Weekend

There was time with grandparents.  There was a Baba dinner: steaks (beef and salmon), potatoes, broccoli and rice.  There was a football game.  There was a massage.

There was time in the pool.  There was a serious workout due to being the only kid present.  There was backstroke, breast stroke, butterfly, freestyle, diving and practicing flip turns.

There was Comic Con.  There was catching up with a favorite artist (who was impressed with the depth of Sag's knowledge of his oeuvre).  There was a trip to Kinokuniya.  There was a late lunch of Carnegie Deli.

There was homework.  There was too much homework and not enough time.  There was pouting.

There was a birthday breakfast out.  There was catching up, good coffee and Sunrise Quesadilla.

There was a drawing throwdown.  There was a really nice camaraderie and respect fest between birthday buddies (born 36 years apart).

There was time with a dear friend.  There was catching up and the jolt of realization that this friendship was born in 1989.  (There was a smile for a photograph!!!)

There was a long awaited, hotly anticipated release of two Pokemon video games.  There was leaving the house at 8:40 to get to the early opening at Gamestop.  There was hours of playing.  There was much joy.

There was coffee on Donna's front steps.  There was sweet, sweet Daisy.  There was drenching sun and long conversation.

There was more...it was a weekend full to the brim.  

(Cap lost his keys Saturday and, thankfully, I found them on Monday.  Turns out replacing Prius keys costs an arm and a leg.)

(I got to tour Tiina's in-the-midst-of-renovation house.)

(I drove Gem and myself into Manhattan.  It went well, but I hate driving on highways and the anticipatory anxiety was an ass.)

(The Red Sox lost a nail biter Friday night and won a nail biter Saturday night.)

(I have not been able to settle into the first of my three library books.)

(I have a ton of tv piling up in the DVR.)

Peace and love.

Whoosh

Wow.  Today flew.

I/we've been sleeping later into the morning as we combat the cold virus in our midst which has not gotten bad, but is hovering.  This accounts for some of that "lost time" feeling for me.

A chunk of the day was spent across from Gem has he grappled with mathematics.  This shot is from a pee break.  It was a tough afternoon for him.  I realized he was not working as independently as I thought he was...and he is beginning to realize the pains of truly hunkering down and paying attention to details...all the details.

I took Sag to Vinny's with me today.  One of his gymnastics classmates sat on his hand, hard, this week, accidentally, and I wanted to nip any damage in the bud.  Here I was waiting for him to get out of the car, he was very nearly at the end of a chapter and wanted to finish.

"our house" all-purpose flour mix

1 cup brown rice flour

1 cup blanched almond flour

1/3 cup potato starch

1/3 cup tapioca starch

1/3 cup arrowroot starch

I am feeling ridiculously pleased with myself for "figuring out" a new all-purpose flour blend for our household.  This works well for pizza crust, so far.  As soon as our order of sweet rice flour hits the front porch, I will sub that in for the brown rice flour.  I'll let you know how it goes with various recipes as I make them.

Peace and love.

Exhale

As I took my last bite of braised red cabbage and apple scrambled with chopped plum tomato and a pastured egg with a drizzle of fish sauce (Red Boat = sugar-free)...my body released a tiny moan of pleased satisfaction.  And I felt so lucky.  And I felt so grateful.  (The soup is butternut which deepened overnight into a super savory delight.)

Yesterday I read an interview with Ann Leary and was struck by something she said:

"I think what people who aren't alcoholics don't understand is that denial isn't a refusal to believe the truth on the part of the alcoholic. They actually believe their truth. You know, it's not that they're turning, you know, a blind eye. They actually are in a different reality than their family members."

As I shift into a Dragon-y phase, I am quietly stunned by my pieces as they fall into...a different more healthful design.  I am the same, I am still me...yet going to class and practicing the Qigong movements for just a few days has brought about a subtle sea change.

(Eating less; feeling naturally and actually hungry, as opposed to, the more familiar clawing anxious seeking comfort hungry; being aware of the ebb and flow of nourishment and inflammation/distention; feeling more focus; feeling more calm.)

I don't think I am a true addict, but I know I have the tendency in my DNA.  I wonder if this has landed me in the center part of a Venn diagram.  I am capable of going into "different realities" while simultaneously believing that in doing so, I am refusing to believe "the truth".  That's some serious push and pull and would explain some things.

