Mid-week mumble

image pulled from web.

When I woke yesterday from what felt like the force of anxiety, the first thing I thought was that I still hadn't gotten us to the post office to have our passport applications processed.  We are traveling to Japan in February and the kids' and my passports have all expired.

For anyone who needs passport photos, if you are a member of AAA they will take photos for you for free or some minimal fee.  Someone at the post office told me that.  My satisfaction that we'd bettered the post office photo fee of $15.99 per with the CVS rate of $9.99 per was short-lived.

The good news is that it's all done.

I spent the afternoon in the kitchen.  

I made vegetable soup.  I sautéed onion and garlic from the farm with some ginger.  Mmm.  So aromatic.  I added carrots and salad turnips and spinach from the farm.  Poured in a carton of No Chicken Broth and crumbled in a tab of veggie bouillon.  Gem remarked that it smelled good, out in the front room...a soft implosion of warm joy infused my insides :-)

I noticed the bananas were very ripe and decided to make a banana bread.  It had been awhile.  Banana bread also smells so good when it's baking!  The kids declined the walnuts and none of us was feeling the call of chocolate chips.  A plain banana bread it is.

The wind blows and blows outside, it's dark at 5:15pm...  Betty Carter croons and swings on my iTunes.  Sag's virus is holding on, I have teetered into maybe having a cold.

Love and light to you.

All your worth

I started reading another book I've had in the library basket for awhile.  All Your Worth by Elizabeth Warren and her daughter Amelia Warren Tyagi.  Elizabeth Warren made a strong and positive impression on me when I saw her on Real Time with Bill Maher about a year ago.  This book came to my attention, I believe, through the blog Get Rich Slowly.

It's a very hands-on book.  I appreciate the opportunity to approach these numbers and figures that plague me from a different angle.  After about an hour of reading and filling out worksheets and doing some calculating:

• the target amount (monthly) to cut from 'Must-Haves' spending: $1,523

• need to shop around for renters, life and disability insurance

• need to ascertain when we can get out of our cell phone contract and switch to pre-pay

• need to see if we can get a discount on our last remaining student loan bill

• need to look into FSA/HSA

• need to lop off a total of $1,500 per month...wow.  this enters putting the kids in school and my getting a job territory...

Old-time comics

timeless.

I've had this collection of Doug Wright's comics beside the library basket for a couple of weeks now (it's too big to fit in the basket).  I made some time to begin reading it today and the kids were drawn to it like moths to a flame.  Good stuff.

Embrace your differences and transform your life

I took some time and read some of Sari Solden's Women With Attention Deficit Disorder (subtitle used to title this post).  It's both comforting and scary how strongly some of the stuff resonates (comforting) and how clearly I see my own reflection in what I am reading (scary).

I took a self-assessment.  Of 84 items, I checked off 57.  There were three areas of assessment (out of 9) where I clearly had little to no issues: Staying Alert/Energy Levels/Activity Level, Ideas/Synthesizing, and History (only 8 items out of 25 checked off in these sections).

Which means that in the other 9 sections, there were 59 items and I checked off 49 of them.

I have an appointment with my family doctor at the start of the new year.  I think I have something to add to the list of things to talk to her about.

image courtesy of Pablo Picasso, pulled off the web.

Gray

 image pulled from web.

I woke up feeling anxious and overwhelmed.  It wasn't an all-out panic attack, but there was a distinct physiological 'fluttering' around my heart.  (This has been awhile coming.)

I've been having a hard time with focus and attention and energy and peacefulness.

I can hear wet leaves and pavement...the weather's not going to be much help today...

Fall, we have a month to turn you around somehow, let's add water and mold us into something with more balance, flow and structural integrity.

Glow

The big old maple tree out front has burst into YELLOW.  It's a cloudy matte sort of day and the kids and I have been bathed in a golden glow.

All four of us are in various stages of sick.  I like to think I am still in "fighting it" mode, but the others have had fevers, aches and pains.

I did notice yesterday evening that I appeared green in the bathroom mirror.  My quest for chopped liver this morning was successful.  I tossed a 1/4 lb. of liverwurst into my shopping bag for good measure.  Wendy mentioned cooking in cast iron, which I will give a go, too.

