Cousin time

Their Massachusetts cousins slept over the other night.  They were making a pit stop, the last leg of a road trip.  The reconnection was seamless.  (Look at how smiley Gem is revisiting the Playmobil!)

Peace kites

We met up with family and friends on Saturday to fly Sayoko's peace kites.  For those who don't know the story: Sayoko comes to New York City every summer to fly and share her kites.  She makes them, at home in Japan, during the fall/winter/spring.  Her kites are simply constructed and soar in the reliable dance of wind currents at Liberty State Park.

Click to embiggen any of the pictures.  If anyone has any advice on how to deal with the spots on my lens, they would be welcome!  They really show up when I take long distance shots or the zoom lens.  (I have an approximately 5 year old Sony Cybershot digital point and shoot.)

More words to live by

...especially good for me to remember...I have patience for others and life in general, but not so much for myself.

"The best teachers have shown me that things have to be done bit by bit. Nothing that means anything happens quickly - we only think it does."

---Joseph Bruchac, Abenaki

Hey

I'm here...kind of fuzzy, kind of mulling, kind of going with the flow.  More tomorrow...I'm pretty sure.

More method, less madness

I've been keeping track of our expenses and income for nearly two years now.  (The first year's data helped me to create a budget based on our real life expenses.)  I recently created a table which breaks down our expenses by month and category.  I used this information last week to figure out that from January through July of 2010, we were in the red about $2500.  (We spent $2500 more than we made.)

Knowledge truly is power.

So, I've set the goal to reduce our expense overage by 50% for the period of August to December 2010.  More would be great, but unrealistic at the moment.  It would be cool to check in at the 3/4 mark, the end of September, and if we were successful, to make a push to reduce the overage more for the last quarter of the year.  We shall see.

I decided to start very concretely and relatively small (not so much in amount of money, but in amount of mental space).  Our groceries budget is $1000 for the month, $250 per week.  From January through July of this year, we went over budget by an average of $343 per month or $86 per week.

This morning I filled in a meal plan (I have a template that I photocopy), made a shopping list and went food shopping by myself (it is always nice to have time at home on the weekend to do things like meal plan and then food shop without kids...FYI, after dinner on Saturday nights/early on Sunday mornings supermarkets tend to be pretty empty).

I went off-list for three things: two staple items I hadn't thought of while making my list, and a coconut water for myself to rehydrate after a particularly nasty food binge last night.  I made an effort to stick to the items on the list.

At the register, I used my debit card to pay.  I waited to see what the total was, figured the difference between our groceries budget for the week and today's total (there isn't always going to be a difference, but there was one today), and took that amount out of our checking account as cash back.

Once home, I put the cash in one of the pockets of my ADD organizers (see photo above...I pushed the cash down once the pic was taken :-)  That is now the amount we have left for the week, for any grocery items.

It feels good to have some strategies come together...progression with awareness feels good, too.

Early morning

Did some brain stretching over at Every Day Eclectic inspired by a blog post at Seth's Blog.

Porch shots

The light was amazing while I waited for my friend this evening.  Motes of latter summer.

The Kids Are All Right

Loved it.

Check out Lisa Cholodenko's films: High Art, Laurel Canyon and The Kids Are All Right.  Each interesting and really good, sayeth this reviewer :-)

TGIF

(Not really...  My reality is not heavily tied into the days of the week.)

At the moment, I am happy that it is Friday because I have plans to see The Kids Are All Right with friends tonight (Mark Ruffalo on the big screen?  Yes, please.)  We'll be going to Terra for food and drink beforehand.  I still have a gift certificate, a birthday present from Kate, that I will try to remember to bring with me.  I'm feeling the urge to buy a piece of jewelry.  A memory-piece to remind me of what is important when I see it.

To breathe, to love, to keep moving, in peace.

Cooking fun

Do you know about Cooking with Dog?  (Not as in eating the dog...there's a cute gray poodle who hangs out while the cook does her thing :-)  Check it out on YouTube.  I love this and can't wait to spend time watching and adjusting for GFCF and dishing up some yummy Japanese home cooking.

Mossy moment

angles, textures and shadows.

Oh

Just had a thought: lately, if I am bothered by someone (as opposed to something though if the something is making me all flustered then the thing would be considered, too), there is a pattern: I'm PMS-y...my system is experiencing some sort of hormonal surge or drop.

Because I am a female of a certain age (I'm assuming here...maybe it has more to do with the years long process of recalibrating I am undergoing), my PMS attacks are no longer happening a few days before my period.  Yesterday it was an ovulation spike (the lightbulb went on really bright as I was shoveling yet another handful of Glutino pretzels into my mouth...alternating the salt with squares of Divine choc).  I've also noticed in the last half year or so that I have emo waves as my period is ending, rather than before it comes.

