Cabin fever

...is the name of our newest book.  A birthday gift, hand delivered, hot off the press.  The delicious laughter erupting from where he was devouring this lovingly anticipated book drew me...

Speaking of books, hearing about this today made me ineffably sad.  Such an act of cowardice and such an incredible waste.

Wheel-y

Feeling just north of lousy.  This orange-purple carrot made me happy.  Still having to wash all dishes, pots, utensils by hand.  Cleared out sad and old veg from the fridge...they are compost-bound.  Made a loaf of bread machine bread.  Veg soup is simmering as I type.  The broth is homemade chicken stock.  Ginger, garlic, onion, celery, carrot, daikon...all but the ginger from the farm.  May roast some delicata squash later.

Cap is working with the kids this morning.  I'm going to catch some rest before it's time for me to be back "on".

Stress-free

I got about 4 hours of sleep last night and woke with a splitting headache in the vicinity of my right eye.  Moved to Sag's unoccupied bed and therapeutically rubbed my "heart" spot, my eyes (about an inch north, south, east, west of them), my breasts (women: this is something I rarely remember to do and it is so therapeutic...I highly recommend), my neck (on the right side), right under my collar bone (on the right side), my right temple, and my fingers and fingertips.

This took about an hour and then I got up.  It's been about thirty minutes and the pain is gone though I can still feel the spot.  Relief.

A few minutes ago, I read Gluten-Free Girl's latest blog post and was reminded again to breathe.  And relax.  She quoted a 100 year old man who recently ran his first marathon.  When asked the secret to a long life, this is what he said:

“The secret to a long and healthy life is to be stress-free. Be grateful for everything you have, stay away from people who are negative, stay smiling and keep running.”

This time of year is tough on so many of us.  For me/us, in addition to the holiday whammy of Thanksgiving and Christmas (and the seemingly so much that they entail: travel to visit family, big, honking meals, holiday cards, gift giving...which I have been consciously working to simplify more and more with each passing year), we observe and celebrate Sag's birthday, Cap's parents' birthdays, Cap's annual big reading conference, Cap's end-of-semester, our anniversary, and Winter Solstice.

The forces...they are sheer.

As I travel through Holiday Time 2011, I want to remember these words above.  I strive to be stress-free.

Peace and love.

Then, am I what I cook?

Yesterday, in addition to cleaning the apartment, making cds for party favors, putting together a fruit salad, keeping the kids fed and in some semblance of balance, and hosting 10 kids for the better part of the afternoon, I made chicken stock and roasted pork.

I do like the art of slow cooking.  There was work involved in making those two things, but they cook themselves, really, which is why I decided to go ahead with some Sunday cooking to get a head start on the week's food.

Today, I made a "Zesty BBQ Zauce" to enjoy with the pork.  I'd kept the seasoning to a minimum when rubbing the pork shoulder because I wanted the meat to remain accessibly tasty for the kids (Gem, in particular, does not like spicy heat in his food).  The result was pork that was succulent, but tastes like, well, pork.

Making this sauce, I feel like I've embarked on journey within a journey.  While stirring the sauce and tasting, it wasn't knocking my socks off.  I did go the slacker route and use granulated garlic and minced dried onion rather than fresh.  I decided to add a glug of honey during the cooking and a dash more salt.

What was so interesting was that the sauce with the pork was delicious!  The meat and the sauce boosted each other and came together to be a really satisfying bite.  (Gem disagreed.  He has been adding wheat-free soy sauce to his pork.)

Today I also made chicken salad with the chicken I used to make the stock yesterday.  (The rice is cooking in the rice cooker as I type.  Dinner will be chicken salad and rice and some sort of veg.)  I roasted some broccoli with bacon and garlic.  I also roasted tomatoes for the first time.

Lately, I feel like I am spending so much time cooking.  If we are what we eat, more than that, I feel I might be what I cook.

