Tuesday, September 14, 2010

On my walk

this spot of red cheered me.

Another short walk this morning.  Cap has an early morning and the kids are not comfortable left alone.  I woke early enough to drive to the park for a longer walk, but it was darkish.  And then I ended up writing a long e-mail to W who is in Germany for a few weeks and whose phone presence I have been missing.

I discovered that even a 15 minute walk can add dimension to my consciousness.

I have been missing my time and treatments with V.  I've been aware that practicing Qigong is a way to treat myself during this time though I am not practicing much.  (Honestly, what would it take?)

I realized on my walk that I am missing the 'male' feedback I get from V.  Because most of my close confidantes are female, my weekly talks with V were special.  I don't have any deep understanding of the mechanics of male/female energy (in terms of yin/yang), but I know that balance is always good, and my relationship with him provides me with balance.

The other thing I noticed was that I could not get my breath, the feeling of it, past my clavicle.  I kept trying to breathe deeply as I walked and my chest was so tight with energetic congestion that the sensation of breath would not get through.

Awareness is good.  Maybe I'll go practice now?

Monday, September 13, 2010

Loose ends

Finished Stephen King's On Writing tonight.  Just in time to return it to the library tomorrow.  I enjoyed it a lot, despite having taken a seriously long break in between the first 3/4 and last 1/4 of the book.

I enjoy his writing, have since I was a teenager.

I also just watched the season finale of True Blood.  It ended well.  Many questions (while wrapping up old ones), but nothing too cliff hanger-y intense.

I am worn out emotionally, trying to tend to my body to shore up balance.  Off to make a cup of tea...and likely Mad Men or The Closer...though I should also consider sleep.

Off balance

...literally. 

Especially as my head changes position from vertical to horizontal or back.  Inner ear?  Delicate channels flooded by excess fluid?  Manifestation of energetic/physical imbalance?  Sensitivity to atmospheric pressure bearing down?

Who knows.

I'm somewhat used to it by now.  It happens every six months or so...maybe once a year.

This morning, I staggered out of bed wanting to record fast fleeting images from my dreams and if it hadn't been for a fortuitously placed wall I would have gone down.

Powerful swings of pressure and force out of my control.

I may be quiet here for a bit.  Today is the start of my Fall schedule with the kids.  The days will be infused with more structure. 

Also, I'm really bummed about some things.  Feeling the (lung) season, as it were.

By being here, I feel 1) too close to exposing raw nerves; and 2) too close to producing (continuing to produce) a barrage of textual diarrhea or painfully inert constipation, as I try to move forward through this emotional, psychic morass.

And who wants that?

Sunday, September 12, 2010

Border towns

Nick's show, Border Towns was a fantastic mind bend and earful.  Anna calls it avant garde musical theater.  The show's description on the art space website reads:

"Border Towns explores how recordings have re-engineered the psychological landscape of the US, stitching together hundreds of recordings collected along the borders. Seven performers lipsync, sing, and move precisely with a dense map of strong fragments, ambient sounds, and border broadcasts. Along the way, musical Americana gets reconstructed into a surreal theatrical collage reflecting on recording, location, and culture."

My Cuban dinner beforehand was yummy.  A picadillo (beef hash) that contained raisins, olives and yucca.  The company, four friends from Wesleyan, one lovely significant other, and the composer/co-director, was warm and fuzzy with much "back-to-school" talk and mojito drinking (lime Jarritos for me :-)

 image pulled from web.

Saturday, September 11, 2010

Just breathe

I am pretty much done with the kitchen for now.  That unruly pantry is going to have to wait.

As I move through the season with greater awareness I am beginning to mourn the loss of two friendships I had thought would remain unchanged for life.

Because I have moved so often since leaving home for college, I've had many relationships that downshifted by circumstance.  There was nothing personal about it and I know I can pick up the phone or drop a line anytime and we could get together and reconnect meaningfully.  Or, that if I ever moved back to wherever it was that our friendship had initially blossomed, that social time together would naturally pick up.

But, there's more truth here.

I have also deeply offended/upset three girls/women in my past, enough so that they each chose to cut off all ties with me in one fell swoop.  The first time I was 19, the second time I was 22, the third time I was 34.