We have two birthday celebrations for Sag coming up this weekend.  I need to gather my strength.

I am seeing Vinny tomorrow for the first time in three months.  I'm not saying another word.  Don't want to jinx anything.

Here's the song I always think of when I think of "glow".  Peace and love.

Sweet potato pie

When I flipped through the Fall section of Clean Food last week, a few recipes caught my immediate eye.  One was for sweet potato pie and can be found here.

I decided to make some to bring to the woods yesterday.  I didn't consider color when I made the pie with the varieties of sweet potato I had on hand from the farm.  The color of the finished pie was...unfortunate.

looked greener in real life.

But, I can pass along this recipe with utter conviction.  The pie was delicious.  I loved the pecan-maple crust.  This pie was milk-free, egg-free, white sugar-free, soy-free and 100% scrumptious.

I couldn't find agar powder so did some research and subbed in some gelatin 1:1 (if you were to use agar it would make the recipe vegan, as intended).  I also subbed corn starch for the arrowroot because I didn't have any arrowroot on hand.

Woodsy reverie

Teenage dream

Glee is a show with ups and downs.  This week's episode had some really strong and wonderful moments.  I'm surprised Fox is allowing this clip to be embedded.  Enjoy, especially all you fellow Kurt fans :-)

From ugh to yum

I can barely type I am so full of hormonal rage.

In lieu of that, I leave you with good food and links to recipes.

apple-butternut squash soup.

quinoa and sweet potato salad.

Petition

Go sign if you want to let the President know you disagree with his decision to follow through on Bush's proposed tax cuts for millionaires.

Addendum

I'm not sure why it didn't occur to me to do this before, but the songs in the playlist are now linked to video/audio clips on YouTube.  Gotta love YouTube...

Promised playlist

This is the playlist which is comprised mostly of tunes that friends shared with me when I asked them to tell me a song that made them happy.  I was making a transition to practicing Dragon's Way and wanted some inspiration to help get me through the challenging pass.  It's long and I've been tinkering with it.  But, it is not destined to fit on one CD, that is clear now.  (The ordering of songs is random.  Artful ordering of a collection of songs...now that is a skill I wish I had...)

Enjoy.

Hey Ya!    Outkast    The Love Below
Starting    matt pond PA    The Dark Leaves  
Her Morning Elegance    Oren Lavie    The Opposite Side of the Sea  
Say Hey (I Love You)    Michael Franti & Spearhead [feat. Cherine Anderson]    All Rebel Rockers      
The Prayer (Chanting Inner Peace)    Ketsana
Uprising    Muse    The Resistance 
Midnight In Ethiopia   Rico    Roots to the Bone
A Night Like This    Caro Emerald    A Night Like This  
Intergalactic    Beastie Boys    Hello Nasty
Singular Girl    Rhett Miller    The Believer  
I'm Every Woman    Chaka Khan    Rhino Hi-Five: Chaka Khan - EP 
Singin' In the Rain (Version With Cue from "Good Night, Kathy")    Gene Kelly    Singin' In the Rain   
Back In Black    AC/DC    Back In Black       
Boogie Shoes    KC & The Sunshine Band    KC & the Sunshine Band 
Soak Up the Sun    Sheryl Crow    C'Mon C'Mon
Smoke Signals    Emancipator    Soon It Will Be Cold Enough
Don't Stop    Fleetwood Mac    Rumours
By Your Side    Beachwood Sparks    Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World 
Joyful Sign    Girlyman    Joyful Sign 
I'll Be There for You    Bon Jovi    This Left Feels Right  
Walking On Sunshine    Katrina & The Waves    Walking On Sunshine - Single
Rebel Yell    Billy Idol    Billy Idol: Greatest Hits 
Pokémon Theme (Season 1 Theme)    Jason Paige    Pokémon X 
Lemonworld    The National    High Violet   
Island In the Sun    Weezer    Weezer (Green Album) 
Unwritten    Natasha Bedingfield    Unwritten (Bonus Track Version) 
Hey Now Now    The Cloud Room    The Cloud Room  
Roll Up Your Sleeves   We Were Promised Jetpacks    These Four Walls 
Someday I Suppose    The Mighty Mighty Bosstones    Don't Know How to Party
A Minha Menina    Os Mutantes    Os Mutantes

Wholeheartedness

Loving thanks to Cianna who shared this Ted talk on Facebook.  It's wry, thought provoking and wonderful.

