Valrhona cake

I was just doing some planning for my trip into the city later this week for a graduation dinner for my cousin.  I discovered that the restaurant we are going to has a signature dessert: the original molten chocolate cake using Valrhona chocolate.  Thank to the internet, I see that I may break one of my cardinal rules of no gluten.

Actually, I am already envisioning a rewriting of this cardinal rule: no gluten unless it is a special occasion and the opportunity to eat the original molten Valrhona chocolate cake.  It won't make me healthier, but it will make me happy.

12

He took a rare tumble racing his brother from the car to the house.  (He was born cautious.)  He was stoked because he won anyway.  His dirt-slapped knees reddening by the second sent me back to my own childhood summers.  (I was not born cautious.)

He was so calm as he assured me that, no he didn't need my help, nor my instructions.  He knew what to do.  He cleaned himself up and opted for calendula over Neosporin.  (That he let me apply gently with my fingertips.)

Can you see what he's reading?  The kids were introduced to The Hunger Games playing Minecraft.  Gem decided to try reading the books, aware that they are somewhat darker than his usual fare.

(Yesterday at the library, I mistakenly put a copy of Dragonball Z in his hands thinking it was Doctor Slump.  "Oh, your aunt loved these when she was a kid!"  He was pretty shocked at some of the content...though more fascinated/tickled than offended.  I requested Doctor Slump from the library last night, we'll see what he thinks of that one next week.)

Alternate universe

Every now and again I wonder what my life would have been like if we had not had children. 

When the kids were itty bitty, I was astonished at how truly relentless parenting was.  Once the relentlessness relented a little, it was time to adjust.  I mourned the loss/delaying of things (work/career, travel, etc.)  Now, I am at the mid-point.  I am as close to post-kid as I was to pre-baby.  There is still much to do day-to-day...but I can feel the promise of more time, more space, more self.

Today, a friend from high school posted to Facebook that an HGTV piece on his home had been highlighted on the front page of their publication.  I clicked over and was delighted.  He has a wonderful home with incredibly appealing design elements.  I was a little wistful.  What would it be like to be in mid-life, with renewed creative energy churning, with job/career/home/financial life aligned and poised to cushion you into the second half of your life?

I will never know firsthand.  And that's okay.  This isn't a pity post!  Seeing Mark's place just brought home to me, in a stunningly visual way, an alternate view of "what if..."  Go look and enjoy.  (Oh, the private patio off the master bedroom with the hammock!)

Lunch

Red leaf lettuce from the farm, a hothouse tomato, nearly the last of the store-bought roasted chicken leftover from common meal...dressed with salt, pepper, a splash of balsamic vinegar and a drizzle of olive oil.  Some slices of Applegate Farm Genoa salami and a new pickle on the side.  Yum.

I forgot to mention that the guac I had for dinner last night I ate with a fork.  No tortilla chips.  I think there was sugar in the glaze of the ribs appie (I ordered two appies: the Garlic Lime ribs and the Pork Belly and Diver Scallops tacos).  I had one rib and shared the rest.  The diver scallops were probably seared in butter or seed oil.  Not sure how the pork belly was prepared...  But, man, they were so good and not much had been done to them.  There's no need with succulent and fresh pork belly and scallops!

I feel pretty good today.  I was physically uncomfortable by the end of the movie, the main source of my discomfort being the scent of someone's perfume.  It was Poison (hello '80s!)  Having some time in the fresh air between the movie and dinner helped me recover.

I had a late night last night (the kids and I watched Next Food Network Star and then I watched True Blood) and then played musical beds and moved into Sag's bed at 4am.  I am a little tired, a little grouchy and can feel a little something in my head...not a headache, but a tightness.

This morning, the kids came with me to feed the rats and then we traveled on to the library.  Coming home with a sack of books is always nice.  I'm currently, and very slowly, reading 11/22/63 but brought home The Year We Left Home, which I read somewhere, was very good.

I'm also having dreamy visions of knitting the o w l sweater after reading Kate Davies' story behind the pattern.  I have long appreciated the pattern from afar and would love to sidle up closer to it.

I am thrilled that the air conditioners are OFF.  I love my air conditioners when it is hot and humid, but truly, there is nothing like the balm of fresh air after a heat wave.  It is in the mid-eighties, but relatively dry.  I'll take it.

City pics

Whole30 food : : 21

Our afternoon/evening in the city was really great.  The movie was intense and beautiful and heartbreaking and life giving.  It was incredibly well crafted and impressively honest.  It was both stunningly quiet and jarringly loud.  Very much worth seeing on the big screen.

