Still shuddering a bit inside. Hot latte is helping to soothe.
I am going out to dinner tonight to celebrate Kelly's birthday with some friends. Cap has been working all weekend at two one-day conferences. I didn't want him to have to fend for dinner with the kids tonight. This meant shifting what I thought would be for lunch for the boys to dinner. Which meant I needed to forage at Whole Foods for lunch...not only for the kids, but for Daniel, who will be spending most of the day with us.
That meant taking the car out. I probably had enough time to walk, but it would be cutting it close time-wise...and also prolonging the inevitable. My first drive was not going to happen without me.
What's my problem?
• I grew up in NYC. My family didn't own a car for most of my childhood. My mother never learned to drive. I failed my driving test in Driver's Ed in high school. I didn't learn to drive till my senior year of college, and my main reason for taking the driving test then was knowing I would not be required to parallel park. I passed that test and got my CT license in 1988 shortly before graduating. I did not own a car. I moved to Japan for a year after that. The year after that I lived in California and I drove a rental car once or twice not very well. The year after that I lived in Japan again. (I have never driven in Japan.) In late 1991 I moved to Massachusetts. The guy at the Plymouth DMV looked at me like I had two heads when I presented my California driver's license to him so I could get a Massachusetts one. It wasn't a license, it was an ID card. I was so out of it as a driver that I'd forgotten that when I moved to Cali I opted to get the ID card (which at that time looked exactly like a driver's license) for official identification purposes. I don't remember why I did that, but it was probably because I didn't anticipate needing to drive. I had no idea where my CT license was so I had to retake all the necessary tests in order to receive a MA license. Luckily, I passed. In early 1992, we bought our first car. I was 26 when I truly began to drive. A late bloomer of sorts.
(Funny story: one of my siblings had come across my CT license at home in NY and figuring I didn't need it wherever I was in Japan or California, used it to make a fake ID.)
• I am a kinesthetic learner. I need to "do" in order to figure it out when I am learning how to do something. When it comes to driving, my confidence in driving is distilled down to routes. The more times I've driven a particular route, the more confident I am in driving...that route. Therefore, I may appear to be a confident driver overall, but the reality is that I am not.
• If Cap and I are in the car together, 99 out of 100 times, he will drive because I want him to.
• If I have to drive somewhere important (ie. first day at new job, first time visit with doctor, etc.), I will often do the drive the day/night before with Cap so I can "see" the route beforehand. I can't do this simply by looking at a map. I have to "do" it.
• Since moving to NJ, I have felt conflict and tension because living here has required more driving (older homeschooling kids with growing interests/circles) in more concentrated congestion of people, cars, streets, towns and than anywhere else I have lived. I pretty much do not want to drive outside my familiar routes...but feel bad about it.
• When I do step outside my comfort level and drive places less familiar, it takes a big toll on me energy-wise. I am very tense in every way before, during and after. And then I'm a puddle.
• It wasn't until after I had kids in the car with me that I began to take driving as seriously as behooved me. Having their safety be paramount pushed me to become a much better driver than I had been up till then. (I was 34 when Gem was born.) The last driving accident I caused was when I was quite pregnant with Gem. I rear ended someone on my way home from work because I was trying to eat a messy sub while driving. Even being pregnant didn't wake me up! I had to have that live little baby, out of my uterus, for driving safety to begin truly sinking in.
This is all to say that I've been increasingly nervous about driving the Prius for the last 24+ hours...and why. I couldn't do it yesterday, but today I was motivated.
So, I grabbed the manual and the kids and I got in the car. (No name yet...soon we hope!) I tried to remember how to start it and shift into reverse. I couldn't do it! I tried for a few minutes and then consulted the manual. I had already read that section, but didn't remember. I found the info I needed and we were on our way.
The streets were very quiet, thank goodness. I realized quickly that there was much to distract my attention: the digital readout of the "speedometer" threw me off and my eyes were repeatedly drawn to watching those numbers change...the breaks were so responsive!...too responsive!...acceleration took longer than felt intuitive...too long! I'd always remember, too late, to see if someone was behind me. Like I said, thankfully, the streets were quiet so I wasn't being a hazard.
The car is very quiet, as you may know or have heard. I was right to think it will take me awhile to adjust to not having the sound feedback you get driving a non-hybrid car. I have no idea when I will actually begin to read and understand the information on the dash regarding whether you are in Eco mode or power mode, how much gas you have left, how much battery charge there is, what time it is, what the temperature is outside, etc. etc. There is so much info lit up on the display screen!
We made it to the supermarket (five minutes away) and after we picked up stuff for lunch a big latte for me, we put the bags in the back of the car because I figured out how to open the hatchback door! My body remembered what to do to start the car and shift into drive (though I couldn't tell you know. My body knows more easily than my mind.
If I feel up for it, I will take another short trip later to the bookstore. Eek!
Peace and love.
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