And now, at 44, I fear it is happening again.  Phone calls and e-mails unreturned.  For weeks.  And months.  Two different friends.  Really good friends.

I know relationships are dynamic.  It can't all be me, though when I am the common denominator it's hard not to blame some mysterious (to me) flaw in myself.  I think there might be something I can learn by delving back into the women and ADD readings.  If I ever manage to get back to it.

Alabanza

Alabanza: In Praise of Local 100

by Martín Espada

for the 43 members of Hotel Employees and Restaurant Employees Local l00, working at the Windows on the World restaurant, who lost their lives in the attack on the World Trade Center

Alabanza. Praise the cook with a shaven head
and a tattoo on his shoulder that said Oye,
a blue-eyed Puerto Rican with people from Fajardo,
the harbor of pirates centuries ago.
Praise the lighthouse in Fajardo, candle
glimmering white to worship the dark saint of the sea.
Alabanza. Praise the cook’s yellow Pirates cap
worn in the name of Roberto Clemente, his plane
that flamed into the ocean loaded with cans for Nicaragua,
for all the mouths chewing the ash of earthquakes.
Alabanza. Praise the kitchen radio, dial clicked
even before the dial on the oven, so that music and Spanish
rose before bread. Praise the bread. Alabanza.

Praise Manhattan from a hundred and seven flights up,
like Atlantis glimpsed through the windows of an ancient aquarium.
Praise the great windows where immigrants from the kitchen
could squint and almost see their world, hear the chant of nations:
Ecuador, México, Republica Dominicana,
Haiti, Yemen, Ghana, Bangladesh.
Alabanza. Praise the kitchen in the morning,
where the gas burned blue on every stove
and exhaust fans fired their diminutive propellers,
hands cracked eggs with quick thumbs
or sliced open cartons to build an altar of cans.
Alabanza. Praise the busboy’s music, the chime-chime
of his dishes and silverware in the tub.

Alabanza. Praise the dish-dog, the dishwasher
who worked that morning because another dishwasher
could not stop coughing, or because he needed overtime
to pile the sacks of rice and beans for a family
floating away on some Caribbean island plagued by frogs.
Alabanza. Praise the waitress who heard the radio in the kitchen
and sang to herself about a man gone. Alabanza.

After the thunder wilder than thunder,
after the shudder deep in the glass of the great windows,
after the radio stopped singing like a tree full of terrified frogs,
after night burst the dam of day and flooded the kitchen,
for a time the stoves glowed in darkness like the lighthouse in Fajardo,
like a cook’s soul. Soul I say, even if the dead cannot tell us
about the bristles of God’s beard because God has no face,
soul I say, to name the smoke-beings flung in constellations
across the night sky of this city and cities to come.
Alabanza I say, even if God has no face.

Alabanza. When the war began, from Manhattan and Kabul
two constellations of smoke rose and drifted to each other,
mingling in icy air, and one said with an Afghan tongue:
Teach me to dance. We have no music here.
And the other said with a Spanish tongue:
I will teach you. Music is all we have.

Jumbling my genres

My Cinderella morning soaking and scrubbing and sweeping in the kitchen was interrupted by this song I hadn't listened to in a long while.  Unable to resist humming a few bars of "some day my prince will come..."

Led by the lung

I'm feeling it.  A nearly overwhelming sense of lonesomeness.  Being open to feeling this way?  The ultimate in non-attachment.  Clinging to the feeling feels like survival itself.

Despite not practicing regularly and not taking part in hands on treatment I am able to take semi-conscious baby steps to keep afloat and moving forward.  Barely perceptible, but they are happening.

Circadian rhythm is returning, at least in the morning.  That time is quiet around here.  I am starting to take walks by myself.

It's hard to feel lonely, or egotistical, when I'm out with Mother Nature.  (She dropped a bug in my hair as I jumped off my perch in a grounding and encouraging tree...bitch :-)


In the woods


Friday, September 10, 2010

Fire


For now, a favorite and wondrous moment from a day full of such moments.  Their cabin is so special, so them, and they've been there less than a month.  They have worked incredibly hard and the fruits of their labor are amazing.

This place is so great it has me thinking more vigorously about my adult life long dream of retiring to a cottage on the edge of woods overlooking the ocean.

