Whole30 food : : 16

Noting the feeling that I am letting readers down with yet another photo of guacamole, a protein, a veg and fruit...that I have a need or expectation to impress...be remarkable.  That's something to let go of.

Temps are going to continue to be in the 90s this week, with humidity.  If I could consider living in a different climate, I would.  I shut down in this kind of weather.  I miss being outside.  Breathing in fresh air, being bedazzled by light and wind and trees and sky.

The other thing that shuts down in this weather is the kitchen.  I am done feeling bad about it (which I have been and, worse, been keeping it bottled up).  Making a shift to deal with it.  Case in point: tomorrow we're hosting common meal and I've decided I am not cooking.  We'll pick up some rotisserie chickens, a watermelon and I'll make a big salad.  Maybe I'll ask Cap to make a big pan of corn bread during the night tonight.

 Making a shift to deal with it.

I went to Vinny yesterday.  Was so glad he could squeeze me in.  We talked for a bit (by the end of which my heart was racing) and then he brought out the big guns.  I left calmer and feeling more grounded.  I saw a lot of purple while he worked on me.  He said purple symbolized change.

Although I was tired and sore, again, when I woke up, and my stomach started hurting after I ate breakfast, I can see and feel evidence of change.  Of movement.  My mental block about the weather/cooking...the gunk leaking out of my left eye since last night...  See how there is no redness on the eyeball itself?  This stuff is being pushed out from within.  The eye is connected to the liver, which is figuring significantly in my process right now.  The liver is also strongly tied to emotions.

I talked to Vinny about reintroducing honey to my system.  I do think honey will move me towards more balance.  But, I have been curious about the effects of 30 days "clean".  One of the things he talked about was the line that can present itself when something you started to do because you wanted to begins to take on aspects of chaining you down rather than setting you free.

It may be that I will not need 30 days to make the difference in my life that I want right now.  I am certainly beginning to wonder about what happens after the 30 days.  I know I don't want to live zero tolerance for grains and sugar for the rest of my life.  That would be too disconnective...from family, from friends, from how I live and celebrate life.

If I am not seeking a permanent break from grains and sugars, then questions do start to creep in about the benefits of doing 30 days if I am not feeling well.  For sure, this is an opportunity.  I am open to the mystery, open to the chance to discover more about myself, open to deeper change.  

To forgive myself for not being perfect...to remember that, truly, there is no "perfect".

To push myself to activate the courage and strength...the will, to heal myself by walking onward down the path rather than take the same loop and retreading, over and over again.

Peace.

Whole30 food : : 15

My breakfast plate.  Eggs from Anthony's farm (finally!), some more homemade guac and the one leftover bit of grass-fed rib eye steak from yesterday's lunch.

I'll be up front.  I don't feel well.  

Woke again feeling tired and with sour stomach.  (And with gas which seems to build up during the night...another "symptom"of something.)  It was another night sleeping on the pull-out in the living room while Cap watched the west coast Red Sox game (and worked...he's always working).  It was the first night with open windows since this heat wave started.  (It's looking like we're barely getting a respite, temps will be in the 90s for the rest of the week.)

Between sleep deprivation, the heat, my hormones, my stomach, my fatigue, my adjustment to Whole30 living feeling like it has hit a solid plateau...I suppose it's no wonder my mood is drooping and my stress is rising.

I did send our family doc an email about checking my hormone levels (haven't heard back, she may be on vacay).  I am going to see Vinny today for an emergency pick-me-up.  I am bearing in mind, trying to, the benefits of scaling back with intention.

I am going to stop the 365 photos.  I was starting to feel some pressure about taking and/or posting photos.  I liked how it created an opportunity to stretch and explore, but it seems like an extra which can be culled to restore some balance.

Peace.

Convergence

I've read four thought provoking and resonant pieces in the past few days.  They touch upon and intersect on themes of parenting, being, simplicity, technology, consumerism...things I think about a fair amount.