Picture this

Headed back out after depositing convalescing son and his scooter at home.

Wondered if it would still be light out on my return.  Doubted it.

Stopped to smell an autumn rose from a bush that feels new to me every time.  This particular aromatherapy incongruous when cheeks are pinched with cold.

Felt the familiar and unfortunate nervousness upon seeing a lone male figure approaching from a distance.  The first soul I was seeing this gloaming.

Delighted to get across the busy street during a perfectly timed lull.

Walked past a tyke bottom planted firmly on the path.  Walked past his mom who glanced up from her phone long enough to say "bye bye" in a bored though not uncaring voice.

Gazed at the clouds edged in gold and pink and gray.

Distracted by the pack of boys in football gear harassing the Canadian geese with shrieking lunges of power-infused joy.

Awed by the shiny white opalescent crescent moon glowing more profoundly with every exhale.

Scanned the treetops with an eager eye where the flight of the large long-legged bird appeared to end.

Cried out as I spotted the egret/heron atop a pine tree.  My word.  How lucky.  My face couldn't contain my smile, my body couldn't contain my joy.  Received Mother Nature's holy communion with giddy gratitude.

Tickled by the techno beat of a new favorite song a new song discovered today.

Joined by joggers as my steps took me home.  Color suddenly dropped out of the picture.  Newly naked branches seasonal inky silhouettes.

Lit from within a neighbor girl cocooned in her enclosed front porch.

Soothed by the sweet sad snare-drum strains of a new favorite song a new song discovered today.

Completed by my walk as the day darkened.  Good medicine for a melancholic with attentional issues.

Pocket of inspiration

Time change dissonance.  Anyone else feeling it?  I wake up and feel like an animal.  The urge is towards sleep.

I pinged right into a really bad mood.  Luckily, my kids were forgiving.  And my partner, graceful under pressure.

In between homemade protein-y fortification (scrambled eggs with arugula-walnut pesto for breakfast; a Bistro burger topped with mayo and pesto for lunch...and toast and more toast, total pre-hibernation food) I met Silke at Terra for some Raspberry Earl tea.

Take that PMS-y mood swing.

I read this post today, part of a series that the author/poet is writing about the more practical aspects of the craft of writing.  I found it inspirational and loved the Sarah Vaughn tune they mentioned (embedding disabled).

Also inspiring, I received a personal e-mail from Lui Collins telling me my CD is on its way.  (Well, it could have been written by an assistant, I suppose...)  Anyway, I wrote back sharing why I happened to be ordering that particular CD at this time.

I love lucy

I recently signed up to receive NPR's Song of the Day in my virtual inbox.

A couple of weeks ago, in came Lucy Wainwright Roche.  Her voice, noted for its clarity, charmed me enough that I bought the song, October, from iTunes.  (It didn't hurt at all that the song features the Indigo Girls.)

I listened to the song again this evening and fell hard.  Once I saw that her CDs weren't available through my library system (which is part of a vast network of libraries), I fretted.  Her voice is so lovely that I wanted the recordings non-compressed (not as MP3s).  But, I couldn't quite justify dropping the cash for her new CD and two previous EPs all at once.

But, I was smitten.  Enthralled.  I wanted them all.

I asked Cap what he would do, and he said buy one (ever reasonable, grounded, conservative).

So, I went back to her website to buy one and when I was redirected to Paypal to make payment, there I saw 40+ bucks sitting there, what remained from my last few Waldorf book sales (most of that money had already gone back to the family checking account in dribs and drabs).

Game changer :-)

I ordered the CD and both EPs.

Check her out here and here and here, I'm in love.

P.S.  It hit me a few minutes ago that Lucy's voice is reminiscent of my long ago love, Lui Collins.

P.P.S.  Yes, Lucy comes from a family of singer-songwriters...her mom is Suzzy Roche and her dad is Loudon Wainwright III...her half-brother is Rufus Wainwright.