The fire has been stoked.

Daytrip

 image pulled from web.

Heading to the Catskills today.  My sister and brother-in-law are the proud new owners of a log cabin in the woods.  I'll be unplugged (no cell towers) all day.  Off to make onigiri.

P.S.  I've been sleeping like hell.  I miss Dr. Vinny's treatments!

Thursday, September 09, 2010

Five element theory


I couldn't resist the image.

A big loving shout out to Kelly who stepped up and into the void left by Vinny.

I was feeling crappy upon crappy after releasing some emotional baggage of the super vulnerable type.  

Talking and listening to Kelly, who promptly mentioned that we are entering into (read the link it's interesting!) Lung Season (associated emotion: grief; represented on this chart by Kyle :-), helped me to push through the gulping sobs kind of tears and more clearly understand what I was feeling.

We're so socialized to think that it is others who cause us grief.  But, truly our experiences of grief are our own.

I'm owning my grief and feeling again, so in tune with the Universe through TCM.  Full of gratitude to have people that care about me and see me to hold my hand as I figure things out, one muddy step at a time.

Morning walk

It wasn't a conscious decision not to take my camera.  The moment that I most wished I'd had it was coming upon these words on the sidewalk on the way to the park:

"My B-day is on Tuesday."

Mostly, I think that if I had had it, I wouldn't now have my vivid images running on the screen behind my eyes.

Have you ever walked through a gaggle of Canadian geese?  I swear I felt the waves of their ESP.  A pliant wall of thick non-sound as they gently parted just wide enough to let me through.  Otherworldly.  Very cool.

The first time the woman and I passed on the pavement which circles the park, I got a smile and "good morning" through her big ass headphones I think she may have seen my mouth form my words of greeting.  But on subsequent passings she didn't make eye contact.  I think I learned something about jogging protocol.

Walking outside, being in the natural world, gets you to stop thinking so much.  It forces you out of your head.  Not completely, and not that thinking is a bad thing.  But, thinking a lot all the time suppresses creativity.  Fresh air has this wonderful way of invigorating and calming.

For the love of books


Have I mentioned this site already?  People post visual ephemera from around the turn of the last century.  Thanks to Shannon for turning me on to it.

Wednesday, September 08, 2010

Louis C.K.


I just finished watching the last two episodes of the first season of Louis C.K. on FX.  I hope there's a second season.  He is thoughtful and funny.  A 40-something divorced dad of two girls making sense of life and letting us in on the good, bad and ugly with humor, but also, compassion.  I love art that makes me cry because I'm laughing so hard one minute and because I am so moved, the next.

Apartment story

"Hold ourselves together with our arms around the stereo for hours..." (Seeing them in a couple of weeks...excitement growing :-)

Grounding


There is something special about riding a train.  The kids and I love this one.  It's a small train you board in the zoo, but the track wends its way along the edge of a reservoir, in woods.  

The soft green forest floor, the sunbeams coursing down through the leaves, the water serene through the passing trunks, the rhythmic clatter of the train on the track, the breeze picking up the promising hint of brisk my soul has been craving, the soft back of my firstborn's thoughtful head...all of it grounding grounding grounding.

I would need it.

On the drive home from the zoo Sag told me that most of his friends don't know "how sensitive and really scared I am all the time".

1) I am so thankful my kids are such self-aware and articulate beings.

2) I truly don't think he is sensitive and scared "all the time".  He is a child who feels what he does, when he does, very strongly.  (Sound familiar?)

3) I hope to respond to this communiqué as best as I can over the next while.  I have a feeling that things won't smooth out till he turns 9 just before Thanksgiving.  In many child development and educational philosophies, 9 is a pivotal age.  My baby won't be my baby anymore in some respects once this is over.  The growth is amazing and not without its aches.

Apple of my nose


Macouns are in the house.  The box was left in the entryway overnight and I am enjoying the aromatherapy as I type.

We are visiting sister and bil's new-to-them Catskills cabin on Friday.  I'd had in mind to bake a peach pie, but now I'm thinking apple.

Cap handed in his tenure stuff yesterday.  Now we wait for a decision which will come sometime in December.

