musings of a manatee: Time of the body

When I turned 40 I was stoked. Buoyed by a strong sense of "new beginning" (of the second half of my life), I vibrated promise. And I wanted to ride that tantalizing burst of bliss to lots more.

(My thirties ran me ragged. A surge of life "events" strung together closely resulted in inadequate capacity for stress management. Infertility~baby~baby has multiple food allergies~another baby~second baby contracts pneumonia at one month~leaving a job/work I loved~moving into father-in-law's in the boondocks~moving to Sacramento...it was during our second year in Sacramento that I turned 40.)

In searching for my bliss, I focused on myself. One of my guiding principles was that being happier would make everyone else in my family happier. Within a year of turning 40 we moved to New Jersey and, here, I set about looking for someone to work with, someone who would expand my capacity for understanding what makes me tick so I could travel the road of least resistance towards personal joy.

I had met Kelly at a homeschooling event at the library and we became fast friends. She introduced me to Master Lu and Vinny. The rest, in a way, has been history. As most of you know, Vinny has mad skills and has helped me, a lot, over the years. I am definitely happier now than I was when I turned 40.

And yet...as I begin staring down 50, I am realizing that a new phase is upon me. It is the time of the body. I have had a fairly complicated relationship with my body since childhood. I have carried body baggage into adulthood and never fully dealt with it. Hence, the Oprah-like pendulum-ing of my weight (according to my backseat psychiatrist couch-think).

I have been having a hard time with fatigue for nearly two years. During this time I've dabbled in self-education around hormonal issues (thyroid and perimenopause) and Paleo eating (which did seem to help a lot with my ADDishness). Throughout, I saw Vinny. He worked on me and I took the herbs he prescribed.

But, little has changed with the fatigue. (My sleep issues, which peaked during this time, responded positively and dramatically to reducing caffeine and sugar.)

I signed up for the Y, I signed up for dance classes, I created schedules in an effort to get out/move my body, I considered yoga. Nada. I've been too tired or overwhelmed to actually do any of it.

In the last three months it has creepingly become undeniable: not only am I tired every morning when I wake up (recently I've been getting solid sleep and I know I am not emotionally depressed), but I am often ache-y and I am way too heavy.

Dragon's Way started last night and we practiced movements 1-4. In a stunning moment of "oh !@#%", my new reality smacked me. Hard. These movements, which have never been hard for me, kicked my ass.

Describing the Qigong movements is a whole other post. Suffice to say, for now, that though you have to be fairly exact in your execution for maximum benefit, the movements themselves are simple, gentle and slow. Now, imagine me, doing these simple, gentle, slow movements and parts of my body starting to feel like lead within a minute of starting...not so much painful (though it is sometimes) but resistance to the simple, gentle and slow movements manifesting itself in a way that feels huge and immovable. Now add guttural moans. And sweat dripping off of me. It was not pretty.

It was clarifying. I've hit my tipping point. Watershed moment. 47 is a prime number and I thought this year would be special. I've been jiggling the key, working it, and I've been a little frustrated at the stickiness of the lock (blocked energy, prolonged fatigue, the metaphor fits). Last night, the lock finally started to give a little. A resounding "click" may be in my future.

The Qigong last night was powerful (practicing in a group generates some really lovely energy) and healing. I was not ache-y this morning. I practiced today. I have eaten much less. I have been more directed in my activity. I have had more compassion for the kids.

I feel much more grounded.

In the past, I have focused on the food part of Dragon's Way, but this time, the food will be tertiary after the movements and the herbs. After last night I know, in my bones, that practicing the movements can lead the way. It will make the rest easier.

In other news, I have been spending a lot of time cooking. And in between, I have been eating less, and well.