More method, less madness

I've been keeping track of our expenses and income for nearly two years now.  (The first year's data helped me to create a budget based on our real life expenses.)  I recently created a table which breaks down our expenses by month and category.  I used this information last week to figure out that from January through July of 2010, we were in the red about $2500.  (We spent $2500 more than we made.)

Knowledge truly is power.

So, I've set the goal to reduce our expense overage by 50% for the period of August to December 2010.  More would be great, but unrealistic at the moment.  It would be cool to check in at the 3/4 mark, the end of September, and if we were successful, to make a push to reduce the overage more for the last quarter of the year.  We shall see.

I decided to start very concretely and relatively small (not so much in amount of money, but in amount of mental space).  Our groceries budget is $1000 for the month, $250 per week.  From January through July of this year, we went over budget by an average of $343 per month or $86 per week.

This morning I filled in a meal plan (I have a template that I photocopy), made a shopping list and went food shopping by myself (it is always nice to have time at home on the weekend to do things like meal plan and then food shop without kids...FYI, after dinner on Saturday nights/early on Sunday mornings supermarkets tend to be pretty empty).

I went off-list for three things: two staple items I hadn't thought of while making my list, and a coconut water for myself to rehydrate after a particularly nasty food binge last night.  I made an effort to stick to the items on the list.

At the register, I used my debit card to pay.  I waited to see what the total was, figured the difference between our groceries budget for the week and today's total (there isn't always going to be a difference, but there was one today), and took that amount out of our checking account as cash back.

Once home, I put the cash in one of the pockets of my ADD organizers (see photo above...I pushed the cash down once the pic was taken :-)  That is now the amount we have left for the week, for any grocery items.

It feels good to have some strategies come together...progression with awareness feels good, too.

Early morning

Did some brain stretching over at Every Day Eclectic inspired by a blog post at Seth's Blog.

Porch shots

The light was amazing while I waited for my friend this evening.  Motes of latter summer.

The Kids Are All Right

Loved it.

Check out Lisa Cholodenko's films: High Art, Laurel Canyon and The Kids Are All Right.  Each interesting and really good, sayeth this reviewer :-)

TGIF

(Not really...  My reality is not heavily tied into the days of the week.)

At the moment, I am happy that it is Friday because I have plans to see The Kids Are All Right with friends tonight (Mark Ruffalo on the big screen?  Yes, please.)  We'll be going to Terra for food and drink beforehand.  I still have a gift certificate, a birthday present from Kate, that I will try to remember to bring with me.  I'm feeling the urge to buy a piece of jewelry.  A memory-piece to remind me of what is important when I see it.

To breathe, to love, to keep moving, in peace.

Cooking fun

Do you know about Cooking with Dog?  (Not as in eating the dog...there's a cute gray poodle who hangs out while the cook does her thing :-)  Check it out on YouTube.  I love this and can't wait to spend time watching and adjusting for GFCF and dishing up some yummy Japanese home cooking.

Mossy moment

angles, textures and shadows.

Oh

Just had a thought: lately, if I am bothered by someone (as opposed to something though if the something is making me all flustered then the thing would be considered, too), there is a pattern: I'm PMS-y...my system is experiencing some sort of hormonal surge or drop.

Because I am a female of a certain age (I'm assuming here...maybe it has more to do with the years long process of recalibrating I am undergoing), my PMS attacks are no longer happening a few days before my period.  Yesterday it was an ovulation spike (the lightbulb went on really bright as I was shoveling yet another handful of Glutino pretzels into my mouth...alternating the salt with squares of Divine choc).  I've also noticed in the last half year or so that I have emo waves as my period is ending, rather than before it comes.

The shifts of timing have thrown me off balance, but in a wonderful way, have opened my eyes.

What's helpful about this type of knowledge is that when I realize what's happening inside me, I can attempt to check myself.  Keep my trap shut and wait for it to pass because it will, it always does.  But, most of us menstruatin' women know that this is sometimes impossible.  It's part of the package, the wild powerful womanly craziness that is PMS.

This isn't to say that I completely ignore who/what is bothering me.  There is inevitably a hurt or frustration or confusion that is running below the surface.  Something worth excavating and either studied or tossed aside as useless detritus.

But, that urge to express and expunge, a primal need dictated by hormonal activity...it is by definition uncontrollable...by embracing it and knowing it, I can be with it a little better...hold it till the storm quiets.

Over and over

A sad song that has gotten under my skin...laying right on my nerve endings. (I include the lyrics for those of you, who, like me, have a hard time hearing the words when listening to a song.)

A funny aside: concert audiences in Japan, in my experience (from 20 years ago), were shockingly well-behaved. Incredibly respectful and quiet. This live video clip makes it sound like things haven't changed much, I swear you could hear a pin drop during the pauses of Rachael's singing and piano playing!



I really thought I was okay
I really thought I was just fine
But when I woke this time
There was nothing to take me back to sleep
To take you off my mind this time

And I keep saying over and over and over and over again
Let it rain, let it rain
Over and over and over and over again
Let it rain, let it rain

I need to hide within a storm
So have the lightning come
And bring the winds that scream
And spill the fog all over town

And hold me in your stand still ground
And I will sink down
And you'll be washed away
You'll be washed away

Over and over and over and over again
Let it rain, let it rain
Over and over and over and over again
Let it rain, let it rain

I really thought I was okay
I really thought I was just fine
But when I woke up this time
There was nothing to take you off my mind

Over and over and over and over again
Let it rain, let it rain
Over and over and over and over again
Let it rain, let it rain

I need to hide within the storm
So have the lightning come
And bring the winds that scream
Spill the fog all over town

And break through every door
And strip away the trees and raise the rivers high
Just help me drown

And hold me in your stand still ground
And I will sink down
And you'll be washed away
You'll be washed away

It had to be you

StoryCorps

Happy about this:


http://artsbeat.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/08/10/storycorps-radio-histories-coming-to-television/

Kindness

Every now and again a piece I would put into my 'Shared Items' box impels me to add a link here, in the center ring.  This one, on the Sustainability of Kindness, is just such a one.