Early celebration

Sag's birthday is coming up.  Number 10.  Because of scheduling issues we decided to have his "friends" birthday celebration today.  It was a wonderful time...he is blessed with great friends.  I'm going to let the photos do the talking...I am pooped and heading to bed with the boys.

Moments

Today flew.  But, there were moments where time slowed down...

• the remarkably courteous Staples cashier with the keenly intelligent eyes (he is destined for better things, I am sure of it).

• offering the harried and impatient woman on line behind me at John's (our CSA farmer) my place in line.  she declined and visibly calmed down...I could see her letting something go.

• Gem digging this song and singing it out loud, a cappella.

• the twinkling smile of the Vacchiano Farm matriarch as she totaled the meat that will nourish me this week...in her head rather than with the adding machine her youngers all use.

• the horrific auto accident that almost happened one car in front of us (I had Gem and Daniel in the car).  *shudder*

• rubbing a mixture of two spice mixes, Kosher salt and fresh ground pepper onto a big ass piece of pork shoulder.  (to be slow cooked tomorrow.)

• sitting with Gem as he cried and whined and got some sticky messy emotion out.

• bite after bite of delectable roasted broccoli (roasted with bacon and garlic and olive oil).

• Applegate Organic Uncured Thick Cut Bacon.  (incredibly tasty.)

• hearing the kids laugh out loud while watching Zookeeper with Owen while I cooked up broccoli and kale for me and meat sauce for them.

• Gem's moans of pleasure as he dug into his meat sauce and rice.

• Sag jamming on his electric guitar.

• Gem's antics in the movie they shot today.

• hearing this song for the first time in sooooo long, thanks to a friend posting it on Facebook:



• creative juices flowing:

Back to the tomorrow-there's-gonna-be-a- gaggle-of-kids-here preparations...love and light to you.

Morning table (still life)

I set the kids' teas on the table.  A smile spread across my face as I noticed Sag's new mini-clipboard.  He had drawn a picture to illustrate just how cute he thought this clipboard was and clipped it on.

The kids went to the craft store with Daniel and Donna.  It was a rare opportunity for them.  They had $20 for duct tape and Rita's.  But, of course, they saw other things that tickled them.  When he walked in the door last night, he was aglow over his extra purchase.

I'm no tyrant when it comes to shopping.  But, it may not have happened had he been out with me.  His joy was contagious.

There is a shadow of a lamp stand in this photo.  Bittersweet.  I don't know how my parents came to have this lamp, but I remember it from my childhood.  And now, it lights our front room.  Merrily.  But, it tips.  It's built to stand on unwarped wooden floors.  (The opposite of what we have now.)  So, I have been on a mission to replace it.

Seeing it in this shot, though, I realize I want to keep it.  We won't be in this apartment forever.  Pursue a better lamp, for now, find a place for this one in our future space, later.  Sweet.

Today, a day of planning, shopping, cleaning, preparing...tomorrow we host Sag's early 10th birthday party.  15 kids, a sunny forecast, a whole lot of love and activity.

Fall gazing

Kid spotted #1:

Kid spotted #2:

Me spotted #1:

Me spotted #2:

I had a bite of nisu (Finnish cardamom bread Cap makes GFCF for us every name day celebration) the other morning.  It was a conscious decision.  And, as it turns out, not a good one.  (Unless one wants to say since I learned something some good came of it...)  Today, I was spacey.  In that ADDish way.  Shook me a little.

It led to a second ill-advised food/eating decision at dinner tonight.  Slippery, slippery slope.

So, now I know.  I am renewing my commitment to get back to a truer, more essential, sugar- and grain-free way of eating and living.  With an emphasis on Paleo (little to no dairy either).

Cap and I grabbed some "us" time tonight.  The kids had a great time with Daniel and Donna and we stayed home with Thor and Chinese take-out.

Yellow leaves and autumnal light to you.