Anyway, all the tension and chaos of the past few months are quickly being left in the dust.  I am feeling good.

The weather has turned autumnal again and I am obsessively enjoying my new robe, the second robe I have ever owned.  It is cozy and colorful and chenille.

I am rediscovering the joy of apples.  Local, low-pesticide fruits fresh from the orchard.  YUM.  The color, texture, fragrance, flavor...unbeatable.

I hope you are thoroughly enjoying something today.

Peace and love.

Common meal

We hosted a quiet, lovely common meal tonight that turned out to be us and Silke, Roger and Lukas.  I made the turkey meatballs yesterday because meatballs taste even better the day after and they were scrumptious.  I defrosted and reheated the butternut squash soup I'd made for the last time (we had to cancel), tweaked it with some grade B maple syrup and it was hearty and comforting.  Cap made corn bread and used coconut sugar so I could eat it.  For dessert, I served the granola and latest batch of oatmeal cookies.  Both were hits.

I took Gem to the doctor this morning to get tested for strep (it was negative).  He's feeling a little poopy, Cap is fighting a cold, and I may or may not be.

Sag was raring to go to gymnastics so that's where we were this afternoon.  He loves it, which provides a primal and passionate motivation.  But, it is not easy for him and his efforts and perseverance take my breath away every time.  Here he is on his nemesis, the rope.  I was never able to move up a rope as a child (or a teen...or an adult).  He hasn't yet, but I think he will, in due time.

Peace and love.

Time of the body

When I turned 40 I was stoked.  Buoyed by a strong sense of "new beginning" (of the second half of my life), I vibrated promise.  And I wanted to ride that tantalizing burst of bliss to lots more.

(My thirties ran me ragged.  A surge of life "events" strung together closely resulted in inadequate capacity for stress management.  Infertility~baby~baby has multiple food allergies~another baby~second baby contracts pneumonia at one month~leaving a job/work I loved~moving into father-in-law's in the boondocks~moving to Sacramento...it was during our second year in Sacramento that I turned 40.)

In searching for my bliss, I focused on myself.  One of my guiding principles was that being happier would make everyone else in my family happier.  Within a year of turning 40 we moved to New Jersey and, here, I set about looking for someone to work with, someone who would expand my capacity for understanding what makes me tick so I could travel the road of least resistance towards personal joy.

I had met Kelly at a homeschooling event at the library and we became fast friends.  She introduced me to Master Lu and Vinny.  The rest, in a way, has been history.  As most of you know, Vinny has mad skills and has helped me, a lot, over the years.  I am definitely happier now than I was when I turned 40.

And yet...as I begin staring down 50, I am realizing that a new phase is upon me.  It is the time of the body.  I have had a fairly complicated relationship with my body since childhood.  I have carried body baggage into adulthood and never fully dealt with it.  Hence, the Oprah-like pendulum-ing of my weight (according to my backseat psychiatrist couch-think).

I have been having a hard time with fatigue for nearly two years.  During this time I've dabbled in self-education around hormonal issues (thyroid and perimenopause) and Paleo eating (which did seem to help a lot with my ADDishness).  Throughout, I saw Vinny.  He worked on me and I took the herbs he prescribed.

But, little has changed with the fatigue.  (My sleep issues, which peaked during this time, responded positively and dramatically to reducing caffeine and sugar.)

I signed up for the Y, I signed up for dance classes, I created schedules in an effort to get out/move my body, I considered yoga.  Nada.  I've been too tired or overwhelmed to actually do any of it.

In the last three months it has creepingly become undeniable: not only am I tired every morning when I wake up (recently I've been getting solid sleep and I know I am not emotionally depressed), but I am often ache-y and I am way too heavy.

Dragon's Way started last night and we practiced movements 1-4.  In a stunning moment of "oh !@#%", my new reality smacked me.  Hard.  These movements, which have never been hard for me, kicked my ass.

Describing the Qigong movements is a whole other post.  Suffice to say, for now, that though you have to be fairly exact in your execution for maximum benefit, the movements themselves are simple, gentle and slow.  Now, imagine me, doing these simple, gentle, slow movements and parts of my body starting to feel like lead within a minute of starting...not so much painful (though it is sometimes) but resistance to the simple, gentle and slow movements manifesting itself in a way that feels huge and immovable.  Now add guttural moans.  And sweat dripping off of me.  It was not pretty.

