Grasshopper

Will this grasshopper ever learn? Last night I was starting to feel distinctly better virus-wise. But I felt heavy, bloated, and inflamed.

Over the weekend I'd had bouts of chemically-fueled anxiety...for want of a better way to put it. I'd be sitting there (usually quite literally, in my red chair) and, as if a switch was turned on, a circus would start to rehearse in the cavity of my chest. The swoops and somersaults of trapeze artists, the vibratory thumps and trumpets of elephants, the buzz and din of an excited throng...

I paused and experienced and it would inevitably pass in a few minutes.

I yelled at one of the kids over the weekend and generally had way less patience with them.

My decade-old eczema patch on my scalp flared up big time and was itchy, red and tender-to-the-touch...this weekend.

Yesterday, despite a lovely visit from an old friend of ours the day before which precipitated the putting on of clothes and  socializing and realizing that, indeed, the virus was on its way out, all I wanted to do (and did) was stay in my pajamas and curl into being as alone as I could.

Oh, and last night I had trouble falling asleep for the first time in weeks.

So, in retrospect, there would seem to have been some sort of significance to this weekend.

Last night the old voice(s) came out of the woodwork. Happily, I do not react and struggle anywhere near the levels I used to. But, the message inevitably gets transmitted: this is your fault, do something about it.

This is when I go into "shut it down" mode and begin to concoct "the plan". About going to the gym, about drasticating my diet, about practicing Qigong, etc.  About becoming blameless. About being the paragon I believe I never am.

There is nothing wrong with the impulse to want to transform, to improve self-care...but for me, there is something intrinsically Sisyphusian about having the impulse rear up during a moment of needing a "fix".  (Those pesky backslides.)

I interface better and more productively with ideas of self-care when I am not in the throes of what feels like a crisis in my heart, my brain, my central nervous system.

When I can get to the root of the old emotional stuff that comes up, oh, ONCE A MONTH (perimenopause is fickle and I am suddenly regular again), when I can feel out the edges and sharpen my tool, I can, and will, excise it and let it dissolve into the ether...or primordial ooze.

The old voices are important to recognize so they can be put in their place, at least, until they are dismissed forever.

PMS, get thee back into your corner.

Ad infinitum. I wonder if this process will continue up to the day I die. Or if some day I will achieve the next level of grasshopperdom and step off this particular hamster wheel (to mix my critter metaphors).

I made something yummy yesterday. Baked oatmeal, for the first time. My crazy brain was telling me late last night, as it was keeping me from sleep, that I should not eat this today because of inflammation and going Paleo in between all the celebrations coming up and the weight I'm gaining with all the hibernation eating I've been doing...

Well, I got my period this morning and I am feeling so much better, inside and out. The show's over, there's nothing left to see. 

(Except a shot of yummy.)

Peace.

Thrumming along on a thursday

My period came "early"...my body has gone perimenopausal rogue...you go, girl.

Good news, it has not decimated me energy-wise and yesterday I drove Sag to gymnastics and then the kids and I went to common meal (which was good but truly a shadow of its former incarnation).

Interesting news, as soon as I got my period, my body felt a huge sense of relief.  I didn't realize how pent up I was, it felt SO good, but also a little loony.

Not bad news, but on the flip side of yesterday's ability to follow the day's agenda, today I am vacillating between craving rest and feeling restless.  Later, I will take Gem to his first programming class (and get myself a spot of tea while waiting for him) and tonight, we head into the city to see Neko Case.

On a separate note, this piece and this piece are resonating recently.

I am feeling too tired to cook...but have some veg that need attention.  Maybe it will happen if I can get my mind-full with the thought...

Peace and love.

Whole30 :: Day 8

I feel pretty terrible physically (aches and aches and fatigue) and it is affecting my mental/mood state.

Back tomorrow with pretty pics and improved self...I hope.

Peace and love.

Whole30 :: Day 7

Okay, honestly, who saw this coming?