You can find them here, here, here, and here.

365 : : 14

Cap has been working on the bedroom declutter.  Yesterday he dug out his comic book collection (much of it was sold off in Massachusetts).  Gem helped him change the bags on the ones Cap was going to keep.  He was in heaven.  "It's amazing to be handling these," he said.

Whole30 food : : 14

I wondered if the day would come, and it has.  Sag now likes avocado.  Especially guacamole.  

I was eager to have him try some of my homemade.  Both avocados had been, sadly, a bit roughed up.  I scooped out what I could around the bruises.  (The final product is definitely less vibrantly green for the bruising.)  I used my beloved garlic press and crushed in two small cloves of garlic.  I added a squeeze of lime.  I sprinkled on some salt and a grind or two of pepper.  Lastly, I tossed in a dash of coconut aminos.

My stomach started to hurt while I was finishing.  I decided to eat anyway and had some roast beef, guacamole, lettuce wraps.

I am in some sort of dip.  It feels like a hormonal/chemical imbalance.  Which I know will right itself soon.  I didn't have anything "ready" to eat this morning and have been in sort of a food rut because I haven't been cooking (the kitchen is still not done and 50% of our food prep surfaces are piled high with junk to "process").  I thought a piece of toast with butter would be quick and nice.  I wasn't craving it, per se, but the mental wishing felt grounded in reality in a way that was...surprising.  Was it a hormonal/chemical effect?

The stomach thing feels familiar.  When I am not eating sugar, during certain hormonal times it seems to make my stomach sour and hurt.  I noticed I ate more fruit than usual yesterday...was I  feeding something chemical?  In TCM, there is a correlation/special relationship between sweets and the stomach system.  On the one hand, the lack of sugar input could be highlighting a deeper imbalance.  Practicing Qigong would help, but I feel so depleted I can't even get started.  On the other hand, the lack of sugar could be unnecessarily hard on my system because my body simply needs some sugar to function optimally and happily.

Today I feel like I could just stop the Whole30 experiment and start a new experiment of actively pursuing moderation.  But, the voice telling me that would be copping out is strong.  So, for now, I'm putting blinders on and knuckling down.  Tomorrow I am halfway to 30 days.

I knew starting at the beginning of my cycle, which was a coincidence, would make it easier to get going.  The second half of my cycle is the hormonal whack-a-mole.  As much of a drag as it can be, it makes sense: once the egg drops, it's instinctual, all the body wants is for that egg to be fertilized so it can create and support new life.  If that doesn't happen, the hard wiring has to disengage itself, a delicate proposition which often seems to process a bit rough.

TMI alert: do not read the next paragraph if you don't want to know about my poop.

Something I noticed when I started Whole30 was that, almost immediately, my system became constipated.  Not badly, but noticeably.  Vinny picked up on it right away and gave me herbs to help in that department.  These herbs (called...wait for it...Master Cleanse) had worked powerfully for me a couple of months ago when I took them in preparation for the change of seasons.  (So much so that I reduced my dosage quickly.)  This time?  Nothing.  For almost a week.

Ah, I think that might be coming to play right about now.  The storm before the calm.

365 : : 13

Gem loves hippos.  This was a very late Christmas gift to him from Cap and me.  The story behind the delay is, not surprisingly, uninteresting.  Except for the part where I consider whether to leave an Etsy vendor a negative comment/rating.

Caramelized coconut chips

Oh, wowowowowowow!  I flipped open my copy of Well Fed and found this recipe on the very last page. 

It caught my eye because Cap made some popcorn a few nights ago and though I didn't physically want it, I totally did in my mind.  I remembered vividly (it hasn't been that long, but in some ways it feels like forever) the buttery, salty, toothsome goodness.  I am very olfactory and the smell of the hot oil and sweet popping corn does something to me.