Sometimes I feel regret and guilt because I am not out and about in a community, in service, as I once was.  I know I'll get back in that fray again, it's never far from my mind.  But, in the meantime, the reality is that I can improve the quality of life of those with whom I do come into contact, by being kind and modeling the hows and whys of kindness.

Brothers

on speakerphone with his brother.

Tonight as he made his second Pokedex book in as many nights, Sag told me, without looking up form his work, that he can't wait to see his brother again.

Tonight he was having trouble with "bad thoughts" as he starting feeling sleepy and vulnerable (giant spiders under the bed).

Thank goodness his dad called as soon as they were back to their hotel after the game.  Sag bounded out of the bedroom reaching for the phone.  On the Canadian side, Cap dutifully handed the phone to Gem and the two brothers talked and caught up.

Sag fell asleep almost as soon as his head hit the pillow.

His brother will be home tomorrow night.

Esperanza Spalding

You can listen to Esperanza Spalding's new cd, Chamber Music Society, for free, here, till about August 17 when it is released.

It's really nice so far.  I like it.

All quiet...

Last night was wonderful, interesting, and quiet.  Very quiet.

I made burgers for dinner and it was like a most excellent cookout in our own kitchen.  I used beef because Cap, the resident non-red meat eater was not there.  Seasoned it with salt, pepper, garlic powder and dried minced onion.  Sag had his with melted muenster cheese (his cheese of choice) and pink sauce (mayo and ketchup), I had mine with guacamole and mayo.  And, the buns?  Gluten-y white flour buns from Whole Foods (the exclamation pointed claim on the bag: organic and vegan!, cracked me up) because our GF boy was also away.

It was so quiet while we ate because we were thoroughly enjoying our food.  We kept glancing up and smiling at each other.  Then, Sag declared that I could open the best fastfood restaurant with these burgers.  :-)

After dinner, Sag occupied himself for hours before going to bed.  He drew and read and played with his Pokemon cards.  At times, I felt adrift, not sure what to do.  He was in bed by 9:30 and read till about 11:00.  We snuggled for a few minutes and he fell asleep.  It was the first time in weeks, maybe months, that he didn't have "bad thoughts" as he tried to fall asleep.

Quiet and peaceful.

Some tidbits:

• watched the first episode of Breaking Bad last night and found it very compelling.  "Hal" from Malcolm in the Middle was very believable as a 50 year old family man in crisis across various facets of his life, driven to "break bad", and, make me care.  this series takes place in New Mexico and I am assuming it's shot there.  I used to want to move to New Mexico...for a long time it was a life dream/goal.  it was interesting to see the landscape while watching the episode and alternately finding it beautiful and, for me, unlivable.

• my Dad has booked our Japan tickets.  the kids and I will be in Japan for 10 days in February.  Cap will be there for a week (the bringer home of the bacon can only be away from work for a week).  my Dad is putting together a ceremony commemorating the passing of my grandfather (at the time it will have been seven years).  the kids and I will be flying to the Bay area where we will visit with Auntie Barbra and Audrey and whoever else we can manage to see.  very excited.  deeply happy for the opportunity to travel with the kids.

• the game in Syracuse last night was rained out.  they are now on their way to Toronto and should be there soon.

• straightened up the linen closet.  the dust bunnies looked alien (a Mars dust-y red).  scary.  couldn't muster a deep reorg in there because of the heat.  the bathroom is the one room I haven't insisted on putting an AC unit into.

• Daniel is over and the kids are watching an Indiana Jones movie.  peaceful.  except for the mayhem that pops up in the movie every now and again.

• my copy of Clean arrived in the mail yesterday!

New additions

I've added an e-mail subscription widget and one for posts and comments via readers.  You can find them on the sidebar below the live traffic feed.  Thanks to Denise for the nudge :-)

Just can't get enough

This chocolate is so tasty. It is creamy for a dark chocolate. Between that and what I'm guessing is a higher than average sugar content, it's an irresistible bar for me lately.

I use it to pick me up in the late afternoon/early evening.

Icelandic sound

Makes me want to bang a drum...twirl and whirl...run into the ocean...swing my kids up and around...laugh until I cry...

This morning

It was a quietly emotionally intense early morning. At times I felt like I couldn't breathe. Almost cried in the shower...wished I had for awhile.

Gem was snuggly and of fewer words than usual. One thing we have in common is a sensitivity to having to wait for something we've never directly experienced before.

Sag pulled down Vanessa's album, then the scrapbook Jamie made of her visit to Sacramento (full of pics of the kids when they were 3 and 4ish), then the rest of the albums with lots of baby and toddler pictures.

I am moving on to cleaning the place up. One project for the next few days: decluttering and organizing anew the scary places behind closed doors...the kitchen pantry and the linen closet.

Finger in the dam

I'm sending off Gem on a great baseball adventure to commemorate his first decade.

He and Cap will be road tripping through Cooperstown, Syracuse, Toronto, Niagara Falls, and Scranton. Three baseball games on three consecutive nights. In Toronto they will be seeing the Red Sox play the Blue Jays.

I love this itinerary. Gem picked Toronto as his destination and Cap and I filled in the blanks. Gem's love of baseball has grown exponentially in the last few months. He is excited for this trip.

My feelings of love, joy, and nervous tension, are reaching a crescendo tinged with undeniable bittersweet. I've never watched him drive away from me, he's never gone on a trip without me.

