Word

The truth, lest it not be obvious, is that I feel like crap today.  Again.

But, I refuse to let that be the whole story.

It is part of it, though.

Word.

Words, truth, story

Loved this so much I'm subscribing to his blog again.  Loved this so much I'm subscribing to her blog again.  And thus, my Google Reader expands.  Time to trim soon.

Sensing a shift

Well, that was not the morning I had in mind.

Which is okay.

The short of it is that neither boy has strep.  Well, Gem might.  But, probably doesn't.  He would not, could not, do the swab successfully.  I give the doctor (different one from yesterday) a lot of credit for not losing her temper or mind (she gave her swabbing effort a good 15 minutes).  I give myself credit for expressing my anger to Gem while we waited for his result (very likely tainted by the swab hitting his tongue on its way out of his wildly-bouncing-around mouth).  

I am trying not to bottle that kind of stuff inside.  Expressing it while pure, allows the other person a more clear way to see/hear/feel you.  Rather than try to figure out why you seem distant/resentful/grumpy later on.  He heard me.  A short while later, he said he felt bad having people be mad at him.  I told him I wasn't mad anymore (another benefit to letting it out, it doesn't stay with you) and he was relieved.  It was over.

They are both sick.  Sag's tonsils/glands are huge, Gem's throat is sore and red.  We will just have to play the next few days by ear...including Sag's early birthday party which is scheduled for Sunday.

Which got me to thinking.  The main reason I brought them to the doctor's office today was that if they had strep, I wanted them both to start antibiotics today so they would be okay for the festivities on Sunday.  

The fear that Sunday would not be the Sunday I had in mind has, so far, cost me $30 in co-pays and three hours out of the house on a day where I had been planning to stay put and clean/organize (you know, that thing I'm always trying to get to/keep at).

Six months ago, a year ago, it likely would have cost me some erosion in my relationship with the kids because I would have been shooting rays of misdirected resentment to them, the doctor, the staff at the center, etc.  I am so much calmer...so much more even-keeled.  It's amazing.

I know enough now that when I begin conjuring how I want things to be, or worse, expecting things to go certain ways, I am living from a place of depletion.  I intuit the negative space/time/energy and unconsciously try to fill it with "positive".  It's a form of storytelling.

The problem is, that if you start to rely on these stories to be true, when they evaporate into thin air as reality happens and then happens some more, it can bring on a slew of challenging emotions.  And you have to dig yourself out from under them to get back to square one.

So, I am setting an intention.  Between Thanksgiving Day and the Winter Solstice, I am going to go offline.  I have done this before.  It's a way to retreat and refuel...and to open up some time for myself to better tune into my firsthand world.  I may begin before Thanksgiving, I will let you know before I disappear from here.

While the kids and I were walking from the car to Terra (Sag was receiving a treat for doing a great job with his swab...and Rita's wasn't open yet), Gem said, "I feel much better being outside."

Of course he did.

I know this, I know this so deep in my bones, yet I have been nearly criminally remiss in taking the kids outside, just to be outside, in the last couple of months.  Part of it has been this danged elephant in every room of our apartment.  The effin' clutter that just won't go.  Part of it has been the cooking and food and the going Paleo/Primal.  Part of it has been adjusting to a new (homeschooling) season with new routines.  Part of it is that they are computer/video/reading geeks, happy to spend recreational time indoors.

So, as we fast approach the shortest day of the year, I am heading out.  With the kids.  For the fresh air, the healing light, the therapeutic ambiance...out into our biosphere.

This will take time.  I need to give a little to get a little.

Catching moments here and there, like our unplanned reverie at Terra today, are good.  Nourishing in many ways.  But, as Vinny so often reminds me, I need to push myself a little.  So, I am letting go of my screen time to make way for practicing Qigong (myself and with the kids) and for time outside.

And decluttering.

And eating Paleo/Primal.

And homeschooling.

And celebrating Sag's birthday/Thanksgiving/our anniversary/Solstice/Christmas...the late November to end of December season.

The key is to not lose my Self in all this.  To become one with it, to breathe with it, to live it.

Apple camp and a pulled tooth

Sag started a three day Apple camp today and loved it.

