I discovered this morning how forgiving garlic scape are.
They have been sitting in the bottom of a crisper drawer in the fridge for nearly a month. I've been peeking at them to see how they were perishing faring week after week as my kitchen mojo refused to come back enough to whip up some scape pesto.
Scape pesto, my clarion call of summer. Scape pesto, my absolute favorite thing to have come from making a commitment to Farmer John and our local CSA five years ago. Scape pesto, what has finally arrived this 2012 season in my kitchen.
The pastured eggs were from new chickens and tiny! The iced coffee was lovely straight from the fridge. I used ghee to scramble the eggs with a dollop of pesto. Yum. (The pesto: garlic scape trimmed and chopped, then blitzed in the mini-food processor with toasted pine nuts, salt and olive oil. All to taste.)
I'm making lamb sliders later...the pesto will pair nicely with those, I think!
Folded laundry this afternoon...which is almost always accompanied by watching something on tv. I caught last week's episode of Louie, which was pretty darn brilliant and funny, as usual. Sag then joined me for The Big Year which I found on HBO On Demand.
It was therapeutic to laugh to Louie and watch a feel good movie with my boy. I am also grateful to Cap who went foraging for food and brought me home a particularly tasty bag of roast beef. I was tempted to have some farmer's market cheese with the roast beef, but for now, I'm going to wait till I am done with my 30 days!
It has occurred to me that yesterday I had dairy (sample of cheese at farmer's market), vegetable and/or legume oil (the sweet potato fries) and sugar (a few squares of dark chocolate). So although I had honed in on the oil as the likely trigger for my various reactions last night and into this morning, the truth is that I can't untangle the three.
This motivates me to stay as "clean" as can be the next few days and then, as the book suggests, reintroduce foods one at a time to observe changes.
Back to the boob tube: the summer shows are starting to heat up. Breaking Bad returns tonight, Project Runway later this week...Falling Skies is my frothy summer fun show...True Blood, Burn Notice, The Closer's final batch of episodes...the aforementioned Louie... I'm thinking of checking out a new show premiering tonight, Political Animals.
It's feast or famine.
P.S. My book brain has been reactivated, too: I'm itching to start Freedom (I loved The Corrections).
Today's food pic is my mug of iced coffee. I've got a pitcher in the fridge. Yesterday I made a carafe of iced green tea. Upgrading my drinks from water is about my speed these days. I go from the air conditioned living room, hungry, to the kitchen where my heat non-sensitive spouse is taking care of business. The wall of heat and humidity hits me and my appetite falls away.
I am in a daze today. My mood has been heinous...masking a bit of despair, I think, most likely powered by hormonal imbalance/shift. (I eagerly await my blood test results. A definitive answer about thyroid and/or vitamin D would be wonderful.)
I installed new anti-virus and anti-malware software onto Sag's PC, updated the iMac software, opened a Steam account for Gem, and helped them each buy a new game (they spent their own money and were psyched the games were half-price).
I had a thought and discovered that, indeed, the adult school has a course on Java programming. Sag is interested in learning and I've been working on figuring out how to manage that. I may take the course and teach him as I learn.
As Whole30 winds down, I am struck by what hasn't changed, today. It's okay. It's all information, it makes me aware. I am tired of being tired...I just have to keep going.
This one wasn't on my list for 2012, but I loved it. Here's my Goodreads review:
Wow, I loved this book.
From the first chapter, I was enchanted with how easy and simple
Thompson made it look to turn phrases which were so clever and resonated
so clearly.
Soon my appreciation moved from the artfulness of
her writing to her ear for dialogue and eye for detail, her use of time
as a storytelling device, and weaving their way through all of it, her
characters who came to life as they inhabited their stories, as well as
the story of their family.
This novel moved me.
I'd never even heard of Jean Thompson before reading The Year We Left Home. A delicious surprise.
Slept like crap (bedded down late, took forever to fall asleep, woke up tired and stiff).
"Allergy" head (eyes, nose, head stuffy/runny).
Stomach sour.
Mood down and out.
Finding it hard to be neutral about how sensitive my system is. Can see the good (a bit), can see the bad (mostly). Striving to see it just for what it is...to let go of the ping ponging and move on.
For the first time since starting the Whole30 I had to unbutton my pants after dinner. That is some serious inflation since I have definitely lost weight in the last few weeks.