The kitchen is so good for transferring and transforming this type of emotional whirlwind. I made one of the kids' favorite dinners tonight: meatloaf. They were in heaven, I felt very grounded, all was good.

Now I hear them talking in their room with the night light on, sleep running a distant second to the hum coursing through their systems as they anticipate tomorrow. My pulse is quickening, too. Time to go chill.

Side note: I am very much looking forward to three days alone with Sag. Sag, who will be dealing with his own experience of being separated from his brother, and being fully aware of it, for the first time ever.

How to be alone

Being alone has been a challenge for me most of my life. Now that I am embedded in a family with two still very much growing children, it feels like a near impossible task. This video is empowering and inspiring and loving and yummy yummy food for thought.

Smile

(He had costumed himself to play Indiana Jones in a movie he was making with Sag and Daniel.)

Hunger

Having
unanswered
niggling
gaps, gorges, gashes
evolve
resoultely.

It may not be so much about relearning how to feed myself...though there is value to that.

But, how to let the hunger go...to let it burn itself out...to soothe it to oblivion. To heal.

Standing between heaven and earth? My nemesis may be the answer to my prayers. It's what Vinny has been telling me now for years.

Time to breathe and go write down some things I am grateful for.

Time to turn this mother out :-)

The chemistry of gratitude

Last night I remembered to write five things I felt grateful for in my Gratitude Journal. I was really tired and almost forgot. It didn't take long, the things I thought of were fairly simple.

This morning, I realized that I slept better than I have in awhile. It took me a bit to fall asleep. And I woke wishing I could catch another 30 minutes, but my younger has a cold and was up and alternately rolling around vigorously on the bed and bouncing up and out of bed to blow his nose.

The most notable and positive quality to my waking? My stomach didn't hurt. Or burn. Or feel tight. And this was after a dinner of eggplant parm and onion rings!

My knowledge is intuitive (though I bet there's some scientific research to back it up)...and I know that the time I spent feeling grateful for some things in my life last night before going to bed changed something in me, something for the better. Whether it was chemical or energetic or mental, it doesn't matter.

Most of us know that experiencing gratitude makes us feel good. What was cool about last night/this morning was realizing how easily we can transport ourselves to experiencing gratitude. And to feeling good.

A sleeping pup at one's feet doesn't hurt either.

Crevasse

I believe I've hit the nadir. Which is a good thing, because that now means there's no other way but up.

Ordered in eggplant parm and onion rings for dinner (fed the fam leftover spaghetti and a grilled cheese sandwich).

A gross in every way observation: after I ate, I started sweating bullets. My system has gone into overdrive to deal with the oil, the sodium, the white flour, the dairy.

Ready to turn over (a new leaf) again.

This Holistic Life

A shout out to my (online) friend Denise and her blog, This Holistic Life.

I am getting a lot of energy and inspiration from her posts. I heard about Clean from her blog, and tonight, I am renewing my commitment to practicing daily intentional gratitude by starting a Gratitude Journal (I've tried and thought about this before but it hasn't stuck.)

Peace and love.

Felicity

I knit up a storm last night and finished Felicity this morning. Thanks to Melody for the mods, I love my new slouchy cozy hat :-)

The little things

Pokemon is still going strong here. The kids have been drawing/making their own Pokemon cards (they buy cards, as well).

He's reading about World Cup soccer during a D.E.A.R. (drop everything and read) time. Sag has been reading Captain Underpants books lately and I recently started Children of God (the sequel to The Sparrow).

I am so pleased that Apollo hasn't expired during his stay with us. I cleaned his tank the other night and he is invigorated.

These are the lists the kids made for today. Notice the joker who wrote "today's date" at the top of his paper.

It's been a quiet and busy day. A pleasant hum of activity has been our background music. Sag has a sore throat I'm keeping my eye on, I'm knitting Felicity every chance I get, I'm fiddling with poetic words and phrases, and realizing that I don't have an episode of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia to watch tonight. That's okay, I have last night's Louie to carry me over.

I may be an ADDish Renaissance woman, but I'm feeling the energy of coming into my own as a Renaissance woman and am digging it.

Pre-clean

I have 15 minutes before heading out to Vinny's.

I was flipping through the detox book Clean today and had some thoughts. Noticing the time, I jumped in the shower and had some more thoughts.

The book mentioned that moving "no" foods out of the house is a good idea during the detox/cleansing process. A problem I've had in the past during Dragon's Way was spending (too) much energy planning and prepping my own food, in addition to, everyone else's. However, I don't expect the rest of the family to follow Dragon's Way or an eating for detox routine.

When the next two Bed, Bath and Beyond coupons come my way, I am going to invest in a sturdy blender (this one, I think) and juicer (this one, I think).

In the meantime, I am renewing my commitment to preparing the whole family more whole foods and less processed foods. And really encouraging them (and me!) to "eat food, not too much, mostly plants".

In the meantime, I'm thinking checklists. Organized by day in a week-at-a-glance format. For me and for the rest of the family. Visual reminders to help us prioritize and do, so that we are doing what we want to be doing and doing what we need to be doing.

I am envisioning that by the time I have a powerful blender and good juicer as part of my kitchen team, it will be easier for me to transition to a deeper, more focused detox routine.

Time to go!

Mumble

Hopped on the liquid caffeine, gluten and dairy train and boy do I feel crappy.

• once I step on...it's almost always an express making no local stops.

• kind of like PMS (and kind of not), it brings to the fore underlying unpleasant unmooring.

Accounting work today.