So when Melissa related her love of popcorn and how these caramelized coconut chips fill in nicely for the void left by that particular food?  I was intrigued.  And, thrilled, since I knew I had all the ingredients on hand.

Fifteen minutes later, I was taking my first taste.  What a marvel.  See first sentence, above.

potato chips, I miss you no more.*

* popcorn is Cap's salty crunchy snack of choice.  and popcorn fresh off the stove with melted pastured butter is really yummy.  but, what I've been missing more than anything else in this food group is 'tater chips.

Whole30 food : : 13

As this heinously hot weather continues (and I am so very grateful to have air conditioners and electricity and money) and our kitchen declutter drags on (I urged Cap to get a start on the bedroom and he is making good progress in there...though the dust is getting all up into our systems), I am not doing much cooking.  (Pretty much nothing stops the husband so the kids are eating delicious warm food.)

I woke tired and stiff and a bit sore again.  My stomach felt a bit sour.  Depleted.  Another night on the pull-out in the living room, another night of air conditioned air, another night of going to bed later than I wanted...it all intersects and means something.

No Qigong, but I did enjoy some kitchen time with the kids.  Made Sag a gluten-free cheese quesadilla (he has been loving these lately) and guided Gem through reheating leftover gluten-free tortillas from last night's dinner.  (We remain microwave-free...for now.)

After unloading the dishwasher and refilling water glasses and uncorking a new bottle of Sag's "herby ballies", I cast about for some breakfast.  I'd already enjoyed a new pickle (replenished my supply at the farmer's market yesterday) and a couple of dried figs.  It was time for protein.

Roast beef and guacamole wraps.  The roast beef is Whole Paycheck's in-house (beef, salt, pepper), the guacamole is also WP's in-house (Whole30 safe) and the lettuce is Forellenschluss from Starbrite (our CSA farm).

As I tucked into my pillowy "sandwiches", I noticed just how much I didn't miss not only bread, but the brown rice tortillas I had grown so fond of before starting the Whole30.  Those tortillas definitely kept me off the grain-free wagon once I started eating them (rationalizing they were a significantly lesser evil being gluten-free).

Nearly halfway through the Whole30, I can taste and feel and understand how my taste buds have adjusted.  And how that has shifted my chemicals/brain/neurology.  The concept of "it starts with food" makes sense here.  

Points of inquiry over the next months: 

• what pushes me off the wagon?

• will there forever be a wagon for me?

• what can drive me right back on the wagon after falling off?

: :     : :     : : 

The bedroom is undergoing some transformation.  We don't have much wiggle room because the bed is ginormous.  (We all love the cherry wood framed king-sized futon.  On the day Gem was born, my maternal grandmother died.  Of the many gifts she gave us, one was a tidy sum which covered the cost of purchasing our family bed.)

Last night I was struggling a tiny bit that I was losing "space" in the room.  I found myself jockeying for this corner or that shelf.  I was trying not to be too aghast that our "sides of the bed" were being switched.  (But, that's "my" window!)

This morning I nearly laughed out loud with the irony.  Here I am decluttering my/our stuff with such determination, and yet, there I was attempting to "hold on" to an unnameable yet fairly desperate sense of loss.

Don't get me wrong, I uphold Virginia Woolf's ideal of "A Room of One's Own".  In the situation I am in now, though, I am striving to create and strengthen my virtual, personal space, while compacting my physical one.

Peace and love.

Jamie time

Jamie took the Amtrak down from Beantown and we had a lovely time.  Thank you to Maya (Jamie's feline) and Maya's grandma (Jamie's mom of the famed Jamie's mom's cole slaw) for letting Jamie come down!

On the day that was less hot (but it still went just over 90º) we trekked into the city and enjoyed some of the offerings of Central Park.

On the hotter second day, we spent time indoors.  There was iPadding, games galore and Rita's for an after dinner sweet.

It was a special time.  We all loved having her here and look forward to another visit so we can show her Central Park in the Fall (hint, hint, smile, smile).