The shifts of timing have thrown me off balance, but in a wonderful way, have opened my eyes.

What's helpful about this type of knowledge is that when I realize what's happening inside me, I can attempt to check myself.  Keep my trap shut and wait for it to pass because it will, it always does.  But, most of us menstruatin' women know that this is sometimes impossible.  It's part of the package, the wild powerful womanly craziness that is PMS.

This isn't to say that I completely ignore who/what is bothering me.  There is inevitably a hurt or frustration or confusion that is running below the surface.  Something worth excavating and either studied or tossed aside as useless detritus.

But, that urge to express and expunge, a primal need dictated by hormonal activity...it is by definition uncontrollable...by embracing it and knowing it, I can be with it a little better...hold it till the storm quiets.

Over and over

A sad song that has gotten under my skin...laying right on my nerve endings. (I include the lyrics for those of you, who, like me, have a hard time hearing the words when listening to a song.)

A funny aside: concert audiences in Japan, in my experience (from 20 years ago), were shockingly well-behaved. Incredibly respectful and quiet. This live video clip makes it sound like things haven't changed much, I swear you could hear a pin drop during the pauses of Rachael's singing and piano playing!



I really thought I was okay
I really thought I was just fine
But when I woke this time
There was nothing to take me back to sleep
To take you off my mind this time

And I keep saying over and over and over and over again
Let it rain, let it rain
Over and over and over and over again
Let it rain, let it rain

I need to hide within a storm
So have the lightning come
And bring the winds that scream
And spill the fog all over town

And hold me in your stand still ground
And I will sink down
And you'll be washed away
You'll be washed away

Over and over and over and over again
Let it rain, let it rain
Over and over and over and over again
Let it rain, let it rain

I really thought I was okay
I really thought I was just fine
But when I woke up this time
There was nothing to take you off my mind

Over and over and over and over again
Let it rain, let it rain
Over and over and over and over again
Let it rain, let it rain

I need to hide within the storm
So have the lightning come
And bring the winds that scream
Spill the fog all over town

And break through every door
And strip away the trees and raise the rivers high
Just help me drown

And hold me in your stand still ground
And I will sink down
And you'll be washed away
You'll be washed away

It had to be you

StoryCorps

Happy about this:


http://artsbeat.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/08/10/storycorps-radio-histories-coming-to-television/

Kindness

Every now and again a piece I would put into my 'Shared Items' box impels me to add a link here, in the center ring.  This one, on the Sustainability of Kindness, is just such a one.

Sometimes I feel regret and guilt because I am not out and about in a community, in service, as I once was.  I know I'll get back in that fray again, it's never far from my mind.  But, in the meantime, the reality is that I can improve the quality of life of those with whom I do come into contact, by being kind and modeling the hows and whys of kindness.

Brothers

on speakerphone with his brother.

Tonight as he made his second Pokedex book in as many nights, Sag told me, without looking up form his work, that he can't wait to see his brother again.

Tonight he was having trouble with "bad thoughts" as he starting feeling sleepy and vulnerable (giant spiders under the bed).

Thank goodness his dad called as soon as they were back to their hotel after the game.  Sag bounded out of the bedroom reaching for the phone.  On the Canadian side, Cap dutifully handed the phone to Gem and the two brothers talked and caught up.

Sag fell asleep almost as soon as his head hit the pillow.

His brother will be home tomorrow night.

Esperanza Spalding

You can listen to Esperanza Spalding's new cd, Chamber Music Society, for free, here, till about August 17 when it is released.

It's really nice so far.  I like it.

All quiet...

Last night was wonderful, interesting, and quiet.  Very quiet.

I made burgers for dinner and it was like a most excellent cookout in our own kitchen.  I used beef because Cap, the resident non-red meat eater was not there.  Seasoned it with salt, pepper, garlic powder and dried minced onion.  Sag had his with melted muenster cheese (his cheese of choice) and pink sauce (mayo and ketchup), I had mine with guacamole and mayo.  And, the buns?  Gluten-y white flour buns from Whole Foods (the exclamation pointed claim on the bag: organic and vegan!, cracked me up) because our GF boy was also away.

It was so quiet while we ate because we were thoroughly enjoying our food.  We kept glancing up and smiling at each other.  Then, Sag declared that I could open the best fastfood restaurant with these burgers.  :-)

After dinner, Sag occupied himself for hours before going to bed.  He drew and read and played with his Pokemon cards.  At times, I felt adrift, not sure what to do.  He was in bed by 9:30 and read till about 11:00.  We snuggled for a few minutes and he fell asleep.  It was the first time in weeks, maybe months, that he didn't have "bad thoughts" as he tried to fall asleep.