Helix

Time bends and the helix twists and souls are brought together if even for a short while. Anna and crew are here for 24 hours that feels much fuller. Looking each other in the eye, laughing and talking, sitting side by side quietly reading, comic book store, baseball game, Thai food, stadium seating, Rita's, Wii, Incan Gold, blueberry cake breakfast and Erik's Silly Restaurant dessert...

Ouch

Seth Godin's concise piece on "Sabotage". His knife is sharp, the cut is clean and fast...

Gratitude

For beautiful summer days like today. For friends like ours. For moments like this.

Drag

Is it the stress of identity theft (three more charges posted to the account, the grand total is now $1000)?

Was it the traditional Finnish cuppa at Tiina's yesterday afternoon (complete in Moomin cup)?

Was it the unusual twofer of crisis conversing with friends in the evening, one in a neighborhood pub and one in the blue chair in the bedroom as the clock hands approached 11:00?

Perhaps the not waning fast enough for my waters full moon?

I finally drifted off to sleep around 4:30am.

Slogging through my morning routines (Qigong has fallen out of favor yet again) and rolling to Kelly's soon. This afternoon: tidying the place up for Anna and her crew who are descending for the weekend. Hoping to get my hands going and soul rapturing on some peach pie, too. I've got 10 lbs. of ripe luscious peaches from the orchard chilling out in the fridge.

Two books have arrived from the library: Children of God, the sequel to The Sparrow, and Clean, a book about self-healing through detoxing the body.

Time...it is slipping and sliding through my fingers...

Plummet

The hormonal emo-PMS started sometime during common meal. I made good food, bathed happily in my friends' proclamations of satisfaction and gratitude, but could feel myself slipping into a quiet place. A familiar cocoon.

It's been a busy few days of doing, doing, doing, fueled by a burst of energy and of necessity. (update: Cap had a friend bolt cut his cast off two nights ago and he has an appointment with a second ortho doc next week. He's been in e-mail contact with our trusted family doc who has been advising him---before and after the fact of his journey as the case may be---along the way.)

By the time I'm done cleaning and shutting down the kitchen for the night and then scrolling through my Reader items, it's approaching 10pm and I'm too tired to help the kids with showers, but will the energy to give them massages. (Sag's lasts only a couple of minutes as he finds them very giggle-inducing.)

By the time I've tucked them in, blessings recited for all (Sag has some stuffed animal 'bros' who each get one, too), it's almost 11pm.

Last night, by this point, my blood was beginning to do the hormonal boil. My patience was flatlined and I hated the way I sounded. I went in to apologize and was forgiven on the spot.

A kernel of remembrance brought me back to the computer (the previous night I was surprised at the dip in our balance) and I logged onto my bank account. And there I saw it: someone(s) else has been busy, too. Using my hacked debit card number to help themselves to cash.

Anger, anxiety, a sense of invasion and hopelessness. (I feel exposed and brought into violent community against my will. And I know this is nothing compared to what millions of other souls experience day-to-day in terms of being 'brought into violent community against their wills'. This strikes horror in my heart.)

(Our bank has shown itself to be equipped to handle this type of situation seemingly efficiently, so far. The amounts should be credited back by the beginning of next week pending our faxing them back an affidavit which they have already e-mailed me a pdf of. $700. Scary.)

An episode of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia helped last night. It smoothed out the frazzle enough that I could fall asleep sometime past 1am.

This morning there were some more charges that hadn't yet posted last night. Felt like another blow to this psyche made tender by hormones. It should all be over soon. The account number has been flagged as stolen, a new number has been generated, life goes on. I wonder how much money banks lose over this kind of thing every year? I know they still make plenty of profit. It's all kind of messed up.

Woke to the sound of rain hitting air conditioner metal.

This morning the kids are watching a Harry Potter movie they picked up at the library yesterday. I'm heading into the kitchen to roast a chicken and put away the (clean) accoutrement of common meal. This afternoon, a play date at Tiina's. Tonight a planned phone date with a beloved friend.

Peace to you today.

Sign of life

When my mom gave up the house in Queens, the childhood home of my memories, she gave up a seasonal cast of flora with which to express her art in tea ceremony.

Our yard, for which I can take virtually no credit, sometimes provides her with a spark of color, a bit of the outside brought in. When we went over on Sunday, my mom made a small request and so I brought her some of this. (The only bloom, other than the hydrangeas, in a yard that has been the scene of a lot of hot, dehydrating weather.)

I like being a bridge between my mom and the natural world.

In the kitchen

Seaweed soup simmering.

Black and kidney bean 'mush' resting.

White rice cooking (for onigiri making).

Agave-sweetened red bush tea icing.

Bag of Yukon Golds waiting.

More cooking tomorrow, Wednesday night common meal is back on and we're hosting.

A good day

A cold front came through last night. Sag and I slept together in the living room (he's been having some intense bouts of "bad thoughts" at bedtime). The windows were wide open all night. I love that. I slept like a baby.

I lassoed the morning with some structure and organization. After breakfast the kids and I spent two hours together reading, playing Chutes and Ladders (hopefully not again anytime soon, I can't stand that game), and writing. More structure means I'm going to have to do some planning and prepping. Re-enter one passion, another will have to exit. (So it goes in my world of musical interests/activities.)

We spent the afternoon at Danielle's. The kids played, I did a bit of food shopping, and D and I got to spend some time hanging out which we haven't done in awhile. It was wonderfully relaxing.

I read aloud a chapter of The Middle Moffat after we got home. Put some rice in the rice cooker and then the kids and I watched last night's episode of "Next Food Network Star". I made a patchwork type of dinner: three different types of sandwiches for three of us, rice for the fourth, anchoring it all with sautéed zucchini, onion and garlic from the farm.

Cap took the kids to the comic book store for some birthday gift shopping. And once I got the kitchen cleaned up, I caught up with my online stuff and then opened the box that arrived in the mail this morning.

me and my cone.