Whole30 food : : 12

I wish I had thought to take a photo of my lunch at Terra today.  But, I was grooving on the slow food vibe and some unexpected time alone while I waited for Donna.  And it never even occurred to me.  I tend to think of this as a good thing...except for the fact that I literally cannot share it with you now.

Instead, I was happy to order just a salad (kind of unthinkable in my pre-Whole30 days) with a protein boost of hard-boiled egg.  I savored a Persian Nectar iced tea.  I perused the fair trade wares and picked up some gifts.  I bought a sweet potato for my next sausage frittata.

I'm not going to lie, my eyes definitely lingered over the selection of prettily wrapped dark chocolates across the café.  But, I didn't feel any physical craving.  None.  It actually made me feel a little lonesome.  (Not analyzing that one!)

My friend arrived as I was tucking into my luscious green salad spiked with dill with sliced egg on top.  We fell into talking immediately.  No thoughts of photographing food whatsoever.

So, today, I have a photo I took yesterday, of a meal I had again tonight for dinner.  Except today I added a big dollop of guacamole to the mix.  This is baked chicken thigh/leg with sautéed komatsuna.  (I love the jellied bits...yum.)

Whole30 food : : 11

Whole30 on-the-go.

The photo is off center.  I was rushing out the door, we were Central Park bound!

I had the avocado, sausage frittata and blueberries for lunch.  The figs and nuts were snack (I never finish the macadamia nuts...I'm not crazy about them).  For dinner I had the greens and a piece of chicken (packed separately).  I'd also packed cherries separately and had a handful of those, too.

The rest of the gang had Whole Foods stuff for lunch and for dinner they had Five Guys (sans buns for my boys) or Thai take-out.  (We ate at my mom's.)

365 : 11

blue.

365 : : 12

Self-portrait.  Not sure how but it contains multitudes.  I was genuinely surprised at how light and energetic my expression appeared.  I did see Vinny for a booster today.  But, also, seeing this makes it clear to me my body is reaping more benefit than I can fully feel.  Today is day 12 of the Whole30 and I am almost half done.

Honestly, I feel pretty tired every afternoon.  And often upon waking, though I feel like I am sleeping better.

Cap and I began the overhaul of our bedroom this afternoon.  I unearthed this necklace Barbra made for me and have been feeling much joy with it on.

365 : : 10

 

I firmly believe that art is in the eye of the beholder.  That we bring our own gestalt to a work of art and that this can mean that what we think/how we feel about a piece can change even from moment to moment.  I don't consider my photos "works of art".  But, I do enjoy the gestalt of creating.  And do think of myself as participating in the experience of being artful by taking, tinkering with and sharing my photos. 

This one appealed to me almost right away for reasons pretty specific.  It struck me as still life-like.  My mom's Japanese tatami mat room (which she uses to teach tea ceremony), the silk rug they brought back from a trip to China, the latest uchiwa (Japanese paper fan), the Japanese electronic game device...and to stretch it, Asian-American me.

365 : : 9

I thought I'd missed a photo and this was it.  This was taken on day 7.  (I take pictures with my trusted Sony digital point and shoot, as well as, my phone camera.  This shot got lost in the shuffle of uploading.)

I took this in Vinny's waiting room.  The healing energy of the office and waiting room is...I wish I could bottle it and take it with me for when I am not there.  Waiting never felt so good.

Love and light.

Whole30 food : : 10

CSAmazing.

Cap worked the CSA clean up shift this week.  By the time he got home with the veg and fruit, the big cast iron skillet was waiting for some greens to cook up in the rendered fat from the pastured beef sliders I'd made the boys for dinner.

Here is the komatsuna, an Asian mustard green, with some luscious scallion (from the farm, as well).  Sautéed in beef fat and seasoned with salt and pepper.  Yum.  Sag ate it all with nary a word.  Gem ate a tiny bit.