Quiet and peaceful.

Some tidbits:

• watched the first episode of Breaking Bad last night and found it very compelling.  "Hal" from Malcolm in the Middle was very believable as a 50 year old family man in crisis across various facets of his life, driven to "break bad", and, make me care.  this series takes place in New Mexico and I am assuming it's shot there.  I used to want to move to New Mexico...for a long time it was a life dream/goal.  it was interesting to see the landscape while watching the episode and alternately finding it beautiful and, for me, unlivable.

• my Dad has booked our Japan tickets.  the kids and I will be in Japan for 10 days in February.  Cap will be there for a week (the bringer home of the bacon can only be away from work for a week).  my Dad is putting together a ceremony commemorating the passing of my grandfather (at the time it will have been seven years).  the kids and I will be flying to the Bay area where we will visit with Auntie Barbra and Audrey and whoever else we can manage to see.  very excited.  deeply happy for the opportunity to travel with the kids.

• the game in Syracuse last night was rained out.  they are now on their way to Toronto and should be there soon.

• straightened up the linen closet.  the dust bunnies looked alien (a Mars dust-y red).  scary.  couldn't muster a deep reorg in there because of the heat.  the bathroom is the one room I haven't insisted on putting an AC unit into.

• Daniel is over and the kids are watching an Indiana Jones movie.  peaceful.  except for the mayhem that pops up in the movie every now and again.

• my copy of Clean arrived in the mail yesterday!

New additions

I've added an e-mail subscription widget and one for posts and comments via readers.  You can find them on the sidebar below the live traffic feed.  Thanks to Denise for the nudge :-)

Just can't get enough

This chocolate is so tasty. It is creamy for a dark chocolate. Between that and what I'm guessing is a higher than average sugar content, it's an irresistible bar for me lately.

I use it to pick me up in the late afternoon/early evening.

Icelandic sound

Makes me want to bang a drum...twirl and whirl...run into the ocean...swing my kids up and around...laugh until I cry...

This morning

It was a quietly emotionally intense early morning. At times I felt like I couldn't breathe. Almost cried in the shower...wished I had for awhile.

Gem was snuggly and of fewer words than usual. One thing we have in common is a sensitivity to having to wait for something we've never directly experienced before.

Sag pulled down Vanessa's album, then the scrapbook Jamie made of her visit to Sacramento (full of pics of the kids when they were 3 and 4ish), then the rest of the albums with lots of baby and toddler pictures.

I am moving on to cleaning the place up. One project for the next few days: decluttering and organizing anew the scary places behind closed doors...the kitchen pantry and the linen closet.

Finger in the dam

I'm sending off Gem on a great baseball adventure to commemorate his first decade.

He and Cap will be road tripping through Cooperstown, Syracuse, Toronto, Niagara Falls, and Scranton. Three baseball games on three consecutive nights. In Toronto they will be seeing the Red Sox play the Blue Jays.

I love this itinerary. Gem picked Toronto as his destination and Cap and I filled in the blanks. Gem's love of baseball has grown exponentially in the last few months. He is excited for this trip.

My feelings of love, joy, and nervous tension, are reaching a crescendo tinged with undeniable bittersweet. I've never watched him drive away from me, he's never gone on a trip without me.

The kitchen is so good for transferring and transforming this type of emotional whirlwind. I made one of the kids' favorite dinners tonight: meatloaf. They were in heaven, I felt very grounded, all was good.

Now I hear them talking in their room with the night light on, sleep running a distant second to the hum coursing through their systems as they anticipate tomorrow. My pulse is quickening, too. Time to go chill.

Side note: I am very much looking forward to three days alone with Sag. Sag, who will be dealing with his own experience of being separated from his brother, and being fully aware of it, for the first time ever.

How to be alone

Being alone has been a challenge for me most of my life. Now that I am embedded in a family with two still very much growing children, it feels like a near impossible task. This video is empowering and inspiring and loving and yummy yummy food for thought.

Smile

(He had costumed himself to play Indiana Jones in a movie he was making with Sag and Daniel.)

Hunger

Having
unanswered
niggling
gaps, gorges, gashes
evolve
resoultely.

It may not be so much about relearning how to feed myself...though there is value to that.

But, how to let the hunger go...to let it burn itself out...to soothe it to oblivion. To heal.

Standing between heaven and earth? My nemesis may be the answer to my prayers. It's what Vinny has been telling me now for years.

Time to breathe and go write down some things I am grateful for.