I'm going to enjoy tonight's episode of The Closer with my gelati from Rita's. A hormonal treat which may also teach the kids the value of finishing one's truly small portion of vegetables...you never know when dessert is going to be something as sweet as Rita's.

On deck for tomorrow: washing the kitchen floor, playdate with Melody and her boys, the Stix-n-Stitches birthday yarn sale (I have a gift certificate!), CSA pick up (veggies! fruit! chicken! eggs!), and an appointment with Vinny.

Ongoing: falling back in love with reading...

Today

The big event will be the show: Walking with Dinosaurs at Madison Square Garden with my mom. She's into theatrical productions big and small. When I was little she took my sibs and me to see Annie, Joseph's Technicolor Dreamcoat and Beatlemania on Broadway. She also encouraged us to sing in the church choir and perform in the annual children's theater shows.

As an adult I've been less enamored with musicals, but have enjoyed aspects of performances she has taken me to, including Phantom and Damn Yankees. Honestly, she's taken me to see so many productions I'm sure I don't remember all of them. But, they are all in me, bits and parts of art and music and wonder and emotion...and I am grateful.

As the kids have become beings who can sit and tolerate the sights and sounds of live theater, my mom has begun to take them to performances, as well. I think the first one was The Christmas Spectacular at Radio City Music Hall. Then last year it was Cirque du Soleil's Wintuk. This year, it's Walking with Dinosaurs.

It will be one of those hot days in the city that I remember well from my childhood/adolescence. The shimmers and smells that bake onto themselves as you waft in and out. Each movement and moment in seeming slow motion. The melting pot temperature on super boil as any breeze attempting to break through the fortress gets turned away.

No mind though, as my mom's perfected GFCF Japanese style pan fried chicken will be our dinner. Yum, yum and yum.

Yesterday afternoon Shannon hosted a lovely get together. We watched some episodes of Arrested Development. (First we indoctrinated Elizabeth into the Church of Bluth and yesterday it was Joan's turn :-) We ate delicious fruit, veggies and dips. We sipped root beer and coconut water. We talked, shared and laughed.

Last night I started reading Last Night at the Lobster. I'm still reading On Writing, but the memoir part is over and now it's about writing. Still good stuff, but not quite the lyrical experience I need to unwind at the end of the day.

Hope you're having some lyrical experience this weekend :-)

Who's gorge?

The magic of a great cut and color :-) Traci @ Bangz is an artist.

Where I'm at...

• bumping into inspiration and laughing out loud and welling up while reading On Writing, loving Stephen King. (have loved his writing since I was a teenager)

• loving each incredibly savory drop of my Williamsburg souvenir. a (big) bottle of Falconero extra virgin olive oil (scroll down the link to read info). purchased at A Chef's Kitchen (where the grown ups had a delightful dinner while Uncle Takai hung out with the kids one night), bottled in western Sicily where my parents happened to be before they returned to NY for our trip.

• noting the resistance I feel to spending too much time in the kitchen. I've fed the kids frozen shoestring fries twice in a week. the CSA veggies mock me every time I open the fridge.

• realizing the toll (it's absolute) of not getting enough sleep for over a week takes. a week later I am just about recovered.

• feeling too tired to practice Qigong, which is one thing I know will restore energy...a bind I began to loosen this morning.

• this Summer has been frakking hot. did I hear correctly the other day that it is one for the record books?

• feeling that back-to-school energy beginning to flow through the veins. an unschooling mom who loved school growing up. makes me smile. looking into swimming lessons, instrument lessons, concocting a writer's workshop with Cap...

• maintaining visual on the need to keep up with accounting.

• thinking about this quote from the book cover of On Writing: "If you don't have the time to read, you don't have the time or the tools to write." considering increased diligence in this area.

• knitting mojo perking up. looking forward to the arrival of my first cone of yarn. received an e-mail coupon this morning from Stix (they turn 5 today) and thinking of going yarn shopping. (I've had a bday gift certificate waiting in the wings.)

• getting my hair cut today and am thinking colorful tips.

• hanging with woman friends tomorrow, heading into the city to see some dinos on Sunday.

• supporting my man while he deals with a cast put onto his right hand/forearm. his thumb needs to be immobilized and the hope is that the (10 week old) torn ligament will heal. this is his writing hand and he needs to write, a lot, between now and handing in his tenure packet at the end of August. the situation is very "gulp" worthy, but he's taking it all in stride, admirably.

Peace and love my friends, have a great weekend.

The Sparrow

Wow.

What a great book.

I bought it to bring with me to Virginia. (Lolly put it on my radar...she is another Knitting/life blogger who I feel quite connected to despite never having met her and mostly lurking on her blog. We have many shared interests and similar tastes.) I started it there and finished it at home.

It's futuristic, very character-driven, and one of those novels where you know there is so much research/knowledge behind it, yet the prose flows effortlessly off the page.

I highly recommend checking it out.

On deck: On Writing by Stephen King.

Vacation pics

I'm here

The kids and I are back from our vacation, which was a blast (see photo :-)

However, my body has been in serious post-vacation blues mode. I have been resting, a lot.

Will be back, hopefully by week's end with updates and photos.

Peace and love.

It all began (again) with a list

I made a list this morning. I hadn't done that in awhile. I made a list of things to do today.

The good part of making such a list is that I truly gain distinct feelings of satisfaction during the day as I check items off, or think about checking items off. And those heady sensations of accomplishment, they vibrate deep. They feel really good.

The bad part is that I realize, clearly, that I have too much to do...that I want to focus on too many things. I didn't put "blog" on the list today. That I am choosing to blog right now, well, that means I will take something off the list. (Something I learned from one of my ADD books...which sit primly on my shelf waiting, patiently (oh, they get it), for me to finish them someday.)