It's actually a case of the more things change, the more they stay the same. Anyone who has known me for a long time and knows me well knows that I have a history of eating my fill and then having my stomach blow up like a balloon.
Now I understand that that is completed related to eating inflammatory food.
And another thing...
One of my eyes starting bothering me while I was reading after dinner (I am reading the most wonderful book y'all!) I starting rubbing and itching and within a few minutes I had to get up to look in a mirror because it was really bugging me. It looked worse than this under the lower lid. Very irritated and red. I flushed my eye out with water numerous times and it burned. I couldn't find any foreign objects in it.
I'm chalking it up to a liver system manifestation of the systemic inflammation caused by whatever seed/legume oil the sweet potato fries were deep fried in. (And, maybe the sugar from the few pieces of dark chocolate I snacked on before dinner.)
Cap served the leftover sweet potato fries from the restaurant at dinner...and I inhaled them!
Wowowowow.
They did taste better than they had this morning...but clearly there was some sort of reignited pattern...a "REOPENED FOR BUSINESS!" sign burning bright. Once I had finished them, I woke up in a daze, my nasal passages stuffy-runny in that reactive inflammatory way.
Note to self: was it the oil the sweet potato fries were fried in or the white potatoes...or both? It's been very interesting to me that since starting the Whole30 my digestion has been off kilter. Things slowed down almost immediately. The Master Cleanse herbs haven't made a significant difference. The only thing that forces the issue, literally, is dried apricots. And not in a gentle way.
I have been very sedentary in the last month due to the fatigue. I'm sure that ain't helping any.
The other thing is that I am drinking less. Though that wouldn't explain the incredibly fast onset of change. I think. Who knows?
I was down at the lab before 8am and had my fasting blood draw about 45 minutes later.
From there it was on to the farmer's market for the best eggs, pastured beef and lamb, local corn for the menfolk, new pickles for Gem and me, local sheep cheeses for Sag (when I was handed a sample I hadn't asked for, I took it...and knew cheese will be coming back post-Whole30), and garlic stuffed olives...just for me.
The boys came down to help me with the bags and then settled into today's Pokemon episode. Cap roused himself and I suggested breakfast out. I was ravenous and unwilling to cook.
We went to Toast. I had a good cup of coffee (although the air conditioning in out section was on the fritz and I kind of wished I'd ordered an iced coffee). I also had half a plate of corned beef hash with scrambled eggs. I forgot to ask for it without the potatoes (if it was even possible). I also ordered a side of sweet potato fries because they are gluten-free and vegan there and I really wanted Gem to try them.
It was interesting to be out for a meal after making the observations I had just yesterday. More than anything, it was convenient, and nice, to be able to get out of the apartment, drive a few minutes and sit down to a meal together at an establishment that understands gluten-free. Over half the food/drink we consumed was stuff we don't make at home (corned beef hash, home fries, deep fried sweet potato fries, milk shake, regular coffee). We played a word game while we waited for our food (it is actually quite rare for the four of us to sit around a table for a meal together).
The bill came to just over $60 including the tip. Was it worth that? I guess that's one of the key questions for someone like me trying to wrangle a household budget that keeps teetering on the wrong side of balanced.
Another good thing that came out of going out: an opportunity for Sag and I to deconstruct and process his experience of "zealous" ordering and eating*. He and I retired to the car early because he was feeling unwell after finishing his brunch of a milkshake and corned beef hash with scrambled eggs (he and I ordered the same thing, he ate just about his whole platter). It was one of those incredibly awesome conversations full of clarity and enlightenment.
(he was very specific about setting up this shot.)
(*This morning's meal came after a night which included a thwarted attempt to see Ice Age 4 on opening night and going out for frozen yogurt instead. Followed by intense emotional processing of how much it sucks to age and die. "I've already lived 10 years...I only have 90 years left." [This followed by ever pragmatic yet unhelpful older brother commenting, voice suspended in darkness, "90 years if you're lucky".] The levity is not meant to take anything away from his experience. He was very upset and fearful in the face of that yawning precipice of deep, dark night/nothingness. I am sorry to say that a video I watched and he watched over my shoulder was a catalyst for his angst. He, like his father, has a thing about fires burning down the house.)
