I am pretty much done with the kitchen for now. That unruly pantry is going to have to wait.
As I move through the season with greater awareness I am beginning to mourn the loss of two friendships I had thought would remain unchanged for life.
Because I have moved so often since leaving home for college, I've had many relationships that downshifted by circumstance. There was nothing personal about it and I know I can pick up the phone or drop a line anytime and we could get together and reconnect meaningfully. Or, that if I ever moved back to wherever it was that our friendship had initially blossomed, that social time together would naturally pick up.
But, there's more truth here.
I have also deeply offended/upset three girls/women in my past, enough so that they each chose to cut off all ties with me in one fell swoop. The first time I was 19, the second time I was 22, the third time I was 34.
And now, at 44, I fear it is happening again. Phone calls and e-mails unreturned. For weeks. And months. Two different friends. Really good friends.
I know relationships are dynamic. It can't all be me, though when I am the common denominator it's hard not to blame some mysterious (to me) flaw in myself. I think there might be something I can learn by delving back into the women and ADD readings. If I ever manage to get back to it.
8 comments:
Hi,
I know what you mean. I, too, have done this, definitely not on purpose. I often wonder if I should reach out, try to reconnect, or if the loss was meant to be. I ask myself, "Do I miss so-and-so?" and if the answer is no, I let it be. One woman told me our friendship was no longer 'nourishing' for her; I never thought/think about my friendships that way. So I am just letting these friendships go....
Sue, thank you. I can't tell you how much it means to me knowing that I am not alone in this experience. Emotionally...rationally I know that this isn't a unique situation.
I almost took this post down bc it feels so raw, but when I reread it I decided it was okay to leave up...wan smile :-)
Hi,
Yes, I know the feeling. I always thought my friendships were for life, or that the ones not meant to be would just slip away....I never thought I'd be told that a friendship was no longer 'nourishing' .... but at least she had the guts to put it all right out in front so I knew where I stood! Now I appreciate that even more.
RE: Lesley. I thought those friends I taught with were for life, but after I left, I really only hear from Anne Larkin and one or two others. We had kids together, baby showers, parties, lunches and dinners...and now, nothing.
But we had our high school 40th reunion and I have renewed some friendships there...got invited to a classmate's October wedding in New Mexico! (Not going, but still!)...
And then there's you and me...reconnected through your blog.
OMG Sue, I wrote a long response, then lost it to internet ether, rewrote it, and lost it again!!
I agree that there is something to be said for being straight with someone, even if it's something hard to hear/say.
States of uncertainty are challenging for me bc I have a tendency to fill in the blanks with a lot of drama. A lesson I am learning right now is to not do that, as much as possible, and to just let everything be, including my feelings.
Another reason for me to be annoyed and disgusted with how Lesley treated you once you went out on disability! :-(
I wonder what kind of research has been done on women and friendships in the workplace, particularly in places like schools where women are so concentrated.
I think many women have an instinct to bond emotionally, but that the reality is that most workplace friendships would not exist were it not for the 'place'...spending 40+ hours/week is pretty intense!
That's so nice that you have reconnected with some high school folks :-)
And, yes, us. A wonderful story, indeed :-)
Hi Shirley,
I guess I am a bit more sanguine about the lost friendships....maybe it's age; I feel hurt and angry for a while, then drop it.
It's funny; a teacher I work with now in Cambridge got her Master's in Severe Special Needs at Lesley in 2008. A few years ago she would have been my student, not my colleague! But these 'kids' I am teaching with are lively, fun and forgiving. So they really don't ask much about what I did before....
But regarding workplace friends, I now do not expect these friendships to stick. I just enjoy them for toay and this week!
Oh, and I know the pain of losing a carefully crafted message and then losing it!!!!!
Ah, this could be a whole discussion ;-)
I'm not good at keeping friends either. I think I'm ok with that now. It's sad at the time, but maybe it's just me. Life changes, I change. I'm a bit jealous of people who can make a friend at 5 and be buds til death but for whatever reason, that's not me and I'm accepting of it now.
I don't know if it's still going on. I sometimes (gulp) wonder if all my current friendships will drift once our kids are grown and out of the house? Are we friends just because we have the same "job"? I like to think not but . . . that's sort of my track record . . .
Eh. We are who we are. Go with the flow ;-)
Though honestly, I have a hard time imagining you being so offensive you'd be cut off. I get what you're saying about how, when something happens enough, you have to see what part you had in it but still. You? You're one of the kindest people I know.
Ah, one more thing to add. I can only say this here ;-)
Facebook has been a disappointment in that way. I have happily reconnected with ONE person from my past. Every other person from my past I've caught up with on Facebook has left me scratching my head, wondering if we ever really had anything in common in the first place. Some are horribly awkward and making me regret the friending and some are just "eh".
Yeah, it's me, lol!
Thanks, Shannon :-) I think you're very kind, too.
Interestingly, I've had the opposite experience on FB. I don't know that I'd call it "friendship", per se, but I have been generally delighted to discover that kids I knew in my child/teenhood have grown into funny and lovely grown ups who I have something in common with, or simply, appreciate. It helps that about six months ago I disconnected about half of my 'friends' (those who rarely posted or who it was clear I didn't have much in common with).
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