It was wonderful being out and about in the summery city.  I was happy.  Traffic was a breeze getting in and out, we found a perfect and free parking spot, we talked about the movie in the shade of a stand of trees sitting on a granite bench...

And dinner with family was lovely.  I loved the pork belly and diver scallop "tacos" (I requested salad greens in lieu of the corn tortillas) and the guacamole was scrumptious.  I did not feel deprived for a moment, even when the churros came out for dessert.  I was satisfied.  I thought it would be hard to be around gluten-y sugar-y foods...and it was not...at all.

And it didn't feel weird.  Just normal.

Minutiae of process

The kids and I were reading.  A Mini Marvel for Sag, a 39 Clues for Gem and Stephen King for me.  Once I decided to be more authentic...to deepen my mind-body connection, I put down 11/22/63 and picked up It Starts With Food (a new link with Q&A w/the authors).

It was bugging me, the echoes of "DON'T CHEAT!"  On the one hand, I know I am cheating on the Whole30 program by eating out tonight (and Thursday night) and not committing to eating food that is 100% Whole30 compliant.

On the other, I know I've gained more insight in the past 20 days than I thought I would and am gratefully looking ahead to a healthier way with food.  I feel ready to let go of the taut reins for one meal tonight and another on Thursday night, mindfully and with as much consciousness and intention that I can muster, which is, more now than pre-Whole30.

As a Whole30 acolyte, I thought picking up The Book might help...but I was also afraid of what I might see and didn't want to be tied down.

(Not going to analyze that one, but glad to put it out there rather than hide it.)

I was relieved, and delighted, to find these words (in a chapter section called The Good News, no less):

"Why go through all that self-deception, when the fact that [fill in the blank] is just plain delicious is a good enough reason all by itself to indulge?
  
We're not food robots.  We like to indulge from time to time, just like the rest of you.  But we're honest about our reasons, and we want you to be honest too: "This food/drink is not making me healthier, but that's OK, because it's delicious/special/culturally-relevant/emotionally-significant.

We fully support those reasons."

I am a little sad that I am foregoing the full Whole30 experience by going "off the reservation" for these two meals.  But, as the authors mention in the Q&A in the link above, the Whole30 is designed to be a template for self-experimentation.

I'm going to trust in the process...and see how it continues to unfold.

A little jazzed

I am nervous about tonight's dinner out.  I keep imagining myself tucking into some extravagant dessert.

(Our intention was to take my mom out to celebrate her birthday.  But, an unexpected and harmonic convergence is bringing together my mom, my cousin, my second cousin and my sister!  So we will be a happy party of six.)

Maybe saying some guidelines out loud will help:

• no gluten

• unless it's truly a single size portion, halve my entrée and bring half home/share it with the table

• stick to meat/seafood/veg and choose something un-/less saucy

• savor the tableside making of the guacamole...and the guacamole itself

• skip dessert (unless they have fruit) and enjoy a good cup of coffee

• revel in the kid-less conversation and the delight we all take in the occasion

Peace.

Whole30 food : 20

Last night we had our traditional night-before-our-friends-leave-for-Germany-for-the-summer dinner.  I realized the menu was Whole30 compliant except for the buns (and condiments) so I snapped a pic.  This was a meal gobbled up by all, Paleo or not.  The kids were silent for the fifteen minutes or so it took for them to enjoy their burgers.  A special kind of quiet.

Turkey burgers (seasoned with granulated garlic, onion flakes, salt and pepper), baked sweet potato fries, new pickles, tomatoes, red leaf lettuce (from the farm), watermelon, and Udi's GF burger buns.  

(Incidentally, I do have recipes for Paleo mayo and ketchup.  Haven't made them yet, though...and my guess is that the kids would not love them right away...especially the ketchup.)

I topped my burger with tomato and used several leaves of lettuce as my "bun".  It was delicious.

So was relaxing with friends while we watched the kids play and enjoy each other.

Peace.

Whole30 food : : 19

My ambition at lunch time was to eat something yummy and nourishing that was simple to prepare.  As I sat, munching happily, it occurred to me to take a photo...and I hesitated.  A photo of roast beef wrapped around homemade guacamole?  But then, I thought: it was not your ambition to prepare a visually stunning, or even pleasing, dish for lunch.  This was not meant to be served to a guest.  This was not meant to be fancy.

So here's my food shot for the day.  Whole Paycheck's house roast beef and a scrumptious homemade guac (ripe organic avocado, 2 cloves pressed garlic, squeeze of lime, salt and pepper).  It was really satisfying.