It may be that it wasn't realistic to have the list I had. I am okay with having 'goals' on my list, but I also like (and think it's important) to have a list that is, essentially, doable. It's not a wish list, more a beacon to shine light on my path, to help me stay focused.

My list:

• Qigong
• a grid meal plan of breakfast, lunch and dinner for me and for the kids
• packing tape
• accounting
• computer desk
• thank you cards
• library
• Tiina and kids
• Qigong p.m.

The thank you cards are the only thing on the list left completely untouched (well, the night time Qigong, too, but that's for right before bed). The accounting is a work-in-progress (seemingly) always, as is the clutter on the computer desk. But, I did work on both those things for periods of time. So, thank you cards come off, and go onto the list for tomorrow. (I need Gem for this task anyway, and he's not home.)

I am particularly happy that we spent a few hours with Tiina and two of her kids which included going to the library together and continuing on to the park. We often manage to have great conversations and today was such a time.

Also thrilling: requests from both kids for "more Swiss chard, please"! Having a list and meal plan for the day trumps the 'best of intentions' which, honestly, have a less than 50-50 chance of my getting a well-rounded meal on the table which includes the choice of two vegetables.

When the kids and I returned home from the park, Cap was home from work. The kids vegged out to 'screen time' and Cap and I chatted about work and whatnot. I was much more relaxed during this late afternoon/early evening time than usual because I had a much better internal sense of what I had done during the day which translated to a calm I don't usually possess as I face what often feels like the onslaught of dinner and the rest of the evening.

I felt free to chill out was much more present with my partner than I usually am. One of the topics that came up was my giving haircuts to all three boys. I was able to communicate clearly that since I had forgotten to put that on my list, I needed to take something off. Which led to Cap deciding that we could put it off till tomorrow afternoon. No stress, no anxiety, no defensiveness, no heightened feelings of not being heard or understood.

This all sounds so good, I realize as I'm writing. And it is :-) But, there is something to the 'too much' thing. Yes, being a grown up, especially a grown up with kids, there is no end to the "to do" list. There is an inevitability to that. I believe that there's plenty of cultural conditioning to that, too, though.

I miss knitting. I miss reading. I want to spend more focused time with the kids on their interests and push them to expand their skill sets in order for them to accomplish all the things they want to do. I want to dig deeper and practice Qigong every day and eat even more mindfully than I already do. I want to think more about and explore more freely the ideas floating in my head around aging, beauty, the body and the mind.

But, the things that take up my time I also value: cooking (cooking and eating with the flow of the CSA has been very rewarding), decluttering/organizing, playdates/socializing, blogging, my techie stuff (e-mail, Google Reader, Facebook), cleaning, accounting, reading to the kids, etc.

So, yeah, I don't have enough time for everything. Recognizing there is a problem is the first step to solving the problem, right? Figuring out ways to increase happy chillaxing time and less personal sturm and drang around feeling like I'm not doing or being enough? That would be awesome.

locally grown sugar plums (they're bite-size!)

Is seeing believing?

I enjoyed a talk with one of my local mama friends while our kids played this afternoon. She said something interesting which totally hooked into something I've been thinking about (a complete coincidence).

She made the observation that her husband, because he is overweight, has stopped seeing himself. The implication was that he is not happy about his weight, and therefore his appearance, and so his brain has brought down the shutters. Out of sight, out of mind.

A couple of weeks ago, while Barbra and I were staying at my mom's in the city, I was stopped in my tracks, in total shock mind you, when I happened to see my mostly undressed body in a full length mirror.

My reality and my reactions, when it comes to my weight and how I look, are a tangle of ideas, thoughts, and feelings. Not clear, not linear, not consistent. Lately, there's a healthy dose of facing aging thrown in there, too.

I don't want to parse all that right now.

But, it did occur to me, as the echo of my friend's words faded away in my mind: maybe some of us don't see in the same way to start with and that is how they "let themselves go" in ways that they didn't choose.

Hot, hot, hot

I may try to eat seasonally, but I sure don't 'be' seasonally. As the mercury hit 'bout 100º today, I made home fries. Gem's been jonesing for them for awhile and well, he could no longer be denied.

This morning, the kids and I headed out to the post office where I shipped a bunch of the books I've sold. So far, I've made about $125. It took awhile at the P.O. because I was filling out address labels and figuring out which envelopes were for Priority Mail, etc. and there was, of course, only one window open. But, the kids were chillaxed for the most part and we were soon out of there.

We then strolled to the bookstore where the kids searched for 'vacation' books. Sag ordered some Pokemon books and we'll be going back to pick them up Thursday.

I finagled a short trip to the library out of the kids and dropped off Rufus M. (which we finished last night) and picked up some more books about Jamestown and colonial Williamsburg.

Once home, while the kids ate lunch, I made the base for blueberry ice cream I'll have the machine crank out tomorrow.

We headed back out to pick up our CSA share and then Cap (who as up at school having completed his first day of camp). As we drove past one of the town pools on the way home there was much excitement and longing.

Cap took the kids to a free Lego mini-build at our local Lego store (neither of us grown-ups was in the right frame of mind to head out to a pool) and I put away the veggies, cleared out the fridge some, e-mailed book customers, had some solo dinner (nice when I can catch it :-) and prepped the basil from today's share to make pesto only to realize we have no fresh garlic.

Everyone's home now. The Red Sox game is on, Sag is drawing, Gem is relaxing on the couch, Cap's tying away on his laptop... I'm off to make the kids' dinner.

The headache that played peek-a-boo with me all afternoon has abated. I'm thinking it was related to dehydration...

