Ding ding ding

I usually start my morning with a single cup of coffee made in the nifty single cup French press I found in the pantry during the big declutter we did in there a few months ago.  This is usually followed by a single cup of black tea mid-morning.

This morning felt different and I pulled out the coffee machine.  Here I am with a mug practically as big as my face.  I brought it home for the kids from D.C.  Love the quote.  (It's J.F.K.)

Something has shifted inside and I have noticed my appetite is ramping down.  This is something.  It is significant.  Or, at least, it feels significant.  For I am a woman with appetites.  Big ones.  

Over the last decade I have attributed these appetites (for food, for daydreams for books, for movies, for knitting, for love...and before I left it, for my profession) to my personality (sensitive/introvert) and have come to parse it even more, to my chemical make-up which ties very much into my hormonal life and neurology.  (It's all a circle of primal ooze...with a dash of stardust.)

Timing would indicate that perimenopause entered my building awhile ago.  And has played me.  Toyed with me.  Screwed me.  Nothing personal, it's just what it does.  I'm lucky.  Because I have breaks in between the toughest times.  And in even my toughest times I don't ever feel like throwing in the towel.  Putting it down temporarily, maybe, but never bowing out for good.

I do find it very hard to remember, though, through much of it, that it's not my fault.  That, somehow, if I would practice Qigong more or eat sugar less or walk away from the screen more or watch tv less...things would be better, that I would be a better person.  A better mom.  A better partner.  A better friend.

Don't get me wrong, realistically, all the above would likely add, incrementally, quality of life to my life.  But, I had a bit of an epiphany this morning.  My little light shone.  

Something has shifted despite my not having made any of the above adjustments in any significant manner (despite thinking I should).  I realized I felt a bit more normal.  Calmer.  More peaceful.  More contained.  Less hungry.  A lot less hungry.

Something shifted just because.  I had nothing to do with it.  

Now, my appetite(s) for self-loathing and self-doubt have really shrunk.  A lot.  But in the throes of listlessness, moodiness, restlessness...when it lasts for more than a day or two, I have seen that the well is deep and old brackish water can rise.

I am glad the bell has rung on this latest bout with punk ass Peri.  I lean forward with new momentum along the path lit by my little light.

Peace.