Girl talk

Got a note that Girl Talk is coming to The Wellmont.  I went to YouTube and found this fun fan-made video.  Enjoy!

Five miracles

Five Miracles

by Thylias Moss

                    1.

We were cutting corn from cobs,

separating pied kernels

into red piles, yellow, black.

We weren’t told to do this.

We took it upon ourselves

to make distinctions,

showing off our mother wit:

red into bowls,

yellow into jars with dated labels,

black into the scuttle

by the stove.

                      2.

Lutie Watson swallowed a snake

when she drank at the creek

that lynchers sank Jo-jo’s stone-filled

body last year;

that snake must have been   

his soul transformed

because now she’s pregnant again,

way past the age of possibility.

                      3.

Went to a gypsy.

Gypsy had never seen a lifeline so long.

Stretches from my thumb to my shoulder.

                      4.

He may be a buck-toothed

ugly dude

but he ain’t a sawed-off runt.

Shoulders so broad

looks like his head

sits on a boxcar.

I go walking with him

through them I-talian sections,

them Polish and what-have-you sections,

people damn near bow.

His T-shirt (special made) says:

Home-grown in Darkest Africa.

                      5.

What’s a nice colored girl like you

doing in New England?

Thinking about changing my reputation.

Filling

Repleting after depleting.  Tonight a veggie burger on half an Udi's bagel with mayo and arugula pesto with a side of carrot fries.

My mind is wandering from eating Dragon's Way.  This time of year it's hard for me to be all veg all the time.  My need for non-veg carbs and starches is steadfast.  (I am pleasantly surprised that my need for protein has been sated with egg whites and tofu.)

I am also distracted by the CSA veggies which are not being used.

And by the nuisance of a) being a short order cook at breakfast and lunch to meet the variety of desires/needs; b) cooking two separate dinners on the nights I cook/cooking my own dinner on the nights Cap cooks; and c) making food either for Dragon's Way or to use up CSA stuff that no one else likes/will eat.

The kids love what I make for them and are very enthusiastic in their gratitude.  So, I don't mind making food for them that they like (it just takes time and attention and sometimes I stress to try to streamline the process).  

But, I am feeling a sense of...something missing.  I rarely get to experience the deep joy of making food that I find interesting and nourishing and sharing that with others in my household...and having others share their joy in partaking, with me.  (I do have this pleasure once a month when we host common meal.)

(I want this so much that sometimes I blind myself to the reality that I simply don't have this in my life right now and try to force it...I internalize the belief that if I just try harder, I can make this transpire.)

I bought a book called Clean Food awhile back that I haven't cracked open to use yet.  I'm thinking about checking it out for recipes.  It would be nice to take a break from culling new recipes (adaptable to Dragon's Way or being GFCF) from the many food blogs I read.  Having not only one source, but a source which is hard cover copy.  Books are good.

Deep sigh

Read a beautiful graphic novel.  I loved the illustrations and the tonal qualities of both the narrative and the story.

Also read The Girl Who Kicked The Hornet's Nest, finishing the 'The Girl' trilogy.  I liked it the best of the three.  It was a lovely and bittersweet end.  (The author died shortly after handing in the manuscripts for the three novels.)

Falling back

The NYT featured six poems themed around the time change.  Two were by poets I like a lot: Louise Glück and Mary Oliver.  Enjoy.

Parable
 
First divesting ourselves of worldly goods, as St. Francis teaches,
in order that our souls not be distracted
by gain and loss, and in order also
that our bodies be free to move
easily at the mountain passes, we had then to discuss
whither or where we might travel, with the second question being
should we have a purpose, against which
many of us argued fiercely that such purpose
corresponded to worldly goods, meaning a limitation or constriction,
whereas others said it was by this word we were consecrated
pilgrims rather than wanderers: in our minds, the word translated as
a dream, a something-sought, so that by concentrating we might see it
glimmering among the stones, and not
pass blindly by; each
further issue we debated equally fully, the arguments going back and forth,
so that we grew, some said, less flexible and more resigned,
like soldiers in a useless war. And snow fell upon us, and wind blew,
which in time abated — where the snow had been, many flowers appeared,
and where the stars had shone, the sun rose over the tree line
so that we had shadows again; many times this happened.
Also rain, also flooding sometimes, also avalanches, in which
some of us were lost, and periodically we would seem
to have achieved an agreement; our canteens
hoisted upon our shoulders, but always that moment passed, so
(after many years) we were still at that first stage, still
preparing to begin a journey, but we were changed nevertheless;
we could see this in one another; we had changed although
we never moved, and one said, ah, behold how we have aged, traveling
from day to night only, neither forward nor sideward, and this seemed
in a strange way miraculous. And those who believed we should have a purpose
believed this was the purpose, and those who felt we must remain free
in order to encounter truth, felt it had been revealed.
 