Weather-wise, more of the same for the rest of the week.

Äiti's intuition

Something kept me up tonight. I wasn't sure what it was, but I understood, simply and for sure, that I was to stay up despite the latening hour.

So I chose a catch up episode of Treme which would take me past 1am and began to watch. (It's a great show, worth checking out on DVD when it comes out if you don't have access to HBO.)

Then, just past 1:00, Gem came out of his room, tousled and mostly asleep. I walked him to the bathroom where he did his business, he asked me to turn on the sound machine, and he crawled back up into his bunk.

Seconds later, he was full on back to sleep.

You never know when something is going to click into place. Whether it's staying dry at night or staying up late for no apparent reason. I say, be open and relaxed...trust and be okay with not knowing everything.

Vega sings gypsy

Pulled on a thread and this is what came down to me.

Wheeling and dealing

I was not made for this.

My maternal grandmother came from a merchant family and grew up in her family's shop. I wish I could activate some of that DNA.

I'm doing the right thing. Re-selling books I bought mostly while living in Sacramento, to a small but ardent community (Waldorf-inspired homeschoolers). My family can use the coin. But, man, my shoulders are so tight right now.

Hours spent on the computer listing the books and composing e-mails that are polite, specific, not wordy, and clear. About quality, shipping, handling, sales that are pending, sales that are final.

I'll be making multiple trips to the post office this week. And trying to keep track of names, addresses, Paypal transactions, and the rest of my life packing the kids and myself up for our week away next week (among other things).

Time to take a breath. And remember the good parts of this: the books will be going to people who truly want them and will use them, and, these sales will generate a bit of income where there otherwise would have been none.

Word

"It does not require many words to speak the truth."

--Chief Joseph, Nez Perce

Bresson's brie

Brie, France. 1968

During her visit, Barb and I saw the Henri Cartier-Bresson exhibit at MoMA. I loved many of the images and learned some things. Their postcard selection was very limited. But, I did like this one. Made me stop and take a look.

"In photography, the smallest thing can be a great subject. The little human detail can become a leitmotif." —Henri Cartier-Bresson

Lucky

My sis and bro-in-law came over today so Cap and I could go out for a bit. While the kids played baseball and soccer with their aunt and uncle, we went out for lunch. Time was of the essence (the blueberry pie took a bit longer than expected) so we nixed Indian food in Jersey City and cruised down Bloomfield Avenue to see what our options were.

The Indian place was closed. Mesob was not. Ethiopian it was.

vegetarian sampler for 2.

he loves his Miser Wat.

seasonal, local, organic yum.

I am a lucky girl in many, many ways.

Fab fotos

Barbra sent me some lovely pics, taken when she and Cara and I went out for lunch at Terra. We had a lovely time catching up. ♥

Inimitable insomnia

Woke at 4am, got up, went back to bed, tossed and turned, finally got out of bed at 5:30.

Threw open windows to take in the last of the cool breeze before a bank of hot and humid air comes and sits on us for a week.

Ingredients tossed into trusty bread machine. Chicken prepped for roasting. Brain tickled by panes revealed. Soul soothed in glow of early morning screen lemon aromatherapy fingertips pressed on face.

Yesterday. Fed dear friends who are now back in Germany for the Summer. Was fed by dear friends in celebration of their oldest turning 10. Hugged by Finn-ness ran out of time to take a sauna.

Last night. Finished reading aloud a chapter that found Rufus in a desolate amusement park as heavy fog rolled in. Sag burst into tears deep-seated fear of getting lost unlocked. He expelled his emotion, (was) held (by) Cap, drew a picture of himself hitting a homerun on a self-adhesive label and stuck it to his forehead (a literal visualization), and returned to bed spent and satisfied.

Today. Blueberry pie (our 20 lb. shipment of local organic berries arrived this week). Fresh bread and roasted chicken. Sister and brother-in-law. Lunch out with Cap may have to be rethought due to insufficient funds. Breathe in the cool and fresh till the cool and fresh are no more.

Namaste.

Vibram Five Fingers

Gem wondered why they are not called Five Toes. He also noted that people will likely laugh when they see my new shoes.

I've always had a soft spot for shoes. I remember vividly my back-to-school shoes for first grade. They were an earthy saddle shoe with bands of red and tan leather. In high school I loved and wore both American Indian moccasins and cowboy boots. My first pair of Birkenstocks. The wondrous red suede shoes made in Germany I bought with my first public school teacher paycheck. My first Danskos.

The comfort of my feet and body have always been a critical part of my shoe experiences. I wore Pro-Keds all through elementary school, but once I began traipsing about Manhattan in junior high, suddenly they didn't offer enough support and I stopped wearing them. Once I started wearing Birkenstocks I only wore Birkenstocks for nearly a decade because they elevated the combination of functionality and foot comfort to a new level.

The Keens I bought in Sacramento have always been 'fine'. Recently, I had some weird pain that was clearly connected to them, albeit not debilitating. I bought my Danskos last year and went for the snazzy frosty blue 'snakeskin' which, as predicted, doesn't really 'go' with much of my wardrobe. (This was after I wore my old ones into the ground...the soles were so thin they started taking on water when it rained. I then waited about a year to find just the right pair to replace them with.)

As I rediscovered while walking the streets of the Big Apple with Barbra last week, I have foot twisting issues with clogs. And I began to think about the upcoming trip to Virginia which is going to involve some serious walking and standing around.

My friend, Lisa, swears by her Vibram Five Fingers. They've been on my radar for a few months. They seemed like good candidates for travel shoes. I visited the website and realized a store in town carried them. I went down, tried on two different styles, liked what I felt...

Voilà.