I am feeling more energy today. I'm curious to see what the blood work shows. It seems like there may be a connection between my cycle and the lifting of the strong fatigue. Maybe there is also a connection with the Whole30 being thrown in there, too. If I remember correctly, this fatigue started before the Whole30... For now, I will enjoy the return of some energy, wait to see what the blood work shows (thyroid issues? low vitamin D?), and balance adding back in activity with resting.
Peace and love.
P.S. The sweet potato fries...left a coated feeling on my tongue which I did not like. I only had a few and felt like the baked "fries" we eat at home are way more flavorful and nourishing.
P.P.S. The offending video (he likes the music part of the song, just not certain lyrics and the video).
We spent the afternoon at Danielle's. The boys played Minecraft with O and I hung out with my friend and her little guy. It was very therapeutic. I feel so lucky to be able to watch him grow. (I knit him that striped blanket when he was born!)
Love when music provides just the right inspiration/directive.
Because I am in a mood and just about ready to be done. Yet, typing "25" just shone a splash of comfort: blog as lighthouse...writing the process of moving on. Even if only by a smidge.
Slept more and better than the deprived night before, but still tired. Unfortunately, I am waking into a foul mood.
Not wanting to cook ---> wanting to eat out/get take-out ---> remembering eat out/take-out options for us are extremely limited (not to mention rough on the wallet) ---> realizing I don't really want to eat out/get take-out anyway ---> diving into the "go to" food du jour (ruing the lack of variety till I sink into satiation).
Grass-fed rib-eye steaks have been one of my "go to" proteins. Seasoned with salt, pepper and granulated garlic, seared for four minutes on each side, rested for five minutes, done. And delicious.
Banana with almond butter has become a go to snack post-ovulation. Bananas are considered sugary as far as fruits go. I wonder if my taste for them will shift with my hormones.
Slept like crap last night: between the kids piling in (one as I was going to bed) and my staying up too late because I couldn't put my book down, I don't think the sugar from yesterday's dark chocolate experiment could get a word in edgewise (but maybe it did).
Canceled my dinner outing. (Bummed to miss the occasion and the rich, buttery French food.) I don't feel quite as bone tired as I did yesterday. Resting...and aiming to finish my book so I can go to bed earlier tonight.
My sister sent me this photo to cheer me up earlier this week. It does the trick every time I look at it.
I decided to try some chocolate to see if it would assuage my mood. I had one old Valrhona 65% dark chocolate disk: too sweet and way too dry.
Cap brought me back a Green & Black's 85% dark chocolate bar (which has milk powder in it, wtf?) and the first square was divine. Instant joy and a flood of well-being. Second square about 15 minutes later: nothing.
Now I have an almost headache. My stomach doesn't feel great, either, but that I think is period related. My head feels tight (not unlike how I felt during dinner at Rosa Mexicano) and my mood has dropped.
This experiment was enlightening. Will settle in and wait for my sugar-free truffles. Dark chocolate is powerful alchemy in a good way. Sugar is powerful alchemy in a not-so-good way.
I've been sucked into the vortex that is 11/22/63 (link to NYT review which I will read after I am finished with the book) and so have not been reading It Starts With Food (which would be the more applicable companion piece to this Whole30 experience). If I were, I might have nifty soundbites to better discuss "the shocker".
My taste buds changed relatively quickly and I saw that one coming.
But, recently, I have begun to notice...and I'm not sure how to describe this...that my food imagining, my food expectation...how I think about food...has undergone a dramatic change.
• I am eating less...though I still sometimes accidentally make myself more food than it turns out I wanted (imagine neural connections shorting unexpectedly creating temporary mind-body disconnect)
• I am, much more often than not, wanting no more than I have
• I am completely neutral/disinterested when I think of/am around foods I haven't been eating...more than I ever would have thought possible
Two little epiphanies I've had today:
• if I do go out to dinner tomorrow night, I don't think I'll have the chocolate cake. I simply don't want it anymore. I know I don't want the sugar, I know I don't want the gluten. yesterday, I think my body was calling for the chocolate in its PMS state. I'd actually asked Cap to make me sugar-free truffles about a week ago, but he's been too busy. I've been hearing the call for chocolate, but hadn't put two and two together. when he makes the truffles, I'll have a supply in the freezer...and will experiment more intentionally with call and response.