It was clarifying.  I've hit my tipping point.  Watershed moment.  47 is a prime number and I thought this year would be special.  I've been jiggling the key, working it, and I've been a little frustrated at the stickiness of the lock (blocked energy, prolonged fatigue, the metaphor fits).  Last night, the lock finally started to give a little.  A resounding "click" may be in my future.

The Qigong last night was powerful (practicing in a group generates some really lovely energy) and healing.  I was not ache-y this morning.  I practiced today.  I have eaten much less.  I have been more directed in my activity.  I have had more compassion for the kids.

I feel much more grounded.

In the past, I have focused on the food part of Dragon's Way, but this time, the food will be tertiary after the movements and the herbs.  After last night I know, in my bones, that practicing the movements can lead the way.  It will make the rest easier.

In other news, I have been spending a lot of time cooking.  And in between, I have been eating less, and well.

braised pork from A Spoonful of Ginger.

toasted macadamia nuts.

banana muffins.

bread crumbs.

apple sauce.

carrots.

shakshouka.

oatmeal raisin cookies.

Off to make some turkey meatballs for common meal tomorrow and then put together taco fixings for tonight.

Peace and love.

Dragon's Way

First class tonight and it KICKED MY ASS.

I'm gonna sleep well tonight...

Peace and love.

The space between rustic and refined

You may think granola is not refined...but I am telling you, this recipe makes an almost unrecognizable granola.  It's a bit like oat candy, more savory than sweet, complex, tasty.

Most of my day was spent in the kitchen yesterday with a nice break in between to spend some time with my honey.  (We ran errands and had lunch.)

I made granola, sautéed-braised cabbage/onion/apple, made pizza three ways (Daiya cheese on one, mozz on the other, turkey bacon for Cap, pork bacon for the rest of us) and cooked up another shakshouka (with Japanese eggplant this time, highly recommend).

I tinkered with this great pizza crust recipe and the results were happy-making.  Cap has been our resident pizza maker for years and he gave my pizza the thumbs up.  I am stoked to share in pizza making! 

Sag and I have some bean digesting sensitivities so I am decreasing my use of garfava flour which is a go to flour for many gluten-free cooks due to its higher protein and flavor profile.  (We don't use sorghum, another GF favorite for its texture profile because it doesn't agree with Gem's system).  I used M.A.G.'s all purpose rice flour bend for the base of the pizza crust.  I very unmethodically used less than 2 cups and subbed in some almond flour.  (Apparently one can sub in almond flour 1:1 for any GF flour called for in a recipe, up to 50%, without changing the end result too much.)  

Then, even more unmethodically, I added about 1/4 cup of arrowroot powder.  Because I remembered that "all purpose" means a mix of grain and starch...a skosh too late.  I figured (correctly, as it turned out) that the recipe could take it.  The result was a soft crust with a hint of chewiness and a nice toothsomeness created by the golden flaxmeal I used to handle the very tacky dough when working it onto the pizza stone and baking sheet (not toe self: put a pizza stone on the "to do" list...)

I didn't take a pic last night because I was too busy getting dinner on the table, and afterward, cleaning up and preparing the shakshouka.  But, here's a shot of this morning's cold pizza...

I enjoyed some of the shakshouka for breakfast this morning with two eggs.  And thought about making mistakes.  And being a kinesthetic learner.  And how this third batch of shakshouka was the best one of all because of the tweaking and learning I have done along the way of making it over and over again.  (For example, the ingredient list calls for a specific amount of salt but then never calls for it in the body of the recipe so, I believe I left it out the first two times.  Last night I tossed it in there at the start of the 20 minute stirring-reducing.)

Off to practice Qigong.  After that, it could be anything...hanging/folding laundry, baking oatmeal-raisin cookies, braising some pork shoulder, reading my book, diving into a mess of paperwork, finishing up the food shopping, watching Life of Pi (which I recorded weeks ago), doing something with one kid or the other or both, making a phone call or two or three...the possibilities are endless it seems.

Oh, and I can pickle those radishes!

Peace and love.

Zen

The leaves are starting to turn but it is slow going with this Indian Summer we are in the throes midst of.