In the meantime, today perhaps a NBTS (not back to school) zoo meet-up, tonight common meal, tomorrow park day, Friday a cabin in the woods, Saturday an evening in the city.

Next Monday?  Our own NBTS at home.

Fall?  It's bringing it.

Tuesday, September 07, 2010

The sound of the sun

Eleanor's companion, Paul, just linked to a cool poetry website on Facebook. I found this poem via their "Poem A Day" feed.

The Sound of the Sun

by George Bradley

It makes one all right, though you hadn’t thought of it,
A sound like the sound of the sky on fire, like Armageddon,
Whistling and crackling, the explosions of sunlight booming
As the huge mass of gas rages into the emptiness around it.
It isn’t a sound you are often aware of, though the light speeds
To us in seconds, each dawn leaping easily across a chasm
Of space that swallows the sound of that sphere, but
If you listen closely some morning, when the sun swells
Over the horizon and the world is still and still asleep,
You might hear it, a faint noise so far inside your mind
That it must come from somewhere, from light rushing to darkness,
Energy burning towards entropy, towards a peaceful solution,
Burning brilliantly, spontaneously, in the middle of nowhere,
And you, too, must make a sound that is somewhat like it,
Though that, of course, you have no way of hearing at all.

Brandi Carlile

Check her out, she's a lovely talent. I love her voice and how she uses it.

I've been contemplating taking an online break, which I do from time to time.  But, I am way too plugged in for that right now :-)  Yes, there is an argument for doing it precisely for that reason, but, well, I'm a-gonna go with the flow for a bit while longer.

Big time (sensuality)

The gays posted about Björk today.  It's a concise interesting read and truth be told, I flipped for that cover shot.

They linked to this video which I cannot recall ever seeing.  Watching Björk I smile and laugh.  I think she might be a 3 too.

Oh, and P.S. : being in a bad mood when decluttering makes for much easier, rampant tossing of items into the garbage bag!


Spiraling back

I'm feeling a bit better.  The slope, gentle as it may be, is upward.

Then, I feel a sudden compression.  Whole body.  Head down, tailbone up, ears in, shoulders in, hips in.  Blood starting to pound as veins narrow and tighten.  Everything becoming a wall, and because I can't get very far from Star Wars raising these boys, for some comic relief, the image of the gang in the trash compactor comes to mind.

Pressure.  My brain gasps, my heart skips a beat.

Then, I remember my childhood recurring nightmare.  Walking along a driven snow white picket fence, entering a house that contains a bloody, wet, red organ, pumping and pumping.  It's a heart with vines of veins so dark they appear black. 

The house is dark as a moonless night and the heart is so very red.

It's grotesque.  The sight is deafening.


The end of history



I feel your sorrow chasing tomorrow
There is no distance in your absence
If you call the monsters they will appear
Like I disappear
Blackout
There is resistance behind enemy lines
There goes the hatred bursting through the fabric
If you call the monsters they will appear
Like I disappear
Blackout
You are here
You are here
You are here

A song by Fionn Regan.  No good video clip so just lyrics today.  Wish sound could be shared as easily as images in this world wide web of ours.

Monday, September 06, 2010

Blue


My healer had a serious health crisis and has been out of commission for over a month now.  I think I thought he was invincible.  Because I still can't quite get my head around the fact that he almost died.

It seems totally unreal.

During this time, the effects of my repro hormonal spikes and drops have been intense and hard.  

I first thought it was a coincidence.  As I approach menopause (I think?  I hope?), things have gone unpredictably loopy from time to time and I chalked it up to that.

Then, I thought that the tough intensity was explained by my tuning into the 'disturbance in the Force', if you will, in my energetic connection with my healer.

Now, I am thinking that not getting my weekly tune-ups, combined with the dwindling of my Chinese herbal intake, Chinese tea consumption, and Qigong practice, are all increasing the power of the vortex sucking me down.

'Cause baby, I feel blue.

And hazily dazed.

Barely tethered in the ether.

Mad men


This season of Mad Men is killing me.  The writing is lean and lyrical, the visuals are rich and engaging, the performances are nuanced and layered...  I cannot say enough about how deeply satisfying these episodes are.  So much payoff for folks who have been watching from the start.