— LOUISE GLÜCK


Lines Written in the Days of Growing Darkness
 
Every year we have been
witness to it: how the
world descends
into a rich mash, in order that
it may resume.
And therefore
who would cry out
to the petals on the ground
to stay,
knowing, as we must,
how the vivacity of what was is married
to the vitality of what will be?
I don’t say
it’s easy, but
what else will do
if the love one claims to have for the world
be true?
So let us go on
though the sun be swinging east,
and the ponds be cold and black,
and the sweets of the year be doomed.

— MARY OLIVER

Cool video

"Production company Everynone created a terrific video poem linking words and images together in a lovely flow. Directed by Daniel Mercadante and Will Hoffman, it's a collaboration with Radio Lab and NPR. Also, watch their remix of it, using YouTube clips, at the Everynone site."


WORDS from Everynone on Vimeo.

Past noon

Listening to Phil Schaap while making apple sauce for my sick one and tater tots for my other.  A quiet day.

Sweating

I took this picture at the gallery the other night because I thought Sag would appreciate it.  He almost came with us to art opening.  I think he was strongly curious to experience such a thing, one artist to another.

I share it now to try to add a lightness to how I'm feeling, which is pretty low.  Between the news of Ely's death, Yifat becoming very sick days later, and an emotional portal being opened at the concert, all last week, I guess it makes sense that my body chose this weekend to expel and expel.

The result is that I was completely depleted yesterday, in every way.  I was in bed all day and then to top it all off, I started PMSing.

I haven't felt this bad in awhile.  Or at least, I don't think I have.  My mind was really scattered last week and this week it feels like sand in a sieve.

Something in the fold

My stomach has been sensitive this Dragon's Way.  Information having a clearer path of transmission?  Maybe.

Two dinners out, one a bit off the prescribed eating suggestion, the other one not at all off of it, and something in the fold of my GI system is communicating...forcefully.

I've spent the morning in bed with The Girl Who Kicked The Hornet's Nest and am about to see how my body fares with some rice and Donna's vegan butternut squash soup.

Last night Cap and I went to a gallery in Newark to see my friend Edie and her painting.  I enjoyed experiencing some local grassroots culture.

celebratory purple tulips.

Addendum

I connected to the Indigo Girls page on Facebook last night.  They post photos of their set lists which is very handy :-)

I now know that they opened with Devotion, a new-to-me song.

I also discovered from fan comments that it was a rare occurrence for Amy to sing Romeo and Juliet.  It was a highlight (in a show with so many), but I've actually seen her perform it before so I didn't realize how special it was for much of the rest of the crowd.

I was laughing to myself during the song because I had forgotten that their Romeo and Juliet was Dire Straits' Romeo and Juliet.  It had unconsciously become a different song in my mind.  So when she started singing, I thought, oh nice, she's covering Dire Straits...I wonder why she's not doing her own Romeo and Juliet song?  Interesting cognitive dissonance was experienced for a few moments :-)

Also discovered this morning that their keyboardist's name is Julie Wolf, not Jennifer, as I wrote last night.

Eyes baggy, voice husky-hoarse, soul still aglow.  Must extricate self and insert back into the part of life which includes getting the children to swimming at 11.

Color me indigo

Went to see the Indigo Girls with sister-in-law Lisa tonight.  I felt so lucky and blessed.  They were as amazing and revelatory tonight as they were the first time I saw them at Great Woods oh so long ago.