I am waking ache-y and fatigued every morning.  The aches fade but the enervation continues into the day on and off.  My mood is definitely improving.  But, I look like I've been punched in the eyes they have such dark circles underneath.  Last night I broke down and asked Cap to make me a grilled cheese and fried egg sandwich.  Comfort food with a touch of cane sugar in the bread.

Gem is taking a programming class this Fall which means that I get 45 minutes to myself at my favorite café once a week.  Yesterday I enjoyed a pot of peach apricot rooibos tea with local honey.  It was amazing.  Flavorful and nourishing.

I lucked upon Joe Hill's latest novel on the "new" shelf at the library.  I was mesmerized by the first chapter.  The dude shares a sensibility with his father, Stephen King (one of my longtime favorite authors).

As I wade through the heavy waters seemingly felt only by my body, working with the kids, drawing up menus for next week, compiling a food shopping list, dreaming of granola, and waiting for my appointment with Vinny...  I keep peeking at this wonderful photo that Jamie posted this morning on her blog.  Truly, the embodiment of a moment of zen.

Peace.

Hello again

Sorry to drop out there, but Precious the Larger my laptop was acting funny so I took her to the local Genius Bar and, gasp, had to leave her there for a couple of days!  She is back home now, we'll see how she does...

I have been off cane sugar and gluten since Monday.  I am sleeping well and my stomach doesn't hurt.  I continue to wake up ache-y and wiped out.  Some days this passes, some days not so much.  My mood, which had gotten pretty bad before I finally stopped it already with the gluten and sugar, has been slowly improving.  I am starting a Dragon's Way on Monday and look forward to the Qigong push.  I'll also cut out dairy, grains and meat, at that point.  Holding onto eggs, at least theoretically, for now.

I have been spending an inordinate amount of time thinking about and buying clothes.  I tend not to shop regularly for clothes for myself.  I rely on items that are/were made well and therefore last, seemingly a lifetime.  I also purchase pieces impulsively because I am bored with what I have (and they just won't die) or I happen upon something super on sale.  Every now and again I'll buy a bunch of things all at once (things I think of as staple-ware) and then they all fall apart at the same time necessitating restocking.  Then there's my Oprah-esque body weight pendulum swinging.  Because I go back and forth, I try to keep things "just-in-case" when they are too big, but also tend to celebrate by buying when I am "smaller".  (Meaning: I have more clothes than I actually do or can wear.)

Right now, I'm in a restocking place...but also am anticipating/hoping to swing to a smaller place.  This kind of pondering is so...dull and dull-making.  But, as the cooler weather hit and I found myself with not much to wear other than my sweatpants...


As unappealing as it was, I needed to do consider new clothes.  Ordering online, returning much, trying things on in stores, not liking anything, making time to get to stores, taking time to check prices and find free shipping coupon codes...yuck.

I think I'm almost done.  Today I went to an L.L. Bean store and to make a long story short, they didn't have what I thought they would, I discovered that sometimes what's discounted online is not necessarily so in the store, and, seeing and feeling something can really change one's impression.

This sweater, which I can't remember ever noticing in their catalogue, drew me like a moth to a flame, in the store.  It was so cushy and comfy and the color was fantastic...more orange and less coral.  If it had fit me better, I would have snapped it right up, full price.  As it is, I am considering ordering it online despite my suspicion that I fall right between two sizes...but can't quite justify it.  They have three items I want more than I need, but they are all full price.  I suppose I'll wait till I get notification of their next sale.  But, they tend to run out of stock.  But, but, but.

Oh. My. God.  Just...stop.

Here's a lovely poem.

And a link to new music.

And one, two, three books I just requested from the library.

All free because I am trying NOT to spend money!  Go away thoughts of a pretty new sweater!

Peace and love.

Oatmeal raisin cookies

Cap loves oatmeal raisin cookies and, sadly, this is the first time I've made them for him.  I looked at two recipes over at Gluten-Free Goddess, but due to laptop mishaps (my iteration of the Macbook Air has a hardware bug that has mostly just been annoying, but this morning it did an unexpected buggy total shut down which is untenable...must bring it in to the mothership), focused on the one with eggs and chocolate chips in it.  I subbed raisins for the chocolate chips, coconut sugar for the brown sugar, brown rice flour for the sorghum and millet flours, and potato starch for the tapioca starch.