(I don't miss bread.  And I am beginning not to miss the brown rice wraps.  It's a combination of getting used to eating things like roast beef wrapped around guacamole and thinking of it as "normal" and an increasingly heightened awareness of the negative effects of grains on the body/brain.)

I'm tired, but pushing myself to do the minimum, air conditioners cooling every room except the bathroom.  I cleaned the bathroom, cleaned much of the kitchen, went to Silke and Roger's to receive my rat feeding tutorial from Lukas, fixed the kids breakfast and lunch, and firmed up plans for a date day in Manhattan tomorrow (Beasts of the Southern Wild and an early dinner at Rosa Mexicano with my mom who celebrates a birthday next week).

I'm excited to spend a big chunk of time with Cap.  I had an epiphany yesterday (via an email from the TCM Center which had a bit of advice in it from Master Lu...while I was sitting in Vinny's waiting room...very meta) and am curious about what will unfold from it.  This is probably going to sound so simple it will seem crazy.  I am delighted in anticipation of change that I hope will come.

I want to spend more time with Cap.  I need to spend more time with him, to be happier...and more whole.  I married the guy so we could spend the rest of our lives together.  

Adjusting to less time with each other, as well as, expanding our attention to include the kids, has been a journey.  Necessary and what we signed up for.  In the last few years, I think I have been suppressing my need for more time with and attention from Cap for two reasons (which were somewhat intertwined): he felt a lot of pressure to receive tenure and then a promotion (and generally be the family provider) and I didn't want to be needy/unreasonable.

These days the timing is better.  I have more mind space and clarity and am beginning to be able to pluck into the murky sub levels of consciousness to retrieve feelings and see them for what they really are.  He has officially gotten his promotion (though the pay bump is not-yet-concrete since faculty have been working without a contract for over a year while the State struggles with budgetary issues) and is enjoying a somewhat more relaxed stance with his working summer now fully underway.

We are still decluttering, we still need to talk shop about homeschooling, and now, I've thrown this concept into the ring: more time together on a regular basis.  For now, I am really looking forward to tomorrow.  A movie with my sweetie...just like the old days.  (The restaurant has a gluten-free menu, too!)

Peace and love.

Whole30 food : : 18

18.  Wow.

Roasted a large tray of broccoli from the farm.  The heads were in such compact, pristine condition I didn't bother washing them.  Tossed with olive oil, salt and pepper (before roasting), I could eat this stuff all day.  Bacon does give it a lovely oomph, but this batch, without it, satisfying in its own right.

Finding it very hard to concentrate again.  Listless.  Off to see Vinny soon.

Letting go-ing

Hmm.  Again, I look better than I feel.  Lighter and brighter.  I'll take it.  (I'll also take my reemerging jawline :-)

Yesterday was controlled go-go-go.  I guess a bit too much go-go-go, nonetheless.  I am worn out today.  For now I am opting to forego the go-ings I thought I'd do today: cleaning, shopping, decluttering, reorganizing...choosing letting go-ing.

Staying still in the growing heat and humidity of the day under the ceiling fan.  Enveloped in my Oakland shirt.

Honey

Quickie post to update:

I enjoyed some homemade dressing on the salad at dinner tonight.  The dressing had about a tablespoon of honey in it.

• it tasted good, but the sweet bordered on overwhelming for my (new) palate.

• within an hour of eating the dressing, my heart rate was up.  it felt like the sugar from the honey activated the caffeine still in my system from the iced Americano I nursed all afternoon.  (which didn't give me jitters during that time.)

• after washing up from dinner and saying to goodbye to my last lingering friend, I ate a peach.  it was tart and nowhere near as delectable as the one I had at lunch time.  the difference?  the second peach was post-honey.

Very interesting.  I can't believe my relationship with honey may have been forever altered...

P.S.  Dinner received rave reviews.

Peaches and tears

We received our first peaches from the orchard on Tuesday.  They ripened right up in the hothouse kitchen.  I took my first bite while prepping lunch and o h m y g o d.  I was, instantly, so appreciative for life.  My life.  It was like the peach and I were one.  I was flooded with outrageous peachy-ness.  Truly, it was an honor and gift.

A few minutes later, this song came on the iPod.  When the lyrics came to: "...I will show you, you're so much better than you know...", I started welling up, surprising myself.  I kind of pushed it back down, instinctively and did not cry outright.  But, I stayed with it long enough to realize that I was not moved thinking about my own children (which is my usual association when I hear this song, apparently a song Sade wrote for her child/ren).  I was reconnecting to myself, to the feelings of insecurity that defined much of my childhood and adolescence.  I suppose this is fairly universal, many of us would probably love to go back in time and give our younger selves a big hug and assure them you're so much better than you know.

