Bosc pears...mmm. One of my favorite taste sensations. That collection of cardboard and styrofoam behind me? I cringe when I see them. A creative studio space would be nice. Some day.
(I kind of want to go see an apartment for rent a few blocks away. Completely renovated last year, hardwood floors, washer/dryer in the unit... But, it's $500 more than what we're paying right now. $6000 more in a year. Waaah.)
Loving Kathleen Edwards' voice. Beginning to listen to her catalogue thanks to the library.
Loving the library. Always.
Went out to eat last night. Torn.
There is something so nice about going out to eat with your honey. Away from the daily this and that. Without kids, communing with a swath of the outside world. I am a firm believer in the possibilities that come with plunking one's self down in new and different spaces.
But, with what I'm eating and not eating these days, each plate that is placed down in front of me in a restaurant is like a gauntlet being thrown down. I don't like being fussy. Like asking for my cheese steak without bread (which I did last night). I figured I'd eat around the croutons in the Caesar salad I split with Cap. I forgot what a crapshoot salad dressing can be (and ate it).
I've been off all day. I suspect I got some sugar and/or grains in me last night.
But, we had a really nice time and lovely conversation overflowed.
What to do? Move forward with mindfulness and care. Treat one's self to favorite fruit and great new music.
This morning, as Gem and I walked into the cold front edged with bitter, we rejoiced in the flurries.
He used to call this "fluttering". Which made my heart melt every single time.
These flutters haven't been enough to stick. But, we cling strongly to hope.
First Snow by Mary Oliver
The snow
began here
this morning and all day
continued, its white
rhetoric everywhere
calling us back to why, how, whence such beauty and what
the meaning; such
an oracular fever! flowing
past windows, an energy it seemed
would never ebb, never settle
less than lovely! and only now,
deep into night,
it has finally ended.
The silence
is immense,
and the heavens still hold
a million candles; nowhere
the familiar things:
stars, the moon,
the darkness we expect
and nightly turn from. Trees
glitter like castles
of ribbons, the broad fields
smolder with light, a passing
creekbed lies
heaped with shining hills;
and though the questions
that have assailed us all day
remain---not a single
answer has been found---
walking out now
into the silence and the light
under the trees,
and through the fields,
feels like one.
• visited with Tiina for an hour. I learn great things from conversing with friends. today I took a detour into the heart and mind of Sag with her. unearthed some crystalline realizations about both kids and how they have been affected by me. some intense food for thought.
Funny. Now that I am no longer a student or working outside of the home 40+ hours a week, hump day has a different feeling to it. Usually, it doesn't register. Wednesday means common meal. Nothing more, nothing less.
But, every now and again, Wednesday will come upon me and I feel a pang of stress. I think: oh no, it's the middle of the week and I haven't gotten anything done. I had a wisp of that feeling just now when "hump day " floated into my head as a title for this post.
My headache is gone, but its phantom remains.
Some bits and blurbs...
Gem and I had a quiet early morning and then we went to pick up Sag and Cap. A gorgeous day out there.
:: :: ::
This piece came across my virtual desk this morning. It was exactly the kind of post that would send me into a tizzy of excitement a year ago. I love the internet for this kind of sharing. But, coming up on a year of no shampoo/soap/product on my body, I read Design Mom's post quizzically. I appreciated it, but realized I had no use for it.
I've been blessed with foundationally good skin. But, honestly, my skin, all over my body, has gotten a big boost from being sugar- and grain-free (on top of being soap- shampoo- and product-free). It is soft and supple and young.
And I am free of searching for and purchasing and trying products to the nth degree.
:: :: ::
Back together again. They went to Kinokuniya yesterday and brought back some new Pokemon manga. We will ease into 'homeschooling' today...
Meerkat Manor has been a big hit. When Gem turned to me and said, "this is like Warriors, but real life!" I knew he was hooked.
Tonight we marathoned through a bunch of episodes. I think we're going to finish the season tomorrow morning before Sag and Cap return. I want to track down the three previous seasons!