• fruity dessert recipes (which overpopulate the blogosphere this time of year), whether gluten-free, dairy-free, vegan, paleo or primal, are so often pretty to peruse and yes, would be impressive to serve at some tea party I'm never going to have, but I finally got it today: do not be a prisoner to your own illusion that this is how your fruit should be used. let the fruit float your boat. (and if you are eating local fruit in season, and have cut sugar and grains and dairy out, I swear you won't feel compelled to have a fruity dessert, baked or frozen, you will be that satisfied.)
I am amazed that in three weeks my brain has been so turned around. That I am no longer going through my day thinking about my next meal is profound. I am looking forward to digging even deeper...more meal planning/budget balancing, more integrating CSA veg into my days and more making the kids' food more Paleo.
Doing the Whole30 has certainly broken my coconut juice and mango kombucha habits. There is nothing wrong with either of these drinks, health-wise, in my opinion. Were they making me healthier? Probably not. Did I rely on them to give me happy boosts? Probably. Is there a benefit to not drinking them? Yes, to our checking account.
I have rediscovered the simple joys of drinking water. Partly, this is due to the fact that I have not replaced the electric kettle which conked out within a month of purchase. My tea brewing really suffers if there isn't an electric kettle around.
I got my period early (yesterday afternoon's teariness suddenly explained) and am pretty danged tired. So much so that I canceled my appointment with Vinny this afternoon. I went to feed the rats early so I could have the rest of the day free to chill. I have turned on the air conditioner ungodly early to avoid the late afternoon/early evening melts that seem to come out of nowhere. (Yesterday was so lovely, with a breeze, had the windows open all day and then, boom, around 7pm it felt like the apartment turned into an oven.) Also, I just feel better in the dry cool of the air conditioned air.
I'm glad it came early because I am hoping this will shift the timing of my period in August. This may mean I won't be traveling to Williamsburg on the second day of my period. (And that my period will essentially be done by the time we're down there.) The bad news is that the second day of this cycle will be tomorrow. I may cancel going into the city for Momoko's graduation dinner and the molten Valrhona chocolate cake. (Which, incidentally, I am starting to feel I may forego anyway now that my little spike of PMS hormones has smoothed out.)
Anyway, back to tea. As I washed up in the kitchen after our breakfast, I felt a tug for some iced tea. In my one and only Terra outing during the Whole30, I had an iced herbal tea which I found completely refreshing and satisfying. I didn't miss the honey at all. It's become a little beacon of positivity in my mind's eye. When the kids and I went to the library yesterday, I peeked in, but they were still on vacation.
So, after washing the oatmeal pot (Gem's breakfast request), I placed a pot of filtered water on a burner and went foraging in the tea basket. Because I have my period, I decided to go caffeine-free. Gentle appealed. But, I still wanted flavor. I chose Queen Bee, a tea Cap picked out for me last winter. A tea that promotes balance, specifically tuning into cycles...sweet, floral, fragrant. Perfect.
Once the tea is cool enough, I will pour it into one of our glass pitchers and get it real cold in the fridge. Looking forward to that first restorative sip.
...sounds like a great new way to express astonished delight, doesn't it?
It may be because I am off sugar, but this start to the fruit CSA has been memorable. The cherries, the blueberries, the peaches and today, the sweet purple sugar plums. The summer fruit has been delectable and distinctive.
Tried a new recipe today. Placed equal parts olive oil and balsamic vinegar (about 1/2 cup each) to generously cover the chicken (4 leg/thigh pieces), 4 scallions chopped, 6 cloves garlic pressed, in large Ziploc bag and massaged. Marinated for about two hours. Transferred to baking dish and baked in 350º oven for about 30 minutes and then on high broil for about 5 minutes.
The verdict? Smelled heavenly while baking. Looked amazing coming out of the oven. I think they could use some seasoning. Next time, I will marinate longer and bake for a skosh longer. The chicken was succulent and good...but I wanted more oomphy flavor.
Also...I was a bit distracted when making this dish. I forgot to put the mustard in (would have probably upped the flavor overall) and I missed the 30-45 minutes cooking time and thought it said 30 minutes. The recipe calls for salt and pepper, but then failed to insert when/how to season...which is how I missed the seasoning step.
This was easy to put together and I will definitely try it again!
P.S. Shannon had the first piece and I was still full from my lunch. I had one bite with some of her homemade sauerkraut and that was a winning combination.
Actually, I am already envisioning a rewriting of this cardinal rule: no gluten unless it is a special occasion and the opportunity to eat the original molten Valrhona chocolate cake. It won't make me healthier, but it will make me happy.