The verdict: these look better than they taste.  I am highly motivated, though, and am already thinking of tweaks.  Next batch I will use half brown rice and half almond flours.  (There was a slightly sandy quality to the cookies.)  I may also pick up a bag of sweet rice flour and try a batch with that and almond flour.  Also, I am going to reduce or eliminate the nutmeg.  It's possible that our nutmeg is going stale...but it just tasted strong and almost bitter.  Finally, I was left with a strong sense of the absence of butter.  As much as I love my Kerrygold, I do not often miss butter in the GFCF food that I make.  So, this experience stood out.  I may try a batch with butter.  Cap eschews dairy, generally, so I'll see what he wants to do.  (He has not tried a cookie yet.  Gem hasn't tried one, either.  Sag thought it was okay, he said it was flaky.)

Peace and love.

Check!

I showed the kids Texts From Mittens (and immediately thereafter knocked the tab off my desktop).

I am incredibly lucky that my life is my life.  Never not know I feel this way.

Peace.

Weekend update

I am overwhelmed, yo.

In one of those hyperly-noticing-every-little-and-big-thing-I-wish-was-done-but-isn't places.

Yuck.

Here are the (seventeen) tabs I currently have open in Chrome:

• Ikea Hack Standing Desk For Shorter Ladies.

•.Gummy Bears recipe.

• my Goole calendar:

• Sesame Kelp Noodles recipe.

• Fresh Ginger Syrup recipe.

• Momastery post that has had me very seriously pondering a 40 day internet fast.

• Momastery post with amazing letter to child posted during her 40 day internet fast which has had me seriously rethinking the fast thing.

• Texts From Mittens.

• The Two Simple Equations That Lead To Financial Success.

• Louis CK Was Almost Right About Smartphones, Loneliness, Sadness, The Meaning Of Life and Everything.

• Gluten-Free Oatmeal Chocolate Chip Cookies recipe.

• another Gluten-Free Oatmeal Chocolate Chip Cookie recipe.

• A Raft Of Grief.

• Pasta With Pea Sauce recipe.

• Fig And Almond Cake recipe.

• Wanna Be On Your Mind:

• Silver Dollar Pancakes recipe:

The first thing that's kind of killing me: most of these tabs come with multiple thoughts/ideas attached to them.  