I got my period this morning.

Clearly, my menses will always, always get the better of me, when it comes to the PMS blinders.  It's the nature of the she-beast, though, no?  Like this cycle, I have never been able to get past thinking/feeling "well, maybe it's PMS".  I have never been able to know that's what it is and settle down rather than shriek or feel desolate.

This time, my mind played a trick on me and I lost a week.  So, even though last Friday was the 28th day since my last period (and I was very regular for years), I very much thought my period wasn't due till this weekend.  Hence, not being sure of the PMS because the timing was a bit off.

Even though I knew it might be PMS, and even though I informed Cap of this, when I am in the throes, nothing is enough.  The nature of my she-beast.

I woke up this morning and my stomach/gut ached for the first time in a couple of days (a "symptom" the switch to Paleo had already begun to smooth out) and when I stepped out of bed, my feet were stiff and ache-y (another "symptom" that has come and gone over the past few years that had recently been gone).  I wondered what the heck was going on...till I went to the bathroom.

My mind feels pretty clear (yay!), but the de rigueur wiped out mantle is heavy on my shoulders.  It's okay, though, because rather than feeling/being mired in overwhelmed as I have been the past couple of days, I know in my bones that this is a brief way station on my path to well-being.

I made some mayo this morning while the kids ate breakfast (Gem held the bowl for me while I whisked, whisked, whisked).

And, though all I wanted was a cookie or two with my iced coffee, I forced myself to eat some protein, instead. On my way to the trashcan to chuck the last of the spurned home fries, I was overtaken by the desire not to waste food and tossed them, instead, into my favorite bowl with some mayo and pesto and hard-boiled eggs.  (Notice how different the color of the yolk is?  Anthony's hens have been suffering from the heat, too!  The eggs are smaller and the yolks nowhere near their usual orange when cooked.)

Peace and love.

Fat and happy

My cousin, Koko, took a picture of me at the family wedding we attended in Rhode Island a couple of weekends ago.  I think it perfectly captured my most prevalent recent state: fat and happy.

I've woken from the chaos of Spring and found myself, well, pretty fat and pretty happy.  And sleep deprived.  I am tackling the sleep first.  I know in my bones that until I am consistently getting more sleep, not much else can happen.

How am I doing this?

• watching my caffeine intake/timing.

• going to bed as early as I can (midnight these days...shooting for 10:30/11:00).

• taking my Chinese herbs/practicing Qigong (herbs I am good at, Qigong is still not happening much).

• putting my sleep needs ahead of the kids' and Cap's without totally abandoning them.

For me, being fat/overweight is both a natural and unnatural state.  I identify very much with Oprah in terms of being someone for whom the pendulum between "optimal" weight and "natural" weight swings back and forth frequently...and seemingly without cease.

"Number" weight isn't all encompassing, but I find it a useful way to talk about weight because it is a language easily accessed by most.  I am very physically "dense".  I have no idea whether it's the proverbial "big boned" thing or what, but even at my "thinnest", I've been heavier than anyone would expect.  (For example, fitting into size 4 jeans and weighing 130-something pounds.)

After this Spring I have swung to the heavier side of the spectrum.  172 for anyone keeping track.  (Which, of course, is no one.  That was me being semi-defensive against a random voice in my head.)  Funny story, my eyes are really starting to go (on my third or fourth bi-focal scrip and most people only require two), and for a few days I thought the scale was saying 167.  I'd marveled to Cap that despite a Spring of going off Paleo I'd only gained two pounds.

I have some issues with "looking" fat.  But, as I age, I am finding my focus has shifted less from concern over how I look and more towards how I feel.  There is no denying it.  When I go off the Paleo rails, eventually, I start to feel physically old.  Aches and pains galore flare up and it takes some will not to pop an Advil or two.  I have long (long) flirted along the outskirts of various chronic-type modern maladies: fatigue, anxiety, depression...all of these settle down on me quite firmly when I am not eating Paleo.

