Sensing a shift

Well, that was not the morning I had in mind.

Which is okay.

The short of it is that neither boy has strep.  Well, Gem might.  But, probably doesn't.  He would not, could not, do the swab successfully.  I give the doctor (different one from yesterday) a lot of credit for not losing her temper or mind (she gave her swabbing effort a good 15 minutes).  I give myself credit for expressing my anger to Gem while we waited for his result (very likely tainted by the swab hitting his tongue on its way out of his wildly-bouncing-around mouth).  

I am trying not to bottle that kind of stuff inside.  Expressing it while pure, allows the other person a more clear way to see/hear/feel you.  Rather than try to figure out why you seem distant/resentful/grumpy later on.  He heard me.  A short while later, he said he felt bad having people be mad at him.  I told him I wasn't mad anymore (another benefit to letting it out, it doesn't stay with you) and he was relieved.  It was over.

They are both sick.  Sag's tonsils/glands are huge, Gem's throat is sore and red.  We will just have to play the next few days by ear...including Sag's early birthday party which is scheduled for Sunday.

Which got me to thinking.  The main reason I brought them to the doctor's office today was that if they had strep, I wanted them both to start antibiotics today so they would be okay for the festivities on Sunday.  

The fear that Sunday would not be the Sunday I had in mind has, so far, cost me $30 in co-pays and three hours out of the house on a day where I had been planning to stay put and clean/organize (you know, that thing I'm always trying to get to/keep at).

Six months ago, a year ago, it likely would have cost me some erosion in my relationship with the kids because I would have been shooting rays of misdirected resentment to them, the doctor, the staff at the center, etc.  I am so much calmer...so much more even-keeled.  It's amazing.

I know enough now that when I begin conjuring how I want things to be, or worse, expecting things to go certain ways, I am living from a place of depletion.  I intuit the negative space/time/energy and unconsciously try to fill it with "positive".  It's a form of storytelling.

The problem is, that if you start to rely on these stories to be true, when they evaporate into thin air as reality happens and then happens some more, it can bring on a slew of challenging emotions.  And you have to dig yourself out from under them to get back to square one.

So, I am setting an intention.  Between Thanksgiving Day and the Winter Solstice, I am going to go offline.  I have done this before.  It's a way to retreat and refuel...and to open up some time for myself to better tune into my firsthand world.  I may begin before Thanksgiving, I will let you know before I disappear from here.

While the kids and I were walking from the car to Terra (Sag was receiving a treat for doing a great job with his swab...and Rita's wasn't open yet), Gem said, "I feel much better being outside."

Of course he did.

I know this, I know this so deep in my bones, yet I have been nearly criminally remiss in taking the kids outside, just to be outside, in the last couple of months.  Part of it has been this danged elephant in every room of our apartment.  The effin' clutter that just won't go.  Part of it has been the cooking and food and the going Paleo/Primal.  Part of it has been adjusting to a new (homeschooling) season with new routines.  Part of it is that they are computer/video/reading geeks, happy to spend recreational time indoors.

So, as we fast approach the shortest day of the year, I am heading out.  With the kids.  For the fresh air, the healing light, the therapeutic ambiance...out into our biosphere.

This will take time.  I need to give a little to get a little.

Catching moments here and there, like our unplanned reverie at Terra today, are good.  Nourishing in many ways.  But, as Vinny so often reminds me, I need to push myself a little.  So, I am letting go of my screen time to make way for practicing Qigong (myself and with the kids) and for time outside.

And decluttering.

And eating Paleo/Primal.

And homeschooling.

And celebrating Sag's birthday/Thanksgiving/our anniversary/Solstice/Christmas...the late November to end of December season.

The key is to not lose my Self in all this.  To become one with it, to breathe with it, to live it.

Grounding

There is something special about riding a train.  The kids and I love this one.  It's a small train you board in the zoo, but the track wends its way along the edge of a reservoir, in woods.  

The soft green forest floor, the sunbeams coursing down through the leaves, the water serene through the passing trunks, the rhythmic clatter of the train on the track, the breeze picking up the promising hint of brisk my soul has been craving, the soft back of my firstborn's thoughtful head...all of it grounding grounding grounding.

I would need it.

On the drive home from the zoo Sag told me that most of his friends don't know "how sensitive and really scared I am all the time".

1) I am so thankful my kids are such self-aware and articulate beings.

2) I truly don't think he is sensitive and scared "all the time".  He is a child who feels what he does, when he does, very strongly.  (Sound familiar?)

3) I hope to respond to this communiqué as best as I can over the next while.  I have a feeling that things won't smooth out till he turns 9 just before Thanksgiving.  In many child development and educational philosophies, 9 is a pivotal age.  My baby won't be my baby anymore in some respects once this is over.  The growth is amazing and not without its aches.

Ear-y

I was chillaxin' watching some tv tonight. After awhile I instinctively began massaging my arms. They've been tight for the past few months. Probably related to my use of the computer mouse, but that doesn't explain all of it...at least the timing doesn't quite fit.

Naturally, as I worked my way up and down my arms, my fingers migrated to my shoulders and neck, and then to my fingers. Working on my fingers felt amazing. I could feel blockages clearing out as some of my fingertips hummed and buzzed, felt numb and then clear. Wow.

Them somehow, my fingers knew to head up to my ears. Oh. My. God. I know the ears are a very good and critical body part to massage. But, I often forget. There were many spots on my ears that were "tight". It was incredibly painful, and relieving, to work along the outer curve of each ear. Slowly, lingering on the painful spots, helping stagnant energy move.

Ouch. It really hurt.

Someone once told me that this outer curve of the ear can be reimagined as the spine. Using this information, I realized that, especially on the left side, the section which felt like it might correspond to my 'female plumbing' was fiercely, rock hard. Mad about not being pregnant and holding a grudge big time?

Once I was done, I felt so much better. Calmer, happier, more alert, warm. My gut is gurgling away as energy releases and courses through.

Thanks, fingers...and intuition, I really needed that.