P.S.  Have I mentioned I want a laptop?  A screen of my own.  The hard press is on here.  I dream it, I visualize it, I mention it to Cap and the kids every day...

Morning wonderful

I am smiling because, of course, the morning after I set an intention, a reason for not going offline comes to rest so beautifully in my lap.  Read this lovely piece written by a friend.

Peace and love.

P.S.  I haven't heard any peeps about Google bringing Reader back.  I may delete the Shared Items from the blog one of these days...it sits as a sad reminder of what once was...

Glimpse

Is completism encoded in DNA or learned?  Three of the four of us have it pretty bad.

 Gem said, "looks like a bookstore..."

Pokemon, Warriors, Sonic, Neko Ramen, Diary of a Wimpy Kid...

Not photographed are the four piles of mostly hardcover picture books on the floor.  Or the numerous shelves/surfaces in the room that have yet to be cleared and organized.  I am hoping to declutter the kids' room before the party on Sunday.  Tough tasks ahead as there is not enough room for all the beloved items...books, toys, Lego creations...

Sensing a shift

Well, that was not the morning I had in mind.

Which is okay.

The short of it is that neither boy has strep.  Well, Gem might.  But, probably doesn't.  He would not, could not, do the swab successfully.  I give the doctor (different one from yesterday) a lot of credit for not losing her temper or mind (she gave her swabbing effort a good 15 minutes).  I give myself credit for expressing my anger to Gem while we waited for his result (very likely tainted by the swab hitting his tongue on its way out of his wildly-bouncing-around mouth).  

I am trying not to bottle that kind of stuff inside.  Expressing it while pure, allows the other person a more clear way to see/hear/feel you.  Rather than try to figure out why you seem distant/resentful/grumpy later on.  He heard me.  A short while later, he said he felt bad having people be mad at him.  I told him I wasn't mad anymore (another benefit to letting it out, it doesn't stay with you) and he was relieved.  It was over.

They are both sick.  Sag's tonsils/glands are huge, Gem's throat is sore and red.  We will just have to play the next few days by ear...including Sag's early birthday party which is scheduled for Sunday.

Which got me to thinking.  The main reason I brought them to the doctor's office today was that if they had strep, I wanted them both to start antibiotics today so they would be okay for the festivities on Sunday.  

The fear that Sunday would not be the Sunday I had in mind has, so far, cost me $30 in co-pays and three hours out of the house on a day where I had been planning to stay put and clean/organize (you know, that thing I'm always trying to get to/keep at).

Six months ago, a year ago, it likely would have cost me some erosion in my relationship with the kids because I would have been shooting rays of misdirected resentment to them, the doctor, the staff at the center, etc.  I am so much calmer...so much more even-keeled.  It's amazing.

I know enough now that when I begin conjuring how I want things to be, or worse, expecting things to go certain ways, I am living from a place of depletion.  I intuit the negative space/time/energy and unconsciously try to fill it with "positive".  It's a form of storytelling.

The problem is, that if you start to rely on these stories to be true, when they evaporate into thin air as reality happens and then happens some more, it can bring on a slew of challenging emotions.  And you have to dig yourself out from under them to get back to square one.

So, I am setting an intention.  Between Thanksgiving Day and the Winter Solstice, I am going to go offline.  I have done this before.  It's a way to retreat and refuel...and to open up some time for myself to better tune into my firsthand world.  I may begin before Thanksgiving, I will let you know before I disappear from here.

While the kids and I were walking from the car to Terra (Sag was receiving a treat for doing a great job with his swab...and Rita's wasn't open yet), Gem said, "I feel much better being outside."

Of course he did.

I know this, I know this so deep in my bones, yet I have been nearly criminally remiss in taking the kids outside, just to be outside, in the last couple of months.  Part of it has been this danged elephant in every room of our apartment.  The effin' clutter that just won't go.  Part of it has been the cooking and food and the going Paleo/Primal.  Part of it has been adjusting to a new (homeschooling) season with new routines.  Part of it is that they are computer/video/reading geeks, happy to spend recreational time indoors.