He took a rare tumble racing his brother from the car to the house. (He was born cautious.) He was stoked because he won anyway. His dirt-slapped knees reddening by the second sent me back to my own childhood summers. (I was not born cautious.)
He was so calm as he assured me that, no he didn't need my help, nor my instructions. He knew what to do. He cleaned himself up and opted for calendula over Neosporin. (That he let me apply gently with my fingertips.)
Can you see what he's reading? The kids were introduced to The Hunger Games playing Minecraft. Gem decided to try reading the books, aware that they are somewhat darker than his usual fare.
(Yesterday at the library, I mistakenly put a copy of Dragonball Z in his hands thinking it was Doctor Slump. "Oh, your aunt loved these when she was a kid!" He was pretty shocked at some of the content...though more fascinated/tickled than offended. I requested Doctor Slump from the library last night, we'll see what he thinks of that one next week.)
Every now and again I wonder what my life would have been like if we had not had children.
When the kids were itty bitty, I was astonished at how truly relentless parenting was. Once the relentlessness relented a little, it was time to adjust. I mourned the loss/delaying of things (work/career, travel, etc.) Now, I am at the mid-point. I am as close to post-kid as I was to pre-baby. There is still much to do day-to-day...but I can feel the promise of more time, more space, more self.
Today, a friend from high school posted to Facebook that an HGTV piece on his home had been highlighted on the front page of their publication. I clicked over and was delighted. He has a wonderful home with incredibly appealing design elements. I was a little wistful. What would it be like to be in mid-life, with renewed creative energy churning, with job/career/home/financial life aligned and poised to cushion you into the second half of your life?
I will never know firsthand. And that's okay. This isn't a pity post! Seeing Mark's place just brought home to me, in a stunningly visual way, an alternate view of "what if..." Go look and enjoy. (Oh, the private patio off the master bedroom with the hammock!)
Red leaf lettuce from the farm, a hothouse tomato, nearly the last of the store-bought roasted chicken leftover from common meal...dressed with salt, pepper, a splash of balsamic vinegar and a drizzle of olive oil. Some slices of Applegate Farm Genoa salami and a new pickle on the side. Yum.
I forgot to mention that the guac I had for dinner last night I ate with a fork. No tortilla chips. I think there was sugar in the glaze of the ribs appie (I ordered two appies: the Garlic Lime ribs and the Pork Belly and Diver Scallops tacos). I had one rib and shared the rest. The diver scallops were probably seared in butter or seed oil. Not sure how the pork belly was prepared... But, man, they were so good and not much had been done to them. There's no need with succulent and fresh pork belly and scallops!
I feel pretty good today. I was physically uncomfortable by the end of the movie, the main source of my discomfort being the scent of someone's perfume. It was Poison (hello '80s!) Having some time in the fresh air between the movie and dinner helped me recover.
I had a late night last night (the kids and I watched Next Food Network Star and then I watched True Blood) and then played musical beds and moved into Sag's bed at 4am. I am a little tired, a little grouchy and can feel a little something in my head...not a headache, but a tightness.
This morning, the kids came with me to feed the rats and then we traveled on to the library. Coming home with a sack of books is always nice. I'm currently, and very slowly, reading 11/22/63 but brought home The Year We Left Home, which I read somewhere, was very good.
I'm also having dreamy visions of knitting the o w l sweater after reading Kate Davies' story behind the pattern. I have long appreciated the pattern from afar and would love to sidle up closer to it.
I am thrilled that the air conditioners are OFF. I love my air conditioners when it is hot and humid, but truly, there is nothing like the balm of fresh air after a heat wave. It is in the mid-eighties, but relatively dry. I'll take it.
Our afternoon/evening in the city was really great. The movie was intense and beautiful and heartbreaking and life giving. It was incredibly well crafted and impressively honest. It was both stunningly quiet and jarringly loud. Very much worth seeing on the big screen.
It was wonderful being out and about in the summery city. I was happy. Traffic was a breeze getting in and out, we found a perfect and free parking spot, we talked about the movie in the shade of a stand of trees sitting on a granite bench...
And dinner with family was lovely. I loved the pork belly and diver scallop "tacos" (I requested salad greens in lieu of the corn tortillas) and the guacamole was scrumptious. I did not feel deprived for a moment, even when the churros came out for dessert. I was satisfied. I thought it would be hard to be around gluten-y sugar-y foods...and it was not...at all.