P.S. Plagued by a headache for the ages. Once the pain started stopping me in my tracks while getting something for Gem to eat, I decided to take some Aleve. It took the medicine 90 minutes to fully kick in (usually it takes no more than 20 minutes) and I can still feel it bellowing beneath the surface. Yikes.
As Lumpy Space Princess would say...Oh. My. Glob. Headache, neckache, warm flashes, short fuse...what the heck is going on?!
I knew for sure I was seriously hormonal when we dropped Sag and Cap off at the train station and I felt like half my heart was ripped out of my chest. (That feeling passed.)
The short ribs are done (braised with homemade chicken stock, coconut aminos and honey). I started them at lunch time so they'd be done before leaving for Pokemon. We're not going to Pokemon after all between my headache and Gem feeling overloaded with stuff he needs and wants to do at home.
I attempted bacon fat mayo and it was a fail. (Couldn't get it to emulsify.) Made a crab salad anyway, with non-Paleo mayo. (Lump crab meat, squeeze of lime, Kosher salt, a couple of grinds of Euro pepper and a dollop of mayo.) I topped the crab salad with homemade guac and was very satisfied.
I think part of what is going on for me is that the dishes I made over the weekend both used chicken as the protein. And with running out of dairy (which was my intention), the leaner protein was not enough to satiate me.
I've been eating more at mealtimes in an attempt to "fill up" and I think I may be running into some inflammation issues from the resulting imbalance. Also, I had chicken salad last night whilst desperate for protein/fat and the mayo used to make it was not Paleo-compliant. After a week of being soy- and canola-free, it's possible that my aches and woes are a result of those foods.
The crab and avocado were very satisfying. The beef will be, too, later tonight. I am defrosting some ground beef for tomorrow. I'm not giving up on the veggies, though. Onward!
This morning, Gem turned to me and said, "we picked up Vanessa at the airport two years ago today". Sigh. Time sure does fly. Here we are at Turtleback Zoo on our first afternoon together.
The air was fresh, the light did the best it could. Being out amongst trees with the boys is always good. I was such a bike kid that it has taken awhile to reconcile myself with the fact that they are something else: scooter kids.
Ack. It's midnight again and here I am posting about underwear rather than sleeping.
The good news is that another evening of internet research yielded some positive results. Tomorrow I will be moving on to the next thing. *smile*
It is interesting how you absolutely need to have some stick-to-it-iveness when Googling something that goes a bit deeper than who a celebrity is dating or seeing what's playing at the local cinema. What comes up quickest is not necessarily the best you can do content-wise.
Tonight, I came very close to settling...with a company that was a touch too slick for my taste whose practices were not wholly embracing of the concepts of fair trade...but then found this article from Green America which was short, sweet and packed with info.
It led me right back to a company in Seattle, Decent Exposures, from whom I bought bras, leggings and the bestest two tone baby blankets and wash clothes back in the day. Dealing with them is very personal and since your items are oftentimes made to order, you do need to wait to receive your goodies. (I know, what?!)
If you are interested in "greening" your clothing, intimate or otherwise, go read the Green America article (link above).
Sleepy and satisfied, go green and fair trade! (And, guess what, I don't think this is boring.)
something by Ayelet Waldman (and maybe something by Michael Chabon),
and The Wordy Shipmates (a book Barbra gave me that I started and loved but never finished).
I am happy because I was feeling like my list was skewed slightly towards male authors. I haven't checked, but I am pretty certain it is a predominantly "white" bunch of scribes. For 2012, I'm keeping my eye on the numbers in terms of the gender divide. Maybe I'll feel the need to venture deeper into splits of class, race and beyond in 2013.
("Whiteness" in popular/media culture is on my mind. The ensemble cast of Once Upon A Time, the show I am watching with Sag, is pretty lily white. One of the main characters is played by a latina actress and the character is really evil. The other actor of color is Giancarlo Esposito who must either be loving this gig after Breaking Bad, or wondering what the hell happened despite Breaking Bad. His character has only been glimpsed briefly. There may be more to come for him, but so far, he's a minion/pawn of evil. My sense of having an itch that needs to be scratched stems from watching this alongside my 10 year old boy of mixed race...wondering what his experience is, and will be...not only with this show, but with life.)