So, as we fast approach the shortest day of the year, I am heading out.  With the kids.  For the fresh air, the healing light, the therapeutic ambiance...out into our biosphere.

This will take time.  I need to give a little to get a little.

Catching moments here and there, like our unplanned reverie at Terra today, are good.  Nourishing in many ways.  But, as Vinny so often reminds me, I need to push myself a little.  So, I am letting go of my screen time to make way for practicing Qigong (myself and with the kids) and for time outside.

And decluttering.

And eating Paleo/Primal.

And homeschooling.

And celebrating Sag's birthday/Thanksgiving/our anniversary/Solstice/Christmas...the late November to end of December season.

The key is to not lose my Self in all this.  To become one with it, to breathe with it, to live it.

Seasonal

Sag's name day was celebrated this morning (a nod to the Finnish side of our family).  Found a wee strawberry flower in the yard!  Just like him, a force of nature.

Heading back to the doc this morning.  Gem is not feeling well and i think I spot evidence of infection in his throat.

I am feeling the pull...towards pulling the covers over my head...burrowing...being quiet and still...in the dark.

Bits

Busy, preoccupied...time change, my "monthly".

• the moussaka was fresh and bright...not the moussaka I've had in restaurants.  good, but didn't knock my socks off.  may be better today after a night of "seasoning" in the fridge.  it took a long time to make (not only because I am such a manatee.)

• older kid had some GI issues after I fell asleep and the sore throat niggling him is more of a presence this morning.  likely viral, but may scoot him to the doc to rule out strep.

• a bit ADDish about the common meal menu for tomorrow night...I am not usually this indecisive...which makes me feel disorganized...

• early birthday party for Sag in...five days?!  gotta get my ass in gear.

• new nightly rhythm of rubbing the kids seems to be helping them fall asleep easier...though that could be due to the time change.  tip: not to wait until lights out (the time of which can vary).  I've been having them get ready for bed at around the same time and rub them soon after.  that way I am not too tired yet.  afterward, depending on how they feel, they can go to sleep or read/talk for awhile in bed.

• Minecraft.  the kids love this game.  it has led them to join their first multi-player server (a lesson in letting go for me).  the game has lovely background music that has stopped me in my tracks many a time.  I stop...and I listen and I feel peaceful.  Sag loves the music, too.  in recent days we've bought the soundtrack and downloaded free sheet music that a fan has transcribed.

Nom, nom, nom

I made grass-fed beef sliders and guacamole for dinner.  So tasty and satisfying. 

This eating Paleo/sugar-free, grain-free thing is really changing my eating life.  I was completely satisfied with one slider with a mound of guac on top.

The guac:

2 ripe, organic avocados
1 clove of garlic, minced (to taste...I like it garlicky)
juice of 1/2 lime (to taste...I like a hint of lime)
a dash of wheat-free soy sauce
salt (to taste)
optional: chopped, fresh cilantro...minced red onion...chopped, ripe tomato...

Mush the avo to desired chunky/smoothness, mix in garlic, lime juice, soy sauce and salt.  When it looks and tastes good, you are done.  Serve immediately.

Tomorrow, I am making the moussaka.  So excited!

Light

There is something poignant about the light which burns itself out at the end of a November day in the northern hemisphere.  I have come to love Fall as an adult...as much as it tends to challenge me.

The music in the church was wonderful this morning.  It was funny being in an Episcopal church named St. Luke's...that was the name of the Episcopal church I belonged to growing up.  Many architectural elements and details of the inside of the church seemed nearly identical to my memory of my old church.

Sag came with me, but early music turned out not to be his thing.

The kids and I began watching a documentary about the Galapagos while I folded laundry and Sag worked on his poster for the Lego Robotics tournament.

I made kale with bacon for lunch and it was delish.