Actually, depression has not come back easily.  I have been happier in the last year.  I will insert here that the label/diagnosis "depression" has never sat well with me when it came to me.  I know I have "presented" that way a number of times in my adult life, but there was always a small whisper inside that said, "really?"  I never quite believed it.  (I think my mood/energy are affected by various factors including: hormones, chemicals, food, digestion, movement, time outdoors, the weather, the emotional weather around me, sensory input/overload...in a nutshell, my tends-toward-higher sensitivity.)

Anyhoo, this is all to say that I am starting a Whole 30 tomorrow.  I've pulled out my Whole 30 book and some cookbooks.  Our weekly CSA share arrives this evening, tomorrow I will hit the kitchen full force.  I will finish the Whole 30 right before our trip to California...during which time I intend to eat whatever I want...but have fancied ordering my super burrito on a plate sans tortilla...we'll see.

I've also pulled out Master Lu's hormone-free menopause book.  And I have been visualizing a return to the elliptical machine at the Y...waiting for that one to manifest as my sleep makes a firmer, truer shift.  I practiced Qigong a tiny bit this morning.  A re/start.  (Our CSA farmer's report, which was in my inbox this morning, stated that there is no high heat in the longterm forecast after this week till mid-August, which will help get me outdoors for walks around the block...though he also said this current heatwave was not predicted...)

In the meantime, the things I read add nourishment to my moments here on Earth:

• some words from Pema.

• on refrigerator blindness and how to cure it.

• mung bean dosa recipe.  (Gem and Cap loves dosas.)

• and the following, which Ane Axford posted on Facebook.  it's something I've considered for myself but have not been able to successfully integrate.  which has resulted, over and over again, in "avoidance or unhealthy withdrawal".  during this "rebuilding" Summer, I am tossing this idea, a "space of my own", into the mix.

I haven't met an HSP yet who doesn't need a space of their own to be alone in a predictable way. It's important to have your own sacred space with protective boundaries to allow you alone time and solitude when and how you need it. It is important to inform anyone who needs to be informed about what these protective boundaries are so that they can intentionally be observed. This is much different that avoidance or unhealthy withdrawal. This is time with yourself away from stimulation. When your nervous system is always taking in and processing, you need quiet protected space to be with you and you alone. 

We are each different with the time we need and the type of space we need to be alone. Some like the forest or a long walk, others like an altar in a special room in your home. Some like an hour a day and others like a day a week, and some can only get 20 minutes (parents!). Given your lifestyle and your circumstances, imagine what time with yourself would feel good right now where you are. You don't need to get anything new, just arrange what you have in a new way. And, maybe it does feel important to you to get something new. Listen and trust in what your sensitive body tells you when you ask it what all-one time looks like for you. If it feels like a big relaxing sigh and you can breathe easier when you think of it, you have it!

~ Ane Axford

Peace and love.

Am I every woman?

Tired of singing the same old song...but I'm going to cut myself some slack because Aunt Flo is really crowding my space.

I'll spare you the details but here are the highlights:

Wacky hormonal appetite.

Very foggy mind.

Emotional bitterness.

Dearth of energy.

Upper back and neck tightness.

Liver meridian points struggling.

Taking deep breaths when I remember to.  Lana posted this link on FB this morning and it was an oasis.  A really lovely piece.

Send the kids hugs.  I'm taking no guff from them today.

Peace.

Morning musing

I don't feel as terribly tired as I usually do on the second day of my period.  Is it a coincidence?  Or is it due to the chaos of early Spring shaking loose "stuff" (that had been stagnant) followed by starting Dragon's Way (and that kickass group practice Monday night)?

I feel lighter, and in fact, stepped on the scale this morning and saw I'd lost three pounds.  (I sometimes feel like I literally embody my Sun sign, the water bearer...)  It's a one-two punch: rotating in the water-releasing veggies of the Dragon Way and the hormonal shift that comes with starting my period which tends to release water retention.