It is so nourishing to see live music...and to be bathed by the kind of ecstatic love and devotion found at an Indigo Girls concert...there's nothing quite like it.

Bonus joy: the folks sitting in front of us were a family of four who had come out because the six-ish year old daughter loves the Indigo Girls :-)

When they played this song tonight, I was flooded with emotion thinking about my baby boy who has been struggling so much this Fall.  It can be lonely and scary parenting a child through tough times and the song resonated deeply, helping me release some of the sadness that I have been holding in.

"So we're okay, we're fine,
Baby I'm here to stop your crying,
Chase all the ghosts from your head,
I'm stronger than the monster beneath your bed,
Smarter than the tricks played on your heart,
We'll look at them together then we'll take them apart,
Adding up the total of a love that's true,
Multiply life by the power of two."



They rocked the house the hardest with one of my favorites (beloved by so many). The crowd sang the whole song top to bottom. I love when the band stops singing and lets the audience carry it for awhile.



This was a newer song that I had never heard and really loved.



I wondered if they would play my favorite song of theirs that I have yet to see performed live. They didn't. Maybe some day.



The opening song was one I didn't recognize and I have been unable to find it. I'll be doing some digging in the weeks to come.

Thanks for a great show and wonderful night Amy, Emily and Jennifer Julie!

Peace, love and harmony, y'all!

Manatee in the kitchen

I don't know if it's having an apartmentful of kids, the gray skies or more down shifting with the season, but I've spent another day in the kitchen cooking.

carrot fries.

roasted red potato, sweet potato, celeriac.

coconut brown rice.

nourishing the next generation.

Adorned

My plate.

 pumpkin-choco chip muffin and toasted walnuts.

My table.

 celeriac.

My kitchen.

 they came running when the Pokemon theme song came on.

My body.

 wendy, my grandfather and me.

God Is Love/Mercy Mercy Me

Report from a rainy day

Watching over five boys today instead of two.  It's been very mellow and Poke-rrific.

I received some numbers this morning.  Lab results from a slip written over a year ago that I finally got around to over the weekend.  Slight anemia (this has dogged me since Gem's birth), blood sugar slightly above normal, cholesterol slightly above normal.  "Everything else" good.  I have a feeling that the Qigong and DW-minded eating will bring the slight overages down in blood sugar and cholesterol.  The anemia will be a good thing to talk to Vinny about.

Have spent most of the day so far in the kitchen...making good food for my brood of five and for myself, listening to wonderful music.  Taking a break before the dinner rush begins.

arugula-walnut vegan pesto.

jasmine rice w/pesto and a side of Swiss chard w/garlic and pine nuts.

A friend from Hunter and Wesleyan shared this as a song that makes her happy.  Perfect for today.  (I've never seen this movie and am thinking I'd like to sometime soon.)  Go here for the song, embedding is disabled.

Peace and love.

Rebel yell

This is the song Denise shared with me when I recently asked Facebook friends to tell me a song that made them happy.  I am thinking of you, friend.

Territory

Territory

Every one of us has a sparrow
underneath her tongue,
bouncing back and burrowing.

On the crest of a spared mountain,
we can barely say, Sleep well,
to the full night of open obsidian and owls.

We long gone tree-leaners
raised on poison oak and poppies
make our way to the creek bed.

We come to lie down again,
our flightless selves in the river rocks,
to bear witness.

What impossible longing.
Black oak and manzanita looming
in the nest of this natural home.

Cowbird and grackle, black phoebe.
Every one of us with a bear inside
(a scorpion, a rattlesnake).

Our danger is calmed
by our watermelon sun,
by instinct.

(Acknowledge the dirt
beneath us, expect nothing.)

We are vine and hummingbird,
eucalyptus root and centipede,
junco and blue-belly lizard.

(And sometimes the drowned deer,
and sometimes the trapped opossum,
the wayward dog, the wayward dog.)

But a little tree dust on the mountain
and the chest finds its bird again,
laughing loud on its juniper and wisteria.

And listen, even we non-fighters
know what a precious territory is
when we see it. Soon, we'll say,

Tongue-sparrows, flinting
like well-carved arrows,
fly into the yellow foxtail 

and rye we were raised on.
Alluvial soil, this claim we call
our own, take us back in.
 