We will be in the city today with Jamie, visiting godmother extraordinaire.  I will be packing food for snack, lunch and dinner.

Adieu, stix

My favorite LYS (local yarn store) is closing.  I'm sad about that.  Not so much for myself since I have not been knitting that much in the last year or so, but for the community.  Sheila ran a lovely shop, one of those places it was good to know simply existed.

I went over today, they are in the home stretch and the discounts are deep.  This is what I came home with (stayed within my arbitrary budget of $60):

The sample Diorama was the most expensive item that came home with me (but a bargain, I think, at $25).  It hadn't even occurred to me that I'd be buying a handknit piece of clothing.  I was (still am) thrilled.  It's super soft and I love the color (a bit richer in real life) and I love the seed stitch and chain link detailing (Cap thought it looked like chain mail).  I think wearing this piece might inspire and motivate me to knit something more substantial for myself in the future.  We shall see.

The one skein of yarn I bought is a Cherry Tree Hill Fingerpaints self-striping superwash merino sock yarn.  I've never bought yarn made by this Vermont company.  The colors are darker and richer than pictured.  The colorway is called Secret Garden, which, as words so often do, grabbed me by the heart and squeezed.

The books were interesting choices.  More technical than anything else, though the knit, edgings and trims has a lot of pretty inside that is not merely practical.  The books were 40% off 30% off and were really a good deal.  I was prepared to leave the Book of Finishing Techniques behind thinking I didn't have enough money for it, but with the unexpected discount, I was able to bring it home.

I do feel the stirrings of inspiration...of mojo mulling a return.

Peace and love.

356 : : 8

Gem's hand.  While he was watching The Simpsons Movie with his brother and Jamie.

356 : : 7

Got me and my sweetie tix to see Louis C.K. in October.  We haven't been to a stand up show since we saw Eddie Izzard in Boston in 2000.  Looking forward to it!

Whole30 food : : 9

happy meal.

This is a Whole30 plate.

that ketchup is non-Whole30 approved.

This is a kid drunk on the pleasures of Whole30 eating...if it means grass-fed beef sliders (seasoned with onion flakes, garlic, salt and pepper), sweet potato fries and romaine lettuce (from the farm).

Peace.

Whole30 food : : 8

it was as good as it looked.

Last week this Paleo frittata recipe came across my virtual desk.  I am not a fan of the frittata.  Which may sound strange since I love eggs so much.  But, I'm not really a fan of omelettes or French toast, either.  I am, however, a fan of sausage.  And, of simple, flavorful, nourishing food.  So I thought I'd give it a go.

At the farmer's market over the weekend, I added Italian sausage to my usual meat shopping at Anthony's stall.  The quality of his pasture-raised meat is so good.  Yesterday afternoon I put together the frittata and experienced a slice of heaven.  And I've been enjoying it ever since.

Sag was quite disappointed.  He found the sausage (probably the fennel) overwhelming and would have liked it eggier.  My sugar-free taste buds found the sweet potato a perfectly balanced sweet counterpart to the gutsy sausage (maybe a little pun intended).  Cap doesn't eat red meat.  Gem has not tried it yet.  He does not like eggs so it is a hard sell.

I had 1 1/4 lb. of sausage and used it all.  Also, my sweet potato was more large than medium.  I added an extra egg, but it could have used more egg.  It also could have used a bit more cooking time.  But, I like my eggs runny, so that wasn't a biggie for me.

I loved using the broiler and getting that lovely brown on top.  And, I love love love our cast iron skillet.  On the stove top, in the oven, easy clean up: it is wonderfully versatile.

I didn't miss dairy at all eating this frittata.  I highly recommend this recipe!

Peace and love.

Whole30 food : : 7

Day 7.  One week.  A nice marker.  Makes me feel like I can do this.*

My legs feel weird today.  Ache-y and sore, especially my hips.  But, my mental energy is definitely improved and I made a soup.  I felt like a witch at my cauldron stirring nourishing goodness in our big blue cast iron pot.