My period arrived without the usual negative fanfare, too.  And a bit early.  Double yay because no PMS is awesome and I was dreading traveling to and from MA in the depth of my bleeding time.

Okay, enough about my menses.

Here are some pics which have accumulated in the camera:

It occurs to me now that maybe I was a bit PMS-y over the weekend.  My mind latched onto having sushi Sunday afternoon and would not shake the notion.  Cap brought me some in between sessions of his conference up at the University.  It was delicious, but too much.  I felt like I was going to explode afterward.  Ninety minutes later I was sitting in an Indian restaurant celebrating Kelly's birthday.  (I had a lamb samosa and mango lassi for dinner.)

I went on a shopping expedition with Leo and Danielle last week.   My quest for Mod Podge (for my lunchbox project) brought me to my favorite local art shop.  Ever since spotting the light boxes there during my pre-Xmas annual visit, I have been researching and considering.  Sag has been wanting one on and off for awhile having used them in his animation classes and learning how Minecrafters use them in their animations (via YouTube).  Here's our new lightpad.  It's nifty.

Dragon's Way food: zucchini, spinach, cherry toms, pine nuts, garlic and ginger.  Yum.

My as-of-yet unopened Mod Podge.  And the tablet stand I found on sale at Radio Shack.  The stand will come useful in the kitchen to pull up recipes.  It is time to make the shift...towards putting my scraps of paper and overstuffed binder of recipes to rest.

Peace and love.

Wintery

I don't know.

I don't know if it's because my mood is in disequilibrium like my body is.

Or if it is simply true.

But, lately, I've been feeling boring on the blog.

It's one thing to blithely post the minutiae of one's life feeling comfortable riding a wave of creative buzz...and being boring to others.

But, the moments of faltering, when the buzz fades away and you find yourself googling fair trade underwear in the quiet space just before midnight (rather than tumbling into bed like your body is prodding you to do) and think about blogging about it...awkward.

Things (tend to) look a bit better in the morning.

But, then you realize you are going to post pictures of what you ate...again.

Whatevs.  Like I said yesterday, I will keep doing and moving and not think about it all too much.

Breakfast: leftover cauliflower fried "rice" scrambled with a beautiful pastured egg and a side of fresh guac (avocado mashed with garlic powder, kosher salt, European pepper, hand torn cilantro and a squeeze of lime juice).  That empty space on the plate is calling out for some sort of lovely garnish...something pickled would have been perfect...

I dug out Mr. Coffee.  Whilst cleaning out the fridge yesterday I came across some Irving Farm, hazelnut coffee.  Since it was ground for drip and since the truth is that my lazy ass is more suited toward making a pot of coffee rather than futzing with the French press, I unlazily climbed the step ladder to bring Mr. Coffee down, scrubbed a weirdly greasy coat of dust off of him, searched for the filters I knew were somewhere and made myself a pot of hazelnut.  It had been so long that I forgot to put in a little extra water.  (As it was, I was lucky there were measurement instructions on the side of the bag and that I could muster the brain cells to multiply and divide as needed.)

My morning cuppa had a bit of a bite to it, but it is sweet, sweet hazelnut, yo (elixir to chick nation).

The underwear.  Back when we were in Sacramento, I ordered a batch of black organic cotton undies from Maggie's Organics.  They were discounted because they were slightly irregular.  I have loved and worn these undies to their very last fibers.  Now, seven or so years later, I have learned that Maggie's no longer carries them.  My cheap labor safe organic high quality comfortable ones are no more.  And I am in pretty serious need of new unders.  I am vacillating between getting cheap labor questionable quality/comfort questionable ones vs. expensive labor questionable quality/comfort much less questionable ones vs. expensive labor safe/organic quality/comfort questionable ones.

Boring but true.  (If I was geekier, I'd slap up a chart to make the above clearer.)