Sag and I went to his team practice this afternoon.  He is not pleased with the growing intensity of "work" and specifically, "homework", that this endeavor is involving.  As this is our first time participating, there is a learning curve for both of us.

Cap and the boys and Daniel are out back shooting some baskets before the Pats game.  I am heading back to the kitchen again.  Rice and beef sliders for dinner.

Regaining rhythm

We got home late Wednesday night.  This afternoon, I felt normal again.

That took three days.

Though feeling normal was preceded by some raging PMS.

Focusing on the good, the kids and I went to the farmer's market this morning and it was cold!  I was inspired by the hardy and hearty farmers and vendors out there despite the serious chill.  We trotted from stall to stall picking up meats, cheese, eggs, apple cider and veggies.

Snippets of ideas for meals began to form in my mind.

At home, I browsed through some recipes online (Nom Nom Paleo has become a recent favorite) and made a shopping list for Whole Paycheck.  Luckily for the three of us, I was able to drop the kids off at Danielle's for a playdate with Owen (I was very irritable).  Then, I went shopping by myself...which is always enjoyable.

This afternoon, I cooked and baked.  I shimmied to my "As Chill Descends" playlist as I washed, chopped, sautéed, simmered, eyeballed, etc. etc.  I was in my element.

It dawned on me that I had not realized how much being dislocated from my kitchen, and my rhythm around food and feeding, had thrown me.  I felt out of sorts while away, but hadn't pinpointed this very specific reason.

I baked a Paleo bread.  I made turkey-stuffed acorn squash (and remembered the red bell pepper, which looked good, but really changed the flavor...not sure I'm going to include it next time).  I prepped broccoli and bacon to roast for dinner.  I popped the ground lamb in the fridge to defrost for moussaka, which I will make for the first time tomorrow or Monday.

We are having to curtail our use of the dishwasher because it has been discovered that it has a slow leak.  Unfortunately, our landlord cannot begin the process of replacing the dishwasher until after the 14th.  So, we just have to wash by hand as much as possible.

So, I washed dishes, glasses, silverware, pots, pans, cutting boards, knives, you get the picture, over and over again.

Finally sat down with a cup of milky chai tea around 3pm and watched this week's Dexter.

Then, I retrieved the kids and we started picking up the living room and their bedroom.  Running the vacuum this weekend would be a very good thing.  Dusty, dusty.

For dinner, I roasted the broccoli and bacon (it was amazing), cooked up some frozen haricots verts, and grilled a rib-eye steak for the first time.  It was a good dinner.

I am feeling like a much better mother this evening.  I've drawn baths for the kids, made them Cold Prevention tea with honey (a Master Lu blend), and am starting a new routine of rubbing them both around 8:30, before I get too tired and shut off.

Here are the boys before they headed out for local trick-or-treating last night.  A red cat and an Enderman.  They had fun.

Tomorrow, I am going out early to hear Silke's Early Music recorder ensemble play between services at a local church.  I'll be with Sag at a Learning Pirates practice (his Lego Robotics team) all afternoon.  There is still much to do to get the apartment in order (less because of the power outage/dislocation and more back to what we were dealing with before with the push to declutter and reorganize).

We host common meal again next week which means it has been a month since we started the process with the living room...which we still haven't finished.  Stand down, stress, stand down.

I've been awake since 5am...looking forward to going to bed...

What soothes you

I am in a better mood at the moment.

Between energy lag due to multiple adjustments (something that doesn't come naturally or easily for me) and a touch of PMS, I was tipping towards grumpy yesterday.

I started drinking milky peach tea towards the end of our stay at my brother's and I have continued.  It's yummy and makes me feel good.  Yesterday, I found a random bag of peach oolong in my tea basket and asked Donna to pick me up some whole milk (WTF WF no organic whole milk smaller than a gallon?!) and I've been enjoying lovely cuppas of milky peach tea with honey.