The kids and I were reading. A Mini Marvel for Sag, a 39 Clues for Gem and Stephen King for me. Once I decided to be more authentic...to deepen my mind-body connection, I put down 11/22/63 and picked up It Starts With Food (a new link with Q&A w/the authors).
It was bugging me, the echoes of "DON'T CHEAT!" On the one hand, I know I am cheating on the Whole30 program by eating out tonight (and Thursday night) and not committing to eating food that is 100% Whole30 compliant.
On the other, I know I've gained more insight in the past 20 days than I thought I would and am gratefully looking ahead to a healthier way with food. I feel ready to let go of the taut reins for one meal tonight and another on Thursday night, mindfully and with as much consciousness and intention that I can muster, which is, more now than pre-Whole30.
As a Whole30 acolyte, I thought picking up The Book might help...but I was also afraid of what I might see and didn't want to be tied down.
(Not going to analyze that one, but glad to put it out there rather than hide it.)
I was relieved, and delighted, to find these words (in a chapter section called The Good News, no less):
"Why go through all that self-deception, when the fact that [fill in the blank] is just plain delicious is a good enough reason all by itself to indulge? We're not food robots. We like to indulge from time to time, just like the rest of you. But we're honest about our reasons, and we want you to be honest too: "This food/drink is not making me healthier, but that's OK, because it's delicious/special/culturally-relevant/emotionally-significant.
We fully support those reasons."
I am a little sad that I am foregoing the full Whole30 experience by going "off the reservation" for these two meals. But, as the authors mention in the Q&A in the link above, the Whole30 is designed to be a template for self-experimentation.
I'm going to trust in the process...and see how it continues to unfold.
I am nervous about tonight's dinner out. I keep imagining myself tucking into some extravagant dessert.
(Our intention was to take my mom out to celebrate her birthday. But, an unexpected and harmonic convergence is bringing together my mom, my cousin, my second cousin and my sister! So we will be a happy party of six.)
Maybe saying some guidelines out loud will help:
• no gluten
• unless it's truly a single size portion, halve my entrée and bring half home/share it with the table
• stick to meat/seafood/veg and choose something un-/less saucy
• savor the tableside making of the guacamole...and the guacamole itself
• skip dessert (unless they have fruit) and enjoy a good cup of coffee
• revel in the kid-less conversation and the delight we all take in the occasion
Last night we had our traditional night-before-our-friends-leave-for-Germany-for-the-summer dinner. I realized the menu was Whole30 compliant except for the buns (and condiments) so I snapped a pic. This was a meal gobbled up by all, Paleo or not. The kids were silent for the fifteen minutes or so it took for them to enjoy their burgers. A special kind of quiet.
Turkey burgers (seasoned with granulated garlic, onion flakes, salt and pepper), baked sweet potato fries, new pickles, tomatoes, red leaf lettuce (from the farm), watermelon, and Udi's GF burger buns.
(Incidentally, I do have recipes for Paleo mayo and ketchup. Haven't made them yet, though...and my guess is that the kids would not love them right away...especially the ketchup.)
I topped my burger with tomato and used several leaves of lettuce as my "bun". It was delicious.
So was relaxing with friends while we watched the kids play and enjoy each other.
My ambition at lunch time was to eat something yummy and nourishing that was simple to prepare. As I sat, munching happily, it occurred to me to take a photo...and I hesitated. A photo of roast beef wrapped around homemade guacamole? But then, I thought: it was not your ambition to prepare a visually stunning, or even pleasing, dish for lunch. This was not meant to be served to a guest. This was not meant to be fancy.
So here's my food shot for the day. Whole Paycheck's house roast beef and a scrumptious homemade guac (ripe organic avocado, 2 cloves pressed garlic, squeeze of lime, salt and pepper). It was really satisfying.
(I don't miss bread. And I am beginning not to miss the brown rice wraps. It's a combination of getting used to eating things like roast beef wrapped around guacamole and thinking of it as "normal" and an increasingly heightened awareness of the negative effects of grains on the body/brain.)