I remain open to book recommendations, by the way. Especially if you have an Ayelet Waldman title to suggest.
:: :: ::
I have some good news to report on the 2012 documentary watching front. If you have Netflix Streaming like we do (which costs $8/month...and comes with a free trial month for new folks), then you have access to a motherlode of documentaries! My friend, Shannon, and her daughter, Bridget, e-mailed me a list of recommended documentaries and they are all on Netflix Streaming!
I am very much looking forward to the opportunity for Cap and I to spend separate time with the kids. This is something we'd like to do more often, but is surprisingly challenging to plan for and accomplish.
I am thrilled for Sag that he has the chance to experience something special: the convergence of his passions for film making and music and Buster Keaton. Not to mention we've already planned his dinner: takeout from a Five Guys we discovered very close to Baba's house.
My heart is warm, warm, warm for Cap. He has loved Buster Keaton for a long time. And he gets to share this experience with his boy.
I am making short ribs for Gem and me, a dish we both love. (We may go to the comic book store, he is making a return to Pokemon gaming with a new and focused energy.) After dinner, we'll watch a documentary together. My suggestion was checking out Meerkat Manor. He is not sold.
It is remarkable, in my experience anyway, how much space can open up when spending time with just one of my family members. You end up talking about things you wouldn't have otherwise. And seeing/hearing/feeling things along that same vein. It's a wonderful counterpoint to the more usual group dynamics we enjoy and tumble about in.
Sharing this via Facebook, from my SIL, Amy. One of those things that, to me, makes so much sense that I'm surprised I haven't thought of it this way before.
I don't know if it's because my mood is in disequilibrium like my body is.
Or if it is simply true.
But, lately, I've been feeling boring on the blog.
It's one thing to blithely post the minutiae of one's life feeling comfortable riding a wave of creative buzz...and being boring to others.
But, the moments of faltering, when the buzz fades away and you find yourself googling fair trade underwear in the quiet space just before midnight (rather than tumbling into bed like your body is prodding you to do) and think about blogging about it...awkward.
Things (tend to) look a bit better in the morning.
But, then you realize you are going to post pictures of what you ate...again.
Whatevs. Like I said yesterday, I will keep doing and moving and not think about it all too much.
Breakfast: leftover cauliflower fried "rice" scrambled with a beautiful pastured egg and a side of fresh guac (avocado mashed with garlic powder, kosher salt, European pepper, hand torn cilantro and a squeeze of lime juice). That empty space on the plate is calling out for some sort of lovely garnish...something pickled would have been perfect...
I dug out Mr. Coffee. Whilst cleaning out the fridge yesterday I came across some Irving Farm, hazelnut coffee. Since it was ground for drip and since the truth is that my lazy ass is more suited toward making a pot of coffee rather than futzing with the French press, I unlazily climbed the step ladder to bring Mr. Coffee down, scrubbed a weirdly greasy coat of dust off of him, searched for the filters I knew were somewhere and made myself a pot of hazelnut. It had been so long that I forgot to put in a little extra water. (As it was, I was lucky there were measurement instructions on the side of the bag and that I could muster the brain cells to multiply and divide as needed.)
My morning cuppa had a bit of a bite to it, but it is sweet, sweet hazelnut, yo (elixir to chick nation).
The underwear. Back when we were in Sacramento, I ordered a batch of black organic cotton undies from Maggie's Organics. They were discounted because they were slightly irregular. I have loved and worn these undies to their very last fibers. Now, seven or so years later, I have learned that Maggie's no longer carries them. My cheap labor safe organic high quality comfortable ones are no more. And I am in pretty serious need of new unders. I am vacillating between getting cheap labor questionable quality/comfort questionable ones vs. expensive labor questionable quality/comfort much less questionable ones vs. expensive labor safe/organic quality/comfort questionable ones.
Boring but true. (If I was geekier, I'd slap up a chart to make the above clearer.)
Here are two pics I took while waiting for Daniel on the porch yesterday. Our doorbell can be wonky and I wanted to make sure he was welcomed properly after such a feat as his. (He scootered to our house from his...love him.)