The last of the homemade chicken stock, garlic scape, ginger, leeks, napa cabbage, wakame (seaweed), salt and a bit of olive oil.  The scape, leeks and cabbage were from the farm.  Sag ate his seaweed, but the kids both disliked the broth.  Gem said it was overwhelmingly and simultaneously sweet and savory.

I had a bowl for lunch.  I've been eating watermelon today, too.

* My mom has invited my sister, sister-in-law and me to a girls' dinner out to celebrate my cousin's graduation from FIT.  The dinner will fall on day 23.  I considered declining, but have decided to go.  Our meal will be French with a modern twist.  I plan on avoiding gluten/wheat and keeping my meal simple: salad and a protein.  I'll most likely skip dessert and enjoy a good coffee.

Peace.

365 : : 6

Playing with processing in iPhoto.  I like the way this exercise of one-a-day is making me stretch a bit.

Stormy weather

Literally.

Gave Cap the car for the day and we're staying put.  Silver lining: the 60 degree breezes rushing in between storm cells is conducive to soup making.

It goes on and on

Um, wow.  Cap and I (sans kids) spent over three hours in the kitchen decluttering (not even reorganizing...we can't do that until we know what we are keeping/what we have).  And we are not finished.  o.O

I was very fatigued (experiencing the flu-like exhaustion which defined my last time going Paleo...but then it only lasted four days, this time I have only had one day of feeling utterly awful, but not feeling myself has continued for longer...it will be a week tomorrow) so Cap did most of the physical work.  Which partly explains why it is taking so long, but still...

Here are some "during" photos:

 part of the give away/donate pile.

 I see another cookbook purge in our future.

 I could not let go of the 1970s family punch bowl (cups, cup hangers, ladle in bowl).

 the big boys: picnic basket, bread machine, ice cream maker and two slow cookers.

so many containers...evidence I haven't been cooking much lately.

I'm happy to report that we did not see a single mouse poop (we've covered about 75% of the kitchen floor to ceiling, nooks and crannies).  This makes me think the mice have been coming to hang out rather than eat.  And I'm not sure how I feel about that.  On the one hand, it would be an ironic manifestation of our mi casa, su casa family vibe, but on another, I wonder if it may be harder to get rid of our unwelcome guests than if they were just here for food.

Cap (my partner extraordinaire) is due back at the courthouse in the morning (jury duty) and then has a meeting, so we won't be working on the kitchen tomorrow.  But, progress is progress and I love feeling less encumbered.  Every degree feels new and refreshing.

Peace.

Whole30 food : : 6

I walked into the kitchen hungry.  And a little sad.  "I just want a piece of toast...with butter."  It seemed so simple, just do it.  But this thing...commitment?...discipline? (qualities so unfamiliar to me) held me back.  Maybe it was my body communicating to my mind from a deep recess.  Just don't do it.

I was tired.  Which was a bummer.  The timing of my food and sleep last night was off.  There was a game of Carcassonne involved.  (We are teaching Cap how to play.)  I focused on the memory of the delicious little kiwi I enjoyed at 10pm.

My breakfast plates look comical.  A little sad, definitely simple.  I probably ate more blueberries than I needed (but they are hard to deny) and I was satisfied after one dog (with guac I did not photograph because it had an unattractive layer of oxidized brown on it).  (I discovered at dinner last night that hotdogs* dipped in guacamole is surprisingly satisfying and tasty.)

I guess it's always about one meal at a time.  Kind of like one day at a time.  Whether I like it or not (and I kind of don't), this portion of this story is shaping up to be one where addiction is showing up.  It's not like being addicted to heroin, but the denial and shame are insidious.

30 days, 30 days...my new mantra.

Peace.