Here are two pics I took while waiting for Daniel on the porch yesterday.  Our doorbell can be wonky and I wanted to make sure he was welcomed properly after such a feat as his.  (He scootered to our house from his...love him.)

When I sat done to write this morning, I thought I'd take a self-portrait of this boring mind.  The universe had a funny plan.  I discovered the new effects in the updated version of Photobooth in Lula.

Not boring!

It has occurred to me that "winterness" is settling in.  I have had many bouts of/dances with SAD in my adult life (a breather happened during our two years in sunny/warm Sacramento).  Though I am in so much of a better place these days than winters past, I think my body may be nudging me to pay some attention.  Mornings and waking up, in particular, have been very challenging.  Regardless of how much sleep I've gotten, and the generally good quality of that sleep, it has been hard and slow going getting up and awake.

Happy Winter...may it not be so draggy for you.

Summer afternoon

As I just typed the words "summer afternoon" Mary Ann popped into my head.  From Gilligan's Island.  Something about a gingham print blouse tied together above the belly button and crisp white shorts make me think "summer".  I preferred Mary Ann to Ginger.  And Betty to Veronica.  And Betty to Wilma, come to think of it...though that's a different sort of dichotomy altogether.

The skies darkened and have opened up.  It's already beginning to lighten though the rain continues.  The kids and I are inside with the air conditioning going (it's been on since 9am and has been a life saver for me), we've been playing Wii baseball and now are taking a cherry eating break.  Finn was very wary of the remote controllers having never seen us with them before (nothing gets by that one).  But he was snoozing on my foot soon enough.

I am happy this afternoon, staying cool and dry with the kids and pooch, enjoying sweetness on a variety of levels.  And I am grateful.  But, there is an idea/ideal that is part of my make-up.  The energetic good girl in non-schlumpy clothes.  Never breaking a sweat on a tropical island while taking care of business.  And there is a wistfulness in me...felt consciously only from time to time...that I could be someone different. that I should be someone different.

The best "plan"

...is to not have a plan at all.

This post resonated with me when I read it last week or the week before.  This morning, I remembered it fondly as I realized the plans I had mentalized for today were not going to happen. 

The process wasn't stressful (as it sometimes is...in which case the post is a must-read).  I don't feel well.  Woke up moving extremely slowly.  My run-of-the-mill low energy tends to burn off within an hour of waking up.  But, what I am contending with today is something else.

Okay, those of you don't want to hear about sex/my sex life, stop reading now.

Last night, I had sex.  And today I am feeling like I sometimes do after a massage.  (It's all good body work in the end if done right...amirite?)  Stagnated and stuck points of energy were busted open and the toxins are now moving around.

Time to drink lots of fluids and flush those suckers out.

I'll be here with my feet up in this juicy organic strawberry-scented room reading Stephen King and drinking my English breakfast tea with honey and coconut creamer.

Salad turnips will be pickled, chicken will be stocked, kitchen floor will be washed...some. other. time.

Drinking it in

A shift.  Again.  As there always will be.

In the last 48 hours or so my body has been asking for a lot more water than usual.  My period has started and today, the second day, is when the heaviest part of the flow occurs.  I haven't noticed an uptick in the need for water before, but it sure makes sense...and feels very right.

When I went to bed last night I was bone tired.  When I woke this morning I was weak with a touch of dizzy here and there.  

(A month ago, on the second day of my last period, I was in Barcelona.  I stayed "home" while Barbra went to Girona with Eva.  I rested my body and relaxed my mind.  I listened to music and played Free Cell on my iPhone.  I remember.)

I've made arrangements, I've rearranged.  It will be a mostly restful day.

Thanks to Kelly, I've thought about how asking for help in our society is so often viewed as a sign of weakness...and how I disagree with that notion, deeply.  (She is picking up our CSA share for us, too...thank you sweet friend.)

I'm drinking it in today.  Water, love, care, peace and energy.  I hope you do, too.

Monthly anthem