I'm tired, but pushing myself to do the minimum, air conditioners cooling every room except the bathroom. I cleaned the bathroom, cleaned much of the kitchen, went to Silke and Roger's to receive my rat feeding tutorial from Lukas, fixed the kids breakfast and lunch, and firmed up plans for a date day in Manhattan tomorrow (Beasts of the Southern Wild and an early dinner at Rosa Mexicano with my mom who celebrates a birthday next week).
I'm excited to spend a big chunk of time with Cap. I had an epiphany yesterday (via an email from the TCM Center which had a bit of advice in it from Master Lu...while I was sitting in Vinny's waiting room...very meta) and am curious about what will unfold from it. This is probably going to sound so simple it will seem crazy. I am delighted in anticipation of change that I hope will come.
I want to spend more time with Cap. I need to spend more time with him, to be happier...and more whole. I married the guy so we could spend the rest of our lives together.
Adjusting to less time with each other, as well as, expanding our attention to include the kids, has been a journey. Necessary and what we signed up for. In the last few years, I think I have been suppressing my need for more time with and attention from Cap for two reasons (which were somewhat intertwined): he felt a lot of pressure to receive tenure and then a promotion (and generally be the family provider) and I didn't want to be needy/unreasonable.
These days the timing is better. I have more mind space and clarity and am beginning to be able to pluck into the murky sub levels of consciousness to retrieve feelings and see them for what they really are. He has officially gotten his promotion (though the pay bump is not-yet-concrete since faculty have been working without a contract for over a year while the State struggles with budgetary issues) and is enjoying a somewhat more relaxed stance with his working summer now fully underway.
We are still decluttering, we still need to talk shop about homeschooling, and now, I've thrown this concept into the ring: more time together on a regular basis. For now, I am really looking forward to tomorrow. A movie with my sweetie...just like the old days. (The restaurant has a gluten-free menu, too!)
Roasted a large tray of broccoli from the farm. The heads were in such compact, pristine condition I didn't bother washing them. Tossed with olive oil, salt and pepper (before roasting), I could eat this stuff all day. Bacon does give it a lovely oomph, but this batch, without it, satisfying in its own right.
Finding it very hard to concentrate again. Listless. Off to see Vinny soon.
Hmm. Again, I look better than I feel. Lighter and brighter. I'll take it. (I'll also take my reemerging jawline :-)
Yesterday was controlled go-go-go. I guess a bit too much go-go-go, nonetheless. I am worn out today. For now I am opting to forego the go-ings I thought I'd do today: cleaning, shopping, decluttering, reorganizing...choosing letting go-ing.
Staying still in the growing heat and humidity of the day under the ceiling fan. Enveloped in my Oakland shirt.
I enjoyed some homemade dressing on the salad at dinner tonight. The dressing had about a tablespoon of honey in it.
• it tasted good, but the sweet bordered on overwhelming for my (new) palate.
• within an hour of eating the dressing, my heart rate was up. it felt like the sugar from the honey activated the caffeine still in my system from the iced Americano I nursed all afternoon. (which didn't give me jitters during that time.)
• after washing up from dinner and saying to goodbye to my last lingering friend, I ate a peach. it was tart and nowhere near as delectable as the one I had at lunch time. the difference? the second peach was post-honey.
Very interesting. I can't believe my relationship with honey may have been forever altered...
We received our first peaches from the orchard on Tuesday. They ripened right up in the hothouse kitchen. I took my first bite while prepping lunch and o h m y g o d. I was, instantly, so appreciative for life. My life. It was like the peach and I were one. I was flooded with outrageous peachy-ness. Truly, it was an honor and gift.
A few minutes later, this song came on the iPod. When the lyrics came to: "...I will show you, you're so much better than you know...", I started welling up, surprising myself. I kind of pushed it back down, instinctively and did not cry outright. But, I stayed with it long enough to realize that I was not moved thinking about my own children (which is my usual association when I hear this song, apparently a song Sade wrote for her child/ren). I was reconnecting to myself, to the feelings of insecurity that defined much of my childhood and adolescence. I suppose this is fairly universal, many of us would probably love to go back in time and give our younger selves a big hug and assure them you're so much better than you know.
I credit the Whole30 for rewiring my taste buds and sensory self. It is definitely contributing to a deeper voyaging of my psyche...where some of the tougher roots of my issues reside.