Ada Limón

Impromptu

We captured time in sunshine today.  The light is slanting swiftly towards Solstice.  Have you felt it yet?

Sometimes I think I can see some of me in his face.  (This is a recent occurrence.)

The blink of an eye

I just found out that my friend, Denise, whose blog I've mentioned a few times here in the past year, has suffered a terrible loss.  Her husband, Ely, passed away suddenly and unexpectedly.  They have a son who is around my kids' age.

I have never met Denise or her family, in real life.  But, I know that Denise and Ely have a great love which is eternal.

My heart is breaking for them.

The Fogged Clarity

I have a feeling no one reading this cares as much as I do about matt pond PA...or cares much at all, but here's a gem of an acoustic session over at The Fogged Clarity.  Matthew writes and sings about relationships, nature and feeling in a way that keeps me coming back for more and more and more.

Happy day of the dead

Celebrating with music.

Figure eight

"the sign that means forever is a sideways number eight..."

The "now" playlist is still forming. This is on it. For now :-)

Burrow

Yesterday afternoon and evening felt like transition.  That pressure of incredible force.  My sensory system, particularly my ears, were so sensitive I had to leave the kitchen twice during dinnertime because the kids' voices and energy were so overwhelming.  Fight or flight kicking in and out.  Uncomfortable.

This morning I feel calmer.  I am burrowing.  Saying good-bye to light and warmth is hard on levels I don't even know to acknowledge.  My everything is turning in.  (Yet my soul looks out waiting and wanting.)

Last night I watched The Walking Dead.  It was holding-of-breath and squirm inducing.  I will watch it again :-)

Today...  I am chucking 'the schedule' and cleaning the nest.  What's the use of a schedule that one can't keep to anyway.  (Some cleaning is supposed to be happening every day.)  Reminding myself to keep the "ahhhh" an "ahhhh" and not an "arrgh".

Sometimes it's lonely moving forward as one's self, into one's self.

 image pulled from web.

Rhapsodizing rhett

"Talking to you, girl, is like long division..."  Loving this song lately.

Some thinkings

photo pulled from web.

Before I got my hair cut, showers were a chore.  I was getting so bogged down by washing my hair.  It was not fun.

Now, I am rediscovering the joys of shower time as thinking time.  There is a meditative quality to taking a shower.

The other day a thought coalesced...giving me kind of a jolt.

I seem to spend an inordinate amount of time wanting and not wanting the same thing, or conjoined aspects of the same thing, during my waking hours.

My thoughts around food during this Dragon's Way time is what got me started on thinking about this.  I'll have the thought that I want to eat something.  It's usually something very specific (ie. eggs), but it can also be a general desire (ie. animal protein/fat).  But, I don't want it at the same time because I want to work with my present commitment to go without meat or egg yolks or whatever the food is (it was Halloween candy last night, oh my goodness...)  

In a way, I don't want the thought itself because it's distracting.  Not the thinking of it so much (though there is that), but the feeling of it.  The moment can feel like a concentrated distillation of a manic-depressive episode.

Then, I realized that I hold this kind of tense dichotomy in my thoughts and feelings...a lot.  

Then, I realized that I have been carrying/creating some stress in my system due to this state of being that I haven't been fully aware of.

Then, I wondered how other people deal with this.  This kind of holding of desire and anti-desire in a single moment.  (Some of my 'moments' string together into longer periods of time/weightier realities.)

Then, I wondered if other people experience this at all.  Maybe some don't.

Okay, so that was a few days ago.  Today, something caught my eye in my Reader and I went digging a little.  I found a really interesting piece about Stoicism over at Boing Boing.  I thought some of the concepts and dealing-with-life strategies were enlightening and kind of exciting.

I don't want to deny who I am.  But, in my pursuit of the happiest balanced life possible, smoothing out the intense ups and downs (even in their smallest momentary doses) does have its appeal, and possibly, its place.

♥

I spoke with Vinny this morning!  Instant joy.

Heaven is on earth

Walking in early morning cold air saturated with sun, seasonal color and a billowing wind.

These tunes came on the iPod back-to-back bouncing me along, every cell dancing.