He and Owen were definitely on the more "expert" end of the scale and kept themselves entertained playing games as they quickly finished the tasks set forth for them (they were quite content throughout the experience).  I enjoyed the minimalist look of the place which is hard to do when the store is open because it's usually so crowded.  I also enjoyed, ahem, marveling over how light and wonderful the Mac Book Airs were.

Later on in the day the boys enlisted the help of their brothers to shoot video footage for their movies, which was their homework.  (Gem enjoyed a quiet morning with Lukas playing catch and watching episodes of The Regular Show.  He has really missed spending time with Lukas.)

Tomorrow morning we'll do it again.  After lunch I'll be taking them to see Cars 2 to escape the super heat (how fast did Pirates of the Caribbean disappear from theaters...wow).

Here's a pic of the tooth.  I processed the original photo to enhance it and then tone the color down.  It was bloody and not pretty, I was quite shaken by the experience, as was Gem, but I wanted to document it because we were told we couldn't bring it home.

So, the bullets: 

• the clinic is solid and I recommend it for anyone who has kids who have a hard time going to the dentist.  (we waited a whole ten minutes or so as walk-ins, our dentist was very friendly and warm, Gem felt instantly comfortable with her, which meant a lot...and in the end, they were unfazed, professional, cooperative and efficient.)

• we only encountered one person who was unkind...she was in his face and then mine and old school...she made an impression, but realized quickly her method wasn't working and disappeared.

• we had two surprises (need for an x-ray and the use of novacaine rather than gas).  I decided to agree to both because they were going to help us get to where we needed to be (determining if the tooth did, indeed, need to be pulled that day; getting the tooth pulled using a less invasive form of anesthetic).

• both surprises worked very much against Gem's well being which was already low due to anxiety about the process/experience of getting his tooth extracted and dental work in general.

• getting a picture of the tooth in question required four different "personnel" facing Gem with their various bags of tricks (it was strange that no one introduced themselves/identified their roles).  the fourth guy figured out that Gem didn't need to stick the x-ray film so far back in his mouth (which makes him gag and he can't hold it in there long enough for the x-ray to hit it).  success!  but Gem had already shed some tears and was not happy.  the picture made t clear he needed the tooth extracted.  I was given the choice to return with him in a couple of days since he was clearly upset by the x-ray experience, but my gut told me to stay.  I knew he could get through this and it felt important to stick it out with/for him, to see it through to completion despite the obstacles that were being thrown up along the way.

• there was crying, screaming, panic, and a fighting will and spirit within him (radiating out powerfully) I rarely get to see.  after the first shot of novacaine (which he never saw coming) it took three adults (me and two assistants) to hold him down for the second shot and then the extraction.  it probably was over within five minutes, but it felt much longer.  in the end, one of the assistants yelling (part adrenalin, part making sure he could hear her over his shrieking and bucking) in his face that if he didn't stop moving on the count of three she was going to send me out of the room (which *never* would have happened, but I kept my mouth shut intuitively knowing we were very close to the end), did the trick.  on "two" he stopped moving long enough for the dentist to make the final pull and out the tooth came.

• as I held him down, my face was close to his and I talked to him the whole time.  afterward, we were given time and space to hold each other in the chair as he calmed down.  someone who had not been involved in the procedure came in and spoke to him incredibly gently and sympathetically.  much afterward, over lunch at his favorite sushi place, I asked him if I had broken his sense of trust in me.  "what do you mean?" he asked.  I elaborated and then he said, definitively, without hesitation, "no".

• phew.

• he has recovered quickly and well.  despite indications that the novacaine did not work and he felt excruciating pain when the tooth came out.  this report, from a boy whose threshold for pain is so high...broke my heart.  the after-pain eased up significantly during our car ride home.  he was cheered up by a new Warriors book, lunch out, and a new video game on order from Amazon.  Vinny was able to squeeze him in and when he walked out of there, Gem's cheeks were rosy once again.  he slept well and he has been completely himself today.

• he hopes to never have another tooth extracted ever again.

• it truly sucks that the novacaine didn't work after the trauma of having it injected (I am so not a denta-phobe, and it is hard for me to tolerate getting novacaine injections...I mean, really, why hasn't someone improved on using a big ass needle to give a minimum of *two* shots into the gums yet?!)