I'm brimming with arty hormonal emotion.  Off to pick up the kids and then on to a me-included play date.

Alan's War

Stunned and breathless.  This book is amazing.  Run, do not walk, and read it.

Miles two ways

Trying to pare down my Slipping Into September playlist.  Two Miles Davis pieces are speaking to me and I think they will both stay. The other one, Just Squeeze Me, is not available via YouTube clip.


Sunday, September 05, 2010

Numerology

Who knows anything about numerology?

image pulled from web.

My destiny number is 3 and look what I found:

A Destiny number of 3 shows that you are meant to utilize creativity and optimism in life. Part of your job in life is to help other people realize the power of joy, laughter, and imagination. By helping others who may have lost the joy of living learn to appreciate life and live it to its fullest (and most joyful) you will find your own joy and fulfillment. Expressing yourself creatively is key to making this happen.

Interesting...

Are you out there




Seeing my (fir)e in the dark when I lay my head down for the night.  My breath can't reach and contracts back supertight.  The day's flavor is called Inspiration or Illusion depending on the ingredients available for the cellular chemical cocktail.  (Perhaps I am a miscreation...)

After hibernating my soul for a week in favor of scraping away at the detritus clinging to my space yesterday hours in Tiina's sunny kitchen and today lunch with Elizabeth.  A walk amongst the gusts while converting Vitamin D sounds heavenly.

Tonoharu was like stepping back into a memory bath.  Not every experience is the same for an AET, but there sure is a common thread.  Started Alan's War in the quiet before anyone else was out of bed.  Could have easily spent the day with this book.  Later.

Saturday, September 04, 2010

To-reads

I haven't been reading much lately.

Two more graphic novels have come into the reading basket via the library.  The long weekend signaling the change of season seems a good time to take a pause and curl up on the couch some (even if said couch has a cover that could really use a wash).



I love graphic novels.  

They pack no less of a punch than their non-illustrated counterparts when done well (and, of course, a novel can suck...not being a graphic novel is no guarantee of potential 'betterness'), they take less time to read/are easier to read more quickly, and if you connect with the artwork, on top of the story, the alchemy is amazing.

Friday, September 03, 2010

Clint comes to mind

The Good:

The kids hanging out on the phone with Malachi and talking at length about Pokemon.  They haven't spoken in about a year.  They haven't seen each other in four-plus.  There's nothing like the instant reconnect of old friends.

The Bad:

It has barely rained today, Earl is too far east of us.  The air hangs heavy with moisture and heat.  I'm assuming this is low pressure I'm feeling.  Weighed down big time.

The Ugly:

My language becomes foul as I deal with the children of dregs.  Al.  most.  done.


Got student loans?

Go here for a stunning account of what it means to have a student loan (or know/love someone who does).

Redwood love

I've loved trees for as long as I can remember.  The redwoods found in the northwest U.S. are very special.  Donna gave me this card for my birthday.  It was one of my favorite gifts this year.  Every time I hold it, part of me falls right into the photo and I connect to a direct line of strength, peace and breath.

photo taken by Larry Ulrich.

I don't know why I've never thought of using card photos for my blog banner before...

For you

I love this dude's voice.  Raul Malo is his name.  Been listening to the studio version of this song lately and it's unstoppable. I can understand the "rough" quality of this video. I would not have been able to stand still while they were performing this either!

Thursday, September 02, 2010

Holy dna!




I'm trying not to get too distracted by the old photographs and nice cards I am sifting through.  

But, when I saw the one above, of the kids with Malachi, I had to scan it and upload it to Facebook so Erika and Jerry could see it.  The kids are finally going back to Sacramento for a visit in February (their first time since we moved four years ago) and we are really looking forward to seeing old friends.

Once the flurry of initial emotion died down, I did a double take.  Sag happened to join me at the computer just then and I asked him: do you think you look like someone in that photograph?  His already wide smile (he really can't wait to see Malachi again) grew even wider and he said, "Cousin L".

Can't explain it

...I just love this tune.

The good

I'm lucky.  Good things have been happening as a result of my end-of-summer cleaning and despite the evolutionary rate of my development in this area.