*Hotdogs, even "natural" hotdogs without sugar, preservatives, nitrates, etc. are, of course, not a whole food.  They are providing me with convenient, emergency protein.  I am looking forward to building/having more energy to cook/prepare increasingly wholesome food, soon!  Meal planning is on the agenda today (I ate by the seat of my pants last week.)

Whole30 food : : 5

Day 5!  I am in much better spirits.  The break in the heat and humidity is playing a part, too.  Of that I am certain.  It's a dry 84º at the moment.  And there is a breeze.

Going off sugar, honey and maple syrup, I have found myself turning to fruit for sweetness.  As it turns out, the timing has been perfect.  We picked up our 10lbs. of local organic blueberries from our CSA this week and the local low spray fruit orchard had cherries for a second week in a row!  (She thought they'd only have enough for one week this year.)

I am noticing a difference in my satiation point.  On Wednesday, despite my gaseous distress, I scarfed down 3/4 of the container of dried apricots.  By yesterday, I knew I could survive on fruit other than apricots and was eating blueberries by the handful (and a well-timed pear).

This morning, I've had a few blueberries and a few Bings and I am content.  It's still early in the day, but, WOW.  I kind of can't believe what a difference I am feeling.

Peace and love and summer fruit.

365 : : 5

A lovely accident.  Would Monet approve?  I'd taken a shot of my favorite barrel of pickles at the farmer's market, but as I pulled into our parking spot at home my eye was caught by a luscious blue-purple in the backyard.

My purposeful shots of the hydrangea blooms were all washing out (over exposing) despite the shade and early morning light.  As I was processing the pics into iPhoto I noticed this misfire and loved it.  The color in the lower right hand corner is the truest I was able to capture (and in real life the color was deeper and richer).

This photo, like the preceding one, looks like a painting.  I like how the motion evokes the constant movement of time and nature and earth in a different and unexpected way.

365 : : 4

I was messing around with the phone camera, my butt planted in the red chair, when I took this.  I loved that it looked like a painting.  Reminds me of Hopper.  I also liked how planetary it felt.

Addendum

Dropped an asterisk in last post.

*olive oil is okay and I use that, ghee and coconut oil in addition to rendered fat from meats to sauté/cook stuff.

What's going on

• first indication of inflammation going down: gums stopped bleeding on day 3 (while flossing)

• no weighing of self allowed on the Whole30...liberating, yet annoying

• mood definitely grumpy...with tinges yesterday of self-loathing

• headache dominated on day 2 but non-issue since then

• stiff ache-y neck and head on left side day 4

• trouble falling asleep day 4, up early day 5 (most "awake" upon waking so far)

• "crashy" periods of fatigue in afternoon days 3 and 4

This is boring.  Apologies.  Maybe this info will come in handy for me someday.

Something slightly more interesting: yesterday I thought: yes, yes, moderation is key.  After four days I could feel/see some positive difference amidst the aches and fatigue and grouchiness.  My clothes were certainly fitting differently yesterday.

(I don't like being overweight, but it's never bothered me that much.  Except for the time period between ages 12 and 18 when I felt bad about my body shape/weight and I wasn't overweight at all.  Fucked up.  Yes.)

There is a part of me that gets intensely curious about the quantified "mass" that drops off when I lose weight.  And about how certain people always remark on how "great" I look when I am in the lean side of the pendulum swing.

What I do know, at this point, is that how my clothes fit and how puffy or chubby I look (and when I can weigh myself, how much I weigh) are easily notable markers on how I am doing inflammation-wise, inside.  And my goal is to reduce that systemic inflammation, as much as possible.

I am feeling, again, how remarkable this Paleo thing is.  Because it's only been a few days and I can already see a difference.  At times yesterday, I was ready to bag the Whole30 thinking if moderation was the answer then why keep on with the extremism?

(Yet another inner voice rising with alarm: you know why, because "moderation" doesn't work for you!)