Time to turn this mother out :-)

The chemistry of gratitude

Last night I remembered to write five things I felt grateful for in my Gratitude Journal. I was really tired and almost forgot. It didn't take long, the things I thought of were fairly simple.

This morning, I realized that I slept better than I have in awhile. It took me a bit to fall asleep. And I woke wishing I could catch another 30 minutes, but my younger has a cold and was up and alternately rolling around vigorously on the bed and bouncing up and out of bed to blow his nose.

The most notable and positive quality to my waking? My stomach didn't hurt. Or burn. Or feel tight. And this was after a dinner of eggplant parm and onion rings!

My knowledge is intuitive (though I bet there's some scientific research to back it up)...and I know that the time I spent feeling grateful for some things in my life last night before going to bed changed something in me, something for the better. Whether it was chemical or energetic or mental, it doesn't matter.

Most of us know that experiencing gratitude makes us feel good. What was cool about last night/this morning was realizing how easily we can transport ourselves to experiencing gratitude. And to feeling good.

A sleeping pup at one's feet doesn't hurt either.

Crevasse

I believe I've hit the nadir. Which is a good thing, because that now means there's no other way but up.

Ordered in eggplant parm and onion rings for dinner (fed the fam leftover spaghetti and a grilled cheese sandwich).

A gross in every way observation: after I ate, I started sweating bullets. My system has gone into overdrive to deal with the oil, the sodium, the white flour, the dairy.

Ready to turn over (a new leaf) again.

This Holistic Life

A shout out to my (online) friend Denise and her blog, This Holistic Life.

I am getting a lot of energy and inspiration from her posts. I heard about Clean from her blog, and tonight, I am renewing my commitment to practicing daily intentional gratitude by starting a Gratitude Journal (I've tried and thought about this before but it hasn't stuck.)

Peace and love.

Felicity

I knit up a storm last night and finished Felicity this morning. Thanks to Melody for the mods, I love my new slouchy cozy hat :-)

The little things

Pokemon is still going strong here. The kids have been drawing/making their own Pokemon cards (they buy cards, as well).

He's reading about World Cup soccer during a D.E.A.R. (drop everything and read) time. Sag has been reading Captain Underpants books lately and I recently started Children of God (the sequel to The Sparrow).

I am so pleased that Apollo hasn't expired during his stay with us. I cleaned his tank the other night and he is invigorated.

These are the lists the kids made for today. Notice the joker who wrote "today's date" at the top of his paper.

It's been a quiet and busy day. A pleasant hum of activity has been our background music. Sag has a sore throat I'm keeping my eye on, I'm knitting Felicity every chance I get, I'm fiddling with poetic words and phrases, and realizing that I don't have an episode of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia to watch tonight. That's okay, I have last night's Louie to carry me over.

I may be an ADDish Renaissance woman, but I'm feeling the energy of coming into my own as a Renaissance woman and am digging it.

Pre-clean

I have 15 minutes before heading out to Vinny's.

I was flipping through the detox book Clean today and had some thoughts. Noticing the time, I jumped in the shower and had some more thoughts.

The book mentioned that moving "no" foods out of the house is a good idea during the detox/cleansing process. A problem I've had in the past during Dragon's Way was spending (too) much energy planning and prepping my own food, in addition to, everyone else's. However, I don't expect the rest of the family to follow Dragon's Way or an eating for detox routine.

When the next two Bed, Bath and Beyond coupons come my way, I am going to invest in a sturdy blender (this one, I think) and juicer (this one, I think).

In the meantime, I am renewing my commitment to preparing the whole family more whole foods and less processed foods. And really encouraging them (and me!) to "eat food, not too much, mostly plants".

In the meantime, I'm thinking checklists. Organized by day in a week-at-a-glance format. For me and for the rest of the family. Visual reminders to help us prioritize and do, so that we are doing what we want to be doing and doing what we need to be doing.

I am envisioning that by the time I have a powerful blender and good juicer as part of my kitchen team, it will be easier for me to transition to a deeper, more focused detox routine.

Time to go!

Mumble

Hopped on the liquid caffeine, gluten and dairy train and boy do I feel crappy.

• once I step on...it's almost always an express making no local stops.

• kind of like PMS (and kind of not), it brings to the fore underlying unpleasant unmooring.

Accounting work today.

Helix

Time bends and the helix twists and souls are brought together if even for a short while. Anna and crew are here for 24 hours that feels much fuller. Looking each other in the eye, laughing and talking, sitting side by side quietly reading, comic book store, baseball game, Thai food, stadium seating, Rita's, Wii, Incan Gold, blueberry cake breakfast and Erik's Silly Restaurant dessert...