For example, the gummy bears recipe...

~~~I've been wanting to decrease the kids' sugar intake~~~they might like these~~~ooh the molds are on sale at Think Geek~~~I'll order a bunch of stuff to get free shipping~~~the Think Geek box arrived days ago and remains unopened~~~I spent a long time looking for other stuff to order~~~if I had just gotten the molds and paid for shipping I would have spent $50 less~~~I shouldn't have spent all that money~~~are the kids going to even like these~~~when am I going to make these~~~

Exhausting.  Stupid.  Unstoppable.

Well, seemingly unstoppable.

The second thing that's kind of killing me: this current reality of my desktop (in/arguably a virtual environment) totally mirrors the current reality of my home/body/mind (in/arguably my actual environments).  Lots of thoughts and ideas, intentions and dreams, converted into STUFF that PILES and GATHERS.

Sparks happy and bright devolve into dusty lumps forgotten-in-plain-sight.

This brings me down.  Not in the good-for-me grounding way described here, but in a pulled under into the doldrums way.

And yet, and yet, I push through...through these moments that are not comfortable (unfortunately, they are not comfortable for my little family, either), but are simply a part of my life.

Peace and love.

Neko Case

Last night we went to see Neko Case at Radio City.  "A dream come true," she said with gratitude, before leaving the stage.  It was in my fuzzy top five concerts ever.  I thoroughly enjoyed the evening of at times raucous, at times dramatic, at times heartbreaking, songcraft and music.  And laughs...there were many laughs between Neko's and Kelly Hogan's witty quips.

The most intense moment of the night was this song.

And the most happy-making, head-bopping, release-full one was this song.

Peace and love and music.

Thrumming along on a thursday

My period came "early"...my body has gone perimenopausal rogue...you go, girl.

Good news, it has not decimated me energy-wise and yesterday I drove Sag to gymnastics and then the kids and I went to common meal (which was good but truly a shadow of its former incarnation).

Interesting news, as soon as I got my period, my body felt a huge sense of relief.  I didn't realize how pent up I was, it felt SO good, but also a little loony.

Not bad news, but on the flip side of yesterday's ability to follow the day's agenda, today I am vacillating between craving rest and feeling restless.  Later, I will take Gem to his first programming class (and get myself a spot of tea while waiting for him) and tonight, we head into the city to see Neko Case.

On a separate note, this piece and this piece are resonating recently.

I am feeling too tired to cook...but have some veg that need attention.  Maybe it will happen if I can get my mind-full with the thought...

Peace and love.

Yesterday

Got the time wrong and had an extra half hour to myself sipping on a chai latte before an hour spent catching up with Silke who I had not seen since her return from Germany.

I do love a good mise en place.  The CSA veg called for another shakshouka base.  I used summer squash and boxed crush toms for this one.

I also used red bell peppers because that's what I had.  Love, love, the color.

I love having something to put turmeric in.  I recently learned that it has anti-inflammatory qualities.  The smell of it doesn't call to me, but the color sure does.

Last night was Taco Tuesday.  The protein was ground Mangalitsa pork.  Good thing I'd caramelized these peppers and leeks because the boys decimated the pork (they did wonder out loud whether I was planning on having any pork in mine and I reassured them I was happy to enjoy vegetarian ones).

Dancing autumn shadows captured in a still.

The kids' new slippers and boots arrived.  Whoa.  Just, whoa.

This is one of our biggest bowls piled high with the week's share of fruit.  'Tis the season...

The kids and I watched the premiere of Marvel Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. last night.  It was mostly sweet having them be old enough to watch a Joss Whedon work with me, but I was also deeply wistful remembering days of yore watching Buffy with Cap and good friends in our apartment in Cambridge.  

Sag was pleasantly surprised by how much comedy was on display.  It was interesting to see the nearly invisible line that separated the kids' capacities to follow the action and dialogue.  Sag needed significant "hit pause and explain" break.  They both woke up in the middle of the night and Gem stayed up to read because he was scared (he doesn't remember why this morning)...I wonder whether the content/imagery may have been too much.  (We watched the trailer for Gravity which may have stirred some things up in their unconscious, too.)

We saw a shorter version...but the below will give you an idea...bad mommy...

Signs of the season

I spent the morning recovering from a late night watching the Emmys (which I very rarely do, I am a Golden Globes girl), the penultimate episode of Breaking Bad and the series finale of Dexter.  Oh, and I slept on the floor of the kids' room.  I am crossing my fingers that after a week or so of this sleeping arrangement, that a certain someone will stop waking up in the middle of the night needing to check in with me to make sure I am still of this world.

I called upon my trusty shopping pals and we drove over to the mall so I could return/exchange some Fall stuff for myself and also stop into the Apple store to inquire about our options in dealing with a cracked screen on the iPad.

This afternoon, inspired by the many apples remaining in the fruit bowl (tomorrow we receive our next share), and, the shift to much crisper weather, I asked the kids to give me a hand in making some apple sauce.  I ran out to the store to pick up some pork chops and baby spinach, and there is corn bread leftover from last night.  A good dinner will be had.