•  I've been listening to my 2000+ song iTunes library on shuffle and have (re)discovered some gems.  They're being compiled into my 'Slipping Into September' playlist which looks like this so far:

I Should Have Known Better / She & Him
While You Were Gone / The Combinations    
Brother Lee / Citizen Cope   
We Get Along / Let's Go Sailing
A Donde Sea / Julieta Venegas  
Trane's Blues / Miles Davis
The Trapeze Swinger / Iron & Wine
Dulce Compañía / Julieta Venegas
For You / Raul Malo
When Will I See You Again / Marcia Griffiths

• I found my iPod Shuffle.  The one I thought I had thrown away because I could not for the life of me get it to work about a year ago.  I played with it for a bit and, lo and behold, got it to work again.  I have no idea how or why other than to think that the latest version of iTunes had something to do with it.  Good thing I hadn't thrown it away!



• I am modeling to the kids that sometimes you just have to do things that are tedious.  And that good things can come from it.  Once a season, I make them empty their bins and they trash/recycle things they no longer want.  It's almost exclusively personal artwork that they keep in there.  Yesterday afternoon they got in on the action with me.


• I'm making real progress.  Even a year ago, I would not have had the mental strength/stamina to go like this for three days running.  Something would have tripped me up and I would have re-dumped things into new bags and bins and abandoned the project.  (That's how I had stuff from 2007 still hanging about.)
 
I've gone through all the bags and boxes.  The first round of trashing/recycling is done.  I am now clearing out drawers and shelves.  And then, as I reorganize the space I now have, round two will begin.  As long as the space allows, things with function/meaning will stay, borderline things will go.

we made the first cut.

• New corners like this one:


• Opened up space like this:




Wednesday, September 01, 2010

The Hallowell article

I've had an article by Ed Hallowell in my things since graduate school.  When I first read it, nearly 20 years ago, I saw the piece as something special.  It was just so damned practical, clear, non-judgmental, and written for and about a (still) under-diagnosed population: adults with ADD/ADHD.

The article has survived numerous moves, my personal exit from the field, and my gradual shedding of my 'professional' collection of books and articles pertaining to special education.

The piece is that good.

And it has found its way before me again.  This time as I flicked open old files one manila folder after another and the kids' "reuse" paper basket level rose and rose.  I started reading and came to a shuddering halt when I read this (from the 'Insight and Education' section):

"Understand that you are drawn to high stimuli.  Try to choose them wisely, rather than brooding over the "bad" ones."

I'm keeping this article handy.  And hope to take another look at those books I ordered awhile ago.  It's remarkable reading things about one's self that turn on a light of warm understanding :-)

You can find 50 Tips On The Management Of Adult Attention Deficit Disorder online, here.

When will I see you again

Ultimate dreams

I found a list I made in December of 1998 as part of a yoga class.  My "Ultimate Dreams", which I had to list with specifically dated deadlines.  (Turned out the yoga center was run by folks who were way into The Forum.)

I thought it was interesting to see which dreams were realized.  Only one so far :-)

Have a baby or adopt a child by January 1, 2000.

Visit New Mexico by August 31, 2003.

Wake up to a view of the ocean every day by August 31, 2023.

Visit Finland by December 31, 2008.

What would (insert name here) do?


My first pair of shoes dipped in copper and mounted on a base which has slots on the back to slide a picture frame into.  (The frame is long gone.)

I can't bring myself to dump it into the garbage bag, but this is exactly the kind of shit memorabilia that whoever survives my passing into the great beyond is going to have sift through and then throw out.

Dregs


Not much reflective writing happening here lately.  Sorry.

At the moment I am dragging out dealing with these dregs here.  Of bag #2 (bag #1 and box #1 dealt with yesterday, bags #3 and #4 and box #2 and #3 lie in waiting).

I hate the dregs and the dregs hate me.  (Click to embiggen for dust bunnies and stray hairs.)

I know my troubles are so nothing when the day's albatross is dealing with this.  Sorry.

Would a professional say at this point, "dump it"?  I feel compelled to sort it all out.  To return the objects to where they belong.

One last thing: in "dealing" with these bags and boxes, I'm actually only getting as far as recycling and trashing as appropriate.  The things to be put back somewhere are going back into new bags.  

I've miles to go.