When I sat done to write this morning, I thought I'd take a self-portrait of this boring mind. The universe had a funny plan. I discovered the new effects in the updated version of Photobooth in Lula.
Not boring!
It has occurred to me that "winterness" is settling in. I have had many bouts of/dances with SAD in my adult life (a breather happened during our two years in sunny/warm Sacramento). Though I am in so much of a better place these days than winters past, I think my body may be nudging me to pay some attention. Mornings and waking up, in particular, have been very challenging. Regardless of how much sleep I've gotten, and the generally good quality of that sleep, it has been hard and slow going getting up and awake.
The weekend went fast despite my relatively slow pace during it.
Today I cleaned out the fridge...there were some very old grains taking up valuable real estate. Some of the last of the CSA winter share got tossed. (Some of it is still hanging in there!) Cap is going to give the year old masa harina and teff a go...both have pretty long shelf lives in cold storage.
I made Asian Cauliflower Fried Rice...and made a rookie mistake...stuffed the food processor with too much cauliflower which resulted in something more akin to cauliflower flour (teeny tiny bits). It was an interesting dish. Flavorful and light...with definite notes of 'acquired taste'.
I also made Tom Kha Gai, using the recipe from Paleo Comfort Foods, and boy this soup made my day.
The first time I had Tom Kha Gai was at Plearn, a Thai restaurant in Berkeley. Cap and I ate there a number of times during our early courtship. I'm not sure why we have never made this soup that Cap loves so...and just as mysterious was that inspiration struck from within the pages of my new Paleo cookbook.
I bought chicken breast from the meat guy at the farmer's market for the first time this weekend. I am beginning to suspect that Anthony's agricultural prowess has supernatural support. His meat and eggs are phenomenally good. The chicken was incredibly tender to the touch...I've never handled raw chicken that delectable! And in the soup, the chicken both stood up to the creaminess of the broth and stood back to allow the lemongrass and ginger to shine. Magic.
There was also folding laundry, having Daniel over, and riding some swells as my body adjusts and adjusts and adjusts again. Today I had the strangest sensation of cavernous hunger (as if my stomach fell out of my body leaving a yawning, gaping hole)...ten minutes after finishing lunch. The feeling passed after about fifteen minutes.
I have many thoughts about what I could/should/would do (about: sleep, Qigong, caffeine, dairy, homeschooling, decluttering, financial housekeeping...and all the myriad rest of it) but I am letting those float by me for the most part. Keeping it organic, doing what makes sense.
The four of us are in the living room right now: the Pittsburgh-Denver game is on, Sag is drawing, Gem is reading, Cap is prepping for table activities and I am blogging. Sag and I will watch the new episode of Once Upon A Time once the game is over...the game is now in overtime!
Wishing you a good start to your week with this delightful song that grabbed me in the kitchen tonight.
After bopping down to the farmer's market for incredible pastured eggs, chicken for tomorrow's Tom Kha Gai and some beef short ribs that were just sitting there and roped me right in...I settled into the kitchen to put together some Country Captain Chicken.
I used the recipe from Paleo Comfort Foods. I was intrigued by this dish despite my normally lukewarm attitude towards chicken. The photo was colorful with the reds of the tomatoes and greens of the broccoli. I am a fan of "curry" and currants/raisins in stews...so it had some things going for it.
It was very easy to put together. I did have to adjust the amounts of the dredging mixture and the ghee (I needed double in both cases). It was so simple that I began having doubts about how it would taste, in the end. I kept on though, I am a big fan of braised meats and this recipe had that going for it, too.
It smelled wonderful as it cooked in the oven and after 40 minutes, the instant read thermometer went right to 165º and then crept up to 170º so I deemed it done.
I subbed in Chinese red dates for the currants because that's what I had on hand.
I haven't tasted it yet because I gulped down my leftover goat korma, groaning with pleasure it was so good, while the chicken cooled on the stove top. Cap and I went to Brick Lane for dinner last night for a long overdue date night (we're returning to our various routines here). I have to admit, all cringing over the expense goes out the window once you are tucking into the food there.