I credit the Whole30 for rewiring my taste buds and sensory self.  It is definitely contributing to a deeper voyaging of my psyche...where some of the tougher roots of my issues reside.

Peace and love.

Notes from our morning

A quick jot while the kitchen cools down. 

The boys and I spent a chunk of time at Kmart and Whole Paycheck.  I got myself one of those chairs that folds right up and goes in a sack you can sling over your shoulder.  I'm hoping that will get me to the pool more.  I bought pool passes to the town pool again this year and am determined to get there regularly.  Kmart did not come through on my main objective: a new Brita filter pitcher.  (What I really want is this, but we don't have the money or space for it right now.)

At Whole Paycheck, Sag waited very patiently for a turn with the cheese guy.  He had samples of smoked gouda and a new-to-him cheese, Amadeus.  He really liked the Amadeus so we got some of that and some d'Affinois which was on sale.  It was interesting watching him...I could completely understand the allure of cheese and appreciated the devotion in his process.  But, my own history with cheese, my passion for it...had been completely disconnected at the chemical/physical level.  I literally could leave it.  Had no interest in taking part.  And, unlike my experience with the chocolate on day 12, I did not feel a shred of loneliness being set apart from all those cheeses.

Wow.  I guess that's what they mean by rewiring the brain.

After loading up with stuff for dinner and beyond (it always goes beyond, especially at the big and shiny Whole Paycheck in a neighboring town), I treated myself to an iced Americano.  Zowee!  That is strong!  But, good...flavorful and hearty.  Taking baby sips.

The kitchen should be cooled down by now.  Off to clean out and reorganize the fridge and make some lunch.  Then, on to getting ready for common meal.

Peace.

Whole30 food : : 17

Interestinger and interestinger.

Last night I had some sips of coconut water and also some rooibos iced tea.  The tea had a teaspoon of honey in it, though I think most of it was in a clump at the bottom of the glass.

They both tasted kind of...unpalatable.

I've been having issues with our Brita filtered water tasting bad, too.

What's up taste buds?

On the upside, only my back hurt when I woke up, I was happy to see the green and yellow of summer morning out the window, and I got out of bed and showered while everyone else slept.  I could feel in my bones whatever had felled me the last couple of days had moved on.

As I dug around in my dresser remembering that my two go-to pants of the past few steamy weeks were both in the laundry, I gamely pulled out my orange Prana cargo pants (from a Sacramento REI clothing splurge seven or eight years ago)...and they fit.

My stomach is still "apple" like and I still see bloat in the mirror, but that initial layer of blubber has come off.  I am curious about my measured weight, but am going to hold off stepping on the scale for as long as possible.

We're hosting common meal tonight.  Cap baked the corn bread last night and he'll be out of the house all day for teacher training.  The kids and I will clean the apartment and go foraging for no-cooking-involved food at the place that likes to forage my wallet for all our money.

I will take it slowly.  And with grateful breaths for how much better I feel today.

Peace.

Addendum

Oops.  In the previous post I wrote "supernatural" flavors.  That should be "supernormal".

Reading

They don't call 'em big guns for nothing.  My intestines expunged themselves heartily.  (Vinny's techniques, not my intestines...I mentioned earlier today he brought out the big guns yesterday...) 

This is different from chronic digestive issues of the poopy kind.  It's more akin to having a stomach bug.  Except I like to think of it as not being in reaction to a perceived threat...but the result of forceful intention...of healing down the bones (à la writing down the bones).

Enough about that.

I enjoyed the first of the manga Cap brought me back from Japan.  It's got some supernatural stuff, family stuff and nature/environmental stuff.  I liked it a lot and sent my dad an email asking him to pick me up the second volume.

Then, I crept back into bed.  Which I never, ever do.  I am not a napper and you will find me in bed during the day only if I am very sick.  (Which is extremely rare.)  But, the call was strong and I knew I needed rest.  So I lay down while Cap and the kids went over to Danielle's to watch the town's 4th of July parade (it goes right in front of their house).

I didn't fall asleep.  Eventually, I picked up It Starts With Food.  I've been wanting to flip through the book again to delve deeper into what it means to "start with food".  I was not disappointed.  In fact, I was kind of frightened.  I read about four hormones and their effect on our brains and bodies pertaining to food and its digestion.  