The boys and I spent a chunk of time at Kmart and Whole Paycheck. I got myself one of those chairs that folds right up and goes in a sack you can sling over your shoulder. I'm hoping that will get me to the pool more. I bought pool passes to the town pool again this year and am determined to get there regularly. Kmart did not come through on my main objective: a new Brita filter pitcher. (What I really want is this, but we don't have the money or space for it right now.)
At Whole Paycheck, Sag waited very patiently for a turn with the cheese guy. He had samples of smoked gouda and a new-to-him cheese, Amadeus. He really liked the Amadeus so we got some of that and some d'Affinois which was on sale. It was interesting watching him...I could completely understand the allure of cheese and appreciated the devotion in his process. But, my own history with cheese, my passion for it...had been completely disconnected at the chemical/physical level. I literally could leave it. Had no interest in taking part. And, unlike my experience with the chocolate on day 12, I did not feel a shred of loneliness being set apart from all those cheeses.
Wow. I guess that's what they mean by rewiring the brain.
After loading up with stuff for dinner and beyond (it always goes beyond, especially at the big and shiny Whole Paycheck in a neighboring town), I treated myself to an iced Americano. Zowee! That is strong! But, good...flavorful and hearty. Taking baby sips.
The kitchen should be cooled down by now. Off to clean out and reorganize the fridge and make some lunch. Then, on to getting ready for common meal.
Last night I had some sips of coconut water and also some rooibos iced tea. The tea had a teaspoon of honey in it, though I think most of it was in a clump at the bottom of the glass.
They both tasted kind of...unpalatable.
I've been having issues with our Brita filtered water tasting bad, too.
What's up taste buds?
On the upside, only my back hurt when I woke up, I was happy to see the green and yellow of summer morning out the window, and I got out of bed and showered while everyone else slept. I could feel in my bones whatever had felled me the last couple of days had moved on.
As I dug around in my dresser remembering that my two go-to pants of the past few steamy weeks were both in the laundry, I gamely pulled out my orange Prana cargo pants (from a Sacramento REI clothing splurge seven or eight years ago)...and they fit.
My stomach is still "apple" like and I still see bloat in the mirror, but that initial layer of blubber has come off. I am curious about my measured weight, but am going to hold off stepping on the scale for as long as possible.
We're hosting common meal tonight. Cap baked the corn bread last night and he'll be out of the house all day for teacher training. The kids and I will clean the apartment and go foraging for no-cooking-involved food at the place that likes to forage my wallet for all our money.
I will take it slowly. And with grateful breaths for how much better I feel today.
They don't call 'em big guns for nothing. My intestines expunged themselves heartily. (Vinny's techniques, not my intestines...I mentioned earlier today he brought out the big guns yesterday...)
This is different from chronic digestive issues of the poopy kind. It's more akin to having a stomach bug. Except I like to think of it as not being in reaction to a perceived threat...but the result of forceful intention...of healing down the bones (à la writing down the bones).
Enough about that.
I enjoyed the first of the manga Cap brought me back from Japan. It's got some supernatural stuff, family stuff and nature/environmental stuff. I liked it a lot and sent my dad an email asking him to pick me up the second volume.
Then, I crept back into bed. Which I never, ever do. I am not a napper and you will find me in bed during the day only if I am very sick. (Which is extremely rare.) But, the call was strong and I knew I needed rest. So I lay down while Cap and the kids went over to Danielle's to watch the town's 4th of July parade (it goes right in front of their house).
I didn't fall asleep. Eventually, I picked up It Starts With Food. I've been wanting to flip through the book again to delve deeper into what it means to "start with food". I was not disappointed. In fact, I was kind of frightened. I read about four hormones and their effect on our brains and bodies pertaining to food and its digestion.
One good thing: if you are someone who has ever felt bad about yourself around your psychological eating/eating psychology, read these sections of the book. It does a lot to demystify what actually happens in our bodies when we eat those delicious sweet/fatty/salty processed convenience foods with their supernatural flavors and why we are compelled to inevitably overeat them. It can't help you figure out your own personal emotional triggers, but it clearly outlines the hormonal/chemical reactions and triggers which are set in motion when we eat them, and moreover, the neural/neurological workings of how the habits become permanently mapped.
The theory seems to be that by changing the food you put into your body for 30 days, you can do significant rewiring of the brain and create and reinforce new tracks. The Hartwigs combine science and anecdote in a way that makes the information compelling and accessible. I'm digging this book so far, though their tone annoys me every now and again.