They're wacky looking. No way around that. :-) They feel completely natural and surreal. Trying to put them on, I was amazed and humbled by how unused to experiencing my toes as individual digits I had become. Apparently, wearing and walking in these shoes strengthens muscles otherwise not used.

I'll let you know how it goes :-)

Awesome of the day

Have a great long weekend, my peeps!

Along for the ride

The kids and I are going to Williamsburg, Virginia with my side of the family in a couple of weeks. (Cap can't come because he will be working one of his camps that week.)

This is exciting for many reasons. We've never vacationed en extended famille before, we'll be bunking in some fancy digs (three pools! a kitchen! whirlpools! a jacuzzi in the room! a washer and dryer!), the area is historically interesting, there is a Whole Foods and a Trader Joe's within a couple of miles of the hotel, and one of the best restaurants in town has a gluten-free menu.

My parents are gathering us together to celebrate my mom's 70th birthday. It's going to be really nice.

Last week I lugged home a bunch of library books about Jamestown and colonial Virginia. My big Bean tote was overflowing. I also borrowed a book for myself. The Birth of Black America by Tim Hashaw. I started reading it tonight and am loving learning about the context and content of the first African Americans. Did you know that they were here before the Pilgrims first laid eyes on Plymouth Rock?


Are you taking a vacation this Summer? Where are you going?

A glance

Hey nature lovers

I am thrilled to post a link to my friend Erica's online shop. She is an amazing artist and a dear friend from university days. Go check it out!

Back in the saddle

The cross drafts overnight were dazzling. Icy. It was so nice after the one-step-below-a-heat-wave that we had here for over a week.

As Barbra's visit/my vacation-from-life recedes in the rear view, I am settling back into the home rhythm. Tonight we host common meal. It will be a potluck as it is the fifth Wednesday of the month.

I was happy to have some strands come together organically as I lay in bed last night thinking about what to make. I landed on the thought: what do we have? Having picked up our farm share yesterday evening, we have quite a bit.

Zucchini, scallion, pastured eggs, fresh dill: a frittata.

Mission accomplished, I fell asleep. Shivering in summer bedclothes...gratefully letting go of my soul to be buffeted about for the night.

A funny thing happened this morning. I figured I'd find a zucchini frittata recipe somewhere in our cookbooks. I flipped through a few and then discovered a book I've wanted for a long time. A book I'd forgotten I'd acquired in the interim. The joys of having an ADDish mind: the rediscovery of things forgotten about.

And, indeed, it was in this book that I found a recipe for zucchini frittata.

I'm off to clean and cook. What are you doing?

pretty-in-pink pickled radishes.

spinach scramble with cayenne and black peppers.

iced tea in between guzzles.

dill and stock in a crooked kitchen.

pre-prep.

my newest baby.

Musing right now

In 420 characters or less (that's a Facebook reference):

health and fitness in my 40s and beyond...dancing amongst the fine lines between shuttin' it down and zenning out feeling less and less optimal.

Slideshow of B's visit

I didn't take a lot of pics, but here they are.

It's friggin' hot!

It's so hot and humid that I am air conditioning each room prior to cleaning it. I am presently waiting for the bedroom, kitchen and bathroom to cool down.

Auntie Barbra is coming for a visit. She arrives tonight from Oaktown. I am very happy :-)

Not everyone can do it, and not everyone would do it, but Barbra visits me/us, regularly, wherever we are. This time around she decided she wanted to enjoy some east coast summer warmth (she usually comes in the Fall or Spring) and boy is she going to get some. Temps are predicted to go up into the 90s this week.

We're doing an us-only overnight in Manhattan Thursday to Friday. My mom is away so we'll crash at her place. We're thinking MoMA, Central Park, The High Line, and a movie.

B and I both enjoy food, and we're planning on eating well. We're having lunch one day at Del Posto and dinner one night at Annisa, both restaurants I have wanted to try for years. (I've been saving my birthday money, holding out for something really special and dinner at Annisa will be :-)

I'd also like to hit Doughnut Plant (though truth be told my body is changing somewhat being mostly GFCF, and more recently, meat-free, and a doughnut doesn't have the same allure it did even a couple of weeks ago...) and B would love to find a yummy gelato place.

Making myself drool here.

It's so quiet here right now. Cap took the kids to the comic store so Gem could play the Pokemon trading card game with other kids (for the very first time). Sag tagged along to watch.

Back to cleaning for me. Peace and love.

Solstice

Celebrate the Light. The Sun. Be happy...know that you are part of One.

Had my eyes opened a bit last night talking to Andrea after watching True Blood together. Superego. A different lens through which to see/be seen.

Connected to multi-thinking. The cacophony in my head.

"Shut the fuck up, superego." (smile)

Old habits die hard. The Solstice feels like a good time to turn a new leaf...or rather, turn the leaf over again. I've been setting my alarm for 7am. While the rest sleep, the air is clearer and I can "do" with more ease, knocking "should" on its ass.

At the moment, the morning breeze washes over me and I feel adored. Yet it's a little lonely, being so alone. A familiar echo.

Revel in the replete. Good or bad, today is the day and the arc back to Winter begins again.

Comfort food

Double-toasted Gluten-Free Pantry French bread sandwich bread (made in the bread machine), garlic scape pesto-mayo, the season's first spinach, wilted, and pastured eggs, poached.

As I made myself food this morning, I realized that in order to practice Qigong more (which I truly want to do), I should transfer it in for cooking. Switching more definitively to Dragon's Way food would help this process.

The anxiety bubbles beneath the surface. Vinny encouraged me to come in for a booster session today, but I am car-less and feel substantial inertia. He's off next week so I will not see him for two weeks for the first time in a long time.

An opportunity to push myself, for sure.

I'll close my eyes