But, I'm curious.  There is a supposed "reset" of the system that happens if you stick to this (no grains, no sugar, no dairy, no legumes, no white potatoes, no vegetable/seed oils*) for 30 days.  What exactly will that reset feel like?  How will it translate for me?  Will it help to excavate deeper into what holds me back from optimum being and living?

More than curiosity, I realize now, it is hope that drives me.

Finally, a mouse update.  A very nice guy from the pest control company came mid-week and put down a number of poison bait things.  His demeanor and words went a long way towards assuaging my guilty feelings that my bad housekeeping brought the rain of mice turds down on our home.  He said usually within 2-3 weeks of this treatment mouse activity ceases.

When I opened the door of the bedroom this morning to step into the vestibule on the way to the bathroom, I saw one of the peppermint cotton balls dead center in front of me rather than tucked under the heating baseboard.  In a pretty direct line, I saw into the bathroom that the three cotton balls that had been stuffed into an opening of the wall were scattered about on the bathroom mat in front of the toilet.

It had been over a week since I saw any sign of activity and my heart sank.

I feel bad, but I hope the mouse found some of the poison bait last night (though there are no bait things placed in this immediate area...doh!)  I didn't see any poops so I'm wondering if it was a drive-by with no lingering.  Maybe they were going for the bait things in the nearby kitchen.

All I know now is that I am worn thin and have more sympathy for my nerves than the mouse/mice.

Between Barbra being here and then going Whole30, I haven't been decluttering for over a week.  Cap and I are hoping to tackle the kitchen this weekend.

Oh my goodness, speaking of Cap, he has had a week of serving on a jury that has gotten increasingly taxing by the day.  Send him some cheery energy if you can.

Off to Qigong and then the farmer's market!

Peace.

ETA:

*olive oil is okay and I use that, ghee and coconut oil in addition to rendered fat from meats to sauté/cook stuff.

Whole30 food : : 4

Lunch was pastured beef sliders, half an avocado and local organic blueberries.  Yum is an understatement.  The burger was nice and brown on the other side, this side looks kind of anemic...the flavor was anything but.  The blueberries are from downstate.  This time every year we can special order them through our CSA.  I freeze most of them, but we will be enjoying some fresh this week.

One thing I hate to waste is the rendered fat from cooking up the sliders.  Because the meat is of such clean quality, the fat is a form of liquid (nutritional) gold.  (Along with breast milk and homemade pastured chicken stock.)  I will often use the fat to sauté greens.  I didn't have the energy to wash and prep greens so instead, I cracked three pastured eggs into the reheated fat and scrambled them with some Sunny Paris.  Protein on the ready for later.

Peace and yummy nom noms.

Dabbling in the arts

Saw Moonrise Kingdom with Barbra last week.  It was satisfying.  If you like Wes Anderson's aesthetic/storytelling, you will definitely like it.  It was cast very well.  I loved the soundtrack.

I finished Jenny "The Bloggess" Lawson's memoir.  I laughed out loud a lot.  Even more than while reading Tina Fey's memoir.  Jenny's mind...her being...her world, is some kind of magic.  Restoring faith in humanity living through and telling one story at a time.

Last night I watched the second episode of the second season of Sherlock.  This season feels more intense than the first and the moments of utter hilarity between Watson and Holmes (total bromance) are much needed balms.  The third and final episode of the season looks like it will be over-the-top intense...featuring a Moriarty who oozes and drips socio/psychopath.

Tell me: do I need a new hobby?  In unison now...NO!!!  Alas, the heart wants what it wants.  I have long admired the simple beauty of Japanese embroidery.  I've had opportunities to learn/do cross stitch, but it hasn't appealed to me in the same way.  One of the bloggers I read recently posted about an old embroidery book she came across and I was smitten.  I bought it.  Quite impulsively.  I imagine myself turning out lovely pieces of linen embroidered with cotton thread.  (No, don't hold your breath.  But I may surprise you someday!)

Peace.