Our date time was lovely. Catching up on stuff, both individual and cooperative, laughing, holding hands, so much of it mundane, yet the kind of time that becomes sacred when you are a couple with kids.
Prior to our date, I dropped the kids off at Tiina's and went to Vinny's for the second time in three days. What a treat...incredibly therapeutic. I loved sitting in the waiting room with Louise (my first Dragon's Way teacher) and another longtime student of Master Lu's. I kind of hung on their every word absorbing their years of experience. My time with Vinny was excellent, as usual. He marveled at how "in between" my body felt. Indeed, I had been feeling more and more stuck and in limbo. We talked and he tweaked my herbs. He encouraged me, also as usual, to practice. By the time I was sitting in the car in the parking lot calling Cap to let him know I was on my way home, I had decided to let go of the honey-free and maple syrup-free.
And, instantly, I felt so much better.
For me, for now, going deeper into being sugar-free by eliminating honey and maple syrup is a no go.
Cap and I watched some episodes of Portlandia (Season 1) last night. It's streaming on Netflix for you other Netflixers out there. Funny stuff.
Despite temps hovering at 60º today, deep down inside, Winter resonates. My sleep continues to crash down on me when my head hits the pillow and waking in the morning is so slow despite the sun filtering in through the shades.
Off to read Forever. Have you heard that bookstores now have sections called "Teen Paranormal Romance"? Yep.
Restless. Pent up. Keep moving. Blinders. Oh, my brain, my chemicals, my nervous system. Jumpy, jumble, jelly.
Is this a result of cutting out honey and maple syrup? Is it my body adjusting? Is this my body's way of saying keep the honey and maple syrup? Or is this the last bit of residual grain from the end of 2011 processing through?
What the hey.
Maybe he's caught in the legend, Maybe he's caught in the mood, Maybe these maps and legends, Have been misunderstood. R.E.M.
Food shopping is done, lunch with Donna was a lifesaver, heading to Vinny's soon and then date night with Cap.
P.S. Read Linger the second half of yesterday (it's a very good sequel to Shiver, I liked it better), watched Project Runway All-Stars, felt quiet and low...woke up this morning feeling hit by a truck.
Curling up into a small ball today. Dropping the honey and maple syrup, going deeper into sugar-free is proving to have its ups and downs.
When I went off white sugar and grains in August, it felt like being hit with a ton of bricks. I was nearly immobile with aches and dullness and irritability for four straight days. And then I was fine.
This time, going deeper, I am generally fine, but experiencing pockets of things that make me go hmm, here and there.
• Yesterday afternoon, Vinny noted that my neck and upper back were super tight (I hadn't realized). It also turns out that sugar acts in concert with the stomach system to promote healthy digestive flow. Things have definitely shifted in the poop department since going sugar- and grain-free. Cutting out the honey and maple syrup has led to a wobbly balance being tipped to the negative.
• Last night I slept like a log...I woke fine. Not bad, but not good.
• This morning I headed out to run errands with a shopping list in my hand for my new recipes. While I sat in the car warming it up, I realized I couldn't go food shopping...there simply wasn't enough funds in the account in case our landlord decided to cash our rent check today. This wasn't a big deal and I was grateful for the clarity. Cap gets paid tomorrow.
• But, something about it still made me sad. I ended up going to Ikea with Danielle and Leo, happy for their company. It was actually liberating being in a store like that (lots of visual candy) knowing I couldn't spend any money. And I got a free coffee, which I truly appreciated.
I think I'm going to uncurl just enough to pull in a book read this afternoon. I want to protect myself during this time of change. I know this will pass. I surrender.
My new book, ordered through our local indie bookstore and not Amazon (my boycott continues), arrived today! Just in time to help me move forward into a more full and balanced repertoire of Paleo meals. (Grain-free, sugar-free, dairy-free, legume-free, corn-free, potato-free.)
The one dish I already know I am making is creamed spinach. I am intrigued by a recipe called Country Captain Chicken. The remoulade sauce recipe had my mouth watering. And the coconut flour tortillas looked amazing. Comfort foods...they're not kidding.
