set up was so important: as stoked as Sag was for this experience, he had no idea how hard some of it was going to be.  Really frakking hard.  He had to face feeling incapable and inept...within himself, in front of a friend and in front of a teacher.  This is something that is typically very challenging for him.

And yet...I watched him try so hard...and when he still couldn't do it, try some more.  (Rope Climbing)  I watched him try to figure something out...and not quite get it...and then try again...and then not quite get it...receiving an instruction from the teacher to make an adjustment...and then doing perceptibly better.  (Trampoline)  I watched him throw himself up into a handstand...and then crumple onto himself hurting his neck.  Then I watched him recover under the calm voice and watchful gaze of his teacher.  (Floor)

He did so much more.  He said the hour felt like forever (in a good way).  He said he didn't love it, but definitely liked it.  He liked his teacher.

I am so happy for Sag that he had this opportunity to follow a passion, transform himself through struggle and experience and learn new things.  Watching him, I remembered that it was around the age he is now that I began to struggle during gym class.  I started hating my body for not being able to do what I saw others do.  For being heavy when I saw others being light.

(I totally remember not being able to climb the rope during the President's Challenge during the upper grades of elementary school.  But, everyone got a patch!)

Sag may never be able to climb the rope either.  (I never did and I turned out no worse for the lack of wear, I think.)  But, he has something I never did.  The chance to work with a gymnastics teacher who knows what he's doing and has a way about him.  The chance to work with this teacher closely, in an environment that inspires and challenges and feels safe.  He is going to get to practice persistence.  He may not get to the top of that rope, but I have a feeling he's going to go higher than he did today.  (He could not get up above that first knot...the one a few inches off the ground.)  And when he does, he is going to know what it's like to feel that special surge of electricity go through your body when you know you've really accomplished something.

We're not settled into a daily or even a weekly rhythm yet.  But, I am realizing that we are writing the next verses to our homeschooling song.  The kids are growing into their own learning experiences in new ways.  Accepting fresh challenges, growing their passions and curiosity further outward.  The extension of progress and process is making sense to them in a way that it hasn't up till now.  They are readier to put into practice outside of themselves, the motivations and machinations that have driven them in their more private paces and efforts to learn.

This is something.  Amongst the chaos, I am starting to find meaning.

Peace.

Equinox hike

I seem to have sprained my thumb and it hurts to use the laptop, so here are some pics of our traditional walk around the pond...without words.

Here we are on our first hike (Summer Solstice 2007).  Here we are on our second hike (Summer Solstice 2008).   Here the third (Vernal Equinox 2008).  The fourth (Spring Equinox 2009).  The fifth (Summer Solstice 2009).  You get the picture :-)