The caffeine did keep me up for a bit last night, but I still slept well enough that I got up out of bed of my own volition just before 7am.  Becoming slightly obsessive about holiday cards kept me from going to bed early as I'd planned, too.

Here's a shot of Cap and me from our photo shoot last night.  I like the overexposed effect on his face...which you won't see on the holiday card.

Last night, I "cooked" for the kids, but had take out with Cap.  I'd been wanting Chinese food for weeks.  General Gau's Chicken, specifically.  But, I know what lies beneath the gooey yumminess which is the sauce and had a feeling my body would not experience what my mind was.  

(Case in point, yesterday afternoon, in a moment of slight desperation, I cut myself a slice of my mom's tamagoyaki knowing it had sugar in it.  Popped it into my mouth and gasped because it tasted so unlike what I thought it was going to taste like.  The sugar was almost metallic tasting.  It was astounding and overwhelming.  I didn't finish it.)

I ordered beef with Chinese eggplant in spicy garlic sauce.  It was so delicious and warming.  It felt like the first "whole" meal I was having in a long time.  I ate heartily.  And was nourished.

(I weighed myself this morning, out of curiosity.  As I noted yesterday, I observed myself bloating for the better of the week.  Though I stuck to sugar-free and grain-free, I was not eating as well as I do at home and I was increasingly sleep deprived and stressed.  Turned out, I'd lost a pound since last weighing myself.)

My hope for the next few days is not to succumb to feeling overwhelmed.  To take each moment as it comes, to strive to find the essence of each moment and live it.  With as much joy and peace as I can, while allowing for all energies.

I see Vinny this afternoon, which I am very much looking forward to.

Love and light, and a cup or plate of something that nourishes you.

Back

Ready for a hail of bullets?  'Cause that's what I got.

• bacon slow cooking in the oven: aromatherapy for now.

• flabbergasted at how my buttons get pushed so intensely by interactions with my landlord.

• tight squeeze with the kids on the pullout couch last night (Cap needed the bedroom to work till the wee hours), but completely worth it.  snuggling to recharge was most definitely in order.

• watched my bodily self expand with stress bloat while dislocated.

• still warm from the hug I got Friday night.

• there are still 500-2000 households in town without power.  Vinny still doesn't have power and I fear Kelly doesn't, either.  (they live in neighboring towns.)

• stunning and sickening.  real people lost their frikkin' jobs.

• the time with Takai and his family was a wonderful silver lining.

• looking forward to lots of sleep over the next few nights.

• sad about the homemade chicken stock that was lost.

• did I mention how much my landlord irritates me?

• massive clean up, unpacking, reorg needs here.  the kids and I are homebound today and I will be working my way through the debris.

• Google, please bring back the "share" function.  how else am I going to share items from you with the click of a button to my blog?

• paperwork.  piles of it.

• I have managed not to eat grains and sugar in the last few days despite being thrown way off my food game.  I have restarted caffeine and dairy though.

• I felt like I walked through a tear in my main reality, into another dimension Sunday evening.  frantically stuffing what I thought was clean sets of clothes into a suitcase before making the drive to Queens (what I found upon opening said suitcase was pretty funny)...I was in some alternate reality as dusk descended and the heatlessness of what looked to be our apartment seeped into my bones.  I was in a daze while away.  family, friends and what little Qi I had/have helped me keep it together, but I was in a daze nonetheless.  an unexpected parkdate with Damian and Tamar grounded me and brought us fresh air, literally and figuratively.  Halloween/trick-or-treating was wacky.  I was nervous driving home last night.  was I really coming home?  interesting stuff.

• I am reminded of how small my day-to-day world tends to be.  how protected.

I leave you with pics Sag took yesterday while we were out on Austin Street.  He got all excited by what he was seeing.  Peace and love.

Last day

Balancing SIL's laptop on arm of chair, typing with one fingertip.  As you can see, baby asleep on chest.  Power came back last night. We return home tonight.  Today, a day with Baba (my mom) and the girls.