• I am still emotionally exhausted, my shoulders and upper back are very tight.  I can't talk about the experience without getting a bit hyper and shaky.  I don't feel guilt or regret, but I have lost something, temporarily.  that feeling, the sense that I have what it takes to keep my child feeling safe and secure.  because even though he is safer now that the infected tooth is out, and even though he was "safe" throughout the ordeal, he did not feel safe.  and I was right there letting that happen.

Daily show

Ahead of the wave in their own way, as usual...

The Daily Show - The Correspondents Explain: The American Presidency - Ex-President
Tags: Daily Show Full Episodes,Political Humor & Satire Blog,The Daily Show on Facebook

Filling

Repleting after depleting.  Tonight a veggie burger on half an Udi's bagel with mayo and arugula pesto with a side of carrot fries.

My mind is wandering from eating Dragon's Way.  This time of year it's hard for me to be all veg all the time.  My need for non-veg carbs and starches is steadfast.  (I am pleasantly surprised that my need for protein has been sated with egg whites and tofu.)

I am also distracted by the CSA veggies which are not being used.

And by the nuisance of a) being a short order cook at breakfast and lunch to meet the variety of desires/needs; b) cooking two separate dinners on the nights I cook/cooking my own dinner on the nights Cap cooks; and c) making food either for Dragon's Way or to use up CSA stuff that no one else likes/will eat.

The kids love what I make for them and are very enthusiastic in their gratitude.  So, I don't mind making food for them that they like (it just takes time and attention and sometimes I stress to try to streamline the process).  

But, I am feeling a sense of...something missing.  I rarely get to experience the deep joy of making food that I find interesting and nourishing and sharing that with others in my household...and having others share their joy in partaking, with me.  (I do have this pleasure once a month when we host common meal.)

(I want this so much that sometimes I blind myself to the reality that I simply don't have this in my life right now and try to force it...I internalize the belief that if I just try harder, I can make this transpire.)

I bought a book called Clean Food awhile back that I haven't cracked open to use yet.  I'm thinking about checking it out for recipes.  It would be nice to take a break from culling new recipes (adaptable to Dragon's Way or being GFCF) from the many food blogs I read.  Having not only one source, but a source which is hard cover copy.  Books are good.

Off and running

I enjoyed watching this moving documentary about a teenager who contacts her birth mother, the subsequent fallout on her and her family, and eventual outcome of her coming to terms with her situation.  There are some really lovely strands about family which are brought to life through Avery's story.

The documentary was followed by a few StoryCorps shorts.  This one, in particular, caught my attention.

Holy (insert expletive here)!

I'm reading Married to Distraction and it is hard to put down.  Luckily I have the day to myself so I don't have to.

It is sobering and a relief to see myself and familiar scenarios in these pages.

Hope your Saturday is full of light and air.

Ouch

Seth Godin's concise piece on "Sabotage". His knife is sharp, the cut is clean and fast...

Word

"It does not require many words to speak the truth."

--Chief Joseph, Nez Perce

The pudding

...as in the proof (is in the pudding)...

Choosing motherhood, choosing learning at home, choosing joy, choosing the moment.

Just another day

Keep breathing, keep moving.  The snow falling at the moment is inspiring.  Beautiful.

Plowed through lots of numbers yesterday...worked till about 1 am.  In the end it was scary.  Despite more awareness I managed to overspend (meaning spending over what was coming in) by $11K over the course of 12 months.

Today I will formulate a budget based on the categories and the type of spending that is our/my pattern/habit.  I am concerned to realize that our savings has been decimated...and that what's in the savings account now is quite "soft" since it is likely all going to the tax man.  I just hope we have enough for the tax man when the time comes.  Gulp.

I am not fearful.  There is a cleansing aspect to knowing the truth and facing it.  To changing your reality without judgment, but with purpose.

As you can see behind me (in the photo), there is some rearranging happening.  I had some visions for a new bedroom and Cap did the lifting, heavy and heavier.  It feels good in there and the potential for light and air and space in a different way makes me feel lighter.

There is work to be done.  Clearing out some old and making way for some new.