Feels like sabotage

I've noticed that every time I start the Dragon's Way, I go whole hog in the opposite direction.  (Except for the first time...this did not happen then.)  I don't know what it means, what explains it.  I do know it makes it that much harder to really get going.  And, I believe, that excepting for the first time, I have never fully committed to the program.

I can feel resistance to my resistance this time.

I want to sabotage my self-sabotage.

Double negative is a positive.

(How bad it's gotten: as our time in Philly came to a close, I said to Cap. time to tighten the belt!  and then proceeded to get takeout for dinner three out of the past four nights.  consolation: I have been feeding the kids healthily.)

Something I'd like to learn along the way this next while...how to more effectively...no, a better word here would be authentically...or deeply...or truly...or all the above...restore myself through solitude.  I could have planned better for this week, but I didn't.  And my "alone" time (my timeout from the outside world...I barely had time away from the kids) was spent escaping rather than recharging.

Awareness, recognition, is the first step.

One of my obstacles is that despite being an introvert, I am highly interpersonal.  Backtrack.  That is not an obstacle.  That is simply who I am.  The obstacle is that I can and do use social media to connect interpersonally with friends and friendly folk (no matter the ethereal quality of these connections, they feed me in ways that seem to matter).  And my screen time tends to blot out using my time in different ways, that would be more restorative to my body, mind and spirit.

Like sleeping.  Or practicing.  Or reading.  Or hanging out with my kids or partner with my laptop closed.  Or taking a walk.

I blog (and am currently subscribed to 88 blogs in my Google Reader), I Facebook, I Twitter, I Goodreads, I Flickr.  (Jamie, see how right you are?  I am thus far resisting Pinterest.)

I do think about taking an internet break.  But, it would be a drastic change.  It feels catastrophic in proportion...which may be a reason to shake things up a bit.  Where's the good, the healthy, the balance, in living with the specter of catastrophe?  And, honestly, there's an all-or-nothing attraction to excising something that feels so essential.

I have felt this way, at other times, about tv.  And clutter.

I also have had thoughts like: this would be easier to do/not do if I didn't have the kids to think of...alternating with understanding that it is because I have kids that I want to do/not do certain things...alternating with realizing that it is since having kids that my life has changed in some deeply traumatic ways.

(I don't blame them and I am living my dream.  I have always wanted kids and feel very lucky to be a parent.  What I am talking about here is just how big a deal it can be to have children...in terms of time, energy and resources.  I happen to be someone who has had significant personal growing to do as an adult.  Having kids has been a mix of hindering and helping.  But, I suppose everything and/or anything can be perceived in such ways.  And, ultimately, it is best to observe and not dwell.  What matters is that you keep moving.)

Spring, Spring.  A time of growth and change and birth so intense it sometimes feels furious.  My personal is inevitably tied into our family and so my full plate is not purely my own.  Which is of my choosing, but still weighs me down.  I don't resent it (a sign of development...I used to much more), but I do long for solitude in a more intense way...the simplification of a unit of one, in order to reconnect again with others in the web, with peace and presence and intention.

Next up for me/the family:

• buying a car (and all that entails...process has been going on for awhile, hoping to close the deal soon)

• Dragon's Way (and all that entails: practicing every day, adjusting diet, attending class)

• singing up for Ane Axford's online program

• lunchbox art project

• continuing to think about monitor the kids' food stuff

• returning to more structured home school schedule after a vacation week "off"

• dealing with a fast filling schedule of busy weekends into June

• continuing with apartment declutter

• the basement declutter

• revamping household budget and finance running

Am I whining?  About first world problems?  These are most definitely first world problems...but I hope I am not whining.  I am teetering on feeling buried and there was some self-loathing creeping in this morning.  Getting these thoughts out and down "on paper" has helped.  As has the Earl Grey with the last of my Barcelona honey.

Peace and love.