I am determined to read some books in the next few months.  It has been a spare reading year thus far.  I just finished Questlove's memoir , which I really enjoyed, and am ready for something new.  An embarrassment of riches line my shelves...what to choose, what to choose.

Also, Cap and I have recommitted to watching a movie together every week, alternating turns to pick.  So far, we have watched Adrift In Tokyo, My Man Godfrey, and I Wish.  The Awful Truth is on deck for this weekend.  I've decided to go with a "classics" theme and am choosing movies released before I was born (except one, To Sir, With Love, which I have long wanted to see and was released the year of my birth).  I solicited suggestions on Facebook and have a robust list of movies going, many of which I had never heard of.

I have thoroughly enjoyed all three movies we've seen so far and recommend all of them.  Adrift In Tokyo and I Wish are Japanese movies with subtitles.  Let me know if you have any recommendations for movies or books!

Peace and love.

The hormonal thing

A glimpse into the crazy:

A few days ago, I felt almost angry at myself...easily reducing my life to maker-of-peach-jam and doing nothing to serve anyone outside the scope of my little family.

Then, yesterday, I cannot even remember how or who triggered this, I thought that I might want another baby.

Craaaaaaazy.

I will add that I think there is truth to be recognized in the crazy (generally, for all of us).  Little kernels...to bear witness to, to honor, to give a squeeze to before sending it along.  They are not necessarily lasting truths.  But, they can serve to shape our now somewhat more authentically.

The trick is to know, through intuition and/or skill, how to integrate what seems disparate, depressing, lunatic.  Or, more realistically, to get over the discomfort that may come with dawning realizations, to strip away the judgments, and go with it, after it, through it, with some verve.

I am lucky, because I do feel the spark of energy, I am enlivened by my emotions.  It's not blue that I feel, but the orange-turning-to-red of the fire that has been lit under my ass.

Peace and fiery love.

Autumn equinox

I took a wrong turn awhile back and have charged along a path that has led me to the edge of a cliff.  Snapping at Sag helped me see this clearly.  I described how I felt to him thusly:

"...it's like I'm at the edge of a cliff feeling nervous and uncomfortable and the slightest breeze makes me freak out..."

There is a part of me, my personality, that hates the idea of retreat...of going back...retracing steps.  I'm an Aquarian, which is all about leaping forward, airiness...there is something so earthbound about grounding.

And yet, grounding feels awfully good to me.  Probably because it is not in my nature to be grounded and so I often find myself imbalanced in the other direction.  Or I/my body attempt/s to ground my/itself in inappropriate (and ultimately unhealthy) ways...like overeating and doing stuff while sitting on my ass.

It's my mind that needs grounding, really.

And when it happens, the coming together of mind and body, it feels damn good.

I watched this Louis CK tidbit this week and, boy, did it resonate.

Then I read this piece by Melicious, the author of Well Fed, and girl, did it resonate.

And then, I read this (not-a-hot-mess-but-a-warm-one-which-she-admits) piece over at Momastery, and thought...yoga...hmm.

So, I am giving yoga a go for the first time in many years, tonight, with Donna, who is a big fan of the yoga studio she goes too.  Afterward, I will nibble on gnocchi, which I have been craving (on and off for months).  And, tomorrow, tomorrow I turn my back to the edge of this particular cliff and start retracing my steps...towards balance, towards paths I know I have felt healthier and happier treading upon.

It seems fitting to experience some transformation on the Autumn Equinox.

Peace and love and happy Fall.

More from the kitchen

I felt so crappy when I woke up that I am surprised I am feeling so much better now.  The kids are both better than they were yesterday, though they are still resting, for the most part.

I have been trying to cook down about a dozen bananas.  I spaced and bought more when we already had some.  A couple went into the banana bread, a few have gone into the freezer, and this morning I used a couple to make vegan, gluten-free banana pancakes from Blissful Bites.

It was not a triumphant return to making pancakes.  The above was the best looking one I could muster and the pat of Kerrygold is hiding a hole.  I really liked how crispy the pancake was all around the edges and on the outside.  This pancake had a decidedly rice-y feel and taste to it and leans savory unless doused with maple syrup.

Pancakes are one of the few things that have come along in my life that I have not been able to intuit.  And, for some reason, I become nearly enraged when I make pancakes and they fall apart, get stuck in the pan, have a wet, raw spot in the center, etc.  The language of pancakes remains, after all these years, utterly foreign to me.  And, apparently, this is a sore spot.

Gem did not care for these, Sag liked them well enough.  I was inspired enough by making these that I will pursue a grain-free pancake recipe.  Cap and I have long desired to get off the teat of Arrowhead Mills' gluten-free pancake mix.  The quest continues...

After breakfast, I moved on to peach jam and shakshouka.  They both required much stirring while bubbling.  I thinked a lot of thinks while standing at the stove.  For the first time in a long time I thought about the fact that I am not doing something for a community beyond my family.  Nothing that feels significant, anyway.

Here is the shakshouka in its reduced beauty.  (All the veg from our CSA: garlic, onion, bell peppers, tomatoes!)  I will have some for dinner, poaching a couple of eggs right into a pan of sauce.  Yum.

Finally, here are the Japanese-style pickled salad turnips.  These are salty and fresh.  Love the bits of green young leaves.

Peace.