One good thing: if you are someone who has ever felt bad about yourself around your psychological eating/eating psychology, read these sections of the book.  It does a lot to demystify what actually happens in our bodies when we eat those delicious sweet/fatty/salty processed convenience foods with their supernatural flavors and why we are compelled to inevitably overeat them.  It can't help you figure out your own personal emotional triggers, but it clearly outlines the hormonal/chemical reactions and triggers which are set in motion when we eat them, and moreover, the neural/neurological workings of how the habits become permanently mapped.

The theory seems to be that by changing the food you put into your body for 30 days, you can do significant rewiring of the brain and create and reinforce new tracks.  The Hartwigs combine science and anecdote in a way that makes the information compelling and accessible.  I'm digging this book so far, though their tone annoys me every now and again.

Peace.

Whole30 food : : 16

Noting the feeling that I am letting readers down with yet another photo of guacamole, a protein, a veg and fruit...that I have a need or expectation to impress...be remarkable.  That's something to let go of.

Temps are going to continue to be in the 90s this week, with humidity.  If I could consider living in a different climate, I would.  I shut down in this kind of weather.  I miss being outside.  Breathing in fresh air, being bedazzled by light and wind and trees and sky.

The other thing that shuts down in this weather is the kitchen.  I am done feeling bad about it (which I have been and, worse, been keeping it bottled up).  Making a shift to deal with it.  Case in point: tomorrow we're hosting common meal and I've decided I am not cooking.  We'll pick up some rotisserie chickens, a watermelon and I'll make a big salad.  Maybe I'll ask Cap to make a big pan of corn bread during the night tonight.

 Making a shift to deal with it.

I went to Vinny yesterday.  Was so glad he could squeeze me in.  We talked for a bit (by the end of which my heart was racing) and then he brought out the big guns.  I left calmer and feeling more grounded.  I saw a lot of purple while he worked on me.  He said purple symbolized change.

Although I was tired and sore, again, when I woke up, and my stomach started hurting after I ate breakfast, I can see and feel evidence of change.  Of movement.  My mental block about the weather/cooking...the gunk leaking out of my left eye since last night...  See how there is no redness on the eyeball itself?  This stuff is being pushed out from within.  The eye is connected to the liver, which is figuring significantly in my process right now.  The liver is also strongly tied to emotions.

I talked to Vinny about reintroducing honey to my system.  I do think honey will move me towards more balance.  But, I have been curious about the effects of 30 days "clean".  One of the things he talked about was the line that can present itself when something you started to do because you wanted to begins to take on aspects of chaining you down rather than setting you free.

It may be that I will not need 30 days to make the difference in my life that I want right now.  I am certainly beginning to wonder about what happens after the 30 days.  I know I don't want to live zero tolerance for grains and sugar for the rest of my life.  That would be too disconnective...from family, from friends, from how I live and celebrate life.

If I am not seeking a permanent break from grains and sugars, then questions do start to creep in about the benefits of doing 30 days if I am not feeling well.  For sure, this is an opportunity.  I am open to the mystery, open to the chance to discover more about myself, open to deeper change.  

To forgive myself for not being perfect...to remember that, truly, there is no "perfect".

To push myself to activate the courage and strength...the will, to heal myself by walking onward down the path rather than take the same loop and retreading, over and over again.

Peace.

Whole30 food : : 15

My breakfast plate.  Eggs from Anthony's farm (finally!), some more homemade guac and the one leftover bit of grass-fed rib eye steak from yesterday's lunch.

I'll be up front.  I don't feel well.  

Woke again feeling tired and with sour stomach.  (And with gas which seems to build up during the night...another "symptom"of something.)  It was another night sleeping on the pull-out in the living room while Cap watched the west coast Red Sox game (and worked...he's always working).  It was the first night with open windows since this heat wave started.  (It's looking like we're barely getting a respite, temps will be in the 90s for the rest of the week.)

Between sleep deprivation, the heat, my hormones, my stomach, my fatigue, my adjustment to Whole30 living feeling like it has hit a solid plateau...I suppose it's no wonder my mood is drooping and my stress is rising.

I did send our family doc an email about checking my hormone levels (haven't heard back, she may be on vacay).  I am going to see Vinny today for an emergency pick-me-up.  I am bearing in mind, trying to, the benefits of scaling back with intention.

I am going to stop the 365 photos.  I was starting to feel some pressure about taking and/or posting photos.  I liked how it created an opportunity to stretch and explore, but it seems like an extra which can be culled to restore some balance.

Peace.